A Reader Writes:
I just finished reading the chapter in Mom to Mom called ‘Screening Our Influences’ and my question is this: How does one break away from friends who don’t help us to ‘cultivate a cheerful outlook?’ I have decided that I needed to stop spending time with a girlfriend of mine, and wonder about how to do so with charity. I don’t want to suddenly stop answering her phone calls and emails, but I also don’t want to have a conversation with her that sounds like a teenage break-up.”
First of all, to clarify for those who have not read the book, I do not recommend that mothers lock themselves away in closets in order to avoid contact with anyone who might not think exactly as they do. What I wrote in that chapter in part is as follows: “Because God’s call to motherhood can be such a personally challenging vocation, it only makes sense to surround ourselves with as much support and encouragement in this endeavor as possible … In a world of negativity, every mother should take care to cultivate a cheerful outlook and then to guard her healthy, positive attitude like the priceless treasure it is.”
That said, I think you have the right idea about avoiding a dramatic “break up” with your friend. If you have standing appointments to meet with a person whose influence you consider an unhealthy one, you can begin by canceling some of those meet ups. You don’t need to explain it. We women do way too much explaining, I think. For some reason, we feel like we can’t ever say, “Thanks for inviting me, but I won’t be able to make it” without throwing in some kind of explanation for our refusal. But we don’t owe anybody that.
You can limit phone calls and other exchanges in the same way. Your friend might eventually notice that you are pulling away, but what you are doing is not really different from the way friendships naturally grow apart when two people don’t share values or interests. Of course you should remain cheerful and kind in your limited interactions with this person.
However you decide to handle it, keep in mind that your family should always come first. If your relationship with anyone is hurting your family, you not only have a right to end it, you have an obligation to do so. No explanation required.
I had to do this, too. I did not call nor answer e-mails as often. I just told her, when asked, that our schedule was changing to include more school and that I wouldn’t be talking as much on the phone.
On the other side, (it has been six months), I am so much better for it. I do not have to waste so much energy trying to remain positive around her negativity, and my children and I are finding a few other friends that are much more positive and FUN!
I totally and completely agree with Danielle that you have an obligation to end any relationship that is hurting you and your family. No person is worth the stress it is causing you.
God Bless you, and good luck!
I think you gave a fair, balanced answer, Danielle.
I think it’s also charitable to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to maintain ties, even if it means slowing things down with another family. This happens naturally anyway because people get busy or because of illness or a some other reason.
I try to think about how I would feel if I were on the receiving side of the fence when I decide how I would handle interpersonal situations. Sometimes I find my intentions aren’t exactly as charitable as I think they are.
found in life if I keep in mind that all have different viewpoints and that I do not try to change them exception being language is offending that they are using I can handle all that I meet up with
Whew… this is so tough. I am also currently in a simlar situation. I think this is a matter of discernment. I am trying to discover whether God wants me to keep ties (even if it’s only occasionally) because I might be an influence of positive for this poor soul who told me she takes antidepresants. OR to sever ties gradually for the sake of myself so that I’m not brought down.
So I don’t have a conclusion yet, but I know that only one person knows the answer, and He doesn’t usually speak to us directly 🙂
I Heartily agree with the difficulty women have in just saying "No Thank YOu." I have had tumultuous friendships which would be so much better off if one of us could have just said "Not today" without feeling guilt, or hear it without feeling rejected. We are all grown-ups here. Not everyone has to like everyone else. Not everyone can come to every party! Thankfully–in the sphere of large Catholic families I now find myself in, we all are more pratical. Homeschooling, and many children, take a lot of time. It’s harder to have a nice dinner together when inviting 3 families means 15 or more children! So the friends I have now are faster to forgive the absence of phone calls–even though these are the positive women I WANT to spend time with!
There is another excellent book called Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend which deals with the writer’s question. The authors state in their introduction their purpose: "to achieve relationships and purposes that God intends for you as you grow in him." These are Christian writers.
When friendships start to feel downright toxic, I think it’s God’s way of saying: we must move on; it’s time to leave.
If you picture yourself as a child of God–literally as a little toddler with God guiding you by the shoulders as you walk through life–you will come to realize that God allows all kinds of people to cross our path. That doesn’t mean that all of these people are good for us. What’s great is that He lets us choose to stop and stay awhile or to walk away.
