On reader writes:
I was wondering what your take is on how to deal with loved ones who have left the Church and have an ax to grind. In the last 3-4 years I have really embraced my faith and become a full-fledged Catholic. (I had been a “cradle Catholic” all my life and wasn’t completely dedicated to the church or even sure what I wanted). I now take major offense to anti-Catholic comments and I also don’t want my children to hear this — especially my impressionable five-year-old.
And another reader writes:
What do you do when your extended family isn’t Catholic, or even Christian … when the family has been shattered from several divorces … when the family’s practices and beliefs don’t correspond to your own? At what point do you need to maintain some distance from your family of origin for the sake of your own marriage and children?
These kinds of questions are quite common among Catholic families. So common, in fact, that I addressed some of them in Mom to Mom:
If you suffer from antagonistic family members, I think you can and should set up some ground rules for your relatives to follow … Let family members know that comments that attack or disrespect the faith and values you are imparting to your children will not be tolerated in your home. While you can’t make rules about the kinds of things might be said or done in other people’s homes, you can make the decision to avoid visiting there … You are only asking for decency and respect. You are only defending your right to raise your children as you see fit. Should your family members choose to dishonor your reasonable requests, that would be their own unfortunate decision.
I did also, however, go on to emphasize the importance of charity in these sticky family situations. It’s important to make a distinction between family members who are hostile toward your faith and those who just happen not to share it. Of course you don’t have to (in fact, you shouldn’t) allow a co-habitating couple to share a bed in your home, but if non-hostile family members live their own lives in ways that are contrary to our values, we should recognize an opportunity to teach our children about the precious gift of faith (not everyone has it) and take advantage of the opportunity to grow in charity (pray for those who don’t share our gift of faith). After all, you never know which extended family members might be watching your example and quietly learning from it.
How do you handle these kinds of situations in your home and family?
I am a convert married into an Irish Catholic family, all of whom have been very conservative and strong in their faith – until last year. One of my husband’s sisters took her family to a Byzantine Rite church in a nearby community. She is the godmother to my youngest who is seven. Recently she offered to help her with instruction prior to first reconcillation and communion. My first thought was no and to try to find a “nice” way to refuse her offer. She has told my girls that one of the reasons she left our church was that her’s was prettier.
I have not felt the need to ask her not to bring faith up to my girls, but I am almost there. My husband would do so easily, but would not be nice about it at all as he is very opposed and critical of her choice. I try to tell my girls that it was her choice and all we can do is hope and pray that some day the will come back. I just don’t want her to confuse my daughters, I’m confused enough for all of us.
We had a situation where my cohabiting bil and his girlfriend wanted to stay with us and we said that they could; we had enough room in our house for them to each have a one. As a Catholic home we could not have them share a room.
Well, that didn’t go down well, and said bil has not visited since because he “is not going where he is not welcome”. We have never expected them and other relatives to share our faith and how we live, but we have expected respect for our home and the rules we have established here. But we did not receive this respect. In our mind this is outright hostility towards us.
Another situation came up where it was briefly suggested to rent a beach house and have bil plus cohabiting girlfriend, sil plus cohabiting boyfriend, other married relatives, parents-in-law, us and our children, etc…… all come. Fortunately, this suggestion has so far been vague enough that we have not responded to it.
Some situations demand immediate action and response, and some don’t. I think, it certainly needs to be decided beforehand which actions are wrong and immoral, but there is no cookie-cutter approach as to how to convey these.
Last summer, my sil and I went for a walk with our youngest. And traditionally she and I clash badly. But this walk was surprisingly pleasant, and we actually reached some depth of conversation. The connection was “babies”. She is a few years shy of turning 40, not married but lives with her boyfriend and desires children. This is such a positive turn of events from her homosexual lifestyle years ago, that it was reason for joyful surprise. And since she knows exactly where I stand (after all we are having 6 children and are obviously married, Catholic, not contracepting, etc…..), it was doubly surprising that she would open up to me to a degree and talk about babies, fertility, birth, even touched on the beautiful sacrament of marriage without proselytizing. That was a situation where I decided to try to not be permissive, but at the same time try to meet her where she was, and I hope that some seed was planted.
in general, however, I find it striking that those secular-minded people are demanding respect and tolerance for their lifestyle loudest and most forcefully, but are seldom willing to grant the same to us Catholics.
Blessings.
My great-grandmother who was the second wife of my great-grandfather (whose first wife died after having nine children with him) asked her adult stepson to leave the family home when he stopped practicing the Catholic faith. She, then a widow, was raising nine young children in the Catholic faith. The part of story that amazed me was that the older brother completely understood.
If only I had inherited whatever she had that received this type of response. But perhaps it was the times as well.
Like many, I find myself surrounded by an extended family whom I love who do not practice and some who openly mock the Faith that I love. I protect my children from those who mock and we talk openly about those who do not practice. Most importantly, we pray for them.
Only the Lord’s perfect Love and His perfect time will bring those around us into a deeper relationship with Him. I can only pray that the Lord might use me in His plan, and that by my own sinful nature, I am not an obstacle to a non-believer.
