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June 17th, 2008 Coffee Talk Tuesday129 comments to Coffee Talk TuesdayLeave a Reply |
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With all this discussion about whether to allow pre-teen girls to shave, what do you ladies think about beginning shaving for a young teen who doesn’t want to conform to the societal norm? She has never been concerned about her peers’ perception of her (a problem in other areas of life) but her older brother is bothered by the comments others make. I shave only as much of my lags as will be visible, which means I’m fuzzy most of the winter. I’d like to make the same suggestion to her, but guess that that would lead to her wearing only pants and sleeved shirts, which is not a pleasant option with the beginning of summer upon us. Should she be encouraged to shave her legs and arm pits?
I’m a lurker here, but thought I would chime in
Sandi – same problem here with our 6 year old daughter. A friend recently gave us a suggestion and it works well for everyone in our family. Our kids earn poker chips for certain things (you decide what is poker chip material – for us, it’s no fighting for a certain period of time, polite behavior when out in stores, good behavior in Mass, etc). The kids earn chips that they can then spend on “rewards” (again – depending on what is important to your kids – our kids can buy dessert, a 1/2 hour of TV time, etc). If they want to save their chips for a big reward (maybe a small toy), they can also do that. The kids like to compete to see who can get the most chips (albeit, not a good side effect), but it does encourage them to be good. After a while (a couple of weeks of allowing them to see how much fun it is to buy rewards), you can start making them pay YOU a poker chip for bad behavior (the key there is that you don’t take the chip away, they pay you – no difference to you, but to her, it’s an important distinction because now she is choosing to pay for her bad behavior, not necessarily being “punished” for it). Even the mere mention of “poker chip” in our house is enough to calm the kids down most times.
Good luck! It’s amazing how frustrating a 6 year old can be, huh? I consider it a breaking in period for the teenage years!
Does anyone have any experience starting a private school? My sister-in-law both homeschool and are considering starting a small Catholic school in our town. There is no other Catholic school.
Sorry Sandy – I spelled your name wrong in my last post. That’s what happens when you are carrying on a conversation with a 4 year old about “why it’s Tuesday today” while typing!
I have a question about arguing. Actually about husband and wife arguing. Do you think spousal arguing/fighting should be done privately, not in front of the children, or should a couple fight out in the open. My sister and I were discussing this. She thinks children learn how to fight appropriately, compromise and make up if parents fight in front of them. She also feels this will help them with their future spouses. My darling husband will not even have a discussion in front of our children. He thinks that it is inappropriate. I am wondering though if we are hurting our children by not teaching them the appropriate way to communicate with a spouse even while arguing. Just a disclaimer: I don’t mean arguing/fighting using hurtful words, name calling, etc… We don’t fight like that and I think that would be inappropriate in front of children.
Hi Pam,
I feel VERY strongly about no marital arguments in front of the kids, mostly because of my own childhood. My parents always thought like your sister did, and for a while I guess it was okay. However, it always made my sister and I extremely uncomfortable when they would argue in front of us. As we got older, arguing turned to my mother feeling comfortable picking on my dad in front of us, which had a bad effect on my relationship with my mom (wanting to stick up for my dad) and my sister’s relationship with my dad (feeling free to disrespect him).
My husband and I don’t frequently argue, and we would never ever disrespect the other (especially around the children or anyone outside the family!), but I feel strongly that children need to see how their parents work together amicably and have a loving and respectful partnership. Children get very confused and scared when their parents “fight”, and even small arguments can get blown out of proportion in kids’ heads. Especially these days, when they see so many of their peers losing parents to divorce!
Amy, MEV, I answered your question last week, but maybe it got lost in all those words?! Yes, I have experience with opening a small school and a few things matter, very much.
Very basically, if you’re thinking about opening a successful school the questions to ask are: do you have enough students within a commutable distance from your location that will attend your school? Will their parents trust you with their education? And, will they be willing to pay for it?
Although I wasn’t directly involved in the founding of the school, I was a supporter and contributor from the beginning, and still am. I got to see from an inside perspective how students and money were the most important things, because if you don’t have them, you won’t have a school.
How much money? It depends on where you are located, but if you figure in all the things that are involved, it will probably be a lot more than you’d imagine. In my area, it just wouldn’t be possible for under half a million. Insurance, rent or buying land/construction, and, especially for Catholics who seriously take into consideration the Catholic social teaching idea of a living wage, payroll (and benefits) turn out to be very large amounts. Tuition can only pay for a partial amount of these things so you will also need benefactors and the much-hated fundraising.
I guess I’d have to know more about what kind of school you’d like to open to answer any other questions. What grades will it be for? Co-ed? Will the sexes be separated ever, or at a certain grade? Do you have a location in mind? What kind of amenities are available for the students e.g. do you have a sports field of some kind or perhaps a gym? A cafeteria? You can do these things in a simplified manner, like have a multi-function “specials” room, but it all has to be planned out. If yours is to be a Catholic school, can you get the approval of the archdiocese (which can go a very long way into putting parents’ minds at ease about sending their kids there)? If not, how will you get a priest to come and offer mass or teach at the school? Tell me more about what you envision and I can tell you what I know.