If it doesn’t feel right at all (as has happened to me in quite a few friendships), I really believe that He’s gently pulling us away from what is not good for us.
I at one time had to stay away from one of my best friends for a time, because she was always having "problems" with one thing or another. I have been able to maintain this friendship by keeping my distance at times. We have never had a conversation about those times, probably because she is the type who doesnt’ do too much of the phone thing. I have gone months without speaking to her. Then, we pick up where we left off. This person wasn’t/isn’t toxic, she was just a little overwhelming at times. She is one of my best friends as I have stated already. I have many happy memories that I have shared with her and her children. I have shared good times and bad times with her. Dont’ be so quick to discard good friends. Sometimes all that is needed is a little space. Of course, if the relationship is causing distress, get out quick! God will lead you in the right direction.
this is such a good topic and i find myself in a similiar quandary but with a different twist: what if the negative people or the people who bring out the negative in YOU are people that you work with?
i’ve been dealing with this lately and really have no idea how to go about overcoming my part in it…
Here’s a question: what if it is *family members* and their "significant others"? How do we discern if something is toxic or an occasion of sin as opposed to loving our neighbor/duty to relatives? Sometimes we may even live in a household that is a "necessary occasion of sin". Now, of course, this specific question is centered on friendship, but sometimes our best friends can be/have been/should be family members? Just throwing this in to complicate things and further the discussion…;)
I think there are times when we need to be charitable.
I think there are times we need to be the positive influence in someone else’s life.
But…
We ALWAYS need to make our family and our family’s needs a priority. Sometimes, our family needs to learn sacrifice, and so they give up their time with mom so she can be charitable or a positive influence on someone else. But often, we have an easier time putting off our obligations to our own home and family so that we can "be there" or "be strong" for someone else.
I am not the same person I was 9 years ago. When I first became a mother, I sought other new mothers for freindship. After a few years and another baby, I gradually realized that I was going in a different direction. I began to understand motherhood as a vocation, and embraced it. I found other women who felt the same. The original group of friends was very "me" oriented. They wanted to space the children or limit the children so they weren’t overwhelmed. They wanted to have mommy time on a regular basis. They wanted their husbands to do a good portion of the child care and housework, even though they didn’t work outside the home. They couldn’t wait for the kids to grow up and go to school so they could go back to work. They were pro-contraception and pro-abortion. They were scandalized when I announced I was pregnant with my third.
I gradually decreased the times per month I would get together for playdates. I was conveniently busy when they got together for moms night out. I would still talk to them, and occasionally get together with them, but my life and their lives got busier as the kids got older and I felt no need to make sure we were signing our kids up for this music-time with mommy lesson or that preschool program or whatever together.
I have also had many many "friendships" where I was emotionally drained by an extremely needy person (or family). Time, energy, money…all expended to help someone get through a hard time that never seemed to end. It is difficult to say no to someone who seems to really need help – and God WANTS us to help, we tell ourselves – but again, if our family is suffering too much (and many husbands will be more than happy to let us know when we’re spending too much of our family’s resources on others), then we need to put some distance between these people and ourselves.
It is ok to let go of friends. Even good friends can still love each other and pray for each other and care for each other without close daily or weekly contact because of different current needs. Sometimes we cling more tightly to not-so-good friendships out of guilt, when instead we should be encouraging a natural distance that develops between people who do not share the same interests.
Posted at the same time I was writing was Nina’s question about family members.
If the toxic family member is the huband or wife (or the minor children), I can offer no useful suggestions. Praying and seeking counseling are the first steps.
If the family members are extended family: parents, siblings, their spouses, etc. then it depends on their level of toxicity. I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents, but I would be wrong to subject them to an abusive or immoral relationship. It’s nice to have uncles, aunts and cousins for the kids, but if Uncle Chuck is a loud-mouthed womanizer who spews profanity and the odor of cigarettes and beer, then there is no need for my children to have close contact with him. Weddings, funerals, baptisms, and a quick exit if things go south at the get-together afterward should not require an apology.
I have relatives who are nice and not an obvious bad influence. But their religious beliefs and practices are unacceptable to me (I’m pretty tolerant, but…) and other past behavior (unrepentant) is outside what I consider remotely appropriate. I would not allow my children unsupervised visits in their home. I am happy that physical distance keeps my children’s contact with their "culture" to a minimum. I would recommend getting far away from family members who are bad for your family. Move to another state (the army is hiring…).
