Good morning, all! Here’s a little something to go with our coffee today. I used a whole cup of milk and substituted whole wheat for half of the white flour. Now they’re health food! What’s on your minds today?
UPDATE: Duh. Perhaps I should open comments.
[tags]catholic moms, discussion[/tags]
What a thought provoking exchange today, ladies.
Do any of you have a children’s holy hour at your parish? I’m looking for suggestions. We have done this before and have a good format already. I’m looking for suggestions to fill a slot in the hour where an older child reads a story (in effect the catechesis). I like children’s stories about the Eucharist, and saint stories are always appropriate. Resource suggestions? Ideas? I already have the Caryll Houselander books. Thanks.
Michelle,
I live in a very social neighborhood (there are 30 children on the block!) and I don’t think you have to say anything to the parents or to your children about not being allowed to play at this neighbor’s house. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. If the kid invites your children over, just simply say no and leave it at that. Children don’t need detailed explanations for everything.
regarding potty training? have you tried getting them their own little potty? if so and this didn’t work, i wouldn’t worry about it too much. they will grow out of it eventually and i think the best approach is to not force the issue. otherwise it can become a power struggle. i know parents who’s children learned very late and they are just fine.
caroline, first CONGRATULATIONS! however, i can understand and relate to those early emotional struggles to a surprise pregnancy. as to when to tell family, i agree with the other posters to wait until you really feel secure and happy….that way if their response is less than joyful right away (they will come around), you will be ready to deal with that emotionally. if you are a little taken aback by being pregnant it can hurt all the more when someone isn’t sounding all that happy about it. so just be patient with yourself and your family. it will all work out.
I have a very good friend who is a grandmother of a child concieved by rape. She has begun a blog and is looking for true life stories of pro-life situations concerning conception after rape. Her website address is: http.//consecratedchildren.blogspot.com/
It is a very inspiring site and I thought of it with regards to the 2two parent adoption question.
Regarding the lack of men who want to be real men-
question was asked- “And for my son- how do I raise him to be a manly man when there is a total lack of male role models around.”
We have 6 children- 3 boys and 3 girls, 10 and under- so we haven’t had to deal with this yet, but I guess you are always dealing with it, being that we raise children to be adults. My advice would be to surround yourself with young families who believe the same things you do. One way we have done that is by being part of Regnum Christi. My husband and I both felt called to that many years ago (before children) and I realize now how many benefits there are for us personally (in the availability of formation opportunities in our faith) and for our children- Conquest boys club for boys and the Challenge clubs for girls. It is my sense that the Legionaries, as an order, really understand what makes boys “boys” and girls “girls” and they really know how to teach proper roles to each. Of course, my husband and I try to be good examples that our children will hopefully one date emulate.
God bless.
Comments about men and boys have got me thinking…
I’m in a “study hall” right now (my “Danielle Break”). I teach in a public high school and, let me tell you, as hopeful as I am about youth, sometimes I am very discouraged by what the general public calls “acceptable”. My students do and say and support things that I cannot accept. Sometimes I don’t know how to respond, but often I try to share my thoughts and, whether or not I call those thoughts “Catholic”, I believe they are. I really struggle not only with the ideas of how to support the true, and sometimes quite hidden, goodness in these kids, but also with what my own children might be like as a result of growing up in this world. Sometimes I think, “I need to teach in a Catholic school”, but honestly, we live in a world that (I think) is better pursuaded to goodness by being “inflitrated” by Catholics than separated from us. To all of you parents who care and worry and make those difficult and good decisions, thank you. As a teacher in a public school, I wish I could send all students home to people like you!
Our daughter was the same way. The book Toilet Training Without Tears by Charles E. Shaefer really helped us. I let her wear panties until she needed to poop. When it was time to poop, she told me and we put on a diaper/pull up. She could go anywhere in the house she wanted. Eventually we got her to go in the bathroom. Then we told her poop goes in the potty and while watching us put it in the toilet. She got to flush then wash her hands. Eventually she got it and yours will too.
