From an email I sent to my sister just last weekend:
Right now I would just settle for five straight minutes of the kids not arguing with one another. The rain doesn’t help I suppose. Do your kids fight? Please tell me your kids fight.
She responded with her typical words of wisdom, but I am greedy. I want yours too. So now that you know my kids really do bicker and sometimes drive me crazy with their incessant argue-argue-arguing over every-every-everything (some days more than others, of course) what do you say?
How do you handle kids and bickering? Do you banish them to separate rooms? Do you make them write essays extolling one another’s virtues? Do you assign them cooperative chores that they must complete together? Share! Or at least just admit that your kids do it (or did it). I am not too proud to admit that I would find some comfort in knowing that too.
Danielle,
Yes, mine argue and yes, it’s exasperating. Today, around 3:15pm, I made the older two clean out the van together…after taking everything out, one vaccuumed and one "detailed." Things went well after that…but I find that they arguing makes me very weary.
I have tried at dinner to have everyone name three nice things about each other…and everyone has to do it. I’ve also tried this with gratitude….naming 3 things you’re grateful for….
Better run…someone has a tummy ache…
Sigh. Doesn’t every mother struggle with this one? Is it me or does this happen ESPECIALLY when mommy has SO much to do? Lately I have been trying to emphasize to the children that #1)Jesus was silent in the face of his accusers and #2)Prvbs 15:1 "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger". Let’s face it, it takes heroic effort not to respond to a taunting remark, an annoying gesture. Sometimes I must look in the mirror and confess that I am hardly the poster child for genteel, soft and silent responses. However, we continue to work on these things together. I keep reminding my children to answer softly in the face of unjust anger from a sibling, or do not answer at all when the vicious cycle of "did not, did too" begins. Much easier said than done, especially with little ones. Perhaps with older children you could make this a focus during the day, just one thing that we are all going to try really hard to do today – kind of like a particular examen. Hope this helps!
Some days I handle it better than others. Today was not my best effort. Dh was very late getting home, I was tired and sick of listening to the snarky voices and bickering, so I sent the two oldest (the instigators) to their rooms until their father got home. Once he got home, he put them to bed, and I baked some brownies. I should have had chocolate available much earlier in the day…that was probably where I went wrong.
I have been known to make them sit in a circle, hold hands, and sing "KumBaYah". They start the song all frowning at one another, but by the end of the song they are all laughing — and the vein in my forehead has receded. The first time I made them do this they all looked at me like I had lost my mind, which at that point in the day, I probably had….
Oh yes, they fight. Sometimes (when possible) I make them take their argument somewhere that I can’t hear it. Usually I refuse to get involved (and they DO try to drag me in) unless it gets physical (we have big age gaps here) or name-calling happens. I don’t tolerate name-calling. At that point they have to start doing something nice for the person they offended.
Bickering sends me over the edge faster than anything. My boys know they can’t hit each other, but the relentless, non-stop squabbling over the three-year-old Happy Meal toy that has somehow has become the most valued possession in the house, this I find harder to deal with than out-and-out warfare.
"Shepherding a Child’s Heart" is a book that recommends using these moments to speak to the issue of "doing unto others as you would have them do to you." The author talks about our tendency to ask "Who had it first?", which he sees as going against Gospel values. Of course screaming at your kids does too.
A priest once told me, "It’s so wonderful that you have so many opportunities to choose to be holy each day!" I thought, "That’s the problem!" If the bickering or other issue surfaced three times a week, I could ready myself to deal with it in a holier manner. It’s the constancy that beats you down.
Danielle,
Yes, your kids are normal. My girls are 18 and 16 now and they’ve done their share of bickering and even a few physical fights even with just the two. The most memorable was fighting over an imagery stick at the beginning of the car ride home from Florida to Ohio. They didn’t seem to think my suggestion to imagine another one was a valid idea. When they were old enough, I would have them go to confession if it was a particularly bad week or incident. If it’s just bickering I tried to ignore it, if it was bad I would punish it usually with them having to do the another ones chores or losing some privilege, something like that. You could remind them that you will tell stories about their behavior that they will find embarassing later. My older daughter begged me to stop sharing these at the homeschool graduation party last week.