As far as the family member consideration, I’d recommend consulting a good priest about it. Depending on the level of contact/amount of distance between you and the family member there may be different strategies to employ. A family member who lives close, but whose values are different, may be more problematic than the truly toxic family member who lives far away and is seldom in your life except at large family gatherings.
I found myself in a similar situation with a close friend of many years. I knew I needed to distance myself. To my shock, after a few months of distance, I was able to see how much better off we BOTH were with our distance. We weren’t benefitting each other. Her with her negativeness and me with my anguish over it wasn’t helping. No matter how positive I was I saw no good coming of our friendship. It took a lot out of me to admit I too was a problem for her. This realization helped me grow in my life. Now, we reconnect every so often and my friend seems happier and less negative.
This leaves me wondering if I conditioned my friend to be negative around me. Did I perpetuate the negativeness by not saying or doing something to stop it sooner? Whatever the reason, in my situation, I may have done this.
I clearly see now that I have a choice to either allow those out there to pour out negativeness and listen half heartedly and ignore it, or point it out in hopes of change.
I think as a culture we put too much emphasis on "talking things out" and "confronting your adversity" etc. etc. Is that the Oprah influence? Nevertheless, rarely in my opinion (other than with my husband) has "talking things out" ever lead to anything productive. Maybe a friend knows why you don’t like her anymore, but you know what? You probably learned a lot about yourself too that maybe you weren’t ready to hear. So, now I just vote with my feet. If a friendship isn’t easy in the way that friendships are supposed to be, I don’t waste my time anymore. I’ve got enough on my plate with my husband, his job, my four children, my extended family, my house, etc. etc. Of course, this gets easier and easier to do the older you get and the busier you are.
To ask a question of Pam : are the antidepressants "the problem" ? While I do indeed think that they are prescribed and used too frequently in the place of a good old fashioned examination of conscience and personal WORK, I hope that the mere mention of the word doesn’t mean "Stay away ; I’m a mess and will bring you down." Also, I think the most important statement was this "… remain cheerful and kind in your limited interactions with this person." ( focus on "limited" ! ). Sure wish this group could be having pots of tea and talking …!
I am also torn everyday with a friendship that I do not know if I want to continue with. I get along quite well with the person, but she has insurmountable family issues and the whole time we are around each other she goes on and on about her rotten her husband is to her or how mean her children are. We attend church together and she is godmother to my youngest son, who is autistic but has connected with her. I would like to keep her for a friend, but I feel mentally and emotionally drained after spending even a short time with her. I’ve gotten to a point right now where I haven’t stopped visiting with her, but we spend alot less time together then we used to. It may be the only way we can continue to be friends I guess.
Danielle–thank you for your great advice on how to break off a friendship. I have been agonizing over this for awhile. My "friend" send a scathing E-mail to me criticizing my use of "time-outs" for my 2-year old son. She thought that method wasn’t a gentle enough punishment and that I should talk it out with my son (at 2 years old!!). If she really didn’t like my parenting style, I WISH she would’ve gently let the friendship go. Now it is I who will be taking your advice, Danielle, and letting the friendship float away.
I especially like that you said "Of course you should remain cheerful and kind in your limited interactions with this person." That helps a lot, since I’ve been wondering how to deal with her when I am around her.
Thank you!
I’ve had this experience a few times in my life. The worst was a pen pal I had known since I was a teenager. She hadn’t made the wisest of decisions in her life and when I tried to help her, she lashed out in words, criticizing my own parenting style. I stopped writing to her for several years. In the meantime, we had moved and had our third child.
Last year, she tracked down my address and wrote to me again. After a lot of soul searching, I decided to practice forgiveness and wrote to her again. Her life situation had changed somewhat, but she still had similar problems. The difference was that I had changed. I learned to more easily let the drama of her life roll off of me and accept her for who she is, flaws and all. I have had experiences that cause me to cherish the people whose lives touch mine. The troubled ones usually want someone to vent to, and while I know it is not something everyone can do, I feel spiritually drawn to listen. I no longer give advice, only understanding and empathy.
My own parents have acted very negative at times, and when I stopped trying to fix their problems I found that I was less affected by them. The anxiety came from the problem solving.
As a mom, I know I have an innate need to solve problems. I want to "mom" my friends, kiss it and make it better, dust them off, make suggestions. But most people don’t want me to solve their problems, they just want someone to listen.
