A Reader Writes:
I often hear women who have large families talk about getting help around the house, and I was just wondering what sort of “help” people get. I have all small children now (5, 3, & 1), and our homeschooling is still in the really informal stages, but I already struggle with getting everything done and still having time to do things with the kids. I have tried teenaged girls as mother’s helpers, but it just never worked out – I found that I wasn’t comfortable asking them to do the things I really needed help with (house work, laundry, cooking, etc). I have tried cleaning ladies, but it was just not a good fit with personalities. My husband keeps telling me to “get some help!” but I can’t figure out how to go about it. I have to admit that I get a little tired of reading books/articles/advice about having your older kids help out. I don’t have any older kids! I know someday I will be the one telling younger moms that it gets easier, but I really need advice for right now.
I’m just going to hazard a little bit of a guess here. Are you, by any chance, a … perfectionist? About your housekeeping? About your parenting? About your kids’ schooling (which in my humble opinion you should not be doing in any formal kind of way really at all yet)?
I can feel the frustration in your words. I can feel it and I know it because I have been there myself. I won’t tell you that things will be easier when your kids are older. Of course it’s true, but I think you’ve heard that enough by now. You want to know about how to handle the right now. And, if you will listen to me, I will tell you how:
Let it go.
Accept the fact that this passing season of your life is a uniquely challenging one. One in which your house might never be cleaned according to your standards. One in which your days will be a hazy blur of endless cleaning up, disciplining, changing diapers, reading Curious George, and then cleaning up again. One in which you will collapse exhausted in your bed at the end of the day and wonder “Who am I and what on earth did I accomplish today?”
But if you can accept it for what it is — if you can let it all go for just a minute — you will see: This is a beautiful time too. A fleeting time. And it is a gift. It is a lovely time of freedom and of completely losing yourself to the world of wooden puzzles and coloring pages and picture books that will never come again. Is your bathroom wiped down and your laundry caught up enough to meet health code standards? Do you give your kids hugs and kisses, do you read aloud to them every day? Are they building with blocks and counting the number of cups of flour they dump into the mixing bowl for the muffins you are baking?
Yes? Then good for you. You are a good mom. And you are doing an outstanding job. And as for the rest of it?
Let it go.
Hire a helper if you want to. Hire a professional helper if you want to. But your satisfaction in these things will hinge on one thing: Do you accept this season in your life for what it is? Do you recognize that your challenging circumstances are temporary — that today is not forever? Do you embrace this moment — this very moment of your motherhood that will never come again — and accept it for what it is? Perfectly impossible, perfectly grueling, and perfectly sweet in its simplicity?
I wish that for you. And for every young mother who struggles as you do. It does get easier. But does it get sweeter? Does it get simpler? I don’t think so. It’s just hard to see that from the trenches.
Danielle hit the nail on the head, of course. I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 1 year old, and I took a picture of my laundry (clean, luckily) piled on my couch this evening, because I think it was a record. I would LOVE to have time to organize, clean, and do everything that needs to get done. I have good intentions, but then, things come up, like naps that require me to put the baby *back* to sleep twice. Or weepy preschoolers. Or hour-long baths, because they’re having that much fun. Or it’s a lovely day, so we go outside for an hour and a half, ignoring the mountain of laundry.
But one thing I’ve found helps is try to do 1 chore a day. Assign a chore a day and do it. 15 minutes. Then you get the most horrific stuff taken care of, and the rest helps you with your humility.
We’re supposed to add to this?
Great answer, Danielle!
I totally believe in no husband-bashing, but I noticed that her husband is telling her to get some help. It could very well be that HE is the perfectionist. I’ve lived that. I’m afraid my advice, therefore, is one-sided: get some kind of help for his sake, so at least he knows that you care what he says; find the balance between letting him into your confidence and protecting him from your complaining about how hard it is; and pray (especially to St. Martha, St. Monica, and St. Rita) if you’re pretty sure he’s being unreasonable. Once you’ve done that, it might be easier to Danielle’s advice and embrace this moment. I know that when the housework looms and your own "honey-do" list grows rather than shrinks, it may be hard even to think about baking muffins or reading aloud. But remember, that’s the important stuff.
Get a cleaning service to come in at least every 2 weeks. I also agree with Danielle that you should not be spending a whole lot of time with schooling yet. I am a Kindergarten teacher who feels that kids need to be kids. Dont’ spend more than 2 hours a day on school for your 5 year old. Integrate into your regular day. And take Danielle’s advice. LET IT GO! I’ll pray for you. I remember being in that situation at one time. It isnt’ easy.
I think Danielle’s answer is perfect, and would just add that I have a mother’s helper for my 2 1/2 year old and 1 1/2 year old (and a baby due very soon). You mentioned that it was uncomfortable asking your mother’s helper to do housework, and I feel the same way. Mine is 13 and comes over twice a week and while she is here, she plays with the children. That gives me a chance to make dinner, or fold laundry, etc. It is nice for my little ones to have someone new to play with since they are with me all day, and I have time to collect my thoughts. So it may help if you have a mother’s helper, to let her entertain the children and you do the housework. But I agree totally that a large part is letting go. I’m going to print out Danielle’s response and refer back to it when I need a reminder to cherish this time. God bless you and I’ll be praying for you!
