In last week’s discussion about bedroom arrangements, Genevieve Kineke and I took our discussion from the comments section to a private email conversation. What resulted from our friendly exchange was an interesting disagreement on the related topic of “mother guilt.” For this week’s discussion, I asked Genevieve to sum up her thoughts on the matter. To these, I have added my own. We invite you to read on and join in.
Genevieve writes:
In our discussion last week about bedroom arrangements for children, the term “mother guilt” turned up and Danielle firmly instructed the reader to dismiss it as unhelpful to the process of raising children. In all fairness, I think she is referring to the guilt trip that the world lays at our doorstep, insinuating that we often don’t love sincerely enough, give enough time and attention, etc. and run the risk of irreparable harms. To that, we must be dismissive because the world’s standards are not our own and are often quite harmful to our eternal souls.
That said, I am extremely uncomfortable with the suggestion that “mother guilt” is 99% unhelpful, because guilt has an extremely important place in living our faith. There is actual guilt, and there’s often a nagging feeling that accompanies it in order to get our attention. Surely, the world scrambles the message, but that doesn’t mean that guilty feelings are without substance. Rather than dismissing the guilty feelings, especially those attached to our primary vocation of motherhood, I think we should find a yardstick by which to assess our actions — an examination of conscience that is fair but firm — so that we can either shrug off the nagging doubts or adjust our course of actions. (The saints and good friends are key to this!)
Mothering is a critical and difficult task in a fallen world. Often our own wounds or shortcomings blind us, and the best of intentions become hijacked. I’ve found that the use of forgiveness provides the humility and clarity of judgment to help everyone find God’s holy will, and if mother — of all family members — is willing to parse her guilt and grow, then the children will learn from her how to judge all actions.
Perhaps all of this is simply a question of semantics, but I find “mother guilt” a valuable tool a gift for the benefit of all.
I respond:
Perhaps this is a matter of semantics. I did in fact say that I think 99% of “mother guilt” is unhelpful and I do in fact believe that. But this is only if we are talking about the kind of senseless mother guilt that so many otherwise good mothers tend to burden themselves with. The kind that makes you lie awake at night wondering, “Do my kids eat too much dairy?” and “Do my kids not eat enough dairy?” at the very same time. The kind that makes you desperately look for some way to blame yourself for every last toddler tantrum. You know what I mean: He’s not getting enough attention. Or he’s getting too much attention. Or he’s not getting the right kind of attention. Or he’s getting the right kind of attention but at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons and I never should have made him give up a pacifier and he’s going to grow up detached and anti-social and maybe turn to drugs for fulfillment and it’s all my fault.
Perhaps my perspective on mother guilt also has something to do with the circles I run in. Most moms I know are doing their very best to love and care for their kids. They give generously of their time, talents, and attention — often at great personal cost — to ensure that their kids have the very best health, education, faith formation, and home life. More often than not, mother guilt among these folks is a distraction from their duties and sacrifices. I see it as a temptation toward despair. If we burden ourselves with enough senseless guilt in this way, if we refuse to have confidence in the choices we make for our families, it can be easy to despair. It can be easy, eventually, to think that whatever we do doesn’t really matter in the end. It’s all going to end badly and we’ll be to the ones to blame.
What do you think? Do you suffer mother guilt? Should we pay attention to it … or not?
Agree. And agree. As a convert, I have learned to listen to and appreciate a better formed conscience so that when I feel guilty, it is usually justified. A gift of the Holy Spirit. An action or inaction on my part. Usually an injustice to a family member.
With that popping up every night in my examination of conscience, I never have time to worry about the dairy or attention issues! The bottom line is I want to go to bed with a clear conscience, that I did the very best I could out of love for Christ. I often fail, I apologize, probably not as much as I should. And, I realize that with 6 kids, the odds are someone will end up on Jerry Springer blaming me for their adult issues anyway :)!
