My husband is going to laugh when he sees this post. And that reminds me: Gentlemen, please leave the room.
Okay ladies, now that we are alone we might as well go ahead and admit it. Feminine moods and emotions are a delicate balance of chemicals. A delicate balance that is not always so … balanced, am I right?
Between pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, menstruation, and menopause, it seems there is always some way that we women are being held hostage by hormones. It’s nice to aspire to lofty spiritual goals, but my own day in and day out experiences make me painfully aware that I am a physical creature too.
But that’s no excuse for behaving badly. We should never let our hormones control us so completely that we victimize our families with wild mood swings, severe depression, or terrifying anxiety. Some women need medical intervention in order to manage PMS or PPD, and we should support them in getting the help they need.
But then there are the rest of us. We might not need medication, but we do sometimes need a good cry. Or temper tantrum. Or giant bar of chocolate. Or girlfriend to call us up and make us laugh about the fact that we just threatened to sell the 2 year old to the UPS man if he made a half decent offer. Not that I did that.
Personally, I find that being honest about my lack of control in hormonal situations is very helpful. If I can say to my husband (or even just to myself) “This doesn’t make any sense, but I need to cry right now” or “This doesn’t make any sense, but I am getting angry and I need to leave the room right now” I have won the battle already. I might still feel the crazies, but they won’t control me. I can see past them, to my saner self. And I know I will be back there soon.
How do you deal? How do you handle your hormones?
I’ve begun drinking 2tbs of flax oil every morning and noticed that it’s improving my balance a bit. Yoga helps too, as does diving headfirst into my children’s trick or treat buckets to search for twix bars.
A few months ago, I realized that it wasn’t fair to be controlled by my hormones. My family deserves better.
Besides the fact that menopause is going to kill me if I can’t handle PMS!
Hee hee! How timely! I have to laugh. I just gave birth to my fourth child last week and the post-partum hormones are having a field day. You should be proud of me, though – instead of expressing my heartfelt rage when my husband casually commented that he didn’t think we should clutter up the patio with a picnic table (that I have been yearning for) I suggested that we talk about it another time. Yes! Self control won that hormones battle! The dear man had no idea what he nearly didn’t miss out on.
I’m a firm believer that feeling hormonal does not ever justify subjecting others to bad behavior. Try to step away from the situation, admit that you can’t deal rationally with it, you’ll be glad you did!
All of the above, I agree with. You gotta control the crazy.
But, prayer and diet and exercise, along with sleep, help. I also love the 6 hour BBC "Pride and Prejudice"- A "P-P" night-pudding, popcorn, Pinot Grigio…really, we deserve to be good to ourselves. And Colin Firth and white wine really help:)
I’ll be 65 next month. The last 10 years have been wonderful for me, hormone wise. I am very even tempered and can and do handle many problems, which I won’t go into right now. From 45 to 55, menopause wasn’t too bad but I did suffer hot flashes and night sweats. During the last few years of menopause, I did take medication for the symptoms then stopped medication at 55 years of age. BUT I do remember the teenage years through my early 40’s, when I suffered from severe PMS. I learned (much later) that my nickname (unbeknownst to me) was "Buckets." PMS wasn’t talked about too openly. I routinely had severe cramps and frequent cying jags during my hormonal days. I would take warm baths, use electrical heating pads, enjoy "escape" reading…(movie magazines, etc.)and would want to be by myself. I would leave my husband in charge and go driving by myself for about half an hour until I felt my mood improve. I have an understanding husband and he would try to give in to whatever I wanted to do during those times. Whoever is suffering these mood changes due to hormonal issues, I can truthfully say that I have been there and that it will get better with age. :o)
Unfortunately, I don’t deal well, and I have no remedies or helps. The hormones mostly run me. PMS is dealable, but it’s the 9 months of pregnancy that are 9 months of hell for my family. Patience is at about 1-2%. Frustration easily goes from 0-110% in a split second and then I’m screaming at everyone. I pray for grace and for patience every day, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. (Currently in my 8th month of pregnancy with 4th child.) Not a good situation coupled with homeschooling (on the patience and frustration front). I hope when I’m before God at my judgement that he takes into account how He created us with these raging hormones and that mitigates my sins…and that when we actually overcome the effects of hormones, that’s like extra credit? 🙂
Before 6 months ago I would not have understand this post. I never had PMS and I had a pretty mood-free pregnancy.
Then I gave birth. And started nursing. I CLEARLY remember the Wednesday after Gianna was born, and I my nipples were SORE and she wasn’t latching well and I was EXHAUSTED and Gianna was finally sleeping, and I was waiting in the living room with my mom for the La Leche League Leader to arrive to "save me please!" and I just started to bawl. My mom was shocked, since I’m not a cry-er. She was like… ‘Annabelles….what’s wrong???"
Me: "I-i-i don’t want her to WAKE UP…be-be-because if she wakes UP I’ll have to fe-fe-feed her and and and I don’t WANT to feeeeeeeeed her…..I am so so sore and and I am the worst mother in the WORLD bebebbebecause shouldn’t I WANT her her to wake up?!?!??!?!"
