A Reader Writes:
I am the mother of five: girls, ages 12, 10 and 6; and boys, ages 8 and almost 3. My husband is in the Air Force so we move every couple of years. In another month we will be picking up again and moving to another four bedroom home and my husband will be heading to Iraq for a year. I hope to have a plethora of family come in and out throughout the year to help pass the days. I long for a guest bedroom!
My 12 year old daughter has been begging for her own room. She is a responsible, mature, neat freak by nature (her two other sisters, frankly, wouldn’t mind living in squalor!). My initial thoughts are that she can have her own room when she leaves home! I think sharing a room with a sibling (or two), especially one of a different temperment, can be a good thing. The other side of me says that she is getting older and needs some space and privacy. I have told her the three of them can share a room for a few more years, with the promise that when they have a friend over or need some downtime, they can retreat to the guest room. Please relieve my mother’s guilt by sharing some thoughts.
As a mom whose kids share bedrooms and as a former room-sharer myself, I can tell you: Lose the guilt. Your decision sounds perfect to me. Having a guest bedroom with with nice bad and comfortable mattress Knoxville will best serve the needs of your family in the immediate future. Besides, your daughter will indeed benefit from the enforced sharing of space.
I do respect the fact that older children need space and privacy, but it sounds like your guest room will provide your daughter with that when she needs it. There is such a thing as too much space and privacy within a family and I think many modern American homes err on the side of separating family members, to the detriment of family relationships.
We live in a wealthy world. As a consequence, I think too many people consider giving a child his own bedroom as some kind of basic human right — an unheard of “right” in past generations! Instead, I say give your children close relationships with their siblings, teach them the fine art of compromise, and force them to recognize the fact that they are not the belly buttons of the universe by having them share living spaces.
In our house right now, in addition to our bedroom, we have a large boys’ room (with 2 sets of bunk beds), a girls’ room, and a “baby room.” The baby room holds Daniel’s crib and a queen sized bed, and it was just the thing for me and a nursing-all-night baby for the first 6 months or so after his birth. It also works well these days for older “babies” who need my attention at night without disturbing their father.
Although Daniel is beginning to sleep independently thanks to the review we read on https://sleepify.co/simba-mattress-review/ and go the right mattress for him, I do not plan to give up the spare bedroom space in order to separate our older kids. This might scandalize the “Every Child Has a Right to His Own Bedroom” crowd, but having a flexible room best serves the needs of our family right now.
What do the rest of you think? How do you handle bedrooms in your home?
Well I only have two children (a daughter 14yr and a son 13 yr) but my daughter does share her bedroom. She shares with her Nana and has since she was 5 yrs old. Most of the time she loves having Nana as her room partner. The only time she doesn’t is when Nana gets onto her about cleaning the room.
My oldest children now 18 (daughter)& 15 (son) shared a bedroom for the first 4 years of their lives when we moved and had extra bedroom we separated them. They had difficult time sleeping and wanted to be in the same room….they still have a very close relationship!!
We only have 2 boys and 2 girls so the dividing up is easy for the most part. We’ve got 3 bedrooms so the boys (10 & 12) are in one bedroom and the 7 yo girl is in another and the 23 month old baby girl is still in her crib right next to Mama & Daddy. The baby will soon move in with her sister when Mama can bear it. I have some separation issues, can you tell!?!? :o)
We actually happen to be in the market for a new home and I can honestly say that bedrooms are not the biggest concern, the bathrooms are! We are spoiled with 2 full baths and I just can’t seem to fathom the idea of ever not having that again. As far as kiddos sharing rooms, as the boys have gotten older, they’ve expressed interest in having separate rooms, though since they know it’s not an option right now, they seem to do okay with sharing. If we happen to find a house in our price range with 6 bedrooms, then great, maybe some of the kiddos will get their own. If not, then that’s okay, too. I think families can be close whether children share bedrooms or not and I think sometimes a lot of it comes down to love, caring and quality time spent together. Unfortunately I’ve seen families who have children that share rooms and aren’t very close at all, and then I look at my baby sister and I and we had separate rooms most of our lives and despite being 10 years apart in age, she is the closest person in the world to me. Sometimes kids need their own rooms, sometimes they don’t, and sometimes it just doesn’t matter because there aren’t enough bedrooms to go around! There is, however, always enough love to go around. Blessings!
We have 8 kids so SOMEBODY has got to share!! Our oldest, 18yo, has had his own room though for the past 8 years and we moved our second oldest, 16yo, into his own room (both are very small and probably wouldn’t be called ‘bedrooms’ by a realtor) a few years ago. I regret this now. He is a real loner and hides out in his room. The oldest two do not have th close relationship that the rest have. 14yo and 12yo boys share a room and are good buddies. Fourteen year old will tell me every now and then that he wishes he had his own room, but I plan to keep these two together as long as possiblee. 9yo girl has her own room – seeing she was the only girl up until a year ago. But she almost always is either sleeping in the 7yo and 4yo boys room or they are sleeping with her. Often even the 12yo will come and sleep with the 4yo who HAS to have someone sleep with him. I find the kids who share really are closer – but certainly still have their moments (sometimes hours or days). We aren’t sure what to do with 18yo bedroom when he goes to college in the fall. Maybe save it for him if/when he comes home but also make it a little refuge for the others while he is gone.
