A Reader Writes:
Our daughter is almost 11 months old and we are trying to figure out the best way to train her not to touch things that are dangerous like cords and outlets and such. She’s a very lively and strong-willed little girl. We’ve been doing a lot of hand smacking with a ruler, but with limited success — and I really don’t like the fact that she flinches now every time that I tell her no (but of course doesn’t stop what she’s doing!). Do you have any thoughts, suggestions, or books that you would recommend? Being a first time mother, I know I’m probably somewhat unrealistic in my expectations, but I really want to raise obedient, respectful, and disciplined children … I’m just not sure exactly how to go about doing so!
I think the most important things you say about your situation are “limited success” “I really don’t like the fact that she flinches” and “doesn’t stop what she’s doing.” You are not feeling happy about your current method of discipline and it’s not working anyway.
I commend you for recognizing consistent discipline as an essential component of good parenting. No matter where you fall in the spank or don’t spank debates, however, I think an 11 month old is way too young for any stronger discipline than a “doesn’t hurt at all tap to the fingers” (with your hand, not an object) accompanied by a stern “No!” And I even avoid the tap to the fingers thing.
When a baby stops responding to your stern “No” (and it sounds like your daughter has) you need to do something more. The “something more” I prefer to do is remove, distract, and repeat. Remove your child from the forbidden object or activity (put her in another room), turn a deaf ear to her complaints for a minute or two, and then return to distract her with an activity, a hug, a conversation, a toy, or a game. If she returns to the forbidden activity, that’s where the repeat comes in. Remove her again, ignore her protests again, and attempt to distract once more. It might take many times before you succeed.
This takes time, effort, and (yes!) discipline on your part, but it’s well worth it in the end. It might not work perfectly every time, but if you are consistent in your discipline, eventually even the stubbornest child learns not only what she is and is not allowed to do, but the more important lesson of “Mama loves me but she means what she says and I must obey.”
As for recommendations, I really like Dr. Ray Guarendi’s no-nonsense approach to child rearing, but I hesitate to recommend any one approach for all parents. What works beautifully in one family might fail in another simply because different parents and different children have different needs and temperaments. As you gain experience, you will get to know what kinds of things work best with your daughter and gain confidence in your parenting skills. Read as much parenting advice as you want, but take and use only what works well for you in the end.
And now go give that lively, strong-willed daughter of yours a big hug and a kiss from me!
I just wanted to recommend, in addition to Dr. Guarendi, a little book called "1,2,3, Magic". It is truly a God-send for us with our very difficult 7yo nephew who lives with us. He has been abused and spanking is not an option with him, even if we were ones to spank. With our oldest child, a very sensitive girl, giving her a "talking to" is almost always enough. But for kids that need solid consequences, and for parents that need a solid, easy way to handle angry, in your face kids, this book is a gem. Obviously the writers 11mo is too young for this. 🙂 But I just had to share for some others…it’s made a world of difference in our house, and when things start to backslide it’s always because we have been loosening up on the techniques in it. When we go back to using them, sanity returns, usually in a day or two.
I’ve found (as somebody said early in this thread, I think) that when I’m getting really aggravated at my son’s behavior, or looking enviously at some insanely neat, tidy, and quiet children, that it helps to remember what I am working towards. My goal is not to have a ‘good child.’ My goal is to have an amazing adult. The same spirit that makes my son so difficult now (at 2.5) is the spirit that may make him an independent, self-confident, and outspoken adult later. My mom told me more than once that I was her most difficult child, but she is proud of me now – all that back-talk and stubbornness matured into self-confidence and conviction.
Remembering my hopes and dreams for my children’s adult lives helps me to keep my calm, discipline (that is, teach) rather than punish, and apologize when I have been too harsh. I don’t want to be an obstacle to my son’s learning process, I want to be the doorway!
Fifteen years ago, when our oldest was a year old, I would say that we did use more corporal punishment than we do now with our ninth baby who is 2 years old. Like many have said, you go through your parenting years tweaking what you did before. We didn’t out and out spank an 11 month old, but we did flick their fingers when they dropped food off their high chair tray or reached for a dangerous object. That progressed as they got older to a few swats on the bottom if they didn’t come when they were called or outright disobeyed (maybe around 18-24 months). I don’t regret doing that – they actually all became obedient children who also knew lots of love and affection.
They had a healthy respect for us as their parents. I think that respect can, in a Godly way, equate with healthy fear. Having a healthy fear of punishment is a good thing…..we should all fear hell, and that can prompt us to obey God and other authority that He has placed over us. The goal is to obey out of love, but really, for a young child, this is too much to grasp. A two year old WANTS that chocolate cake up on the counter top, but he needs to obey the will of his parents and not get into it. He doesn’t understand that he should obey out of love – he will understand that if he does "abc (gets into the cake), the consequences will be xyz(something undesirable)" as someone else said. This CAN change early on for a child – obeying out of love rather than fear of consequences….like someone mentioned St. Therese of Liseux. But my experience has been that it is much closer to the "age of reason"….around age 7…..that my kids have started to grasp this concept. It seems for us to coincide with their preparing for receiving the Holy Eucharist at their First Communion and making their first confession.