My mom was like…"oooooooooohhhh-kay….You’re taking a nap this afternoon."
Crazy. But, it all worked out. We’re still exclusively nursing and she just turned 6 months and I am slowly learning that I cannot forgo sleep. 🙂 And having a little time every once in awhile to myself, even if it’s just to take a shower for 20 mins or something. And I ask St Gianna, my daughter’s namesake, for help All.the.time.
For me the hardest thing to deal with is when I start feeling down because all my friends are going out for drinks, or for movie night, and I cannot go. I’m 23. Most of my friends are not married, and the few that are married are contracepting. I feel like I can’t vent to my friends because then they’ll be thinking, "YEP. That Anne her crazy Catholicness…thank goodness I’m not Catholic, married, and having kids…she is EXACTLY why I am not having kids right now." It’s like I have to be the happy poster child for young marriage and allowing God to plan families.
I have to remind myself constantly how blessed I am to have such a faithful DH and a beautiful little girl and to have this little domestic church that we have started.
Oh, bless you, Danielle! I have been feeling a slave to my hormones these past 3 months and just blew up the other night at my husband because I just needed a good knock-down fight. Luckily I was able to recognize what was happening shortly afterwards and apologized and shared a good laugh with him over the inanity of the whole thing. I have returned to my fertile roller coaster, replete with teenage-style acne and alien bouts of frustration and anger. I do quite well on pregnant and nursing hormones, but these fertile period hormones sometimes get the best of me. I know if my 3 year old tells me that I’m not being very sweet, then it’s time to reign in the drama and fake it till I make it. My children and husband deserve not to live with a troll. So recognition is 90 percent of the battle. After that, I do a lot of faking a good mood, smiling when I feel like crying, laughing when I fell like yelling. If I feel like my top’s gonna blow, I quickly reverse course and have a quick wrestle with my son (whose giggles are quite infectious), a tickle tackle, or turn on the music and start dancing my goofiest…it really works to change my mood and act as a "reset" button.
For me after years of PMS I got a lot of relief after seeing a doctor who is trained by the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha. You can see if there is anyone in your area at http://www.fertilitycare.org Otherwise try as much as possible to take care of yourself. Getting sleep, eating something besides chocolate although I love chocolate the sugar drop after makes the moods worse for me, a nice bath or walk alone can really help. Ask your husband for a 1/2 hr or so to yourself in the evening. My husband prefers that greatly to me having a meltdown. The pregnancy hormones are harder since they last for 9 months but getting rest seems to really help there which can be hard to you have 2-3 other young children.
With time I have come to realize many of things you said above. After five children, I have been either pregnant or nursing or both for ten and a half years. I have come to recognize that crazy person who occassionally emerges as a result of physical changes in my body and laugh at her and her antics. I no longer believe her when she tries to convince me that a long ride alone to a far away state would be better than life at home or that once I have started weeping I will never stop because there is just so much to weep about. I too can look past those moments and know that the saner side of me will re-emerge momentarily. My husband has learned many of the same things and no longer believes her when she snaps irritable words or crumbles in a heap because she can’t handle life any more. He doesn’t laugh like I do, because he is aware of the wrath that could evoke, but he does in fact smile, console, and not jump into the fray. I have learned to recognize the signs of those physical changes and give myself and others warning that a bad day could be imminent, and to arrange life accordingly…that’s probably not the day to take everyone grocery shopping with me or try to teach an art lesson or do a complex craft with the kiddos. And I know what the best remedy for me is, the warm bath, the cordless phone, and the listening ear of a friend with a good sense of humor. I plan that escape into the day, and I use it, early and often. When I do get a little crazy, my husband now says, "You wanna go take a bath or call someone?"
I am one who has benefited from medical help for PMS. I have just had to admit that this is not something I can handle "on my own." And with medicine, it’s better. Not perfect, but at least I can detach enough (usually) to realize what’s really at work here, and know that, as you say, my "saner self" is just around the corner. Without medicine, that’s absolutely impossible for me.
BUT what I haven’t gotten a handle on is when my husband reminds me that what’s going on is PMS. For some reason, husbands are NOT allowed to say that!! I have to be the one to admit my lack of control and the reason for it.
Fortunately my husband is understanding and the kids handle it when I tell them I’m "not feeling good right now."
And prayer helps too. It really does!
Can I first say that for probably years I had undiagnosed hypothyroidism, the side effects of which can be mood swings and (for me, mild) depression. It’s just that my body does not make enough thyroid-stimulating hormone. I always thought it was just bad PMS at times, but I have to say, since I’ve been taking a synthetic hormone to make up for what my body doesn’t produce, I no longer have such up and down emotions and mood swings. Even through pregnancy and nursing! And it makes knowing when it’s just hormones that much easier! I will think, "Why am I so upset about this stupid thing? Why am I acting this way?" and then I realize it’s just PMS. I just eat a lot of ice cream (from a certain pair of brothers from Vermont that I don’t think I’m supposed to eat because they give money to lots of liberal causes.. shame on me) and warn my husband that any unexplained behavior the next day or so is just hormones. He’s just so sweet to me at those times! I just love him.