Michelle,
I hope I didn’t come off as saying that anyone should medicate at such a young age for ADD.I was just offering that some of the suggestions for kids with ADD might work. You are right that some kids just go through these phases .
Shaving: I consider this part of being “clean and neat” in appearance. I’m not overly-concerned about how *other* people view me, and my children, but there is something about looking presentable and well-groomed that is important to being a member of society….whether you *like* it or not. Brushing teeth and hair, washing body, nails and face are just part of healthy grooming. My daughter decided she needed to shave at age 11…..(when her cycles began)
Fourth grade class: my class especially loved working with clay/playdough to make 3-D maps. Some of the kids made small working models of volcanoes…..Anything with creating a small scale map, church or model of historical life was also a big hit. If you have access to a video camera, sometimes we would have book reports taped like news. The kids would work pretty hard to know their info since the rest of the class would be watching. The shy kids got to be “behind the scenes” props, notes on posters etc….
K to 4th is a pretty big jump, but it also frees you up from tying 18 pairs of shoes and zipping up backpacks each day…..
Mom and Dad arguing/discussing: This is a tough one. I came from a family where there was NO out-loud talking or problem solving to be heard. If Mom and Dad had a disagreement, there was icy silence, followed by Mom walking up the stairs to her room, locking the door–Dad left in the truck to go to town for several hours. I never did witness the resolution.
They divorced after 15 years of marriage.
My husband’s parents used to scream and yell and LOUDLY argue in front of him and his siblings. They STILL yell and argue in front of family and have been married for 48 years….although I do not know if they are *happy*…..
In our seventeen years of marriage, my husband and I have to *cool down* for a while before we discuss things…..big grown-up topics money matters or serious disagreements about child discipline should not be discussed in front of the children in my opinion. Because I think it is my duty as a parent to help the children feel comfortable and safe that their father, my husband, and I will always work things out—- we love each other and want to do what is best. When we have a huge problem to overcome, I like to talk to him directly and privately without worrying about someone little hearing our tone and being concerned that we are “fighting”.
But along with this kind of discussion, I think it is healthy for the kids to see us disagree, and then come to a resolution or compromise together when it is about small differences of opinion. We also label it that way. “Daddy and Mommy are a little upset right now and we are trying to solve this problem, we might be mad at each other right now, but we still love each other, and this is how families work things out.”
Hope this helps a little
Wow, I’ve never thought so much about body hair as I have today. I’m lucky in that my hair is light, so most people never even noticed it. When I was about 12 I started shaving with an electric razor — maybe that could be the way to go with your daughter. When I got older I decided to try a regular razor and I just loved it! I have to admit that I love my smooth legs after I shave. I don’t care if anyone else notices or likes it or whatever — I do and that’s all that matters!
Re: Fighting or arguing in front of your kids: Seems to me there will always be ways to teach your kids how to argue, starting with their relationships with siblings or friends. Speaking from experience, I was always terrified my parents were going to divorce whenever they argued in front of me. And the times when DH and I have forgotten (or didn’t realize our daughter was old enough to understand yet) and raised our voices in front of her, our daughter would get upset and tell us to stop. We did. Now we discuss things after the kids are in bed.
Marcella,
Just wanted to let you know that I stopped coloring my hair just last year (when I was 30). I’d started going gray when I was about 16, and from my early 20s on colored it as soon as my roots started showing. When I was 29 my husband convinced me to grow it out–I think he was just morbidly curious!
Anyway, it took about a year of short cuts to completely get rid of all the dye, but now I’ve had it grown out for about a year, and I love it! It’s about 50% silver, and the rest is still dark brown. It’s great to not have to color it every 6 weeks or so, and it looks a lot more natural than the dyes ever did (I guess that would be obvious, huh!).
I will say that it takes a tad more daily maintenance, just because my grays get frizzy so easily! I usually just comb in some leave-in conditioner, even if I’m pulling it into a ponytail. I also mix this blue shampoo stuff in with my regular shampoo, because if I don’t the gray ends turn yellowish while the gray tops are still silver, and it looks really strange.
Ever since, I’ve been looking around for younger women with gray hair, but there are so few! I’d love to hear if there’s anyone else out there of any age who likes her gray hair!
Soo…just how important is socialization for a 2 1/2 yr old? I don’t have my own car but I can borrow my mom’s once a week for story time…which my daughter doesn’t enjoy very much and we always pick up a cold…which is particularly not good because I have a 4 month old with other health problems. I’m feeling like ‘is this really important for me to go? is she getting anything out of this?’ i had hoped to find friends for her but there aren’t any other little girls her age (most are 3 or over, or babies). is her growing sister going to be enough? or should i keep at it? starting a playgrou p at church doesn’t seem like an option either because i tried that already six months ago and out of my three responses, two have already goen back to work! this is a big problem in general — it seems like the only sahms around ehre are devout mormons who really only want to hang out with other devout mormons or people interesting in becoming mormon.
i might have the opportunity to watch a 1 yr old when her mom goes back to work…i wasn’t that excited about the prospect, but should i see it as an opportunity for dd to have a friend? will she get much out of having a one year old around? or does she need friends her own age?
frustration!
