This week I want to talk about the second-guessing and beating up of ourselves that many women are particularly inclined to do. Why is that some of us get so darned defensive upon merely hearing about others who make choices for their families that are different from our own? Particularly when it comes to parenting and schooling? Do you know what I am talking about here?
The reason this is on my mind is because of some things I have been reading in the National Catholic Register in recent weeks. The NCR ran an article a few weeks back which was a positive profile of several different Catholic homeschooling families. On the whole it was a feel-good, positive piece which looked at these families, their choices, and their lifestyle in a positive light. Then—sure enough—the following week the paper ran a letter to the editor from a mother whose children attend Catholic schools. I wish I had saved my copy to quote from it, but now I can only recall that this person felt slighted by the positive look at homeschooling and responded angrily and defensively, as if someone had told her she was doing something wrong. But nobody had. It should be noted that in this week’s paper there was a letter from a different woman responding to the first and explaining her reasons for homeschooling.
This situation really struck a chord with me because it all felt so familiar. Without fail, I get exactly this kind of defensive response from some readers every single time I mention homeschooling. Every time I mention it! Along similar lines, I occasionally hear from mothers who have fewer children than I do or who do some other thing differently from the way I do, and their tone is hostile. In a defensive way. Which makes me wonder if the Register is going to receive any such letters after daring to publish a positive look at large families in this week’s edition.
This particular phenomenon frustrates me because I try always to reinforce the idea that there is no one right way to be a Catholic family. I try to encourage families to do what works well for them, regardless of whether or not their neighbors are doing it. I love reading about and hearing about Catholic women and families that are very different from my own. I can be inspired and encouraged by others’ experiences even when the particulars of their lifestyles are not at all those that I would choose for my own family. Ours is a big Church. There’s lots of room for variety here.
I know that there are obnoxious people out there who will try to tell you that their way is the only correct way, but I really do think these people are rare and unhappy birds. Most of us are just going about our business, caring for our families, making the decisions we deem best, and suffering the same insecurities and self-doubts as everyone else. The fact is, though, that when we make choices for ourselves and our families, whether it be about schooling, breastfeeding or toddler discipline, we are making a judgment. We are saying, “I have considered all the options and this is the one that is best for me.” I just think perhaps we all need to focus a bit less on the judgment part and a bit more on that best for me part. We need to have some confidence. We need to make our own decisions and feel good about how well they work for our own families, regardless of whether or not others are making exactly those same choices.
If writing for the internet has taught me nothing else, it has quite surely taught me that you will never please everyone. Not ever. Did you get that? Never. Consequently, in this discussion I do not hope to rid the world of all unreasonable reactions. I would like, however, for us to share our experiences with this automatic, unreasonably defensive syndrome and discuss some of our thoughts about it. Have you run into it? Do you suffer from it? What are your thoughts?
Oh, I just had to add another comment. While our family was at the lake last week I was having a nice conversation with another mom. I thought it was all friendly and pleasant until she very aggressively and intimidatingly leaned in on me, locked eyes with me and said with quite a bit of edginess "you’re done aren’t you?! You’re just too attractive to give your whole life away like that!"
Okay #1 I would never have thought to lean into her and say "you’re having more soon aren’t you?! You’re just too healthy and young to waste time." This would have been invasive and rude and I wouldn’t have thought to do it.
#2 Since when does "being attractive" matter a fig as to whether I stay home or go to work? Is it okay to stay home if you’re frumpy then? Confusing logic. Besides, most all women are attractive in some way and especially beautiful are the ones who are loving and selfless and just have that inner glow shining outwards.
#3 There is no talent, quality, or ability that is valuable in the workplace that isn’t ten times more valuable at home with our spouses and with our children.
I wasn’t as coherent in response as I wished I would have been and just stammered "I don’t know. Only God knows." But I wish I would have kindly but emphatically said "Oh, I hope not!!!!" which is true.
I have found the best course of action for me is to concern myself with my decisions, live them out as best I can, and to not take offense when someone is pushy. Heaven knows I am not perfect.
What gets complicated in all of this is when you watch someone struggle with an issue, and they choose a position not because they think it is best for them, but because they feel they have no options!
That’s when my judgementalism tends to kick in…I try hard to let it go, but generally I have to talk it over with my hubby and explain why I am frustrated to watch this friend or relative do choose one option over an option that is better because she feels like she "has to"!!
I’d love to say that I just spend all sorts of time praying for these people that they look at their lives and see the options that I can see fairly easily from the outside…but I can’t say that I do!
However, when one of them does "figure it out" so to speak, it is such a great moment to see the happiness on their faces!