I hope this doesn’t sound like a cop-out, but I come down squarely in between. I would have leaned more towards dismissing guilt like Danielle, as my friends and I are hardworking homeschooling moms of many children, how could we possibly give more than we do? Then, I went to confession to an extrordinary priest from the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal to do a ‘spring cleaning’ of my mother guilt.
Father showed me how to judge my attention to my children versus my attention to say, blogging. . . Ouch! I thought I was doing my very best, however, I was deceiving myself. Sometimes we should let our confessor help us decide which guilt is superfluous, and which is the conviction of the Holy Spirit. After all, if our gold standard of motherhood is the Blessed Mother; we all have a long way to go.
A crucial factor for me in this is that, for guilt to be productive, it cannot, in the end, be ‘about me’. The most helpful & productive, yet at the same time difficult practice I have learned about guilt is: while I may feel & believe that I am doing my best, giving *the* best (or someplace close to that, more of the time than not, generally & given my values & peer group), this may not be what my husband or one or more of my children feel. Guilt is a painful but I think spiritually essential ‘wake up call’ when I can look around & see the impact of what I give on them. It isn’t about me. It’s about whether or not THEY say they get what they most need. It doesn’t have to be perfect; I just need to listen. I think guilt is an extremely helpful spiritual gift in this way.
I think this really is about semantics. I think what Danielle is saying is that women, mothers inparticular tend to beat ourselves up over what we percieve to be our failings. We spend time, espcially at night, or when our minds are not otherwise engaged (like when we are doing laundry, washing dishes, changing diapers, cooking dinner…see what I mean?—another reason why mothers of young children are so prone to this, how often are our minds engaged with something…well, engaging?)…we spend too much time dwelling on how we are ruining our children and how that other mother is doing such a great job with hers. This I would call "beating myself up" or "BMU" and I believe it to be a complete waste of time (though it is something I engage in far too much—which is why I can recognize it I guess). Then, a small percent of the time, a feeling crops up, that we call guilt, that should really move us to an Act of Contrition and a firm purpose of amendment. This should be addressed as soon as possible, but should not lead us to beating ourselves up. That is not God’s intention for guilty feelings. Which is why He gives us confession, right? So we can move on knowing we are forgiven and being given the help to do better.
(Again, I must emphasize that I can say all this because I am the Queen of BMU and have spent many sleepless nights dwelling on the fact that my kids will someday appear on Oprah to tell the world how their loud, half Italian, mother yelled at them all the time.)
I agree with the commenter who stated BMU is not worth it. I’ve been working on that issue a lot lately. I don’t think God wants us to do that. We all need to take a good look at what we "Think" we are feeling guilty about. Right now I feel that because of all the work I do, I neglect my children in certain ways. I do get reminded often that they are not babies anymore, and should be more responsible. I also had a therapist tell me "something has to give". Right now it is school work with my youngest. I spend hours on mine, he’s just at that point where he has 8th grade "itis". That said, I do feel some mothers should have guilt and for good reason. But, they need to find that out for themselves.
I can understand both sides of this debate . I think that some mothers do have guilt for good reason and should take it seriously while others are simply self critical and need to ignore the overwhelming feeling.
Personally I rarely feel "Mothers guilt" anymore. My children will be 17, 14, and 11 within the next couple weeks to months. When they were little I did second guess many decisions that I made which led to some guilt but over the years I have grown more confident . It has also helped that through the years my children have realized that some things that seem so unfair at the time make so much sense down the road. For instance six or seven years ago my daughter decided to befriend a group of girls, though I would never discourage my children from being anyone’s friend, one girl in the group seemed particularly troubled. this girl constantly begged me to allow my daughter attend asleep overs at her house. My daughter was mortified that i would not allow even day time visits to this girl’s home. I was called prejudice, arrogant, and a whole slew of other words. Yes I did from time to time feel guilty about Making my child miss out on these gatherings but I believed in my gut feeling and did not give in. A couple years down the road we found out that this girl’s home life was at best rocky. It turned out that she ran away to another girl in the groups home where she told them she was abused. The felt sorry for her and let her stay until the Police tracked them down and charged their family with kidnapping .( She told her parents that her friends family were keeping her at their house against her will) This incident woke my daughter up as well as taught me to go with my gut.