Thank you for addressing this. We all have so much in common regarding this situation. We must love our family and pray for them. I feel like I am the only one left in my family that loves her faith. That is why I love my blog family.
I lost my best friend when she left the Catholic Faith and her husband was the Godfather to my son. After a year of prayer I told her that my dad was going to take the place of her husband. We have to do what is right. Some people really dont care who the Godparents are but I do.
We have several within our extended family who have left the Church or are non-practicing within it. We have definitely, as Danielle stated, used it as an opportunity to share the faith and Her wisdom with our children. On the occasions when non-Catholic family members make ignorant statements about Church teaching in our presence, we take that opportunity to gently offer the correct teaching and do a little evangelization in the process. We also take great pains to act and react to these family members with great charity and love. Chastising their choice and acting sanctimoniously about ours does little but drive them further away from the great love God has for them in the fullness of His Church. We have been careful to discern how our children (especially the younger ones) spend time with these relatives. It is our first priority to protect and preserve the souls of our children.
But…let me offer some hope, too. When my husband and I met, nearly 20 years ago, his parents (who were cradle Catholics) had just left the Church over some hurt feelings and were about as anti-Catholic as could be. Without engaging their anti-Catholic rhetoric, we continued to love them, respect them and model our faith for them as best as possible. Most importantly, even when all hope seemed lost, we prayed for them–specifically that while we most wanted them back in the Church, we moreso wanted them to let go of the hardness in their hearts for the Catholic faith. We enlisted the prayers of other faithful Catholics and never gave up–and there were times when we felt that it was a losing battle–until we remembered that, ultimately, God would be the one to soften their hearts. Our role, as we are told repeatedly in Scripture, was to “fight the good fight” and to “persevere”, He would do the rest.
And He does. My in-laws four youngest children started attending Catholic school two years ago, and they are beginning to attend Mass again. Twenty years ago, we would have never thought it possible, but with God all things are!
God Bless and Keep the Faith!
I struggle with this, because I always want to give the “snappy” comeback.
I try, instead, to follow my mil’s lead. An example: when she mentioned that the So-and-so family was expecting again, another family member said, “anOTHER one?” (you’ve heard that before, I’m sure) My mil just mildly looked at her as she said this, and then our conversation continued.
My response is to Melissa: I just want to be clear about what you are saying. You think that she did something wrong about joining a Byzantine Rite church? Is that is? Because if it is, you should learn that in the Catholic church, there are 22(?) different rites, Roman being the largest but only one. The Byzantine Rite is every bit as Catholic as the Roman one. Traditions may be different, but so what? The traditions between the NO mass and the Tridentine mass as different; they’re both Catholic. The Divine Liturgy is something that *every* Roman Catholic should experience, at least once. It is a legitimate part of Catholicism and is the oldest liturgy that we have; get in touch with your roots! Besides, it’s utterly magnificent. So, unless your s-in-law joined some wierd, not-really-Byzantine church (there are a rare few that have broken off…) she’s still completely and totally Catholic. Go; bring your kids to her Liturgy.
Well, let’s see….my parents were divcorced (I say “were” because my mother recently died). She stopped attending Mass years ago, but made peace with God and came back to the Church in the months leading up to her death.
My father rarely attends church and when he does it’s an Episcopalian one, because “they don’t focus on the sin and guilt”. Did I mention he’s a 33rd degree Mason?
My brother left the Church a LONG time ago – he and his girlfriend having been living together for over 10 years.
My sister, despite sending her kids to Catholic school, etc., is more of a school-year Mass attender. Her husband of 13 years is in and out of the house because he doesn’t know what he wants. (!)
I had left the Church in college and after a LONG struggle came back after the birth of my son (he was born on St. Anthony’s feast day).
I believe part of that reason was because my in-laws, God Bless them, pray constantly for their own children and children-in-law who have left the Church, that we come home. They don’t tell us this, I discovered it while we were livng with them when our son was an infant.
So I treat everyone with love and kindness, ask them that they be respectful of our faith, and to be quiet if they can’t. And I pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.
I thank God I have my mother as an example for this. One of my teens is headed down a dangerous road. She claims to want to remain Catholic, that she loves Eucharist and Confession. But she won’t confess her sin! I can see God’s hand leading her but I see how many times she does not take His hand.
I had to tell this baby I love so much how much her desisions could affect her younger siblings. Thankfully she truly loves them and so far they are not affected.
She turns 18 in 2 weeks. Hopefully it will not open the floodgates of rebellion.
In Cursillo we learn to Evangelize within the environment we have been put by God. I can’t evangelize my daughter without contact. Its going to be a delicate balancing act.
In the meantime lets pray for each other.
You know, a priest once told me that you can do nothing to change the behavior of others…only your own. Sounds simple but it was actually quite liberating.
I can only control how I react to behaviors or statements from my beloved fallen-away friends and family. I can’t “force them home.”
Just love them but be clear what you believe. And always remember, that when a loved one is especially combative, that it’s about them, not you. They are in an interior struggle. You are just the embodiment of that struggle.