Ahhh fighting! I always loved children and wanted a large family, but this is the issue that makes me question my sanity in this area. I agree it is the constancy of it that gets to you, and it seems to get worse with each additional child because there is always someone fighting over something. I have tried (for my sanity) to ignore it until it gets physical, but I have discovered with 5, 4, and almost 2 year old boys EVERYTHING gets physical in a matter of seconds without my intervention. With another boy due any day now, I have to admit my concern is how much MORE fighting there will be when he starts to care about things in his life.
That ranting aside, I have started to discover that separation really does work pretty well. In addition, if I have to step in and separate, I decide what they are to do. On my nice days, I assign who plays with what. On my "I’m losing my mind days" (aka yesterday) I had the 5 and 4 year old dusting in separate rooms.
Whenever this topic comes up, I really like to think of Dr. Ray’s comment that the sibling bond can bend nearly in half before it breaks – it reassures me!
Of course my kids bicker and argue! It’s one of their hobbies!
Sometimes I just send them outside to continue—I say my ears are tired of listening to those kinds of voices and I say it with a smile, (extremely important) and tell them they are "allowed" back inside when they are done. As I live in Western Washington where it rains like it did for you last week, I find that the arguments are often short-lived…..
When I used to teach 4th and 5th grade and some of the kids would "get into it" and complain that someone said something they were mad about, I would look at them very seriously, eye-to-eye, and state, "Yes, I TOLD them to say that". Of course, I never did, but they got the idea that it was silly/meaningless/not as important as they made the comment out to be. I would not recommend this for the very young as they may miss the sarcasm…..
If things get physical, they are separated to another room because they "forgot" how important their brother or sister is. A timer is set (10-15 minutes) and they owe an apology after we talk about expected behavior. In addition to that, because they have hurt someone, they need to play with, draw a picture for, create a snack for or just be very kind and loving toward that person for the next while as reparation for the negative behavior. (The injured gets to pick)
Thanks for starting this thread! I’m looking forward to gathering even more great parenting strategies!
Good morning all ! I "count" mine ( from 1-2-3 Magic ), then at "3", they go to work. Physical work, and most of the time, dirty work like garbage, compost, bathrooms, dog yard. My children are boys 11, 8, 2 and a 4 year old girl. After a good hour, we do something together that usually involves eating chocolate and an honest conversation with their thoughts and mine ( lots of "I feel" messages and no meanness ! ).
I have four children and as they get older, I thought it would get better. Silly me. As I keep reminding myself when my sister and brother who are in their 50’s get together and bicker, why should my children be any different? Oh well, such is life. When the bickering at my house or in the car gets really bad–I make them say a rosary together. I figure only the Good Lord can take care of them at that point. Of course, He takes care of us every day and in every way but bickering I think He is tired of too!
when my kids fight I banish them to seperate rooms. Usually I send the oldest away because my philosophy is he is older and more mature and should be able to nip these arguments in the bud before they get out of hand. If the middle is fighting with the youngest I send the middle away to his room.
Our older two, did not fight until about a year ago or so but then they were only 3 and 6 then. And I had never uttered the stupid comment that I was lucky because they got along so well and rarely bugged each other. I no sooner said that magical little phrase when they turned a year older and suddenly everything became a competition. Someday, I’ll learn…
The only way I can diffuse the bickering when it really gets going full steam is to re-engage them in seperate activities for awhile. I do require apologies when one or the other has been particularly obnoxious to the other.
Parents often differ in their methods to stop bickering. I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s, was raised by my grandparents. Grandmother would send my brother and me outside to "cut a switch"…and you had better not bring back a small, wimpy one! The trip outside was sheer torture, just the anticipation of the stinging switch on the legs was worse than the switching itself. I actually only remember once that I really "got the switch." The fear of it usually stopped all bickering. My grandfather never raised a hand to me…all he had to do was point his finger at me and I would stop…fear and respect!
With my own daughters and now my grandchildren, I used Granddaddy’s finger method…do not have to say anything, just point and frown. Of course, I have to admit, being a grandparent (10) is much easier than being a parent to 2 daughters.