Therese
I’ve got a big girl bedroom – ages 9 and 12 – a little girl bedroom – ages 3 and 4 – and the two boys each have their own, very small rooms. The age difference – 15 and – was too large for them to overcome.
This has become quite a discussion!
Firstly, I’d like to say, Danielle, the idea of the "baby room" is wonderful! I know DH would love to get a full night’s worth of sleep in one of these days, and a "baby room" seems like a nice compromise. With only two kids (2yo and 3mo), both still need me at night (one to nurse and one to use the potty) and both will wake DH. (we currently are in a tiny 2 bedroom apt)
I grew up in somewhat of a different situation than what most commenters have: 6 bedroom homes and only 2 kids. (My family moved once and each time the house had six bedrooms.)
In the early years my sister and I shared a room. One other bedroom was for the hired hands or exchange student (we lived on dairy farms). Another bedroom was for the grandparents b/c they visited every other weekend. Another room was for another frequent guest and family friend. The sixth room was not used as a bedroom. Before my sister and I no longer shared a room, the hired hands no longer lived with us and the family friend’s weekend visits were reduced to day trips.
Sometime during the 4th grade I kicked my sister out of our bedroom because all the other kids had their own rooms and I was determined to have my own room too. My mother consented, my father did not like the idea; it happened anyway. Other commenters have attested to it and my father would whole-heartedly agree: the fact that we had separate rooms led to us not being friends as adults. We used to be very close and then our sisterly relationship deteriorated.
DH grew up with 3 brothers. He and his twin shared a room until age 12. DH will say that is when he and his twin stopped being best friends. There were incidences more often than not when they were enemies following the room separation. Today they still are not close.
Having separate rooms did not mean having electronics in our rooms. My sister and I still used our rooms for sleep or reading, but there were many nights I’d set the ringer on the base of the cordless phone to silent so I could sneak calls all night. This definately contributed to some bad behavior during high school, that if we were sharing rooms would never have happened due to lack of privacy.
I view bedrooms as for sleep or for nighttime bonding with siblings. When my sister and I would visit our cousins, we’d share bedrooms and chatter away until we passed out. Those are very fond memories. Unfortunately I don’t have any such memories with my sister, but only with my cousins.
I am good friends with a family of 14 kids. They have five bedrooms and ONE bathroom w/o a shower and they still make it work. When all 14 were still home, 5 girls shared one room. The eldest girl had her own room. The 4 oldest boys each had their own rooms and the 4 youngest boys shared one room. The girls couldn’t imagine separating. The older boys loved having their tiny rooms to listen to music or do their hobbies since there was no other space in the house to be alone, however, also being a farming family, idle time alone was hard to come by so they treasured their space of peace and quiet. Even though they had their own rooms, the kids have remained VERY close.
The biggest difference I see b/t this family and the one I grew up in is the Faith. I suspect if my own family had been practicing Catholics, things may have been different in terms of how I treated my sister and in how I abused the priviledge of having my own room.
Maurya: my DH also wants his own room! When we finally are able to build our after he finishes school, he is making sure to get a study/library for himself!
obviously, I cannot count. The family I mentioned in my previous post with 14 kids has 8 bedrooms, not 5. The single bathroom is still accurate.
Our two daughters had seperate rooms until the youngest was 4, when our son came along. Then the girls were moved together until the older daughter turned 12 (or something like that). The girls got along very well while they shared a room, but we had the chance to change a junk room into a bedroom and did so.
I’m not sure seperate bedrooms keep siblings distant from each other…but I am inclined to think it’s what they do (or have) in their bedrooms that keep them isolated. For instance, our children have books and some small toys in their rooms. They do NOT have computers, TV’s, DVD players, game boys, etc. Those are family activities and so take place in the central family area. This keeps the kids out of their rooms except for personal time…and keeps mom and dad in the know on what they’re up to!
GSK,
I’m afraid your comments lend undue credence to many unfair stereotypes about large families. You say that you have “trouble with all the talk about sharing and compromise and the virtues one learns from a large family.” But what exactly is troubling about it? Children are a gift to one another — JPII said so himself when he urged American parents to give their children the gift of more siblings. Part of that gift is the learning to share, learning to compromise, and yes the very real self sacrifice that takes place in communal living.
Yes, there’s a bit of a “this is how we do it” philosophy behind the idea of a shared bedroom policy. But it’s “this is how we do it because it’s what’s best for the family and each of us is expected to make certain sacrifices for the common good.” It’s not “this is how we do it because our children are a pack of sodas without individual needs and/or preferences.” It is without a doubt possible for parents to love children for themselves, to recognize and accommodate individual needs — even within a large family — while also emphasizing the ultimate importance of doing what’s right and making individual sacrifices for the sake of the whole. And yes, that might very well mean sharing a bedroom when you’d rather not, simply because that space is needed as a guest room for family helpers during a father’s deployment.
You say that you know of people who are not open to life as adults because of the horrors they suffered in childhood. It’s very sad that these people had such terrible parents, but bad parenting happens in families of all sizes. Ultimately, though, an unfortunate childhood is not any kind of excuse for rejecting the Truth. It’s been my experience that people who have known and subsequently rejected Catholicism’s harder teachings will make up all sorts of excuses for their behavior, none of which places the blame where it really belongs.
