And this week’s talk-about topic shall be… Managing Small Children at Mass.
This is a subject that comes up frequently, and for good reason. Bringing kids, especially the little ones, to church can be a daunting task. And by daunting I mean sanity-sappingly perfectly impossible. When I answered a reader’s question about this a year ago I was talking about ideals. But I am a realist, too. So on other days, I tell it like it is.
After all, bringing any number of small bodies into a confined space and expecting them to sit still and remain quiet for an hour or more sounds a little bit like a bad joke, doesn’t it? I remain firm in my insistence that’s it’s a worthwhile endeavor, though. Over the years my family has reaped many benefits from making the effort to attend Mass as a family, littlest ones included. And experience has further shown that when little ones have the older ones’ good examples, it does get a bit easier.
To start people thinking, here is for an article I wrote for the National Catholic Register sharing how other families handle Sunday morning madness. And the always delightful Elizabeth Foss has also written an article on this subject. But I know not everyone feels the same way about bringing small children to Mass, however. Here, Susan Di Silvestri shares an alternate point of view.
So what do you say? Do you bring small children to Mass or do you wait until they are older? Are you a cry room person or do you try to avoid it? If you aren’t a parent (or no longer have small children) what words of encouragement can you offer those of us who still struggle? If you are an experienced parent, what advice can you share with frazzled Sunday morning parents everywhere?
I am a mother of six and would like to think I am at least a little older and wiser than I once was I truly believe that each family must do what works best for them, whether this is bringing all of their children or leaving the younger ones in the nursery. I do sometimes get the sense that some parents of many turn their childrens’ wonderful behavior at mass into a source of pride and let that behaviour make them feel superior to other families who struggle with their kids’ behavior at mass. I’ve learned that some children are just genetically much more difficult than others, and I’ve observed some families who have several very difficult children, despite their best efforts at discipline and consistency. Who I am to sit in judgement on them for doing what works best for them, if that means utilizing a nursery and switch-hitting masses for a few years while the kids are little? This, too, shall pass, and we can rest assured that we won’t be sending them off to college with cheerios containers to keep them entertained and quiet at church
Our 4 older kids (12, 11, 9, 8) are now perfectly capable of attending daily mass BY THEMSELVES, and I don’t really have to worry about their behavior while I am not there (I have several friends at Mass who keep an eye out for me to make sure that they are not embarrassing the family name in the absence of their parents ) My husband will sometimes drop them off at Mass before school in the morning (the school is right next to the church), and they attend Mass before heading over to start their school day. I guess what I am saying is that we have used cry rooms, we have traded off on masses, and we have done our share of toys and cheerios over the years, and yet our children are now at a point where they can be trusted at church by themselves. So to all of you young moms who are despairing out there, take heart Don’t spend too much time agonizing over the whole thing because life is way too short for that. Do what works for your family, and don’t worry about what others think about your decisions. We mothers spend way too much time looking around us worrying about how we are going to “look” to other people, when in reality, most other people have way too many of their own problems to be able to waste their time worrying about ours. And those busybodies who DO spend time pointing fingers and judging others probably SHOULD be spending more time on their own issues.
Keep in mind, too, that your own children’s behaviors are much more obvious to yourself than they are to the rest of the church. I’ve had masses that I really didn’t think were very good at all, and people have come up to me complimenting me on the behavior of my kids afterwards. This makes me realize that a lot of the fidgeting and little stuff that happens in mass doesn’t get noticed by others.
I’d just like to add that just in the last year, my husband and I have started sneaking away to early Sunday Mass by OURSELVES sometimes, and what a wonderful experience that is—-it brings us back to the days of dating, pre-children, when we could just sit and enjoy the presence of God and each other, without any distractions whatsoever. On Sundays when we do this, we bring the 4 older children to church later on and let them go together as a group (not the younger two!! ). Sometimes we will bring just one or two of the older children (not the very oldest, who serves as our babysitter of the younger ones while we are gone) with us, and that is a special treat for them to spend time alone with us at church.
Hang in there, younger moms. It really DOES get easier 🙂
I’m just relieved to read how many mothers nurse their babies in the pew. For my first three frequent nursers, I used to leave church and spend quite a bit of time in the vestibule nursing the baby. With my fourth, I had to attend Mass without my husband (who was deployed), and parading 4 little ones (the oldest was 5) out of church would have been a nightmare. So, I began nursing the baby in the pew – very discreetly. And I always thought I was the only one, since I could never find another mom doing it. What a relief.
Our church had no crying room, no daycare, no mother’s room. We’ve done everything from alternate masses to alternating baby duty in the back of the church. We’ve brought food, drink and toys and we’ve left those things at home. I’ve never had a model child, but one in particular (my second son) made me feel like the worst parent ever since I could not get him to behave or make it through Mass before he was 3 1/2 (he’s only 6 now, and I rarely have trouble with him during Mass, but he wails every Sunday morning that he doesn’t want to go).