I have had to end friendships like this, old, unhealthy, un-Christlike friendships leftover from college. I just did what Danielle suggested, just gradually start breaking contact and let things drift apart. It worked. I think these friends realize too that you are heading in a different direction.
what do you do when you’re the "toxic friend"? I’m struggling in my marriage and when friends ask how it’s going, I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’m always negative, even when I don’t mean to be. I just need to talk sometimes. And then I’m suddenly realizing I’m not invited anywhere anymore. I’m seeing a therapist to try to help me keep from dumping on my friends, but I fear it’s too late. And here I am dumping again on strangers this time!
To Jen,
I was going through an awful time a few years ago with my son. I found that my "true" friends were the only ones who put up with all my misery. And it truly was misery. The friend I spoke about earlier was one of the only ones who was empathetic towards my situation. At that terrible time I found that my best friends were ones I found at church. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I think it was more of a God-incidence. Right now you are going through a lot. You are wise to have a therapist. Mine helped me through the hell I was going through. (Sorry, but that is what it was.) ONe thing I learned was not to go into too much detail about what was going on. Sometimes people just dont’ want to hear all that. I found it was better to say something like "I’m hanging in there." or " Can you pray for me?" than to go into details. And you know what? Some people are just "afraid" of problems. And that is their issue, not yours. God Bless you Jen, I will pray for you, in your difficult situation.
The Temperment God Gave You
The Classic Key to Knowing Yourself
Authors:
Art Bennett
Laraine Bennett
Price:$16.95
This book has been used by many in our Marraige prayer group and in our homeschool group for just this purpose. It helps you determine your natural tendancies, where they can be good for you and God’s plan. And where you need to be careful.
My top score shows I like to fix EVERYTHING. This can be annoying to people but does give me the energy to deal with a big family and big projects.
But my next top score shows I can be negative. I have to bite my lip a lot but it often leads me to prayer.
So for some difficult relationships I backed way off and the person understood, others did not get that there was a problem. But that’s the way they are. I can’t change them. God can use them.
We also really used the technolgy available to help. We set aside time that we would use the answering machine not the phone. Our message warned people that yes, we were screening calls to have more family time. I have emailed that I would only look at emails once a week so please limit what was sent. I use the delete key.
Each statement like this is Not a rejection of friendship. It is a bold counter culteral, "I love being with and serving my family!" And yuo never know how hearing that will change someone.
Whole books could probably be written on this subject. I enjoyed Christine’s perspective immensely: that she learned to listen rather than try to solve; and also that she feels spiritually drawn to listen, while realizing this is not something everyone can do. I would like to add that "to comfort the sorrowful", "to counsel the doubtful", and so on are spiritual works of mercy. We are not all called to do each and every one of the spiritual and corporal works of mercy, but they do remain works of mercy, nevertheless. What is a "toxic" relationship? Probably different for different people at different times. The duties of our vocation do come first and we need the time and energy for that. And if someone is telling us in a threatening way how we ought to raise our children, or giving us doubts about our faith, or tempting us to sin, or even if we are wasting a lot of time with this person, then our listening to them or spending time with them is probably not charity at all. For those times when we do need to limit the relationship, I loved how Danielle said we should "remain cheerful and kind in your limited interactions". I think those are words to meditate on. I like both the "cheerful and kind" and the word "limit interactions" rather than "cut off". I think there are very few times when it is charitable or necessary to cut someone off entirely. On a different aspect, a couple of people mentioned anti-depressants. I’ve known two people who were taking anti-depressants, and these people have both been among the greatest blessings in my life, very sweet, compassionate and giving people (and very different from one another…it’s just like any other need, like taking hay fever medication or high blood pressure medication). At one time, I was prescribed anti-depressants for a short period of time because of a pounding heart, which the doctor said was stress-related. She said we could do something expensive, which I could not afford at the time, or she could temporarily put me on a mild anti-stress medication, which she said was an anti-depressant. Moving on, what constitutes "negative"? We all have problems, but people go through more and less difficult times in their lives…and have different degrees of support networks. Jen, for those of us who sometimes feel – or who feel at a certain period of time – that we are the one who is being negative, I think a smile and a sense of humor go a long way. The same "cheerful and kind" attitude that Danielle spoke of toward those with whom one must limit interactions can probably also help us be easier to be around when we are going through something. There was a short time in my life when I felt like I had almost nothing to give, my concerns were overwhelming me too much to even listen to someone else’s problem (they could talk; I just couldn’t actively listen). But I tried to give people a big smile, and ya’ know, I think that smile helped me even more than it helped the people I dealt with. Another thing I try to do, when I’m feeling overwhelmed (though I sometimes slip up in this area) is to "spread it around", not tell "all my problems" to one person. Sometimes several people can listen in smaller doses…and sometimes that’s all we need. Growing up, someone very close to me (or should have been close) was not able to be supportive because she did not receive (perhaps did not seek) support. So I guess maybe I overdo my own support-seeking at times, but I believe that every woman needs the support of other women, in some way. When it comes to dealing with "negative people", I think we need to pray and think about just what we mean by negative. I think that it is all a matter of balance and we need to pray to the Holy Ghost for guidance about when to listen and "be there" for someone, on the one hand, and on the other hand, when and how to protect our need to take care of our family, fulfill the duties of our vocation, and keep our own peace of mind and heart.
