Happy Tuesday! Let’s talk!
UPDATE: Okay people, don’t be so polite. The next time I misspell “Coffee” in “Coffee Talk” feel free to point it out to me. And then offer me a cup!
2nd UPDATE: Some comments deleted, all comments closed. Nobody is in trouble, but here’s the deal: The magazine article about baptism in case of a miscarriage that a commenter posted in its entirety is not something I have permission to reprint on my site, and I am afraid that its tone and content would do more harm than good here anyway. But the commenter was correct in pointing out that this is an important topic for Catholic families to think about and discuss.
Here is some helpful information on the topic:
1. Baptism is an important sacrament and Catholic parents should take seriously their duty to have their infants baptized as soon as reasonably possible after birth. They should also familiarize themselves with the proper way to perform an emergency baptism in case their child faces a life-threatening condition any time before receiving the sacrament.
2. Only the living can benefit from the sacraments, including baptism. In the case of miscarriage, it is not at all wrong to baptize an unborn child no matter what its stage of development. Many parents do choose to baptize the embryo, even when they are reasonably certain the baby has died — both because they cannot be 100% sure when the baby died and because doing so provides them with a tangible way of expressing a real desire to have their child baptized. Doing so is not wrong, but it is also not a sacrament if the child is no longer living.
3. Parents who worry about the fate of their un-baptized unborn babies, can find a helpful guide to Church tradition and teaching in this article: Let the Children Come to Me: The International Theological Commission Clarifies Limbo. I think it is especially comforting for us to remember, as the article points out, that “God’s power is not restricted to the sacraments.”
[tags]coffee talk, catholic family life[/tags]
Hi everyone,
I have never posted before but I love this blog and read it a lot. I am at a difficult point in my life – because I have a problem I really can’t talk about to any of my close friends. Not because I don’t think they would give me good advice but because I don’t want them to think badly of my husband. My dear husband, whom I love very much and who is a good father to our 3 children (and #4 on the way) has been addicted to pornography since he was 11 or 12. Basically – his fathers stuff that was found by him at that age. I feel so badly for him because I know that it really bothers him – he is really struggling – goes to confession and all that. It has actually gotten better over the last year since we have become Catholic – because he has the help of the sacraments. But it has gotten worse for me…. because before I never knew when it happened. Now – I always find out someway. This last incident he had looked at something then came to our bed to be intimate with me, then he lied about it. I am so heartbroken about it. Not just that he has the problem, but that it has affected our marriage so much. I don’t even want him to touch me right now, because everytime he does I just want to cry. It is as if he has had an affair. I just keep wondering what he looked at, why does he have to look at something – why can’t I be enough? Should I go to our priest and get counseling? Should we go together? If anyone has gone thru this before or has any suggestions, I would be grateful… or even prayers for me (and him) would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.
There is a website dedicated to helping men overcome their addiction to porn. It is http://www.trueknights.org. Hope this helps.
Dear Unhappy,
This is a serious addiction and will require time and patience and forgiveness to heal. Please, please, do get help for yourself and your husband, if he’s willing to do so. Steve Wood, who is a Catholic dad and speaker, has a list of resources on his website that should help you get started. http://www.dads.org/strugglewithporn.asp
Also, Greg Popcak, who is a Catholic counselor, does tele-counseling, and may also be able to point you to a good, Catholic counselor in your area: http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm.
Of course prayer and more prayer and more prayer are going to be necessary for both of you. Ask people to pray for a special intention for your marriage if you don’t want to share the whole story. Also, if you do have a good priest, it may be very helpful and healing for you to talk to him, and your husband as well. We should remember that our good priests have a *lot* of experience practicing chastity and are a good resource!
I will definitely keep you and your husband in my prayers.
HA! Danielle, I love your update! I didn’t even *notice* that coffee was misspelled…perhaps because I didn’t have any coffee.
Hi Unhappy–My husband has struggled with the same issue. Thankfully he has had a few really wonderful priests who did their own reasurch in order to direct him well. Addiction to porn has more to do with stress and adreliline than sexuality.
That said–I had a lot of the same feelings of betrayal–like he had had an affair.
Part of what makes it so hard is that he is such a wonderful husband and father, and Catholic Man in general. He feels like a horrible hypocrate about it.
One thing we did was put a filter on the computer that only I can get past. It is humbling for him to have to get me to type the password so he can access a new website, but it gives us both assurance. Funny–it was after watcing the Larry-boy movie about temptation that he finally talked to me about his problem. The main idea in the movie is that we need our friends to help us resist temptation.