Shaving legs ~ We do let our 12 y.o. shave her legs. For the same reason we encourage our 14 y.o. to shave his shaggy chin. It does look neater and more well-kept. It is also a social convention, but not one that bothers me, I gotta say. Just think ~ we could live in the Thai Longneck society (Check this out: http://www.trekearth.com/gallery/Asia/Thailand/photo896982.htm)… It could be lots worse! Anyway, it’s part of being feminine here in our western (at least American) world and it’s good to encourage our daughters to be feminine! Certainly not a hill to die on, I don’t think. It’s hard sometimes to see our children grow up before we’re ready for it, but it’s better to promote something like this as a mother/daughter bonding experience, than something divisive.
6 y.o. with a mind of her own & squabbling siblings ~ It might help to study and learn your children’s temperaments to know how best to handle and encourage better behavior. This has been a tremendous help to us! Florence Littauer is a great resource, very readable, very thorough and has written several books on the subject. Try looking here: http://books.google.com/books?as_auth=Florence+Littauer&sa=X&oi=print&ct=title&cad=author-navigational&hl=en
Arguing Spouses ~ While I think it’s a very bad thing for children to witness knock-down-drag out “disagreements” between their parents, I think it’s also useful for them to understand how to properly resolve conflict. Our kids know when my husband and I aren’t on the same page, whether we try to hide it or not. Kids are smart that way. But, we’ve not shied away from letting them seen how we solve our disagreements, too. This can be healthy if you do it right. If you are both in control of your emotions.
Hi ladies. I have a prayer request this morning. My H and I just found out we are expecting our third. Our first two are 16mo apart, and we are estimating #2 and 3 will be roughly 14mo apart – ie 3kids under 2.5! :} I very excited, but very nervous about being “THAT” Catholic mom with a bunch of kids (who will all be in the toddler/terrible twos stage together!). Please pray for the health of our new child! I worry so much about miscarriage. But also pray I have the grace and strength to deal with the kids, and the comments from everyone (which I really dread).
Thanks!
Here’s something to think about regarding shaving, grooming habits and general appearances of girls and teenagers. I grew up in a family of four girls. My mother was an Ivy League graduate and a champion field hockey player and swimmer. She eschewed makeup and feminine clothes because she believed that none of those things mattered. What mattered to her was your brain and your physical prowess. So my sisters and I were left to our own devises when it came to makeup, fashion and grooming. (Only one out of the four of us became a good athlete, the other three must have inherited our dad’s genes). We used to go to the mall and spend hours at the makeup counter. We poured over magazines like Seventeen and Young Miss. If she had only spent a little time with us learning about makeup, teaching us how to apply the stuff and recognizing that this is what we needed at the time, I think we would have avoided looking like clowns for most of our teenage years. It’s like the father who can only relate to a son that is an athlete, it’s a hard way to grow up if you don’t fit the mold. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother very much, but she had a blind spot when it came to being feminine.
Socializing a 2 year old? Don’t worry about it. My children have had very little interaction with other kids (until there cousins moved to town!) and it didn’t hurt them one bit. Aside from being those crazy Catholic homeschooled kids, they’re perfectly normal. :-0
RE: School
We live in a VERY small town. There are 8 kids (so far) between our two families, and one family with three kids who has shown interest in our way of educating our children. It would be a small school, and we believe our local parish would allow us to use the church facilities. We are thinking our only cost would be curriculum and supplies.
Our focus is to provide children in our town with a solid Catholic education, which is greatly lacking. We may run into issues with the bishop, as he is not orthodox. We certainly hope to have his approval, and plan on figuring out a game plan to obtain it before we approach him.
We have several degreed, accredited teachers in our family, willing to teach for free (myself, retired parents). As well as non-accredited parents willing to take on electives, bookkeeping, meals, etc.
I have looked for online resources, such as a “how-to” guide, but have fond nothing.
Thanks for your input!
Wow, a lot of discussion about body hair today LOL! I started shaving as soon as I started getting underarm hair. I think I was about 11. My daughters were allowed to shave as soon as they asked. The older one is more hairy than the younger one, so she started much earlier than her sister. I say, if it bothers them, let them shave. Regarding the teen who does not like to shave, I would lay down the law about underarm hair. That is gross and smelly. It’s a hygiene issue. Let her have hairy legs, they are her legs. She may change her mind in a few years.
I had to throw in this innocuous comment…
I think the ads that have been showing up on your site are really funny! They always have “L.L. Bean” and “The Bean”, which is some sort of exercise thing that I didn’t know existed. Guess you know what kind of shape I’m in!