As I stated in my comment last week, We all just need to do the best that we can.If we feel guilt we shouldn’t ignore it until we ask ourselves if there is true cause for our guilt. If there is we need to fix the problem,. If we find no just cause for our guilt we should let it go.
I can be the queen of mommy martyrdom. Yet on a different day I can be the "entitlement mommy". As with anything isn’t moderation best?
Two different extremes that get my dander up:
1) when someone in a mommy’s group will say something like, "I could never give my children poptarts. Don’t you realize the amount of sugar in them?" OR "I could never leave my children with a sitter. I feel it is my vocation as mother to be there for them.(feel free to insert the comments you have heard)
2) Then you have the other extreme where mommy goes to Cancun for a week when one of her daughters has prom.
Now me personally, I do think "mommy guilt" has helped keep me grounded. When I get too extreme with doing things like trying to keep track of how much fiber my kids are getting in a day (not kidding)…then this ‘gut’ feeling says "Hey whacko–your taking this mommy guilt too far". If I want another shirt/pants/shoes that I really do not need or will probably not want in a month but think I should get it because "mommy deserves it"…then this ‘gut’ feeling says "hey mrs. entitlement! Who are you here to set the example for?"
lovin’ yet another one of your topics!!
I think the usefulness or damage doen by mommy’s guilt is often dependent upon the particular woman’s temperament. If you tend to be scrupulous in your life, it is probably best to ignore mommy’s guilt. If you tend to shrug off possible moral twinges in other areas of your life, maybe pay more attention to those feelings of guilt.
This reminded me of some good advice a priest gave about going to confession. A tired mom asked if it was okay to write down her examination of conscience. He said it was great, unless you tended to be scrupulous – then forget about it and just confess what you remember at the time.
So much of this "mother guilt" comes from comparing ourselves with other mothers. Her kids never get sick, she must provide them with all the right nutrition. Her kids are always well behaved in church, she must be disciplining them better than I. Her kids are so smart, she must be a better homeschooling mother. The list goes on and on. Stop comparing yourself to other mothers. Assess the situation, give yourself a thumbs up or thumbs down and then make a plan to do something about it. Guilt will not make you a better mother. Actions in the right direction will.
I think even the different angles from which you and Genevieve look at the question speak to a bigger problem/confusion that affects society in general as well as busy homeschool moms. I think we, on the whole, tend to be confused about what we ought to do for our children in this life. Perhaps this is because of a disconnect between ourselves and previous generations (a symptom of working moms and other modern issues?), not having the opportunity to apply our moral education to our lives and, often, lacking a support system to help us understand that.
Mothers – and busy homeschool moms perhaps more than the rest – are left with a confused sense which often leans towards a perfectionist over-burdening – of what they can reasonably expect themselves to accomplish. Add to that things like expert-worship (especially with expert wannabees who wrongly universalize their own experience) and you can see why Mommy guilt is often out of control. It can be truly debilitating at times.
I do sympathize with Genevieve’s point of view to a certain extent too, though. For one, I really dis-like the "pat" answers to homeschool-mom guilt like "If they stay home and do nothing, they’re better off than if they’re in school" or "My kids don’t need to be rocket scientists." We don’t need cop-outs (and often aren’t even comforted by them); we need real answers and a sense of what is essential and what is not – particularly when we’re faced with tough situations like illness, selling a house, etc.
I think the answer tends to lie in a certain degree of simplicity. Our children need less "stuff" and a lot of love and understanding and "access" to us. We need to allow ourselves to be satisfied by taking care of our children’s needs (but not trying to do everything for them!) – even though society doesn’t tend to value jobs that don’t pay money – and not overburdening ourselves. We need to find support for the way we choose to live and not be afraid to find people who we can discuss our problems with – a confessor is a good idea! Giving ourselves a chance to live and grow in the faith is really important too.
