A reader writes:
My husband and I have a difference opinion when it comes to the Jolly Old Soul. I think it’s harmless fun and brings a sense of magic to the season and I think kids need some magic in their lives. He thinks that when kids find out “the truth” it’s more harmful than never believing. Our kids are 4 years old and 18 months so we need to figure this one out this year. I’m just curious where you stand on Santa and how to go about not allowing the secular stuff to override the true meaning of Christmas Day.
It has been my experience that intelligent, charitable, and well-intentioned people fall on both sides of this issue. See here for a Catholic apologist’s pro-Santa point of view.
I think that ultimately, how you feel about Santa is determined by how you were raised. If you were raised believing in Santa and it was a beautiful, magical experience for you, you are going to want to share that with your own kids. If you were raised not believing (as I was) you will likely find the very thought of telling your children Santa Claus is real to be absurd.
In our family, we don’t teach our kids that Santa Claus is real, because … well, he isn’t. We do teach them about St. Nicholas and celebrate his feast day, but they know that we are the ones who fill their shoes with goodies on December 6. They do get presents and stockings on December 25 as well, but they know that we and their grandparents are the ones who make that happen.
But I can assure you, not believing in Santa need not spoil anyone’s Christmas experience any more than believing in Santa necessarily secularizes it. When I was growing up, I had a real sense of Christmas being about Christ’s birth and the gift of salvation. And the fact that my parents saved their pennies to buy me presents, baked special treats, and brought a tree into the house to cover with lights as a means of celebrating God’s great gift of love was magic enough. Though I had friends who believed in Santa, I never felt deprived of the experience. On the contrary, I felt loved and secure just knowing the care and sacrifice my parents put into buying, wrapping, and preparing Christmas surprises for my brothers and sisters and me.
I loved the warm glow of Christmas tree lights and I reveled in the “magic” way our Advent wreath’s used up pink and purple candles were replaced with beautiful white ones in time for Christmas morning. I watched Christmas specials, played with Santa dolls, and read Christmas books with a great sense of joy and anticipation.
Today my children do the same. We enjoy pretending to believe in Santa, in much the same way we pretend to believe in Curious George, gnomes, or fairies. We tell their stories in great, magical detail. We discuss the logistics of Santa getting into a house with no chimney. We wonder about the number of elves he must employ and what Mrs. Claus might be cooking for his Christmas dinner. We love Santa.
As I wrote last year (don’t bother looking for the post — it’s been swallowed up by the universe) I think our approach to Santa is best summed up by something one of my younger brothers said years ago when he was just a little guy:
“I know Santa isn’t real … but how does he get into the house?”
We had a Santa talk with our four children last week and kinda spilled the beans. The older two had already guessed, but the 6 year old was devasted. We did make it a little better by exploring how we can all be Santa, sneaking items into stockings and taking goodies to the poor or giving gifts without expecting anything in return. She looked at us with wide eyes and seemed to be grasping the new concept. But the evening ended with, "I’ll probably forget about all of this before Christmas."
I grew up believing in Santa, as did my husband. Frankly, I’ve never known anyone as an adult or a child who DIDN’T believe in Santa. Discovering the truth about Santa wasn’t devastating to me, just a natural discovery.
I certainly think Santa is compatible with celebrating Christmas in the proper fashion. I asked my four-year-old tonight why we celebrate Christmas, and he correctly stated it was Jesus’ birthday, as if I were some kind of idiot for asking.
Being that incorporating Santa or not incorporating Santa into your traditions isn’t illegal or immoral, I don’t think it’s a big deal either way. For us, it’s been only a positive experience that adds to the celebration of Jesus’ birth.
I am very happy to say that this topic does not "set me off" anymore. I realized that I have grown this year. This time last year Danielle posted something similiar. Danielle, I think you explained it much more diplomatically this year. I thoroughly understand your point of view now. Has anyone seen Santa sitting on the telephone pole yet this year??
Geez, haven’t any of you ever seen "Mircale on 34th Street"?
I can see both sides of the santa story. I really don’t feel either way is right or wrong. I can see that it is a topic that really can light some fires as people feel attacked because of which side they choose.