Help him to get a good spiritual diector–a faithful priest who will love and challenge him. Talk about your feelings of betrayal. He does need to respect your level of confort around intamacy–it can take a while to feel willing to accept your husband after such a betrayal–but at the same time you need to work hard to forgive and trust again. Honesty can be painful–but Christ will lead you well if you can cling to his mercy.
Remember that we are here to get eachother to heaven. God in His wisdom knows that you are the woman to help your husband become a Holy Man! And this struggle has something to do with your own growth in holiness, too. Sometimes it’s hard to see what “take up your cross and follow me” means–sometimes it’s all too clear!
You will be in my prayers,
Another Woman in Christ
Regarding “keeping the faith.” I think the key is to cut yourself off as much as possible from the media. The media is where most of us and our children are subtly influenced on how we are “supposed” to think and feel about subjects and events. The music, the actors, the scenery – everything puts pressure on our subconscious as to what we become attracted to. Even those “good old movies” stress romance and excitement in relationships more than true self-sacrificing love. So cut yourself off from the media culture and form your own culture (in other words, don’t leave a vacuum). We have such a busy culture – noise, visuals, etc. Your children can not hear God’s voice if they do not become accustomed to (and enjoy) long periods of quiet. Keep the radio/audio off in the car. Don’t use the media as family recreation – DO stuff with each other, even if it is just a silly word game or telling jokes. So, first, keep out those things that eat slowly away at faith; then, bring in those things that build strong relationships, so you are more of an influence on your children than anyone or anything else.
Just a comment to those worried about explaining the size of their family. Just this weekend, we had several couples over to our home for dinner. Our baby (only as of right now) is going on one; the other couple had one baby about the same age and the other couple (Protestant) has two kids. Previously, they (the other two couples) have had discussions about being ‘done’ or not with regards to having children. I never participated in the conversation b/c I was uncomfortable to do so.
Until the wife of the Protestant couple directly asked me at dinner if we planned any more. So, in a typcial Danielle Beanish, Catholic sort of way, I just smiled and said, “Well whether its two or ten, we’ll take whatever the Lord give us.” The wife seemed pleased with that answer. (I secretly think she may want another!)
BUT, later on, my DH told me that the other husband had asked him incredulously, “Are you really okay with ten?” My DH said “Well we may have started too late in life for that (we are 30) but we’ll take whatever.”
Its really hard to deal with these conversations and I am pretty sure the other husband was thinking ‘Hey they only have one; what do they know?” as he scrambled around after their toddler but I was really proud of myself and my husband for coping well and then praying later for the other couples.
Before I had children, I didn’t realize conversations about my child-bearing would be so personal and up close!
Thanks for the help through your blooks, this blog and the wonderful other moms on this site!
Mary,
In my opinion, nothing is as hard as going from none to one. That is when your whole life changes in every way (for the good!) And I found that having only one child at home was very stressful. You are their everything all day long, and vice versa. It gets a little too “microscopic” for me. When our #2 came along, I felt a relief that now #1 would have someone to take the heat of being the only off of her. Oy children have welcomed #3 and #4 with open hearts and they play for long stretches with no mom intervention. As the mother of one, you are already making lunches and helping them all day – why not throw one or two (or more) sandwiches in the assembly line?
And yes, people will always make comments no matter what. I just try to be as gracious as I can and remember how blessed I am.
To Mom of 4 (and an Angel),
You are in my prayers; it will take a long time to heal but please know there are many out there praying for you. I am also a mom of four with an Angel in Heaven (a sweet baby girl named Lindsay). You will be in my thoughts, my heart and my prayers.
I am terribly sorry people have been cruel to you; that makes me feel sick to hear something like that.
Take care of yourself and our wonderful God will get you through this,
Amanda
I had to laugh at the comment made by Susan about only washing kids’ hair when absolutely necessary, even waiting a month. I’m glad that works for you but I live in Texas and it gets HOT down here. My older 2 girls have hair almost to their waists and my next daughter has never had a haircut (but she’s only 2 so it’s not too long yet). Combine the long hair with the extreme temperatures and we end up washing hair almost every day in the summer just to get rid of the smell of sweat and dirt.
I have a question….any ideas for getting my kids to sit still through family prayers? I’ve pretty much mastered getting the majority of them to sit nicely though Mass (although the 2 year old is still in the nursery most Sundays) but family prayers are another matter. I think it’s because we do prayers at the end of the day when they are tired and they get fidgety. Unfortunately, most nights it’s more than just fidgety — it’s downright annoying and disrespectful and defiant. I ask them to simply SIT STILL in one spot for prayers that usually take no more than 5 minutes. My kids are almost 7, almost 5, almost 3, and 3 weeks. Obviously it’s the older 3 that I’m having a hard time with — and the almost-5-year-old is the most difficult. Any ideas??