Oh yeah – and work on not taking ourselves so seriously!
One essential ground rule: no one does the best they can. The answer is frequent confession and asking for forgiveness from our children. This heals guilt, but some shame may remain.
In my experience, my worst episodes of "mommy guilt" occurred when I was a young inexperienced mother and had no real mother friends yet. I joined a mother’s group dedicated to breastfeeding (we all know the name) and I became overwhelmed with feelings of inadequecy, guilt and confustion. The group mentalitiy really got to me, and it became less about the how tos of breastfeeding and more about "listen to me tell you about how I manage to tandem nurse a newborn and toddler, make a soy burger, read aloud to my preschooler and send an email at the same time". Of course, I’m exaggerating. But what I gleaned from this experience is that I had to be careful of women’s groups in general. I was getting sucked into something that wasn’t right for me or my family and instead of feeling more confident about my ability to mother my children, I began to feel guilty and confused. And sometimes, the group that you really want to belong to, is the one group that you might be better off staying away from.
I don’t really worry (or feel guilty) about being all things to my children anymore. My children go to school and that has forced me to separate my ego from their accomplishments. Once they leave my house in the morning they are out of my control. My husband and I provide a stable home for them, we feed and clothe them and make sure that they are up in time for school and get to their after school activities and do their homework. But everything else is really up to them.
So my answer to the question is that yes, I do experience mother guilt every now and then. I try to discern whether it is warranted or not (is it peer pressure from other mothers? am I comparing the "inside of my family to the outside of another family"?). I usually do this by talking to my mother or my husband. I trust their advise. But is mother guilt a constant in my life? Not really.
I agree that it is a matter of semantics. In my mind, guilt is a good thing from God as Genevieve pointed out. It indicates to us when we are being sinful, need sacramental confession and a change in our course of action. "Mother guilt" is wrapped up in comparing ourselves to others, it leads to discouragement and it is not from God, which is the point I think Danielle is trying to make.
If we’re talking about all our guilt being "mother guilt" because we are mothers, then we need to assess whether our guilt is coming from sinful actions (like yelling at our kids) or is based on a comparison to others (like giving our kids pop tarts).
I find both women have a strong case in point and we are definately talking semantics here. As I read through Genevieve’s comments, I felt she was right. I interpretted her case as that little sense of right and wrong that can be used to help steer us on the right path. As I read Danielle’s comments, I though "whoa she’s right too. If I lied awake thinking all those things I would be exhausted when I woke up. And that type of guilt in not helpful but does bring us to dispair. So I say bravo ladies for having the sensibility and the Grace of God to be able to share your different viewpoints with all of us and still come up with a happy resolve for all.
I think it helpful to distinguish (as Stephanie below did) between the guilt associated with sin and the guilt associated with not following all the advice of the latest magazine article or even of what your friends are doing.
1. When I feel guilt about (for example) having screamed at my kids, or having not dealt properly with my child who just had a tantrum, that is good guilt. It is listening to my conscience! It will help me to change my behavior. It will help me to be reconciled to God and my children. It will also help me consider how to deal with the same situation in the future. If I don’t listen to this "guilt", I could be setting myself up to commit greater sin!
2. If I feel guilt after (for example) having read up on the proper amount of dairy or sugar that my children should consume each day or whether they should share a room with their siblings (!), that is a whole different thing. Danielle, I think this is the kind of "Mommy guilt" that you are talking about.
Now, If I constantly say, "Get out of my face, you are making me feel guilty!" how will I ever grow? If I always say, "I am doing my best," how will I be open to improving myself? On the other hand, if I constantly try to follow the advice of every magazine article or weblog (!) I read, or every opinion on disciplining my children (NOW THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE!) then I will end up running in circles and go crazy!
