Danielle Bean

Catholic Writer and Speaker

Your Turn: Large Catholic Families

by Filed Under: Babies, Pregnancy, Prolife, Your Turn

A reader asks:
As I read your blog and other Catholic mom’s blogs, it seems like the majority of you have a very large family … I’m just wondering if the reason for it is because the Catholic Church is against using contraceptives or is it something to do with a Catholic family culture?

Both. We’ve talked about being open to life here before and I would link to that thread if the site didn’t act all weird when I try to (not to worry — we are still working on that stuff). But my email tells me it’s time to do it again.

Is everyone called to raise a large family? No. Are there good Catholic families with small numbers of children? Of course there are. Are there parents of small numbers of children who long for many more but aren’t able to have them? Plenty. Are large families a sign of God’s blessing and their parents’ generosity? The catechism says so:

“Sacred Scripture and the Church’s traditional practice see in large families a sign of God’s blessing and the parents’ generosity.”
— 2373

When Scripture and tradition tell us that children are God’s blessings, shouldn’t we want an abundance of them? Of course Catholics may, for serious reasons, limit the size of their families through the use of Natural Family Planning (Read Humanae Vitae for the details of this Catholic teaching). However, through user error and through the natural challenges of periodic abstinence, even Catholics who use NFP generally are more open to life and more open to God’s will at work in their families than others. As a consequence, many faithful Catholics do have large families. This is not a mistake. It is a tremendous blessing. And an enormous responsibility.

I sometimes meet young moms of many-babies-in-a-row who are afraid. They lie awake at night figuring their future fertile years and fearfully calculating the number of children they could potentially produce within their marriages, and they are afraid. Because it’s hard work. Because they are exhausted. Because though they want to do God’s will, they fear the details of what exactly that might mean.

To moms who feel this way, I want to say this: Congratulations. You are normal. It is completely and perfectly normal to balk at such hard work and such a daunting task. Especially when most other people you know aren’t doing it. But if God gives you an awesome responsibility, he will give you awesome graces to go with it.

And here’s one more secret fact that’s hard to see when you are in the throes of young family life: It is quite likely that overnight you will go from counting the number of diaper changes that lie ahead and crying at the very idea … to wondering if your last baby might really be your last baby and crying at the very idea. Overnight you go from fearing God’s numerable blessings and taking them for granted to longing for just one more of them. Overnight. Early on, it’s natural to feel as though your fertile years might never end. But they do. And for some of us quite human people, it’s only coming close to the reality of that inevitable end that can make us see what blessings our children really are.

Updated again: Comments are now open! Feel free to share your charitably worded thoughts, experiences, and comments below.

Your Turn: Childbirth

by Filed Under: Babies, Pregnancy, Your Turn

Do you (or perhaps your readers) have any advice or opinions on how to achieve childbirth as naturally as possible? I am nearly four months along with my first, and I would like to have a birth free from medications, if possible. I’m just not sure which methods or ideas work. I’d like to go into birth somewhat educated about how to help myself… Or do you think it’s one of those things that you can’t really “prepare” for the first time? I’d appreciate your help!

I suppose Advent is as good a time as any to talk childbirth. Afterall, isn’t Mary fully pregnant and traveling toward Bethlehem on the back of a donkey right about now? So. Gentlemen (and any others who are so inclined) feel free to leave the room.

A basic message I have for first time mothers would be this: Take the classes, read the books, grill your doctors, talk to everyone you know who has ever had a baby and then come up with a plan that makes sense to you. Just keep in mind, though, that childbirth is not a skills competition, it’s not a toughness competition, and it’s not a test you need to pass. It’s a means to an end — and that end is a healthy, intact mother with a healthy, intact baby. That may or may no tmean having medical interventions.

That said, I think your goal of having as natural a birth as possible is a laudable one. Natural childbirth is my own preference and I have been blessed in being able to do that for my eight babies so far. Your reading and research will surely demonstrate that there are many natural childbirth methods and philosophies to choose from, but I have to tell you: For me, when it came down to actually being in laborfor the first time, all the books and methods quickly went out the window. In their place I did whatever felt right to me at the time. Out with the crazy breathing patterns and in with clutching my anxious husband’s hands and rocking in place through contractions! Have confidence in yourself and in body’s ability to labor. You don’t have to do things a certain way just because the books (or medical staff)say so.

I would further add that if you are having a hospital birth, you should be sure your husband knows your preferences and is prepared to encourage you when you feel weak as well as intervene on your behalf if necessary. A woman in labor can be rather a helpless creature. I distinctly remember being wracked with pain during intense contractions during labor with Juliette and having a nurse continually harass me: “I think you should use a birthing ball, no? Shouldn’t I get the birthing ball? Would you like me to get the birthing ball? Have you ever used a birthing ball? They’re great. Do you want me to get the birthing ball?”

