I’m busy, so I’m cheating. Today really is your turn — and it’s totally open.
Ask me a question. Make a comment. Make a suggestion. Offer some constructive criticism. As long as you’re polite, I can take it. I’ll do my best to answer questions, but I can’t promise to respond to anything you offer until after my trip to St. Louis this weekend.
Go on now. Have fun!
Oh my gosh! a Million posts! Haha, well reading (half way) through I had a couple things to comment on:
People who are having trouble getting in prayer time I recently got my mother an audio recording of the Immitation of Christ book on amazon. This way she can get some of that prayer/meditation time while driving which is what she does all day. She loves it. Hopefully that could work for some of you!
For people whose houses are a mess. I’ve only been a SAHM very briefly (I’m pregnant with my first!) but I have been AMAZED at the work involved in just caring for my tiny house and tiny family. My biggest complaint is that no one ever taught me how to DO THIS. I always had chores, but I’m talking ALL this. Someone gave me a book called Confessions of an Organized Homemaker. It is training from organizing your day to organizing your sock drawer. It’s amazing and NOT intimidating. The author is down to earth and funny.
For people who crave direction and advice of a good priest, have you considered getting in touch with a priest through email? I know some priests will email with people who need them. This is of course no replacement for regular confession, but it could be a very helpful supplement.
To # Amyon 11 Mar 2008 at 2:41 pm:
I think I know what you’re talking about. I am 31 weeks along and I just started feeling this new sensation a couple weeks ago. I wouldn’t call it a pain. It doesn’t really hurt, but it’s tingly in my upper abdomen, I would almost call it a numb feeling, kind of like when a leg falls asleep or something like that? Anyway, I talked to my Dr. about it at my regular apt on Friday. She did not seem concerned and said it was probably muscles stretching and giving way as I get bigger. I suppose it could be that. I’d love to hear if your Dr says something dif!
To Danielle: You’ve said you had horrible morning sickness. Have you ever found a prenatal vitamin that didn’t make you sick? I feel bad not taking mine, but I feel REALLY bad taking them…
Dear Anony (5:40):
Don’t be embarrassed, it is perfectly reasonable to be disappointed that the fullness of God’s plan for your bodily relationship with your husband is not happening! Since you’ve talked it over with your ob/gyn and nothing is physically wrong, I wonder if it could be exhaustion. I just say this because I’m coming out of a several-years-long period of burnout, and the more my body finally heals and rests, the better things are in the “renewing bodily self-gift” aspect of marriage for me. I have honestly prayed to God to give me my libido back during those months when I’ve been too tired to really enjoy the marital embrace. And he has answered! I’ve had to learn lots of good self-care habits (like getting more sleep, for example, and relaxing more throughout the day–laughing with my kids, letting my husband pat my back while I’m preparing dinner instead of stressing about getting it all done, taking time to do fun things for myself that are renewing), and also lots of patience. Sometimes it just takes lots and lots of “warm up” time for my body to be able to respond in the way my husband’s can in just a few minutes. Having a patient husband, a sense of humor, and lots of patience helps immensely. Also, learning “how” isn’t always obvious. It took a while after we got married to learn how to make things great. Maybe if you have “never,” the babies came before the skills were learned, and by then exhaustion set in? I’m no specialist, just theorizing here!
One thing that may help is natural progesterone cream. (This goes for the Anonymous above with ovarian cysts, as well.) The book What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause, by Dr. John Lee et al., explains the ins and outs of how to work towards better balanced hormones and explains when it may be appropriate to us a natural progesterone cream. This cream has definitely helped my body regain hormone balance, energy, and (yes!) interest. Also, Marylin Shannon’s book Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition is a good guide to hormone balance, which again, can really help your body respond to your husband in the way it was designed to. I’m sure you’ve read about Kegels and nutritional ways to enhance responsiveness, like fish oil supplements and certain vitamins.