I must say this topic has unbelievable timing–here is why.
I call these "high maintenance" relationships. Typically I RUN from these friendships. I at the moment have a "high maintenance friend" (right now all my friends that read your blog are wondering if this is them—it isn’t!!!) This friend likes to call during the day–multiple times!! (and lengthy I might add) I used to feel guilty monitoring her by caller ID…I no longer feel guilty. However, I do try to "listen" to her at least one time a day. Like another person wrote, sometimes we just need someone to listen. I had considered pulling away from this friend but haven’t.
Just yesterday I ran into someone that knows my friend. She said something like this to me: You are such a good friend to ______. She has been attending church more, volunteering more, and wanting to change her life. ______ talks about how you give her ideas; you tell her the truth not just what she wants to hear; you challenge her to be a better person; you suggest books to read; you tell her you will pray for her; and she says that you really listen to her. _____ is so much happier now than she has ever been.
YIKES! and I thought about how she isn’t hearing a word I am saying and that it is so taxing! I still stand firm on limiting her. However, we may never know the example or influence we have on others by just trying to live by God’s example. We need to be true to ourselves and God’s "natural" example will lead others down a better path.
I, too, had a "toxic" friend I had to let go of. Unfortunately, the friendship begin a bit out of pity — she was a bit of a desparate figure and really needed friends, was on antidepressants, etc. But I think she may have been using these things to sort of manipulate me into staying her friend. The reason I broke things off – she was hypercritical about the Church and beginning to lead an immoral lifestyle, and I felt myself being more influenced by her rather than being a positive influence for her. I stopped returning phone calls and emails, but I do pray for her. Ultimately, sometimes prayers are the best thing. Still, I feel a bit guilty, but I know I made the right decision. Does anyone have any thoughts about "pity" friendships — is it wrong to be friends with someone because you feel bad for them?
Hi ladies! I’m the one who wrote to Danielle (thank you, by the way, for posting this on your blog! I was so surprised!) and I cannot tell you how much wisdom I have gained by reading all of your responses. After reading everyone’s advice I feel like I have the answer to how to deal with this person that God has put in my life for a reason — for her AND for me!
I have always been surrounded by unhealthy family relationships and so I have sought out healthy friendships. The friends I have made over the years became the family that I needed. God has always provided me with the sister and brotherhood that I longed for through my friendships.
I have been working with a therapist to get my family relationships in order, and no sooner did things start "working" with my family when this lady walked into my life. Funny. So for me, it is a new experience to deal with an unhealthy friendship. I am learning so much about myself and life in general through this whole experience, and am confident that the inspiration you have all given me will help me (and probably my friend) to grow. Ultimately, growing up surrounded by very unhealthy people has been quite a cross for me. God has truly purified me and allowed me so many amazing experiences to heal me of many of the hurts and drama that continue to plague my siblings (and now their children — so sad). I have had to really work at understanding that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for my siblings. I can do so much good by simply living and leading by example WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. I know that I need to apply what I’ve been doing with my family the last couple of years to this friendship. The rest is up to the Lord!
So again, thank you! I love coming to your blog everyday, Danielle. It’s my little "cup of tea" each day;)
~Mary
to Jess,
You said:
Does anyone have any thoughts about "pity" friendships — is it wrong to be friends with someone because you feel bad for them?
