A few weeks back, I read Amy Welborn’s post (linking to some others) discussing introverted parents. I was fascinated by the discussion, but had no time to write about it until now. Over the years, I have noticed that some people refer to their personality profiles with various combinations of four letters, but I only had some vague college psych class memory of what any of them meant.
Amy’s post sent me searching for more information on introvert and extrovert personality types and I gave myself a little online refresher course in Jungian psychology. I took the personality profile test and got four letters of my own: ISFJ.
However useful/not useful I might find much of modern psychology, I was surprised to find just how accurately this test managed to sum up my personality — in ways that I never really think about but take for granted as just how “I am.” I had my oldest kids take the test and thought it was equally accurate in summing up their personalities as well.
So I am an introverted parent with (some) extroverted kids. What I find most useful about this kind of insight is that it gives me some new perspective on my particular parental struggles. When it comes to large family living, it’s not so much the work I struggle with. I don”t mind being home most of the day and occupying my body with menial work like laundry, meals, and scrubbing out sinks. Really, I don’t — as long as I can be absorbed in my own thoughts as I do the work. I really do feel recharged when I have a chunk of time to just think and not talk. I love breaks from schooling, not because I get breaks from grading papers or other responsibilities, but because I get breaks from the incessant interaction that everyday schooling requires of me.
Yesterday at Easter Mass, after Communion, I wanted to savor a moment of Easter peace for one quiet moment in the pew. I closed my eyes, held my sleepy, snuggly baby, and breathed the incense. I felt my soul embrace Christ in the Eucharist and — “Are we going home now?” one child wanted to know and “Did you bring a drink for me?” another asked.
I sometimes feel like I live my life on the verge of a really great thought that someone always interrupts for a cup of juice. Sometimes I think I might have the makings of a novel somewhere inside of me, but my life is never quiet enough for long enough to tease it out. But this is what God asks of me right now. This is the kind of everyday “dying to self” that is required of me today and tomorrow and for many days to come.
I’m not sharing this to whine. I’m sharing this because it helps just to know it — to see clearly the particular ways in which we are called to sacrifice instead of just feeling it and wondering why it seems so hard sometimes.
Extroverted parents will have different struggles. They have to balance a need for social interaction with the isolation that parenting requires. We all have a balance to find and sacrifices to make, because in the end, whatever our personality types, our worlds and our circumstances are not catering to our whims and preferences.
Just knowing that we have different personalities and preferences, however, can be useful. Now we know that we don’t struggle where other parents thrive because there’s something wrong with us. We struggle because we have different needs and preferences. Now we know that what comes easily to others will come hard — some days really hard — to us.
We know that, though the details may differ, we all do struggle. We are not alone.
Danielle,
I have been reading on your website for a few months now since I read your books. I have been so gracious that you do open up about you thoughts and feelings about motherhood. I have been a “baseball wife” for 8 years and now that my husband’s career ended last year, we had to make a huge transition into “the real world” as everyone around here would tell us. My husband works a lot and I am home a lot and everyone else works and I felt like I needed to be doing other things too. You have helped me see God so much more clearly in my life just being home with my children. I too am a introverted parent and at times struggle with it. But reading your comments today helped my accept even more who I am and that God loves me the way I am. He created me and I am fighting. I too have had thoughts or ideas and been, until today, realized they are not interruptions from my children, but God at work in my life. I just wanted you to know that someone in Kansas is blessed to have you in their life.
I think what you are saying is so true. When we learn what makes us tick and those around us tick we can begin to understand and even appreciate those things that are different from us. I too took that personality test in college (I think I was INFJ), but the most helpful thing for me has been a book called “The Temperament God Gave You” by Art and Larraine Bennett. It truly helps you to not only understand yourself and others but gives you practical advice for motivating, parent/child interactions, and for the spiritual life. God Bless!
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only introverted mom of a large family out there! I second the recommendation of The Temperament God Gave You book. I have also read some Personality Plus books that deal with the four temperaments. Learning about my temperament and those of my family has changed my life! I am a much more understanding person now.
I, too, am an ISFJ, and called to a contemplative order (Discalced Carmelites), and balancing that inner prayer life with parenting 5 children has had me wondering what God is thinking… but my answer is always that He would like me to learn to die to myself. A saving grace has been St. Teresa of Avila’s teaching that God walks among the pots and pans.