Diane, I have an aunt that is a nun and I have given her stamps and boxed set of greeting cards as a Christmas gift. She doesn’t need “stuff” but can alway use stamps and cards. I have recieved wrapping paper as a gift as well and have appreciated it. Another idea would be a rosary. I have made rosaries with each bead a birthstone representing a child, spouse, anniversary and/or grandchildren and a sheet printed up stating who each bead is for. It is a very colorful rosary and very beautiful. Someone told me it made her feel as if she were holding her family in her hands. Maybe there is someone in your area that makes them as well. If you would like more information maybe Danielle could give you my e-mail address. Good luck it is always a challenge to come up with a nice and useful gift.
God Bless all the people affected by the terrible storms and flooding across the US.
SH
RE: SYLVAN
We had a very good experience with Sylvan here in Knoxville. My middle daughter was with them for a year and a half and is now at or above “grade level” in her work whereas before taking her to Sylvan she was 2 grade levels below her actual grade in all of her subjects.
I think the main benefits that we noticed by enrolling Gen in Sylvan were that they supplemented what we were doing at home, they targeted areas where she needed help, they added new information as she demonstrated understanding of the concepts with which she was working, and her progress was acknowledged by the staff in concrete ways.
We attempted getting assistance from the local public schools (considering those services are free), but the process was taking such a long time and the school psychologist who was doing the testing was way behind on his cases and it was going to be months before he could talk with us, so we bit the bullet and went with Sylvan. Basically what Sylvan does is help kids with learning disabilities improve their work just like the public schools do without the administrative hassles, the turnover of public school staff and the delays that result, and they provide constructive ongoing advice on how you as a parent can assist your child to continue to make progress. There were other issues we had with turning to the public schools in the neighborhood where we live, so that was also a deciding factor.
I know Seton offers similar assistance for students enrolled in their program who are struggling, but honestly I preferred having someone else to do the supplemental work with my daughter because we had been struggling for a long time and I was tired. Getting the outside help was really the boost we needed.
Good luck to you and I wish you and your family the best whatever you decide to do.
lp,
I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and that grey is beautiful! My mother turned grey in her 30s, my older brother when he was 14, my younger brother and older sister when they were in their early 20s. I started noticing grey hair when I was about 25. I think most people must grey early, they just cover it up. My mother, who never dyed her hair, tells me that I need to! But my husband, bless his heart, tells me I’d better not. I’m more au natural, so I don’t have a problem leaving it natural. If more women made this choice, we wouldn’t feel so alone. I LOVE my grey hair, my postpartum body, and I don’t wear make-up (except a little bit for a special occasion) and I will never dye my hair — I love the natural beauty (and no, I’m not a hippie!). Thankfully so does my husband! For me, I make sure I am bathed, and have a tidy appearance, but I also feel strongly about not spending too much time and money on superfulous things, like pedicures/manicures, make-up, expensive clothes/shoes, etc. Not dying my hair fits with this philosophy and general “simple” way of living.
I’m here, I’m here, a fellow grey mama!
Happy day!
Diane,
I have a question. We are expecting our second baby and I’m just starting to grow out of my regular clothes. I began looking through my closet and realized that I’m fine on bottoms (2 pairs of capris) but need tops and dressy stuff for Mass, ect. Because, God willing, we’ll have many more children, I’d like to find clothes that are going to last and that are feminine and flattering. I have a couple of tops that either make me look like a giant flower (I really dislike the whole print fad) or that are really only good for wearing around the house. We are also on a budget and after doing a quick internet search found that most of the “quality” places are fairly expensive. Do you have any recommendations on a good place to look for maternity clothes?
CMerie,
Not sure where you’re located, but I LOVE Kohl’s! They have great sales and if you frequent their clearance racks you can get some really good bargains! You might check their website http://www.kohls.com and get a taste of what they carry. Good Luck!
OK, Amy, MEV that helps to know! A couple of things to think about: make sure that your location is a sure thing. Here’s where it can get politically tricky: if the bishop doesn’t want your school around, for whatever reason, he can make things difficult for you. Like “all of a sudden”, your paster won’t allow the school to be there. I know of this exact scenario at another school we looked at, to learn from. In this case, the bishop decided he didn’t want private competition & he thought the private school would take away from his diocesan schools, so the church wasn’t allowed to host the school anymore. So, you are wise to try and make nice with your bishop!
Your school sounds like it will start out a bit more informally, but what is very important in that situation is that no one – no teacher or parent – treats the school as anything less than a “real” school. Meaning, you have to come up with a teacher handbook and a student handbook. You have to have a centralized head of the school, for decision-making. I can give you a hundred examples of why this is so important, but I won’t drag you through it; trust me: pick one headmaster/principal who has authority on a daily basis and a board of trustees who have meetings about operations and oversee the headmaster. Or else you will have a free-for-all with parents deciding your school is doing things too lax or too tough or too rad-trad or too heterodox or…you get the idea.