She really enjoyed You can go to the potty by William Sears and Tinkle, Tinkle Little Tot by Bruce Lansky (a songbook about going potty)
Hi,
my first post here.
I like to bulk cook and freeze ahead. The last time I made enchiladas I didn’t let the black beans cook long enough. I didn’t realize this until after they were in the freezer and I was eating some leftovers that I didn’t freeze. I usually thaw them and bake them in the oven. If I try to cook them in the crock pot will that help the beans cook fully? Is it harmful to eat beans that weren’t fully cooked?
Thanks
Regarding momofsome’s statement, “My problem is putting a child in a situation, which isn’t a family, because there isn’t a father” :
I am adamantly pro-father. My husband and I have three little ones, and no one needs to convince me of a father’s value to his family. However, I grew up without one (he left, and then he was killed shortly after), in a home with a mother and sister. Less than a mile away lived my very loving and supportive maternal grandmother and grandfather. I have cousins and aunts and uncles. Call me crazy, but I’ve always been under the impression that I had a family! In any case, I’d take the situation I was raised in (whether you’d like to call it a family or not) over living in a foreign orphanage where.
I realize my tone is curt, but the statement, and even the topic, begs controversy, if not gossip.
To Momofsome on single parent adoptions ~ forgive me if this concern has already been addressed (I’m pressed for time and haven’t been able to read through all the comments, I’m afraid), but, I wouldn’t worry so much about the fact that a person was single in adopting a child, so much as what the situation would be for the child at home. I can’t imagine the mother is not a working mother and so will not spend most days at home. If the child will be adopted and placed into daycare, I definitely think it’s not a good idea (I worked in the day care industry for many years and can tell you it is NOT a good idea), but if the child has a loving grandparent or some similar situation, where s/he will be raised in a stable family environment, why not? St. Theresa (along with many other saints and wonderful people) were raised without the benefit of one or the othe parent. One faithful parent with a good family network can and do raise perfectly wonderful children. And if it’s a child with limited chance for adoption otherwise, the single mom may be saving a soul.
I think most kids go through a sassy phase at some point. Don’t be alarmed. You’re not a bad parent, your child is totally normal. When I notice a sassy phase coming on I immediately enact the timeout method. At the first sign of sass or rude face I place them on a timeout based on age (1 min./1 year). Now timeout in our house means this. You are to stand facing the back hallway wall, with your hands to your sides and your feet together. No noise, tapping, humming, etc. is allowed. No turning around. The timer is set and you wait for the timer to go off and to be excused. If any of these rules are broken for even a second, the timer starts over. One of my more strong willed children once stood for 45 minutes before she realized that I meant business; after that she stood for her 6 minutes following all the rules. Now this may sound a little harsh for some, but I’ve found that after a couple of days of this type of timeout most difficult behavior problems will come to a screeching halt. The key is consistency. Sometimes the bad behavior comes back in a couple months or a year. I just start the timeout thing again. Now this will work for kids up to the age of 10ish. I’m still working on what works for the 11 year old.
In reference to vasectomy reversals, check out one more soul website. They have a wonderful book of personal testomonies of couples who have reversed sterilizations. Also there is a yahoogroup Catholic Reversal Discussion Group (Catholic-RDG)
Relative to the potty issue. A potty chair is certainly one solution for the fear of the toilet. Our little girl was more comfortable sitting backwards on the toilet for quite awhile. She sat facing the tank and since the front of the seat is shaped a little less wide she felt more secure, also she could reach out and grab the tank if she felt like she was going to fall in. Somehow that seemed to work for her. Potty chairs really are not a bad option for the beginning, but this option worked in public toilets as well, even though there generally isn’t anything much to grab onto there.. Even when there was an opening in the front of the seat it seemed to work better for her than facing the other way until she was bigger. She was a tiny mite when she potty trained. She was two and a half, but she only weighed about 23 lbs. Maybe that’s why the big toilet felt so enormous the other way round.
