A small sampling from my inbox on this topic:
Email #1. My husband and I just found out we are pregnant with baby #3 (we have an almost 3 yr. old and 10 month old). As awful as it sounds, I cried when the pregnancy test came positive. I let my fears get the best of me — having no insurance, wanting a bigger house, feeling nauseated for weeks, taking care of two little ones while pregnant … I never thought I would feel like this since we know children are such a great blessing. Nevertheless it is hard to feel overjoyed when I feel so awful. Have you ever felt this way? I am thanking God for this little gift and praying (begging) for the graces to be a good mother/wife/disciple in Christ.
Email #2. Do you have any advice on how to get over the fear of becoming pregnant again “too soon”? I fear that I may be pregnant again. This would be my 4th in 5 years. I live in constant worry that I will not be healthy enough (or alive for that matter) to take care of all the children God sends me. I am only 32, so I have a lot of fertile years left.
Email #3. Lately, I have been struggling with whether to have a fourth child. I really liked your advice to pray on it — and that is what I am doing, because I am getting older and I am not sure my husband is up for number 4. Did you always know you wanted a big family? Were there ever days that you wondered whether you wanted more children? If so, was prayer your answer?
I have answered questions like these in the past, but this is a topic that comes up again and again. And again. I suppose it needs revisiting on a regular basis. The reason this topic is so dear to our hearts, I think, is because it is one of the most obvious ways that Catholics are counter-cultural. It makes us stand out. Most of our neighbors aren’t doing it. And being open to life happens to be particularly life-altering as well.
It is hard to trust God with something so powerful as our fertility. And it can be exceedingly difficult to accept an unexpected pregnancy when we know the kinds of sacrifices it will demand of us. Ironically, I think that early pregnancy is an especially bad time to think about the potential consequences of adding another member to your family: You are emotionally vulnerable, hormonal, and exhausted. Under these circumstances, it can be especially hard to see, but it’s important to keep in mind the bigger picture:
We are trying to get to heaven.
Ultimately, that is the only reason to do or not do anything here on earth — in order to move ourselves and our families closer to heaven. Embracing an unexpected pregnancy and saying YES to another child surely can do that. By demanding that we abandon selfishness. By helping us to recognize, even from the very beginning, that God is in charge and that our bodies, our children, and our lives belong to Him alone. By giving us the chance, one more time, to pray “Thy will be done,” even when they seem impossibly difficult words to pray. But these also happen to be the most self-giving, life-giving, grace-giving words we can pray.
Karen Edmisten shared her own “40 Reasons to Have Kids” last week and Sarah has been kind enough to ask me for mine. I have already broken my own blogging rules here with an exceptionally long post, so I will save mine for another day. But feel free to share yours in the comments if you like. And also share your positive stories of embracing God’s will — however unexpected — for your family size. Let’s encourage one another.
woops, I’m not exactly sure how that last comment of mine was duplicated – wasn’t meant to be to stress the point or anything
I think that this adoption topic is good since it, too, shows an opneness to life. My husband and I feel open to adopting from Africa (or somewhere overseas) where there are too many babies and young children without homes but after looking into it we just can not afford the $10,000+ that it would cost. I think that it is wonderful when people choose to adopt but I’m not sure if it would be a reason to delay your own pregnancy since God sometimes gives someone two, three, or four or more babies at once. You may be one of the people that God chooses to send "twins" to, even if one isn’t a biological children but rather one to adopt. Having two babies the same age is not a dire reason not to get pregnant, in my opinion.
When people question whether it is logical to continue to have children when there are so many needy children in the world. That seems like the mentality of the world, especially pro-choice persons. They call people like us "breeders" for a reason. It is not a sin to have children (in the right relationship). We can never take care of all the children in the world that are needy. If you are having doubts about the needy children in the world maybe God is calling you to adopt a few or foster some children. But it isn’t a sin to have your own children and can often be a sin to choose not to have children if the reasons are not just. But I think that it is grand to get the ball rolling for those interested in adoption. If money were not a problem we would probably be going through an adoption process right now, even though we are pregnant with #4.
