Tuesday Coffee Talk April 8, 2008 by Danielle Filed Under: Coffee Talk It’s Tuesday! Time for Coffee Talk. So, spill it. What’s on your minds this week?
Laura R says
Time – My H gets home late as well. He also takes classes two nights a week (an hr away) that put his arrival home way past the kids bedtimes. So far, our strategy has been
1) get the kids excited for Daddy’s arrival home.
2) “Blitz” as my mom would call it. Run around with the kids (in the excitement Daddy’s coming home) and pick up around the house very quickly. We had tons of fun doing this and my dad’s arrival would often be the pinacle of our Blitz time 🙂
3) As soon as my H gets settled, hand the kids off to him while I prep our dinner or clean. I have a 19mo old, who usually gets this time, while the 3mo old gets her time after dinner when my toddler is in bed. My H and I take turns snuggling with her while relaxing together.
4) One night a week, and on very overwhlemed days, I get “time off”. My H takes over with our toddler’s routine. Outdoor time, dinner, playtime, bath, prayers, bed. Sometimes he will also take our 3mo old, but since she is nursing on demand, I generally care for her/take her out with me on my night off.
5) weekends are family time. My H is also a reservist, so at least one wkend a mo, he’s out of town. I try to plan fun activities to do with the kids and surprises to make for my H when he gets home. (Our next drill weekend, I plan on taking the kids to the zoo, doing some necessary summer clothes shopping, meeting up with the kid’s Aunt, and doing some baking with my toddler for his Daddy 🙂
You just have to make time, and make the most of it when you have it! I find by not over committing myself or my children, we are able to enjoy the time we have together without being rushed 🙂
To “Need Encouragement”
You are not alone in your struggles of being a Catholic wife who just wants to be blessed with more children. We have struggled with infertility for the entirety of our nearly 10 year marriage. We have adopted two beautiful boys but the pain is still very very real. I’m working at this notion of “blooming where I’ve been planted” but it’s not been an easy road…especially when I want so much to be like so many of the women here!
I want to extend an invitation to you or anyone else struggling with infertility to find support at a private Catholic Infertility Forum that I moderate. Feel free to email at nurseannie1976 @ yahoo . com. It’s open to anyone who has struggled for a minimum of 12 months of primary or secondary infertility.
Need encouragement says
Thanks for al the encouragement…I´ve been trying to read the little way of the little family but can´t find it? Do you have it.?
I like to read something about being fruitful ( without the blessing of a large family) any suggestions?
If anyone’s still reading this thread…
Can anyone shed any light on miscarriage? Specifically, the question of whether to do the 1) D&C or 2) let-nature-take its course approach to physically dealing with the miscarriage? My husband and I are doing OK dealing with spiritual/emotional aspects of losing the baby (8 weeks along – blighted ovum, but we sort of saw this coming), but I am not sure what is the best thing to do physically. My inclination is to wait-it-out, but Dr. did warn that bleeding and cramping could get pretty bad. This is our first loss, so we could use some advice from those with experience in this area. Thanks.
To AnonToday: I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage and D&C a year ago. I don’t regret the D&C, but I am sure other women have different ideas. My sister, who has six children, had two miscarriages. She had one at home and one followed by a D&C; she told me that the at-home one was far harder, physically and emotionally, than the D&C. I found the Elizabeth Ministry online (http://www.elizabethministry.com), and their message of support and understanding were very helpful and consoling to me. God bless and keep you.
momofsome: No apologies. Actually, your prayer comment made me smile. I am notorious for being vague, and if I was misunderstood, I assume it is because of me.
Anonymous: Awesome link on the Pope’s visit. Thanks.
AnonToday: I am so sorry for your loss. Over ten years ago, I was 14 weeks pregnant with my first child, and I was told the baby had stopped developing. I was offered a D&C, but another dr. encouraged me to wait. Waiting to miscarry naturally is very hard, but emotionally, I think that it helped me to grieve. There is no right or wrong decision here. If you are comfortable with your drs. advice, then follow it. I have never had a D&C, but if you have questions on “letting nature take its course,” please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I just went through this and at 7 weeks. I can only tell you from my own experience. My first one was so early that I wouldn’t have even known except that I was eagerly taking the pregnancy test. The second one, I was 11 weeks along when I found out. I decided to let nature take its course; however, I hemorrhaged badly and my husband had to rush me to the hospital. I don’t recommend it for that reason. (Not everyone experiences that so you and your doctor have to do what you think is best).
This time I got the D&C. It was ok. I have a very pro-life doctor. I don’t know if that makes a difference or not when deciding but I had confidence in him.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Barb Szyszkiewicz, sfo says
I want to reply to MOM OF 4 re activities that are “just for boys.”