But we have evolved, as I said. With our more recent little ones, we have been less quick to spank at a young age. I think we realize that the throwing of the food off the high chair tray will cease at a certain age, or at least at two to three years old the child will have more self control and be able to respond to our "no". We’ve also been much more involved with forming the character of our older ones so that the little ones are maybe given a little more grace…..do you know what I mean? Like at mass, if you only have one or two children there, it is much easier to focus on their misbehavior and correct it frequently (sometimes too much to the point of nagging), whereas if you are managing a large brood, say, nursing a newborn, having a 20 month old, a 3 year old, a 4.5 year old, all squirming because of the heat, oh, and you notice that your 10 year old isn’t saying the prayers, and your 12 year old is slumping in his seat, well, some of those kids get overlooked a bit because you choose which several are the most important to correct. I’m not saying we gave up on disciplining the younger ones; we just came to realize that at a certain age they are able to control their urges more readily. And when you’re spread thin as a parent, it’s okay to decide what is most important to address and let the rest go.
The other thing that we’ve been able to do is to have older kids watch younger ones, therefore negating the need for discipline when they are very young. The older child removes the younger sib from a "no-no" situation and distracts them with something else. For us older, battle weary parents, that is truly a God-send! So just a word of encouragement to the first time moms out there – you won’t always be alone all day with that baby who gets into everything. You may have built in help as the years go along. Even a well trained 5 or 6 year old can keep an eye on a younger baby while mom cooks dinner. And when you have even older kids, YOU can take the baby on a stroller ride while the oldest child prepares dinner! It’s hard not to have tunnel vision when they’re all young, but the family dynamics really do change, quickly.
Live well, laugh often, love much.
I also like to use a technique (it may have come from Love & Logic) that goes something like this:
"That vase (or what-not) is causing a problem. It keeps getting in someone’s hands. I think I will put it in time out."
Later you can say:
"That vase sure is pretty. I would really like to take it out of timeout. Do you think it has learned to stay out of people’s hands? Great, let’s give it a chance."
Also, remind yourself that (name your fav comedian) Robin Williams was once 7 years old…I’m sure he made his teacher’s crazy! But what a talent could have been squashed! (Same is true for budding artists who fav canvas is a living room wall.)
AND, last, but not least…Jesus, too, was once three years old.
Peace be with you,
Annamaria
I am with Amy on this one. Hitting an 11 month old child with a ruler is way past what I call "first-time-Mommy-mistakes." Even a parent with no frame of reference should never be inclined to hit their child with ANYTHING. Still, the mother who wrote in shows such courage. If only we could all be so humble to admit we don’t know anything! I admire you, sweet Mommy who wrote in, and I will be praying for you.
Danielle, what an awesome answer! How blessed are we to have you in our "Cyber-lives!"
All the best parenting books can be summed up this way: Give the kids LOTS of LOVE and be strict. So, if you want to spank your baby, you have to heap on the lovin’ too. Even if you don’t, heap on the lovin’ anyway.
Just wanted to mention to "to Scott" who brings up the fact that St. Therese of Liseux’s parents did not use corporal punishement…I think it’s because they had some quiet time away from their little ones from time to time, at least once a week. If you (re)read her book, like I was doing a couple days ago, you’ll notice that St. Therese talks about being "too young" to attend Sunday mass with them! They left her home, and she remembered it! (Meaning, she wasn’t just an infant) I know lots of mothers here would be appalled, but that’s exactly what I did when my children were little; it wasn’t worth it for them or for me. And I always disciplined in a much more fair way when I wasn’t overly-stressed. So you’ve got to look at the whole picture sometimes, is all I’m saying.
Dear "to Scott":
Interpreting the "rod passages" in scripture as meaning corporal punishment has always been the traditional Catholic understanding, as evinced by some of the greatest theologians and saints in the Catholic Church (I listed St. Augustine, St Thomas Aquinas, and St Alphonsus Liguori, to which St Therese’s parents don’t hold a candle). By no means is such an interpretation a Protestant error. In this case, there are those who call themselves "catholic" that choose to follow a more "hippy theology of the 60’s interpretation(read Gregory K. Popcak) over the greatest theological heavyweights in the Catholic tradtition. As it turns out, ironically, Michael Perl’s intepretation of scripture is as Catholic as can be.
Theology aside, being anti-corporal punishment doesn’t make good philosophical sense either, since it rests on a misunderstanding of human nature. Aristotle observed that children learn primarily through pleasure and pain. Their reasoning capacities simply aren’t developed enough at a young age. To learn, children need to associate pleasure with good things and pain with bad things. To try to reason with one whose reasoning powers are underdeveloped is an exercise in futility.
I think all parents should listen to this homily on the "Sins of parents". This priest has it right:
http://www.sensustraditionis.org/webaudio/Sermons/Disk6/Children.mp3
God bless,
Scott
http://www.sensustraditionis.org/webaudio/Sermons/ Disk6/Children.mp3
Ok one last time:
http://www.sensustraditionis.org
Go to multimedia and then "Raising Children"
You know, when I was a kid and misbehaved somtimes I got a spanking. I can remember almost bragging with friends as an older child that if we did such and such our daddy would whip our butts. It seemed we all wanted to have a daddy who would whip our butts if we did something wrong. It was cool!
This girl said that she sometimes smacks her little girls hands with a ruler for touching a plug in. I’m having a hard time seeing what the big deal is to some of yall. "Smacks her hand", sounds alot different than "hitting" too, as some of yall keep saying you would never hit a baby.