The sibling I am closest to has been away from the church for 20 years. He knows not to belittle my faith and I know not to belittle his lack of it. We are very close and it has been sad to pass him over as godfather for my three kids. But he knows that this faith is not a hobby for me. I also know that he believes he is right. I pray for his return to the Church but don’t expect it.
I too have married into a family that are cradle catholics that try to be the good catholic family when out in the community, but behind closed doors it’s not at all uncommon for catholic bashing and/or racist comments. My father-in-law was furious during the last papal election when the news said one of those they believed may have been in the running was black. And I got cornered by my mil and sil when my husband and I were preparing for our marriage receiving, quite a talking to about how ridiculous it was for us to practice NFP and encouraging us at least consider condoms which would be acceptable if the church would just “get with the times”. My question to all of you, is that one of our biggest obstacles is how we are seen by our extended family. We go out of our way to make sure we support our faith without condemning those around us. We believe living our faith openly is the best way for us to achieve this with my husbands family as opposed to straight forward confrontation. For example if they are on vacation or at the lake they often skip church. We don’t confront them about this, but we get our children up and we go in the morning as a family with or without them. Even with this passive approach it is as if they believe that we think we are better then them. And I fear that this will only get worse since my oldest is now 2 1/2 years old and will soon be even more aware of their catholic bashing comments and actions than he is now. I know I’m rambling but I get so confused by this. Do others of you get approached with such defensiveness? Even when going out of your way to make sure you are being loving and not overly judgmental?
When people are looking for “feelings” they will never “know”. That is why God gave us a perfect instrument/weapon: prayer.
Keep praying. Don’t give up.
As some one who has left the church while my family of origin remain deeply devout Catholics, this has been a topic often on my mind. Things were thornier in the beginning…I was even younger, and I had my back up about several issues. Now things are much better.
It’s true: charity is key. If I was hostile to my parents, there could be no relationship. If they were openly hostile about my faith, there could be no relationship. I know they long for me to come back to the Catholic church, and it hurts that I can’t change my conscience to make them happy. But the love and respect between us really helps. I try not to let the conversation slide into topics where my opinion or convictions would be offensive to them, especially when my younger siblings are around. In return, I think my parents are trying in their own way.
I love them all very much, and I find much of God in that familial love, whether we hold the same creed or not.
My family is culturally Catholic, and while not practicing, they “know better” and respect our beliefs. One of my two brothers is a devout Catholic, so I have an ally in him. My husband is a convert. My husband’s extended family is about as secular as they come (no one goes to church on Easter or Christmas even), although my MIL thinks it’s good to baptize a baby, but can’t articulate why. For the most part, we avoid arguing and even discussing our beliefs with non-believing/respectful family members.
Occasionally though, we must say or do something related to our Catholic faith that angers our extended families. For example, my BIL had been separated (walked out really) from his wife for about 6 months when he decided to bring home his girlfriend to the Midwest from . After speaking with 3 priests we decided that we could not attend this party, especially with our kids. My DH spoke privately with his brother about it and he said he understood, but there was hell to pay. The “funniest” part (in a dark kinda way) was the argument my DH had with his mom. My MIL was furious that we wouldn’t attend the family party and we were “ruining everything” and the argument ended with my husband yelling “I am the good son. I am the son who didn’t walk out on his wife and leave his children.” That quieted my MIL 😉
Another time I regrettably found myself in a conversation with my Step-FIL re birth control and abortion. I say regrettably, because I was younger then and didn’t see how he didn’t really want to hear my thoughts, he just wanted to slam me. Toward the end of the “conversation” my Step-FIL tried to correct my understanding of the Churches positions. He yelled “I have been Catholic for 55 years!” and I said “Yes, you have been. But, I’ve been practicing for 30.” That quieted him. 😉
I pray for the conversion of myself and all members of our family every single day. Over the years I’ve learned to talk little (if at all) and pray pray pray. THere are times that we need to take a stand, but they are few. Look for ways to serve and love. Build bridges.
My dad was raised Protestant, and is now what I can only call “gray area.” He has been to Mass with my mom for the whole of their 37 year marriage, and he raised my brother and me in the Catholic faith. However, he never converted. So, he’s “gray area” in my mind.
He was very satisfied with his one boy and one girl. I found out when I was an adult that my mother wanted more children, but my dad did not. That news, once I heard it for sure, was not a surprise. It was clear he felt that was the way families should be.
Well…now I have one girl and one boy, and I can tell my dad “knows” we’re done. Except we don’t know that! Truly, we haven’t discerned what God’s plan is for our family size, but we do feel like we want more children. Only God knows for sure what will happen.
I am pretty sure that once we announce another pregnancy, my dad will not be happy, and I am pretty sure that he’ll make his feelings known. I think part of the reason he feels this way about us is because we don’t have much money, and he knows it.
Pondering this once, I learned a lesson. I think that announcement in the future would have been much easier if my dad didn’t already know money is tight. From the moment I realized that, I decided to keep my mouth shut about my business from then on.