Dear Unhappy:
I can relate in some ways to how you feel. Angry, hurt, “not good enough”? Remember that your husband is trying to overcome this, or else he never would have confessed it to you or at confession. But right now he has to earn your trust back and he has to realize that at this point he is not morally strong enough to avoid the temptation when it is near so he has to avoid the situations. For example, if he is viewing this material on the computer he should either stay off the computer or put a filter that only you know the password to. If he is buying magazines or videos he should stay out of the places that he is buying these items at.
Hopefully he will soon realize that if he has this addiction because of something he found that his father had, he could be putting his own sons or daughters in danger of finding HIS things and repeating the circle. Keep praying. I know how hard it can be to forgive someone who has done wrong when it hurts us, as wives, so much. He can overcome this, but it will take a lot of work and help from you and other religious persons.
I have been in your position many times as we are expecting a sixth baby soon. What can I say? THere are so many people who just don’t have prudence with what they say. So they are right-it is HARD work but do we need them to tell us or remind us? We also thought marriage would not be this hard but it is HARD work! Whatever God loves (marriage, family, kids etc…)and the devil hates then it is hard work (most of those things!). So, yes, it is going to be hard work-no lies- things will change but there is so much goodness that comes out of it. such as holiness and becoming saints and getting to heaven. Just focus on that and know it will be hard. Use your time wisely, NOW, to prepare yourself spiritually for your next baby.
God bless.
i can only imagine what you could be going through. what he has is an addiciton and is sinning. all things said, we all sin. yes, what he does is a terrible thing and affects you deeply and initmately too but there are so many others who know how you feel b/c they are going through the same thing.
yes!!! go see some help- why not both of you!~? it is affecting you both, not just him, although he needs the help big time. both of you sound like an awesome couple and he sounds like a great husband and father so he should not have a problem with doing all things possible with seeking help to heal the wounds. if it was me, then if it is the computer he uses to view those things iwth, then i would immediately through the stupid computer out to the dump today. no questions asked. his soul is in need of serious help and i would advise you to help him to the max with anything you can do. some may view that as extreme but isn’t his soul worth it? and your soul? and your children? also, i would never ask my husband to pick up something after work/before work etc…basically not let him out by himself…or always send him with your child so he will not be tempted. face it, you have to be extreme with this-it is so serious. thanks for being honest.
you can count on us to help and pray for you. and you… pray really hard like you have never prayed before. do everything and offer it all up for your husband and your family. God loves a generousl heart.
We are now entering the end of May and are only half finished with school because of a new baby in January, plus illnesses, plus a two-year old who destroys everything in her path, plus a house that could win a “most-cluttered house” prize. Should I just call it quits (except for math and handwriting) this summer and work on cleaning or just keep going through the summer??? I just can’t decide. I have a 3rd grader and 1st grader plus 3 younger ones.
Also, if anyone has used the Sound Beginnings program, do you recommend getting the entire packet ($89) or just the workbook/Cd?
Mary W.
I’ve been down that road….(we now have 7). What helped me was to join a group of moms at our parish for kids play time while we prayed the rosary. That was only once a month. Then I volunteered to work/run the nursery during a daytime bible study that met weekly. My daughter met a lot of kids to play with consistently and I met some moms. I kept this up even after my son was born. This gave us some people to see every week and we hooked up with a few moms/kids that we both hit it off with. Also, we hosted a bi-weekly play date here for awhile.
Maybe try picking one day a few weeks out and inviting (with premade invites) others to join you at a park. Then when you go that day hopefully someone else will be there? (and don’t tell your daughter that day just in case you do end up being the only ones there) We don’t always take the time to go to someone’s house – but most kids enjoy going to the park!
I pray that you can find something similar. Keep trying, it is well worth it.
You also reminded this veteran mom of something….sometimes we get so busy (whether we have 1 or many!) that we forget how much other moms/kids need companionship. I will certainly try harder to make those “play dates” that other moms ask about work out.
Re Family prayer with little kids. Have you considered singing a religious song and having the kids clap along? Our kids are 9, 5, 4, 3 & 22 months. We open prayer with “Hail Holy Queen” and sometimes we “yell” it so BVM can hear us. They (almost) always enjoy that. We then say a Hail Mary, Our Father & Glory Be (sometimes only one of them if they’re nutty.) We end our prayers with a family cheer. Everyone puts their hand in the center and we say “1, 2, 3 Go Smiths!!!” After the cheer with give peace to each other. It promotes moving around and teaches them a way to pray.