OK, I am a perfectionist… married to another perfectionist. I feel for you. I suggest you get a cleaning lady and when you hire her, give her a list as you walk her through your house of the things that you and your husband expect–hey, you are paying for her services! When she comes… leave the house! Go the park, go to Target, go anywhere but in the house where you can watch her clean. My husband checks the top of the fridge each time to see if there is dust there (I just crack open a beer and let him fret about the dust-I don’t have time for fridge dust, and neither do you!) Also, little ones are great at doing 5-minute fix-ups. Before lunch and before dinner we do this-set the timer and run through the house straightening up. Yes, you are doing most of the picking up… but the little ones will eventually get used to this fun cleaning whirl and help out. Also… some may not agree to this, but I keep my sanity by only allowing toys in certain rooms of the house. Their bedroom, and the family room. That way your kitchen, living room, your bedroom and so on can remain clutter free. I am strict with toys-they are only allowed in their rooms and the kid’s play room right now. They play constantly and it is easier to clean up just a couple of rooms than the entire house. Also-buy paper products. No more glasses or plates you need to wash~lunch clean up will be fast and then you can get on with your day.
Eventually your husband will find an area that he will stake out as his own (mine has the garage and the shed, and they are cleaner and more organized than the house!) the amazing thing about children is that they soften us… and that is a good thing!
You can do it! Just go scream in your pillow and cry in the shower and have a cocktail when they are asleep… and don’t forget to pray that you all survive another day!
God Bless!!!
I have only one little one, and life’s duties are still manageable. But I love Danielle’s advice, because it still applies. There’s always a temptation to do something more “productive” than attending to and playing with the children.
And it’s reassuring since there’s no way we could justify paying anyone to help us out with our budget!
Oh boy, what mom with ANY ammount of children could have written your post! I have 5dc and one is a little baby. This year has been the most overwhelming for me because of the whole crazy package of serious homeschooling, constantly trashed house, and having to cook all the time.
God keeps saying lay it down for love of me- it is sooooo hard! I am NOT a perfectionist, but I would like to see the floor some day; hee, hee. I know these small folks (9,7,5,2, and 5mos) will be all grown up in the blink of an eye. I want to love my children like Mary, who annointed Jesus’s feet with costly ointment- she didn’t count the cost!
Most days I fail, so I fuss and get worked up about the state of the house… So, on the practical level here is what I try to do:
1. be mindful- we serve God, husband, children, then house.
2. don’t make more work for yourself. Plan ahead, try to know what you are going to have/make for meals, put a short video on when you need to cook, or purge a bedroom 😉
3. Do NOT put crazy expectaions on your shoulders- find your bare minimum of house work and then go one step lower hee hee
4. tie the children "helping" with clean up to right before meals when YOU can help them. They will get used to doing it and in about two more years will be able to do it by themselves.
5. If it gets really bad LOCK up the toys/crafts. Only allow one thing/set out at a time.
6. get a cleaning lady you can trust and leave the house so she can clean. I love/hate having someone come in once a week. I have her do the things I am NOT getting to- floors, dusting, bathrooms, and changing sheets. It is a great comfort to know that these things get done at least once a week! Let your pride go, you don’t have to clean for the cleaning lady, just tidy up.
7. consider a sitter. Go out once a week just you and do your errands, you will be a nicer mommy.
*disclaimer not all of above suggestions is something we can all do or feel comfortable with or will work for your family. Keep praying and God will show you what to do!
God Bless!
This is all so great. I can’t complain right now–due with #5 any second–5 girlfriends came over this weekend and cleaned/decluttered/orginized my home! They have done this before (last time before #4). I tell them I’ll just keep having babies to get my house cleaned every 2 or 3 years! HAHAHA!
A Mothers Rule of Life has helped me a lot–though I’m still working on the implimentation. . .it helps with perspective–as does Danielle’s post!
Boy, do I know where you are coming from! We have six children 9,7,6,4,1, 5 weeks and no money for helpers. My husband and I are both perfectionists, but with six children we had to learn to let go of our ideas of a perfectly clean house with everything in order. (I used to wipe down all the baseboards in our house every week before the kids came along – wow, I had way too much time on my hands.) Anyway, after 9 years of struggling with this, my husband and I have finally agreed on a new motto, "Clean-er". Now we tidy up and make things cleaner. I figure if things keep getting cleaner, someday my house will be clean. Danielle’s advice of letting it go is the only way to keep your sanity. I know. Pray about it, it helps.
My husband is far better at organizing, cleaning etc. He’s also better at having fun with the kids. He’s patient with me but certainly has been frustrated. I tend to clean things very well- then when it gets dirty again I don’t bother with it for a while. Or I do something more productive– like sewing that has a finished product at the end I can see and feel and keep.
Some things I’ve done:
Clean only 3 times a day in bursts. Just after Breakfast we clean enough to sweep downstairs. (Then they do school or play upstairs.)
Just before lunch we clean up school enough to eat at the table, then after we clean up lunch they play outside. (Then I tuck little ones while big ones do more school)
Just before Dad comes home we do a quick pick up of the rooms that matter to him, and set table. This might be the entrance, living room, my room if there if still a pile of laundry there whatever makes coming home to us easier.