I don’t remember Santa being a magical thing for me and although my family did Santa growing up I never remember really believing. We don’t do Santa although we do talk about St. Nicholas and the meaning of Santa.
One thing that bothers me is that some parents I know as kids get older, like 8, 9 and 10 and figure it out and ask questions their parents still do not come out and tell them the truth. They have to weave some pretty elaborate lies to keep their kids believing. I feel like the magic is more important for the parent that the child in these cases. I wonder if the older kids who have really been duped for too long do feel betrayed.
And although it came across a but harsh I too am amazed as Edith by the blog phenomenon. Everyone has a blog and the world seems obsessed with them. I have to be careful myself to limit my time on the internet. It is interesting to me that the one of the purposes is to get more people to come to your blog so you work on getting so and so to mention your blog and you mention so and so’s blog and it really can be just too much the amount of linking and for the purpose of more traffic to a blog. Is it all about getting more attention sometimes? Is there money to be made in ahving a blog? Is there alot of loneliness out in blog land?
Granted I have learned some valuable things from blogs. I know some moms have formed good friendships this way but for me the internet is not a place I find deep friendship.
I know this is all rambling on not the topic but on a comment.
It’s always been a non-issue in our family, as my husband’s family has a big Christmas Eve family reunion complete with a Visit from Santa! As children get older and figure out that it is one of their uncles wearing the costume, they also figure out (with only one exception, to my knowledge) that the whole Santa thing is a lot of fun and they don’t want to mess that up for the younger kids. And it’s always a real blast when Santa knows who had a good report card, and which toddler is ready to give up their binky….even the grownups enjoy his visit.
It almost sounds (or reads) to me that for most people who are pro-Santa it is not a matter of believing Santa to be a "real" person. I would think that most Santa fans enjoy it because it’s a way to have fun with kids, like pretending your socks are snakes or that you can dress up like a king or queen. Kids have very vivid imaginations. I think they can even get lost in their play. And for myself, I like to imagine that Santa could come and deliver presents under the tree on Christmas Eve. For me, it’s part of the magic of the season. And, we make sure to keep Christ as part of it all. As I’m sure all good Catholic parents who include Santa do.
Telling your kids that Santa comes is not lying, it is storytelling. Now, what kind of story may differ from family to family (is Santa just a bit of whimsy, is he a fun picture book, is he a novel that everyone gets immersed in?). I think it’s fine to use the Santa myth in whatever way seems best for your own kids and the development of their religious sense. But telling your kids that Santa left them presents isn’t lying, and I do wish that parents who choose not to "do" the Santa thing would be more charitable about this. I also think a kid (of whatever age) who really wants to know the concrete reality should be told it. But the question, "Is Santa real?" can mean different things to different kids. I think parents have the wisdom to guide their kids on this issue.
In my family, Santa brought our gifts, but we also loved setting up our Nativity scene. We all figured out the Santa thing gradually and enjoyed pretending at Christmas for the little kids. Santa leaves the gifts at my house now, and he sure does enjoy the milk and cookies!
Try reading the Father Christmas Letters by J.R.R. Tolkien–whatever your approach to Santa, this book is a great read, especially at this time of year!
I’m returning here at the end of the day and looking over the many comments. It would be amusing if it were not so very sad how we tend to draw lines and declare our way of doing things to be the correct way.
Not everyone in the world "does" Santa. Different cultures/countries have different traditions about how to celebrate any Feast Day. I actually have a Christmas book full of legends and tales about who is the one who brings gifts to the good little boys and girls during this season: a babushka woman, the Three Kings, Father Christmas, Kris Kindle. We enjoy reading it as a family and discussing what other people do.
It boils down to tradition. Thanksgiving traditions tend to revolve around food – cetain dishes that MUST be made or it "just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving." Maybe in some families there is a traditional football game played before dinner – parents against kids. And that game is very important to the family. It is a sense of continuity.
Children LOVE traditions. They want to know what to expect. They love the ritual. They love that Mom ALWAYS bakes these types of cookies. Or that Dad always tells this particular story. Or that the family always goes to Midnight Mass…or (in my family) that no presents are opened before Mass on Christmas morning.