There’s more than enough “mother guilt” to go around among women who are making huge sacrifices to remain open to life and raise large families in the face of a contrary world. It’s unfair (and I would argue inaccurate) to add to their load by suggesting that those very sacrifices might pull their children away from the Church.
Thought this might be of interest to you concerning sharing bedrooms. Last year one of the homes featured in our community’s ‘parade of homes’ was a two million dollar (plus) three story "estate". Besides a couple guest rooms, there were three additional bedrooms: master, boys and girls. Six girls shared one room…the beds lined up against one wall, one bed and nightstand per girl, about 3 feet apart. The boys room likewise shared 4 beds. Each bedroom had its own bathroom. A small stairway coming from the kitchen had the beatitudes printed on the steps. Of course money seeming to be no object— the basement had a stage and dressing room with costumes, craft rooms, grandparents room, etc!!! Evidently this family shared your thoughts about sharing however. Sigh…it was a dream house for family in the richest sense. Some of the children stood at the door handing out copies of Pilgrims Progress in home sewen clothes. (yes, there was a beautiful sewing room also).
I’ve been mulling this topic all day long and this is what I think – I think the reader has it wrong. She sounds like she is placing her needs in front of her daughter’s. She wants the guest room so that she can have company. Her daughter would like to have her own room, and at 12, that is an age appropriate desire. I think she should give her daughter the room, suffice to say that if guests do come, she will then have to share. But, by not giving her daughter her room, she is signaling to her daughter that her extended family is more important to her than her immediate family.
We’re both Air Force retired and would love to pray for your husband if you would release his name to us. And you could keep some teens and adults having neck/skull surgery and quite a few at church suffering from cancer. Please thank your husband for serving in our now retirement years. GOd bless him and the entire family.
PJ (Mrs Patricia Jean)
USAF (Ret)
This is the perspective of an 18-year old girl. There are 6 kids in my family. I’m the oldest. For almost all of my life (except for maybe ages 6 and under), I have had my own room. And I am very glad about that! I am the kind of person who needs to have my own space to reflect and have some quiet time. I would go crazy if I had to be around my little siblings all the time! Especially since I am the oldest, and I think that’s how it is with a lot of oldest children. We need our space. It’s not always a lot of fun to be a "big kid" among a bunch of little kids. I think that sometimes sharing a room would help to foster good relationships with siblings, but other times, it might make for a rotten relationship. People need time apart from each other sometimes, and they might just end up aggravating each other if forced to share a bedroom. Some people, especially adolescents, really need a place to call their own. And it’s good for learning responsibility, too. You have to keep it clean (although, I’m still working on that one! 😉 ).
To the Anon that thinks it is not wise to place opposite sex children in the same room-I think that is sad that you feel that way. A little sister needs her big brother just as much as she needs her Dad. The way he treats her will definatlely be a contributing factor to whom she choses as a mate later in life. My son takes his role as big brother very seriously and is protective and loving of his sister-why would he not be? He is an innocent child of God, as is our daughter. It is when we let the evils of the world penetrate our ideals and thinking is when we start to let the devil into our home. Not all boys think impure thoughts-and not all girls are victims. Many of them are loving and kind to one another the way that God intended them to be. Please do not taint what God has blessed us with. I feel very sorry for your friend who was told by our man made courts that her innocent children were being compromised in some way. How awful that people can look at innocence and seek out corruption.
Hats off to Danielle for such a wonderful, articulate response to GSK 🙂
I grew up in a traditional Catholic home with only a younger sister. We had our own rooms, but begged our parents to share. They agreed just for sleeping, since I had a bunkbed. After several weeks of late night talking, playing and general horsing around, they put us back in seperate rooms. Up until my wedding, my sister still wanted to sleep in bed with me, and we always had the greatest time when allowed to do so. I think there are benefits to both. Every family is different, every child is different. I don’t think it’s a black and white issue, but should be a decision left up to the parents to decide what works best for their family. And whatever they decide should be respected by others who are not in any position to judge another family’s situation.
I do think larger families have to "think outside the box" a bit more, regarding personal space. Maybe look to the outdoors and create a secret hide-away for each child to use as they please.
In the same respect, I think smaller families have a duty to bring create oppourtunities for their kids to be together — family dinners, camping trips, etc.
With one child who still shares our bedroom, I don’t have much to add. In general, I think siblings sharing rooms is a great idea for many reasons shared below. I had two brothers 11 and 14 years older than me who share a room, and I envied them. I always had my own room. At least as a young child, I never found it much of a retreat for privacy. I found that in long walks through the woods and playing at the pond. These days, sadly, I’d be afraid to allow my child to have that privacy and independence. I often gravitated to the living room to be closer to my family.
And I would’ve loved to have been the fourth Brady daughter and share that pink bedroom with Marcia, Jan, and Cindy!
I think there have been many excellent comments, here, but I wanted to thank especially Lianna, the 18 year old young woman who added her thoughts as the oldest of six children. Very well said, and that is very much the way we’ve tried to approach the bedroom sharing with our nine children. The oldest, our daughter who is 16, has her own room, and we built a bedroom in the basement last summer for our next child, our son who is 14 and had shared with two brothers for many years. All of the other children share rooms (except the baby), and thankfully we do have a big house with 7 bedrooms now. But the oldest ones do carry a big burden in a large family, and especially if you home school, like we do, they are around each other pretty much all day, every day. The older two, who are my workhorses, truly appreciate the privilege of having their own rooms to read and reflect and rest in.