I decided that I’ve gotten myself into some of these awkward situations through my own fault. It goes like this: I tell somebody about my business, then they comment on it, and I get upset about the things they say. Well, I can’t get angry at that; it’s my own fault for revealing information, which I never should have in the first place!
Thanks, Danielle, for posting this. Your comments, and those of your readers, are helpful. Love and prayer are clearly important in these situations.
In our case, we have some distance (geographic and otherwise) between us and most of our relatives. Overall, this may be for the best; but it does create some difficulties. For one, there’s the pressure to travel more than we’re able to — and the guilt trips when we don’t visit as often as people would like. But even if we lived closer, we would still have the problem of trying to keep four separate families happy (both our sets of parents are divorced). So we’re just trying to focus on having a healthy marriage and family of our own. That has to be the top priority.
We generally get along with our relatives and don’t have any who are openly hostile towards our beliefs. But our differences do create some tension. And if time with relatives becomes more bad than good, I have to wonder how much time/effort/money we ought to put into it.
Here’s a related question I have for folks: what do you do if you have an out-of-town relative who thinks it would be a fine idea for you to ship your kid(s) over to him/her for a week, but you’re not sure you’re comfortable with it (for whatever reasons)?
Anyway… You know what may be the hardest thing? Not just any negative comments we may have to deal with, but the lack of any positive comments or encouragement from the people who supposedly care about us the most.
It’s hard, but I believe and hope that God can use this, as all things, for good.
In 2003, Faith & Family asked this as a question in our “Say What” column.
What do you say to the relative who says nasty things about the Church at family gatherings?
Answers included:
“That’s funny, the Church has nothing but wonderful things to say about you.”
“Everyone’s a critic until they need last rites.”
“You say that about every religion.”
“Oh, stop. I wouldn’t attack your faith if you had one.”
“Last year it was the Yankees, this year it’s the Church …”
“You can insult the Church, but you can’t make God love you less.”
“That’ll be 10 Hail Marys if you want dessert.”
“Everyone submits to a religious authority. I consult one other than myself.” .
Someday, you or someone you love may need a kidney, matching blood, bone marrow. Someday, a pandemic may sweep the globe and people will be very hard up for money and supplies. Someday, you or one of your children may make a million dollar mistake. You’ll need these broken people. They’re lining up at your door to love up your children. They know where you stand, don’t worry. When the time comes, they’ll turn to you for counsel. Meantime, if you’re going to “get into it,” make sure it’s over something big. Don’t lose them because they won’t stop asking “how many more you’re going to have.” Don’t lose them because they gave your daughter a “Bratz” doll, just toss the darn thing. Don’t spend your precious free time formulating “zingers.” When your faith demands that you do or say something, do it privately, with mercy and kindness and brevity.
I think when we are faced with difficult situations and difficult family members, it’s helpful to read St. Paul’s letters, especially to the Romans. We are called as Christians to love and serve one another, and to be kind and charitable in all that we do and say.
My brother is a priest and was having a conversation with my aunt about a fellow priest who is a frequent guest on EWTN and a personal friend of my brother. My aunt didn’t like the priest nor his positions on a few Catholic issues and made her point in no uncertain terms. My brother listened and when she was finished ranting, simply said “Well, he is my friend”. And that was it.
Sometimes it’s better not to engage in an argument with people for the sake of having an argument. And in all things, in the end, it’s about how we live our lives that matter the most. We are called to be an example of Christ’s love to others.
Ryan, We also have relative’s who urge us to let our oldest spend a week with them. We say that we have a no sleep over policy because our daughter isn’t comfortable sleeping over and people’s houses (true) and especially since it’s out of state we couldn’t just run over and get her. My BIL backed off, but my MIL was still urging it. So, we also had to point blank tell my MIL that our daughter would NEVER be allowed to spend a week without us in CA at my BIL and that we would appreciate her not bringing it up in front of the kids. We told her that we obviously have different parenting styles (my bil kids watch R movies, dress extremely in-modestly, and date at age 12 etc) and that we would never ever ever allow our children to sleep over at their cousins. Period. It annoyed my MIL, but the invitations stopped.
(In my MIL defense: her hearts desire is to have her sons be close and the cousins to know & love each other. For many reasons this will be unlikely. So, when we told her NO to the sleep overs we affirmed her desire that her family be together and suggested that the wayward cousins spend time in the Midwest with her and our kids could get to know them that way.)
To the poster that commented on the Byzantine Rite. The Byzantine Rite is obedient to our Magesterium, they are in full communion with the Catholic Church and have the same beliefs we do-they are just a different Rite that celebrates their liturgies differently (very reverently and beautifully I might add). I am confused as to what the difficulty would be when they believe as we do about the Eucharist and are in communion with the church? Just curious if there is something that I am not aware of regarding that Rite?
So glad this post was brought up! I am learning a lot about how to handle this same topic within my own family. It is such a delicate balance.