Each child is different and each family is different and each situation is different. My dad isn’t Catholic, so my mom was happy to leave the little ones home with him. When she did take us all, I remember being dragged to the crying room (which was NOT a playground) and we all knew we were in big trouble when we got home. We all need to find what works best for us, and not feel bad if we aren’t like that family with ten little angels perfectly dressed with the 2 year old reverently lisping out the Our Father.
I KNOW that people look at my family and think that about it – we only have 5 kids, but they are not angels. We always get compliments on their behavior, but I am exhausted and frustrated at the end of Mass. My husband thinks it wise to put our 2 year old in pig tails, since she looks so cute it is difficult to be angry with her – thus obtaining forgiveness and mercy from all the adults in the area (most especially, her father). All the kids want to help entertain the baby, which means I spend much of Mass calming monkey antics. There are some Sundays when I insist on attending separate Masses, just because I need a break. And I truly admire those women who actually attend daily Mass with kids in tow. I think I’ve done that a handful of times and have no desire to do it again any time soon. I have a limit to my patience and sanity.
Homeschooling 5 of my 7 it took 2 days to read through all of the comments but I loved them!! Some small notes:
1. Mass in your home!! When my parents were on retreat teams the spiritual director said Mass for them at our home and the kids were included. My 5 yo brother wasn’t still– he was copying the priest. Now he’s ordained!
2. Sit early enough to pick a pew away from everyone else. Anyone who sits next to you is accepting what kids will do.
3. Try a couple weekday Masses as each child is starting to learn you have an expectation of them. The Mass is shorter so you can reward them for good behavior and the fewer the people the fewer distractions the child has.
4. Clinging children are trying to tell you something. Just like the one who crawls into your bed to snuggle is the one who was ignored the day before. As my family grew I found misbahavior was often a symptom of a childs needs not being met.
My mother is my ‘worst’ problem now! She knows this too will pass and is far more patient than I about the noises they make. She’s also my inspiration and when one is particularly needy that child gets to sit with Gramma and Poppa for the extra attention Our Lord would love them to have at Mass.
I offer a prayer of Thanksgiving to the bag lady that always looked grouchy to me– mea culpa. Her bag was full of Animal crackers!! The good ones. Every child in our parish I learned had a chance to be rewarded after a long Mass. and to Fr. Menge who, before we lost him to Alzheimers, loved that my convert husband didn’t know about crying rooms or going to the back. He walked the baby up and down the side aisle so he could hear the sermon. And Thank you to my husband who believes every moment as a family is worth any struggle. I did not get that our first 10 years together. Now that my Teens are working and attend a different Mass– I really miss them.
PS Big families get younger before they get older. You’ll still be in the pew with little ones as the older ones start serving altar, singing in choir or going alone because of work. Having a plan and back up ideas is a real help. My friends also love The Magnificat magazine. You can read the Mass readings and a sermon during naps.
I have four children, grown up now but I did have four under 8 and for a long time my husband was working 7/7 so I had to take them to Mass on my own. Mass was often a real struggle and I would leave Church wondering why I bothered. It seemed to me that it would be the Sundays when I felt I had had a really hard time that I would get comments about how well behaved my children were. I didn’t take sweets or biscuits to church. I did nurse during Mass and when the children had been weaned they were allowed a sippy cup for a while. Any bad behaviour meant they missed coffee and biscuits after Mass (didn’t happen more than once per child because if one child missed it meant all missed). The one time I broke the no food at mass rule was at a weekday mass for St Peter and St Paul. My dad had recently died and I was feeling very bad so took a few biscuits along for my boys because I couldn’t face struggling with them. Less than 5 minutes into the Mass (and I though my boys were being very good) a man came out of his pew and told me to "keep my ****** children quiet". I left the church in tears, fortunately for me the curate was outside washing his car and took me to the house for coffee and a very dear friend noticed and took my boys to the park for an hour.
I quite often have my grandchildren with me at Mass now but if I don’t I make sure I smile at children near me and will make an effort to complement a family on their children and say how nice it is to see them at mass.
My wife wrote about this last week on her blog Kids at Mass vs Children’s Liturgy of the Word.
I bring my three children (4yrs and under) to daily Mass. I try to avoid the cry room as it is such a distraction to my children to watch the other babies play or cry or walk around. I’d rather have them observe the other members of the congregation who give a good example of how to behave. I believe that even if all too often I cannot pray (due to the children) that they get graces from being there and that it will pay off in the end. It already has with my 2 and 4 year old. They know the responses and can stand and kneel…we constantly remind them, praise them, and correct them, but this is the most important thing we do.
I’d just like to chime in on the nursing thing. I have NO problem nursing the babies in the pew, with a big enough cover up, most people just think the baby is sleeping. My favorite is a big sarong — the baby doesn’t get to sweaty under there.
Everyone has really great ideas! Here are a few of our ideas/comments.
(1) now that I am an "older" mom, I realize I worried WAY to much about how my child/children are behaving in mass. With my first baby, as soon as she fussed my anxiety level went up (therefore hers did too) and I took her to the cry room right away. Now by baby five you learn that if you stay calm, they will more than likely settle down. Only leave if you absolutely need to.
(2) Sounds, crazy….but sit as close to the front as you can. Kids like to see!! If they can see rather than looking at everyone’s back, they behave better.