I also like the comment about "thinking outside the box" and coming up with even outdoor spaces for the kids. We are in the process of moving our horses from our neighbor’s property to our property, and are building a barn right now. We are making the hay loft extra large so that the kids can spend the night out there in the summer if they wish, and they are already plotting which cousins and friends to have over first. It is also a nice escape during the day if they need to have a little peace.
As many readers have said, I think this is an individual family issue, with individual children and different needs. There is no right or wrong answer, and often a family’s economic situation makes the decision for them – they simply can’t give individual bedrooms. You go with your gut, and prayerfully decide what is best for each child.
I’m wondering, for those with large families; & who want everyone to share all the time – space, everything, in most every way – & if that is the biggest priority for you: What kinds of things do you do to help children learn independence & separateness, as they grow older?
It strikes me that these are also very important developmental needs; the more so, the older the child. Just asking. 😉
I always envied my sisters sharing a room (they were 3 yrs apart and I was 7 & 10 yrs younger) because I saw and still see how close they were and are. I was shocked when one told me that her two boys would never share a room because she always had to and hated it. And to think all my life I was longing to have a sister close to my age that I could share a room with.
Sharing or not sharing rooms does not necessarily lead to the developing or disintegration of long-term family bonds. One of my sisters and I shared a room from the time of her birth when I was a year old until I was 13 or 14. My mother separated us, and now I cannot remember if we asked for it or she demanded it. I seem to believe that it was my mother’s idea, though. We were such a huge personality clash at that time.
Despite that much needed separation, we went on to attend the same small college (though we were never roommates). We spent weekends together constantly after college graduation, even when we lived timezones apart. While my husband was in China without me, we lived together in the same house. She still is living in that house, waiting for us.
It depends on the family. In a smallish house with one bathroom, you just might get enough lessons about family generosity that don’t necessarily need to be reinforced by room-sharing. Selfish people can still be raised living in rooms with multiple beds in them. Each family is different, as we know.
That being said, the idea of the guest room being a place where the kids can also have their sleep-overs sounds great. I never thought of that.
I think if a family tries to accommodate an older child’s need for privacy to the best they can in their circumstances, and the child still feels they must have a room of their own, that is a sense of entitlement. I feel the same if the child feels the need to have the same toys/computer games/movies (or just a lot of them) to match their friends’. Toys are great..in moderation and according to the family’s budget. A child who whines for more is getting a false sense of entitlement.
I actually am baffled at why you wouldn’t put opposite sex together up until the age of 5 or so. That’s usually the legal age when boys can’t go in the bathrooms with moms any more. Before that, I’m a bit mystified why the mix of opposite sex in rooms or bathrooms would startle people.
Consider that as you daughter grows, she will also be turning into a young woman. A thirteen(or fourteen)-year-old sharing the same room with a seven(or eight)-year-old is quite different when you daughter begins to develop into a young lady. Not only does it give the older daughter some privacy with body changes, it allows the youngest (or younger two) to remain little girls.
As another military wife with 5 kids, I can relate to the original question. I think with her husband deploying it would be good for the oldest to be with her sisters. Emotions are at full-tilt when Daddy is in harm’s way and it might not be a good idea for a pre-teen with all those emotions to be alone, breeding worry and anxiety. She needs some crazy sibling action to make the time go faster!
We are going to build our dream house up in Maine in a few years (already have the plans) with 5 bedrooms: ours, a sewing room, guest, boys, and girls. They can share a room and everything else in the house with 6 other people because it is part of being a family. Could be worse, they could be on a Navy ship, sharing a room with 60 of their closest friends!
Cris
I agree that a little sister can benefit from her big brother as much as her father but there is a time and a place. Yes I am sure that your children are in fact innocent children of God but Wake up ! It is not me tainting anything . I am just being realistic Would you let your son help your daughter in the bathroom ? How about helping her get a bath? I have older and younger brothers who I am very close to. We have never experienced anything inappropriate no even had impure thoughts toward each other but we were taught that boys and girls should have modesty. This included private bathroom visits as well as sleeping separate. You don’t even mention that your children are young. I pray that you change your mind before your children get older.
To Mary:
It does look sometimes as if sharing is our highest priority in a large family. Part of that is we often have teens and toddlers at the same time. My teens go to public school, hold down jobs, participate in after school activities that include evening competitions and performances. They stay up late and get up just in time to get ready for school.
The toddlers are up early, go to bed early, the middle kids have weekend sports, co-ops or scouts.
Every thing I do to develop the individual has to be balanced against the separation from family it creates. Its easy for a week to go by without the whole family together for an evening. Or for that day to have been a tough one for somebody.
Then there are the joys! The boys were pulling apart even though they shared a room till the younger one became interested in his brother’s wrestling. The older boy actually ended up helping the local coach and doing some of the driving for us. Now they’ll always have that.
My teen daughter loves the privacy of her own room but a couple times a week lets one of the early risers, usually the pre teen, hang out with her while she does her hair.
Its a treat. A secret.
And it will all end so soon. In 6 months my oldest will be gone and in 1 1/2 years the next one. After that the times they shared will be memories of how having siblings was good. The private times will be memories of Mom and Dad understanding them.