It also helps me to remember the words of my deacon at the baptism of our youngest child — he admonished us adults, who would be worried about the behavior of our younger ones in church, to “remember who put the wiggle in them.”
I have taken the Meyers Briggs test a couple of times. I am an ENTJ – which means I am an extroverted (extremely!), intutitive (I go with my “gut” vs my “senses”), thinker (moved more by logic/research then feelings), who like things to be really organized and well planned. I’ve been at home full time for about 3.5 years with my 5 kids and in many ways it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done precisely because I am an extreme extrovert. I find stay at home life lonely and energy draining. I’ve learned that I really need to do things outside of the home with other adults or am very unhappy. I used to feel bad about it – – but I’ve learned that it’s how I’m wired and in order to be a happy mom/wife I can’t ignore how I’m made. Because I am so driven and organized my home runs very well which is a plus side (never behind on laundry, clean closets, organized playroom, meals planned etc) but I really struggle with just hanging out with the kids and being fully present to their chatter and games – but I’m trying!!! I love and trust Jesus so much. I know He loves me as I am – extroversion and all – and He helps me to be a good mom. I’m trying to see more and more how he wants me to spend my time/energy and sometimes it’s watching Power Rangers (again) with my guys.
“I sometimes I feel like I live my life on the verge of a really great thought that someone always interrupts for a cup of juice.”
This says it all to me! I am an introverted mom too and I had printed out Amy’s article to read after the kids went to bed. The thing she mentioned about staying up later than everyone else to get some quiet mental alone time–so true for me as well.
Thank you for sharing this! I, too, am an introverted stay-at-home mother (INFJ, thanks to the test you linked to) of kids who like to do! do! do! and go! go! go! Although I just got my “letters” today, I have always known I am introverted and prefer time to myself. However, this can be a real weakness, and I have learned to see that God gave these active, interested, outgoing, confident children to me so that my own (opposite) tendencies could be balanced. I really do live a much more “full” life now that I have had to adjust to mothering children of such different temperaments.
Anyway, I appreciate that you do manage to finish a thought here and there and get them onto your website and into your books. You are a blessing!
Grace and peace…
Jeannine (the one who admired your beautiful house!)
I’ve been thinking about this since reading Amy Welborn’s blog on this as well. I took the Myers-Briggs while at my first job out of college 13-14 years ago and was an ENTP (this was before marriage and kids!). Reading Amy’s blog post made me realize why, when my mother-in-law or someone offers to watch the kids so I can get out an hour or so by myself, I really have no desire to — I’d much rather be around people, either out with other adults or staying with my mother-in-law and kids! The key is to get some time with other adults but without the kids, really. That isn’t easy. Midwest Mom, I’m with you! The stay-at-home life can be lonely and energy-draining at times. Lately I’ve come to realize that this is part of the sacrifice and dying to self that I have to do as a mom. Having that perspective makes it a little easier — most of the time!
Tina! Lately, mostly due to this never-ending-winter, I have been complaining more to my husband about how bored I am etc. He keeps telling me to hire someone to watch the kids once/twice a week so I can get out. I always respond “But I don’t have anyone to go out with!!” My MIL sits every other week so I can get out, but it doesn’t invigorate me like time with interesting, curious adults. Because I crave time with adults, I drag my kids everywhere (which they love) and I entertain a ton. We usually have a dinner party twice a month (one with kids, one without). Amen to the sacrifice of being a lonely SAHM – but what a great mortification. (BTW – it’s not terrible and as my kids get older their more “fun”, but for us extroverts we really are energized by being around people. **** Quick story, when my husband and I were dating I planned a night out for his birthday. It was on a Friday and we had both had a difficult week at work. So I made reservations at a great restaurant and then plans to hear some live music and go to another chic place for drinks/desserts. My introverted man rejected most of my plans stating he was stressed from the week and I said “Yes, I know, that’s why I made these plans.” 😉 Since it was his birthday, we just had a quiet dinner but I was annoyed and confused. We’ve used this example when leading pre-Cana sessions . . .
Thanks for this post! I am an introverted mother of 2 who, married to an extrovert. I often struggle with my desire for alone time (which could be something as simple as spending time scrubbing a sink by myself.) I’m always thinking that I should be “involved” with the kids. Thanks for the reminder that it is a true need. But more importantly thanks for reminding to for the greater need to die to self.