Also, think carefully about not only your curriculum, but the grades of the kids and the abilities of the kids. Can you figure out a way to have accelerated study for some and additional tutoring help for others? Not terribly difficult with a handful of kids, but how many will join you next year? The year after? If you want the school to be successful, meaning, last beyond educating these 8 children, how will you advertise yourself or outreach to the community, letting them know about this great new opportunity for their children? You have a tough nut to crack there, because – as we found out – you are competing with however they currently educate their kids. Homeschoolers might be interested…or not. Private schoolers are usually so comfortable in schools that have tons of amenities, they rarely switch. Catholic schoolers who are unhappy with lax faith teachings are your best target market. And public schools kids can sometimes fall in that category, too, but in general, parents who are used to not paying for school rarely change their minds about that!
The best advice I can give you is to actually go to another start-up school, ask a million questions and observe. This:
http://www.napcis.org/
is an organization that can help you and point you in the right direction. At the very least, you’ll see that it certainly can be done.
The very best of luck to you; keep us posted on how it goes!
Kris:
Consider co-sleeping if you aren’t already. I get more sleep with my five week old than I did while I was pregnant. He wakes up once or twice a night and we both fall back to sleep while he is nursing. It is a life saver and worked for my other two kids as well – they are both great sleepers now as well.
Hi Ladies! Are any of you campers out there? A good friend of mine is taking a group of Cub Scouts camping in a few weeks. Besides the planned activities, she is looking for some fun things to do for down time. Especially at bedtime when some of the boys might be getting homesick. There are six 9-years old that she and one of the other scout’s Dad’s will be taking. The trip will be a week long and this is her first big camping trip besides some weekend overnighters. Any ideas would be welcome. Thanks!
P.S. The theme of the week is “Knights” (like King Arthur, etc.)
On shaving:
Ages 12 – 36, Daily underarm and legs and bikini area
Last 730 days – Legs 1x week with shower; No underarms
Can not describe how liberated (and rash-free) my underarms feel now. It did take getting used to – it’s a different mindset and people do judge me on my appearance (when I wear sleeveless tops or sundresses).
Keeping clean and hygenic is not difficult. Wash daily with soap and water. Don’t use synthetic deodorants – the deodorant substance sticks to the hair and forms small sticky balls that trap dirt and odor. I use essential organic oils (lavender mostly) and talic powder.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not dirty or un-hygenic to leave the hair under your arms as God intended. My nod to vanity is trimming the “hanging strays” so that the hairs all stay neatly tucked in the armpit.
One final thought: Do you think Mary the Mother of Jesus shaved under her arms (or her legs)? Don’t be offended at the question. She was a human woman, with a physical body. Reality tells me, probably not. If underarm hair was good enough for the Mother of Our Lord, than its good enough for me.
On the subject of body hair – I don’t think God really cares.
I’d ask myself – What does my husband prefer?
On coloring:
I’m not a granola-crunchy but I do read this site: http://www.treehugger.com/files/2005/08/earthtalk_why_d.php.
I do color my hair, and I use organic dyes like this one: http://www.ecocolors.net/.
My hair is coarse and naturally spiral-curly and does not hold color well. To boot, my new hair is snow white, not gray. I am pleased with this product.
Nervous -
Try not to worry. I have 3 so far and my first two are 13 months apart and my second two are only 11 months apart!! (my newborn is 1 month old). I, too was nervous about having 3 so close in age (my third was born only 12 days after my first turned 2!) But so far, I’m doing ok! I’ve had to do some adjusting of my daily schedule, and some days are certainly harder than others. I do find mealtimes the hardest, though my husband is able to come home at lunch and I that is a lifesaver. I always just pray that whatever God gives us, we’ll be able to handle. I know you will be able to do it, too!
Oh, and the other lifesaver was getting my first two on the same afternoon nap schedule. That way, there’s always time to get dinner done, or a much needed nap, or both! Speaking of, they’re sleeping now so I’d better get in bed with the baby!
CMerie – I just was at the Burlington Coat Factory and they have a fairly extensive Maternity section. I’m not sure of the quality but they had a lot of cute things. I was tempted to buy some “good deals” but decided that I should focus on my non maternity wardrobe for now!
Amy:
Just a couple of quick thoughts on the school:
1) Even if your parish allows you to use their facilities rent free, it is still likely that you will incur costs for insurance and utilities, as those costs are significant and would not be there were the school not to use the buildings.
2) Depending on your state, you may need approval from your state department of education.
3) In many dioceses, in order to attach the label “Catholic” to your school, you’ll need approval from the bishop and the diocesan education office.
Re: arguing/discussing in front of the kids:
My DH has some Italian blood, and I have Irish. If we could never raise our voices a bit in front of the kids I think we’d both explode!
I’ve always explained to the girls that disagreeing, even with strong emotion, isn’t the same as “being mad” at each other or “fighting.” We may be enthusiastic in our opinions and our defense of same, but that’s not always a bad thing. I do try to control my temper and will apologize if I’ve been cranky, but that’s a whole different category from disagreement.