Pregnancy, birthing, and breastfeeding place a huge demand on our bodies, and it is a totally common and normal response for the body to need lots of nourishment, rest, and care to be able to do all these things AND be responsive. You are by no means alone in your struggle, and there is definitely hope for you. And it is in God’s plan–He wants you to be able to experience joy in (pro-)creation! It releases bonding oxytocin hormones which cement your emotional attachment to your spouse, just like breastfeeding releases oxytocin which strengthens your attachment to your baby. You have every right to search for the support you and your body need in order to allow it to happen. There are lots of natural, perfectly moral ways to get help with this, and it would be a beautiful blessing for your marriage.
one more thing (i finished the whole page now):
# Amyon 12 Mar 2008 at 9:25 am
my neighbor has 8 kids, one adopted and 7 csections. I asked her if it was hard/dangerous etc, cause you always hear that it’s impossible. She said it was worse the more time there was between births cause it gave the scar tissue time to build up, but she is happy and healthy and so are all of her beautiful children. Goodluck!
I just have to ask if Danielle (or anyone else out there) has read the book, The Man Who Listens by Taylor Caldwell? I am currently reading it, and it is truly an awesome book imho. I would like to hear your opinion…
Regarding vitamins that don’t make you sick while pregnant: Flinstones Complete have gotten me through just fine (though sometimes I have to switch to the gummies because the taste of the chalky/powdery ones starts making me feel sick). My OB said they were almost as good as what he was prescribing me to take anyway and I just added extra Omega 3 into my diet with flax seed (add to yogurt, peanut butter, applesauce) to make sure I had my bases covered.
I’m with you, too. And at the whole is-this-my-cross point. Can’t help, but I sympathize.
Over the years I have bought and been disappointed or frustrated with various Bibles. I am looking for a good Catholic Bible without the inclusive language. Does anyone have any recommendations?
I haven’t read through all these questions so I don’t know if this has been asked yet. I kinda doubt it.
When you have a bunch of little kids out in public like the grocery store, how do you take anyone to the bathroom? For instance, I don’t want to bring my 8 year old son in the lady’s room while my 4 year old daughter has to go but I don’t want to leave him out with the cart or standing by himself in the mall either. Also, sometimes, I don’t want him going in the men’s room by himself at some places either. HELP! For now, I just don’t go out without my husband. I have 5 kids 8 and under and sometimes I want to be able to take them out by myself….sometimes….I think.
Happy 13th to Kateri and Happy 18th to my Melissa!
To Anonymous
I hope you have find a counsellor to tackle your depression and anxieties issues. May be after 16 years of marriage & being a homemaker must have drained you. I am sure many women out there facing the same problems. Marriage become dull if you don’t keep the fire burning. Plus with your spouse constantly tranvelling may have add on pressure on you. If it is menopause that is approaching, I am sure that the hormone will play apart in the depression and feeling insecure. Do read up books about menopause and understand how your body and emotion responding to the hormone changes. You could cope well with the menopause if you understand it. Communicate your finding to your spouse and let him understand what you are going through. If you find that you can’t communicate with him anymore, please find a marriage counsellor. It is perfectly alright to seek professional help on marriage,etc. Whether you are seeking comfort in alcohol to wipe up your problems and sorrows or you are already a alcohol addict which inturn cause you being depress, anxiety and may even cause some menopause symptom worsen. Please understand that alcohol will make you feel more depress and fearful. Please don’t drink to drown your sorrow. Find ways to make you happy like do some gardening, play with your daughter, window shopping, buy a nice reasonable dress, bake cookies and most of all exercise. Exercise could help you to control your depression. I always find jogging helpful when I am in my blues. Built up your confidence, find back “yourself”. If you find that you are addicted to alcohol, seek professional help.