Re: Children’s Holy Hour
http://www.childrenofhope.org/
Kris, I think I recommended the book “Love and Logic for Early Childhood” by Jim and Charles Fay last week to someone else, but we use a lot of the ideas from this book with our 4.5 year old who is also starting to be a bit sassy (which he picks up here and there, neighbors, kids at the park…we don’t watch TV except for Bob the Builder, and I’ve never seen Wendy sass Bob.) Some of the “natural” consequences I’ve found helpful: “Oh, no, that is so sad. Boys who speak so rudely don’t get dessert. I give sweets to children who act sweet.” And then I make it a point to give dessert to the other children. Or, CHORES 🙂 “It really drains my energy when you make those faces at me. What are you going to do to put it back?” (And then I usually give 2 or 3 choices of chores that he can handle and that are reflective of the level of sassiness, etc. he just displayed.) We’ve been really using it regularly now for a couple of weeks and now when he starts to backtalk, I just say “Oh, no. This is sad.) and he generally stops. Anyway, I don’t know if you’ll find any of this helpful, but I wish you good luck.
Hi Cindy!!!
I also love quinoa!!! I started eating it a few months ago when I went on a gluten free diet. I love it for breakfast with fruit, plain as a side dish and mixed with beans, garlic and onions as a main dish. It is actually a complete protein by itself! That makes it VERY healthy. My kids love it too! Hubby tolerates it at times LOL. It has the texture of couscous, but has a different flavor. Try it! You’ll like it!!!
Re: 5 year old who refuses to do #2 on the toilet.
Last year I had a boy in my class who wouldn’t go. He held it in and we had to call his mom at least twice a week to come and get him. Well, low and behold, a month before school ended he came out of the bathroom one day and announced very proudly “My Mom is going to be so proud of me!! I just pooped in the potty!!!!” So, the moral behind this story is………….. Little boys grow up eventually. Not as fast as we like sometimes, but they do grow up and use the potty.
About potty training…we also found that the pullups were not helping our son really learn when he needed to go to the potty. I bought 3 cloth training pants (Imse Vimse Organic Training Pant was the brand I used) and it only took a couple of weeks before he started getting pretty consistent with knowing when to go. I really recommend this particular brand because they have a waterproof layer. They are not particularly thick, so they won’t hold everything if the child’s bladder is really full, but they do help a lot.
Andi — That’s wonderful news about the vasectomy reversal! I hope that it goes well and that you experience many blessings in your life because of it. Christopher West has a very clear and convincing way of boiling down JPII’s Theology of the Body that’s so beautiful, and I’ve seen his books touch the hearts of others besides your husband, too!
Family Size and telling people: We’ve experience a certain amount of incredulity from certain family members when we mention that we aren’t sure how many children we’ll have — what they’re asking is when we’re going to stop, but of course, in humility, we don’t have *any* idea, since other factors besides a number we might be holding in our heads come into play. It was difficult telling some people even that we’re having #3, and we’re hoping that there are more after this one…My husband decided to wait longer to tell his side of the family this time, since they’re the ones we experience most of the negativity from.
to andi-
i don’t know if you’re still out there, but i just read your post. I too was part of a Familia group and my husband also had his vasectomy reversed because of what I learned there!!!
We had to go to Maryland (we live in NY) because we found a dr. thru one more soul who would do the surgery for a “discounted” price. Our insurance would not cover it.
He had the surgery in April and by the end of may we were pregnant with our 5th!!!!
It was the most joyous time of my life. Even if I hadn’t been able to conceive I would have been content knowing we were once again leaving things in God’s hands.
Good Luck to you- I will be praying for you
Sorry Sally, I called you Cindy. It has been a longggggggggg day. Anyway Sally I love quinoa as you can see from the post to Cindy! I think I may have MENTALpause.
