Good morning! I’m serving baked custards this morning as a sneaky means of giving my children nutritious egg and dairy under the guise of “special dessert for breakfast.” But I’ll be having toast with coffee — Dunkin Donuts brand which is now available in the grocery aisle. We are a spoiled nation of caffeine consumers.
Pour yourself a cup and let’s chat. What’s on your minds today?
Regarding house cleaning/work:
I am in no shape to brag about a clean and ordered house but I can say that I am on my way. What i recommend is PRAYER and PETITION to our Lord!!! Ask Him to help you find someone to either help out with cleaning-that does not cost $ or very little $- and/or ask Him to provide you with someone to watch the little ones/big ones-bsically keep them out of your way- so that once a week or more you can be totally focused on cleaning. This is not something our GOOD LORD cannot provide for us. He knows it must be done, there must be a way. My hubby and I said a special prayer novena to our Lady and asked for specific things for someone to help us out. And in less than 9 days- the exact lady approached me and offered!!! NO JOKE!!! this is total trust on your end and be clear about what you are looking for and what help you need.
Many graces wished on you!
Spiritual director?
I would much rather have an older/wiser woman be my spiritual director than my priest. I *know* that priests have been “trained” to deal with problems that people ask about during confession, but I do not feel comfortable asking my priest questions about NFP, child-rearing and how to be a good wife—because, really, he has NEVER DONE any of these things.
I guess it would be the same as reading a child-rearing book written by some psychologist who never had any children……….
I read Dressing with Dignity and my eyes were opened as well. I made the drastic change from pants/slacks/jeans to all skirts while I was pregnant with my second son last year. I was blessed because at the time there were some long skirts on sale at Walmart that had elastic waists.
It was and sometimes still is hard to switch to this way of dressing. I say sometimes still is, because there are times I would love to just pull on a pair of jeans and run out the door. Plus jeans seemed easier to wash and wear than some of my skirts.
Anyway, most of my skirts are mid-calf or ankle length. I like to be stylish as well so I am still in the process of finding more outfits. I have two that I use at home while I am cleaning or working in the garden. Not so hard to get on the floor with kiddos since they are long skirts. Actually, I find it easier and less restraining to do somethings in my skirts than in jeans. I wear tights in the winter. Where I live it doesn’t get cold enough to snow, but I found that the skirts were pretty warm. Plus I figure if it could be done in the Pioneer, Victorian, and Civil War era why can’t I do it now. It takes a little more “work” or thought at times, but I think it is worth it. The only pairs of pants that I wear now are pajama bottoms. And I am looking into getting rid of those by replacing them with night gowns.
Now that I dress in skirts only, with modest tops, I find that I am not a slave to having a bad body image of myself anymore. I don’t think about it because I am not trying to be “hotter” than the next girl or getting other men to look at me. My mindset has changed regarding that. I feel more pretty and feminine now. On the flip side, as one of the previous ladies said, I did start judging others who wear immodest clothing, but now I just realize that they are just wearing what they have been taught is ok and I used to be where they are so I shouldn’t judge them.
One thing that sealed the deal for me when reading the book was the way pants draw men’s (and I would venture anybody’s) eyes to physically move up the pants to a woman’s private area and thus being an occasion of sin for men. And I don’t want to be a reason for someone else to commit a moral sin or any other for that matter.
Samantha:
Does your parish have a Familia program? It’s an apostolate of Regnum Christi, designed for mothers of young children to strengthen their faith. It’s a four-year study program. I’m about to complete my second year as an animator (co-leader) of this program. I’ve grown so much in my faith because of it, and also met and befriended some great women in the process. If you have access to it, I would highly recommend it.
The spiritual direction discussion has reminded me of something I meant to ask here: I’m trying to find a good guide to confession, but I’m having a hard time. I’ve seen and used several things, but they strike me as something more helpful to people who don’t go to confession very often – what I mean is, they seem focused on “big” things (like: Have you missed Sunday Mass? Have you had any role in an abortion? Do you use contraception?), but not as helpful in recalling the small, nagging things of a very ordinary life… I would especially welcome something specific for mothers and wives. Any suggestions? Thank you!
Thankyou
Danielle for your wonderful website. I discovered it about eighteen months ago and check it regularly. You do a fantastic job and coffee talk is a wonderful place to glean the wisdom of so many.
Missy,
On the modesty issue, I’m in complete agreement with Clara’s comments above. I too have been confronted with this issue and struggled to find the balance. Sometimes wihin our circle, be it homeschooling or otherwise, we come under enormous pressure from those around us on this and other issues. I changed the way I dressed for a while- long, drab unattractive dresses and skirts- until I came to my senses. My older daughters were 12 and 13 at the time and saw the change in their mother and didn’t like it. I had always been concerned with modesty prior to this and I already dressed modestly and for the occasion. As Clara pointed out there are extremists out there who grab hold of unappproved writings and insist they are equivalent to official church documents and anyone who doesn’t adhere to them is cast aside. I’ve been there. I have always insisted that my daughters dress modestly and this has not always been easy to achieve especially as they got older and could buy their own clothes. Alienating my teenage daughters by making unnecessary changes like this is just foolishness and can turn them off homeschooling and other homeschooling families. Let’s be strong in our faith and our fidelity to the church and teach our children to be open and accepting of others not narrow and hyper- critical of those who differ from us in this and other non-essential matters.