Re: Cell phones for kids/teens. I heard this idea from a friend and thought it was a great one — rather than allow a child to have their own personal phone, have a phone (or two) that are family phones. A teen may take one with them if they’re driving or may have a late practice etc. This way no one teen has their own phone number. But it allows for the convenience of access to a phone.
Thank you to so many of you for your advice and input. No matter what the issue in life, I think God gives us constant reminders not to live for others or their opinions, but to live solely for Him. At the end of the day I know I should not be worried about what so and so’s comments were to be, but rather, how did I respond to the intuitions of the Holy Spirit. Thank you, all, for your comments. All of life’s challenges are reminders of how much I need to grow in humility and trust in God.
Hairwashing kids is terrible if they are in such anger and fear. so, I wash my kids hair last. I have them put water on their head, let them play iwth the shampoo and put it in their hair, let them make funny hair shapes, and then after a bit, its my turn…i just pour water on top of their heads. I do it fast, with a big bucket and pour pour pour. its only water. oh well. what else can we do?!?
“this too shall pass” but when?!?!? ha!
Thanks to everyone who responded & for all the generous advice! Any of you live in Connecticut? =)
I really enjoyed reading Midwest Mom’s advice for family prayer. What an awesome idea! My daughter loves to sing. To keep it short & simple will work so well for her & it will help her to learn/memorize the prayers. Kudos to you!
May –
Have been thinking about and praying for you. How are things going this week? I’m hoping you’ve had some “good” moments and that you are well. Peace. ~~~mary
Mom od 4 – I’m so sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages within 6 mos. in 2006. I think of those babies every day. I think it’s been said elsewhere here, but name your babies, and pray to them. Time helps, too.
Dani – where in PA are you?
Thanks to all who posted re: Kolbe. We’re trying to make a decision about our son and kindergarten. Can’t decide whether to keep him at our parish school or homeschool. Kolbe is under consideration if we keep him home. I never dreamed kindergarten decisions could be so difficult! He’s only 5 for goodness’ sake!
Mom of 4,
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. We lost two babies to miscarriage, our first baby and one between our second and third living children. With the first I also had to have a D & C.
One thing I would suggest is to save the baby’s remains (if possible–our doctor and hospital were accomodating though skeptical, but I’m sure others might not be) and have them buried. The Catholic cemeteries in our diocese charge only a nominal fee for a baby plot, and were very helpful and considerate. (The grave stones were expensive, though.)
Even if you don’t have anything to bury, I’d suggest having a memorial Mass. For both of our babies we had a Mass of the Angels for just our immediate families (siblings, parents, grandparents), with the burials right afterwards. It was a wonderful way to grieve with our families and helped us remember that we were truly celebrating a life.
One other thing–both times many people who are close to us, including sincere Catholics, told us things like, “Well, we all have to accept God’s will.” These people have deep faith and meant nothing but comfort, but if you hear comments like this, please, please remember that it was not God’s will for your baby to die. Certainly He allows such things to happen and we live in a fallen world, but He created that little soul for you and your family to love, and how He must share in your grief and sorrow that you will not have an opportunity to know him or her!
Both times it took me a while to recover–longer emotionally than physically. Right afterward I’d go through a period of about two weeks where I wanted to tell anyone and everyone what had happened; then for about 4 months after that I absolutely could not talk about it to anyone except my husband. I’m sure that everyone grieves differently, so please just give yourself as much time as you need. Cry when you want to, be cheerful when you want to, surround yourself with family and friends if it helps, take some time alone if you need it.
I was very surprised to find out that many, many of my acquaintances had also experienced miscarriages, including families with a lot of children–it seems to be something that is fairly common but rarely talked about–I’m not sure why.
You will be in my prayers today, and as you pray for your baby, your baby will be praying for you.
Re: exercise, I have an 11-month-old, so I recently found myself in a similar situation–the baby was too old for me to keep passing the extra pounds off as baby weight, but with a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old as well, I found it hard to set aside a rountine time each day to exercise.
There are gyms in our area that offer free child care while you work out, but I’m just not motivated enought to pile everyone into the van and go somewhere to work out.