I suggest that you could change your way of communicating with your spouse. It may be tough, but I am sure with alot prayers and novena you could work it out. I am sure you love your husband and I am sure he loves you too. As mentioned, marriage may become dull when work and family become a priority in your marriage life and all the hastle in life have put off the fire. I believe, when you are married, you and your spouse are united and become one and first. Then follow by children. I may sound uncatholic but I will suggest that when you are working through on building up your self confidence, try vowing back your husband. Have an affair with him, flirt with him. Leave some love notes to your husband. Sometimes give him some caring and comforting positive words. Give him some surprise gifts. You may find it difficult from the start and your husband may find it hard to response to you but don’t give up. Continue with your love notes, via text messages to his mobile, recording message, post letters to the hotel he stays if you think is comfortable for him to receive letters. And if he is back home, leave some notes where he can easily finds it. Cook something that he likes. Sometimes you could give him some sexy notes. Give him a hug or kiss with no reason and say thank you to him more often. Smile and laugh more often when he is around. Create the positive atmoshere. Do not say negative remark to him, do not response to him negatively, what I mean is he may in some way commented negatively towards you on your sudden changed of behaviour. Be patience and don’t give up. When he sees positives behaviour or changes in you, he will inturn turn to you. After married, doesn’t mean that we don’t need to work on our marriage or love anymore. We need to have constant “service” and “maintenance”. Even we are in our 80s or 90s, we still need to work on our marriage and is wrong to take our peace and calm marriage for granted. We shall constantly to be alert for the evil one. Because he knows, marriage is the sacred holy kingdom of God on earth and if he can find ways to influence our mind and find way to destroy a family, our children will be astray from God and Catholic faith.
I am not a professional counsellor,etc. Please do seek help from priest or catholic marriage counsellor for proper professional help. Be prayful. I always find Rosary most helpful in whatever situation or difficulties. Pray to Holy Mother of God, after all she is a mother and a wife, so she understands. Pray to God for courage to seek help. Ask Jesus to cover you and your husband from the snares of the evil one.
Lastly ask help from St Joseph, spouse of our Virgin Mary Mother of God, ask him to help you and your husband to create a holy family.
Please do know that God loves you no matter who you are. God bless.
To Anne: Thanks for replying to my post. I really don’t think the occasionaly pain/tingling is anything either, but I’ll find out.
anyway, all I can take for vitamins in Flinstones w/Iron. I actually use the Walmart version cause they taste the best. Anything else makes me sick.
To Lindy,
The Douay Rheims bible is a great choice.
I already posted one question but had a few more and figured I’d ask them while I can.
1. What do you do about the kids sharing rooms? I’m assuming that they do and that your house doesn’t have nine bedrooms. Once our baby is out of our room some of the kids are going to have to share and we’re not sure the best arrangement. The oldest two are a boy and a girl and the best sleepers. Is it ok for them to share? And for how long?
2. Do you feel it’s necessary to protect your children from worldly influences? Since you homeschool, they’re not getting the same exposure to popular culture as their peers but what do you do if you need to go to the mall, or even the grocery store (with inappropriate magazine covers on display at child height)? I can’t keep my kids away from all this forever but at the same time I don’t want them thinking these things are the “norm” when they are at such an impressionable age. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong generation! The clothing, music, tv shows out there are so horrible. A lot of people would say that you can’t protect them from all of that but that’s our job as parents…at least until they are old enough to discern between right and wrong. So what do we do? How can we be in the world but not of the world?
To all those who’ve posted with housekeeping issues…
What I’ve found to help, after about 5 years of being home, is to not expect the house to be entirely clean at once. I used to do whole house cleaning on one day but that’s not realistic with kids. Now I spread it out throughout the week and most of what I do is just maintenance. I keep cleaning supplies where they are used (up high in bathroom closets upstairs). And I use products that I never would have used before…Swiffers, Clorox wipes, Clorox toilet wand, etc. That way, if I notice the bathroom counter needs to be wiped down I just pull a wipe out and do it. No excuses and no waiting until cleaning day. I find this way I haven’t really had to do a major cleaning too often. Oh, and upon the recommendation from friends we bought a Roomba. I LOVE IT! It’s not as good as a regular vacuum cleaner but I can vacuum the upstairs bedrooms while I’m downstairs playing with the kids (or catching up with Danielle’s blog). Just like Danielle said about the brownies…it may not be the way we would like to do it, but it’s better than not at all.