Dina,
I started homeschooling fifteen years ago when my then five children were 11,10,7,4 and 2 and the sixth was on the way. That first year was just wonderful even though I didn’t have the resources or experience I have now and I tried to duplicate school at home in some respects. I gave up part time work and other outside commitments to do it. The freedom of not rushing around and having all the time to spend with my children was the best thing for all of us. My eldest daughter just loved it and was always organising games and other things with her closest sister for them all to enjoy. I felt so happy and at peace to have them away from the school environment with all the bad influences and at home where I had time to teach them the faith and grow in my own knowledge of it as well. My second daughter missed school as she’d always loved it but didn’t tell me how much until later. At the time I wasn’t confident enough to homeschool through highschool so the older two were only at home for a couple of years for this reason and other circumstances at the time. I now have four at home and four of the others are fnished
school with the fifth in Grade 12. I’ve had many struggles and doubts over the years with regards to homeschooling but have not given up because I know what I am doing is best for the growth of my children’s faith and strengthening for the family.
I hope you find homeschooling is fruitful for your family as well.
God bless
Sarah L.–Our budget is suffering too!!! I make alot of casserole-type dishes. I start assembling them mid-morning (snack time for kids, naptime for baby). This way, dinner is made and put into the refrigerator before lunch. Then just a vegie and salad have to be prepared for dinner. This has worked very well for me over the years.
About bread: if you are really looking to save money go to a bakery thrift store. They have an enormous range of name-brand baked goods. Perfectly safe to eat. Stock up and freeze. Yes, it is healthier to bake your own, it is probably healthier to grow and grind your own grain as well but when it comes to time and money sometimes you have to make choices. Personally if I was homeschooling a lot of little kids now I would not be spending a lot of time worrying about home baking. Do it once in a while, for a fun activity with your kids (lots of math and science in baking!) but you need to think about where your energy and time are going. I love to bake but the cleanup time can be time away from the kids. Take advantage of what shortcuts work for you. I buy chicken pieces in bulk, on sale .39 or .49/lb, I haven’t cut up a whole chicken in about 25 years. Buy the big cans of beans and crushed tomatoes, if you use a lot of them…every family has their favorite ways. YMMV.
I read Dressing with Dignity at the same time as I was introduced to the British women who wrote What You Wear can Change Your Life, and What not to Wear. Now, these books are not modesty based –they are more attractive based. One thing I noticed was that they will do a “make over” that brings out the femininity of the woman’s figure. My husband and I decided that for us “dignity” meant some acknowledgment that he is masculine and I am feminine–and having that be reflected in our clothes. He started wearing ties to church –esp bow ties, which he looks really good in. I got more skirts etc. I tell people who notice that I hardly ever wear pants that I feel more attractive in skirts–most pants are just not very flattering. I homeschool, play, garden, and even chase pigs and sail, all in skirts–nice modern non-frumpy skirts. A good set of leather below-the-knee boots looks really stylin’. Also I love sockdreams.com–their extra long skrunchable socks are the warmest ever. I hate the saggy crotch thing with tights–these socke solve that problem!
That all said–I am grateful that I really do not waste energy judging my friends who wear jeans and pants–this is not a matter of sin–we are all making our way and wanting to be comfortable, happy, and modest.
Regarding changing times and male/female dress–when St Paul was writting men wore toga like robes, and lay down to eat a meal. . .though I’m glad we grew out of the bare-chested dresses back in ancient Greece! Though it would make nursing easier. . .
I recently read “Dressing With Dignity” and have to agree with Clara’s opinion of it. It reminded me of many of the books I read during my protestant days: taking Scripture verses and trying to base a lifestyle off of a few verses. There is nothing wrong with choosing to wear dresses/skirts, many friends read the book and decided to do so. But the attitude that many of them soon develop is very disturbing: that the Church wants all women to wear only skirts/dresses, that it somehow makes one holier. Several (well-intentioned) friends also came away from the book with the understanding that Our Lady of Fatima specifically warned women to not wear pants. After reading the book, I read everything I could find of what Our Lady of Fatima had to say, and found nothing specific to women wearing pants vs skirts/dresses. So while I believe the author is well-intentioned, I think her method of examining and teaching from Scripture is misguided and should not be mistaken as Church teaching. Certainly we must come into conformity in areas of dogma, but in other areas we have been given much freedom… including the freedom to dress modestly in pants.
While I agree that current fashions are often highly immodest, I have a difficult time interpreting the Bible so strictly as it applies to women wearing pants vs. skirts. Back in the days of Deuteronomy, both sexes wore flowing garments. Maybe this means today’s men are also wrong to wear pants because they should be embracing the Biblical clothing standard, which was a robe!
Obviously, this is a silly statement, but one that is meant to support the observations of others that there are modest and immodest versions of everything–slacks, skirts, dresses, tops and, yes, even manly garb. I’m not sure women should be so self-critical — or judgmental — of themselves because if they are truly modest in character, they will gravitate to modest dress in all its forms.
