Danielle Bean

Catholic Writer and Speaker

Comments

  1. I think that you should just ignore your daughters new habit, it really should just go away. I think that because you have made such a big deal out of it that now she is becoming obsessed about touching/not touching herself. While I am sure that it is quite uncomfortable to be seeing her doing this it is a fairly normal thing. The fact that she has woken you up in the middle of the night to tell you that she has done it again means that she is quite concerned with what a “bad” thing she is doing.
    At her age the touching is more of a exploring or good feeling for her, not a sexual behavior. You can sit her down and tell her that those are her private parts and they are to be kept private so no touching in public or in front of people. This will not encourage her to touch herself but will make her more aware that she needs to stop doing this in front of people. Once she gets it across that the urge to do that is not a horrible thing (since at the age of six it really isn’t) I think that she won’t be so concerned about it and will stop after awhile. Right now she sees how this makes you angry and she thinks that since she has these urges that she is a bad girl. It is normal at this age and ignoring it will make it go away. Set rules about not doing it in public or in front of anyone but please don’t make her feel like she is bad or dirty.

  2. Dear Wit’s End,

    I’m no expert on this sort of behavior, but I would treat it just as any other undesirable action, such as thumb-sucking (beyond a certain age) nose-picking, etc.

    First, you may want to take a few days to a week and try to ignore completely the behavior. It’s obviously become a big deal at your house (understandable!) and everyone may benefit from a break.

    Second, try one of the techniques commonly used in potty-training. For example, buy a colorful chart and stickers, then divide the day into sections. If your daughter can go a whole section without engaging in the behavior, she gets to put a sticker on the chart. Eventually increase the sections to a whole day, and continue the chart for at least a month. (It takes at least that long to break a bad habit.)

    Third, don’t worry too much about what the behavior “means” or if your daughter is “normal.” Time enough for that when she gets older and closer to maturity. She just is who she is, and this is the cross she — and you — have been blessed with for now. Keep doing what you can to protect her innocence — you’re doing great!

    Finally, if you haven’t already, choose a saint to help you with this burden. Ask this saint for her or his intercession, and tell your daughter the life of this saint. (You don’t have to tell her why.) Reward her with holy cards or the saint’s medal. God bless you! You have my prayers!

  3. Hiya GB, anon, and all – gentle teasing appreciated, of course! 🙂

    I agree, playing the “wwjd?” or in this case “wwmd?” is dangerous when discussing spiritual issues.

    In this case of underarm hair – I was just keeping it real. Sometimes we can get wrapped up in our own sense righteousness and pre-judge others when they think or believe differently.

    As for the grey hair….henna was a common beauty product in Mary’s day. Just sayin’…maybe Joseph liked the highlights, is all. 😉

  4. Thank you to each of you who responded, the “preachy”, the not-so-preachy, and the just plain understanding. I appreciate each one of these comments and I will take each recommendation to heart and prayer so that I can find a way to repair this relationship.

    I don’t feel like I’ve made the behavior seem “dirty”, in fact we have tried so hard to keep her innocent about it, just telling her that she will hurt herself (and she could!) if she keeps rubbing books and toys down there.

    Thank you again.

  5. I’m late coming to the game today since it’s already after 5pm here but I wanted to share what a wonderful Father’s Day we had. In addition to being Father’s Day, Sunday was our 12th wedding anniversary. At the 9am Mass that morning we enjoyed the baptism of our 4th child (and 1st son). His godfather is my husband’s godson. You’re wondering how that works, aren’t you?? My husband was this man’s sponsor in RCIA 7 years ago so technically he is his godfather. After Mass we enjoyed a wonderful brunch at our house with all of our families there.

  6. At my wits end. . .

    Have you heard of Christopher West? You might try going to his site and under “contact us” sending them an email if they have an specifics on dealing with such an issue. His book states that masturbation is normal, although you are not supposed to do it. They may have a contact and/or book to refer you to, I couldn’t find anything in his book on WHAT to do if it’s happening. Sorry to mention the “M” word 🙁

    http://www.christopherwest.com/contactUs.asp

  7. Danielle: I was touched by the way you called our attention to the life and work–and death–of Edwina Froehlich, one of the founders of La Leche League. God bless all the women who fought doctors, hospitals, and our culture in order to teach and support breastfeeding mothers!

  8. Frances and Diane,

    Thanks for responding! Some day I might enjoy changing my hair color again just for fun, but it was a pleasant surprise to realize that I could “go gray” and still be stylish! (I was afraid at first that gray automatically would make me look frumpy.) I’m glad to learn I’m not alone!