The way I look at it is that when children are old enough to understand the topics we’re discussing, they’re old enough to be aware that even people who love each other very, very much will disagree sometimes–even strongly. I respect those who disagree with that, but I don’t think it’s particularly a good thing to keep up an appearance of cooing agreement and zero conflict in front of children who are past the age of reason and capable of understanding that mom and dad don’t always see eye to eye on every single thing that comes along.
Now, an unusually sensitive child or “disagreements” that are just rehashing of nagging sessions etc. will exist that will be exceptions to a general rule. But I do think that for the most part children need a model of marriage that is realistic, not one that pretends that things like dirty socks or unwashed dishes or occasional disagreement simply don’t exist in a happy marriage.
Therese, re: 4th grade,
I have been the room mom for all my children as they passed through the 4th grade – my youngest daughter will be there this coming fall. Our class does tons of field trips. We live in CA, too, so we visit many of the SC missions as a class. Each child chooses a mission to do a report on, with guidance from their parents as they are expected to actually go to that mission. The report then includes pictures of themselves at various points of interest at their mission. Our class also visits Calico ghost town, which was a booming gold mine back in the day. There’s a great ice cream shop their which we always stop at just before heading back to school. Our school is a small private school, so parents drive for the field trips. With gas prices being what they are, I don’t know how your school feels about sending a bus to all these locations! Or, how parents will feel about volunteering for such an expense, but these trips are fully worth the cost. Good luck. I’m sure you will do a fabulous job.
Happyappywife,
do you think Mary the Mother of Jesus colored her hair? If gray/white hair was good for her, why isn’t it for you?
I am just teasing you here, don’t get mad
Sometimes it is a little unwise to play the game “Did Mary do this?”, “Did Jesus do this?” Or the like. I guess they didn’t take showers the same way we do, but that doesn’t make our showers and bathtubs bad. They didn’t dress the way we do, but that doesn’t mean all our clothes are bad. They didn’t drive a car, but that doesn’t mean the car is bad. You see my point.
Also the “natural” argument… If something happens to the body naturally, it means it’s good, and it’s always wrong to go against it. Well, it doesn’t always work this way… The body naturally gets dirty – does it mean we shouldn’t clean it? The hair on our head grows naturally, does it mean we should never have a haircut? Just as we do not come up with moral reasoning when it comes to have a (reasonable) haircut, why should we do differently when it comes to leg hair and the like? Personally, I don’t like looking like a man, so I shave with reasonable frequency… I don’t see what’s wrong with this.
Any advice for a biting baby/toddler?
Our first daughter is 15 months old and bites. Usually I can identify triggers (overtired, hungry and sometimes overstimulated, like if there’s a lot of excitement around). It does get worse when she’s teething, but it’s still a problem when she isn’t teething.
How do you handle this? At home, if she bites my husband or I, I scold her by telling her no biting, it hurts people. I’ll usually remove her from the situation, and place her in a different part of the room, like baby “timeout.” When she gets “caught” biting, or we scold her, she gets so upset and starts crying.
Today, she bit a 10 month old baby at daycare! She must have done it when the provider blinked, because no one knew it happened until she spotted a bite mark on the baby’s arm.
I don’t want her to hurt her friends, and I don’t want her friends to be afraid that she might bite them.
Any advice?
Red and Mel,
I hestitate to give advice, since I am constantly struggling with those sorts of issues myself, but sometimes just having a new plan helps, even if not forever.
I have 6 kids of my own (13 to 2), and watch my two nieces (10 and 8), nephew (3), and a friend’s boy (11). I’ve done this (sometimes with a few other kids) for a number of years, so we’re always dealing with conflicts resulting from the fact that rules and norms vary from family to family. Whenever one kid is becoming persistently problematic I make that kid my buddy for the day or the week, depending on how bad the situation is. Since he is already pestering you all day, you can take back control of the situation by announcing to him that he MUST stay with you until you say otherwise. I just take the kid around and have them be my assistant at every chore I do during the day, during my lunch, my breaks, and everything. It works out that there is tons of opportunity to talk to them about the problem, and how things are gonna be in your house. I talk to them like I am showing them the ropes, like a movie-style mentor along the lines of the old man in Karate Kid. Most of it is just a quiet sharing of work. I talk to them about other things too, but if they go overboard and get silly, I tell them that we’re not here to chitchat because there’s stuff to be done. Make sure you have a ton of work to get done that day (never a problem in a big household, lol…) and don’t take any extra ‘me’ time.
I don’t know why this works, exactly, but believe me, it makes a huge difference. A lot of times, the reason we’re watching other people’s kids in the first place is because they are busy and primarily committed (timewise) to job, school, etc. A lot of babysat kids really benefit from an adult’s serious attention – not yet another person to tell them they’re special or to entertain them, but to give them the inside scoop on how to get along in life and to introduce them to the dignity of work. Bossy kids (and this is so rampant today) especially need to serve as underling once in awhile. This strategy works for fighting too. IME, when two kids are constantly fighting, there is usually one kid who is acting as instigator every time, and another who is overly quick to react. I try to address these issues separately.