Danielle, this post speaks volumes.
Yesterday my husband took the kids out for ice cream (he gave it up for Lent, which meant we all did, LOL!), and left me to clean the house and prepare food for our dinner guests…and it was wonderful to have two totally quiet hours, in which I could complete two hours’ worth of household tasks, with no interruptions.
I am an introvert married to an extrovert, so I have learned not only to ask for recharge time but also to honor my husband’s need for a houseful of friends so he can recharge. (At the end of a really bad work week, I invite folks over for a barbecue…generally, that is the last thing I, personally, want to do, but it does wonders for my ultra-extrovert husband.)
For the last two years, my husband and I have gone to Easter Vigil Mass together…alone. We are active in music ministry and have a full plate on Easter Sunday, and we’ve found that the time we share at the Easter Vigil renews us both and helps us really focus on Easter’s profound meaning in our lives. We don’t have to set up music stands, glare at children misbehaving in the front pew or worry about frogs in throats. We’re just there, with the newly-baptized and the community of faithful Catholics. It’s the best date night I can imagine – introverted me, with my beloved, spending two quiet hours with God. Wow.
Just wanted to say that liquid dishwashing soap, rubbed full-strength into food stains helps remove them. Makes sense because it is formulated to breakdown food. Who knew?
Peace be with you!
The whole “dying to self” thing is what I’m trying to embrace more cheerfully this Easter season. I’m doing it by necessity as mother of a 4, 3, and 10 month old. Choosing to do it ‘cheerfully’ instead of through clenched teeth is a whole new ballgame for me.
I’m also an extreme extrovert. I feel like I’m always on the verge of having a great conversation (filled with soul-saving spiritual insight) just as a child interrupts me for a juice. At first the physical isolation got to me. Now its the fact that I know so many interesting Catholic mothers but don’t feel free to talk deeply with them because either one of my babies has a bathroom emergency or one of hers needs immediate attention.
The biggest negative for me to commit to home-schooling was the thought that I wouldn’t get to chat daily with the other mothers while waiting to pick out our kids after school. As a convert to Catholicism, I feel like I especially need that pat on the back that frequent socialization with other Catholic families bring.
Thank you so much for this honest, insightful post. It helps to know that we are all called daily to pick up our cross, set aside our own desires (even for something as spiritually beneficial to our own souls as Adoration) for the good of God’s kingdom.
I too have always struggled with the “alone time” issue. Now that my kids are older, I get more of it and can actually have unplanned time alone. It does get better. I am married to an extreme introvert, who cannot stand any type of noise. Kind of hard when you have 5 kids. He deals with it, but not too happily at times. Mid West Mom, I can totally relate to your experience! My husband is the same way. He’s a homebody, and as I stated already doesn’t like noise.
My youngest son took the personality test and he came out to be an extrovert, which he most definitely is! He’s a “performer”! Everyone always tells me it is such a pleasure to be around him.
I love this kind of stuff, it gets me excited!!
very interesting…I’m quite the opposite, Danielle, an extrovert, and I have a lot of problems focusing on tasks at home and often put them off because I’d rather do just about anything than stand by my lonesome at the kitchen sink! hehe….
I loved homeschooling my oldest in the beginning because she is also an extrovert and we did so much all week. Now I have younger kids and need to stay home much more, and this is so hard for me. I’ve also struggled with learning that as my responsibilities at home increase, I don’t need to, and shouldn’t, be trying to keep my fingers in everything going on outside my home. To top it off, my husband, a wonderful guy, is very introverted, and when he comes home from work or has a day off, he just needs to decompress on his own some, something I’m still trying to understand and not take personally. 🙂 Thank goodness for the blogging world and the forums…it’s a lifeline for me sometimes.
I remember taking this test in my Catholic high school years, in Sister Virginia’s psych class. She was one of the most influential teachers I ever had. I am an ESFJ…but I am on the very lowest end of Extrovert (without being an Introvert) there is. I find that my need for social interaction is completely satisfied just by chatting with fellow moms at tiny tots tumbling class or sharing a cup of coffee with a friend while our preschoolers play together in our homes. Otherwise, I am so very content to be an at-home mom and do the daily routine of family life. What else I find so interesting are the “career choices/recommendations” for my particular personality type. Before I was a mom, I was in the social services field, which is exactly what’s recommended for my personality type. Sr. Virginia gave us several personality tests with career recommendations back in my HS days, and all of them turned up with the social services recommendations. It’s just so interesting to do these tests and I think in lots of ways it helps us learn so much more about what makes us tick!