After dinner if you start tubs and stories quick enough they don’t have time to make a mess.
I’ve said it before: pack up a box of things you hate cleaning. Dust collectors, small toys, anything, either save it or give it away. Its amazing how clean a place looks when there is less stuff. Need an incentive? Pack one box every fasting day, or everytime there is a fire in your community. (If you wouldn’t run back in the burning house to save it- you don’t need it.)
For Mother’s Day ask for something that helps keep the house clean. One year my husband filled the dirt path into the house with a brick path! It was amazing how much less dirt came in the house. Last year we worked on our porch and he covered it in astro turf. again it stops all the dirt from getting in.
Simplify the wardrobes. Jeans and polo’s Jumpers with polo’s or Tnecks. Hooks for the Jeans or Jumpers to hang on to wear again: Its only going to get dirty again!
I know sometimes a batch a day keeps the laundry monster away and allows you to have fewer clothes and dressers and neater closets. ( I can’t do that now that mine are old enough to have opinions about the clothes)
A tough one to learn is that it does not have to be cleaned the way you clean to get rid of the dirt. I wash floors with a sponge mop and just enough water to do the job, I don’t want to get puddles. My husband had done National Guard that made them SOAK the floor with a rag mop. Drove me crazy. I was sure the cellar would flood, it didn’t!
Danielle is really smart, sounds just like my closest sister, and she’s right, "Let Go" and I’d add "Let God!"
I have one who is nine months and expecting number 2 in September. Most days, our house is a wreck. While obviously I’m not doing much schooling aside from reading aloud, I understand where this writer is coming from. I have two dogs who can track anything imaginable into our house and who unmake beds (beds in our house have stopped being made up as a result) and generally help the mess get bigger. The last huge cleaning we had was when my daughter was born and my parents came and stayed with me. We don’t have the finances for a housekeeper and mother’s helpers in my area are in short supply. My husband and I try to set realistic goals for big projects (like cleaning out closets) and we are realistic when it comes to not keeping up. We have a wonderful unspoken agreement to help pick up the slack for each other like for example, if I am exhausted from being pregnant and entertaining the baby, he will vaccuum and wipe down the kitchen. I was hardly ever a house keeping perfectionist, but my husband was, and he has learned how to offer up his slightly unclean home for the blessings we do have. And remember, sometimes you have to take a day off. A day just at the park or a museum or the library with the kids. You’ll be amazed how it helps your mental outlook.
THANK YOU! for being so honest about your question and Danielle, thank you for being so honest with your answer. Your answer is not an easy one to digest. I have many little ones under 6 and I am not a perfectionist. What I do strive for is order. Order helps all of us and when I am way deep in disorder, I lash out on others.
I will share a blessing with you….
WE prayed a novena with specific things we wanted and NEEDED in a "helper" adn 1/2 way through, each and every one of these needs were met. WHY?
B/c we had complete recourse, complettre surrender, complete trust, complete belief that OUR LORD WOULD ANSWER OUR NEED!
IT became so difficult. It became a source of stress, a source of conflict, anger, etc… and we knew this is not what God intended. SO, we relied on how generosity can play a huge part in helping us. We knew there would come a time when things started to come together.
okay, so my kids are close in age, many of them, and this is no small task. Our helper, we belive, is truly an angel.
So, my advice is that…..trust, seek, believe and surrender….keep praying…persisting!
GOd bless you!!!!
Don’t ever expect your whole house to be clean at the same moment, or even the same day. My children are 10,8,6,4, and 2. They help so much now, but 5 years ago…that was a different story. I would just make sure I cleaned one room a day. It was vacuumed and picked up and I kept the kids out of it until my husband came home. Then we could relish in our ONE clean room. It was satisfying enough to keep going.
I don’t think anyone has answered the reader’s question. That is, simply, how do you find really good help? The answer is, quite simply is to first decide what is it that you need help with. Do you want babysitting help, household help or just plain help with the laundry. Do you want someone to take the children to the park so that you can have a little time by yourself at home? Do you need someone to run to the store and pick up some milk for you? Do you want someone to come a few hours each week at a set time so that you can go out and run errands? Then start by asking everyone you know if they know anybody who is available. If that doesn’t lead to anything, call a reputable nanny/housekeeping agency. Interview the prospective nannies yourself. Trust your judgment. One of the best things about an agency is that you will have a grace period to decide if the person is working out or not. They will also run a background check as well.
I don’t think it helps to tell someone that she shouldn’t worry about the state of her house, or the state of her marriage, that "this to shall pass" and "embrace in God’s love". That is condecending. If her husband wants her to get help, then by all means she should. If they can afford it, lucky them. I’ve done it both ways, and it is a lot nicer to have some back up help and a happy home than to be all stressed out, exhausted and yelling at your children and demanding your husband to do household work when he should be out working.
I had a wonderful nanny for five years, she helped me raise my four children and I appreciated her every single day that she showed up on time and helped me with my children. They adored her, and I was grateful that the Lord sent her into my life and my family benefitted tremendously.
Life is not perfect, and there are horrible nannies out there, but there are also wonderful, loving & helpful nannies out there to. The Lord will send someone to you, but it’s up to you to find her.