This was especially difficult in our early married life. We made very different parenting decisions than our extended family because of our faith. It was very difficult, particularly with my mil. My husband would stand up for ‘us’ and that worked most of the time, but they were such hurtful comments and attitudes, I really had to pray!!! When I realized, years later, that these attacks were really against our sacramental marriage and the Church, it was much easier to bear. I didn’t have to take these things so personally. It was always with fear and emotion we’d prepare to tell the relatives about a new baby. Our first two were a boy and girl, so every child after that was ‘uneccesary’… Only with our last two has it been easy. #s 10 and 11!!!! I guess they gave up!! They have all come much closer to us over the last 27 years, especially as the ‘grandkids’ have grown-up, matured and are WONDERFUL PEOPLE, still loving and caring about these same relatives who were not so welcoming. Some of them have come back to the Church, but not most. We pray for and love them all.
I know she may not read comments on here, but to the poster, Melissa I believe, who was concerned about her relative who started going to a Byzantine rite mass… I wanted know if there were other issues involved. Attending a Byzantine church in itself, is not a problem at all, since it is still in full cummunion with the Catholic Church. It is only a different Rite or way of celebrating the mass. Byzantine masses are actually very reverent and beautiful! I would love for my childen to experience one someday, but there are none close enough!
Melissa, you should not be worried one bit about your sister-in-law attending a Byzantine Rite Church. Although the Latin Rite is the largest, here are more than 20 rites in the Catholic Church. Each one in complete and total full communion. When the Church split in 1054 (the Great Schism) not all eastern rites left and through out time, more and more Orthodox parishes are returning to full communion with Rome. JP2 talked about the two lungs of the Church- the East and the West.
The Byantine Rite is is different from the Byzantine Orthodox. While still having apostlolic succession, the Real Presence, Marian devotion and the Sacraments, the Orthdox do not recognize the Pope as we see him nor do they share a few beliefs such as the Immaculate Conception (it is a teaching but not a dogma). The Good news, Melissa, you should not be worried one bit about your sister-in-law attending a Byzantine Rite Church! Although the Latin Rite is the largest, here are more than 20 rites in the Catholic Church. Each one in complete and total full communion. When the Church split in 1054 (the Great Schism) not all eastern rites left and through out time, more and more Orthodox parishes are returning to full communion with Rome. JP2 talked about the two lungs of the Church- the East and the West.
The Byzantine Rite is different from the Byzantine Orthodox. While still having apostolic succession, the Real Presence, Marian devotion and the Sacraments, the Orthodox do not recognize the Pope as we see him nor do they share a few beliefs such as the Immaculate Conception (it is a teaching but not a dogma).
This actually is a wonderful opportunity for your children to get to know the depth and history of the Church through out the world. Divine Liturgy is the oldest form of the mass, you should give it a try and you should be able to participate in communion.
For more information on rites try copying and pasting these websites:
http://www.ewtn.com/expert/answers/catholic_rites_and_churches.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Catholic_Churches
Amen Andrea! Well said.
My sister and I were raised in the Catholic church but now she is married to a Baptist man. They attend his church on Sunday mornings, much to my sadness that my sister is skipping out on her Sunday obligation. Her ambivalence about her Catholic faith is the reason she has not been asked to be a godmother to any of my children. Well, that and the fact that my husband (the convert) wants a married Catholic couple to be godparents for each of our children and her husband isn’t Catholic. What really bothers me the most about my sister is that she is a Catholic school teacher! In her mind she’s alright with regard to attending Mass because she goes once a week with the kids. We’ve gotten to the point where we don’t talk about it anymore. She has opened up to my husband, though, so I just pray that she will find her way back through talking to him about her issues with the Church.
Oh, and out of the blue one day my oldest (age 6) decided to pray that Uncle John decides to become Catholic. So maybe the “little children” will lead them Home.
I really have enjoyed reading everyone’s posts. Thank you! I will add my own quick thoughts, too, although I’m sure they’re nothing new.
First, I think a lot of people are right on the money about prayer. Often , I pray for my family and close friends who are away from the church. Also, I do try to model what it looks like to be young, in love, and Catholic. It isn’t easy and I know I make mistakes, which is why I don’t preach to my friends about how they ought to live. With that said, I do talk about praying. I do remember to say that I’m blessed, not lucky. I do push myself to get past the discomfort of showing that I am a young person who is faithful at a time when, culturally, we’re urged to make religion a private and separate piece of our lives. I refuse to separate them!
The other advice I’d like to give is this: find people who aren’t away from the Church and embrace those relationships, too. I just moved to a new city and I’m finding that making friends who are Catholic is trickier than I thought it would be. My finacee and I joined a Cathechism class at our church and now I see familiar faces at Mass. Sometimes being able to let myself relax and trust that, yes, this person will support my Catholic values, is the best way for me to be able to go back out among people who aren’t supporting my values.
