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Hope you all enjoyed a wonderful long weekend.
I heard on the radio that there were 800,000 out of state visitors in New Hampshire this past weekend. That sounds about right. In fact, I think every last one of them was in line ahead of me at the deli on Sunday afternoon.
So what’s new with you? What would you like to talk about today?
[tags]catholic family life, coffee talk, catholic moms[/tags]
I’m reading your above post with tears in my eyes. What a beautiful thing to find the gift he had already bought for you (and, I’m sure, a gut-wrenchingly painful thing, too).
Sometimes I think our best response to grief is to just realize that it will hurt like anything for a while. Keep praying and turning to others for support and let yourself feel what you feel. Also, one of the best things I’ve ever read about grief is to recognize that it’s not a linear process … in other words, it’s not like you get a little better every day. It comes and goes in waves. Being prepared for that has helped me deal with grief in the past.
I’ll say some prayers for Mary to intercede for you … she was a widow, too, and knows what you are feeling. My love and prayers are with you.
You may have thought at the time that you were pouring your heart out to only strangers. As I scrolled through the comments this evening (my first time on this blog!) I found your post and realized immediately that it was you. The Body of Christ is a small world, I often say. Know that you and your precious children are constantly in our prayers and that we have also been praying diligently for the repose of your dear husband’s soul. And please, please, please feel free to “dump” on those who know and love you, too!
To Kristina says
You will be in my constant thoughts and prayers. God Bless you and your children.
To “Amy MEV”–
I am very surprised that no one responded to your question. Well, actually I’m not surprised that people did not respond to your question…because I personally don’t know what you are looking for.
However, I can respond to the situation…I hope your brother’s girlfriend does not marry your brother. He sounds very immature and like he doesn’t know what TRUE LOVE is. If he truly loved her, he would not mind if she was unable to bear children. He would tell her that that doesn’t matter, and that adoption would be a great way to build a family…because he LOVES her and wants HER to be the mother of his children…biological or otherwise.
My brother married a girl who had had cancer as a child. She told him about the possibility that she wouldn’t be able to conceive. He told her that they would adopt, and that is what they are doing. They adore each other. (By the way, my brother was adopted, and he knows that how you enter a family doesn’t really matter–whether you’re adopted or not.)
Your brother’s view of married love saddens me. I hope that he can change his thinking, or that his girlfriend will find true love with someone else.
Thank you so much to all of you wonderfully helpful Mothers re the sleep deprivation and having two small ones! Your suggestions are very practical and you have encouraged me that it is certainly ‘do-able’ as plenty of you are evidence of!
I do remember worrying about sleep-deprivation before having my first, as people love to warn you about all those ‘sleepless nights’ when you are pregnant, and I did find that the worry was worse than the reality. Somehow, you do just live with it. 🙂 That’s the grace of God for you! My first was a great newborn, but got progressively worse with age. We tried everything, and ended up co-sleeping for a couple of months, which made her worse again, as she is such a light sleeper. She ended up waking every 40 minutes throughout the night and most nights, could not get back to sleep for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night.
As awful as I felt, I had to put her back in her own cot and let her ‘cry it out’. It was a horrible two nights for us both, but on the third night, she settled, and has been night-weaned since then, the poor sod! But she has been a happier baby for it, as she also wasn’t getting enough sleep night after night, and in the end, I was becoming despondant to her from my sheer sleep-crazed state!
So thank you all for giving me the confidence that I can do it all again. 🙂 As I often say to my husband, “Let’s enjoy Mia while she’s this small, as soon enough, the sleep-deprivation will be only a memory, along with our baby girl.”
thank you everyone for all the yeast suggestions. I feel better already. And to Kristina, you and your children are in my prayers as well as the soul of your dear husband. God bless you.
I feel silly because I do not even know what a marquis or Tiffany ring are.
I think we are all different in the way we receive love, ie love languages. The size of my ring is meaningless to me. I’m not a gift person in general and can’t beat the thought of spending $1000’s on a ring. For one anniversary or birthday my husband bought me and expensive, fragile necklace (well $100 is expensive to me…) I was honest with him and told him I would rather have a new pair of hiking boots. I did consider whether I should be honest or not. I think it was helpful and not hurtful.
I don’t find fault with women who do find meaning in the ring size. I recognize it as a different love language.
Oh and I wouldn’t be so hard on the guy who is having a little trouble finding out his girlfriend (right, not finace’) maybe infertile. I think it is something that needs to be dealt with in marriage counseling, if they take that step. Perhaps there are other doubts going on and this one just was the last straw.