Thanks for the replies about the sassiness. We actually have been TV free for a year this month! We let them watch educational videos and or more wholesome entertainment shows on the computer DVD player-so we know that it doesn’t come from shows. It stems more from him being very strong willed and trying to exert that to the very best of his ability to get what he wants. It’s a phase, but one that I am not very skilled in dealing with so I believe that it escalates. We are currently trying a method of whatever he was edging for with the sassiness is exactly what he doesn’t get as a logical consequence. Time outs have always been ineffective for this child. He may calm down and do the time but there is never a reduction in the habit of sass over all, which is what I am trying to achieve. Teaching him how to respect others. I am glad to hear that it is a normal phase at this age! Thank You!
Andi, I would strongly recommend Mary Reed Newland’s books, especially _How to Raise Good Catholic Children_ and _The Saints and Our Children_. These are still in print or easily obtained used. She wrote and illustrated as well books for children, including a dear one on the life of Saint Catherine of Siena, but I fear it’s really out of print.
Re: Getting Along w/ your Mother —
I grew up in a family that did not know how to communicate with each other. My brother and I were raised to respect our parents, which in and of itself is not certainly not a bad idea; however, it was enforced mostly through fear. Needless to say, I’ve always had a difficult relationship w/my mom. Like you, talking on the phone was fine, but I got really stressed out whenever she came to visit. She seemed too critical of my parenting/housekeeping abilities and spoiled my children too much.
My solution, discovered with the help of my husband who came from a very communicative family, was to break the communication barrier. Be honest. It’s hard, not only to say how you feel but to also do it calmly. I told her and my dad how my daughter would be overly disobedient for a few days after they left, and that we basically had to start reinforcing our rules from our scratch each time. That sunk in, and they’ve been doing a better job of disciplining when they come (which is every 6-8 weeks). I have also had to reiterate that it’s okay to have a big family, and that having lots of material things don’t matter. That you have to be open to God’s will.
I know my situation is different b/c my mom and I are both cradle Catholics. But you have to say, “This is what I believe. I’m old enough to make decisions for me and my family. I would appreciate it if you would trust me.” If she’s imparting ideas/her own beliefs to your kids that you think she shouldn’t be, then you must draw the line.
RE: UNDERCOOKED BEANS
Beans that aren’t fully cooked aren’t harmful, per se, but they will cause A LOT more gas than fully cooked beans. I would just put the frozen beans back in the pot (or in a crockpot) with enough water to cover and let them simmer until they are fully cooked. In the future, you can test the doneness of beans by breaking one open or tasting one. It should be creamy all the way through without any chalkiness in the center.
thanks for that tip, but they are already wrapped in the enchilada so hopefully they’ll cook fully in the crock pot without overdoing the already cooked meat in the enchilada
How funny! There are 2 of us “Andi”s here in Danielleland today!! I’m the one with the husband who is having the vasectomy reversal!
Thanks for your story, Dina! It is encouraging to me! We live in Colorado & found a dr. in Oklahoma that does them at a discounted rate. we are hoping to have it done at the beginning of the year. I still haven’t called for all of the information yet, but am looking forward to him having it done. I look forward to putting our fertility back into God’s hands, whatever the outcome (though another baby or two would be nice!!)
Great discussion today–lots of interesting things to read!
I think the “father/family” discussion can get heated, but I think there’s a HUGE difference between giving societal approval to “intentionally fatherless/motherless families” (i.e., gay couples who use either adoption or artificial reproductive techniques to ‘have’ children as part of their push for marriage “rights”) and children who are *already* fatherless being adopted by a loving Catholic/Christian single parent who intends to raise them in the faith. There are many children with special needs or other issues who may thrive in a single-parent environment but who are difficult to place with a more traditional family; it’s good to remember that in these situations the choice isn’t “father/fatherless” but “family/institutional care.”
A funny thing to share: the local tractor supply company had a huge sign on Sunday that read “Mother’s Day Sale! Come In and See Our Great Savings!” I was laughing at the idea of a Mother’s Day sale at a tractor supply store when my oldest dd piped up, “It’s not silly at all, Mom! There are moms who farm! Why, just think of Danielle Bean!” 🙂
Getting along with your mother,
I just sped-read through the replies on this, so hopefully I am not repeating information.