Finally a couple of weeks ago, I decided to work out for 1/2 hour EVERY DAY, no matter what. On weekends or when my husband is home, he watches the kids and I go running (okay, it’s really a very, very slow jog) in our neighborhood. But most days I just do some stretching, lunges and squats, and pushups (usually while laughing with the baby, who sees me on the ground and assumes I’m there to play with him) . . . or I have the kids put on one of their favorite CDs, and we all run around the house together.
I’ve had to get creative, but it’s been worth it! I feel more energetic, and even though I’ve only gone down a couple of ticks on the scale, my clothes fit much better.
To Mary expecting her second baby and dealing with comments, I loved your feedback 🙂
I’ve noticed many times something that seems a little contradictory to me – we mothers badly need to exchange views with other mothers (that’s also why we all are here 😉 ), but at the same time we rush to judge whatever has been said to us that we don’t agree with. I myself very often forget that a mother’s experience is very much her own, and I like making general statements out of something that is just my own story.
For many mothers there are very good reasons why it is such a shock to go from one child to two – maybe they get pregnant right away, for instance, and they find themselves with a newborn and a “big” brother or sister who still doesn’t walk or who doesn’t want to give up nursing. Or maybe their second baby asks for more care than the mom expected. Or their firstborn is not too thrilled about having a brother or a sister, and gives mom a hard time.
Just because these mothers issue “warnings” about life with two, it doesn’t mean they don’t love their children or they don’t want anymore so they can be labeled “not open to life”. They’re probably just venting a little, or maybe actually bragging a little (Look at me, I can survive my two terrible children! 🙂 ), or maybe even feeling a little sorry for themselves, but who doesn’t every now and then?
Of course sometimes we do know that some people are just saying mean things, but that is their problem, and we should try not to lose our peace.
Mary ~ On the comments that people make about 2 or more children… I dont’ think there’s much you can do, but expect them. There’s no getting away from it. But I’ve learned to answer kindly, patiently, and honestly (though it’s so tempting to be snide right back sometimes!). Many people truly do not understand the blessings bestowed on big families. You’ll bless yourself and them by being charitable.
I agree that having #1 was the biggest adjustment, followed by adding the second child. And, honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d actually make it out alive along about the time I had three in diapers, four under the age of 6 or so. But, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! &:o)
Also, we Catholic Moms do have to stick together. Stay connected with like-minded families ~ on the internet, if nowhere else! Stay close to the Blessed Mother, seek solace in the Blessed Sacrament. Get time to yourself whenever you can, and try to stay as healthy as you can. This is important to your peace of mind, and your family’s. And, believe me. You will reap multiple benefits on earth and in heaven. I have 10 on earth now, and wouldn’t trade those first challenging years for anything. My grown up (ages 12-20) children are a source of incredible help and consolation, and the most awesome mentors to their little brothers and sisters. It is so worth the work early on. There are many blessings when they’re still small, but the big benefits really come later!
cell phones:
I agree with Midwest mom about a family cell phone. My oldest is only 11 so cell phones are not an issue. I think it is absolutely unneccessary for a child/preteen to own a cell phone. Maybe a driving and working teen. If my children want to chat on the phone they don’t need a cell. We have a landline phone for calls. If they will be out somewhere and not within range of a phone to make a call then I would give them one of the family phones only to be used to contact a parent if necessary.
I have heard so much negative things about text messaging. What is the point of text messaging? Isn’t more pleasant to have a conversation over the phone? Sounds like a waste of money. It is sad when we give in to new technological advances even when they serve no useful purpose and can actually degrade family life.
Just because something exists like, cell phones, text messaging, instant messaging, ipods video games, it doesn’t mean we need to buy into it.
Thank you so very much ladies for your prayers and encouragement. I do know that miscarriage is something far more common but something not really talked about. It is encouraging as well to learn that many of you had other children after the miscarriage, as that is something that we desire. Blessings to all of you and thank you so very much for the prayers.
To Mom of 4
(really heroic mom of 5!)
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Do you have a close or friendly relationship with a parish priest? Call him today! There is a beautiful funeral service available for the children who died in miscarriages. You can plan it right now, even though the baby’s body may be lost through the D & C. There are pictures on my website of the funeral that we had for the son I lost in a miscarriage at 12 weeks. (click on the miscarriage label).
I can’t tell you what a complete mess I was in the weeks after the miscarriage and how absolutely critical planning his funeral Mass was for the recovery of not just me, but also my husband and our older children. As hard and emotional as it was to pick up the phone and call the priest, all the graces that carried me through the recovery process came from that one act of corporal mercy, burying the dead.
