I have a 14 month old and a 3 and a half year old, and I have just about given up on sitting through Mass with my husband on Sundays. I was just wondering if you had any tricks up your sleeve apart from the usual Cheerios scheme to keep young toddlers occupied and–somewhat–quiet during that hour. Any tricks you may have accumulated over the years would certainly be appreciated! How do you enjoy Mass as a family with a squirmy toddler?
While we’ve certainly talked about this before, it’s a subject that comes up so often that I think we should do it again. If you follow the link, you can find my more detailed thoughts on bringing kids to Mass, but here I’ll just share three main bits of advice for parents of young children:
1. Sit up front.
It might sound crazy, but small children tend to behave better when they can see what’s going on at the altar and not just the backs of people’s heads.
2. Don’t reward bad behavior.
I’ve been guilty of this more times than I care to remember. If your child’s throwing of the hymnal and screeching at the top of his lungs is immediately rewarded by a joyful trip to the back of the church where he can run to his heart’s desire, take a bath in the holy water, and investigate the potted plants, he will remember that next time he feels trapped in the pew.
3. Remember you don’t have to.
As much as I advocate attending Mass as a family, there have been times in our family where it just didn’t make sense. Sometimes a mom just needs an hour of peaceful prayer in her week. There’s nothing wrong with that. You and your husband could attend separate Masses or you could hire a sitter on Sunday mornings or Saturday evenings. Someday your toddler will outgrow that really difficult phase and you can go back to Mass as a family.
I’m sure others have additional thoughts and experiences to share.
My children had always been taken to church we began as Church of England, thats the church my husband and I were brought up in and later at a little Baptist chapel Sunday school (it was within 2 minitues walk of my house) we found all the advice about books, drinks and colouring in stuff worked sometimes, but mostly it helps if the congregation like children!My Parish priest doesnt mind a bit having little ones joining in and we all thank God that their familys bring them.We have been Catholics now for 13 years, and only my daughter (our baby!) aged 18 comes to mass with us now, my 2 boys and my one boy who died had stopped going to mass , but our sons wonderfull funeral mass was a huge comfort to us all and i hope they will return to the church one day.But when they were teenagers having them bicker was worse than when they were little ones, for us it was more difficult taking 4 teenagers!!
I have found that if you go to daily Mass where there are only sweet senior citizens and you sit in the front pew, it gets your toddler used to the Mass and the priest and the rules of engagement. Sunday Mass is much more tolerable when you "practice" during the week… and those sweet little senior citizens do not look at you and gasp when you spank your little one right there in the front pew-they give you the understanding "you should have done that 20 minutes ago" look.
I also prefer to call the cry room the training room. I do not let my toddler run about and yell and scream. We still have to kneel and sit and say the prayers like the big people in the big part of the church do. It helps…
Here’s some things we have done over the years:
1. Sit as close to the front as physically possible
2. Attend daily Mass- utilizing it’s shorter format as a training ground
3. No food
4. Stay after and have some practice time if necessary (just one parent and the child- not as a punishment time, but rather as a gentle reminder of how we act in the Lord’s presence)
5. Practice time at home sitting still, kneeling, standing, facing forward, whatever the problem may be during Mass- age approriate time limits, of course. I think practice time after Mass, in Church is more appropriate if at all possible.
6. From the time my wee ones were old enough to understand, and probably even before, at the moment of Consecration I will whisper in their ear "Look! It’s Jesus’s Body" or "See, Father is holding up the Precious Blood of Jesus" or something like that. They learn to listen and watch for the Elevation and the sound of the bells and really look forward to it. My 2 year old turns to me at Consecration now and says it to me. It’s quite beautiful… and she "gets" it.
7. Play with their fingers- sound stupid I know, but it works wonders and can buy you those precious minutes you need to keep sanity intact. Extend their little fingers out and slowly fold each one in until they have a closed fist. Unfold them, one by one. Repeat on other hand. Let them use your hands and do it themselves. Seriously, I’ve had kids who do this through the entire 20+ minute homily. I’ve even had a child "fold fingers" herself to sleep. It’s quiet and you never forget your fingers…
8. As a general rule of thumb, we hold our children until they are 3 years old. Yes, it’s challenging when you have a 2 1/2 year old, a 1 year old and a pregnant tummy, but it can be done. It teaches them that it’s not play time or jungle gym time.
9. I have a friend who took a bunch of the nice, laminated holy cards, punched a hole in the corner and put them all on a ring. This is her child’s only church "toy".
10. Ignore people who don’t understand. All that matters is that you are there to do God’s Will.
11. Have an unannounced, surprise stop at the donut shop or convenience store on the way home for treats for those who acted approriately in Mass (or keep a little treat/gift stash at home). Even a 3 year old can learn to appreciate the consequences with that one.
12. Above all, keep your patience and shower a little extra affection on your kids when you feel like spanking their little rears instead. Mass is the most beautiful prayer on earth and I think it speaks volumes to our kids if they can see us transformed from the usual Raging Banshee Woman…if only for that 1 hour a week. Say a prayer to the Holy Spirit for strength and guidance and muster up all the self control you can to be joyful instead of frustrated and stressed out.