I think it is better he be honest with his feelings than marry regretfully there is nothing shallow abou that.
I think that Re:Rings has a point about love languages, however, I also think that we have to be terribly careful about how we receive/don’t receive expressions of love. Total honesty sounds like a great concept, however sometimes it’s merely an excuse for self-centeredness (not always, but sometimes). I have someone in my family who would say they were being totally honest, who quite frankly could stand to be just silent about some things (picky food preferences for example). I think that probably each of us knows our own spouse well enough to know how they’d react to being asked for a ring upgrade. My one piece of counsel would be that you not only consider your spouse’s feelings, but also your own reasons for wanting the upgrade. Is it because you’ve truly found another ring that you just feel suits you so much better, or is it because you can now demonstrate to others how well off you are? In other words, is it a matter of embracing some of the goodness of God’s creation (gemstones are beautiful, and craftsmanship is to be valued) or is it a matter of conspicuous consumption? That’s a question only each individual can answer for themselves.
BTW don’t ever hope to impress me with a big ring, because I probably won’t even notice it. I am really bad at noticing people’s accessories. I don’t notice their manicures either. I was at my niece’s house for a whole 24 hours before I even thought to ask to look at her engagement ring (I hadn’t seen her since the engagement). So it isn’t just that I don’t need big rings myself, it’s that I honestly don’t really think about them. I know other people do, and I can appreciate the craftsmanship if I take the time to actually look at them (my dd’s engagement ring is actually the prettiest one I’ve ever seen). I know other people are different in this regard and that impressive rings really do make some people envious. The sorts of things I would struggle with envy about are more land, more kids, an independent business, a writing contract…. Expensive clothes, fancy jewelry, an opulently furnished house are not things that I envy at all. It’s not a matter of particular virtue on my part. They just don’t particularly interest me.
You need to start a message board!
MK/KID’s Getting Out of bed –
The reason they are up is key. Need water or a hug or whatever? No problem. Get it and go back to bed. If they are scared or cannot tell you the reason, please be careful. In this case, my kids are allowed to come with a blankey and pillow to sleep in the recliner in our room or younger ones snuggle. I remember waking up terrified and being punished for going into my mom and dad’s room. The punishment was something similar to what someone quoted Dr. Ray said earlier. After that I spent many lonely, sleepless nights in my room scared and unable to tell anyone for fear of being punished. Enventually I started falling asleep in class and on the bus.
With my own kids, they bed in with us until they are two or so and then bed in with an older sibling until they are ready to get their own bed at three or four. We rarely have problems. Even our family doctor was impressed. I believe that when children are secure in the fact that you will always be there for them when they need you, they need you less. Sounds backwards but I have found it to be true.
Also, I have six children eleven and under so it is not that I can baby one past what they sould be.
Margaret H. says
Re: adoption. I myself was adopted as an infant and also gave a child up for adoption in my early 20’s. I also have a family member who adopted a son nearly four years ago. Although adoption is a loving option, it’s not as easy to do as one might think. My brother and sister-in-law paid over $10,000 and waited 5 years before they were chosen by a young lady to be the parents of her biological child. People are now “competing” for healthy (usually white) babies. It requires a lot in terms of emotional and financial resources to adopt in this day and time and I would think it would be pretty easy to lose track of what the greater good would be in these situations….i.e. MY marriage, MY desires, MY needs, rather than learning to accept that some doors are going to be shut for some folks.
I too wonder about a marriage where one person has set expectations before getting married. Although the couple has a noble goal in mind, we all know that God’s ways are not our ways, even if they seem to be more fully in line with his wishes. I’ve known couples who were childless for years and then all of the sudden their fertility returned in spades! I’ve also known people who had no discernable problems with their fertility only have a child or two despite their own efforts. Is that somehow a failure or God calling these couples to do something else with their gifts? Sometimes He’s just asking us to get over ourselves and to listen what he’s really asking….sometimes the answers aren’t cut and dried.
About 50 years ago the “right” thing to do for me would have been to marry the young man with whom I had gotten pregnant. If I had, I wouldn’t now be married to the good, loving man I’m married to now and we wouldn’t have the precious children we now have…..sometimes the “right” thing to do is move on.
inferility knowledge before marriage says
I think that perhaps that man that found out his girlfriend is infertile needs time to grief, because it is a loss. We all enter marriage knowing that we will have hardship but we don’t know specifically what that will be. It is a whole other ball game when you know beforehand what your trials will be. I think it is appropriate to step back and discern in these situations.