I was in another world at the time. Birthing ball? What? I wanted to tell that woman what she could do with the birthing ball, but was unable even to speak. Never was I more grateful to my precious husband than when he finally said, “You know, I don’t think she wants the birthing ball right now.”

Ultimately, I would encourage you to do your research and have a detailed plan, but keep in mind that it all might need to be tossed out the window. Too many women wind up feeling like “failures” when their baby’s birth does not go as perfectly as they had planned. You might plan a perfectly natural water birth (Hey, maybe even with a birthing ball! Why not?) but in the end you might wind up accepting pain medication or having an emergency C-section.

Be prepared to be flexible, for your sake and for your baby’s.There is no failure here. If you make some changes to your plan along the way in order to increase your chances of a happy outcome of a healthy, intact mother with a healthy, intact baby, I’d call that a success.

Your Turn: Sterilization and Regret

by Filed Under: Babies, Pregnancy, Prolife, Your Turn

A reader writes:
Do you think you could start a discussion about and for womenwho regret sterilization procedures? I have recently finished reading abook by Christopher West and I feel nauseous about the fact that I gaveup the precious gift that is fertility. I am sickened, almost to thepoint of depression, that my husband and I are “lying with our bodies.”We are both converts to Catholicism and NFP and the pro-creative andunitive acts of conjugal love weren’t exactly discussed around thedinner table!

First of all, you have my heart felt sympathy for your suffering. Iknow you know this, but I will repeat it here anyway: You and yourhusband are not responsible for actions you took while ignorant of theTruth. I think that in your case, talking about “lying with yourbodies” is unnecessary and hurtful language. I would encourage you stopthinking about your marriage in this way as that phrase implies anintent you and your husband do not have.

Though sterilization reversals are not required by the Church, these procedures have brought peace and healing to many. I once wrote an article on this very subjectand the sources were not difficult to find. Your situation is notunique. In fact, one of people I interviewed for the article, JohnLong, has even written a book about sterilization reversalsin which he profiles couples that have had reversals done and whotestify to the peace and healing it has brought to their marriages.

If you are inclined to have the reversal done, I would encourageyou to continue looking into the possibilities. You mentioned that youwere unsuccessful in finding the help you need through One More Souland I hope that readers here will point you toward other potentialresources. If God wants you to do this, He will help you find a way todo it.

In the meantime, I would just remind you of this: When we have donesomething we deeply regret it can be tempting, even after seeking andreceiving forgiveness, to wallow in guilt and remorse. It can betempting to despair and to think that our problem is “un-fixable.”

But we must never despair. Our God is a good and generous God. Hehas made us in His own image and we are His precious children… evenwhen we make mistakes. If we despair, we deny these truths and doubtGod’s forgiveness. If we despair, we deny God’s omnipotent andall-encompassing love. If we despair, we doubt that Christ did indeedsuffer and die for our sins and that it was indeed “enough.” Humandespair is an insult to God.

Instead, place your marriage in God’s hands and throw yourself onHis infinite mercy. Remember that it is Christ Himself who tells us:“With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”(Matthew 19:26)

May He bless you and guide you.

Our God is a Just God

by Filed Under: Pregnancy

And so He just can’t let me go unpunished for my smug wondering about what on earth other women were complaining about during their third trimesters. You see, with most of my previous pregnancies, I actually had the audacity to tell people I felt fabulous right through till the end. It really was true, though. I would have gladly suffered through two of those kinds of third trimesters in place of the nauseous horrors of a first trimester any day.

To illustrate the point: When I was almost due with my fifth, I remember 5 year old Eamon attempting to do a cartwheel on the front lawn. I tried to talk him through the steps, but he wound up frustrated and confused. Only my husband’s wide-eyed disbelief and gasping “Don’t you dare!” prevented oh-so-pregnant me from personally demonstrating the art of the cartwheel for my gang of eager children.

But that was then. This is now. I only recently commenced my third trimester this time around and let’s just say that I am not exactly turning cartwheels around here. In fact, my pain has a name: Sciatica. And then there’s the equally crippling but less exotic-sounding pregnancy-related hip pain.

This unhappy turn of events has opened me up to a whole new set of sins: I envy people who can walk upright effortlessly. I covet little old ladies’ walkers. I greedily horde all the pillows in the house and demand ¾ of the bed space in order to ensure I get a proper night’s rest. I give way to pride in my remarkable accomplishment when I manage to throw together eggs and toast for my family’s breakfast while standing on one leg at the kitchen stove before collapsing on the couch for the next two hours. Which brings us to the sloth thing.

All I can say is thank goodness I can do the important stuff like reading, writing, smooching the baby, and delegating, delegating, delegating, without ever once having to get up off my rear end. Oh and complaining, of course. That requires very little upright physical effort.