It’s really very fun!
Thanks! 🙂
This is an interesting topic to me because lately when I pray the sorrowful mysteries, specifically the 4th one, I always wind up thinking that my heaviest cross is my personality . . . does that even make sense? I envy my “sisters” who are more naturally contemplative, who think before they speak (if they speak at all), who seem to enjoy the hermitage of home and don’t share my restlessness to to get out of the house and be with adults talking about ideas. I am extreme in my extroversion and it lately feels burdensome. I continually offer my restlessness and loneliness to Our Lady and Jesus and I am confident they assist me . . . but it is a struggle and a continual dying to self (which I think should be over by now!). ==== Mary Ann Budnik wrote a book about this very topic which is titled something like “If You Want Happy Children Teach Them Virtue”. In the first half of the book she helps you identify your child’s temperament and then identifies by temperament which virtues and vices will come easier to this “flavor” child. She also lists saints and their temperaments. Very encouraging! But don’t read it at night because your head will be swimming – in a good way 😉
Oh great. I took the test (results: ENTJ) and have come to the realization that Margaret Thatcher, Golda Meir and I have the same personality type. Which probably explains why I have this deep seated desire to run my own country and be obeyed at every single command I give my poor children! Thanks for linking to this. It’s been eye opening.
I love the Myers-Briggs. I remember being floored when I first read about my type – it fits me to a T. I’m an INFP and very, very introverted. It’s hard being so introverted in a world dominated my extraverts, but it’s nice to know that everyone struggles, even extraverts. I had previously thought that extraverts had it so easy. 🙂
I stand in awe of introverted moms who homeschool. There’s no way I could ever do it.
I think the whole personality thing when it links to families is so interesting. It’s interesting how enriching it can be for family life when you understand each other’s different personalities and needs. An example: I am a an extrovert, community-building, freedom-loving adventurer. When my son was little, I loved nothing more than toddler groups, play-grounds, meetings at friends’ houses and walks in the woods. My son is a more thoughtful, sensitive, chill-out homebird. One day, he said to me.: ‘I think we need equal days going on adventures and equal days at home.’ He’s so right. Without stay-home days, I’d burn out (and the laundry would pile up!). Without adventure-days, he wouldn’t experience lots of exciting new things. Once I understood the need for balance, we all became a lot happier. What is it to learn through your kids!
Midwest Mom and Mel — How did we end with these introverted husbands?? I know, opposites attract! It took me a long time, too, to not feel hurt or take things personally when I wanted to go out on a Friday night and he just wanted to stay home, etc. We reached a compromise and decided that on Saturdays we’d go somewhere as a family or have friends over, etc., if Sundays I could just let him relax. We’ve more or less kept to that and we’re both happy. As for the kids — lately my oldest (3) has been frightened by big crowds; she doesn’t like loud noises, and every time another kid at a playgroup or even at the library screams (sometimes too loud, yes, but sometimes I don’t even notice) she gets hysterical and cries and clings to me. I’ve had to cut down on our activities because of this… another isolating incident for me! It’s something I believe she’ll grow out of (I hope!). I have to admit that I went to playgroups and signed up for a ton of things for me probably more than her! So I miss it. *sigh* Something else to offer up.
“Midwest Mom and Mel — How did we end with these introverted husbands?? I know, opposites attract!”