I agree that we should control our hormones instead of letting them do the controlling. But then there are those times . . . That’s when I go visit a few of my favorite local antique stores. Something about walking around, looking for that great find, and feeling my creativity surface is very calming to me. Of course, there is always a roaring fireplace, a fuzzy blanket, and a glass of wine!
Boy, is this an appropriate topic for me today! I generally don’t have any major hormonal issues, but here in the third trimester, I’m getting whacky. I teared up when my son’s preschool class recited “Five Little Pumpkins” last week.
My husband’s going out of town for several days, our home is a wreck because we’re painting (e.g., plastic all over our living room, no furniture to sit on, etc.)and I’m just becoming anxiety-ridden and weepy – most of which I’m attributing to hormones, the rest to my natural neuroses .
I don’t have any cure except a good cry, prayer, and laughter, if you can managae it. And perseverance.
I have used a natural progesterone balancing cream, and it has virtually eliminated PMS. It delivers a small amount of progesterone (15-20 mg)transdermally.
I’m in a slightly different situation since between my 2 little ones I’ve only had 2 periods in almost 4 years.
While nursing I’m pretty steady – unless I’m tired (and then watch out). And I’ve begun to recognize the warning signs of when I’ve really had a few rough days. – I tend to start believing that my husband is an evil man or lazy or some other negative description without any provocation other than some very small annoyance.
And when I notice that these are flying fast and furious in my head I try to check them, and I warn him. That way he knows where some of it is coming from, and can either block me out or gently remind me that I’m tired.
If I remember correctly this is what I would do when I was moody too.
Sometimes I just need to take a little walk outside in the cold or heat (away from everyone) and just sit on a curb for 5 minutes to think about what I was saying or doing and why. And then I could go back in to my spouse and explain where I was, and why I am being a little crazy.
I am very blessed in that I have very regular cycles, which helps in practicing NFP, and also has given me good insight to PMS. I noticed after tracking cycles that I suffered from periodic insomnia 2 or 3 nights before the onset of my period. It got so bad a few years ago that I went to the doctor and got a rx for Lunesta. This has helped tremendously. I don’t abuse it and I know when to use it effectively.
The other thing I’ve done is try to chanel my excess energy positively when I have PMS. I tend to do heavy cleaning, exercise more and return all those phone calls that I tend to put off. PMS can be a very productive time for me. I also eat more carbs during that time.
Well I was doing pretty well but things sneak up on you. I had cut to 1/2 caff coffe but realized this week that since hubby gave up coffee I’ve been drinking the whole pot.
So I going back to my plan from when I really had to be careful and I’m booking my doctor appt and getting thyroid sreening:
limit caffeine
daily vitamin
extra water
walk daily
careful about bedtime and getting up on time
enforced hour of quiet after lunch
block a day at home to catch up instead of run around
plan meals and shopping
PS a benefit is that its easier to deal with my teens— at least that’s what I tell myself.
Ok, for starters I found menopause much easier than PMS, although I certainly had some bad days. For me through the years hormones combined with seasonal depression was probably the worst. I took over the counter PMS medication, I ate chocolate, I got extra rest and I tried to avoid stress as much as I could. What I found was that if I was under a lot of stress I needed the PMS medication plus the chocolate and every other form of stress buster I could find. If I wasn’t under a lot of stress I could usually make it through with only occasional PMS medication and some chocolate.
I certainly have had periods oc crying jags (and they still happen occasionally). I remember driving for an entire lunch hour in tears when I was single and in my twenties on more than one occasion. PMS for me got worse in my thirties and into peri-menopause. Once I actually hit menopause things actually did seem to improve (or maybe they just weren’t so utterly predictable…).
I do think that exercise helps, but what also helps is not being so hard on yourself. I think that one of the biggest culprits in the mix is our tendency towards trying to do too much. Stress definitely makes the hormone upsets worse and if you are stressing yourself out over too many activities, or too much perfectionism some thing is apt to make you blow. Don’t believe all the hype that says your kids have to be in multiple activities, that your house has to look like House Beautiful, that you need to do all of the season related crafts in order to have a meaningful spiritual life for your children. Sometimes less really is more. It’s a particular trap for homeschoolers because we tend to have this fear that the school kids are getting all this wonderful stuff and we aren’t providing it. We are providing different things and our children don’t necessarily need organized sports in order to get exercise if they have a yard and some siblings with whom to play cowboys, pirates, knights, or even toss and catch. Children do better with a mom who isn’t stressed from running in twenty different directions at the same time. Mom will do better, even with her hormones if she can sit for five minutes with a cup of tea instead of cramming kids into the van and heading off for yet one more activity.