I have also had some trouble regarding communication in my extended family, and for a basic primer on boundary issues (which is what this sounds like), I recommend “Boundaries” by Townsend and McCloud. Although they are not Catholic, this book approaches boundary issues from a very solid Christian perspective. I have found it to be very helpful in several areas of my life (I have pulled it out as a reference several times for different situations I have encountered).
If you want to quickly evaluate the book, read the introduction which I believe is called something like “A Boundaryless Life” (you just feel so bad for the woman whose life is described there) and then read the conclusion and the difference in the woman’s life is remarkable.
My prayers are with you, I know that family issues like this can be really tough.
GREAT book sale at Couple to Couple League! It is featured on the back of the latest issue of “Family Foundations.” I don’t know that the list of SIGNIFICANTLY discounted books is on their website or not. The list contains several great books, including the Dr. Sears series (at 75% off!!!!). 1-800-745-8252.
Re:trout pic
Danielle, is this an invitation? Put us down for five. Now, how to get from New Mexico to Connecticut by dinnertime…
I don’t know anything about the Laura Ingraham situation (except what I’ve seen here), but in general…I know it is better for children to have a parent rather than an institution, but I think there is a difference between the non-choice situations some others mentioned (having a father who left or died, but this is not the fault, obviously, of the family members who are left) and a situation that is chosen by the adult. I think it just feeds into the whole culture’s idea that children and marriage are not connected and that single women who want “fulfillment” can and should get that fulfillment through adopting (or using other means to have) kids.
i know exactly what you are feeling and dealing with. it is such a tough thing to go through….all the persecution from the ones closest to us. but remember that our Lord said that there was to be persecution and that family members would be against eachother. not that that makes us ‘feel’ any better, of course. we are expecting our 6th and since our 2nd baby, we’ve gotten the talks, the looks, the nastiness of it all. for this last baby when we told them….we told them in an email so that way they could get upset and say whatever they felt about it to eachother and not directly to us.
it hurts so much to hear it or see their reaction so we choose not to see or hear it. it took them 2 days to return the email but it was SO much better than the former. we told them in a cute little picture drawn by one of my children, it was a soft way to announcing it. and we did not tell them till we were 3 1/2 months along. let me tell you…it was tough to go through the first trimester and not lead on that i felt AWFUL!
God bless you. praying for you.
RE: Single parent adoption
A piece of my story: I was 22, single, and pregnant. I was a college graduate with a very loving Catholic family and at 8 months pregnant after much painful deliberation I chose adoption for my daughter based solely on the belief that she deserved a mother AND a father from day one of her life. Now I am married with two children and my husband (who was a good friend back when I was single and pregnant) grieved my decision to give up my daughter along with me. It was very difficult for me because I know I could have given her a good and happy life but I KNOW God asked me to offer her and the family who I chose for her something EVEN BETTER.
All that being said, I am sure you are thinking as you read that I would NOT be in favor of single parent adoption. And I am not in favor of a single Catholic adopting a healthy newborn, because I know there are many many couples waiting for babies. I WOULD, however, support it in situations where children are unlikely to be adopted otherwise and as long as there is a good support system for the single Catholic seeking to adopt.
I know I haven’t said anything new here, but I wanted to weigh in from the perspective of a person who has made the challenging decision of who my child will belong to and why.
Hi Elizabeth,
About teaching in public schools: I’m a public high school teacher, too, and there are times when I long to teach in a Catholic school so I could be “out there” with my faith. But, like you, I realize the importance of being a good role model to my kids and getting out in the non-Catholic world.
I’m not knocking anyone who does teach in Catholic schools — I went to Catholic schools and had a great experience, and thank God for those dedicated teachers! For me, I feel called to be in the public school system. I think of Jesus getting out in the world and engaging with all kinds of folk, even those who were radically different from Him. That’s the model I like to work from. And with my colleagues, I can and do discuss faith … lots of them came to my oh-so-Catholic wedding and it was great to be able to witness that to them.