Misery loves company, and so I am opening this up to comments. Tell me your pregnant horror stories. Tell me that acupuncture, yoga, or your sister-in-law’s homemade elixir cured you from all of the above-mentioned ailments, and I’ll give it a try. In the meantime, I’ll be on the couch.

Self-Medication

by Filed Under: Food, Pregnancy

I can handle being pregnant. Or having a cold with a fever. Or having a crabby 15 month old who also has a cold with a fever. Or sweltering 100 degree weather with unbelievably high humidity. But all these things at the same time? God apparently has a sense a sense of humor, but tonight I surely don’t.

Not to worry, though. It’s nothing two (okay, three) Happy Cookie Bars from the fridge can’t cure.

*Edited to add: The first time I posted this, I typed “Happy Cookie Bras.” I’m not sure what those are, but they don’t sound so bad, do they? Sticky, maybe. But from the fridge? Very refreshing.

Your Turn: Coping With Pregnancy Nausea

by Filed Under: Pregnancy, Prolife, Your Turn

Now here is a topic that is near to my heart. I wrote about pregnancy nausea insanity a while back and got a lot of response from fellow sickness sufferers. I also shared that I was having signs of pregnancy with an iud paragard. Here is something a recent emailer wrote:

How do you cope with pregnancy sickness and take care of your little ones? My husband and son have been subjected to Campbell’s soups, Chef Boyardee, and a house that hasn’t been cleaned in weeks because I spend a lot of time lying on the couch waiting for nausea and gagging sensations to pass. I’ve managed to wash dishes and do laundry and that’s about it. And there’s a LOT of television on.

Despite the wealth of well-intentioned advice out there, my firm belief is that for many women, pregnancy sickness really is one of those things for which there is no magic solution. It’s just one of those horrible things and one of those horrible times in your life (months even!) that you just have to get through. In whatever way you can. To the writer of this email I responded:

Please take all the rest you need. I know it is hard to believe right now while you are in the midst of it, but this really is a passing phase in your family life, and one from which you will all benefit in the long run. Sometimes the hardest thing is to just accept that God wills us to do NOTHING right now. Especially for women who are perfectionists, do-ers, and controllers, the biggest sacrifice can be in just letting things go. Just lying on the couch. Just turning on the TV. Just opening cans for dinner or letting someone else handle meals.

It wounds our pride to admit we are helpless and we grow weary of relying on the charity of others, but sometimes we simply cannot do otherwise. What’s more, when mothers are sick, their husbands, children, and friends have a great opportunity to practice patience and charity.

I know, I know, these thoughts are small comfort when your head is stuck in the toilet or your rear end is stuck on the couch. It might be helpful to bear in mind, however, that the sick have tremendous power in their suffering. Think of the many saints who spent their final years in prolonged illness on their death beds. Why would God allow it? Because He knows what value there can be for all souls in suffering.

On the practical side, I would urge sick mothers to rest as much as possible- the sickness seems to intesify if you exert yourself, physically or emotionally, in any way. Eat small portions of whatever you can and whatever you want, even if it is “terrible” for the baby. You can make up for nutritional deficiencies later on when you are feeling better. I lived on chocolate covered Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls for the first three months of my pregnancy with Stephen. He survived.

So what do you all think? What survival tips or words of encouragement can you offer sick and tired, long-suffering pregnant women everywhere?

The Long Goodbye

by Filed Under: Pregnancy

This morning Stephen patted me on my middle and said, “Hello, Baby Belly.”

It might as well admit it. I put it off as long as I could, but now even my so humongous I can’t believe I am wearing these things jeans are getting snug. It is time to hang my regular pants, jeans, and waisted dresses in the closet and say goodbye. It is time to pack my T shirts and sweaters in dresser drawers. And say goodbye.

Farewell nice clothes. Farewell smallness. Hello Baby Belly.

Sick-o

by Filed Under: Pregnancy, Uncategorized

Warning: The following post contains some disgusting information as well as descriptions of food. Do not read any further if you are currently pregnant and suffering morning sickness.

I said I would write about the insanity of pregnancy nausea (or “morning sickness” as it is sometimes inaccurately called) and so now, though these days I am feeling loads better, I will attempt to do so. Those who do not experience the intensity of pregnancy nausea firsthand often fail to appreciate the full extent of its insaneness. This includes all men, of course, but also those alien life forms known as women who get pregnant and feel terrific throughout their entire first trimesters. I have met some of you. I know that you exist. And yet still I do not believe you are quite real. How do you do that?