  9. Lauri –

    The outdoor games listed in the latest issue of “Faith and Family” would be great – limbo, ghosts in the graveyard, etc.

  10. CMerie,

    I know I few people who have had luck with buying maternity clothes on ebay. People tend to sell them cheaply and in large lots. I’ve seen several in the past from career women who bought lots of nice maternity clothes for work and are looking to get rid of them now that they’re done with their pregnancy.

    This one has some really cute tops in it, and it’s all new things, http://cgi.ebay.com/ALL-NEW-NWT-HUGE-TRENDY-SPRING-MATERNITY-LOT-SMALL-S_W0QQitemZ190228367401QQihZ009QQcategoryZ15754QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

    This one has more summery tops and a dress, http://cgi.ebay.com/ALL-NEW-NWT-HUGE-TRENDY-SPRING-MATERNITY-LOT-MEDIUM-M_W0QQitemZ190229054766QQihZ009QQcategoryZ15754QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

  11. At my wit’s end,

    I think what is going on here, is that your daughter’s behavior is triggering uncomfortable feelings because of your abuse. Maybe if you look at that more closely this might become easier for you to deal with. I have been in intense therapy for 2 years trying to “figure out” and deal with my own sexual abuse. It isn’t easy, but I am now “getting” why I react to certain situations the way I do. A good book (but I caution you, very intense at times) is “The Wounded Heart : Help for Adult victims of Child Sexual Abuse” by Dan Allendar. I have worked through the book with my Catholic therapist.
    I agree with a few of the other posters here. Ignore the behavior and it might dissappear faster.

  12. At wit’s end,

    Just a couple thoughts. First, maybe you haven’t told her in so many words that what she is doing is “dirty”, but from other things you said about your reactions to her, that is probably being communicated non-verbally and she is picking up on that.

    Second, kids that age are so literal; if you tried telling her that her behavior could “hurt her”, maybe she is always so insistent about telling on herself (even in the wee hours!) because she is afraid that she is hurt and needs you to know in case something really is wrong.

    Thirdly, just from some discussions at Christopher West’s Theology of the Body conferences (*not* his precise words, but part of the general class discussion), would a more factual-but-not-detailed approach work a little better for a child too young to really understand sexuality per se? Something like “we don’t do that because that’s not what our private parts are for. Just like we put food in our mouths and not in our noses (or whatever example you want to use), God made our private parts for certain purposes too and that isn’t it.” If she wants to know what they are for, just be general but truthful like “going potty and having babies (that last depending on how much she knows about how she and siblings exited mom’s tummy!) 🙂

  13. Please pray for my friend’s brother and his wife. They are expecting a baby boy in September and just found out he has Trisonomy 13. Thanks in advance!!!!

    I’m sure some of you have been through this. How did you get through it?

  15. Regarding gray hair: Obviously it is fine to let one’s hair go au natural etc., I think it should be pointed out though, that it does make you look older and frumpier especially if you are under 50. Like it or not people make assumptions about you based on how you look. Men are intensely visual and I have a hard time believing that anyone’s husband LOVES his 35 year old gray haired wife’s look. Of course he has to say it’s okay or he’d be raked over the coals – but come one! It’s not that expensive to color you hair and look your age.

  16. cmerie~ on maternity clothes ~ If you happen to come back a day late… I thought for sure someone would mention my old standby ~ Girl! It’s garage sale season! You won’t get maternity clothes cheaper anywhere. Granted, you have to do some driving around and won’t have the selection of a department store or even e-bay. But, oh, the thrill of the hunt!

  17. Regarding “At Wit’s End.” my now 8 year old daughter went through a very scrupulous time at the age of 6 and spent a lot of time each day confessing various things to me. She really wondered about the appropriateness of every behavior. After talking to many friends, I found that around the age of reason, this is very common. We did a lot of roll playing to establish what would be appropriate or inappropriate behavior. I asked her simple yes or no questions so she could practice decision making. I know it is tiresome to hear 6 year old confessions all day, but we tried to say a quick prayer each time and stressed that Jesus forgives and washes away these things. I can understand your feelings of frustration. Hang in there. It does not last forever.

    We also prepared her early for confession because she really needed the grace of the sacrament to allow her to let go of guilt. We sought out a priest willing to help us with this. Sometimes you need to look farther than the parish priest. God Bless you!