I think it all boils down to maturely considering whether the "mother guilt" I am feeling is going to help or hinder me in my final goal of raising my kids for Christ! I am answerable to Him alone.
I agree with you both as well! I find that the vast majority of my mother’s guilt stopped when I did two things: one – I quit reading Parenting magazine about all of the "right" and "wrong" ways to raise my children, and two – I quit placing myself in competition with every other young mother in playgroup to see who was "doing the best" (of course this entailed whose kids were never in trouble, who was already reading, and who had their children cleaning up their toys with nary a complaint).
Most guilt does come from a society which believes children to be appliances that "if you do steps 1-5, your problem will be fixed immediately" and from others that perpetuate this myth onto you and your children. The sooner that a mother learns to tune it out, the less "senseless" mother’s guilt (the kind that Danielle speaks of) there will be.
That said, Genevieve is right in that sometimes guilt can lead us to be better parents. Another commentor’s account of guilt over blog time versus quality time with family is an example of "healthy guilt" that rings true for me! This type of guilt is quite useful in placing my real priorities first!
I wonder how much "mother guilt" is a form of scrupulosity, and to what degree both Danielle and Genevieve are right, even in their differences.
I know that I have a very active sense of guilt, and it is often that which gets me moving toward doing something I really ought to be doing. But I also can suffer from the despair that guilt breeds if I dwell too much on it–that is to say, if perhaps my standards are unrealistically high, or I have some obstacle in meeting them. It’s the same guilt for me–about the same issue–but today is it going to be motivating or paralyzing?
After prayer, husbands are good moderators of this kind of thing, in my experience. Even when you totally disagree with them (assuming it’s not an objective matter of sinfulness) it’s often good just to follow their lead. You often find that they are right on the money–that it really is better to let this slide, or you really are slacking a little too much on that. I know Holly Pierlot talks about this in A Mother’s Rule of Life, about God revealing his will to you through your husband’s wishes or leadership.
Plus, they make really good shoulders to cry on. Sometimes that’s all you need!
I’m joining the fence riders and agree with you both. If mom guilt is scrupulosity — I agree get rid of it – it’s a joy killer. And it’s a cross for those temperaments that are prone to this.
But a little bit of guilt in a sanguine like me – who would be prone to give her child a donut everyday despite my good will — is there for a good reason, and I should pay attention to it!
However, needless to say, I never suffer from guilty issues over not being able to: "to tandem nurse a newborn and toddler, make a soy burger, read aloud to my preschooler and send an email at the same time." (as aforementioned by Jennifer – LOL!!) I try to save my guilt for something really good.
I think we all tend to suffer from "PMS" (perfect mommy syndrome) when we measure ourselves against other women and our perception of how they live their vocation, rather than discerning how God wants us to personally live our own.
That nagging voice of guilt certainly helped me quit my couple of Marlboros a day habit when the kiddos were napping. So for that, I agree with Genevieve. It was a good thing.
in order to make this issue "real" (rather than just theorectical),i will confess that a time i see "good guilt" would be when i lose my temper with my two year old. she’s only two afterall and i know it’s my lack of virtue (nothing more!) that allows me to yell at her when she does something naughty. i should be firm and calm instead, when she unplugs my computer for the tenth time, AFTER her time out! for the most part, however, i agree that the "senseless" guilt danielle speaks of IS a waste of time! oh, one more confession–i do worry if my two under two get enough attention (being from a big family myself)…is that good guilt or bad guilt? i know i am oversensitive in this area. any comments from those who have experienced big families?
sorry for the typo-my baby is crying!
I think in our hearts of hearts we know whether or not our guilt is justified, and then we should act. I think it’s the moms who ignore that feeling who are not doing their families justice.
I probably don’t have enough mom guilt most days. If it were not for what little bit I have I would let the kids raise themselves. I would sit on the computer all day with my chocolate and coffee or snuggled in bed with some good fiction. I am not the natural born selfless servent. I need a lot of prodding to do just about any of the good motherly duties.