I’m with Clara on this. I have some problems with the Hammond book and sometimes those problems spill over into those who are “converted” by her.
I think it was Liz who said: “The skirt wearers suddenly see themselves as far holier than those wearing pants.”
I agree; they have become immodest in their excessive obsession regarding dress. “Look at me; I dress holier than you.” is not modest. To purposely not blend in with, not just most of society, but with the segment of society who does manage to look feminine, pretty and not overly-sexualized is problematic.
And as far as the Orthodox Jewish women thing goes, trust me, you don’t want to go there. I have and always have had friends, of varying degrees off frum Jews (ultimately, utter chaos when you do not have a pope) and you cannot believe the amount of infighting that goes on regarding all of their traditions, including dress. The accusations thrown at those who do not wear as high denier tights as another group, or too-bright colors – or colors at all; oy vey! This is a legalistic, anal, pseudo-redemptive (i.e. that’s what can happen when you don’t have a Savior) way of looking at all of the material world. Don’t go there. It’s not Catholic.
But also, what about women who are in the workplace? If you are in a professional field where a suit must be worn, it simply has to look like a contemporary business suit. That means no bottom-of-the-calf-length skirts, no flowy materials, etc.
I am also a fan of What Not to Wear. Although you’re not going get a Catholic perspective from them, there’s a lot they do that I agree with and I was heartened to hear Stacy say that their mission was the “de-slobbification of America”. That’s my pet peeve; everyone dressing down to the point of sloppiness, always and everywhere. That’s not beauty and somehow, that’s not Catholic.
As for “dressing as a man” do remember that Jesus never wore pants. So where does that leave you?
Re: spiritual direction
It has been such a blessing! None of us are holy enough – we go to learn how to work on it!
And for the woman who said that an older woman would be more insightful than a priest… I’m sure an older woman could help with specific child raising issues, good point. We should remember to turn to those who have made it through our trials. I don’t think this negates a priest’s help, though.
A priest’s strength is that he deals with the big issues – he can help you see why a prayer life is so important, help you think about outside the box ideas on how to find time, etc. A lot of the time, NFP issues and frustrations in parenting (at least for me) seem have a deeper and more universal root that I wouldn’t find without a priest’s guidance.
Great topics, once again ladies. I find the dressing modestly topic very rewarding. I have a concern about skirts/dresses that I haven’t seen mentioned. I live where it gets extremely hot (110 plus degrees) in the summer. While I am not really overweight, my upper thighs do touch when I stand/walk. I have found when I wear skirts in the summer, I am constantly using the skirt to dry my legs from the sweat that accumulates and then trickles down my leg. Too much information? I much prefer dresses and skirts to pants in the summer, but I don’t know what to do about this “sticky” situation. does anyone else have this problem they have been able to resolve?
Carmen, what a blessing it was to read about your daughter’s decision. She is a girl wise beyond her years.
SAMANTHA (just wrote that in caps in hopes you would see) a book i loved is Spiritual Childhood by Vernon Johnson. it’s an incorporation of St Therese’s spirituality for everyday living. loved.
with respect to modest dressing. i just go with a really practical approach. i wear jeans, i try to make sure they aren’t too tight or too low. i wear skirts. i try to make sure they aren’t too short or too tight. i wear tee shirts, i try to make sure they aren’t too low or too see through, if they are a lighter cotton, i usually throw a little sweater on over. i love to wear yoga pants-almost all the time. but i usually wear something longer over them if i go out of the house. i live in a hot climate in the summer. i wear tank tops, but if i go out i throw a button down shirt over. i like to be fashionable, i like to look like i care, but i also try to be aware of what is showing that shouldn’t be showing. i also try to carry myself modestly, as best as possible, by this i guess i mean i try not to attract inordinate attention to myself in how i dress one way or the other. i usually want to look neat, clean, well groomed and subdued without being unfashionable. easy right? ;-)))))))!!!
spiritual direction. i go to confession to a really great priest who i just love. i don’t go specifically for spiritual direction, but i go face to face and he always always says something very very helpful to me. so, that’s one thought, go to confession face to face if possible and usually the priest will take more time and give advice and help.
good luck all, have a great day.
I have questions similar to the one about school and debt from last week except it is my husband who wants to go to law school. I understand his motivation, making more $, allowing me not to work and stay home with the kids but the thought of taking out a large amount of money and then having to pay it back gets me nervous. I worry that we might get ourselves in a situation were we are paying back debt forever. Has anyone done anything similar, taken on debt to improve education/job potential? How has it worked out?
Oh about the modesty thing too, my husband said to me once after I asked him if my dress was appropriate, you are a mom now, meaning yes dress nice but not for attention, I think about this when I dress, I do want to look nice and take care of my appearance but I am a mom, not single looking to get noticed so I try to keep my dress nice but not flashy.
In regards to homeschooling,
We are also going to homeschool this fall. Our 13 year old will stay in school, but we are bringing home our 11, 8, 6, 4 year old. I also have a 2 year old and baby due in fall. I am very excited to have a new “lifestyle”, much more relaxed I hope. The 11 year old is not happy, but I am planning on allowing her to help with some of the planning and we are all doing the science and history curriculum together. My plan is to allow her to teach the science to her siblings. I am hoping this will allow her to feel she has some stake in the education process and get her excited to learn. Also, she is afraid to lose her friends. We are coming up with a calendar ahead of time where we will have set dates to get together with her friends.