And my students … well, the virtues of love and generosity and integrity and honesty are ones that I try to share with them (even if I don’t call them Christian). I’m an English teacher and I teach the play A Man for All Seasons about St Thomas More. THAT leads to interesting discussions! Lots of kids think he’s crazy to give up his life for a religious belief because they’ve never been raised with a particular religion themselves. But I hope that a seed is being planted, and that maybe someday — in five or ten or twenty years — it will make sense to them that someone could love an “abstract ideal” so much.
about potty training: I have 4 children- my first son took a long time to potty train. Nothing worked…not even rewards. Then one day, when he was about 3 1/2 he went to the potty all by himself and announced to everyone that he would no longer be using diapers. After my first son I had triplets. They were born 13 weeks premature. They were all late potty trainers. We tried everything, all the books, all the tricks, nothing worked. Two of them potty trained in one day at 4 years old. I just asked them one morning, do you guy want to stop wearing diapers and use the potty? They said yes and that was the end of it. The other one wanted nothing to do with potty training them. Finally, she would pee in the potty, but not poop in the potty for several months. Then one day, she announced to me that she pooped in the potty and would no long be wearing diapers. The moral of my story? For baby #5 (if and when) – we are going to not worry about potty training, not waste money on books about potty training and let it happen when they decided the time is right, because believe it or not, it will eventually happen.
Red,
That is hilarious! I admit that I would have been disappointed with a tractor for Mother’s Day, but I LOVE that your daughter called me a “farming” woman. Give her a big hug from me!
Amy,
You are too late. We had the trout last night. We took the heads off first, though. And when I say “we” I mean my husband. I did the breading and frying once they looked like they came from the grocer’s. Only problem is now the entire house smells like fish. Should I just open windows or do any of you fishermen’s wives have other tricks for airing out?
Re: telling family about pregnancy
Congratulation on your pregnancy! It is always hard when family members don’t share in the joy. My second child has special needs. The pregnancies after that were not met with enthusiasm by relatives. My grandmother actually cried and told me how sorry she felt for me. I’ve learned to get over it and now with my five children I am always telling others how blessed we are. Yes, it is difficult when they are young, but they grow fast and I look forward to a wonderful future with with my children and grandchildren. I don’t let what others think bother me anymore. In time most of them have come around. The important thing is that I feel we are doing our best to to lead the life has called us to lead and put our trust in him.
Oops. I mean to lead the life God has called us to live and put our trust in Him. (Sorry, a baby on my lap)
This trick works – honest! Take a dish towel, hold it by one corner, stand in the middle of the room, and whirl it over your head, kinda like a helicopter. Really get it moving! If you have a ceiling fan with dangling chains, a chandlier, or anything else low hanging, either sit in a chair or kneel down to do this. I’ve also read to wet the towel with vinegar, wring out well, and whirl, but a dry one has usually been sufficient for me. Fried fish does tend to linger, doesn’t it?
–a fishdaughter then a fishwife, but a catch-and-release girl, myself :>)
Joan, I kinda like the name Cindy 🙂 I, too, am gluten free and was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which led me to quinoa. It’s fantastic stuff, isn’t it!? I still need to try millet, but can’t get past the fact that I used to buy it for my parakeet.
re: adoption
I disagree that the single women who want to adopt should not go for the newborn healthy babies because we should leave those kids for married couples.
I think it sounds crazy. Why shouldn’t the married couples be the ones to stand up and take the kids with special needs as it would appear they have more resources?
It also brings up another thing for me. I saw the documentary of the gay (white, male) couple in Florida that fostered aids/drug addicted babies (at least 4 or 5 of them). Although, I disagree with their lifestyle I was touched by the love and care they gave these kids. At I can’t reconcile my beliefs in this situation. The married faithfilled couples are not lining up at the door to adopt and foster these kids. I can’t help but feel like a hypocrite. These kids did better with this gay couple then they would have in the foster care system.