Thank you Andrea for your eloquent way of letting us all know that sometimes it is just best to let things go. My In laws left the Catholic church when my husband and his brothers were small. Needless to say my MIL was not thrilled when my husband announced that he was going back when he and I married and started a family.Of course there have been comments made that I have not appreciated or the time when my MIL sent a dedication card for one of my children’s Baptism( she included a note explaining that Catholic’s were wrong for calling it a baptism . She even included Bible quotes to back up her view) We simply tossed the card and moved on. We have handled her anti Catholic comments around our kids by simply explaining that she is entitled to her views even though we don’t share them. Our kids are seventeen, fourteen , and eleven now and this approach has worked wonderfully for years. This approach has also worked with aunts and uncles who have lived together and had children out of wedlock. We are careful not to condemn them while stressing that this is not acceptable for who we are as Catholic’s. Because we started using this approach when the kids were young there is no big shock now that they are older and see such things as teen sex , pregnancy, and other issues.
It took me a long time time to realize I needed to spend more time on myself and what I needed to do to grow closer to God than the time I spent lamenting on my family and how unholy they were. I still am not there.
It is hard for me to love them like Jesus does.
I am not bothered by comments. I understand where they come from and I don’t think we should take it personally or feel we have to snap back about them. Although, I would sent ground rules in my own home. Be patient and wait for the right moment to see what is underneath the comments. I also recognize that the Church does have problems and some of the comments are valid.
It would be hard for us if all the cousins lived close by as we do have different family rules. My SIL lives with her fiance. Our kids are too young to understand but we feel strongly that there is no calling him “uncle” until they are married. And it does break our hearts to see her live like this. We do work hard to love them. They already know how we feel about it, we don’t even need to say anything.
I just want to say that Andrea’s comments above really moved me, and they really exemplify a charity that I am lacking. I needed to read those words. Thank you and God bless you!
I guess I would just add to the recent comments my opinion that, as with most issues, there needs to be a balance. Yes, sometimes it is best to let things go. But what I’ve observed in my extended family (even setting aside religious differences) is a permissiveness and a get-along, go-along mentality that is out-of-balance. When hurtful behaviors go unaddressed for decades, when poor choices are repeatedly explained away… these things aren’t right or healthy for the individual, the family, or others who may be affected.
So, as per usual, I think Danielle’s got it right. We shouldn’t be judgmental. We should be loving. But sometimes love means setting some ground rules, and/or dealing with issues that need to be resolved.
Charity is the key: a good priest told me long ago during Lent to make sure they know what you think, but love them totally. This is the way I re-gained the friendship of my pro-choice sister who always complained whenever I was pregnant again. I love her, we are good friends now I am able to help her in many things– she lives alone– and she is so kind to my children, and generous towards them. For one thing, this good priest said, if we cut off ties we wouldn’t be able to help them whenever they’d need us for anything. And isn’t life supposed to be about serving Christ in our neighbor? This is perhaps the best advice ever given to me, and I always remember it in lent as I rejoice in the friendship with my sister.
Charity, good example and prayer are the best conversion tools. Three of my four brothers have returned to the Faith after many years “in the world.” With our parents’ good example our extended Catholic family has never bent in its beliefs, and we’ve never shied away from talking about it, but never in hostility. Our brother who has a “live in” knows where we all stand on this; he grew up knowing. Since he’s the one who changed, he knows he hasn’t got much of a leg to stand on asking us to “change the rules” for him. The Fallen-aways have always been a part of the circle of love, but I think the ones who came back eventually knew they were missing what was at the core of it ~ and wanted back in, all the way.
I don’t mind being in he lion’s den myself; it gives me the opportunity to witness and give hope. My children, on the other hand, I will not subject to shots at the Faith. If a person’s house is a poor environment, I don’t take the kids there. If someone “misbehaves” at my house, they are gently reprimanded/corrected. If the behavior continues, they are not invited back.
I know, its not always so simple. My biggest difficulty is going to my parents’ house and “chancing” that my sister will be there. This is hard because it is the only time my kids can see their cousins when we are in town. However, my sister’s unclean words and behavior make me cringe. I don’t want to push her away, but at the same time, I don’t want my children exposed to such things, especially the language. I pray before we go, and often while we are there. And if my sister “acts up”, I make sure to instruct my children as to why what their aunt said/did was wrong, and ask them to pray for her.
Whew, this one is close to my heart. I am a convert to Catholic and have been so for 11 years. This was a HARD decision for me mainly because of 2 things. My sister married a Catholic too, and my parents were angry. (this shocked me) and the second things is that I hated not understanding what was going on.
I’ll clarify. Unlike the comments in your emails, I grew up very involved in my faith…Presbyterian with my parents and sister. We were baptized and confirmed and sang in the choir and were involved in all sorts of activities. My parents felt they had done something wrong or lacked teaching my sister something when she considered converting after her marriage. I was shocked. To me, I figured they would support any decision that she made. It wasn’t like she was forsaking her religion, she was just considering refocusing to a different faith name. I’m sure that isn’t the right way to state that, but its all I have. She did eventually decide (with her husband) to practice as a Lutheran because she couldn’t accept all the tenets of Catholicism. Her husband had a hard time adjusting but they have happily made the adjustment.