As in all things Catholic both are needed, like Charismatic and Contemplative, in our Domestic Churches.
My first time commenting — I love your blog, Danielle! I love it so much that it was one of my Lenten sacrifices! About bedrooms — I certainly hope that sharing a room isn’t a prerequisite to having a well-adjusted adult life, as it seems some of you are saying. We have been blessed with five children, and God has seen fit to give us (so far, anyway) one daughter and four sons. Our daughter is our oldest and, consequently, has always had her own room. She has always wanted a sister, but this is our life! The boys span many years (almost 13 down to 19 months but the baby is still with us), and they bicker at times about their "stuff" but mostly they’re fine. We have four bedrooms, but one is tiny and is the computer room.
My question that I would love to see addressed is for those of you with large families and only one full bath — that’s what we have as well (but are also blessed with a half bath) and I’m wondering how we’ll handle things as more of us have to shower daily. Right now, only three of us shower every morning. Next oldest hasn’t hit the stage quite yet where he needs a daily shower. We hope to move to a bigger home, but who knows when that will happen. How do those of you with one bathroom do it??
I am "the reader" that sent in the intial question…..I’d like to thank everyone for their input. I would also like to clarify a few things. My 12 year old has not always shared a room. She had her own room for several years before the family continued to grow and up until now when she has shared it has only been with her sister who is two years younger. The six year old girl has always shared with her eight year old brother. Now that "the baby" is three, he will move into the "boy room" and the six year old will move in with the girls. (also, all of our babies have spent their first year of life in mom and dad’s room — for midnight nursing). I am aware that sharing a room as a young child is very different than sharing one as teen — hence the urge to write to get feedback.
I would also like to graciously disagree with Jennifer who said I am putting the needs of my extended family above that of my daughter’s. With a husband that is deploying for a year, our lives will be very different. It is not my desire to always have a picture-perfect guest room, only to slight my daughter’s needs. It is, however, my desire to have a place for loved ones to come while my husband is away. What guest doesn’t feel rushed to leave, knowing they our invading someone else’s bedroom? We have lived almost all of the past 14 years in the military overseas. I, as well as the kids, can not wait to be stateside again and actually have grandparents in our home on a very regular basis. I want them to feel welcome to stay as long as they like, not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of my children who love them. My heart’s desire would be to give my daughter the world, but would that be to her benefit or the benfit or our family right now? If my husband was not deploying our situation may be very different, but given the circumstances, I think that I am warranted in wanting a guest room without that meaning I don’t care about the needs of my daughter. I also fear that if my daughter had her own room now, she may become distant, especially as she worries about her Daddy overseas (she is the resident worrier). I think it is so true that each family, each child, and each situation is unique. And just FYI, I am one of two. I grew up with only a brother and had my own room. I longed for a sister my whole life (and even ache for one now that I watch my girls interact). I couldn’t wait to get to college and get a roommate. We were opposite as night and day. Me the neat freak, her the slob. I loved every minute of it! Thanks again for all the great input!
To Michele-
In our family, those who need showers every day take them either at night or in the morning. For example, my DH takes his in the morning before leaving for work. I take mine in the morning, usually after breakfast and while the kids are cleaning up rooms and making beds. My two oldest boys(13 and 12) take their showers the night before. Someone (my 11 0r 9 year old) usually has to take my youngest(19 months) in a shower or bath after dinner. (He’s usually filthy by that time between playing outside and smearing his food all over his face, shirt, arms, legs, etc.) Because we homeschool everyone else takes a bath or shower as needed during the day. My precious I-just-turned-six year old has to have a bath every day. Not because she needs one but she loves the water! My sister-in-law has kids in Catholic school and high school. She has told me that most take showers the night before. Only her two high school kids in the morning. It can be challenging at times but everyone does manage to get clean. LOL.
Karen G….
did you tell your sister how envious you were that she and your other sister got to share a room together and you couldn’t? It might give her another insteresting perspective.
Great comments from everyone!
Although I understand the reasoning behind wanting the guest room for relatives etc., I have to agree with the commenter who gently mentioned the "body changes" etc. around that age. When we say "privacy" we’re not just talking about space to write in your diary or talk on the phone; it’s more a matter of getting dressed without your overly-inquisitive pre-teen sister commenting on underarm hair–to put it bluntly. There have also been the occasional mornings when our oldest one (just learning to handle some of the changes) woke up and there were some immediate laundry needs etc. I was glad for her that she had the privacy she needed to take care of that. I’m not sure how we’ll manage with our younger two (room-wise) as they mature, since they are also several years apart.
Mama Squirrel,
Thank you ! Sometimes bluntness is the only way to be understood ! Also no one can predict at what age these changes will occur. ( I know of one precious girl who was bombarded by these cruel changes at 8 years old) An incident like the one that you so eloquently refer to as "immediate laundry needs " could not only be embarrassing and emotionally scaring for the older child who is desperately trying to adjust but very worrisome and equally scaring for the younger child who instinctively thinks that something is terribly wrong.
In my opinion ( shared by some I see , though others seem quite upset by ) this particular situation would be a thousand times worse if witnessed by a sibling of the opposite sex , no matter how much innocent untainted family love there is .
Honestly,I think that sometimes we all see things the way that we want to see them.Getting upset by any and all who oppose our ideas. There are pros and cons to everything. In the end we have to just pray and do the best that we can.