  18. Anon,

    You can have your opinion and that is respected but when you want to tell everyone else how their husbands feel but are afraid to tell them, you are out of line.
    If your statement were true, how about young men who shave their heads? Try telling me there are not women who like the “Bald look”. You may not, I may not but we can not speak for everyone. Also, How about women who put silver high lights in their hair? Isn’t this the same thing as having a little gray? I have many friends and relatives who do hair and this is not an odd thing to do at all.Try telling these women they are paying to look frumpy ! I agree that men are usually visual but I know men who like super skinny women , some who like a shapely woman and some who like a large woman. so visual does not mean all looking for the same thing.
    I personally can not believe that even most men out there prefer the fake look of dyed hair, or the frazzled look of hair that is fried due to constant chemical use to a few gray hairs. Of course that is my opinion , I don’t know every man out there !
    As for looking old, as I stated before I am thirty nine and do not cover my gray. If according to you, I look so old, why do I still get carded when I buy a bottle of wine? Why do the people at the booths at Amusement parks guess my age at twenty eight to thirty and my girl friend’s ( who is younger than me and dyes her hair) much older than her actual age?
    I don’t mean to be rude but honestly I am so fed up with society thinking that to get a professional job or not look like an old lady that you must hide behind make up, hair dye , and botox.
    I also find it funny how most of us can identify ourselves, disagree, and yet still have a civil conversation until someone , like you, comes in makes a rude comment and doesn’t even have the guts to identify yourself. Come on, we respect your opinion is it so hard to respect ours?

  20. Agree, Diane! Anon, what you said is like saying, “come on, your husband can’t possibly find you beautiful with grey hair!!” Yikes, that’s pretty presumptuous, not to mention cruel! How many of us women would like it if we were told our husbands wouldn’t like us when we’re pregnant, with our stretch marks afterwards, or varicose veins, etc, etc? How would our husbands feel if we told them we don’t find them attractive because they no longer have a six-pack, or wear glasses instead of getting laser surgery, etc? We should embrace the aging process and all that comes with it — think JPII! My husband and I both take care of ourselves, but we don’t spend time on things like going to the salon because we are a busy family and would rather spend our free time together as a family, and we would rather tithe more than spend money on trying to look younger than we are! I can tell you, I’ve not lost the respect of my husband (and no, he’s not raked over the coals for expressing his opinion in our house!), and I haven’t lost one friend over this issue!

  22. Anon,

    Some men actually like the ‘distinguished’ look of a few silver hairs, just as many women find grey hairs or baldness attractive. More to the point, many men find THEIR WIVES attractive regardless of how she ages, because they love and are attracted to the whole woman! Comments about what “men really think” are incredibly demeaning to men, particularly when you are trying to portray all men as being incredibly shallow.

    My husband, btw, thinks that dyed hair looks ‘old’.

    Kate

  23. There was a video clip of beautiful faces of famous women going around the internet recently. Here it is:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BhXUSO_J3k

    I think every person, regardless of gender, can see that they really are beautiful. But every single one is enhanced and not natural, be it dye, plucking, waxing, surgery, dental work, make-up, etc.

    I find it hard to believe that any man would look at these faces and say, “oh, that colored hair looks terrible; they should all go gray and that’ll increase their beauty!” You can argue that it’s a shame, that it’s too bad that it is that way. But I don’t think you can argue that it isn’t true.

  24. Patsy,

    Beautiful ? Maybe to a society that is trained to believe that this is what beauty is. To you they may be glamorous but lets step back for a second and look at the reality of it all. How many of these beauties have fulfilling lives ? How many have been in and out of rehab ? How many have several divorces under their belts? How about mental institutions? If beauty is where it is at and these women/ girls are beautiful why are they not happily married or on life’s natural high without the use of drugs?or Happy in general? I can not think of one of today’s famous beauties are truly happy. Yes society wants us to believe that this is what beauty is but society also says that having children out of wedlock is the thing to do ( after all many beautiful stars do) but I do not buy into that either. Again I do not put down anyone’s choice to color hair( or wear fake hair when theirs is fryed from too much chemical use) wear make up, have chemical treatments, or whatever floats your boat. However, when someone has the nerve to call my sisters( in Natural) and I frumpy and tells us that our loving husband’s , who have loved and cherished us through years of matrimony, must think we are gross, I have a problem.As for raising my children , by words and example, I will teach that true beauty comes from within and not the color of your hair ,size of your body, tone of your skin or anything else that money can pay to alter.They may not grow up to be the next beauty queens of the world but as long as they are truly happy, their natural beauty will shine through which will make My husband and I both happy, gray haired and all.