For myself, I went to mass with my then fiance and struggled to make myself understand. I had a hard time following because I was unfamiliar with the prayers and responses and cried the whole time..every time. After we married I went through the RCIA program and at the Easter vigil officially became Catholic. My parents understanding their mistakes with my sister…never said a thing about my conversion. It was just something we couldn’t talk about. My dad doesn’t get the exclusion for the Lord’s Supper and well, mom is probably the same way.
I want those who read this to understand, I am still a Presbyterian by birth, but I am also Catholic. I wanted my kids to grow up with both parents attending the same church so no confusion was created. I still have a hard time understanding some things that cradle catholics take for granted. Like the 40 hours thing. I have no idea what this is. But I whole heartedly embraced my new religion and want to understand all that there is to it. We all believe in the same God, we just have some different rituals to practice that faith. My parents are awesome role models of the Presbyterian faith and I’m proud of my upbringing. They should feel blessed that my sister and I have such religious convictions, because they taught us those convictions.
I hope I haven’t missed the point of your post. This is a very important topic for me.
The only time I really started to value my faith was when I started standing up for it. As I became more drawn to orthodoxy, I realized how wrong my family got it. And over time, differences started to show.
At first, I tried go-along-to-get-along and what I realized was: I was using that as an excuse to not stand up for what I believe in. I wouldn’t have to mention it, or defend it or discuss it in any way. And I was afraid. But? Perfect love casts out all fear.
So, after praying, and reading, I started to speak up. No, you can’t say those words around my children (and let’s be clear: not only foul language, but talk of immorality, you get the picture?) Nope, not gonna go to the sibling’s house where there’s a live-in lover. No, not gonna miss mass because of a family vacation. And believe me, there was nasty feedback to deal with. (Mostly because it is an in-their-face reminder that your standards are higher than theirs & that just doesn’t sit well with contemporary society.) But once I realized there was no avoiding that, I spoke up, stopped being such milque-toast and made my thoughts clear.
Did it have a happy ending? Yes, from God’s point of view. This is what I was called to do; to suffer for His sake. From the world’s point of view? 2 siblings and one parent no longer have anything to do with us. How could I *really* be a Christian if I’m the cause of this? they say. But I’m through apologizing. I say what I need to with a smile on my face but steel in my spine. They know our door is always open should they reconsider. And anything can happen, with prayer.
In reading many of the comments, I find myself asking Why we all feel that we must set ground rules and make sure that our opinions are respected ? It seems to me that ,no matter what religion we practice or how moral we are ,maybe while we are complaining that our values are not honored, we just may be dishonoring someone else’s values and beliefs. Is it possible that we are all just a tad bit sensitive ? There have been a couple comments to just let it go that have received counter comments, that letting it go is not being fair to who you are and will only make us resentful. If we truly feel this way and are resentful maybe we need to work on ourselves.
I understand that raising Good Catholic children is a tough job especially when other people set a bad example or make derogatory comments but that is just the world that we live in. We surely can alienate anyone who doesn’t follow our rules to a T, but is that really what is best for our children? Maybe a relative who skips Mass from time to time has many great qualities that your children could benefit from. Maybe that uncle who lives with his girlfriend could say something to your child that would someday save their life? I guess what I am saying is that we should really stop and think before we make these rules that alienate. Do we really want to teach our children that their way is the only way to be right with God ?( Hopefully we , as adults don’t honestly feel that way ) Do we really want them to ultimately judge all who they meet ? I guess that unless someone is doing something which could cause harm to our children, I am with the let it go crowd. We can only protect our children so long before they see what the real world consists of. Wouldn’t it be better to have them grow up understanding that we don’t do what we do because everybody in the world does it that way, But instead teach them that we do what we do because it is the teachings of our religion or because it is the right thing to do, or whatever the reason may be. Maybe we all need to worry less about what influence others have on our children but rather think about what impact our actions have . It is a well known fact that children have the capacity to love even those who are different from themselves . Are we parents capable of doing the same ? Just my two cents.
I know a Catholic homeschooling family who was in a difficult situation with cousins who had been raised with different values. After years of carefully raising their children, the cousins had a sleepover at the Catholic house and brought along pornography. While the Catholic boys didn’t intentionally look, they caught a glimpse and with one of the boys it became a challenge and caused a lot of heartache and guilt for him.
Can you protect your kids all of the time? No. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t protect them where and when you can, especially at impressionable ages.
We have a cousin who is pregnant with her third child out of wedlock. The father comes to family gatherings and, I don’t know how to put this, makes the women uncomfortable. He will never be alone with any of my children. On the other hand, it’s important that my kids see that we love and support my cousin, even if she is making choices which are making her sad. It’s pretty easy to see in this situation that God’s way makes us happy and not following God’s rules for our lives brings a lot of sorrow. It’s also a good pro-life message that children are a blessing and a good thing no matter the circumstances. Finally it’s a lesson that even though people sometimes make poor choices, God never stops loving them and neither should we.
Use the grace of your sacramental union to know whether it’s a situation that you can just “let go” or if it’s a danger to your children.