It is important to remember that everyone experiences these hormones differently. The mom who breezes through pregnancy may struggle more with menopause. The mom who struggles with PMS may breeze through pregnancy and lactation. Sometimes I’ve seen women who get very smug and disapproving of their peers who experience hormonal shifts differently. I remember a friend being very critical of a pastor’s wife who had a really hard time with anxiety during pregnancy. This friend had no real problem with hormones at all, until menopause. I’ve also had a lot of people (both male and female) who poo-pooed the effects of PMS. I would have too when I was a teenager, but by the time I was 25 I realized that this was going to be at least a periodic problem for me. So if you don’t struggle with the problem at least be supportive of your sisters who do. That means being there if they need a listening ear, providing meals for a new mom, taking an older menopausal friend out to lunch, etc. Most of all it means not minimizing the struggle they are having, but praying for them instead of criticizing them. Hormones may not be an excuse for bad behavior (and we do need to learn to control our behavior despite them), but in extreme cases especially with post partum depression medical help may truly be needed.
Males may have a hard time understanding all of this, but if they would just look at the effect that testosterone can have on young males they might be a little more understanding.
Sue B- is that a presciption or over the counter?
Progesterone has really helped, just be sure to look up how to use it. It needs to be used at different times depending on where you are in life, menopause, cycling, pregnant, etc… I also notice it helps with migraines. If I notice one coming on, I quick put some progesterone cream on the back of my neck and then gone – they must be hormone related.
Acknowledging that I am tired, hormonal tells me that I need to pray for the strength to just get through the day.
I can answer the Progesterone question – it is over the counter, I use Pro-Gest by Life-Flo. Amazon has a good deal, or any health food store will carry it, but you will pay more.
Anne,
I think I can relate to what you are saying. I was married 2 weeks shy of turning 22, and had a baby 6 weeks shy of turing 23. I was still newly married, in a new town with a new baby. My family was 3 hours away. I had formerly been the "happy girl" who had it all together. Even the one semester in college that I suffered a bout of depression (stemming from the fore mentioned happy girl syndrome, trying to hold it together through my parents’ divorce and remarriages) I still made straight A’s. Now, it was the grace of God that got me through, but I was, in my opinion, a strong woman.
Then I had a baby. Perfect pregnancy, gained 25 pounds, lost it almost immediately, perfect baby, loving husband…but I cried for 6 weeks. I loved my baby, but I thought what have I gotten myself in to? I even saw a woman at the OBGYN who was having her second baby and I thought she was CRAZY! The nursing hurt teriibly, nothing had prepared me for that. I was very lonely. My friends were making money, getting public accolades, experiencing life, having FUN. I was grateful for my life, but it wasn’t exactly the pretty picture I thought it would be. Time made things better, I fell in love with my baby and loved taking care of him, and I gave up nursing, it was too much for my prudish self to deal with. That actually helped me, it freed me up to get out. Congrats to you for sticking with it for so long. You have made it through the hard part!! You and your baby will benefit tremendously!
Following the path God has lined out for us gives us peace but it isn’t easy. Even now at 35 with 5 kids, I look at people my age who made different decisions, and they have more money, and have traveled more places, and know how to do more things, but I know that I have done what God wanted ME to do. I also look at my amazing children and I thank God for His awesome love. He chose me to be a mom!!! I am so blessed that He called me to this vocation early so that I could have all of these souls in my life everyday. They make me laugh, they squeeze my neck, they drive me loco, they help me along on my road to Heaven. He also provided friends for me (all of which are 2-10 years older than me). I was also able to help my friends who had children later as they watched themselves turn into hormonal crazy women. They did see that I was happy in my life, although I tried never to sugar coat things. I tried to be honest about the good times and the struggles. One friend saw that we had been making it on one income since college, and that helped encourage her to be a stay-at-home-mom. I also remember when I turned 30 I saw some women trying to figure out where their place in the world was. I was profoundly grateful that I knew my purpose and that I wasn’t still searching. God bless you on your journey, I pray that He will send you some friends to travel with you.
PMS and how your body deals with stress (emotional, hormonal, physical illness) is directly related to whole body health. Sleep, exercise, and the crap we put in our mouths equals what performance we can expect out of it.
Sleep. This means getting 7-8 hrs a 24 hr period. Preferably in pitch black. I use a sleep mask. If I don’t get that much sleep at night because I have a newborn, I either get a 30 min nap the next day or go to bed earlier. That means self discipline and skipping out on tv and internet time, I know!
Exercise. For me, this is just as simple as chasing my kids around. We try to go for a walk as a family once a day. Sometimes this means putting on rain or snow gear. I also have been doing a few stomach crunches, squats, and bicep curls with tiny hand weights as part of my getting ready in the morning routine.
Eating. Others have touched on this, but this is the most important one! If we feed our bodies sugar and white flour all day, how can we expect them to perform well? If you can’t clean up your eating, at least take an excellent multivitamin heavy in B vitamins. I take an additional B Complex, calcium, magnesium, and Vit C on top of my multi. B vitamins are essential for stress management and emotional health. I highly suggest looking at dietary input as a culprit of PMS. Our bodies need vegetables (preferably the dark green leafy ones) real fruit, protein, and good fats like olive oil, flax oil, fish oils. Our bodies need this nutrition to recover from childbirth, illness, lactation, menopause.