I don’t think it is right to step aside and let the married couples have all the healthy newborns but the special kids can go into the less than ideal homes..
This is obviously a huge topic with many so many factors to consider. Too many children without a home, it really weighs on my heart. I also wonder if opinions would be different if it were a single Catholic man who wanted to adopt.
Fishy smell solution:
Brownies….muffins, bread, or anything else that will produce a better odor. Its not 100%, but no one ever seems to complain about the results around here! 🙂
Thanks # V. I am an English teacher, too! I teach 10th and 12th grade, and now I’m wondering if I could teach A Man for All Seasons for my 12th grade classes. They would probably love the break from Shakespeare and we cover British Literature that year, so it isn’t “off topic”. I read that play in college for a British Lit. class. Did you encounter any issues when you started teaching it in a public school? I doubt it is on the curriculum map, but there is some flexibility at my school. Hmmm. Now the wheels are turning. Thanks for the summer project! Also, do you have any materials or ideas that have worked in the past? I’d really love to keep in touch. My email is eawilliams@henrico.k12.va.us
Hi everyone, Sorry I am a day late but the whole family skipped school and work yesterday for a Mental Health Day. Stress has been building for reasons such as; I was involved in a car accident a couple weeks ago when an elderly man didn’t see a stop sign, ran it and hit my car. My husband has an upcoming court hearing from three years ago when a drunk driver tried to run over his car. Leaving him with permanent back and neck damage and forcing him to sue our insurance company to pay his medical bills since the drunk driver had no insurance. The kids were feeling the stress of the end of the school year with finals etc. So we just all took a day at a local amusement park where the kids rode rides and hubby and I just walked around . Here is my two cents on some of the conversations if anyone is still looking for another view.
Getting along with your Mother,
I have a similar problem only with my Mother in Law. After nineteen, years of praying and bending over backwards I find that for My sanity, the sanity of my children ( ages now almost 18,15 and almost 12) and even the sanity of my husband ( he can’t enjoy my constant venting:-) )I must limit the times that we visit to only a few a year and not for extended amounts of time. I have learnt to love her, if for nothing more than giving birth to my husband .I also demand that my children do the same .This probably isn’t the answer you are looking for but for me Sometimes things never change and for now this is the best that I can do.
Michelle
I would simply thank the neighbor for the offer but decline stating that( since you state that the kids don’t really want to go anyway) those particular children are not comfortable playing away from home. If you have the time you could also possibly invite the Mother to come over sometime with her child and get to know her. Maybe she is not quite as bad as you think. This time would also open the door for you to work into conversation the fact that you don’t let your children watch certain TV shows etc. She may just take the hint and agree to abide by your wishes if your children were there or at least get the hint and not ask.
As far as men who don’t want to” be men” , get married and have families.
This might sound a bit odd especially coming from a woman( a married one at that) but maybe( just maybe) the women who feel this way need to take a good look at themselves. Is it possible that the problem could be you ? I have friends ages twenty to in their forties who are single and constantly making the same comments yet these same women are also the ones who want their perfect fantasy guy. One will not date a nice man who is not college educated ,” I need an intellectual” she tells me. One is five foot ten inches tall and will not give a guy shorter than her a second look.One is devout Catholic and the thought of dating even a Catholic man,not as devout as she, unacceptable. the list goes on and on. Add to this list that many women are playing marriage before the vows, which makes it real easy for a guy to be comfortable where he is instead of taking that next big step .I am not saying that this is always the case but in my experience it is ninety five percent of the time. I don’t want to offend but maybe this is just something to think about.
Christina,
Yes the crock pot will cook your beans fully . On the stove I never seem to cook them long enough (even hours doesn’t seem to be enough) but in the crock pot with the lid on gets them perfect.
cindy….. UHHHHH SALLY
He He he !!! I have the same sentiments about millet. Birdseed. UGHHHH.. Quinoa on the other hand ROCKS!! So, do you feel better since going gluten free? It’s like night and day for me!!! Haven’t had the “tests”, but had a really really bad reaction last week to Wise BBQ chips, (didn’t read the label first). Utz is gluten free, so I honestly didnt’ think about it. It was not so Wise to eat Wise potato chips.