Jennifer, I am so with you! I agree completely and I can add: whether it’s an au pair, a full-fledged nanny, a somewhat regularly-scheduled baby-sitter, life is better with the help than without it. I’ve had the best results with 1) an elderly woman (Sometimes, their own kids grow up and move away…they are used to being mothers and would love a chance to make a few bucks and be around kids again for a few hours a week) and 2) an au pair, even if it’s just while she’s on school break temporarily.
It has helped our family in so many ways. We’re calmer, happier, far less stressed and I still work hard but I’m not over-worked 24/7. I (eventually) found out when to be humble enough to ask for help. I cannot do it all myself and I’m no longer ashamed of that. Life is better now.
Your children are a gift from God; your house is not. Your children will grow up so quickly, and you will yearn for these days. I know you are very frustrated now, but some things have to be put aside for the more precious moments. Just do what you can and try not to let others dictate on how your house should look or about your piles of laundry, etc…motherhood is a very important job. Good luck and God bless you. Patty
Jennifer says:
"I don’t think it helps to tell someone that she shouldn’t worry about the state of her house, or the state of her marriage, that "this to shall pass" and "embrace in God’s love". That is condecending. If her husband wants her to get help, then by all means she should. If they can afford it, lucky them."
I don’t think anyone is saying those things. And definitely no one is saying you shouldn’t get help. The point is that even with help, the only-preschoolers years are crazy ones. They just are. It sounds like the reader who sent the original question tried help and rejected it for various reasons — probably more because it wasn’t solving the "craziness" of preschool years than anything else. Getting help is great, but telling someone with only little kids to let go of worry about the state of her house (within reason) is not condescending. It’s reasonable and sane advice.
This could have been my post! Why? Two reasons: 1-b/c my kids are the exact same ages as yours. 2- I’ve always wondered this exact same thing and the logistics of it seem to prevent it. And then I realized what kind of help I need most for my particular personality to feel refreshed: time alone in the house. Not time alone out of the house, although that is refreshing in a different sort of way. If you think you might be like me then you are a step ahead of me b/c your dh recognizes your need for help. Maybe he can take the kids out for Saturday morning and get them lunch, too, before coming home? Now that would seem overwhelming to my dh so I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a babysitter to go out with him. I mention this just in case you feel as I do…if you don’t then disregard!! 🙂
Other than that…. I’ve been blessed lately with a change of heart that I’d prayed for. Namely, a desire and longing to spend my time with my kids on their level and place the housework around them instead of vice versa. This peace has been a true answered prayer and I went through a months’ long dark period before arriving here. Practically speaking, though, I do one chore a day M-S. I try to remember that I am working as for the Lord, and not as for men. And I try to keep a mindframe of forward motion and try not to wait impatiently for "my time"…. My 5 yo has recently turned into this little person that helps when asked… and that’s been like a light at the end of tunnel for me…understanding what other moms have said about thing getting easier as your oldest ones get older.
Actually, Danielle addresses this general idea of "Housework Burnout" in the chapter by the same name in her new book. I think she really dealt with the practical in her suggestions: doing basic maintenance to keep things from getting out of control; letting your kids help (even preschoolers can do simple tasks–my two and three year olds put all the shoes away *and for a family of 8 just doing that can be a really big help in clutter control*, put their toys away-with guidance, or help "clean" tables, desks, chairs, etc…; and finally, what I think is her best advice–pick your battles! Decide which things really are your priorities. If your not sure, pray about it.
For me, as clutter mounts so does my irritability. So, what do I stay on top of most? Clutter. But for someone else, clean floors, no dishes in the sink or having all the beds made might be most important. And this benefits my whole family. There is truth to the old adage, ‘if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy’.
Also, one thing that works well for me is making multiple meals at one time and freezing them. There is a great book, called Once a Month Cooking, which gives the full scoop on how to effectively use this method. I was given this book when I was a young-er mom with many little ones by my mother-in-law, who has 11, with my husband being her oldest and the youngest as old as my second.
I’ll be praying for you. God bless!
Part of why I avoided the ‘get help’ question is that my first solution to my frustrations was to put my first 2 kids in day care. I was really down on myself, (probably post partum depression.)
Yes it gave some sanity to our family for a while. But I still had to deal with why I as a person was not accepting this stage of life God gave me. After a year my job just wasn’t covering the cost and I had to stay home rather than spend money on daycare and a second car. So now I was even more isolated.
Sometimes we are in the situation we are in because God wants to teach us something. Something He thinks we will learn best, or faster in this way.
I had to learn that my children need me even though I’m not good at this Mom stuff. I had to learn that I need them more than they’ll ever know. My mother inlaw had to learn the children would love her without owning 26 dolls and every Lego collection. I had to remember I could have a picture of the ‘event’ without saving every ticket, corsage, clipping, dress, shoe etc….
My husband had to learn what it is to live in a house with little ones, something he’d never done. And had to learn how he could help in ways that encouraged me, rather than adding to my frustrations.
We all did learn these things. I don’t think it would have happened so soon if I hadn’t accepted that in spite of being the oldest of eight I did not know it all. I had to learn how to learn. (maybe thats why we homeschool?)