Some of us grew up and the tradition of having Santa come was a very pleasant tradition. We want to pass that on to our kids. We want to keep the tradition alive. Some people did not have a good experience with Santa, or their family did not have that tradition, and it doesn’t feel right to do it…sort of like if somebody dictated "The Menu" for Thanksgiving Day and told everybody in the world they had to make this food and nothing else. If your family doesn’t happen to like turkey, you might bristle at the suggestion.
When two people join together to make a new family, even similar traditions will be different in the details. Every couple needs to decide how to best blend their childhood family traditions into a new family tradition. It isn’t that he wins or she gets her way – you pick and choose different things, totally reject some ideas, and perhaps adopt a few completely new customs.
For the couple who can not agree on what traditions to follow for Christmas, they need to pray and talk about their traditions and what they mean. Perhaps compromises are needed. If she wants Santa and he is worried about secularism, how can they combat that and still have "the magic" that Santa means to her? Can they ditch Santa and stress St. Nicholas instead?
There is no right answer. Just as there is no "correct" Thanksgiving meal.
We are using a new advent book this year.
The Advent-Christmas Book: Living and Celebrating Our Catholic Customs and Traditions by Joan Marie Arbogast
Simple. Prayers-story-crafts-recipe-worksheets-games (for Jesus’ b-day party)
My husband told me a story once about kids who were questioning whether or not Santa existed. The response of the father was, "What? You mean you don’t want any more presents???" Apparently now that the kids are grown, it is a big family joke to ask if Santa is coming or not.
We celebrate both Advent and Christmas with great zest in our house and we’re glad for anyone who wants to celebrate both seasons with us.
I will say that one of the funniest experiences we’ve had living down south like we do is to watch the expressions of the non-Catholic neighbors who happen to come by during Advent when they see our Jesse Tree. *Snicker*…They ask,"What’s that dead stick for, (insert family name here)? Granted,it does look rather bizarre to have a tree branch planted in the middle of the living room, but we tell them we’re Druids or some other nonsense and then we briefly explain what we’re up to and what the Jesse Tree means and leave it at that. We learn something new every day.
Blessings.
If it’s "tradition", as was mentioned, then we do need to ask: Is Santa the American tradition? We know of all those other countries’ traditions, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, etc. and why is it that they are all looked upon as good ideas? They’ve certainly never been looked upon as a "lie" as Santa is here. If Santa is an American tradition, then that means that this country has an deep-seated, ingrained tradition that has direct lineage to a Catholic saint. And you think that’s bad, how?…
I agree with two cents and Kathleen, and I also question JustMe :
"As for Santa, I wonder what St. Ann would have told Mary or what Mary would have told Jesus about Santa? That he’s really "real"? Somehow I doubt it."
And you have some kind of direct information as to WWMD? For the record, Christ spoke in parables. You know, made up stories. Like, there really was no "good Samaritan"; it was the idea of him that was – and is – true.
The other thing that I’m amazed by is this anti-imagination, anti-fantasy, anti-childlike approach to childhood. Not only do we do Santa, I made sure that I walked boot footprints in baking soda and made footprints coming from the living room chimney. My kids woke up to half-eaten carrots for the Easter bunny. And there was always a trace of glitter under the pillow – along with the dollars – when the toothfairy was in town. It’s an imaginary, mysterious, lovely, creative view of the world around up.
The other thing that I’m amazed by is this anti-imagination, anti-fantasy, anti-childlike approach to childhood. Not only do we do Santa, I made sure that I walked boot footprints in baking soda and made footprints coming from the living room chimney. My kids woke up to half-eaten carrots for the Easter bunny. And there was always a trace of glitter under the pillow – along with the dollars – when the toothfairy was in town. It’s an imaginary, mysterious, lovely, creative view of the world around up.
Oh, where will our poets come from?
JustMe wondered what St. Ann would’ve told Mary or what Mary would’ve told Jesus about Santa. Santa wasn’t around then – St. Nicholas came several centuries after Christ and his generosity, charity, and life as a bishop helped evolve into the stories of Santa that we tell now.