Sorry for the long post. Hope this helps.
As a courtesy to those around you….. if you are going to wear sleeveless shirts/dresses…. PLEASE shave the underarms! Just “tucking it in” is not going to cut it!!
Theresia,
Re your 5yo with sensory & behavior issues–I’m sure you’ve read the book Your Out of Sync Child? There’s another book called Your Out of Sync Child Has Fun with good calming activities to help our special kids unwind… Was your son’s behavior with his OT unusual? Maybe it was just a fluke or a bad day. My son loves his OT and obeys her like nobody else. Not so his speech therapist–they weren’t a good fit so we took him out. God bless!
Sheo-
Great idea!!! I’m going to do that tomorrow. Today has been especially hard. (or I’m just especially OVER IT!!! :0) )
Thank you. I have been at my wits end & I know that it is a problem for him at school, as well. I hope this makes an impression.
lp,
I am now thirty nine but have had a lot of gray hair since my twenties .I dyed it a couple times but the home stuff didn’t cover all of my gray anyway so was a waste. I got it done a couple times professionally but because my hair is long and thick (to the bottom of my back) it was very costly and only lasted a couple months before the roots needed redone. I finally decided that as the Mom of three ages twelve to eighteen , I earned every gray hair that I have. Since I have let it all show I have gotten many compliments on my hair so it must look Ok.
My Mom was totally gray at twenty one and used to try to dye her hair but the difference from dark brown ( her original color) was so much that people didn’t recognize her. When I got married nineteen years ago and my husband didn’t recognize her from a distance she said she would probably soon be a Grandmother so she no longer cared if she looked like one. She has also gotten many compliments on her snow white hair.
angelique,
If you want to socialize your two and a half year old ( I know well balanced kids who were well socialized early and those that were not . The same with poorly adjusted older children) I would recommend a preschool when she turns three. There are many out there, some that offer only a couple hours a week and many provide transportation. My children attended one years ago that is still in business that the public school system sponsored. It was free no matter your income. ( all I paid was lunch costs) and bus service was also provided .I think they went for two hours three days a week. This was actually started for kids with special needs but the district found that these special needs kids benefited tremendously from having typically developing kids around and vise versa. I know many public schools now offer these programs all over.Your local Elementary school could probably put you in touch with one in your area
CMerie,
Look in your Yellow pages for Consignment stores or children’s second hand stores like”Once Upon a Child”.Many now carry nice maternity clothes at a fraction of the price.
My thanks to Diane, Jennifer D., and Margaret on Sylvan Learning Center. His testing was long today, but he did well (he felt confident in his doing well). I was impressed by the staff, facility, and the families coming in and going out. Everyone was so nice and understanding.
My son’s issue is confidence. He thinks he’s done well, but reality is usually just below or right on average. This is discouraging to him, because he thinks he’s done 100%. So, my purpose in taking him there, irregardless of the cost (which is a reality we will handle because it is for a good cause), is to increase his knowledge and confidence. The other areas they will cover with him will be to teach him how to study and note take (for lectures as well as from materials). They will help him get organized and to focus. I appreciate that they are making a program specifically for him and that we, the parents, will be frequently updated.
My fear has been that, because we decided not to continue home schooling him for high school, that he will have a huge adjustment period in many ways. He is a good kid, huge heart, good conscience, and high morals. We are incredibly involved in his life and watchful for problems. So, we’re not worried about his safety or any choices he may have to make peer-wise. Our concern is completely academic. We think he’ll do okay there, too, but Sylvan will increase his ability to stay the course. On the other hand, we are ready to pull him back home the moment something is amiss.
We decided to try high school in the county because I feel tremendous stress about keeping records, making sure he gets the right classes/credits and all that. It seems like too much for me to handle. Private schools are out of the question – and I hear that if you start a kid in HS with home schooling, you may as well finish as many credits may be missing, not accepted etc.. We can’t afford to have set backs. Besides, he wants to be with his peers (that may change radically once he realizes it is more of the same kind of kids who he dislikes in the neighbourhood).
Thank you for your prayers, as they are so deeply appreciated.
I had great success with the Liz Lange line at Target for maternity clothes as well as Old Navy online. And I second the Kohls comment, great prices.
Sarah – Add me to the list of those happy with Sylvan; my son’s SAT scores went up almost 300 points. I plan to use them again as my younger kids get to high school.
Shaving – There are some situations where not shaving is entirely inappropriate and I thought I’d just mention that, since it hasn’t been said already. In the professional world (and yes, I’m the one with the overly-long posts on starting a school, so yes, that includes representing the school in a professional manner, besides other jobs I have) one must be as well-groomed as possible. That includes shaving, make-up, well-tailored suit with a skirt just below the knee – no longer and no shorter – and a good hair cut. In a professional environment, say, in law or higher level business, you couldn’t even have long, long hair. You could go gray, in some situations, but if you’re looking for a promotion, it is far better to look younger.