If you suffer from really bad PMS, try cutting dairy products from your life. And caffiene. And sugar and white flour and processed foods. Eat really healthy for one whole month and see if you feel better.
Recommended reading: "Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition" by Marilyn Shannon, and "Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom" by Dr Christine Northrup
I love this topic! I am so fortunate to have a wonderful husband who is quick to give me a hug when I get a little nuts. That is fabulous! I tend to get quick tempered and anxious to an extreme! Imagine worst case scenarios, happening left and right. That’s how I get. God bless my dear husband.
My solution – really it is to go in my closet, break into my stash of Russell Stover chocolates and cry for about 15 minutes. My husband is good about entertaining the boys while I get this time. It does work wonders!
Okay, now I do sound crazy! What I would like to know – does anyone feel that it gets worse after each child? My fourth is a year, but when he was 6 months old, I really felt out of whack. Is it the back-to-back pregnancies? Or just exhaustion? I am just curious about others’ experiences!
When my oldest was about a week old, I sat down to nurse and watch a little figure skating on T.V.. My husband came in when he heard me absolutely sobbing. When he asked what was wrong, I pointed to the skater on the screen and said, "He fell, and now he’s not going to the olympics!"
Hormones!
I was most grateful for the friends who would pop by to sit with me during those crazy weeks. And I was especially grateful that nobody suggested that I was, in fact, crazy. I evened out eventually.
My hormones hit me bad this week. I was grocery shopping with my two children (ages 4 and 2) and was exhausted because I am 13 weeks pregnant. I was feeling down because I usually got an energy burst around week 12 but here I am still feeling tired and like a sloth. I was pushing the kids in the cart that has the little car attached and they were not staying in the cart and I couldn’t think of anything in the grocery store to buy. I saw a young lady, maybe around 20, pushing a tiny cart with a single serving of milk, an already made salad, and a few little snacks. I felt like crying because all of a sudden I wanted to be her. I wanted to go home to a quiet apartment and sit down at a clean table and eat my salad and drink that milk ALONE. Ever since that incident I have been depressed.
I was married three months shy of my 19th birthday. I had a baby two years later. I was a homemaker from the start and never had close friends to go out with. So lately I feel like I’ve missed out on something. I had a dream where I was changing diapers and cleaning messes while being stuck in a house for years and when I woke up I realized that was my life and it wasn’t fun. I don’t have close friends to invite over to talk or whatnot. I have a few penpals and they probably keep me sane but it would be soooo nice to have a friend close by to have tea with and laugh with. Crazy hormones are the worst when you are alone and going through all this by yourself.
I am hoping that this is all my crazy hormones and that once I get more energy (hopefully soon!) that I will feel better and have a better outlook in life. It doesn’t help that the weather is cold and the time change now makes the evenings so long and the days so short. I love being a mom but lately I want to be more of a mom – I want to be myself. Does that make sense?
I do three things:
1. Danielle, you are so right, sometimes it tames the beast to just acknowledge it’s there, as in: "um, I’m irrationally freaked out right now and I know it, can we decide this later?" It gives a sense of control over the situation, and reminds you that it won’t last forever.
2. I’m laughing as I post this, but it’s true: when I can feel I’m getting "like that," I try to do things –yardwork’s real good — that don’t involve a lot of interaction with other people. I just try to be quiet for a day or two. This is surprisingly hard, but effective.
3. Sigh. Exercise makes such a difference!
Yes it is over the counter. There is great information on balancing hormones and natural balancing creams at johnleemd.com. You’re also welcome to e-mail me for more information.
I can’t speak to the PMS part, because I haven’t suffered from that since I got married! My hormones have been fluctuating for the last 5 and a half years between "pregnancy" and "nursing". I’ve discovered that the best thing I can do is give MYSELF a timeout when I feel like I’m going to lose it. I’ve made it a habit to tell the kids: "Mommy’s losing it! Let’s sit quietly and ask Mary to help me be a good mommy." Then, instead of loading up on sugar, I get a glass of water. I’m amazed how much less irritable I am when I’ve had enough to drink!
***Anonymous: I’ve been where you are and want you to know that "post-partum depression" can hit during a pregnancy. If you’re feeling depressed, don’t be afraid to ask for help. You can email me if you want. I’ll be praying for you!
I would like to comment that much too often we use the excuse of hormones for our impatience or anger. (yes, me too).
We need to remember that in order to overcome this (not including the depression or real physcological issues)we need to get to confession VERY OFTEN, get to spritiual direction, get to the Eucharist -either at MAss or at a Holy Hour (and often!). God is our PHYSICIAN who can heal us of these crazy hormones that we think we have no idea how to deal with them. We need to point out our vice tendency towards pride or sensuality or whatever. We need to have a PLAN of attack!
We need to see this as a real issue to take control over and not let our feelings and emotions have the run around.