Tracy,
Lest you think from the silence of others…you are not alone. Your posts are right on target and correct according to Church teaching. And you have judged no one…you have just expressed things in an objective manner, much as a priest would if he were explaining things to someone. Don’t think that you are the only one out there who believes these truths. (I know it can be disheartening when everyone seems to be strongly expressing their differences with what you said.) Thanks for clearly expressing the matter, even if others continue to take issue with it.
i think it breaks down to the fact that we are all essentially saying the same thing. that nfp is sanctioned by the church for use if a couple determines that they have just reason to do so. we cannot get stuck on the issue of "just". the whole reason the church in her infinite wisdom, did not give us a laundry list of reasons, is because this list would be as long as the members in it. to be determined by a persons good will, conscience and confessor. i think, julie and tracy, what people are taking issue with, is that is sounds like ( i emphasis sounds because this may not be your intention) that you are taking a stand with respect to the word "just" and that you feel like this should have a set of objective standards within which a couple would act. the church simply does not do this. and so we should not either. and further, just to clarify, nfp itself, remains open to life at all times, regardless of our actual intention. that’s the very heart of nfp. i am not saying that it could not be used sinfully. but it think it would be very very difficult to do so. even with a "contraceptive mentality". my feeling about that is, that as long as a marriage has not, by an operation or whatever, cut off their openness to life, nfp will always allow god to work within the heart and soul of a married couple. things change in our hearts continuously. and that’s the point of nfp, it allows openness to the work of grace as well as just the biological openness.
Tracy, I listened to the audio homily and thought the points were excellent.
Here is a quote from “The Theology of the Body Explained” by Christopher West (ã2003 pp. 437). It tends to provide a similar perspective that Tracy wanted to make with the audio homily (I believe). I’ve included my thoughts on it in my next post.
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“The Holy Father clarifies, ‘The use of the ‘infertile periods’ for conjugal union can be an abuse if the couple, for unworthy reasons, seeks in this way to avoid having children, thus lowering the number of births in their family below the morally correct level’ (402)
‘Humanae Vitae presents ‘responsible parenthood as a high ethical value’. In no way is it exclusively directed to limiting, much less excluding children; it means also the willingness to accept a larger family’ (402) The integral vision of natural fertility regulation, then, does not involve merely a “mode of behavior” in a certain field. It involves an attitude based on the integral moral maturity of the spouses. John Paul says that this morally mature attitude can be described in biblical terms as “living by the Spirit.” He then adds that confusion arises about the differences between contraception and periodic abstinence when this moral maturity is lacking. Herein likes the importance of the theology of the body understood as a pedagogy of the body. Instruction in the truth of the body and its language of divine human love fosters just such moral maturity in men and women.”
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Here’s my honest feeling on the matter.
Most devout Catholic married couples do struggle very, very hard to discern God’s will in this area of their lives. In particular, I think, mothers struggle. We love our children so much that if we had infinite health, time, and resources we’d all have a couple dozen of them.
But we don’t have infinite health, or time, or resources. As our families grow, as each successive child is welcomed with joy, we have to listen to and accept the reality of our own situations, no matter what that reality is.
Mothers like me who have a medical reason to postpone sometimes have this easiest. It’s kind of a "no-brainer" to use NFP when you know that another pregnancy could have extremely serious or even fatal consequences–and yet, as I said earlier, I’d love to have at least one more, if God will help me find the health solutions I need in order to do this. But I have to accept that even with a near-miraculous improvement in my ability to have babies, I might never get pregnant, or never carry a child to full term–in other words, it might *really* be God’s will for me to have only the children I have now.
For mothers for whom the question is one of time and resources more than health, the struggle is even harder. Should the mother with one-year-old twins and a six month old infant feel "selfish" for wanting to postpone pregnancy for a year or two? What about the mother with seven under seven? How many small children can any one mother handle at once? Only she and her husband really know the answer to that question, and we don’t help her when we imply that needing time is one of those "selfish" reasons that should automatically be suspect. What about the man whose job is precarious, who is already supporting a family of eight or nine? Is it merely a lack of trust in God that makes him desire a little space before there’s a new little one to care for, or is it prudence, a virtue we’re actually supposed to cultivate? Or what about the woman whose husband is ten or fifteen years older than she is? Is it wrong to be concerned about his health as he ages? And what about the woman who has one or more special needs children? Is it selfish, or just realistic, for her to wish to postpone pregnancy knowing how much time and effort these special blessings may require from her?