Since I have a bit of a pulpit here, I feel I have a sacred duty, on behalf of green and gagging expectant women everywhere, to educate the inexperienced. I don’t want to frighten anyone, however, so I will share only a small portion of a nauseous experience—about 45 minutes total—one afternoon several weeks ago:

I had errands to run. Since I had not managed to keep down any food or fluids so far that particular day, I was seriously lacking in energy. And yet life does not come to screeching halt simply because one is vomiting, I have discovered. Diapers needed to be purchased or we would pretty soon have bare-bottomed little people running wildly throughout the house. A paycheck needed to be deposited or we would pretty soon have automatic payments coming up short on funds.

So, quite bravely I thought, and against my failing body’s better judgment, I packed my gang of kids into the van and we headed out into the great big world. All along the walkway to car, as I lugged the baby and the diaper bag, my stomach protested this senseless excursion. Just what do you think are doing, it seemed to ask me. Don’t you know how miserable I can make you? Do you think I won’t do it in public? Having successfully ingested absolutely nothing in the previous 12 hours though, I had the upper hand. My sour stomach could make me gag. It could make me spit. It could make me wish I were anywhere but standing in line at the bank. But it could not make me vomit. It had nothing to work with.

By the time I got everyone buckled into their seats and started to back the van out of the driveway, I was in desperate need of encouragement. And, believe it or not, that encouragement came from the thought of… food. That’s right. Food. This crazy nauseated woman found sudden comfort in the realization that her errands would take her past a McDonald’s restaurant and that she would be able to cruise through the drive-thru and order a chocolate milkshake and a large order of fries. Never mind what the morning sickness experts say about avoiding fatty foods. Never mind that I had not ordered a chocolate shake from McDonald’s since I was about 10 years old and wasn’t even sure they sold that kind of thing anymore.

My stomach had made up its mind. We were going to McDonald’s and were going to partake of the world’s most wonderful food—french fries and a chocolate milkshake. The very thought of this delectable meal energized me and I was a new woman. For about three and half minutes.

Somehow, magically (insanely some might say) I wasn’t even halfway to McDonald’s yet when the anticipated taste of french fries began to seem… not so good. In fact, it repulsed me. They would smell simply horrible, I realized. And the thought of greasy fry fingers and the cold chocolate chill of a milkshake were instantly and inexplicably revolting. Before I knew it, I had progressed from needing french fries and a chocolate shake to wondering how on earth the McDonald’s corporation could be so wildly successful when they insisted upon keeping such sickening food items on their menu all these years. The fries and shake were a definite NO GO. To keep my stomach in check, I tried not to think about them.

At our first stop, the drug store, I stopped my empty stomach from heaving just long enough to pick up a couple packages of diapers. I was making my way toward the check out when something remarkable caught my eye. It was in the snack aisle—a package of parmesan flavored Goldfish crackers. Oh, they looked lovely. Simply divine. With just one look, I was in love and I knew that I must have them. Then, as I was adding these to my purchases, something else caught my eye: a carton of chocolate milk. Not a milk shake, mind you, but plain old chocolate milk. I knew in an instant that this would be the perfect accompaniment to the Goldfish crackers.

I bought them and hurried everyone back into the van. As I tore into the package of crackers and ripped the top off the container of milk, I heard a voice call out from somewhere in the back of the van: “Can we have some?”

“No!” I growled. “These are Mommy’s crackers!”

For a moment sitting there in the parking lot, I found heaven. Goldfish crackers and chocolate milk were exactly what my stomach had been longing for, I realized. All that nausea and vomiting were never really my stomach’s fault, after all. It was my fault for denying it the very foods it needed for good health: Goldfish crackers and chocolate milk. I began to wonder why they didn’t sell these marvelous things together in packages. In fact, so divinely perfect were these foods, I could not figure out why I had never heard of a restaurant devoted to the culinary delights of Goldfish crackers and chocolate milk.

I finished my snack-from-heaven and we headed out of the parking lot. I had gotten only part way to the bank, however, when the crackers began to seem like… not so great an idea, after all. And the chocolate milk? Suddenly, I couldn’t even look at the smiling cow on the plastic carton. She was disgusting. So gross. How do those dairy farmers manage to earn a living selling that stuff?

I made it to the bank, left the kids in the van, and ran for a snow bank in the parking lot. There, my stomach relieved us of the crackers and milk. Thank you, stomach.

The rest of our excursion was uneventful, but there is one more thing I must share with you in order that you may truly appreciate the insanity that is a pregnant woman’s stomach: That evening, after the kids had gone to bed and I lay exhausted on the couch, my sweet husband asked if there was anything he could get for me. And as it turned out, there was.

“You know what would be really good?” I heard my crazy self saying. “A package of Goldfish crackers and a McDonald’s milkshake.”

Contact Danielle

Questions? Comments? Speaking inquiries? We would love to hear from you!

Do you want

to find out what

happy moms know?

I'll send you

5 ideas today.

Learn more