The Catholic Church is the one place where I found complete acceptance of the heart-break of my loss and the firm hope necessary to try again in a mere ten weeks for another pregnancy. (My youngest celebrates her first birthday this feast of the visitation.) You also can not imagine how meaningful it is for our priest to celebrate a dignified funeral for a child lost to miscarriage. The priests have their hearts broken every day by the terrible sin of abortion. To watch a Catholic family fully mourn the loss of young life is a sign during this awful time.
Again, what ever you decide, please do not feel alone. So many women are praying for you. Our Blessed Mother feels your loss in a special way. Lean on her.
If you would like to chat now or anytime in the future (I know that miscarriages can lead to some pretty sleepless nights,) please email me through my website.
Your sister in Christ,
Abby
Thank you ladies for your responses. I have thought about throwing out the computer – but dh works with and is on the internet at work – thankfully they have installed something to keep an eye on that sort of thing at work now so it is no longer a temptation. I always try to help him – I think something like a filter would work for us rather than throwing the “baby out with the bath water”. It is just so helpful to know that I am not the only one going thru this. I feel so alone and not able to talk to anyone about it other than dh. And sometimes the things I want to say to him are not very nice! Again, thanks for all the prayers and support… it helps more than you know! I know that we can get thru this because we have each other, the church – and most importantly our Lord. God Bless you all!
Please keep my parents in your prayers. My mom just told me that she wants my dad to move out after 40 years of marriage. She is feeling a lot of things and I don’t think she really means it, but I have noticed they don’t communicate well anymore.
My mom and dad are both wonderful people, and I always admired their marriage. Please just pray for them, if you can.
Thank you.
Cell phones:
When my kids began driving I got them cell phones with the minimum plan. Anything beyond the minimum they had to pay for. That pretty much helped with the budgeting minutes and personal responsibility. I wanted them to have a phone so that there would always be a way for them to call me if they needed help or had a flat, etc. I stressed that I would rather get a phone call letting me know they were okay and would be a little late rather than worry about where they were and if they were okay.
My boss, however, has a great idea. He keeps the cell phones for his children downstairs in his office in their respective chargers after a certain period of time at night. That prevents late night chatter and texting. The children are not allowed to take them to school unless they have special permission. This seems to work well for his family.
Dear Mom of 4, We had the Mass of the Angels said 3 months after my D&C, a very simple private Mass, with some good friends in attendance, and with my mom and my oldest daughter doing the readings. Afterwards we had everyone over for pizza at the house. It was lovely and healing and now it gives me a date to remember and to mark for the baby lost. Also, you might find some comfort through Elizabeth Ministry (http://www.elizabethministry.com). Danielle has a link–or used to on her old website. They are such a great resource for many of the life issues we face as Catholic moms in addition to pregnancy and birth: miscarriage, infertility, stillbirth, special-needs babies, adoption, death of a child, or a crisis pregnancy. God bless and keep you.
re: hair washing… I just wash their hair after the bath. Wrapped in a towel, the child lays on the bathroom counter and I wash and then rinse with a cup in the sink, even very long hair. They can watch in the mirror or look into my eyes or close their eyes if they wish. I haven’t had any struggling this way.
Amberly: Leave your options open for staying at home if you change your mind after the baby is born. Also Couple to Couple League has a great brochure entitled: The First 3 Years , that addresses your concerns really well. Our prayers are with your family, remember, all the people you are helping at your parish are not as important as your immediate family…God bless.
Because of my husband’s business, our whole family can go under his cell phone plan so that we all have unlimited calls and texting. And you know what? Nobody overuses it. Once it’s just another form of communication, it’s just like a regular phone – use it when you have to and none of my kids think that calling or texting is some kind of extra “thrill”.
Since mine are not homeschooled, it’s very much a matter of safety. I know where they are every minute when they’re not at home. And I don’t have these kinds of problems, but some mothers I know do: they ask – or text – their kids “where did you say you are?” and if there’s any question….then “snap a phone pic of Johnny’s mom, next to a clock, send it to me and I’ll know you’re at his house”. Instant problem-solver. Life is different when they’re 16, 17, 18… If the bus breaks down or there’s a cancellation of something, I know immediately.
As for texting, once you start to do it, you almost never use the phone (which I hate; real conversation should take place face to face when possible). It’s much more efficient; you don’t have to have a conversation when one isn’t necessary and I find it saves a tremendous amount of time. “Running 10 minutes late”, “what pages for science homework again?”, or “don’t forget to bring….”,whatever. You can text in noisy places, where you normally can’t hear well, like a train station. I was away for a weekend and I sent video text of myself showing my husband where I was and how much I missed him; he loves it! I text all the time. It’s a good, handy tool.