In the Organized Homemaker the author suggests that when we are frustrated in our life we spend a week writing down each frustrating thing and asking ‘Why’ ….till it becomes nausiating.
Why are the scissors never where I left them?
Why can’t I find this?
Why does everyone drop their junk here?
Why won’t the kids do _____? Why is our schedule for Wed. so hard?
Then find a solution. (Extra scissors, labeling, basket to catch at the entrance, canceling one outing, training time etc…)
Its not enough to have help when you aren’t sure what is making life crazy.
This is why I’m a firm believer in getting rid of things that drive you crazy (not the kids!)
If you pack it in a box, tape it shut, label it, and don’t see any need for it a year just give it a way. If you find yourself taking the time to search for it in less than a month and giving it a proper place in your home then it has earned the effort to keep it clean and maintained so you will find the time and energy to do that.
Moving was a big revelation in this area. My Crystal was important but we had no place for it. It stayed packed for 2 years. No one minded using the glass coffee mugs for wine if they came. When I had a new place to put them they were a joy to take out, use, even dust sometimes. While the children were little they just were not worth my time and effort. And it only took 2 years, not ten.
I think in trying to understand who our husband really is and trying to be his ‘helpmeet’ we grow as a person, we learn about our children’s personality and we take our marraige more seriously.
I haven’t read the other comments yet, but I wanted to give my two cents, b/c I know EXACTLY where you are coming from! I have a 5 1/2 year old, an almost 4 year old, a just 2 year old, and I’m pregnant with number 4. I have realized recently that yes, I am a perfectionist, but more of the "if I can’t do it perfectly, then I won’t do it at all" type of perfectionist. That being said, I can’t function when the house looks like a tornado just went through. The kids can’t, either– how are they supposed to play with those wonderful puzzles if they can’t find floor space to do it!? This is what I started doing, and its working: lead a crusade against the clutter in your home. I’m talking cutthroat decluttering here. Do not keep things you really don’t use, or things you feel guilty about getting rid of, or clothes you’d love to fit back into, but just aren’t there yet– get rid of the excess. I keep remembering– someone else NEEDS this stuff– I’m just hanging on to it. If you seriously pare down all the extra stuff, it is so much eaiser to put things away. Then, every morning and before bedtime, do a quick cleanup with the kids and their toys, and make it fun. Figure it out– every kid is different. My oldest loves it whe I count to see how long it takes for him to finish the job– number two could care less. Just make it easy and fun. Have one place in your house where you put all the paper that comes into the house, and then clean it out regularly. My biggest problem– the kitchen. Keep up with it or it will kill you. If I don’t wake up to a clean kitchen, the day doesn’t start well. Go through all your cupboards and drawers and put things you’ve used a few times, but don’t need, or duplicates in a box and put in the basement. If you don’t go looking for something in six months, give the box away. I found if I had two wisks, I’d leave one dirty and get the second one out. Keep up with it all day, teach your kids to clear the table when they get up from a meal (and tell you thank you!) Then, get the place cleaned up before you are too tired to do it. I have no energy left once we get the kids in bed, so I can’t leave the dishes until then. I understand the advice of more seasoned moms who tell you to look past the clutter and enjoy the kids, but I really couldn’t enjoy them if I couldn’t see them! Right now, my family room is a wreck, and they are having a great time playing with the couch, two chairs, pillows, three bean bags and a few pillows– I can overlook the mess b/c it only takes two minutes for them to put back together before lunch (we’ve counted:)) Don’t go overboard– spend some time online looking for advice on cutting clutter, take it one room at a time, ask God for help– we don’t need "stuff," we need each other. Not sure if that’s your root problem, but it was mine, and though my house isn’t where I want it to be yet, its so much better!!
This sounds too simple to be helpful, but it is very true. It helped me a lot when my older children were still too young to help. Get up in the morning an hour before your children do. You can stay several steps ahead of them all day and you will be amazed at how much this changes and eases your daily frustrations.
I have kids the same age as yours and have the same problem. I see my house as a reflection of myself, especially the kitchen, which is the first room you walk into when entering. I would love to have someone take some of the housekeeping duties, but there is no way financially that we could do this with me a stay home mom. Besides, what I would really want to happen is to have someone take my children out of the house so I could clean it myself. I’m not very good at asking someone else to do what I feel I should be doing myself.
I agree with some of the other posts. Find out what you need the most and then make your decision based on that. At least you have a supportive husband who is willing to let you get help. My husband is also supportive, but is gone not even available on weekends because he is a farmer and basically has a 7 day a week job.
Good luck!
Wow — I was just talking about this very topic with a priest this morning! I have been feeling *really* overwhelmed lately and have been yelling at the kids more and setting really bad examples for them (hence my visit to the confessional after mass this morning). My oldest is a really big help around the house but she’s only 5. I keep talking about the need to hire someone to come in a couple of times a month to clean the things I never seem to be able to get to but it hasn’t happened yet. I really need to, though, since the state of the house adds to my stress. I’d rather spend my time mothering my children and teaching them than scrubbing floors. I know it seems like our moms did it all but I have finally been able to admit that I can’t do it. I need help in order to be a happy mom….and trust me — my kids would MUCH rather have a happy mom than a screaming banshee mom.