I have read several books and spoke with several homeschoolers in our area and they have told me to pay the $100 and join the HSLDA. I think this will give me peace of mind that if people make false accusations we will be covered. All of our children are currently in an expensive, private school and the cost is becoming difficult. We are hoping the homeschool experience will be well worth the effort it is going to take on our part. We are going at it year-by-year. Hopefully, this is a path that will continue in our future.
Mary:
Having a spiritual director isn’t for those who are holy, but for those who wish to work in that direction. I have a permanently professed religious sister as my spiritual director. It had been recommended to me by several people and I knew quite a few people who had spiritual directors before I ever got up the nerve to ask for recommendations. Just before my first meeting with Sister, a major problem hit me like a ton of bricks. It was wonderful to know that I had someone to help me through it. I would recommend looking into it. How often I meet with my spiritual director has varied over time, but appreciate the accountability and advice I receive.
Bridget Reidell:
Thank you for the comment about not judging others who have not adopted the same level of modest and feminine dress. It is a good reminder for us all.
Amy:
I second what you say about it being difficult to find modest clothes for petite, “skinny” people. Teen fashions are generally not modest, but I can occasionally find decent skirts in children’s sizes (14-16).
As far as modest dress goes, I think that many pants are very acceptable for women to wear, and dresses and skirts are not always practical.
There are, of course, many *many* immodest choices out there. Including skirts and dresses.
I really liked the book IT’S SO YOU, by Mary Sheehan. She goes through many different aspects of wardrobes so that what you’re wearing fits with your body type and coloring, but she also tells it like it is as far as modesty goes — such as reminding you to check how the back of you looks in pants before you buy them. It’s definitely from a perspective of someone concerned with modesty, but also who knows a lot about body shape, fashion, etc. It was very helpful.
From Schoolschool to Homeschool…your kids will probably need some time to “de-school”. Try googling it. You will come up with some really outrageous parents and theories, but there is truth to de-schooling and I recommend that you pay attention to the kids’ needs for it. You don’t have to go straight from school at school to school at home. You don’t have to take the unschool philosophy as gospel, but try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater!
On modesty…I started this comment early, but it’s taken me most of the day to get back to it. I don’t know what folks have said about the modesty book, so I don’t know if there’s already a firestorm or if I’ll be starting one, but I wasn’t all that impressed by that book. I’m also not too impressed by the bible verse prohibiting men wearing women’s clothes or women wearing men’s clothes…didn’t the men in those days wear dress-like outfits? I suspect there’s more to it than pants vs. skirts.
I do agree that a woman wearing a skirt is treated better and behaves better. She just looks classier and that radiates. Modesty isn’t one of “my issues”, but for women who are feeling pulled toward a more modest manner, I say go for it, but be careful that it doesn’t become one of those “issue” things that serves more to separates us sisters than bring us closer to God.
On housekeeping…Take Carmen’s advice….lower your standards!! Also, now that we’re Babymooning over here, I’m home a lot more and the house is staying a lot neater. I’m an escaper…love to be out and about and then the mess just gets worse and worse. I’m going to take a lesson from this babymoon and trim back my travels. Lists are my friend, too…I make one for the kids (ages 13, 11, 8, 6 and 3) with all of the tasks that need doing. I don’t assign any of them…they look at the list and pick the easiest one, do it, cross it off and then pick another one. They have to work until it’s all done. I’m not nagging, they KNOW they have to keep picking tasks and I’m really happy with this new method! (The 3 yr old doesn’t do much unless she wants to….and then she’s great at emptying the dryer into a basket, folding washcloths or “washing” dishes.)
One point on Dressing with Dignity that a friend found very helpful was in pointing out how much men are led with theri eyes. Her husband has great difficulty with the inappropriate dress of some of the women he works with. Men feel like they can’t move or they’ll see something they don’t want to see on someone they aren’t married too.
To me dressing modestly means my husband knows I am his alone. Doesn’t always work– I remember him buying me a nice outfit only to find moving wrong revealed far more than we thought it would. I also had a priest remind me that I was my husband’s ‘pride’ something he could boast in as a gift from the Lord. I was reminded of this when he showed up, unannounced, with his Boss in the middle of the day yesterday! (no I didn’t kill him) He had enough confidence in me that he knew I would be fine without warning.
Homeschooling: Actually the only people I know who have had to deal with authorities were going through custody issues or were blended families. No matter what you try to do to fix these situations, Satan sees it as a moment for attack. We may see more of this as some moms hope homeschooling will give them time with hurt children, step children to heal wounds and fill gaps.
This is an answer to Rachel–I hope you look all the way down here!
I’m not a mom, but the exact same thing happened to me that your daughter is going through. My mom asked my doctor about it at the time, and he said that it’s normal in young girls. I don’t remember the exact explanation (I was 11 at the time, after all!), but basically I think that her body just needs to get used to its cycle before it will become regular. For me this lasted a couple of months.