I wish I had an answer for you Danielle! I’ve found that it’s gotten worse with the bickering as the children have gotten older (11, 9, 6 & 4). Sometimes I long for those crazy days when I had three under the age of four! However, I do have some strategies besides separation. I try to have each child have some time with a friend, either at our house or at a friend’s house. I think my children get on eachother’s nerves when they are around eachother too much. Sometimes having another child or two in the house helps keep the peace. I also try to keep them active in after school activities and such so they have some time to do their own thing, make new friends and develop new skills and hobbies. When it gets really bad, I usually start praying for patience and it passes.
Oh thank God it’s NOT just mine!I was beginning to think I was the worst HSing mom in the world. I have no real answers for you, because if I did, mine wouldn’t be fighting. I have a rule, "If it’s not broke, bleeding, on fire or otherwise life threatening, I do NOT want to be informed." We don’t do name calling, and if it gets physical it’s right into time out and if it continues they start losing privileges. I also make them give a sign of peace/hug when things calm down. We do the whoe, "Who made him? Are you treating God’s creation this way? Is this how Jesus wants us to be?" Yada yada.
I agree with whoever said that about chances to practice being holy…it’s the constancy that wears you down.
The worst I have heard between the two boys (now 9 and 5) is: "STOP breathing by me!"
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone!
Tracy
We are a homeschooling family with 6 kids ages 1-11. At our house, it tends to be one or two who are more prone to being cranky. We often pull the "offender(s)" aside, and have a discussion about how we feel when we are having a bad day and how it’s times like this that we need to try extra hard to be charitable. My husband does a good job at putting the bickerers together to gently work it out on the bench. Personally, I get too frustrated when I try so I separate them, talk them each, and then suggest separate activities. I try to remind myself that even adults have bad/cranky days and they need to learn to deal with it charitably.
If it has gotten to the point where I can no longer discipline calmly I will banish ages 4 and up to the yard/basement for a looooong time as Mommy needs a timeout or she will lose her patience{start screaming}. Then they either unite against mean old mom or else keep fighting where I don’t have to hear it! (They are all very spirited and confident children so I don’t worry about lasting damage to their pysches.)
If I am able to speak calmly I remind them that they have lost the privelege of being together as a family for a certain length of time. And since their actions have been dirty/sinful, through physically cleaning they are reminded with their bodies what needs to happen in their souls. They go to the bathroom first(hah! no excuses to leave their spot!) and then must stay in a seperate room cleaning. (I have plenty of dirty rooms at all times!) If they have an immediate change of heart it should only take them 30 minutes. If they are stubborn/prideful it has taken 1.5 days. Of course this is all followed up with a fun family event-making homemade pizzas, board games, watching homemade family movies,etc..
A dramatic day often cuts down on bickering for another two weeks and only a reminder/look is necessary. Of course then the cycle begins again.
For spots of bickering the two children are placed in a room together and must both come out smiling/friends. I then work through the issue with them- what could have been said instead, how else could you have communicated your feelings, etc…I really emphaisize how it takes two people to fight. If someone is being mean or unreasonable, don’t let them win 🙂 by replying back.
My 2.5 and 4 year old girls’ fighting/arguing is the hardest thing for me to deal with because it seems like a constant "battle". Now that their baby brother can walk and gets into "their stuff" it is even harder. We take away anything they are fighting over and use the phrase, "People are more important than things", which I picked up from a friend. I try to deal with the resultant temper tantrums consistently with timeout until they’ve calmed down + a minute per year of age.
Also, we pray in the morning "…help me to use my words and actions to show my love for You today." and at night "I’m sorry for all the times I did not use my words and actions to show my love for You today." During the day it seems like I am constantly reminding them (prior to an escalation)…"Do those words/actions show your love for Jesus?" The repetitious phrases helps me because they are consistent responses that reduce the number of times a day I’ll "lose it".
As with everything parenting related…we’ve learned there are no magic bullets. We just pray for the grace to do the best we can and keep planting seeds…maybe one day they’ll get it.
I have 8 children aged 16 years to 9 months. Sure they bicker but my rule is that if they cannot speak to one another without bickering they cannot speak to one another! Silence. Blessed, blessed silence. It usually doesn’t last long but it does stop the bickering!
A word of consolation, I grew up the oldest of 9. We fought horribly and acted like we hated each other. Now we are all very close.