We can’t afford to hire help, but I always kind of wondered what was the point? I don’t need anyone to come do the dusting and vacuuming, that’s not that big of a deal,,,I need someone to PICK UP…lol. I’d need to clean before a maid could come over!
If I had the income, I would do things like pay more money for carry out more often, pay for one of those services where you can go and put together a months worth of frozen dinners, send out the laundry, that kind of thing.
Two strategies:
1. Get a cleaning person, but don’t be around when they clean. Have them come in at a set time when you are out (maybe take the kids with you to a morning Mass and then the park) or have then do one part of the house when you are in a different part. If you come home and most of the work you want is done, isn’t that better than none of it?
2. Consider not pre-homeschooling. Your kids seem to be at ages where Pre-K or kindergarten would be an option. This gains you time to do the work in the manner you want it.
Here is a poem that I found when my daughter was little. I recently shared it with another friend but it might help here also. I don’t know who wrote it but I have love it.
I know so well the value of neat rooms,
White curtains and the warmth of polished brass,
Wide window sills with plants in colored rows,
Serenity that comes in shining glass.
But these, O Lord, are not important things,
Nor will they leave much mark in days to be;
My daughter may forget our ordered rooms
In after years, but when she thinks of me
May she remember I laughed much, and think
Upon the way I shared her gaiety,
And how I read her stories from old books
Of brave fair days, and sometimes made her see
A wider world. O, Lord, make her understand
That always I deemed it more my task
To show her as much love as I could
Than to keep clean rugs upon a dusted floor.
Try flylady.net, it might help you put together a routine that helps you feel comfortable about your time spent cleaning and with the kids. I understand what you mean though, mine are 3 and 1.
I am there with you! I have 4 little ones and our house can only be described as lovable chaos!
My husband loves a clean, organized house. His mother was and is such a housekeeper that a group of surgeons could at *any* moment perform open-heart surgery on any floor in her home. My home is NOT LIKE THAT!
As much as I try to keep things clean, it’s not as important to me. I try to keep the house clean enough to not be a health problem, but I don’t want to live in a museum. I want to build memories here and I don’t want them to be about Mommy yelling because something is out of place.
Right after my newest baby was born, I asked my Darling if we could have help a couple of hours per week. We asked down at our little grocery store and got a cleaning lady. She helped me fold laundry, clean the kitchen and mop the floors. I only had her for a couple of months, but it sure helped.
Now that I am trying to do everything again, I remember a poem from a long time ago, and it gives me a smile as I watch the kids grow…
BABIES DON’T KEEP
Mother, oh Mother,
come shake out your cloth,
empty the dustpan,
shoo out the moth,
hang out the washing
and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house
is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery,
blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little
Boy Blue (lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done
and there’s nothing for stew
and out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
but I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing
will wait till tomorrow,
for Children grow up,
as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs.
Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby
and babies don’t keep……
~Author Unknown ~
I recall seeing a mom of 8 in the store and wearily asking, Does it get easier?"
She replied with a smile, "Once the oldest girl turns 9, it’s a whole different world."
I also am a perfectionist and married to one. He helps out a great deal with the kids and household duties.
My house is much more tidy now with 5 than it was with 2 and 3 little ones. Mine are now 8,7,4,2,9mo.
I recall once when dh was deployed and I was pregnant, the others were 4 and 2. They crept downstairs after bedtime and dumped an entire can of powder all over the kitchen- it took weeks to clean it up.
Ideas: Declutter, pick up several times a day, and restrict the toys to one room (our play room is the ROG so I just fling stuff up there, the kids pick it up)
Have enough storage, bookshelves, hangers, dressers…
I have enough energy to keep the house tidy, but not enough to scrub so a lady comes once a week to do the floors, bathrooms, dust, etc. We leave the house and come home later to a completely clean home.
Learn your "good enough" threshold. Tidy and clean to that point where you can stand it, but no more.
There are some good books about hiring help at the library or bookstore. One I liked was called, "A Housekeeper is Cheaper than A Divorce."
What about a college student as a helper? Are there any Catholic colleges nearby where you could put a posting in the Education department, for example? Or within your parish? Or surrounding parishes? My sister-in-law, a mother of 6 under 12, has often relied on female colleges students for help–either with the kids, or with the clean-up–with happy success. They’ve usually got flexible daytime schedules and are happy for a little extra money.
Do you have another mom/friend who you can co-clean with? Or babysit each others kids so you can straighten up or get the extra stuff done?
What a way to not only get your house clean but visit together! I have a friend who co-cleans with another friend. The work gets done quickly. I am thinking of doing the same thing.
It is a struggle to keep house and family from messes. Life is full of messes. For me I wouldn’t want to miss anyone of them even if I do complain about muddy messes, toy messes, paper messes, face messes, food messes. One day I will be complaining about those messes and how I misses them!:o)
I just realized, I should take my own advice and Danielle’s advice. I need to LET IT GO until I am done with Graduate school. I just realized that my house now looks like it did when I had 3 little ones under the age of 4. I have 5 children, but I only have 3 home now, but they are 14, 18 and 21 (and all male) Need I say no more?
Bad grammar in that last post LOL. Can you tell I am stressed?