In the meantime, it’s awful to be an 11 year old going through that twice a month. I’ll keep you both in my prayers!
Nikki, for help with your “sticky” problem, you might try getting some cotton bike shorts to wear under your skirts. Some women claim it works wonder for absorbing the sweat and keeping their legs from chaffing.
A couple of years ago I attended a modesty lecture at a home schooling conference. The young woman who presented (18 years old) was sincere, articulate and bright. I liked her very much. She was urging women to NEVER wear pants, only wear long skirts, high collars and long sleeves. She also said that Our Lady of Fatima said we should dress this way. It was 98 degrees and she (along with her posse of 15 young ladies) had on long denim skirts, long sleeve cotton blouses to their chins and their hair was in a bun. I spoke with my husband about this message and he pointed out that someone who dresses so out of step with their culture is not modest, but rather someone who is drawing extra attention to themselves , which is rather in-modest.
Later that summer I was speaking with my home schooled 13 year old babysitter about the idea of only wearing dresses/skirts and dressing “modestly”. I was surprised when she mentioned that her mom and older sister both only wore skirts. I knew both her sister and mom and when I thought about it I realized that I had indeed, never seen them in pants. Mom and daughter wore “normal”, stylish (but not cutting edge), non-attention-seeking, modest blouses/tee-shirts and cute skirts. They were not urging my babysitter to follow suit. They both dressed the way they believe they were called and they left the rest of us alone.
If only holiness could be as easy as never wearing pants and only wearing skirts.
Thank you, Suzanne! After I asked my question to all of you our Lord answered it for me. I believe what’s happening is what usually happens when females live under the same roof-we’re “synching”! This doesn’t bode well for the 4 males in the household, though!
It was sweet of you to share with me. Thanks for your prayers and know you can count on mine. God bless!
hi ladies,
dress-its not what you wear its how you act wearing it! That stuff in the bible !Well do you know anywere in the world now were ideas about what are or are not men cloths/womens clothes arent contradictory , kilts! and chong sams or shalwar kamese so dont go all Amish because of some book, if your clean and comfortable it doesnt matter!!!!
GB:
Leaflet Missal has a WONDERFUL guide to confession. It is purple with the face of Christ on the front. Email me with your name & address and I will mail you one. caseltzer@gmail.com
Marie,
we are in a similar situation right now. I am currently a SAHM with 2 kids, a third on the way, and my husband is looking at returning to school to gain an advanced degree that would increase our income by more than 2fold (closer to 3x). The prospect of taking out huge loans to support us while my dh is in school for 3 years is a bit daunting and overwhelming. It would mean a screeching halt to any income or savings for 3 years, and a piling up of debt that would take us a few years at the new salary to pay off. If we put it off another year, we could save a bigger chunk to help offset loans we would have to take out, but this still makes us both nervous. For us, the solution has presented itself to us in the form of the Army. He will be active duty for the duration of school, and for 4 years after. He will have a full-time salary while attending school, with housing, insurance, etc all provided. We will come out of school with savings rather than debt. If your dh is looking at law, any branch of the Armed Forces will pay his way through school…Just thought I would put it out there if you haven’t considered it as an option. For us, it makes the most sense. I never would have thought of it, but my dh grew up as an Army brat and immediately knew this was the right path for our family, keeping us financially stable while working his way toward increasing his earning potential for the long-term benefit of the family.
GB-
I had big sharing issues with my eldest as well. You might want to check out the book “Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years” by Jim and Charles Fay
It has very practical and helpful tips on dealing with behaviors such as this without nagging, yelling, or feeling like you’re giving up all your energy to mediate constantly. It’s a quick read–you’ll be finished in an evening, but I find myself re-reading it about twice a year. (There are some cheesy parts, but despite this, it’s the best hands-on practical, caring book on discipline that I’ve read.)
RE: spiritual direction.
I have experienced many avenues with this and have found them all helpful. I have worked with 2 different priests and for 2 yrs lived with a nun, whom I considered a spiritual director, while discerning my vocation.
I think in general priests have way to many demands on them. It is unfortunate but a reality with the shortage of priests that some of them are running 2 or 3 parishes. So I don’t think we should limit ourselves to priests or expect that a priest can take us on.
It was very fruitful for me to have this direction especially in discerning major decisions in my life. Even now I will go talk to a priest I received direction from when I have a specific big issue.
At this point though I would much prefer an older wiser mom. I think it would be much more helpful. I do also gain direction from bible studies and a couples group my husband and I have been in for 10 yrs. These avenues also help me to discern where I need to be with God.
I have also seen the idea of group spiritual direction out there but now nothing about it.
# Rachel
Though my seventeen year old daughter didn’t start her monthly until a little older than eleven, it took her a couple years to get regular. She would go for a couple days then be done for a couple weeks, then finish and go a couple months. I was very concerned and took her to the family doctor who said that this is normal for a girl under sixteen. Though I love and trust our family doctor, I decided to seek the advice of an OB/GYN. Sure enough the GYN told me the same thing. By sixteen my daughter’s body had ironed things out naturally and she is now right where she should be. Too bad most never talk about these types of things or we Mothers would worry a lot less.