Heather,
At this time,your need is for a guest room. I am sure that you have given this much thought and your decision is the best that you can do right now. When your husband gets back safe and sound , your situation may allow for another decision to be your best.
Thank you Danielle for a chance to put in my two cents.
I have little experience in this area, since my oldest is only 5 — I only remember that when I was growing up I desperately wished for a sister to share my bedroom with. I had shared a room with my brother until the baby, a boy, was old enough to need company at night. (My parents hoped that by sharing a room with a sibling he would stop crawling into their bed every night!) I think I was about 8 or 9 when I got my own room. It was exciting helping my grandmother paint the former nursery pink, but other than that I don’t remember feeling like I really NEEDED my own space. Granted, when I was a teenager it was nice being able to have a place to retreat to in order to restore my mood when my feathers inevitably got ruffled.
What I plan to do for our two girls is have them share a room — even a bed. Gasp! Radical! They currently share a double-sized mattress, and get along well enough. Often when I check on them at night they’ll be sleeping with their arms linked or be snuggling nose to nose. (Of course, other times one will be on the extreme edge of one side of the bed, while the other has her pillow over her head.) Their personalities are so different that I’m hoping the forced sharing of sleep space at night will encourage them to get along during the day.
However, I’m also a firm believer in taking some "peaceful time", as my daughter calls it, when necessary. I haven’t done this yet, but I plan to get something like one of those froofy net canopies to hang in their room, put some pillows under it, and designate that the privacy corner, so that when one of them needs to "get away" she has a place to retreat to. I’m hoping that teaching our children to respect each family member’s need for privacy will foster peace in our family life.
My daughter has fully gone through puberty at age 11. I was inclined to have kept parts of that private from the younger sisters, but 11 year olds aren’t very good at handling this privately. I’m not sure private rooms would have solved it. Though, it doesn’t help that our family shares 1170 square feet. With some reservation, I found myself explaining puberty to the 5 and 7 year olds; hair, blood and all. Doesn’t seem so far removed from explaining childbirth. I never gave detailed descriptions of childbirth, but even the 5 yr. old figured out that blood was involved. I am all for keeping things as modest and private as I can, but I have found that healthy families naturally work these things out in their own ways. I have found by experience that exposure to puberty by young girls at home is the exact right place. They they handled the facts of life in stride with my guidance and reassurance. They might even be better prepared than my older daughter was when it is their turn. Keeping them young in other areas, like what they might see on T.V. or even computer would be the arena that worries me.
Diane and Mama Squirrel, while I understand your reasonings for the oldest having their own room, I just thought I’d point something out. Having your own room by no means excludes other siblings from "your business" or noticing changes. As I mentioned below, I had my own room growing up, by my sister still knew about my "immediate laundry needs", new upper-underwears, etc. She even announced them to our violin teacher during one of our lessons, much to my embarressment 🙂 Nothing like a little dose of humility, right? 😉
To Mary B:
Thank you very much for sharing your perspective with me! I can feel the warmth & love in the tone of your share, & can understand what you mean. In particular, I can understand better now what you said here:
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Your description of the ages of your children, how their schedules vary and how their out-of-home needs synch or do not, makes this very clear for me; and I thank you.
Two things have befuddled me about large families, & I am glad to be able to get some clarity – so I again thank you. 🙂 One is: since it has been nearly impossible to get to know a person from a large family very well (much less become close friends), even with 10 years of Catholic school; I have wondered “why” that is.
The large families I have seen or witnessed, both in childhood and as an adult (like in our parish, our RCIA director is a woman with 8 grown children) have appeared to be very “ingrown”, from my perspective. It seems that their members have no need of other people(?) I’m motivated to say this because it has saddened me that it is so very difficult to “break into” a large family, even to make a friend! So I’ve missed that, quite frankly. 😉
And, when Danielle says many people have misconceptions about large families – well, from my perspective – it is very easy to see why this is so. The ones I have known have been so self-sufficient, taking care of their members, playing or dealing with each other almost exclusively round-the-clock, that it has not been very possible to know any of them on much more than a superficial level! And that makes me sad. 🙂
So perhaps you can see now why I asked about the “balance”, in large families – particularly homeschooling ones – between putting the family interests first; and nurturing and encouraging the needed separateness & independence of children as they grow up. From a perspective that is different from what I think large families tend to see, it can appear “selfish” to “outsiders”, to continue to “overly” (very subjective here 😉 encourage family relationships, or the interests of family – and especially so as a person gets near their teens. I say all of this in the kindest & gentlest possible manner. I think large families may not, sometimes, know how this feels or seems to others…
The youngster & others outside their family need to be able to deal with each other more, I think! Plus, some of us “out here” would like to know kids from large families ~ even in adulthood, in the workplace! So it would seem that some preparation is needed perhaps. 🙂 And it would seem that wishing one’s own room, or a space & time of one’s own, is certainly a part of growing up – of becoming separate, independent, in what can be the best possible way (depending on the youngster, of course 😉
The other thing I’ve been saddened by & have not understood, is that it has seemed from workplace experiences I’ve had, that individuals from large families don’t “bond” all that well with others in the workplace. Everything continues to be about, or done with, their family of origin. Please don’t misunderstand: I am all for family! What I’ve not understood very well is this insulation that seems to drive others away; and that large families can seem to encourage.