LOL Danielle… I hadn’t had my coffee yet either!
🙂
My only reply to the cell phone question for a teenager (or for any child) is NO. I have 11 children. Four have graduated from high school and are out of the house. We homeschool, we pray the family rosary, we have great relationships with our kids(most of the time, lets be realistic) and I still say NO,emphatically! They are a great tool, but just to much of a temptation for teenagers especially. We’ve done all the things everyone has talked about but I definitely have better things to do with my time than monitor cell phone usage. Trust me on this one.
To GB @ 3:06 I think you really said something important. We do not always know where others are coming from and why they say what they say. If I got pregnant again my extended family would be gravely worried because I was disabled for a year after the birth of my last child. I wouldn’t feel bad for them expressing concern as I would be equally concerned.
To keeping the faith @ 9:42 AM. It sounds like you really could use some fellowship with other moms. I hear often here that moms do not have connections with other Catholic moms outside the internet. I think it is important to have those connections in person in our everyday life.
It has taken my husband and I a long time to build community in our life. You mentioned that 95% of the families near you send their kids to public school, both work full time and have only 2 kids. I have to be honest and say that for me that doesn’t necessary mean that they are not living life affirming, counter cultural lives. Perhaps there are other specific things that you noticed that you did not mention. What I mean is we are surrounded by devout families at church who are a mix of all of those, some homeschool, some public school, some both work full time, some have 1 child, some have children in the double digits, some the mom stays home full time, some the dad stay home full time (etc). I know for some families counter cultural means homeschooling 8 kids, for others God calls them in different ways. You can be open to life and have only 1 child. As far as I know the church does not define open to life as having a certain number of children. Of course a couple needs to seriously pray and discern this decision.
Anyway, some of the things that we do:
Couples group: we meet once every 6 weeks or so the host couple picks a topic related to family/marriage, comes up with a scripture verse and questions for discussion. We have done everything from conflict resolution to Theology of the Body. The group started with a couple mailing out a letter to other couples and inviting them. We’ve been meeting for 10 yrs and spiritually is has really helped us to grow and live the life that God wants.
Moms group: start one at your parish. I”m sure there are other moms like you out there. Even if it is just a meet at the playground group, it is a start.
Book study: pick a book study and get together once a month with other moms and challenge each other and help each other grow spiritually.
Families: get connected with other families at your parish, have someone over for dinner.
And of course our daily prayer life for ourselves and family is vital. God bless you as you seek to live in His will.
To unhappy:
I too had an porn addiction for a while. My therapist told me it stemmed from my childhood sexual abuse. You said that your husband was exposed to porn maganzines at an early age. Being exposed to porn at 11 or 12 is considered sexual abuse. Does your husband see a therapist? He may want to consider it. A good book for him to read would be “The Wounded Heart: Hope for Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse” by Dan Allender. This book has helped me understand a lot about myself. It was recommended to me by my Catholic therapist. We go through the book chapter by chapter and it has been very eye opening and healing for me. Childhood sexual abuse is much more common than we care to think about. This book deals with it in a very candid and at the same time, spiritual way. I will pray for your husband’s healing as well as yours.
Carolyn A,
we’re in York.
Cecilia:
I too have a 15 year old. These are our rules. First of all block all internet on the phone. Don’t allow any pictures to be transmitted through text messaging. You can do this easily by calling your cell phone provider. Keep a constant watch on those minutes. LImits, limits limits is our rule. For safety reasons I allow my son to bring his cell phone to school. HE turns it off when he gets to school and when he leaves it goes on again. (He takes public transportation to and from school) I want to know where he is at all times, so he has to have his phone with him all the time.
My oldest two children have cell phones because they walk to school by themselves. It is a great tool to have for both me and them. We have a family plan with Verizon which is great. As for texting, I’m getting into it, but unfortunately I don’t have a blackberry like phone which makes it easy. I wouldn’t hold out for philosophical reasons not to have a cell phone. It just doesn’t make any sense to me to fight technology. I caused my parents a lot of unnecessary grief as a teen by not letting them know where I was (remember the old “I didn’t have a dime to make the phone call!). I like to be in touch with my kids. As for their texting, well, I used to spend hours writing notes to my friends in high school. As much as things change, as much as they stay the same.