I don’t have any kids of my own, but I grew up with three siblings. Whenever we were to share a candy bar or other treat, one person would split it in two, the other would get to pick which half he or she wanted.
I am expecting my first now but came from a family of four with three younger brothers. My father had an ingenious way of handling my brothers when they would fight with one another. We had a huge wood pile for the winter and they would have to work together to move it from one area on the property to another. Not only did it wear them out, they really had no idea why they were fighting in the first place.
For grandchildren, my grandfather (my dad’s dad no less) used to make us sit next to each other until we were glad we had a brother or sister. He started this because he was the only boy with several sisters and wanted nothing more than a brother. He expanded it to include the girls as he realized fairly late in his life that he was glad to have his sisters.
When my kids where young and bickering escalated, I used the thinking chair. Each child would be sent to a thinking chair for a couple minutes, then they would have to tell me what they had done and only what they had done, not what their sibbing had done. Sentences had to start with I not he/she. (I hit Mark, or I took the toy away from Matt)if they started the sentence with he/she we would have to think for another minute, it usually took a few tries since they always wanted to blame the other. This made them take responsibility for their own actions. For every action there is a reaction and they both had a part in what happened. We would then talk about the incident and come up with better ways to handle it. It also helped them understand each others feelings. Since no one liked the thinking chair, after a while I would just have to mention it and things would calm down. My kids were all pretty young when we started this.
Oh yes, my six kids bicker—in our household, the boys, who are older and very close in age, are the worst, both with each other and with their younger sisters. When the older two are out of the house, it’s amazing how much quieter and more peaceful it is around here!
When my kids are bickering, I tell them "Bickering kids are bored kids, and bored kids need chores to do", and I start assigning chores in a hurry. This does sometimes seem to head it off at the pass, but it’s not a magic bullet all the time.
In the car, I’ve had to use the shrieking banshee approach a few times; when I get to that point, the kids KNOW they’d better keep their mouths shut, and I then can enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet while I drive them to school 🙂
One thing I’ve always been tempted to try is subjecting THEM to the same treatment so that they could get a feel for what it’s like to be around that kind of fighting all the time. I HAVE threatened to start bickering with my husband and keep it going for a whole day just so that the kids could see what it’s like 🙂 But my husband and I don’t bicker naturallly (thank goodness!) so it would take a HUGE effort to do this for more than a couple minutes, and I get exhausted just thinking about it. It would be educational for the kids, though! I remember reading once in a parenting magazine about a family that was having problems with their 3 teenage kids using bad language, and they had tried EVERYTHING to clean up their potty mouths. One evening, in exasperation, the parents decided to subject them to the same treatment and started using offensive language every other word (as in "pass the blanking potatoes") at the dinner table, and the kids were HORRIFIED, and by the end of dinner begged their parents to stop. The parents never had to deal with much bad language from the kids after that. I thought, how ingenious!!!
Variety of methods of madness…
In the car, drive to a church, leave kids in car, and pour my heart out to Our Lord. Return….kids are very improved.
SEven kind deeds to the person you were mean too….like, put their clothes away, make a bed…etc….we are to forgive seven times seventy, so…
Stand on the chair and sprinkle holy water on the whole lot of them and tell Satan to get out…by the end we all realize how silly we are being.
Then the usuals….chores, pray, discipline, seperate into rooms….but as a mom of four teens…in kinda stays with you..sorry
My children are now 19, 22, and 25, the girl in the middle. I don’t remember what else I did but I do know that I used to tell them that they needed to be nice to each other because someday they would be best friends.
They are now and that phrase is something they have as one of those "words of wisdom" tape loops that runs through their heads. My daughter still has a tendency to irritation with her brothers but they are patient with her most of the time.
We just spent an enjoyable weekend together. It’s really great when they grow up and you can see the fruit of all your efforts, whatever they were!
I would make my children wash windows. I had the cleanest windows around. They would make faces at each other, with one on each side, and always wound up laughing and giggling. My children are older now and are very close.
Yes, my kids bickered, too and I resorted to anything I could think of at the moment. Frequently, it was "now say 10 nice things about your brother/sister or "if you can’t find something better to do, I will find a chore for you to do." After some thought,today (I am now 80 years old) I thought why not have them apologise to the poor souls in purgatory that they were sorry they weren’t practicing kind acts to get them out of that terrible place.