Ultimately what troubles me is the narrow attitude that NFP should be viewed with suspicion, avoided at nearly all costs, and grudgingly permitted only when the most serious of health reasons demand it–but even then, only for a year or two. This isn’t what our Church teaches, nor does she allow us to decide that many or most NFP users are selfish and contraceptive-minded when there is simply no evidence of that.
i just want to add one thing to all the beautiful things that red cardigan just said.
abstinence is a sacrifice too. and a gift as well when couples really determine that they need to practice it. i also feel that people who talk about nfp as if it were "selfish" don’t understand the sacrifices that are being made for the sake of, as in red cardigans case, the health of the spouse, or for whatever reason is determined. abstinence is not selfish. it actually can be rather extreme for some people and that’s why i think it’s most often resorted to when people really honestly determine it’s necessary. this is also one of the reasons that i think nfp stays inherently open to life, because people don’t abstain unless they really do feel it’s for the greater good not too. and that is not selfish.
Red Cardigan,
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your thoughtful posts. You add a truly needed balance to the mix that is also right on with what the Church teaches.
I am in the "no-brainer" category myself. After having battled psychosis during the post-partum period I really consider it irresponsible to intentionally conceive and take my chances with re-occurance. It is not something we have to rethink every month as the reason does not change in a way that other situations may. It is not just the graveness of the illness itself but the fact that it leaves me unable to care for myself or my children.
I for one will not feel selfish or guilty and lay up nights wondering if my reason is just enough. Nor do I think God wants me too. Sometimes we need to use basic common sense.
Tracy,
Thanks for your comments and adhereing to Church doctrine. This topic can really stir emotions, but you have stayed with the facts.
As usual, I’m late to the party, but here goes anyway:
Someone said:
"That seemingly happy, well to do, healthy couple may be struggling with SERIOUS marital issues, and so it may be wise for them to avoid pregnancy at that point."
Bingo. You have no idea if there’s an adultery issue, an alcoholic issue, a gambling issue, a mental illness issue, maybe hubby likes dressing up in his wife’s clothes or he’s got some other porny addiction, you don’t know. Heck, sometimes the wife doesn’t know.
s 10/19/07 9:33 AM
"I guess what we perceieve as difficult isn’t really all that hard."
"You know, sometimes it is really that hard. Telling other mothers that motherhood of 2,3, or 10 kids isnt hard is not helpful. It IS hard."
And that goes back to someone quoting Kimberly Hahn: A baby is not a burden, or something along those lines. Way to downplay a mother’s sacrifice, Kim. I’ve never worked harder then when I was pregnant or had infants. Never. It’s a burden of humongous proportions, or, maybe, just maybe, since that’s my experience, maybe I’m not supposed to have all that many? I mean, I hear all kids of romanticized talk about "tug on my heart for just one more" or pregnancy and again, I just don’t get it. I *hated* being pregnant. Absolutely hated it. Not the child, mind you, but the pregnancy. But thank God I’m realistic enough to acknowledge it and deal with it, not wish it away. It’s true.
Then this:
Anna 10/19/07 11:39 AM
" It should help to remember that God will not give us more than we can handle. It may be more than we would CHOOSE to handle, but never more than we can handle."
and someone responded:
"nor is it helpful to say "oh, God will give you the graces you need" when a mother says she can not handle another child."
Oh, you’re singing my song. Anna, try telling that to my own mother, who is so doped up from psychiatric meds she’s often found walking in circles in her neighborhood muttering to herself. You think she handled it well? Maybe she should have just had one more, for the graces? Sheesh.
Elizabeth 10/19/07 11:23 AM
"It makes me sad to hear mothers that say "We are done". … The "done" part seems so final."
That’s because eventually – for every single one of us – it is. Some of us recognize it earlier than others, but it’ll come for you, too. No sense getting "sad" about it; for me, it’s something that just is a part of life. Again with the sentimentality; something I have no use for.
When I realized that God expected me to be a certain kind of mother to a certain number of children – and no more – I took up that particular cross – made just for me – and ran with it. The # of kids wasn’t the cross for me; He had other things in mind. Other things that aren’t the business of anyone but us two spouses and God Himself. And yeah, that excludes a "good priest", too, mostly because I could find half a dozen to say things so diametrically opposed to each other, I’d sit back and watch them fight it out.