Jenny,
If you are truly feeling called to Home school, I wouldn’t let these things bother you. Even if people do call children’s services Home schooling is not illegal so you have nothing to worry about. I have a church friend who works for our local Children’s services who is one of the nicest people you would ever meet. Though she would never disclose people’s information, she has admitted that most visits /investigations to people’s houses that she does end in no evidence to support allegations being found. Many people don’t realize it but all allegations are investigated so if someone doesn’t like you, they can call for any reason and you will be visited. Because of this you should never worry about other people’s opinions
MY opinion on dressing modestly.
I say to each their own.If you feel comfortable in dresses, than by all means wear them. If not jeans can look modest if they are good fitting and in good shape. I am not much on dresses and wear jeans most of the time. I have even been known to wear jeans ( usually Black , brown, or dressier colored jeans) to mass . My problem is that I am big chested and no matter what kind of top I wear my chest is prevalent. I try not to go too low cut on my tops . The way I usually accomplish keeping it as modest as possible is asking my husband. He tends to be a good judge of what is and isn’t modest on me and is more than willing to give it to me straight.
Sara,
I cook 90% of my families meals from scratch. Yes it is time consuming but one of my best tricks is cooking for a couple meals at once. for Home made bread, I mix it up while I am watching breakfast on the stove. I let it rise and put it in the oven as I am preparing dinner. When I cook on the grill I , many times cook enough meat for two meals.( leaving the extra meat a little short of being totally done) The extra meat is put in Tupperware and put in the freezer to be pulled out later and heated up giving warm grilled meat for that night. When I make soup I always make two pots and freeze one. It is amazing how much time these tricks save and we have nutritional foods for less money than the cost of processed foods.
“I was reminded of this when he showed up, unannounced, with his Boss in the middle of the day yesterday! (no I didn’t kill him) He had enough confidence in me that he knew I would be fine without warning.”
I’m not trying to “make waves,” but in my way of looking at things a man treating his wife that way isn’t confidence, but disrespect. A wife could be living her vocation to the fullest but be ill, or taking care of a suddenly-sick child, or in the middle of a massive housecleaning project, or doing one of hundreds of other things that she wouldn’t want her husband’s BOSS to walk in on! How hard is a phone call thirty minutes to an hour beforehand just to make sure that things are tidy and that it’s not inconvenient for the wife to attend to unexpected company? Wouldn’t that be the minimum gesture of respect for her?
I bring this up because it’s a trend I’ve noticed in a few of these discussions. From housecleaning to modesty to sudden boss entertainment, the job is seen as wholly the responsibility of the wife, with the husband’s job being seen as “Show up and pay for things.” This doesn’t just demean us women–it demeans our husbands, too. If we excuse rudeness as “masculinity,” overlook a lack of effort on their parts within the home as “not his job,” and consider it normal for a man to work eight to ten hours a day and then expect one free day each weekend for his own pursuits on the grounds that he’s “earned” this, then aren’t we really failing to take seriously our job as their spiritual partner in the journey toward heaven?
Let’s not sell our husbands short–they’re capable of being wonderful, and we should do them the courtesy of believing that!
Sarah L.,
Just thought I might offer a few thoughts on the food budget/cooking situation. First off, boxed foods are not always poor in nutrition. Also, cooking from scratch is not always cheaper and more nutritious. These are myths that people buy into. (Again, it’s like the other issue that is being discussed today–pants vs. skirts and dresses. There will always be extremists who will tell you that one way is THE way.)
I, too, have lots of little ones. Macaroni and cheese boxes at 4 for $1.00 are wonderful. (True, homemade is good, too, but the cheese is very fattening and more expensive!) If you’re worried about the nutritional content, add a can of drained mixed vegetables.
Someone mentioned above that breadmaking is very time-consuming. And what’s more, if you actually calculate the cost of homemade bread, it’s not a bargain (at least not any of the places I have lived). Also, the homemade bread doesn’t last as long, so you end up eating more bread just to make sure it doesn’t go bad, and then you have to make another batch sooner, thereby increasing overall costs.
In the past, others have commented on making their own homemade yogurt, but it really isn’t economical unless you plan on eating it straight, without sweeteners or various fruit add-ins. Most people like to add the fruit, and that really increases the cost. My husband and I like to eat yogurt for health purposes, so we eat it in small portions every other day (store-bought).
This budget-conscious cooking is really a science that requires some reading of cooking books, weekly ads, and advice from others, so just keep plugging away at it. My mom taught me a lot. We always ate well and at a low cost. Don’t let the extremists try to tell you that you need to cook everything from scratch; only SOME things are cheaper from scratch. And don’t let the extremists who buy only organic items get to you, either. (Yes, it’s fine to buy organic if you can afford it, but most of us with large families can’t.)
Bottom line: buy what you can afford and work with it to make it as nutritious as you can (the creativeness of it all can actually become fun over time, as you’ll see!)
Hi. Thank you ladies for such interesting reading. I wanted to comment to Sarah L. about bread.
I just got a book from our library called Artisan Bread in 5 minutes a Day. It instructs you to make a big batch of dough which rises for a while on your counter. Then you stick it in your fridge and cut off a chunk of dough as needed. You coat it in flour, give it another rise and then bake.