Those of us from smaller families would like to get to know you better! I’m reading this blog because you have a unique perspective, and I share most of your values. I think you, Mary B, said the same thing I was TRYING to say; but you said it better than I ever could:
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Yes! I agree 100%. And this is why I wondered about separateness seeming not to be encouraged as children grow older, in large families. I think, personally, that a tad more of it *could* be of benefit, both to a child in/from a large family, as well as to others of us who do not understand, but who admire & respect you; and who would like to have the chance to know you better. 🙂
Again, many thanks for your lovely & thoughtful share, Mary B. I appreciate you!
WHOA Ladies! This conversation has gone COMPLETELY off course. Jabs and saracasm have not been lost on many of the recent responses. Heather, the original author of the question, has already responded, clarified her situation and thanked everyone for their responses. Now the responses are becoming inappropriate and bordering hurtful. The question was put out there so as to be helpful to a fellow Mom, not to vent your stereotypes. Heather, God Bless you and your family and the sacrifices your husband makes so that we are able to continue with our American freedoms. Enjoy all your visits from your family and welcome back stateside 🙂
We officially have three boys (8,5, and 3) in one room, the 1 year old girl in the nursery, the parents in the master and a guest bedroom which actually has many functions. [Officially, because there this year it’s pretty rare that everyone sleeps through the night in his or her own assigned bed.]
1) Guest room. Guests come every two-three months and stay three days – 1 week, so guest room is probably its least used function.
2) Home office. DH hides in there with laptop when working from home during the day (there’s a baby lock so kids can’t get in if the door is closed although if in they’re in the can get out). The wireless connection is weakest there, but it’s the only place we leave him alone. Actually we might have guests more often than he does this – depends on the weather.
3) Sewing room. I have all my sewing stuff in there. I only get to it at nap time or when the kids are done, but if necessary I can leave things out and close the door.
4) Time-out room. When kids misbehave, they are sent to the guest room until they are ready to behave, not to their own room with toys.
5) Away space. The kids are not allowed to look each other out of the shared room, but they can go into the guest room and shut the door if they want to be undisturbed. Sometimes two go in there – that I keep an eye on because I don’t want them excluding a sibling, but certainly allowed occasionally, esp if a younger sibling has been repeatedly messing up their game.
6) Another bedroom for parents. Sometimes my husband snores. Also between our room and the guest room, we can have mommy and nursing baby in one room and daddy in another so everyone gets more sleep, esp. with a newborn or when he’s working strange hours. Currently the 3 year old is going through a stage where wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to sleep with his daddy. The toddler still wakes up a couple of hours before getting up time but is (usually) willing to nurse back to sleep. We do not have room for 2 adults and 2 children in our bed, so we end up with various combinations in the two beds.
7) Another bedroom for kids. Sometimes two or three of the boys want to sleep in the guest room. Sometimes one will want to sleep in a room with no one else. If no one else is using it they can. Occasionally, when they absolutely refuse to settle down and go to sleep, we separate them, pref with the heaviest in his own bed and the lightest in ours (the middle in the guest room), and then empty our bed of kids when we want to go to bed.
Right now we have more flexibility from this arrangement than from any other I can think of. Arrangements may change as family size does or as people age and their needs change.
The oldest two started sharing when the younger was a toddler because every time the toddler went to bed they fought over which toys would be in which room. Sharing a room has been very good for my oldest.
As for privacy: When I shared a room with my sister in our tweens and teens, we each changed clothes in the bathroom alone. We were just far enough apart in age to always be in different schools while sharing a room and so on different schedules so this was also a courtesy to keep from waking her.
Marie
I grew up in a large, happy Catholic family. I have a great relationship with my parents and brothers & sisters. However, I have struggled greatly with my fear of having a large family of my own. I think what it really comes down to is that I want a different life for my children than I did growing up. I’m not knocking large families at all. I have a lot of respect for couples that take on the responsibility of having a large number of children. But maybe those of us who have lived it once, don’t have the need or desire to repeat it? Does that make sense?
Oops – for Mary B:
I’m sorry that your quotes did not show up in my response to you! I hadn’t realized that putting brackets around them would wipe them out. 🙂 Anyway, where the single bracket is, for these 2 quotes, should have been the beginning of my relating to what you had said. Here they are:
1. "Every thing I do to develop the individual has to be balanced against the separation from family it creates."
2. "As in all things Catholic both are needed, like Charismatic and Contemplative, in our Domestic Churches."
Again I thank you for responding! I understand what you are saying, &, in the spirit of understanding large families now, as well as sharing my own limited perspective (we all are limited in what we can ‘see’, aren’t we? ;-), I am grateful. 😉 That is a blessing, Mary B, & thanks so much!
Just clarifying:
There have been no jabs and no sarcasm here that I can see. Mary’s quoted text did not show up in her post responding to Mary B. and that might have led to some confusion. But I think Mary truly is being kind to Mary B. and truly is appreciative of her response. No drama from what I can tell. But please do correct me if I am wrong (especially you Mary!) in my assessment.
Oh! Many words can see now about simple question to room of child. Every mama has idea of this thing, maybe most other thing too. Maybe best just ask husband.
Mary,
I really appreciated reading your insight ans experience. It gave me much to think about. I don’t think there was any sarcasm in your post at all. I think it is a very realistic post.