In my humble opinion, I think it is of utmost importance to attend Mass as a family unless someone is contagiously ill. By "split-shifting", I think that it send the message to kids that Mass needs to be convenient for you, which isn’t the message you want them to remember when faced with the option to skip later in life. Yes, you may feel like you didn’t get a thing out of it. If you really feel that you need that hour to yourself….attend later or earlier by yourself in addition, but not at the expense of attending as a family. Just my 2 cents….
I haven’t read the other comments yet so forgive me if this has been said. But the Color Wonder markers are great. I xerox religious pictures onto their special paper and bring a few markers and a couple sheets of paper for the littles. But it is a challenge every week witha 16 month and VERY active 4yo. But these are number 7 and 8 in our family and I’ve been doing the church with littles thing for 18 years. It doesn’t get easier but I have become more resigned to that is how it is in the training years. And my skin is a little thicker too – not getting QUITE as distressed over what others might be thinking. I do remove my little distractions when necessary but have learned to not let them be moved to a mroe fun situation.
Theresia
Mass is such a special thing that, for my kids, it’s considered a "big kid" thing to do and so the little ones have to wait their turn. I agree that we can’t expect young children to behave like older children, so in our family you don’t get to go to mass with us until your are at least 4 and you’ve proven that you can be quiet.
I have to be honest: I love this. There is no way I’d ever go back to trying what we used to do, which is take everyone. You just don’t have to take a 2 year old to mass. They aren’t receiving communion and they disturb people more often than not. We either do shifts or we hire a babysitter.
Mass is not kid-friendly; it’s foremost for those who are seriously engaged with receiving Christ in the Eucharist. And once I set it up so that it’s something that the "big" kids do, it’s looked upon as a great honor. And the end result is that we never, ever have a problem with loud, misbehaving little ones. That’s very good for us and very charitable for our pew neighbors.
I don’t have much to add to the excellent comments here. But today I found this story about how one five year old was able to experience Jesus in the Eucharist. This amazing story is well worth the time it takes to read and will inspire any parent despairing at their squirmy toddlers.
Read it here.
Dear Danielle,
The little ones have little prayer books and rosaries
to handle while at mass and everybody is expected to behave
(with my stern look) now and then or a smile and my kids
behave. The seemed to understand that this one hour at mass is very important we do one hour a week, " we go to
mass to say "Thank You"
All the 7 children are married now and have their
families!
We really believe in going to Mass as a family as often as possible. Our 5th and 6th are 18 month old twins and this has been our greatest challenge. When they get too active I take them out to the lobby for awhile. Sadly we are the largest family at our church. We think that our presence sends a pro-life, pro-family message. We have had many opportunities to share the churches teachings on openness to new life. People love to see the kids each week. It will all pass by so quickly. Don’t miss the chance to witness to others through your actions.
I’m a single Mum and I take my now 8 year old son to weekly mass unless we are ill. It was interesting this last year because we attended a different church for my son’s holy communion prepartion, due to extended family reasons. Neither my son nor I was particularly happy with it – the service was loud, overly long and chatty. My son is naturally gentle and contemplative and we have always loved going to a mass later in the day where he gets to take part in the whole mass (no kids’ club or cry room) and if he has any questions, he gets to ask me. As parents we have a primary responsibility in our child’s faith formation.
I agree with those who take all the practical precautions – feed them before you go to avoid ‘I’m hungry/when will this be over?’ etc 🙂 ; take religious books with you (my son had a great first missal with cool cartoons and the mass set out in it even before he could properly read, for him to follow and a kids prayer book); ‘reward’ with giving the collection money / lighting candles. But my main advice would be this: don’t underestimate your child(ren). My son has a real gift of faith for which I am very grateful and which is all his own. (He even listens to the short homilies better than me!). I also insist that he prays when he enters church and after communion – to say hello to Jesus who loves us. I let him see an adult (me) praying and taking mass seriously in the hopes that he will too. I also give him a lot of love and affection – mass is a good place to be. So far I have not been disappointed. For my own reflection, I pray and read the daily readings during the week. God is good. He knows we parents have limited time. Good luck to all of you who have more than one child! I know it is probably easier for me because I only have one to think about! I always try to encourage the families in our church with a smile or nod. Try not to care what disapproving people think.
Being late into this discussion, I have read the comments with some feedback to share.
I have physical limitations currently that prevent me from holding my one-year-old (who weighs 25 pounds) throughout the entire mass. My husband is not Catholic and does not attend mass. My family does not live near enough (the closest are my parents, three hours away) to assist me during mass. There is no cry room at our church. The nursery is only available during one mass and I was told by more than one mother that unless you have a child who can reasonably be separated from you without screaming the whole time, he or she is not permitted. A solution one other mom and I in a similar situation have recently come upon was to bring our little ones in their strollers and sit out in the vestibule where we can still hear mass but our children are safely strapped in (since we are physically unable to restrain them)and remove them only to go up and receive communion. I attend an older parish both in congregants and also in structural age. The sound system in the sanctuary is less than perfect and I have experienced where one loudly talking toddler (not screaming but talking) drowned out the priest over the sound system. The main point is find what works best for your family and do it. And please reserve judgment on others. Until you can see into their hearts as Jesus does, you have no way of knowing their intentions.