This system doesn’t require kneading and I mix ingredients only once a week. And then there are a bunch a variations (I haven’t personally tried these yet), but they were for things like pizza dough, baguettes, pastries, etc.
Kind of fun and working for our homeschooling family of 4 little ones (and #5 on the way). We do still buy some bread as this isn’t great sandwich bread, but not as much.
RE: housework
Joan, I work outside the home full-time and even before my daughter was born I found that trying to keep the house spotless was near impossible. It has already been mentioned but lowering your standards is a great place to start.
The next thing that helped me is to realize that I didn’t have to put everything away in order to clean. I realize that many women (and men) will be horrified to read this but I’ll share our housekeeping schedule with you.
Cleaning typically happens every Saturday morning. Everyone pitches in and we clean 1/2 of the house: upstairs one week, downstairs the next. To dust surfaces that are cluttered we temporarily pitch everything in a box or laundry basket, do the dusting and then put it all back where we found it or leave it in the basket. Every surface in my house gets cleaned on a 2-week rotation so the dirt never gets too thick.
I reserve the organizing and putting away for weeknights. At least 3 nights each week I will spend 15 minutes putting away stuff that was left in the baskets from the Saturday cleaning. If the baskets are empty there is always some surface that needs de-cluttering or junk mail to be shredded, etc.
My house is never spotless but it is not so dirty that I would be ashamed to have guests over.
Some more grocery saving tips:
– One tip that has helped us is to investigate the cuisines of other cultures, especially their “everyday” foods. For instance, Mexican food is usually very inexpensive. Dry beans are super cheap, nutritious and filling. I make make up a large batch, puree them, and add garlic, hot sauce, and tequila to give them a great flavor with no added fat.
– Try to cook from scratch as much as possible. Food does tend to be cheaper the more you have to do to it at home. Whole chickens are always much less per pound than chicken pieces. I’ll roast a chicken and use the meat in at least two meals. Then I boil the carcass for stock that becomes a big pot of soup (usually another two meals).
– I’ve also been working on how to find time to cook (I have a one year old and am 7 months pregnant and easily tired). The most important thing is to plan your dinner menu for the week. It really helps you to already know what you’re making for dinner that night. Also, start cooking dinner after breakfast. I can make a complicated Indian dinner, by starting early and making one dish at a time when I have a few moments throughout the day. Cold things have plenty of time to chill and I just have to reheat the hot items once my husband gets home.
Mary B. commented that men are very visual. That, according to many sources, is a truthful statement. However, it is not sinful for a woman to wear clothing that reveals her feminine shape. (No, I did NOT say it’s okay to wear skintight jeans and shirts that are a size too small.) It would be wrong to wear low-cut blouses, tight pants, shorts or skirts that are too short, etc. In other words, it’s wrong to reveal too much.
However, God gave us our feminine form to attract men. To encourage your teenage daughter to wear baggy clothes so that her form is indistinguishable from a boy’s is not good advice. Once when I was going through an overly-scrupulous time of my life during my single years, my mother emphatically told me that there was nothing wrong with a young man noticing that a girl has a nice shape. And that there was nothing wrong with wearing a dress (or pants, skirt, etc.) that shows a few curves. (In other words, a baggy jumper with no waist that goes below the knees is not exceptionally attractive if you have a nice figure that can accommodate a more stylish outfit.)
Within reason, a man is also responsible for controlling his thoughts. A woman’s dress should only be criticized when it is too revealing, and we all know, or can sense, where the boundary between style and indecency is. As someone else above put it, we don’t have to “go Amish” in order to be modest. Just use good common sense and enjoy your clothing.
Samatha,
A couple books I really like that you might try: “Your Vocation of Love” by Agnes Penny and “Holiness for Housewives (and other Working Women)” byHubert Van Zeller. Easy, inspiring reads aimed at moms.
Sarah L..
I just read Jenny P.’s post and she is right about cooking meat from scratch. Meat is always cheaper if you buy it “unprocessed.” The cleaning, cooking and deboning of it all does take time, but it is definitely worth it, with regard to the cost. Just wanted to add that to my previous post.
PS on my thought on spiritual direction.
It has been helpful to have it for big issues. That being said though I cring when I hear people say that women should go to their confessor/spiritual direction to get permission to use NFP. Discussing church teaching on the issue would be helpful but that is it. I think that sacred decision should be between a husband, wife and God.
It really makes me sad to think that the norm use to be women had to get permssion from their confessor to use NFP. Or at least that is what I am led to believe.
For Samantha,
I would recommend any book by Father Thomas Dubay if you are searching for some books on spiritual direction and prayer. In fact, he has a book entitled “Seeking Spiritual Direction” and one entitled “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”. He has changed my spiritual life for the better!
God bless you on your journey!
I agree completely with Monica. Although a woman should dress modestly, she doesn’t have to wear formless clothing because she is afraid that a man might have impure thoughts if she wears an outfit that reveals her shape. And long skirts are not necessary, either. Showing part of the leg is not immodest. Wearing dresses and skirts that go down to the ankle is radical if you are doing it for modesty purposes. (If that’s the style you prefer, that’s fine, though). I myself don’t care for wearing clothing so loose that I might as well be wearing a burlap bag. Long skirts are often impractical and certainly not necessary in the practice of modesty. That’s just my two cents!