The CCC children’s video, "St. Nicholas, The Boy Who Became Santa" is a beautiful story for kids. That’s pretty much how our family approaches Santa – he is a character of great generosity who is full of love. The younger ones probably think he really brings the gifts, but they evolve into realizing that we are honoring the great St. Nicholas. Tonight, they will all put out their shoes for St. Nick to fill, and of course the older kids know who really fills the shoes, but they’re not complaining! We don’t go to great lengths to protect the secret, and the season is celebrated very much in a spiritual sense. But the magic of Santa, a beautiful, live, huge Christmas tree, and some other fun family traditions are all a part of the magic and mystery of the season.
I just spoke with my older kids about this topic, and my wise cracking 15 year old son said, "Mom, haven’t you heard the saying?
A man goes through three stages in his life: He believes in Santa, he doesn’t believe in Santa, he IS Santa!"
It’s good to keep our sense of humor about the whole subject!
Danielle, I think that whatever your reader (and others) decides to do, there are two important things to remember in this and many other situations.
1. Nothing is written in stone. As long as you aren’t confusing the issue every year by doing something different each time, there is no harm in changing your minds later on. Sometimes it takes us a long time to really hear and understand what God is trying to tell us. It may take several years of prayer to decide what to do on such an important decision. And if you do decide to change your minds in the years to come, you will not scar your children for life and render them empty, tradition-less, husks of faithless people. My parents ‘switched’ from Santa to St. Nicholas when I was about 11. They didn’t even explain to my 5 siblings and I why they were doing it. They just told us that we would be getting our stockings on a different day from now on, and that we were going to celebrate this feast day in this way. It was not a difficult change to adapt to.
2. This may be a more difficult decision to make, and adapt to. Husbands are the priests of the family. In cases where there is a decision to make on the spiritual life and future of the family, the husband and father has the special graces to make that decision. Especially in the case where there is a deadlock between the spouses, and a decision still has to be arrived at. Hard to swallow, but really, what do we as wives, mothers and women have to lose by letting our menfolk step up and be manly? In my experience, we have nothing to lose, and can gain a better understanding of our own feminine natures and the gift of feminine graces.
I love what NYa said here:
"The other thing that I’m amazed by is this anti-imagination, anti-fantasy, anti-childlike approach to childhood."
It reminds me of a family story. When my oldest was 5 or 6, she got into a heated discussion with her grandma about magic. "But grandma," she said, "you gotta believe in magic!"
Grandma was intrigued about her insistence. She asked my daughter why it was so important.
"Because," my daughter replied, "Jesus said you should come to him like a little kid, and little kids believe in magic!"
Peace and Laughter!
Teresa G: Your son missed the 4th stage! In the 4th stage a man looks like Santa!
I’m coming late into the game here, but I’ve never heard of families (in real life) who don’t celebrate Christmas with Santa. My older children know that Santa is not real, but it doesn’t take away from the magic of the holidays, and the true reason why we celebrate:- the birth of Christ Jesus. Why can’t we have it both ways?
NYa said, "The other thing that I’m amazed by is this anti-imagination, anti-fantasy, anti-childlike approach to childhood."
Just because we don’t choose to have gifts for the kids from Santa doesn’t mean that my children are deprived or are lacking in imagination or fantasy. They know the story of Santa — and we tell it in the context of Saint Nicholas. Big deal! We just don’t have them go sit on a stranger’s lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. We just don’t have them expect gifts under the tree from Santa — they get treats from St Nick in their stockings on his feast day. That certainly doesn’t mean my children don’t exercise their imaginations or have a wonderful "child-like childhood."
Yes, Jennifer — you should be able to have it both ways. That’s fine for your family. But mine chooses not to focus on the story of Santa and all I ask is that you (not you personally, but the bigger collective "you") respect that just as I respect your choice to encourage a belief in Santa among your younger children.
Wow, this topic really brings out the mama-bears in a lot of us.
I read the post by Danielle thinking that the idea was to give the original letter writer some ideas how we handle these situations in our homes, not the chance to criticize others for their personal traditions surrounding Advent and Christmas. So rather than go after any one for the way her family celebrates, I’ll just share if that’s okay ladies.
I am one of four raised by parents who were raised to believe in Santa and I was too. My husband was as well. We have 2 little ones, a seventeen-month-old daughter and 2 month old son. When I asked my husband if he had ever considered not having the legend of Santa as part of our holiday tradition (just to gauge his reaction) he looked at me as if I’d grown horns, a tail and my hands and feet had mutated into hoofs. He didn’t have to say much.