So guilt is pretty much what makes sure my kids get 3 decent meals and a bath. Otherwise it would be a bag of cheetos and I would just wait til they are old enough to shower.
How timely! Just last night after I finished reading a bedtime story to my 3 and 4 year old girls, the 4 year old pointed out that we’d never read the story (the Very Hungry Caterpillar) before. Oh the guilt! How could we (that is, ME!)have let that happen. My older kids had probably been read that book in utero…But, after they were in bed asleep, I had time to reflect. The guilt had pretty much subsided, I mean it’s not like we don’t read to our preschoolers, but I did feel my conscience being pricked. Are there times when I choose things I want to do more than finding time for them–sometimes to excess. There sure are. So, while I don’t think guilt for the sake of "motherly perfection" is the reason the Spirit works on us, but perhaps, to temper some of our own tendencies which bring us away from the person God has called us to become.
Paigu: I adore you. It is entirely possible that we were separated at birth. Thank you for your honesty — saying what I should say but don’t dare!
Paigeu: I’m sorry to misspell your name. Must have been the post-separation trauma surfacing…
No I don’t suffer from ‘mother guilt’. After two very bad bouts of post partum depression, I have learned that I need to not have guilt when it comes to my kids. Guilt is not productive, and it just makes me incapable of making decisions. I do embrace reflection and re-considering and re-evaluation of decisions and actions. Obviously when it comes to things that I should confess, such as losing my temper, I do have guilt about that. But that is well placed and well earned guilt and it is about me, not about my kids. There are so many contradictory messages about what to do with ones children, that if you pay attention, you will find someone telling you that you are ruining them every day of their lives, regardless of what you are actually doing. Parenting from a place of fear ( ie guilt) is not helpful.
I think you are both right. I believe their is healthy guiltand unhealthy guilt. You both have described both types of guilt.
I think Danielle answered the the question re: bedroom arangements last week perfectly. As a mother in CA who has no choice but to have many children sharing small bedrooms, AND whose children are mostly not all sound sleepers and who are sensitive to the sleep-interruptions and deprivation, I can relate to the feeling of "guilt" and bewilderment as to what the Lord wants us to do about this basic need of our children, as well as a plethora of other anxieties due to having a large family and a home-based family and a high-needs family.
Do we all agree that "feelings" of guilt can be true callings from our Holy Spirit-filled consciences or they can be from Satan or our fallen, deformed, imbalanced selves (the flesh)? I have read many spiritual writers who have said to beware: that Satan (as well as modern living with all of its high-stress, over-stimulating and confusing messages and images) can play with our minds a little, and to be on guard, that profound anxieties and stress are not from God. If that is the case, then much of the guilt we are feeling is not necessarily authentic, and is not serving our families.
Perhaps labeling it "mother’s anxiety" as opposed to "mother’s guilt" where guilt refers to something truly spiritually helpful and from God, would eliminate the need for this discussion.
The more I read Danielle’s writing and her blog entries, the more convinced I am of the necessity of her particular apostolate, as she has a very unique charism and perspective that brings GREAT consolation and inspiration to those who are carrying similar crosses, aspiring to similar vocational lives, and just plain need comfort and reassurance in this very difficult, critical, and sometimes very hostile world.
Wow did I ramble….In other words: No, I don’t think most of the people who would be interested in reading Danielle’s blog should be paying excessive attention to it and that it indeed, can be a "temptation to despair" (beautifully put).
Genevieve, you can’t be Paigeu’s twin; the three of us have to be triplets. 🙂
My children, at the moment, have reached the age where they practically can raise themselves. My oldest is frighteningly competent in all the areas where I’m not; my second constructed a windmill out of cardboard as an assignment the other day–without my help, of course; if the poor sweet had had my help it wouldn’t have been a recognizable windmill, just a glue-sogged heap of cardboard. And even the youngest is capable of doing most things on her own.