As someone who desperately needs personal space I cherished my own bedroom growing up. My older sisters shared a room and it rough going for them with their different personalities. I can’t really say that sharing helped them grow closer.
The good thing about God is that he is not limited. Our kids can grow up to be loving, close and sacrificing whether they share a room or not. Whether they are homeschooled or public schooled, whether they have 12 siblings or none.
We are all unique and the way God unfolds in our family life will all be different. There is not one blueprint that will work for everyone. I always enjoy reading so many perspectives to see where I can use them or add to my family life as we seek to live in God’s presence.
I know this seems to be straying off topic a bit, but Mary was asking about large families and not seeming to be able to get to know the members very well. We have nine kids, and the only person that is so busy that her social life is lacking is ME! 🙂 We do home school, but my teens (16, 14, 13) have quite a social life, especially now that the 16 year old can drive the others to youth group, serving at our parish Fish Fry, out to Wal Mart, and just to get togethers at another friends home. Though some of our kids share rooms and have large family commitments, they sure don’t have a lack of friends and time to become very close friends with some of them. I wouldn’t describe our kids as "ingrown" at all. Close to each other, yes, but also close to many others.
For me though, as the mother, I do think that I had MUCH more time in the first 10 years of our marriage to be making new friends and doing more things outside the home. I think a season of life can hit though, where the mom is neck deep in her responsibilities, and for a time, isn’t able to make many new friends, or become deeper friends than an acquaintance. I have many strong friendships with women who have been a part of my life for 10-20 years, and derive great support from them. And I also meet new women frequently at various places – our home school group, the park/pool/library, and I am usually interested in them and engage in real conversation. Most of them end up as acquaintances, though……mostly because when a woman already has nine children (many still young), home schooling, a home and husband to care for, and a group of friends she has had for many years, well, there just isn’t enough time to be a close friend to everyone. I do make time to go out with or have phone conversations with my close friends, but again, time is very limited during this season of life. The desire is there – to be a friend to everyone – but the time is not right now.
So maybe that is why it has been hard for you as an adult to get to know well another adult who is the mother of a large family. She may just be neck deep in her work and having to focus most of her energies on her family and established friendships for this season.
And my apologies to Margaret about going off course or off topic. I do look at these comment times, though, as more of a discussion and time to kick around ideas. You know women – we stray from the original topic all the time! 🙂 I trust that Danielle will correct us or redirect us if she cares to – it’s her space.
For Danielle, Paula M & Teresa,
Danielle, my heavens, you are right: the question that you posed simply got me thinking about children, how they grow up & therefore need separateness (via their own room or not! I agree 100% on that 😉 & why the adults I’ve known who came from large families have seemed to be so very hard to know.
I really was reflecting on the question, more, of how (from my perspective, of having grown up in a smaller family with more built-in opportunities for privacy & separateness – again, from my point of view only) parents in a large family could, at age 12, encourage this at the same time as, of course, honoring family properly. This was what took me off into making my comments – again, from a point of view that I see as being *only different* – not right or wrong – & sharing them with a genuinely caring & questioning attitude.
I had no bad intentions in posting thusly; and in fact am quite embarrassed that my posts may have caused some pain(?) There were no jabs or sarcasm intended by me, for ANYONE here! I do apologize if some have felt that way. I would only say that perhaps there are always people on this blog – with a bit different perspective – who genuinely do want to understand & to share. Please do take what you like & leave the rest. 🙂
Paula M, thank you for sharing that the experience & possibly the insights I have, have given you some things to ponder. That is lovely to know; and please be assured that you, too, give me a lot to ponder! And I agree that Our Lord is greater and more all-encompassing of ALL of these questions, than we can ever know. 🙂
Teresa, I am delighted that your children are out with friends & that they do have separateness from the family to whatever extent they need, as they have grown older. I did not want to say that *every* person from a large family – or every large family – has the kind of limitation or difficulty that I described, & that I perhaps may have seen. So please know I am glad for your family, & glad to know that what I have seen is not the "only" way kids grow up, when 1 of 9 in a loving family. 😉
Regarding your being so busy at this season of life, and having friendships from the past as well as not – it is true – having time or need, necessarily, for more with new people: I understood that entirely! Oh my, it would be crazy to expect it to be *otherwise* for you!! Yikes.
The people about whom I was trying to write are adults now, but they are people who GREW UP IN large families. They are to be found in workplaces, at church, at the university & in life generally. My observation of how their lives seem to revolve around their families of origin, and how that can *seem excluding* to others, was not really about the ‘Mom of large family’ question…
It was, far more, meant as a reflection on how children FROM large families, LATER ON integrate into life with others in other situations. I just thought I had seen a pattern with SOME, in that: IF adults from such families are so hard to get to know, & seem so "exclusive", even in workplaces; well, perhaps there may be something that could be learned, on behalf of a 12 year old girl who wants increased separateness today.
I do apologize to All, my intentions are very good, I have learned a lot & I thank you ALL a LOT! And I am embarrassed here, so will fall silent now. 😉 Thanks again so much, Danielle!
I deleted the most recent comment because I am not inclined for this to become a "I once knew a large family who did such-and-such a bad thing" kind of discussion. I think enough has been said on this topic (and all of its tangents) for this week, so I am closing comments here. More discussion next week!