To the Mom who lost her precious baby,
I am SO sorry for your loss. I have lost three children-two to miscarriage and one to a stillbirth. My heart aches for you…you are a mother to FIVE…my best encouragement to you is that you can have the most beautiful relationship imaginable with your baby in Heaven…all is not lost! I KNOW my babies in Heaven and talk to them all the time!!! The pain is horrible to lose a baby, but while “time” isn’t what heals all things, God does. You will NEVER forget your precious baby (not that you would want to!), but the pain does subside and eventually the faith you have in the Communion of Saints turns the pain into such joy. Whenever my family is in the presence of the Eucharist we feel such joy in knowing we are all together-all with the same Jesus….I know the pain of still experiencing pregnancy symtoms and all of the reminders of the life that was just alive in you….When my milk came in after my stillbirth I almost feared what I would do when “all” of me knew my Meredith was gone.Yet as I embraced the grief and allowed Jesus to love me in the pain, I came to slowly come alive again and rejoice with her for where she was and ask her to help me to have a relationship with her-and she did! The fatigue and pains and agony of loss are all reminders of what a beautiful gift of life you have given-you are a vessel that God has allowed to be used to bring us a new saint in Heaven. I will pray for you and ask my babies-Meredith, Juliana and Max to help welcome your preciousbaby to Heaven.
PS-Just to let you know (because this was a fear of mine) I have 5 other living chidren,three of which have followed our losses. If I can do anything to offer you any support at all, please say so. I would do anything to help another family through what we have lived as well.
Adele
Hi Everyone –
I know that this is very silly in light of all the serious and wonderful stuff that gets talked about during coffee talk but I have a really silly and weird question. I buy eggs from the farmer’s market and these eggs along with any other organic, free range eggs I have tried leave the weirdest smell on my plates and glasses unless left to soak in vinegar for a LONG time. THe smell makes pregnant me want to, well…lose my breakfast. Is this my Los Angeles water or are we just the weird people who notice it and it bothers? My husband smells it too and it grosses him out as well.
Well I’m a little less melancholy now even though, yes, my friend Margie passed away today. Margie lost an unimaginable 6 children before carrying to term (while her twin struggled with infertility.) It was her house/preschool I ran to when I found out I was losing my first. My mom worked there and I knew I’d have 2 strong, prayerful shoulders to cry on.
Then I only knew the shell of her story. When I made my Cursillo she was on team and shared the whole thing. I saw Jesus right behind her the whole time she talked and that is how she lived her life. Like her friend Jesus had his arm around her enjoying every joke and holding her up. She, by then had a lovely family who willingly shared her when she was on team–which was often. Today she’s holding those babies herself!
And what did she teach me in Cursillo? There is plenty of community in the Catholic church. It happens when we let Christ in us reach out to others.
Last weekend there were 26 Cursillos going on with tens of thousands sacrificing and praying for all those on Cursillo— and all those being called to one.
They are internationally known. For community, it is the best.
Cursillo! now that’s a blast from the past. My parents did it 30 years ago…at that time I was more self-involved than I am now, but I think it was a good experience for them. How can I find out if they have it near us? My husband is not Catholic (Methodist)–can he participate? I remember so many good people from that time.
Another blast from the past…my family was involved in CFM (the Christian Family Movement) maybe 40 years ago…it was wonderful, we had the greatest picnics for the families! Those families are still some of my parents’ closest friends and some of us kids are friends too. Has anyone heard of this or know anything about it? I know some of the founders of LLL were involved in it as well.
To Adele-
Thank you so very much for stating that you had additional children. It is good to know that I am not the only one facing the fear of not having additional babies after experiencing a miscarriage. It truly makes you realize how precious life is and what a gift it is.
Dani –
I’m in Dover.
Dani –
We’re in the Hershey area, having moved here from Pittsburgh 13 years ago. I’ve found that people here are not nearly as friendly as in Pittsburgh. It has taken us a LONG time to meet and make friends, mostly through our parish.
My experience sounds very similar to yours. I have a preschooler and an infant, and have not readily had like-minded moms nearby to do things with.
There are lots of active Catholic homeschool groups in the area, but in the preschool years, I haven’t been able to connect with them too well.
Dani –
Just realized that I could have said more.
Our parish in IHM in Abbottstown. I’m physically limited, so I’m not a good contact; however, I have to tell you that more than one tranplant to our area has noted that it is a very difficult area in which to be a “newbie.”
That said, I am thinking that I may know a mom or two feeling the way you do who would probably love to make contact – one in Spring Grove comes to the forefront of my mind immediately.
If you are interested, plz ask Danielle for my e-mail address or leave a comment on my blog. Peace. ~~~mary
Oops –
Didn’t change back from when I asked may a question. Sorry.