I have 2 boys ages 16 and 6, and one girl age 12. Our family has found that BOY SCOUTING has been the best “just for boys” activity we could want. Our older son has been a Scout for 10 years. He’s working on his Eagle badge right now. Because of Scouting he has learned about archery, swimming, rifle shooting, canoeing, whitewater canoeing, whitewater rafting, first aid, emergency preparedness and much more. He has learned to step outside of what he thinks he knows and what he thinks he can do, and try something new in a safe, supervised environment. He has learned to live by the Scout law. Scouts are expected to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.
Our Scout troop periodically has “whole family” activities but most of what is done is done by the boys. They are taught to be independent and resourceful.
The values supported by Boy Scouting are the same values we as Catholics want to foster in our children. So we are happy with our son’s involvement in Scouting and looking forward to our little boy joining Scouts in the fall.
Marie M says
Dear AnonToday, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll never forget my first miscarriage and my second one as well. For my first, at 11 weeks I was bleeding and after it didn’t stop (for a day or two) I was getting dizzy and lightheaded so my doc told me to go to the ER. I didn’t realize I was hemorrhaging. I also had a blighted ovum, and they told me it was common to bleed a lot. The ER personnel were less than compassionate, telling me that it really wasn’t a “baby”, just a clump of cells. We had asked them if we could have any remains of the baby if they found any. I ended up with an emergency D&C because the bleeding wouldn’t stop. A few days later I went to my doctor’s office visit. At that point I was telling myself that I just needed to “get over it.” My dear doctor came in the room, sat down and gave me a big bear hug. He looked me in the eye and said, “You had a baby. And the baby died.” (of course I burst into tears) He was so compassionate and helped me realize that I needed to grieve. He said, “You can give the baby a name. You can go to the cemetery where one of your relatives is buried and (I had kept a container with some of the blood clots I had passed) bury the remains there.” To this day whenever we visit Grandpa Monsour’s grave we greet our little Gloria Patrice, and it gives me such consolation to know I have a little one in heaven, praying for me and who I will have all eternity to get to know. Our second misscarriage at 8 weeks ended at home when I passed the entire gestational sac and could see and hold that beautiful creation of God that was my baby for such a short time. We decided that time to take the remains to the local hospital where they were able to tell us the abnormality (it was a Trisomy 6) and they were even able to tell us it was a girl!!! We didn’t have any remains to bury, but it was a different kind of consolation and connection with the little one we called Victoria Lucis. Our children all know the names of their sisters in heaven.
AnonToday, I don’t know if there’s a right or a wrong for having a D&C — especially if you know the baby is dead, I cannot see how this could possibly be the wrong choice — maybe someone else will correct me. I’ll be praying for you.
Oh no, I never meant that “Just do it” works in all situations, especially those relationships that are suffering from past sexual abuse, porn, affairs, and the like. I was making this statement for those who said their husbands had a greater need than them and they were often tired and the like.
I got the impression that “Wife” was saying her husband had a problem with porn in his teens but now has more of a problem with the “M” word because she was often tired and not in the mood. If he has the “M” problem because they aren’t together enough then that should be a fairly easy fix, but if he has the “M” problem because of other issues and even being intimate with his wife doesn’t fix that then talking to a confessor would be a good idea.
So please let me make it clear that I realize there are many more complex issues that can affect the intimacy in a marriage and my advice was only for those women who are often tired or not in the mood who feel they are neglecting their husbands. In these cases sometimes that Nike slogan is the best bet!
Pidge, I’m so glad I could offer some help. There is absolutely no such thing as getting too much kindness when grieving a miscarriage. I needed so much love and support with mine.
AnonToday, my heart aches for you, too. I was in exactly the same situation: natural m/c or D and C? It was an agonizing decision to make at an already horrible time. I ended up doing the D & C because my doctor told me it could take weeks for my body to miscarry and every day I was getting further into a hole of depression. I didn’t think I could last. My husband was also going to be away and I did not think I could handle being at home alone when my body started to miscarry. I did ask for them to do another ultrasound shortly before the procedure … I just needed that clarity that it was really a baby with no heartbeat (not a rational thing at all, as I’d had two ultrasounds already that had showed no heartbeat, but my doctor humored me). But the procedure went well. I was totally out for it, which I recommend; some docs just give you local anesthesia, from what I”ve heard, and it sounded really emotionally hard to be awake during it, so I was glad I missed it, so to speak.
It’s a hugely personal decision, and there are good arguments either way. I’d never tell you that you “should” do one or the other. Just do what you’re doing and gather stories. That was how I made my decision.
We planted flowers in the backyard for our lost baby. It’s a beautiful reminder.
Hugs to you!
Danielle, if you don’t close the comments here, we’re going to have a Coffee Talk Week and nobody will get anything done!
Good point, GB. Time to get back to folding laundry and loving up your husbands, ladies!