I learned quite a bit about not being judgemental from my personal experiences with having my daughter. First, I suffered from infertility for several years (that ended the "people with small families are just selfish" mindset!) Second, I ended up needing a c-section (which ended the "the right way to have a baby is unmedicated" thoughts) Third, I failed miserably with breastfeeding (which ended "all mothers who love their babies breastfeed" thoughts!) Fourth, my daughter wanted to sleep in her own bed by 11 months (which ended the "cosleeping is the only way to raise a child" thoughts!)
I call her my "humility" baby…looking forward to seeing what baby #2 is going to teach me!
I feel perfectly comfortable and not defensive about homeschooling and having a large family (5 kids so far).
The issue that does get me riled up is the attatchment parenting vs schelduled feeding, especially with new mothers who think they have all the answers. Sorry, I do what is best for my babies and the rest of my family and if others want to think ill of me for doing so then I will steer clear rather than even try to explain. Its not worth the effort anymore. We found what worked best for us and it has allowed me to feel comfortable being open to more children rather than overwrought by the ones I already have.
I liked what someone wrote, that none of us could step into someone else’s shoes. It is the day-in day-out effort that shapes us into the mothers we are today.
As the mother of five I have had many comments made to me about the size of my family. I"ll be honest, most of them seem to point to the fact that five is way too many. All of my children went to Catholic School, (youngest is 13 now, in 8th grade)up to HIgh school for 3 and the 4th had to be home instructed for High School due to some emotional issues. #5 Will most definitely go to a Catholic High School. Having the experience of one at home for 4 years of High School, I know I could never ever homeschool. Even though I am teacher by profession I knew I would never have the patience, nor the inclination to do that. There is one person in my neighborhood who homeschools, and my youngest son does play with her sons. They attend the local interdemoninational Christian church. The decision to homeschool is a personal one, just as having a large family is a personal one. I went back to work about 4 years ago, when my youngest daughter went to college. Being home with my children for 20 years taught me a lot, and I think has made me a better teacher. I will be honest, as an educator I do have some issues with homeschooling, but if they are addressed in the appropriate way, and the children are able to be well rounded in all ways I see nothing wrong with it. I do give you Moms who homeschool a Gold Star for being so patient, and giving up "me time" to educate your children at home.
feelin’ judgmental: I also struggle with this. It is especially difficult for me to be non-judgmental toward someone who says that they "can’t afford" more kids while they’re in the process of buying a house, driving a new model SUV, and dressing their kids in store-bought designer clothes, and planning a fancy vacation. Also, the parents who send their kids to school strictly because they "need the socialization" and parents who have given up on NFP and gone back to using contraception because "NFP didn’t work".
I try not to judge people on outward appearances – like many here have said, we can’t possibly know what motivates them. However, when friends, family, or even complete strangers approach us and offer information / give reasons for their decisions, we should judge whether their reasons are moral or at the least uninformed. Two of the Spiritual Works of Mercy are to "admonish the sinner" and to "instruct the ignorant". I have heard many who "never judge anyone" because it is only God’s place to judge, and many cite "let he without sin cast the first stone…" and "remove the plank from your own eye…" but even though none of us are perfect, when God sends people into our lives who are clearly ignorant and have made sinful decisions, it is our duty as Christians to correct them with love (being patient, kind, not prone to anger…)
As for those who have made morally neutral decisions based on "bad" information (kids cost too much / homeschooled kids don’t get proper socialization) it is not wrong to talk to them about it or even direct them to resources to help dispel those myths…but only when such information is solicited by way of them bringing it up. In other cases, the Litany of Humility, posted by Suzanne D, sure comes in handy.
To add to what I wrote below, it may be helpful to read The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) 2477-8, which discusses RASH JUDGMENT, an offense against Truth and a violation of the 8th Commandment. CCC 2478 in particular advises us how to avoid rash judgment.
Also, the spiritual works of mercy to consider for those of us who take offense easily: to bear wrongs patiently and to forgive all injuries.
All of this is really funny (you have to see the light side of it). I am an English teacher in a Catholic School in Mexico. I have my 9 year old son in this school too. It is a very demanding school (accademicaly). And lots of people tell me it will be bad for my child, because it is very competitive and there is lots of homework (I guess the total opposite of the comments you get, see why it’s funny?)So, nobody is happy with our decisions. I think the only people that should be happy are US. I personally think you are doing a great job with homeschooling, and maybe if I didn’t have to work I would do the same thing. But for the time being I’m doing a great job giving support to my son at his "very demanding school" (which he loves,by the way) and I really hope all of us Catholic Parents are doing what is best to teach our kids is HIS way.