I can’t really add anything except it does go by so quickly. Just try your best to enjoy your children now, and write down things they say and do, and soak them in. My house is still a struggle, that doesn’t ever end. But my older kids are teens now, and my "baby" is nearly three and the priceless time of having all little children is gone.
Also, I got a neighbor girl to come over (she was in high school) two hours a week so I could go out by myself for a while. I left a list of things for her to do with the children, including their chores. As a matter of fact, I still do this, and she makes sure they get the weekly cleaning done while I grocery shop and stop at a coffee shop for a little "me" time. It’s cheap and effective, and while the house isn’t perfect when I get home, it is better.
Go to the Titus2.com website and look at the book Managers of their Homes. It is written by a Christian homeschooling mom, and I have followed her advice even though I don’t homeschool. She advises following a schedule. Don’t roll your eyes yet. The book has worksheets and everything spelled out easily to help you make your schedule….I was so excited to read her ideas and wanted to skip ahead to the end and just put together a schedule, but she has you prayerfully read each chapter to ask God to show you what you need to include. An example of why to schedule: the author says she likes to sew. She would love to sit down and work on a project for 2 hours straight but it won’t happen with homeschooling and 8 kids. So she has sewing on her schedule one day a week. By the time she gets her project out, machine out, everything going, out of a half hour block, she may only sew 20 minutes, but doing that each week, she gets more done than waiting for those 2 or 3 hours free that will never come. The same goes with ironing, scrapbooking, etc. She has awesome ideas. For the kids, an idea I love is each day of the week having a certain toy/activity. Monday-playdough, Tuesday-puzzles, etc. The kids will play with other things during the day, but to ease some guilt about "did I do anything constructive, educational, etc with the kids today?" that has worked well for me. And it talks tons about chores, kids helping, how to make your life easier in regards to it all. If someone stops by unexpectedly for a visit, you let the schedule go, and pick it up later. It isn’t rigid…. It seems daunting when you already are overwhelmed since this book takes some time to go through, but it is so worth it. Good luck to you.
I never thought I’d be glad I’m a naturally lousy housekeeper, but reading this thread has made me consider that perhaps my complete lack of domestic skills is actually a gift! 🙂 And a disclaimer: we’ve only been blessed with three children, so I can’t pretend to know how it is to have six under six, or anything like that, though we did have three under three when the youngest was born.
Seriously, though, when my children were little toy clutter and similar messes bothered me more than mere weekly dirt. The bathrooms were going to get thoroughly cleaned approximately once a week and I’ve never been able to ignore laundry (when my oldest was a baby I didn’t feel like the day had really ‘started’ until both the dishwasher and the washing machine were running, even if that didn’t happen until 4pm). So prioritizing some of those tasks helps.
But I think the question to ask is, How do I define a clean home? If your ideal of a clean home is no toy clutter on the floors of any room (except maybe the children’s rooms or a designated playroom), perfectly scrubbed/vacuumed floors on a daily basis, bathrooms that would stand up to a surprise inspection from your mother-in-law (also on a daily basis), a spotless kitchen sink/kitchen countertops, no visible dust anywhere, essentially a home that looks at any given moment like one of those homes in magazines or on television, then I think Danielle’s advice about letting go is really, really important. You can have a home that looks like that, or you can have a home with young children around. The only way to have both at the same time is to create the kind of home where the children and their toys are not allowed to be in certain designated adults-only rooms, ever–and I’m not a big fan of that, personally, though I realize that others might find this an acceptable way of getting through the toddler/young child years.
I have recently moved to China, living in an expat community where nannies and/or housekeepers are the norm. When I first heard of this idea last year when I was visiting, all I could think was, "THANK GOD! NO MORE HOUSEWORK." However, after a few months spending time among people that have a lot of full-time help, I realized that it isn’t for us. I visited one family’s home that was so immaculate, you could eat off of any surface, even the undersides of some of them. That is, until I went into the wrong bathroom, the one the maid hadn’t gotten to yet that morning. It was a disgusting clothes everywhere, soap and toothpaste and make-up spilled all over the counters, toilet paper balled up by the toilet mess. Were they too busy expecting company that they couldn’t even bother to put their dirty underwear in a hamper? That’s possible. But what I took away from this was that the image of cleanliness was more important than developing the good habits a family might want (you know, like putting clothes away and getting garbage in the garbage.)
That being said, I do have a maid that is provided by the building that comes in for less than an hour five days a week. She cleans the toilets and tubs as well as mops all the visible floors. There are times when I have almost slipped into laziness, thinking that I don’t need to bother to clean some drip because the maid will be here again tomorrow. I have to admit it is nice, though when I have to when we move back to the States I can go back to doing it myself.
"Help" is fantastic, but it can make you lazy. That would be my caution.
Hi Melanie,
Have you checked out Savingdinner.com? It’s a menu site that has one of those plans that you talked about, only you do it yourself and it is loads cheaper! You might want to check it out.
Natalie,
Does your local church have a mother and baby group? They might be able to help you out. Good luck to you. My prayers are with you.
Hey, have you checked out flylady.net? Made a huge difference for me, and you do it in "babysteps"!
Other than that, Amen, Danielle!