Article on Catholic Exchange today for more ideas:
"Decreasing Sibling Rivalry" by Mary Lou Rosien
My Dad is 2nd of 7 and I am 1st of 8. So there are only 4 years between his baby sister and myself. A couple years ago all of us were talking about how many fights we had with our siblings and she commented she thought I never fought with my siblings. She couldn’t understand how we were all so perfect. Of course the ride to her house each Sunday was ‘ You be on your best behavior at Memere’s or else!!’ My Aunt only saw us trying to avoid the worst punishment we could imagine. Is the moral to always be on the way somewhere important?
The Toy fight: Our friend Paul used to take the toy, look it over carefully and announce that it must bebroken because its causing a fight instead of fun. Then he would put it up high to ‘fix’ later.
Appologies: Please don’t skip the part where the injured party says’I forgive’ We had problems with kids saying ‘Its OK’ when really it is not OK to hit.
As the oldest: Don’t forget to correct the little ones. They often learn to get what they want by quiet instigation. They learn how to push the older ones’ buttons until the oldest yells, gets punished and has to appologize. Always assume you only heard half the argument. I told my kids I will not solve their disbutes because I will never know the whole story and couldn’t possibly solve it fairly.
Girls vs boys: Girls must learn not to subject the world to their moods before puberty hits. This means Mom has to learn the rule first!
Dear Danielle, Hang in there. They do outgrow it. My five were always bickering about who did what to whom. Then suddenly they are all married and the best of friends. They even go on vacations together.
First of all, I should not be writing this right now, as someone is coming to look at the house in an hour or so. This "house-for-sale while you’re living in it" stuff is for the birds. That, along with having to relocate, doesn’t make my kids any less "bickery". 🙂
I see there are lots of comments and I didn’t read them yet, so you can see if I’m repeating anything already said. As an "older mother" (ouch that makes me feel old), I want to say that I have two kids who did NOT get along well AT ALL as they were growing up. Now that they are 18 and almost 24, they DO! So there is hope. The biggest thing is that, now, somehow, they respect each other. I always said, through all the years, that they cared about each other’s welfare, even though they did not get along. Now, that is combined with a mutual respect and an effort to get along. I still wouldn’t suggest they live together. LOL. But they haven’t been scarred for life.
I met a doctor once who did seem to be "scarred for life" in his relationship with his brothers. He was the youngest, and said with resentment that his two older brothers beat him up on a regular basis as a child. If I had one bit of advice for people it would be not to permit physical fighting between siblings. That – by the way – doesn’t mean that it never happens, only that it’s not allowed. Kind of like the commandments. God gives us rules and we break them, but hey, He loves us enough to give us the rules and keep reminding us of them, right?
1)As a mother of grown children all out of the house it seems like my children did not bicker. I think that means in time you will forget what is happening now.
2)But a change in attitude might make a difference. A priest once told me that anything that takes away the Peace in our heart or our home is a matter for confession. Bickering is a sin! If treated in the same way as cheating, kicking one another, stealing, telling lies,the outcome could be different. Do your children spit in each others faces, throw food around the kitchen, kick the dog? Why not? Once bickering is put into the same catagory of unacceptable behavior, than the journey to curb it becomes easier.What did you do to establish boundaries in other areas as unacceptable? Establish and identify the ideal and then aim for it. Any step toward the ideal is better than no step at all. Francis de Sales said to overcome a vice, stop focusing on the vice and strengthen the opposing virtue.
When my grandkids argue or fight. I ask them what would jesus do ? it usually gets them to quit.
try it.
Love
Josephine
Have you tried a good set of ear plugs???
I can’t help you, but maybe this site can. It is drray.com. He also has a program on Relevant Radio on Tues., Wed., and Thurs. 11am – 1pm. cdt. He is fantastic!
He will make you laugh – that’s a promise.
Enjoy your writing very much. It makes me smile. Thank you.
Marie
When any of our 13 were bickering or "name calling" or otherwise loudly conversing when they were not supposed to be doing so — we would sometimes make them hug and kiss each other and say "I’m sorry" (which really didn’t go over too big with the boys !) OR, I would say, "If you have nothing better to do, the cellar (or garage) needs cleaned." That was also real popular !! Sometimes, it was necessary to listen and see what they were fighting about & then offer solutions – for our own sanity… But, there was always so much to do, I can’t remember them having that much time to bicker – or am I just wishful thinking???