Tom
"My wife (who is the most beautiful, religious, kind stay at home mom in the world) just can’t do the homeschool thing. To give you an idea the school cost around 5,000-6,000 a year."
I thank Tom for writing; I agree with so much of what he wrote. And, in my neck of the non-woods (major urban city, like, the major-ist) Catholic schools are more like $15,000 (and some go up to almost $30K. Yes, that’s per year. Per child). And that $15,000 is a little less than what I pay in taxes on my house. Each year. Surprise! Life is different in different places. This is where I live; I need to make this particular life: this particular place, this particular time, this particular spouse, these particular parameters that God has given me work and work as well as I can make it work. I do not live on the prairie, I do not live in 1862, nor 1625 nor 1283. I’m here, right now. And I have to believe that’s what God wanted for me. As if it were a good thing.
(And no one around here homeschools…not that I would. The very thought of it elicits responses in my mind that make me absolutely positive that that’s NOT what God wants me to inflict upon my children.)
"Ultimately what troubles me is the narrow attitude that NFP should be viewed with suspicion, avoided at nearly all costs, and grudgingly permitted only when the most serious of health reasons demand it–but even then, only for a year or two. This isn’t what our Church teaches, nor does she allow us to decide that many or most NFP users are selfish and contraceptive-minded when there is simply no evidence of that."
Absolutely, Red Cardigan! Amen to that. By practicing NFP to avoid (avoid is not the same as prevent!) pregnancy we are not offending God.
I can’t improve upon Red Cardigan’s informed and intelligent articulation of the theology of NFP. And NYa cuts tto the heart of why the Church entrusts the decision on family size to the couple themselves. And marriage, the Church teaches, is not only about the procreation and education of children, but about the mutual support and love of the spouses. I am a passionate believer in all sorts of wonderful things that I believe to be really central to my Catholic faith, including large families, homeschooling, extended breastfeeding, staying at home with my children, good liberal arts education for anyone lucky enough to go to college. Go on down the list. But I would never–never–judge any other Catholic for different choices. And neither does the church. The Church, while properly praising large families and moms dedicated to breastfeeding, for instance, never makes the mistake of holding up a image of what the perfect Catholic family life looks like. If the example of my own family and choices inspires or gladdens anyone’s heart, that’s terrific. But I learned long ago that God has a different plan for each of us and we can wound and mislead and discourage by wagging our fingers at those who don’t follow our idea of a laundry list. Danielle’s original post asked us to encourage each other with stories of embracing a "surprise" pregnancy. That’s a great and important source of sisterly help. But it seemed to me at least that this discussion became about raising doubts and fears and scruples in people who are practising NFP.
Yes Sheila, and since I didn’t make myself clear in the matter: I wholeheartedly support, applaud, pray for and give thumbs up to those who are called to things that I have not been. Things like many children, homeschooling, ecological breastfeeding, etc. You go, youse girls. I mean that.
(I hope you can say the same for women like me.)
I agree so much with Red Cardigan’s summation. I don’t think the Church condemns us to extreme NFP or even that NFP use should be view with suspicion. I think the examples given are the reason that the couple decides and that the Church doesn’t give a laundry list. Quoting Red Cardigan, “Nor does [the Church] allow us to decide that many or most NFP users are selfish and contraceptive-minded when there is simply no evidence of that.” So very true.
We don’t need to hit people who are using NFP over the head. There are few enough of us as it is. But I do think it is fair to know, that just because the Church approves NFP, and that NFP is open to life, doesn’t mean that it can’t be misused. The majority of us aren’t misusing NFP at all, but it CAN happen. NFP is NOT a foolproof way of being open to life! It is a mindset, an attitude, a lifestyle, a prayer, a sacrifice – not just mechanics.
The Holy Father himself pointed out that misuse of NFP could be an “abuse.” That was Tracy’s point, at least that’s what I took away. It wasn’t meant to be a drawn-out, painful accusation, just a gentle push in the direction of truth. No one should be staying up at night scrupulously examining motives. We all are doing our best.
There’s a difference between pointing out the truth and ideals that we all strive for (and that the Church does teach) and judging someone for not living up to them. I think a lot of what Tracy and many other “judgmental” people mean to do is to point to the truth – NOT JUDGE! Just because someone is asking you to look at your choices, especially in this open forum, doesn’t make your choices bad or imply that they think so.