We have to face it that we are mothers who (yes indeed) have hormones that rage big time at times…but also have to face the facts the if we are at home all day and if we homeschool too….that we are indeed, the peacemakers of our home and our family.
If our children are out of wack>>are we??
If our children are happy>>>are we???
We make it or break it.
Lets not forget also that our children are full of different temperments and personalities ( i know- i have 5 different ones!) but that we need to take the precautions and understand the best way to be the best mother out there.
Lets pray for one another and take the LEAP to not sit back and pout and have a pity party but take a real action move to JUST DO IT and stop pointing fingers!
Sorry, that was NOT directed towards SUE B
Forgive me…
Annonimous Dear please find a friend. I had terrible depression during a few years when my friends and sisters were all off living their life and I was home. Alone.
Yes I chose that life and loved my kids but alone is hard.
Yes I knew Jesus was there for me but needed to hear an adult voice.
Here is one great way. Find a location you can get to weekly, preferably one you can even walk to in years sans car. Ask if you can advertise a Moms Morning together. ( Protestants call it MOPS mothers of pre schoolers. My mom was in a St Gerard’s club)A church hall or library community room are great for this. Then call lots of churches and have them put it in their bulletin 3 weeks in a row, (you know how many times we miss Mass from sick kids) Post it at the library and the grocery store.
Then pray and go.
the Spirit will bring you the friends you need.
the one my sister went to in LI was so big they had a drive to collect used rockers. An older gentleman at the church put them all in good order and painted them to match. There were 20! Moms sat in a circle rocking, talking, praying, while toddlers played in the circle.
I let dh know in a nice way when I am struggling. He really tries hard not to tempt me to loose it!
I have also found a venting session helps- sometimes to dh and sometimes just on paper. I feel much more hopeful afterwards and appreciate dh more after he has listened to me whine.
I actually tried to start a moms group here but the only mothers that came were the ones that babysat or also had their kids in headstart and needless to say – they brought germs and my kids always ended up getting sick after the meetings. Plus, they were nothing like me and it depressed me more to be there. We live in a very small town and there is nothing – no LLL, moms and tots, or anything of that sort. The bigger towns are so far that it is impossible to join groups or anything there. Our church doesn’t have get togethers and the few young mothers in it are not like me. It is so hard to even know where to start to find a friend. I’mnot picky, but want someone that can relate so don’t drift towards working mothers, mothers who only want one or two children and are done, etc. There seem to be no stay-at-home mothers around here, really.
I was thinking of how about you go on a retreat? I know this may be hard but…how about going on a weekend one or even a day retreat? there are lots of retreat places around but make sure they are loyal to the Church.
I am in a similar situation and realized that there really are not many at home moms around either..really!
We need to just face it…being an at home mom is NOT like it used to be. So, unless you go out of your way to look for other moms by joining or forming groups (even if they are not totally like yourself) then it will be tough. I have found friends by going on retreats as much as i can. I have also prayed and begged God to send friends my way. I have offered things up and prayed and begged in front of the Eucharist. I brought my children with me to the Eucharist if for an hour or 5 mins. I did not have a babysitter. GOd blessed all my efforts and blessed our family with friends and older ladies to help me that I do not even have to pay!
A true blessing but I had to surrender and beg God to show me the way. It did not just happen.
I will say a special prayer for you.
It is hard but do not give up. God did not give you a beautiful family with such a richness of our Catholic faith do do all by yourself. Beleive that and trust that God has people out there. But, it is up to you to make the choice.
I know this is repetitive, but…Sleep, exercise, eating a balanced diet.
Take care of yourselves, Mommies! (even Jesus rested, so please follow his example!)
Do I do all of these things? Sometimes. But things are soooo much better when I do.
Also, remember on those occasions when you do "lose it" due to your hormones, ask God for forgiveness and to apologize to your kids, husband or friend. I will never forget one Sunday morning, getting the kids to Mass when the little one had a "blow out" just as we were walking out the door. (daddy wasn’t around for some reason that I can’t remember.) Being premenstrual and having a almost 2 year old who HATED getting his diaper changed I lost it in a BIG way. (We later found out that he had mild autism) My older son was really frightened by the whole ordeal. I literally fell on my knees and begged for God’s forgiveness at that moment. Then I apologized to my older son for scaring him so. I will never forget that day or the lesson learned.
I also wanted to say to any of you who are suffering with depression (or even think you might be) do not be ashamed to talk to someone (you doctor, etc) to get help. I had severe postpartum depression with my first and am so glad that my husband recognized it in me and helped me get the help I needed. Yes, I took a anti depessant for a few months, but I do not know how I would have made it through the first few months of motherhood depressed, crying and even suicidal at times. I know there are other options such as the progesterone cream. I’m not advocating one option over the other, just get help.)
I’m pregnant for the first time and my hormones have been really predictable. If I haven’t eaten a meal in the last hour and a half or if I haven’t slept at least 3 of the last 6 hours I am mean. I do find that crying nice and long and hard helps a lot. Also, it’s a language my husband understands.