Hi all,
Sorry it’s taken me such a long to get back on here.
About a fatherless home not being a “family”, I was trying (unsuccessfully) to say what Anna said: that there is a difference between a mom who is single but not by her choosing (husband left, died, etc.) and a mom who chooses to bring a child into her home and call it a family. I’m sorry, but that smacks of the whole Barney the Dinosaur “any group of people that loves each other is a family”. I’m not saying that there aren’t faith-filled, Catholic single moms out there, struggling. There are. I was one of them. But there are also single women out there wanting to adopt to complete their “family”. And the truth is that they can’t, really. Find “completeness”, that is, by simply choosing to raise a child without a father.
I’ve been reflecting on everything that people have said, and I understand that now we have another baptized soul in the world who wouldn’t have been otherwise. Yes! Praise God! A child is now surrounded by loving people and not in an institution. Hooray! But I think my problem is here is the matter of losing sight of the ideal. I think we all agree that a mother and a father is the ideal. It just seems that when we start defining families in other ways (given my caveats above, please) the lines get blurry. And I don’t like blurry lines. Yes, one more of my struggles. 🙂
Thank you, everyone, for this discussion. I was hesitant to start it, knowing it could become contentious.
It is a mistake for us to say a single woman who adopts a child is not a family but a mom who is single because her husband died or left is. I think it is not appropriate to judge the intentions or heart of someone else or to assume their motives are to get “completeness.” Perhaps what is in their heart is pure compassion for the millions of orphaned kids in the world who are not being adopted by “real families”
I’m also wondering if you would carry this idea to a single woman who has an unplanned pregnancy. A woman I know gave her daughter up for adoption. As a result she very stongly opposes that any single woman should raise her child. She believes they should all choose adoption. Maybe that helps her validate her own decision. But to put that on all women is not right.
I do think the desire to have every child on the planet in a loving Christian home with a mother and a father is a wonderful ideal. However, it is not the reality.
Please know I write this in peace. I know you can’t read my tone but I appreciate this type of dialogue. I know your thoughts come from a love of kids and wanting them to all be brought up in love with a mom and a dad.
Hi Joan–the fact that I came back here to see if you responded is pretty funny…Here’s my email: sallyterpsichore@yahoo.com, that way I won’t miss anything. I do feel better, but had more tests done just last week to determine what else may be going on as it’s been nearly two years and I’m still not “normal.” I have a bag of Utz chips sitting in my cupboard at home right now! 🙂 Most plain potato chips are fine, oddly, even though real food seems to be a struggle. Send me an email and we can have a chat. I have a gluten free cooking blog of my own 🙂
Thank you, PM, for your peaceful dialogue. This is what I am seeking as well. In fact, that is what I am trying to do by “talking” about concepts rather than people. I’m not sitting up here in my ivory tower saying “you are a family…you are not”. That isn’t my place. I’m trying to look at this through the concept lens precisely because we CAN’T say “you are good/holy enough to adopt…you aren’t”. That is why I appreciate this anonymous conversation, as well. I could be trading controversial ideas here with my next-door neighbor and not even know it. This is a reflection of what women do: ponder things in their hearts.
So, to conclude, simply: I am not defining what a family is for anyone. I am just sensitive to the redefinition of the family as reflected so much in today’s society (gay marriage/adoption, anyone?)
And as for single women who adopt to have “completeness”, I’m not accusing anyone of that motivation. I’m referring to women who actually say that that IS their motivation.
Quinoa is great… or will be once I get around to cooking it (I only really eat it when I’m back home). As for millet, I have cooked it for myself once. The only time I cook with it is when it goes in bread, otherwise it’s for filling juggling balls and feeding birds, right?