Okay, Danielle-I have 8 siblings-one brother went to heaven 2 days after he was born in ’68: that is another story-My Mother was on a bed of ice, in a coma and they thought she would not live-she is 79 now.
Of my remaining 1 Sister and 6 brothers-O did we argue! About everything! One brother said that it could be one person saying the table was blue and another saying it was green. Arguing is okay-I am 48 and feeling fine! The brothers I have that are married are good husbands and fathers. My youngest living brother-so far a bachelor-helps my Mother so much! He practically does all the cooking on holidays. Hang in there. P.S.: My Mother goes, and went, to Mass everyday! She says she is still here on earth to pray for her children. Oh, my Father could stop an argument with a look.
Sorry Danielle, my son is 24 and still bickers!!! He, his wife and two boys live with me and they all BICKER!! As blessings would have it, I’m going to Hawaii for 3 months to visit a friend. I MAY NEVER COME BACK! LOL
I remember when I was a child the two fighting had to sit in a child and hold hands and our mother usually invited the neighbor children in to see why we couldn’t play I grew up before tv my own they lost the fun priviledge for the day
Danielle,
My daughters are now 31, 30 and 27. The 30 yr old always told me she wanted only sons because her and her sisters always bickered. (Funny how I can’t remember them doing that) Anyway, the oldest two both have two boys now. (The other one is not married) The one who thought boys never bickered is always asking me what she can do to make her sons like each other better (ages 6 and 3) The older ones sons are soon to be 2 and 4 and are also starting to bicker. I of course have no answers because it is something I forgot. When I am watching the little ones,I tell them it must be time for a nap or at least quiet time in their room. That really works for me because they want no part of a nap or quiet time. My daughters are not the best of friends to this day because the middle one always said the older one was "bossy" Now they are both saying that about their older boys.
I’m a mother of 6, ages 14 through 26. When the two oldest were about 7 and 8, they started to bicker like crazy! Apart from the usual attempts (I read some of the other comments) to keep the peace – I threatened to do one of two things:
1) lock them up together in a bedroom for however long it took for them to learn to be friends, or
2) send one of them back to the Philippines.
I don’t think we would ever have done the 2nd, but they could never be sure I wouldn’t have gotten fed up enough to do that. I do think the first threat worked, at least to stop the bickering for a while, and after a while they would forget what they were bickering about. 🙂
I also remember telling them that one day they would be best friends, and getting looks from them that said "no way!" As they grew up, they did become best friends. This doesn’t mean that they get along perfectly (because they don’t), but they have learned to give one another space when they start getting on each other’s nerves.
The 2nd & 3rd (btw, they’re 5 girls & a boy, in that order) have always been best of friends. They are 2 years apart, but growing up they used to act almost like twins. They didn’t bicker much (or at least I don’t remember them doing so). The 2 youngest had the hardest time getting along (from the stories I’ve heard, this isn’t unusual); our son is rather laid back (effect of being the only boy among girls, or something inherited from my hubby?), but our youngest girl is feisty (this I definitely attribute to her being the youngest girl, esp. since there is a gap of 4 years between her the sister before her, and her brother tended to snuggle up more with the older girls than she did). She would come to me and ask why she had to have a brother for her "partner". After agreeing that it was rather hard, compared to her sisters, I would tell her that one day they would be best friends. Again that horrified, unbelieving look. Today, they are 14 and 16, and good friends. Where he used to be a chatterbox like his sisters, our son is in that teen stage where boys have little to say to adults (one word replies, thoough occasionally, he does open up and I hold my breath listening to him, hoping that each time it will last a little longer), I hear the two of them talking, talking, talking – and I smile and say to myself "I told you so!"
Our kids are very close to each other, and that has been a blessing in many ways – we know that if someone has problems and won’t come to us with it, she or he always has their siblings to run to for advice and comfort, and I’m confident that if the problem were serious, one or more of them would tell us.
As one of the other Moms said – they do grow out of it – listen and learn from your kids, and they’ll learn to do likewise.
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