heehee…
It took me a long time to really understand what it means to be introverted. I come from a family full of extroverts, except for my youngest brother…my calls him “emotionally constipated” and he is surely different from the rest of us, who I guess would have, um….emotional diarrhea? lol… Anyway, to me, for years, being introverted meant being backwards and unsocial. It took some reading on introverted personalities to realize that stuff that was fun for me was actually exhausting and stressful for him. And he’s not backwards and unsocial at all, really, in the right circumstances…in fact, he’s a nurse, and a great one! His patients and their families love him, because he’s a good listener and has that caretaker personality. He’s great one on one. 🙂
Sorry, my post came out really weird because I had a 3yo trying to “help” me type… 🙂
It’s my dh that’s the nurse, not my brother…
I have been and INFP on the Meyers-Briggs scale since I first took the test back in the 9th grade. Wouldn’ t you know I married and ESTJ (my exact opposite). On top of an introverted personality I also suffer from social anxiety disorder. Being a mom has been difficult in some ways for me. I dreaded going to childbirth class (which turned out to be waste of time when my daughter refused to turn and I had to have a c-section). I stay totally tuned into my kids at the park to the point that I am aware of other mothers staring at me because I’m not interacting with them at all. I find an excuse out of going to all mothers groups. I didn’t need La Leche League because I was blessed with babies who already knew how to breastfeed. I don’t want to go to weekend play groups because as a mother who works outside of the home, the weekend is MY time to spend with MY children. I often feel like this tendency of mine may be in some ways detrimental to my children. My son is a friendly, outgoing baby but my one-year-old daughter is already showing some tendencies of SAD.
In a way it is a good thing I spend 40 hours a week outside of my home. Work is my primary outlet to meet other moms and they push the issue of playdates so my kids do go on a few and play with some other kids. And although my husband works nights and stays home with our son during the day, we send our daughter to daycare to give her exposure to other children and help to bring her out of her shell. (She also has a speech delay and mimicking the sounds and behavior of other children is very beneficial according to the speech therapists we have talked to.) If I were a SAHM, I would probably only go out to get groceries and go to mass.
I don’t feel a need to change who I am, but I do feel a need to modify some of my behaviors so that my daughter will see it is okay to be introverted, but we cannot allow ourselves to be handicapped by these tendencies. No, it’s not always comfortable, but rarely following God is comfortable and I know he is guiding me to be an introverted Mom who can go out of her comfort zone to benefit her children.
Hi Danielle,
Thanks for a lovely post about one of my favorite psychology subjects! I’m an ENFJ (almost in the middle of the E/I scale) married to my exact opposite. It’s been a wonderful marriage in that we’ve learned to appreciate the other end of the spectrum. It’s also made it easier to parent together, in that we can work together as a team in giving the kids what they need. With one introvert and one extrovert daughter, we have a real diverse group!
One of the real advantages to the Myers-Briggs, in my opinion, was that it helped me to understand why I got along or worked so well with some people, while others made me crazy. I try to remember that as my youngest knows how to push certain buttons in me even today!
Just another wonderful example of how God knits us each together in our own unique way!!
Thank you so much for this eloquent post. I, too, have found that it has helped me so much just to understand this part of my personality. I recently had a Birkman personality inventory done (my husband’s employer paid for it), and on a scale of 1-100 with 100 being most extroverted, I was a 1. One! Really, it has helped me tremendously to understand that part of my personality.
I feel like I can be a better wife and mother by understanding what sorts of situations are going to make me feel pushed to my limit. It also helps me when I’m trying to help fellow moms — e.g. I once gave advice to a friend who was struggling with leaving the workforce for motherhood, and I kept emphasizing that she needed a little down time to read or be by herself. She was able to get that, but was still unhappy. Now she’s happy and thriving, and it’s because she ended up filling her weeks with lots of activities. Of course I see now that she is a big extrovert and therefore has an entirely different set of needs that I do.
Anyway, another great post! Keep up the good work. Your insightful, balanced posts are always such a delight to read.
Jen, the times I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs (not the official version, just online tests) I’ve almost always come out as 100% introverted. It makes me feel better to know that there’s at least one other person out there who’s 100% introverted. 🙂 I had always felt like it was something to be ashamed of or something I just had to change, but I don’t think there’s any way of changing it. It’s just the way I am. Although it is possible to overcome my shyness (which is different from introversion), and in fact I have overcome a lot of my shyness over the years.
There’s a Catholic psychologist who wrote a book called “The Temperment God Gave You”, mentioned earlier, that given an excellect Catholic perspective on what our temperements are, what those of our spouse/children are, and how to best handle them all in a family. For example, I’m choleric and my son is melancholic, and the author (Art Bennett) gives very specific, insightful tips on how these 2 opposite personalities can best work together in a Catholic parent-child relationship. Same goes for spousal personality conflicts. Very interesting, very helpful book.