This whole discussion on modesty is disturbing to me. I must live in a big cosmopolitan bubble because I do not know one woman who will not wear khakis or jeans. Does this mean that we are all walking around inappropriately dressed? This sounds so fundamentally Protestant to me, where there is no real substance, only form and where one is judged from the outside, by his peers and not from the inside, by his Maker.
Re: confession guides
Thank you, Amy – I’m buying a few here: http://www.leafletonline.com/catalog/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=278_424&products_id=2999&zenid=a90d1383e75bd415599bf7768f0b8d34
Dani, thank you for the reading suggestion. It is indeed exhausting to constantly watch the children to make sure nothing bad happens and to correct my son all the time…
Emma said: “And don’t let the extremists who buy only organic items get to you, either. (Yes, it’s fine to buy organic if you can afford it, but most of us with large families can’t.)”
That made me chuckle. I buy some organic, and find not only does it taste better, but I feel better when I eat it. I would love to go “all organic” but can’t afford it at the moment. I also do not use processed foods. I do buy my whole wheat bread for my family, and my husband does like mac and cheese, but on the whole we do not eat any processed foods. IT’s cheaper, MUCH more nutritios and we are healthier for it. Veggies I buy mostly frozen,(non organic) and do pick up some organic produce on pay day. We eat basic foods like rice, , potatoes (if you have never tasted organic, you have to try them, the taste difference is unbelievable!) chicken etc. I also buy organic eggs. I started buying those at least 15 years ago. I dont’ consider myself a fanatic, I just like to buy food that makes me feel good.
City Mom, I agree with you. I cannot imagine my life without pants! I teach Kindergarten, and wearing dresses and skirts is not practical for me. I say “do whatever floats your boat!”
I’m so glad I checked this today! I have also read the Hammond book and for a while was quite influenced by it. This whole topic has become much more of an issue for me as I begin to feel and look my age –38 — and have five kids, with another on the way. A woman begins to want to look her best, which when she’s 22 can be easily achieved!
I have mostly switched to skirts, but not because I think that I must to be modest. Actually, I came to think many of the same things that its critics have said here. But what I concluded after much thought and reflection was this:
I have been given such an exalted gift — I have been called to holy Catholic motherhood. In many, if not most, cultures throughout time, a woman called to marriage and motherhood changed how she dressed, as a sign of her change (and I would say elevation) in status. Yet so many times I have seen myself dragging around in the same old jeans and t-shirts, long not-clean hair, no makeup. Really I looked like I couldn’t care less about myself or my life, or about what it was that I was doing.
So that’s why I’ve made the change. I make a real effort to dress more nicely than my inclination — usually stylish skirts (I hate prairie style jumpers and cannot stand denim for anything other than jeans, which I wear if I’m hiking or cleaning at home) plus something pretty (if I have it) on top. And this has affected how I go about my day, and how I regard what I’m doing. What would I be doing that is more important than what I am? I want more to show that I’m a married woman than my wedding ring — I want to show my husband especially that I know how blessed I am, that just punching the homeschool/housecleaning/child-caring/cooking/organizing clock is a privilege!
As for modesty, I agree with most of the above. A woman should dress well, but not be calling attention to her body in a manner to invite lustful glances.
For the record…I am not a big fan of the frompy Amish looking style…I have nothing against it..but it’s just not me. My original post sure hit a chord with some people. I appreciate the discussion…and agree with many of you. You can look nice/stylish AND be modest…
Samantha on spiritual reading:
I hope you are still checking this thread! I would recommend a few: Surprised by Truth, by Patrick Madrid.
Rome Sweet Home, by Scott Hahn.
These two are stories of conversion, which can be very enlightening for cradle Catholics. They’re also very moving.
Also, PLEASE consider investing in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the big one. It seems daunting, but I promise you that it is actually quite reader friendly. The place to start is with whatever questions have most bothered you about the faith, or perplexed you. Look in the index at the back, or check the compendium that can be purchased along with it. Personally, I have found the final section, which is all about prayer, to be extremely rewarding to think about. Furthermore, the sections are broken down into little paragraphs with helpful headings. Pick maybe two paragraphs at a time, and just consider what they might mean in your life. Also, if there are Scripture references it can be helpful to look those up and just ask yourself how they apply to you personally.
Finally, we can’t ever downplay the importance of the Bible itself. Personally I like to read slowly through a Psalm, just to put myself into a prayerful attitude, and then choose a short passage from the Gospels, usually just a paragraph at a time. Ask Jesus to show himself to you in it. It is amazing — amazing — how he will speak just through the smallest word of Scripture, and how much more you will grow in love for Him and His Church.
On keeping the house clean: one thing that *really* has helped me in the past 6 months or so is to RUTHLESSLY get rid of things. Things that we use are fine, but there are — or were, now — tons of things in my home that I was keeping and never using, which meant that either I was cleaning up or around stuff that I didn’t use, or that it was taking up space that I could use for actually useful things. If you cut down on the stuff you have to clean, it can really help. Especially if you have little kids who like to take things out. Over and over.