IF the relationship turns out to be toxic, yes. My motto lately is "boundaries, boundaries, boundaries". If you are being used, end it. If you feel like you are helping and the Lord is leading you in the right direction, stay with it.
This is all great advice. I was quite troubled, however, by the comment about "this poor soul who told me she takes antidepresants". I’ve never personally needed to take this type of medication, but many of our sisters in Christ do have a legitimate need to have this kind of medical help for certain periods of their lives, and to indicate that those taking antidepressants are "poor souls" that we need to pity and guard ourselves against is not only uncharitable but way off base. Hopefully the comment was made without much thought, but I think it’s important to guard ourselves against treating those on antidepressants as if we’re somehow better than they are . . . because there but for the grace of God go all of us.
Jen, your situation is difficult–I’ll pray for you.
I do think there’s a difference between a "toxic" friend and a friend who’s going through a difficult time. In my view, a "toxic" person seems to go through one crisis after another, focuses only on him/herself, never has time to do anything but complain about their troubles, etc. But any friend can go through a rough patch, and I think at those times we may be called to act the part of Simon of Cyrene and help carry their cross, just a little, even if all we can do is listen, be there, pray, and share with them a little of our own peace and tranquility.
To Jess:
My experience has been that it is usually a good thing to be a bit open to a person in pain, out of charity. I do think that all of us know, on some level, when we are being helped or tolerated because we seem ‘desperate’ or ‘pitiful’ though. It feels very different to have someone be kind to you, than it does to have them doing the same actions because they think you’re pitiful. I know some people who think that making a ‘pitiful’ person into their own ‘Christian project’ is a good idea. I don’t agree with that. Kindness & charity are always appreciated; but when one is beginnng to take too much responsibility for anyone else’s life or problems, that’s where I draw the line. Just my 2 cents. 😉
Danielle’s suggestions seem right on the money and have definitely worked for me with a playgroup that I was involved in. The friendships I had to bring to an end were not the type mostly being discussed here. The playgroup that I had been a part of since my first son was born was getting toxic as a whole. The group had started with a just a few women and had grown over the years. At the end of my involvement the main topics of conversation seemed to be their husbands vasectomies, other peoples shortcomings, and all that is superficial in life. I went home wondering when I was going to be the next one talked about. It took me quite a while to stop going to the playgroups(I was a part of the group for about 5 years). It was when I realized my kids weren’t enjoying going either that I stopped. It was so hard for me, because I wondered what I was going to do for friendships. I now have only two women who I spend any time with(neither of them from the playgroup). These women are beautiful Catholic women and I treasure their friendship. I am so glad that I took the leap of faith and left the playgroup. My life is so much more peaceful now that I have friendships that are God-given. None of our lives are perfect, but we are able to help each other through things without judgements.
Thanks for your great blog, Danielle!
Some friends seem more selfish than others, but I have found you really don’t know a person until you need help and you ask them. If I am having doubts about the quality of a relationship I will take my turn being the needy one to see if this person is capable of being a real friend. If they are then I still hang out with them and try to make sure my positive mood is infectious so I bring them up instead of allowing them to bring me down.
I personally think people should realise that you may be the toxic friend at times and need understanding and support. Life and relationships is based on give and take, sometimes you give and sometimes you take. I like most people have had drak patches in my life and marriage and have found it beneficial to have several good friends to talk to and seek support from and I hope I have done the same for them. I prefer the line of the emotional bank account, sometimes you deposit with the other in the relationship and sometimes you withdraw
I personally think when friendshps fail, it just happens naturallly as you both move in different directions and little needs to be formally done to sever the ties as it happens anyway
Michelle, You are awesome! I am still chuckling about the Army part…. Thank you for commenting on my question back there. I just got a chance to check in to this thread. I have found it to be an excellent and helpful discussion. Thank you, Danielle, once again, for that intuitive reading of all our hearts.
For Allison: Well, reading my statement again I can see why I came across that way. What I mean is that I’m afraid that by "abandoning her" (especially since she is so attached to our friendship) that I’m afraid it may escalate her depression or make her more vulnerable to the ramifications rather than just moving on. (that probably didn’t sound very sensative). So no, I don’t want to avoid her because she’s taking antidepressants, I’m just afraid of contributing to her struggle. I don’t want her to "bring me down" because she gossips and complains all the time and her kids act the same. I hope I made myself clearer and I welcome your thoughts.