In response to visiting relatives who do not share your family’s values, when I was fourteen my parents sent me across the country to visit my relatives for the summer. Although they were Catholic they had fallen away from the Church. My aunt took me to Mass every week while I was there. At fourteen, I really wouldn’t have cared if I went to Mass or not, unfortunately. And she never did receive communion when I went with her. Years later she died of cancer and now that I’m an adult, I often think about her. She respected my parent’s faith and values, and although she did not have the same faith, she took me to Mass out of love for them.
God blessed me by sending into my life a very virtuous woman, my own mother. She spent her whole life “swimming against the stream.” I’m sure it was exhausting. But as a child, I never knew about it. As an adult, I’ve learnt how much grief she endured from her own mother, inlaws, neighbors, even fellow-parishioners, and sometimes my own dad. I deeply respect her for the virtue of Cheerfulness, which she exhibited most of time, which concealed these struggles from me. I thought she was just a happy mother, and I loved (and still love) those who provided the down-current in her life. Now that I’m an adult swimming upstream myself, I can see that Cheerfulness is needed. But the other virtue she had was Leadership. Cheerfulness without Leadership can be permissive, flaky. The Cheerful woman can (as C.S. Lewis says) be silent when she ought to speak, and laugh when she ought to be silent. Leadership alone can be rough, preachy, spartan, even isolating. But with the two together, you have a true Apostle of Christ. Thank you, Mom! I’m still working on it!
I have just made up my mind to prayerfully discern each situation. It is hard to know what to do. It is sad that we are more comfortable spending time with other Catholic homeschool families than our own relatives. Our extended family can be so kind, loving and
generous. They just seem to be misguided and fallen into the trap of the secular world where faith doesn’t matter. I struggle most with events like weddings, baby showers and bridal showers for the many family members who have adopted the “modern” lifestyle of having babies out of wedlock, living together before marriage etc. I feel that attending these events is in some way condoning this “lifestyle”. Yet if I don’t go feelings will be hurt. I generally only go if it is someone especially close but I still feel uncomfortable about it. I continue to pray for them.
Diane, with all due respect, you’re misrepresenting the previous comments. I think most of the thoughts people have expressed have been pretty reasonable and balanced. Your distortion of what people have written suggests to me that maybe you’re the one who’s a little sensitive at the moment. But that’s understandable. It’s a sensitive subject.
Part of the difficulty is how one defines what can “cause harm to our children.” Perhaps your definition is a bit narrower than others’. Is there not room for different perspectives on this, or is anyone who doesn’t see it your way deemed judgmental and unloving?
Diane (and others):
“Letting things go” sounds like a very nice and tolerant approach to parenting, but I must point out that one of a parent’s most important jobs is to protect our children from negative influences and to decide what kinds of interactions and information they are ready to handle … and when.
I don’t think anyone above has argued in favor writing off family members who simply don’t share our faith or who make life decisions we do not approve of. What many are saying, however, is that we, as parents, not only have the right, but the responsibility to control what kinds of things we allow our children to be exposed to.
Most of us wouldn’t dream of welcoming into our homes someone who might be a physical threat to our children’s well being. But it can be an even graver danger to allow someone to threaten their burgeoning faith and their souls.
If angry relatives insist upon undermining our authority with cheap shots and derogatory remarks, even as we aim to instill the faith in their young hearts and minds, it is indeed our job to make “rules” about what can and cannot be said to and in front of our impressionable children. Any relative, whether they share our values or not, can abide by basic rules of decency and respect parental authority.
So much of this handling these situations is just simple hospitality. As a guest when I visit people who do not share my faith/culture, I respect them and do not bring up topics which are sure to be divisive, biting my tongue until it bleeds sometimes. As a hostess for those who do not share my faith/culture, I respect them and do not bring up topics which are sure to be divisive, biting my tongue until it bleeds sometimes. Unfortunately, others do not always respect these time-honored customs of hospitality, in which case, it may be necessary to speak up courteously when harm is done. There is no crime in self-defense or in correcting factual errors. It may even be necessary to point out (courteously) that the rules of hospitality are being violated, and that one would appreciate a return to their observance. In unbearable situations, it may be better to limit visits rather than enter into an occasion of sin. As for the children’s exposure, others have explained beautiful ways of teaching the gifts of faith and of love.
I agree completely Karen! Now, (I hope this ok) I’d like to ask this: What about weddings? I’m getting married in a year to a Catholic and I’m Catholic, but memebers of both sides of our family are not. How can I respectfully make sure no one takes communion that shouldn’t? How can I make sure people who aren’t Catholic feel included? How can I respond to issues between now and then (like questions about whether we’re going to live together ahead of time, whether we’re going to start having kids right away, etc.)?
To Elizabeth:
I’ve been at weddings where the priest will state before communion that it is only for Catholics who are in good standing with the church. I have also been at weddings where it is written in the program. I would bring this up with your priest and ask him how he handles it. This is something that they do all the time. As for the other questions, it is really nobody’s business. Just laugh it off.