Here is the important thing, despite the trip to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what we want for Christmas at the mall, even though we read Twas the Night Before Christmas, and (gasp) we have some presents left by Santa under the tree Christmas morning, we DO NOT FORGET that it is JESUS’ BIRTH that is the reason for Christmas. That is why, more enduring that Santa Claus in our home is the watching of A Charlie Brown Christmas, because there on secular television is Linus stepping out of the spotlight after reciting from Luke and saying,"That’s what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
I really appreciated and concur with Edith’s comment. It’s humbling, but true.
Please tell Kateri that her drawings are awesome and they should be published!
-Laura
Wow, I had no idea Santa was so controversial! I don’t have kids yet, but I really have no idea what I will say or not say about Santa. I think my parents raised my brother and me to believe in Santa. Even as I got a little bit older, 5th and 6th grade, I hung on to the idea that Santa was part of that magical place where children are all happy and loved. I think that we live in a world where children grow up quickly enough as it is, and so…as long as parents are encouraging their children to imagine and play and embrace the warmth of the season with a joyfulness that only children can have, then we’re all on the right track.
This is a bit of a side note, but…last summer, I taught at a summer enrichment program for younger children. It was sort of like an educational day camp. In my PreK class I had a student I will never forget. He was the youngest of four or five siblings, but they were all much older, college age at least. Although he was five years old, he was skeptical of the world. He didn’t "play pretend" with the other kids. Instead, he would sit, cross-legged and declare, "This is STUPID." I think those moments were really sad to me. As long as kids are imagining a world that has the potential for miricles, I don’t mind where those thoughts originate.
I am rather surprised that no one, either pro- or anti- Santa, has appreciated magellamom’s observation that if, as a family, you are stuggling with materialism from extended relatives at Christmas, putting a lid on Santa may be an appropriate thing to do.
The funny thing about this debate is that it is, presumably, mostly between women who are active Catholics. It might be that the children who are raised in a family environment where Santa replaces Jesus are more likely to be disappointed when the Santa story is exposed.
It would seem that even after Santa has been hijakked by non-Christians to replace Our Lord, he still keeps pointing to the Real Reason for the season.
Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, O Lord.
Those words are true for the little children who are taught only Santa at Christmas, too.
I have a confession: my children believe in Santa and in fairies! On a certain level, I do too! Thanks to one of you for mentioning Tolkien’s Letters from Father Christmas, which I will read. We need to have balance in everything but I think we mothers can be too anxious about separating fact from fiction, reality from imagination. Well-read, well-loved kids eventually sort it out themselves, remembering the right lessons. Remember Charles Dickens’ (Hard Times) memorable teacher, Mr. Gradgrind? He was always shrieking about the absurdity of painting horses on wallpaper and roses on carpets. "Now, what I want is, Facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts. Facts alone are wanted in life. Plant nothing else, and root out everything else. You can only form the minds of reasoning animals upon Facts: nothing else will ever be of any service to them. This is the principle on which I bring up my own children, and this is the principle on which I bring up these children. Stick to Facts, sir!" Now there’s a grinch for you!
I grew up not believing in Santa. I really think I would have been quite angry with my parents if they had tried to "dupe" me as that is how I would have seen it as a child. My other siblings would have been fine with it.
As a parent, we do stockings on St. Nick day and many other Santa activities. My kids probably do not believe that Santa fills the stockings. We don’t tell them that we do it but our cynical kids assume that right away and our dreamers don’t ask. I have one child that would have been very angry at us if we had lived up the whole literal santa story and then later found out it was just that- a story. She has been suspicious from day one and needs constant security that people aren’t trying to trick her. My other 3 kids love the idea of Santa.
Our 5 yo just asked me again if Santa was real and I explained that yes, St. Nick is a real person. He doesn’t live at the North Pole but is in heaven with Jesus. We talked about St. Nick’s life- how generous he was and how he did good things in secret with his reward being given to him in heaven. St. Nick tried to imitate Christ! Son naturally thinks this is great fun and also wants to imitate St. Nick (Santa). And so it goes. We spend Advent trying to be little Santas to each other. When a task is surprisingly already completed we all agree it must have been Santa…;)