I don’t consider ‘mother guilt’ and mother’s pangs of conscience to be the same thing, though. My conscience tells me useful things, such as how I can improve my test-grading-turnaround time, and that even though it’s April it’s NOT okay at the grades my children are in now to give up teaching, essentially, and let the kids read stories and color worksheets until the end of May.
Mother’s guilt, the way I tend to define it, just adds a heavy burden to an already heavy burden. It’s like some kind of demented goblin that turns relatively good things into things that become twisted and ugly, as we lay awake fretting about the many ways, unknown and unsuspected by ourselves, that we may be Ruining Our Children For Life.
We do strive to do the best we can. We’re going to have moments, hours, or whole days where we don’t quite manage to achieve our best, but sometimes we blame ourselves for circumstances beyond our control: if the kids are sick, for example, we might not have cooked a meal with our usual care and attention (unless you count the care and attention with which we answered the doorbell and paid the pizza delivery driver). On the other hand, if relatives are coming for dinner and we’ve bitten off a bit more than we can chew, culinarily speaking, there’s a smidgen of a chance that our usual focus on the schoolwork will be a bit lacking.
And if we’re going to let ourselves feel guilty about that sort of thing, then we might as well feel guilty for being only one person, and have done with it.
Red Cardigan: Bingo. You brought up an amazing point — which is that although our character defects sometimes cause us to wring our hands over what we can’t do well, the vaccuum is filled by a child who sees the need. I’m ghastly with paperwork and mail, and one daughter has stepped to the plate as a virtual secretary. (It may have been too many lost birthday invitations or other things she missed because of my negligence.) She is thrilled that she can be so needed, and I’m in awe that it comes so easily to her. My deficiency has actually allowed her to shine. (What will I do when she leaves for college?!)
Hmmm, that multiple birth must have been a doozy! There may even be more of us out there …
Great discussion! For many of us younger mothers in the first few years of parenting this is an important lesson. I’ve learned the hard way that too often this guilt is actually a symptom of PRIDE. For instance, I may feel guilty about not doing such and such for my kids because so and so said that this is the best thing for them. It takes humility to throw away that guilt and trust the Holy Spirit to guide my parenting actions. It takes humility to set some limits and take care of myself. It takes humility to admit that I am weak and give up perfectionism. The kind of guilt Danielle so well describes is firmly linked to pride, anxiety and despair. There are so many resources (unfortunatly even Catholic ones) inducing this pride induced guilt and I have to thank Danielle from the bottom of my heart for being humble enough to wage war on this epidemic.
Yes—amen, Carolyn. I so agree with you—so well said (and I’m not even a younger mother in the first years)! 😉 I thank her, also, for waging the war on this "epidemic"—and for her sense of humor through it all, helping me to "laugh at the time to come" (Proverbs 31:25).
Thanks everyone for the comments. I should, like paigeu, have more guilt than I do. And I do think that the needless worrying is a temptation of my pride — that it ALL depends on ME, and that without ME nothing will be right.
It has helped to have more kids (5) than I am naturally able to handle. I have to apologize over and over for my temper, my impatience, and my inattention.
My mantra is, "Jesus, I trust in You." After all, what does trust mean but to submit every last ounce of myself to His gaze, to open my grubby little hands and show him all the secret inadequacies I’ve been brooding over, and to know that He is the ONLY ONE who can make me strong, gentle, maternal, and holy. And in that trust, I can see that it does no good to feel crappy about my failures (unless they are sinful). Only He can sanctify me. Only He can save me (and my children)from myself. Certainly it requires my effort too, but ultimately my hope for doing well in anything at all rests in Him.
Whether the kids go to school or stay at home to learn, they are in His hands anyway. This knowledge is what keeps me from worrying so much, and it’s what keeps me from despairing of ever being the mother that my children deserve.
May His kingdom come! May His will be done.