(3) Have the priests/deacons over for supper often. If your kids know the priest, they are excited to see them at church.
(4) Always prep before church. Our KEY WORD phrase is, "this is church". It sets church apart from everything else and shows them what behavior is expected. "You are sitting so nice–that is wonderful! Because ‘this is church’."
Just a few of our quick tips!
Many the time over 7.5 years of going to Mass with a little one or ones I have asked myself "is this worth it"? Wouldn’t it be better if, for this brief time while our kids are young, my husband and I just keep our peace, split up and go at different times? I asked this in prayer also and always seemed to get very strong feelings that, no, we should not go at different times but all together. I always felt that somehow it was worth the effort. God seems to place a high value on unity!
We have come to relax and are not tense about every little movement or sound a little person can make (like we were when our very, very active and talkative oldest child was a baby and toddler). Certain sounds and movements are going to happen and just have to be accepted.
But it seems to be the repetition of going every week together that teaches the children the importance of God and Mass and bit by bit they get better and better behavior. If the scuffles are handled serenely by me and/ or Dad they seem to die down faster and more peacefully.
In the high stimulation world our children live in Mass stands out as a place where they have to "be still and know God." It is good (if at times, painful) training for them. I tell ya, I’ve had to grow in patience too over the years.
Once, when my two oldest were very little, ages 4 and 1, I was asked by an elderly lady after daily Mass why on earth did I insist on bringing "those little devils" to Church which is meant to be a peaceful place of prayer?! Before I knew it I heard coming out of my mouth "Are you offering to babysit?"
On the practical side it helps to sit as close up front as possible, bring along the saint books, Mass books and the like. We do not sit, if we can help it, behind families where the kids have toys or food because this has proven to be a big distraction and sourc of discontentment to our kids. Also, I pray a Hail Mary before every Mass begins :o)- don’t laugh, it helps.
I’m getting a lot of encouragement from these comments, thanks for opening the floor, Danielle!
I have 5 kids but I wasn’t comfortable nursing during Mass until the last 2 – what a help! I have 2 suggestions:
1) I do think the best way to get good behavior on Sunday is to go to daily Mass. I know if you are frustrated already that sounds nuts! Try only one or two extra days a week, but for little guys once a week isn’t enough to train them.
2) Be very specific about what constitutes good behavior at Mass and review this in the car on the way there. In our house we are working on 3 things: good body prayer, paying attention to father, and saying the prayers nice and loud. We review how you know if you are doing each of these things (what does it look like?) and the why for each thing (e.g. good body prayer is showing Jesus that you love Him).
Our kids are 9 down to 11 months. For the younger kids we more work on staying in the pews and being quiet, but always with the emphasis that this is how we show Jesus we love Him. It’s so easy to get frustrated wanting your kids to be perfect, but if you can focus on your and their behavior as an act of love for Jesus (I am dragging them and myself to Mass and lovingly correcting their Mass antics because I love you Jesus.) you end up relaxing more and it all gets easier.
Let me add that my kids are far from perfect, my 11 month old loves the echo in the big church and we only do daily Mass twice a week or so!
I think it is WONDERFUL to have children come to Mass. Yes, bring some snacks, some books, some crayons and paper if necessary. I love having my 3 little grandchildren (ages 4, 2 and 2) sit in the same pew with me. They may not always be "saints" but who is? I love seeing other children in church and always make a point to smile and talk to them. The children and parents are so happy that other parishioners notice their child or children. Starting to bring your child to Mass early helps them get use to coming to Church. I’ve always liked this about the Catholic Church; they encouraged you to bring your child into Church with you to celebrate Mass as a family. It is also an easy way to start teaching them about Jesus and prayers and their church family. What a great way to meet people who love them. Parents ~ don’t worry ~ children grow so quickly, and the time will pass so quickly ~ if there are people who do not like children at Mass, well, they have forgotten that they were children once…and just say an extra prayer for them because they need it.
We have 6 boys 9 and under. We don’t always go together but I love when we do. Here’s what we do:
1- Make sure all the kids are really well fed. Even if they’ve eaten a good breakfast, granola bars are handed out after they are dressed.
2- I keep my twins (age 3) in a stroller strapped in the whole time and promise them lollipops after Communion. I push them I tiny bit if they get fidgety. People are amazed they stay but I’ve always done it this way so they are used to it. I tell the other kids they can have one after church.
3- We bring MagnifiKids for the older boys to read and follow the Mass. And other religious books.
This has been a serious struggle for me since I had three kids in four years.
My first was a perfectly content, quiet little girl who we could bring anywhere. The next two were two rambunctious, noisy boys.
Our solution was to put the boys in the nursery for Sunday mass since the one we attend generally lasts an hour and 20 minutes. They were not getting anything out of it nor were we or anyone else around us.
Instead, I bring them with me to daily mass at least twice a week. This mass is generally over with in 30 minutes and a bit more manageable. I feel that they are getting exposure to mass and learning appopriate behavior, even though at 2 and 1 they rarely practice it.
We have decided that once they turn four, we will then brave the long Sunday masses with them.