It’s not about bashing NFP use; it’s about the positive acceptance of God’s will for our lives – turning it all over to God – “Thy will be done.” And sometimes, NFP is God’s will! Thank God for that!
NYa writes:
"Bingo. You have no idea if there’s an adultery issue, an alcoholic issue, a gambling issue, a mental illness issue, maybe hubby likes dressing up in his wife’s clothes or he’s got some other porny addiction, you don’t know. Heck, sometimes the wife doesn’t know."
Please, don’t be so crude. Pray for those who are dealing with this type of hurt. Don’t use it to "make" a point.
NYa,
I am the one who posted Kimberly Hahn’s quote. Kimberly Hahn, of all people, would certainly not downplay a mother’s sacrifice! She is simply stating that we mothers have to deal with the pains, discomforts, and sacrifices that pregnancy and infancy bring, but that we do it because of the end result: a child. I also very much dislike being pregnant….the main thing I can appreciate about it is the fact that I am being a co-creator with God – and that IS an awesome thing. I won’t bore you with a list of all of my exhausting problems during pregnancy, but I will tell you that each of my nine kids was worth it. I’m sure you’d say the same about yours.
I think the use of the word "burden" is not a good way to look at our kids. Of course, in practicality, the work of taking care of them is very difficult and it’s the biggest responsibility that I’ve ever had. But when I catch myself thinking of my kids as a burden, which can happen often when I’m tired or sick of the fighting, messes, and sheer work of it all, it helps me a ton to change my thinking about them to "my work in life." Basically they are what God has called me to focus most of my efforts on right now, for this season. Did Mother Teresa look at her work, which took all of her effort, energy, and time, as a "burden"? I’d hate to think of Jesus on the cross, looking ahead in time to me and my life, and looking at me as His "burden" that He had to die for. Maybe it’s a matter of love – when love abounds the burden becomes a thing that we are willing to bear happily for the good of others. I’m still working on the "happily" part……it is HARD to care for our children and though I love it most of the time, I still struggle many days.
"I mean, I hear all kinds of romanticized talk about "tug on my heart for just one more" pregnancy and again, I just don’t get it…." (And on the end of fertility) "No sense getting "sad" about it; for me, it’s something that just is a part of life. Again with the sentimentality; something I have no use for."
Your above comments….I have to say, that when I mentioned that I would love to have just one more, it was really and truly NOT a sentimental statement. It was a statement borne of the realization that our children are the greatest treasure my husband and I have. It comes at the ripe old age of 43, when I think I’ve finally realized that for me, the crosses I endure during pregnancy are nothing compared to the gift of a new child. It comes after a few miscarriages and realizing that the gift of my fertility is something I should’ve never taken for granted. I think I finally "get it". If that’s too sentimental for you, sorry. And I WILL be sad when time and nature and God finally close the door on my fertility permanently. I will move on, of course, as I have with each season of my life. But it will be a sad day when there are no more babies and toddlers in our home. And BTW, our other kids all agree.
Just one last thing. "(And no one around here homeschools…not that I would. The very thought of it elicits responses in my mind that make me absolutely positive that that’s NOT what God wants me to inflict upon my children.)"
I am not sure what you meant by this comment – specifically the "inflicting upon your children" home schooling. You mention in a subsequent post that "I wholeheartedly support, applaud, pray for and give thumbs up to those who are called to things that I have not been. Things like many children, homeschooling, ecological breastfeeding, etc." In my previous post, I stated, as I always do, that I in no way feel that God is calling other mothers to live the way I do, with a large family and home schooling. Every mother has her own path, including moms like you in big cities where you can’t afford to have a large family and don’t care to home school them. I’m just wondering why you put that part about "inflicting home schooling on your kids".
"Don’t use it to "make" a point" So what should I use it for, then? Sympathy?
Lullabymom24, there was nothing, absolutely nothing in my post that was crude. It was all fact. I know people – more than one couple per problem, actually – who are dealing with every single one of those things I listed. Well, they’re all true. And when, in the next breath, you tell me to "pray for" them, you insinuate that I don’t. How do you know I’m not one of them?
"I think the use of the word "burden" is not a good way to look at our kids."