Reading through the comments below, I am totally with those of you who like a glass of wine during pms. Oh how I long for a marguarita! But more seriously, if your body is dictating your moods and interfering with your functionality I really recommend talking to your doctor about it because it doesn’t always have to be that way. There are really safe, really well researched medications (and herbal remedies) that can change your life. I realized a while back that having huge mood swings was not just something I was dealing with, but something that my family and especially my husband was dealing with. That if I was at home crying my husband couldn’t enjoy himself out with the guys. Since then I have done a combination of meds and therapy and I am so much happier for it, partly just because I feel more like I’m in control.
I think a lot of people avoid these remedies because they think what they are dealing with is normal or "just hormones." If it is a significant factor in your life and your family’s I recommend just talking to your doctor and feeling out your options; you don’t have to commit to anything, just ask.
Anyway, goodluck to you all! Especially those of you who feel alone. I’ll say a prayer for you.
I have tried the Progestrone cream and also the various over the counter PMS pills but none seem to work. One should be careful using this cream because as natural as it is it is still a hormone and if you ar eprone to blood clots that can be dangerous.
I have tried prescription medication and it only masked the problem for a short period of time then the dosing amount had to be raised. I can only imagine if I had stayed on that med. what would the dosage level be at today.
Prayer, proper diet and exercise helps me to control the problem. But why is it that there is always a chocolate bar sitting around when my will power is at its weakest? My daily mood can describe what I have eaten throughout the day. If I had any sugar, chocolate or caffiene I am worse than moody.
Wanted to add more info on what has helped me, it was the Progesterone cream, but also the vitamins recommended by Marilyn Shannon in her book "Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition." They are called Optivite, sold by American Pro-Life Enterprises, or Kuhar Konsultants. They have a good ratio of all the B vitamins. We really do live in an estrogen dominated world, it’s in our food, air, and water! Don’t be scared away because it may be difficult to learn about how to use the Progesterone, read up on Dr. John Lee, lots of info on it out there. The Pope Paul VI Institute has trained people that can look at your cycles as well. Look them up for some help. They have many success stories.
I think they call it "cognitive therapy." I write myself a note on the calendar in advance of those two or three awful days. I give my loving husband a warning in so many words. Then I promise myself not to "go to war" over anything until (date). Usually by (date) the matter is long forgotten.
I’m offering this to the ladies speaking of post-partum – pray to Saint Dymphna. Seriously. When I found out that a friend was pregnant w/her seventh child, the prayers to Dymphna began. Every other birth brought on a nearly immediate crushing post-partum depression – full blown each time. This time? Smooth and easy. No depression and the baby is four months old and am still praying to Dymphna. Another friend never had pp until her fourth child when she became caught in a grip of overpowering bouts of anxiety to the point of being unable to sleep because she was consumed by the worries. Began praying to St. Dymphna and the anxiety vanished and she was figuratively > sleeping like a baby.
The web address of my defunct blog should be next to my name on this post. I’ve included it because I just posted the Dymphna prayer that I’ve used – didn’t want to clog up this comments section with it, I’m too wordy as it is. Anyway, click on that address if you want that prayer. Peace.
I have come to the conclusion that if I don’t take a nap everyday, I’m putting myself in the near occasion of sin for the remainder of the afternoon. I’m 6 months pregnant and I have a three year old son and 16 month old daughter who still nap, so I’d be an idiot not to, right? Sure, but there are so many "important" things that need to get done that I can’t do while the kids are awake! And the #1 thing on that list of things is sleep. So everyday, while I still have this luxury, I sleep for 1-2 hours in my cozy sunlit bedroom and soak in the quiet and peace. Sometimes I even just lay there awake. It has helped me with the mood swings and fatigue of pregnancy tremendously. Not that I’m not impatient with my kids anymore, please!
The second thing I’ve started trying lately is to take a nice long shower at some point on the weekend while my husband is home to watch the kids. It’s something sort of frivolous that is a little "weekend treat" for mommy. Honestly, it is so nice! A soak in the tub would be nice too, but let’s be real, a soak in the tub when you’re pregnant just makes you feel, well, BIG and none of us really need that when we’re expecting, now do we?
The third thing I’ve done (and I’ll give a little shout-out to my dear friends who I know read this blog regularly) is that I make time to spend time with the friends who make me laugh and encourage me in my motherhood. There is just nothing like having girlfriends who make you feel like you are in this whole crazy womanhood thing together! What a blessing to me, and to my husband! 😉
Ooooh,,,good topic. I agree, I have had luck just telling my husband where it’s coming from. His mother apparently had some raging PMS issues, so he understands and is sympathetic. But you’re right, it doesn’t give us license to act like a total nutbar. I try to reign it in, to remember that it’s truly me, not everyone else. When I was pregnant with my second child, I had some serious hormonal issues during the first half of my pregnancy. I was truly miserable and unhappy with everyone, especially my poor husband. My midwife assured me it was hormones and it would pass by the 5th month, and it did! This didn’t happen with my first, but I did cry at the drop of a hat. Go figure…
I have noticed that the whole PMS thing varies widely for me from month to month. Some months there may be none at all, and other months I feel like I’m going to go down in flames and take everyone with me. 🙂 This makes me think it must have something to do with external stuff, how well I’m taking care of myself in that given month.