Just wanted to wish a happy 13th birthday to Kateri. It is my youngest son’s 2nd birthday, too. 13 in no longer an unlucky # around here since our anniversary also lands on the 13th of July. :o)
This question and answer posting is awesome! I’ve gotten some great information and been able to give out some of my own advice, too. Thank you, Danielle, for giving us this opportunity to share with you!
Sarah G –
A security guard or store manager should be willing to accompany your son into the restroom. Had to do that w/my son once in an “emergency” situation. He was your son’s age. It was the only option. Peace. ~~~mary
In response to anonoymous March 11 that is married 16 years.
My heart goes out to you. The most powerful thing I can suggest is pour your heart out to God for his help. I will pray for you! But, don’t lose hope. The most difficult situations do change with God’s help.
In the meanwhile, can you contact your parish for assistance. Our parish has older couples to help in these situations and they have Retrouville – a retreat from troubled marriages that I have heard is very good. In the past, my husband and I have spoken w/ these couples and it is very good to have their support and prayers.
God bless!
To add to the conversation about small(er) families and contributions – and listening to the experience of the poster who is a Catholic school teacher in NY – I can tell you that I now have quite a few years experience regarding both my contributions to large families and Catholic schooling.
My children go to an excellent private Catholic school that is both academically, theologically and philosophically rock-solid. Because of it being such a great school, it tends to draw from some large, Catholic homeschooled families. But because the expenses are through the roof (insurance, teacher salary, rent, utilities, etc) it costs well over $10,000 per child per year to make the school work. And it’s the smaller families that aren’t stretched to the financial limits that are subsidizing those large, working-class poor or lower-middle-class Catholic families. Yes, I have some financial flexibility because I don’t have 4 or 6 or more children, and so I pay more. They pay less, a lot less.
It’s a huge contribution – their kids would never get such an excellent educational experience that is available to them at our school – and it’s the smaller families that make that happen. And I’ve never seen anyone even mention this in any large family/small family discussion.
To Sarah G,
I, too, have an 8 yo son. Despite what others may or may not deem appropriate, he still comes in the restroom with me more often than not. In our small hometown, I am very comfortable letting him go in alone while I or one of his older sisters waits outside. However, when we travel, if my husband is not with us, I insist he come in with me after I check inside to make sure there are no ladies changing or in some other form of undress. He feels he is too old for this, but truck stop and “big city” restrooms are not the places I want him to assert his independence. The risk far outweighs the benefit in my mind. So far, I have never been chastised by a bathroom patron for bringing him in, in fact, most of the women nod in understanding at my choice, even while my son complains sadly that he’s being treated like a baby. I am interested in knowing at what age other mom’s allow their sons to use public restrooms alone.
To the lady who asked about shopping and bathrooms…..I know what you are talking about-totally! it is quite the big deal over here so here is what I do- The rule is that we DO not use the public bathrooms! I make sure that they ALL go the bathroom within 5 minutes of leaving the house; if they really have to go-iin dire emergencies- I usually go to the van-buckle everyone in their car seats and find the nearest tree or next to the van where no one can see. I use a blanket and drape it over the child….or if there is a potty I can take with me-then I do so or a bucket-whatever works.
So, that’s it-no way do we feel comfortable leaving our son- 7yrs. old- in the men’s bathroom by himself-noway! or leave the other 4 in a cart-noway. hope this helps out.
Wow, so much here.
We began homeschooling as our local Catholic school increased tuition; we were moving away, anyway. Now we’re back and still homeschooling – $6500 is too much, high schook is $10K – and the elementary school is losing money because it has so many empty classroom seats. People can’t afford this tuition. For this one school, at least, salary parity has backfired. The pastor just announced a freeze in teachers’ salaries – now they can’t achieve either the parity goal or the full enrollment goal. Sad.
I agree with Anony-not much advice but you are NOT ALONE!
Wow! I’m considering doing this on a regular basis as some of you requested. For now, though, I’m closing comments as I won’t be around to moderate them. Have a great weekend!