I’ve found some great sitters and housekeepers through neighbors & friends. When my children were little I found an elderly woman who babysat one or two mornings a week. I loved it. My kids adored her and it made for such excitement on the mornings that she came. They would wait by the door and great her with such enthusiasm. I liked being able to get errands done without the carseats, strollers, etc. Also, it made our weekends so much less stressful because we could hang out together as a family, rather than tag team so we could get stuff done.
As the children grew up I needed different kinds of help. At one point I had a college girl who helped with driving and after school activities. Having five children in various different activities each day of the week was insane and it helped not to have to drag the baby out all the time. I also liked to make dinner each night and this ensured that we could eat as a family and not rely on take out or fast food during the week.
Now that my children are all in school full time I’ve cut back on babysitting help and reved up housekeeping & laundry help. With so many bodies and so many outfits (mostly due to sports) the laundry was killing me. So I found a nice woman to come two days a week to do laundry and clean.
I realize that we are blessed to have this in our life and I don’t take it for granted for a minute. Our children have witnessed my husband and I treat our household help with respect and kindness. I hope that one day when they are out in the world, they will remember that we treat all people fairly and with respect, whether they are working for us or vice versa.
And a final note, there are a lot of people out there who like to do things themselves and take pride in their hard work. That is fine. I’m all for that. But I think woman have to be careful about being snarky to those who do have help and make financial sacrifices for such help. I’ve been subject to nasty comments from friends, such as "If I had that kind of help, I could have five kids too!" or "What do you do all day?" It’s just plain mean. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become much less sensitive to other women’s comments, but I remember when I was younger it really bothered me.
For us, having help means having a less stressful, more enjoyable life. It has made all the difference for us as a family.
I cheat some.
I use paper plates at lunch and snacks. I make toys stay in a certain area of the house ONLY. I tidy up before all meals. If it is a nice day the kids HAVE to play outside until lunch.
Mostly I do a lot of work when dh is home. I take most of my breaks while he is at work and once he is home I do things like vacuum and mop because then he is around to keep the kids out of my hair.
If I could afford a cleaning lady to come I would just give her a list of the stuff I really hated doing like vacuuming stairs, cleaning bath tubs, cleaning the stove/microwave etc. Then I would get busy doing something that really focused my attention like baking or messing around outside so I did not let her cleaning bother me or make me feel guilty.
We can’t afford housework; I personally am a perfectionist, too, and can’t let EVERYTHING go. Plus, I’ve come to see housework in a new light, that, for me anyway, it’s a part of my vocation. I know, it’s a tough balance — so is being a mom. I think someone recommded way down there in the comments "A Mother’s Rule of Life" by Holly Pierlot. She talks a lot about the vocation of motherhood. I only have two right now, ages 2 1/2 and 10 months. So I’m not homeschooling yet. I actually picked up her book hoping to learn a way to get a handle on housework but I got soooo much more out of it! I highly recommend it.
So I don’t really have a "rule" yet per say. ALL the housework is up to me; hubby works long hours and doesn’t really contribute in that way. What I’ve found works for the basics is just to do a little every day — so like every Tuesday I clean the bathrooms. I mop the floors on Thursdays. I vacuum on Fridays. I try to pick up clutter every night after dinner. I say to myself on those days, "I HAVE to get [whatever] done today." And you know, I found that all those things only take about a half hour, then I have the rest of the day to do whatever and I don’t have to worry about the housework. I’ve slowly added a few things here and there, as the baby has gotten older and doesn’t need me to hold him all the time. I guess you just have to figure out what works for you.
Just had to add my thoughts in the hope they might help someone.
THANK YOU for this post! I’ve got a 5yo & 2yo, and am currently babysitting another busy toddler, and was just starting to wonder (read: panic) about how we were going to do kindergarten in the fall. Thank you for reminding me to lighten up already! 🙂 It’s easy to focus so much on the housework — all the doing — that I forget the important thing during this season of life is BEING — letting go enough to enjoy just being with my babies. It’s a hard lesson for us perfectionists to learn!
Take it from a mom who has three kids one graduated college last May and now as moved out. Another graduating college in May, and teenager a freshman in high school. That precious time goes by way to quickly. When the time comes for them to walk out that door on their own it is hard very hard to know it will never be the same. I’m happy their on their own but i miss being a mom with them everyday. I have been extremely close with my kids being a stay at home mom. So enjoy every sometimes frustating moment.
What I call help is a 12 to 13 year old mother’s helper. An extra set of hands, teach them to fold, load dishwasher, push kids on swings, take the kids around the block. I pay a measely 3 dollars and hour. Someone to play Candy Land with them and other things you dread to do with your kids.
I haven’t read through all the comments, but I’ve always wondered one thing. I know the OP has a problem with the heavy-duty tasks, but I notice when people need a housecleaner/helper they tend to have a tough time ‘picking up/de-cluttering’ before the cleaner arrives. For some people it is a really big issue. I wonder why housecleaners couldn’t be also hired to help with the de-cluttering?
Just a little question that has always niggled in my mind.
🙂
Christi,
Your post made me laugh, because I am one of "those people" who used to have trouble decluttering before the cleaning lady comes. Don’t have one right now, but need one desperately. I used to have one, but she moved back to Poland. She was my cleaning lady, declutterer for quite a few years.