To those that feel isolated and looking for momma friends, I feel you. I encourage you to check out some Catholic mom yahoo groups. If one doesn’t fit or give you what you need, keep trying. I’ve joined several over the years, and there’s two I have stuck with…they are a big support. Many of the moms have been in the group for years, and we really support each other. I would feel much more isolated without them!
For those of you who take medication for PMS:
What do you take (aside from progesterone cream)? Is it an antidepressant that is also good for PMS?
Lots of good things said here and so much covered. I wanted to chime in with those who mentioned the Pope Paul VI Institute and the use of NFP. I am a Fertility Care Practitioner and I see PMS in many of my clients, including myself. So many times it is related to a progesterone deficiency, as well as PPD. The OTC progesterone creams can be very helpful, but sometimes a prescription form is needed as it is much stronger. The important thing is that it be a natural progesterone, not synthetic. If you contact the Institute, they can help you find help from someone in your area or work with you long distance. Dr. Hilgers has also found some other causes for PMS or PPD that he has had tremendous success in treating. For some women, perhaps it is an antidepressant but I would honestly make that a last resort.
I’d also like to reiterate the value of prayer. As women, we are going to have some degree of ups and downs and as mothers we’re going to have trying days. The Blessed Mother is ever present to be our help and our guide. Ask and you shall receive.
For me, charting my cycles has been very helpful. I can see the pattern of my various PMS symptoms and know when they will occur. I can then plan accordingly or anticipate those mood swings so they don’t hit me or my family by total surprise. This doesn’t eliminate them, just makes it easier to get control and not feel horribly guilty for things I can’t control. Through charting and observing all of this, I can also notice when the symptoms are worse and perhaps I need to seek help from my NFP only doctor. Having a doctor who understands this is so helpful.
There is such value in sharing with other women as well. We are not alone and it is ok to have those bad days and ask for help.
God Bless!
Oh, yeah. This is so pertinent. Here are a few things I do:
1. Go for a walk with the kids. Everyone (usually) feels better afterwards.
2. Call a sister or good friend to talk to. Ask if I’m crazy for feeling this way. Vent a bit.
3. Boy, oh boy does regular Confession help. For me, at *least* once a month…twice a month is much better.
4. Go to the book store after the kids are in bed — my husband watching them, of course — and just have some time when I’m out and about without anyone, enjoying a quiet activity.
5. Eat chocolate. Not a lot, but it does sometimes help.
6. Keep up on my vitamins, especially zinc and magnesium when pregnant or breastfeeding, since there are studies that 99% of women who have enough of those 2 *don’t* get PPD.
7. Try to regain perspective. This phase is so short. It doesn’t always seem like it, but it is.
Hmm. I listed chocolate above vitamins. I think that’s pretty accurate! 🙂
When my son was old enough to start asking questions about my monthly moods (mostly crying jags), I explained about periods. Of course he said YUCKY! But he wondered if I could tell him in advance when it was likely to happen. So, when I knew I would put a smiley face on THOSE days on the calendar. The rest of the months days had happy faces. The older he got, the better he was on checking the calendar!
I cannot function and love life the way it should be when I don’t get enough sleep.
Also, I try to increase my intake of vit B 12 when hormonal during PMS (check with Dr before taking while prego or nursing). There are several Fuze drinks that contain B12 and other vit’s and nutrients. After taking a time-out for me to down the delicious thing, I feel *so* much better!
~*~ Anonymous ~*~ I know exactly what you mean. I moved to a new area about a year ago and am just starting to venture out and meet some friends. Otherwise, I really only have my IL’s around here. Nice, but doesn’t fulfill what a young mommy needs 🙂 So far, I’ve only met non-Catholics and even still only "clicked" with one.
Have you tried Meetup.com? If you go there and enter "mom groups" they should be able to show you pages of groups around you. Most will be in bigger cities, but have so many events, you could probably attend even once a week or every other week and still get some good mommy time in 🙂
Feel free to contact me- acountrybabe@juno.com 🙂 I’d love to get to know a fellow young Catholic mommy! And who knows, maybe we live around the same small town 😉
I often think murder Danielle when I have severe PMT not just selling off the kids. Mine is really bad now as I am goign into menopuase I think coupled with hypothroidism. Being constantly crumpy is not a good thing so I am off to see the doctor as to what I can do about my thyriod problems.
I think men depsite all the rubbish they speak also suffer from some form of hormonal cycle. My husband seems to go through a sad sack phase once a month. However PMT s definetly a female thing and I feel I am outside looking in when I feel homoicidical. I am suprised that more spouses and offspring are not murdered by women udner the power of raging hormones. If there is a batterd woman defence is there one if you massacre the whole family due to PMT