  25. Diane,

    I think you are on to something with how you are raising your children. It is certainly true that our ideas of beauty are at least partly informed by our upbringing and the ideas we take in as children. In my husband’s case, he sought out (however unconsciously) and married a woman very like his mother in some things! Having grown up with a mother and aunts who, for the most part, embraced the maturing of their looks and have aged gracefully, he is partial to a ‘natural look’. We suit each other just fine that way. 😉

    Here’s an example from the other side of the aisle. I have heard many women say disparaging things about beards and facial hair, and some talk as though it is a given that women in general do not like facial hair on their men.

    But my father always had a beard, and my uncles often had mustaches and beards, and my husband’s beard was one of the first things I noticed (favorably) about him! He shaves it occasionally, but I much prefer him unshaven.

    All of which just goes to show that any use of ‘all women think’ or ‘all men think’ is a load of hogwash!

  26. The issue here has nothing whatsoever to do with happiness, fulfilling lives, drug addiction, divorces, mental illnesses, out-of-wedlock births or anything else except the decidedly nerve-hitting idea of: looking a certain way just might be preferable to not looking a certain way.

    “Maybe to a society that is trained to believe that this is what beauty is”. And we all live in that same society, including men.

    The discussion was about physical beauty. These women are beautiful. Thinking will vary about what makes a person physically beautiful; that’s the part I find interesting. And I say “physical” because physical beauty does matter. In Catholic thinking, beauty – aesthetics! – matter very much. It can be applied to the modes of being: good, true and beautiful. How, is the fascinating question.

    Try this: ask you husband to name 5 or 10 women he thinks are physically beautiful, women that he finds physically attractive. I say that generalizations can be made: Most men will name women that are between 20 and 60. They will not be gray haired. They will not have leg or armpit hair. They will not be 20 or more pounds overweight. Their skin will be clear; their face not full of wrinkles.

    Keep in mind, too, that I never called you or anyone else “frumpy”. But can you honestly tell me that most women really wish they did have stretch marks, a full head of gray hair, wrinkles in their faces, cellulite, varicose veins? Do we pray for these things?! No, we accept these crosses, some better than others, but I think it’s absurd to try and say they aren’t crosses.

    Look at it from an artist’s perspective. Does an artist paint beautiful women or not? What did Renaissance painters sculpt? How did they portray ugliness? It has little to do with behavior and everything to do with objective norms of beauty. I believe that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is a great lie, and decidedly un-Catholic.

  27. Just an FYI, about artists and sculptors – have you ever checked out Michangelo’s women in the Sistine Chapel? They are not all done up with makeup, they have wrinkles and curves. NONE are tiny, delicate model types. Yes, NATURAL beauty 🙂

  28. I disagree, but again we all have opinions .I, myself, believe in inter beauty. As for my husband , he and I have casually talked about who is and isn’t beautiful many times. When we married nineteen years ago, he requested that I not wear make up as he preferred natural beauty. This preference of his is also evident when we have discussed beauty among TV / movie stars. He has also made many comments about friends, family, and even movie stars about how their dye jobs are unattractive and wonders what they are thinking, So no I do not agree that these made up women are beautiful. I also very much agree that Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just turn on Day time TV ( I usually don’t but have caught some at doctor’s visits lately) and look at all of these girls/ women on talk shows who are what many consider gorgeous and can not get a date while their friends who “are not near as beautiful” are always being hit on by men.
    As for trying to differentiate physical beauty from all of the other things I mention, it is just my way of saying that society isn’t always right and in my opinion you and others equate beauty with happiness which is no where near true. So even if , for the sake of argument, you are right and beauty is what it is all about, and beautiful people such as famous people are not happy people( judging from all of the things I list before), I think I will take happy over beauty if I have to choose. As for you and anyone out there who feels different, I am not trying to outlaw hair dye, make up, or any thing else. Nor am I judging you. Feel free to go for whatever look you wish but please don’t argue that only money can buy beauty. There are too many impressionable girls/ women out there who have enough stress without worrying about being “ugly” because they can’t afford both cosmetic treatments and the basics of life. Would you rather that your daughter be physically beautiful or college educated ? How about having a Beautiful daughter or one who spends her hard earned money on feeding her children healthy foods and gives them organized sports/ exrecise classes. ? It’s a choice. I personally go for inner beauty and spend my money elsewhere.
    Thanks to all who have given opinions. It is always fun to have a good debate from time to time !

  29. Diane:

    Your husband sounds a bit like mine so he must be awesome 🙂 My husband was slightly disappointed when I told him I was going to wear make up for our wedding (but he did understand that I felt it was important). In the 3.5 or so years we’ve known each other I’ve worn it maybe a handful of times and he’s never been a big fan. My mother’s husband (aka, my father) requested that she not wear make up either. My sister wears make up and her husband-to-be loves it. Different strokes for different folks.

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