I had issues that were potentially going to interfere wth my fertility and my husband was well aware of it and would accept it before marriage. I am grateful for that. I’m also grateful that he has steadfastly accepted all the hardship also.
Would we see it differently if the man knew he was infertile and the woman had to accept before she even married him that she would not be able to bear children?
I will add your brother-in-law and his girlfriend to my intentions for this week. I’m sure I would want to speak with her too if I were in your situation, but with neither of them knowing that you know, I think you had better let them sort it out on their own. Your best help for them for now is to solicit prayers, and to ask Our Lady and St. Joseph to help the couple in this discernment.
Also – there is a big difference between “may be infertile” and IS infertile. If I had a dime for everyone, m or f, who thought they were probably infertile – especially before they were even married…well, it may be unnecessary worry. Best to be on the secret support team, just praying for them without embarrassing anybody. 🙂
Anon for this says
My brother married a woman who had MS before they married. He did not give it much thought. He never considered what his life would be like down the road and now ten years later it is extremely challenging. She is wheel chair bound, can not feed herself and can barely speak. She will likely die in the next 5 years due to this terrible illness. I don’t know if he made the right or wrong decision. I do know he should have researched it and really reflected upon it. In many ways he denied her condition (they both did), and accordingly didn’t plan financially and practically for the ramifications of the disease. Also, in many ways he’s my hero. Lesser men would have left the marriage years ago. IMHO there is nothing more serious then marriage vows. When we consider the person we want to marry, we should consider the whole package – temperament, health, values and yes, fertility.
karen g. says
To Feeling Wicked:
If you are Catholic, I would strongly suggest confessing your “wickedness” because in the Sacrament of Confession we receive the graces necessary to overcome those specific sins that we have confessed. Now that the devil knows you are struggling with this, he’ll try to tempt you all the more. Go get your weapons!
To the Nail Biters:
I have to confess I’ve never dealt with this issue, but I wanted to offer an insight: kids crave attention, good or bad, and if they find something that gets attention, they’ll keep doing it. If this were my son or daughter, I would try to pay as little attention to it as possible…whether there is blood or not. I would also probably try doing something “John Rosemond-ish”, such as coming up with a “punishment” that just looks like a natural consequence. Um, let’s see if I can come up with something… “Oh, sweetie, the doctor said that eating dessert makes your fingernails bleed. I see that your fingernails were bleeding today, so you can’t have any more dessert.” (I’m sure you could come up with something way better.) I have used this type of logic before with my son, and it really does work. It removes the control from the parent to an objective outside source that cannot be argued with.
And regarding the whole swim diaper thing…they don’t hold in the pee???? Gross! Thanks for ruining my nice little sanitary world.
I am thinking and praying for you and the kids. I hope God gives you the strenght to cope and keep going in widowhood. I always think of the saying the price of love is grief and you obviously lost a good man. I will try harder to be kind to my husband when I feel cranky with him and treasure his companionship whilst I have it
Anonymous today says
Still enjoying my beach vacation, and putting my 2 cents in a little late.
Rings: 4 years after i was married, my rings did not fit anymore. My husband bought me a plain gold band, and I still wear it 22 years later. My original rings were from my MIL. I always felt funny wearing them anyway. Even though the wedding band was picked out by us, the engagement ring was her original. She was a difficult person, and the constant reminder was wearing on me. When the rings no longer fit, it was a relief to me. This may sound unchristian, but it was a real point of contention for me.
Yeast infections: You already got good advice, but may I offer one more tidbit? Cut down on any and all sugar and limit carbs. Eat mainly protein, veggies and fruit. You will find a world of difference. Just my experience, anyway.
Jill: Marriage Encounter is the best gift my husband and I ever received. Have no hesitation about it, just let things happen. Enjoy each other!
To: feeling wicked says
I just wanted to let you know you have valid concerns for your friend and her future children. God asks us to discern prayerfully our openness to life and not base it on some number we have in our head of children we decided we wanted. I really don’t think this concern is a “wicked one”. Although it is only the husband’s and wife’s decision. I think the Body of Christ is there to give us guidance. Acknowledging your thoughts is not a sin, I think what you to with them and how far you take them can be.
I admit I too have thoughts when I see couples drowning in grave financial worry, and major disabling health problems, and an inablility to be present to their kids say they are are going to keep having them no matter what. I find the abscence of any type of discernment or recognizing the needs of the kids they have.
It is an observation. It is nothing I hold onto. I have gained wisdom from openly discussing things like this with other couples. I don’t believe it requires confession because I recognize they they are accountable to God for everything.
I hope that your friend and her husband have a good spiritual director that can also help them as they discern.