But isn’t it somewhat self-evident? If it weren’t a burden, every single woman out there would be doing whatever they could to have lots and lots of kids. Or at the very least, after that first one, they’d all say: Sign me up for an even dozen. But reality sets in and the realization that, wait…this is HARD. There are a LOT of drawbacks to this. Of course there is good to come from it, but ultimately, it’s a cross. Would it help if I said that just about everything worth having is, at times, a burden? It is. A good marriage is a burden. Obtaining a difficult degree is a burden. Maintaining a high-pressured job is a burden. Keeping a house clean is a burden! I think that most of life is, really, a burden. We are called to suffer. To say our suffering isn’t a burden – isn’t a cross – doesn’t make sense to me. Actually, I do think that the times that we are not suffering are the times where we get glimpses of heavenly perfection, but of course, even that isn’t perfect.
"Did Mother Teresa look at her work, which took all of her effort, energy, and time, as a "burden"?"
Well, yes, I do, but maybe this wording is clearer: I think she saw her work with the dying, poorest of the poor was her cross. It’s the idea that we take that cross and make it mean something that makes it all worth something; something much more than downplaying the suffering of one’s chosen path. But downplaying the burden – the cross – somehow, to me, doesn’t do it justice.
"Your above comments….I have to say, that when I mentioned that I would love to have just one more, it was really and truly NOT a sentimental statement."
And I believe you. My point was that it’s almost as if it’s the universal Catholic sentiment that we should all be "sad" – as someone said that Christopher West suggested – at the idea of the end of our fertility or acknowledging that having more children isn’t what you are called to do. I don’t "feel sad" and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I worked with what God gave me and what He wanted for me.
"And I WILL be sad when time and nature and God finally close the door on my fertility permanently. I will move on, of course, as I have with each season of my life."
Then we’re just cut from very different cloth and I thought that I should chime in, if for no other reason than to present my point of view. I’m no more sad about the loss of my fertility as the thought that I’m going to be dead 60 years from now. It’s as God planned. And I believe that outlook is very Catholic.
"Just one last thing. …
I am not sure what you meant by this comment – specifically the "inflicting upon your children" home schooling. "
Oy. OK, what I meant was: when I think of homeschooling, I have a response that is so overwhelmingly negative that I have no doubt that God is making it very clear to me that I should never inflict my being a homeschooler on my kids. I’m so not called to it, you have no idea. But sometimes I get the sense that according to some, I’m not quite toeing the Catholic line. I haven’t proven myself with enough kids, the right demeanor, the warm-n-fuzzy sad fertility stuff. Oh, then wait’ll they find out that I didn’t even breastfeed; then I’m really the black sheep. (Yep, I wasn’t called to do it.) That’s all, which is why I added the next post, showing support for your life choices. But I do get the sense that no one would ever post that I’m making great Catholic choices and that my circumstances are just as Catholic, just as holy, as most of the others here. It’s mostly lip-service, I find.
Thanks NYa, I understand what you are saying. All moms are "done" having children at some point. My mom stopped at 38 with eight children under the age of 13. My aunt stopped at 32 with six under seven. I think it’s ok to acknowledge that. I don’t wish for any more children. I lived my life with babies and toddlers to the fullest, now I’m living my life with preteens and teenagers to the fullest.
"For every thing there is a season"
God Bless NYa! Thank you so much. I completely agree with everything you write.
Fantastic comment, NYa. I could have written that myself. I also have a strong negative reaction to the idea of homeschooling and I am almost positive I am not called to it. I also do not feel “sad” in the least about avoiding pregnancy, which we are doing right now (using NFP) since we believe we have good reason to do so. I disagree with Christopher West that we “should” feel sad. We cannot control our feelings, only our actions. We should never use contraception and we should only use NFP for serious reasons, but we can’t control how we feel about it.
God bless you, NYa. You have a great gift for putting the thoughts of many into words. Having been the recipient of disapproving behavior from "superior Catholics" your words have been a balm to me.
Life is indeed hard and full of crosses. I don’t think Jesus wants us to act like a member of the hostile crowd or one of the Roman soldiers who so cruelly mocked him as he carried his cross for our sins….he wants us to be like Veronica or Simon of Cyrene: there to love, support, and bring comfort.
Ladies,
I believe this post was meant to encourage women who faced unexpected pregnancies. Could we stop the bickering, please?
*sigh*