Just a different perspective if you’re not a full-time, sah homeschooling mom, is all.
Amy, MVE -
You might want to google Catholic charter school.
There is a charter school – receiving state moneys – that is Catholic in nature. No one is forced by the school to join in the culturally Catholic things, but they are part of the school day. I don’t know much about it but a search should pull it up.
Lisa G –
I’m if I’m being too presumptive when I answer your request for advise on biting, I apologize. That said…
May I suggest not comforting your daughter if she cries when corrected for biting? I know it is tough not to, heart breaking even, but comforting her may cloud the no bite message – perhaps, perceived as, “No.” Tears. “Awww, if it upsets you, never mind. It is okay.”
Anon @ 2:20 =
You put me in a mini giggle fit.
Oh, and as far as greying hair… My first gray hair came was found shortly before 18.
At 43, when I was filling out a clearance form to do prison ministry, I checked brown for hair color. The next time I was in front of a mirror, I found that I really need to pay more attention because at some point I had gained more gray hair than I have of brown. I had to change the form.
Peace. ~~~mary
I have another question about a 5, almost 6 year old girl. (she does her chores great by the way, it’s just her personality) My problem with her is that she keeps “touching” her “private” areas, either with her hands or with objects like books or toys. One night last week she woke me up at 3am to confess that she had done it again, and the last couple days she is telling me every few minutes that she has been tempted to do it again or that she has done it again. I’m really at my wits end with her. My husband and I have patiently, calmly explained that this behavior is inappropriate and could injure her. Today I lost that patience and I spanked her so hard. Yet, not a half an hour later, she came and confessed doing it again!
I’ve looked to Dr Dobson and Dr Ray for help, but they were no help. I mentioned this to a woman from my church who has 10 daughters and she looked at me like I had a third eye, and said she’d never encountered such behavior. My pediatrician (who has examined my daughter three times to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with her) says that “humping” objects and physical exploration is “normal” for this age and I shouldn’t worry about it.
My daughter seems to be crying out for attention with this willful disobedience, and yet she spends all day with me and her siblings, I homeschool her and read outloud to her several times a day, she helps me with chores and cooking, and I answer her every unending question. I don’t know how I could give her more attention. (I’ve even cut my internet usage back to only when my children are sleeping or in quiet time to help give her more attention) She only spends time with our family, she has no other caregivers or family who could possibly be abusing her. (which is something someone asked me)
I’m afraid to let her share a room with her younger siblings and I really don’t even want to be around her. This behavior disgusts me, and partly because I was abused as a child by neighbor children and also two older cousins. (who my mother just says we were “curious” about our bodies, “boys will be boys” and that this exploration is “normal”) I don’t know if I should make a big deal about it and take her to counseling, or just ignore it as my pediatrician says and maybe she’ll outgrow it?
My parish priest is inapproachable about this subject, and I really don’t know where to turn. Please, if anyone has advice or can point me in a direction of appropriate Catholic literature, I would be ever so grateful.
Your sister in Christ.
Lauri (on camping)-
When I went to camp at that age one of the counselors read us C.S. Lewis’ “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” each night before bed. By the time the week ended we had finished the book (and when I got home I started checking out the rest of the series from the library).
Maybe that book, or another book in keeping with the theme of the camp, would be a good evening/rainy day activity. It’s fun to read by flashlight.
AnonAgain, You wrote, on looking professional, “That includes shaving, make-up, well-tailored suit with a skirt just below the knee – no longer and no shorter – and a good hair cut. In a professional environment, say, in law or higher level business, you couldn’t even have long, long hair. You could go gray, in some situations, but if you’re looking for a promotion, it is far better to look younger. ” I smirked when I read this comment. I am an attorney and worked for years before becoming a SAHM. I never wore make-up and neither did many of my colleagues. I did and do shave, both legs and armpits. But I wore pant suits, and long skirts, as did many of my female colleagues — I didn’t know there was a rule about skirt length or skirts only! And I’ve always had long hair — granted, I had a nice hair cut, styled, or I wore it up. I was good at what I did, and was judged solely on that … and as for my grey hair, it only made me look older than my 20s, so that helped me to be taken seriously by older partners and clients.
And … to put this in perspective, I was in the Dallas area, where the women have a mask caked on! My girlfriends and I have always felt like we weren’t there to be eye-candy for the men, we were there to work, and that we did well, looking professional, but not burdened by the silly expectations you describe of women. Anyhoo… just my 2 cents … now back to this poor toddler getting his molars and wants to nurse constantly! 
To: “At my wits end”:
This doesn’t seem like a problem of disobedience to me! She’s not lying or trying to hide it. From the way you describe her behavior, it seems that she is trying very hard, especially for a young child, to break a notoriously hard-to-break habit.
Some children are extremely sensuous; it’s not even that unusual. I don’t see any reason to think that she does it because she’s looking for attention. SHe’s just doing it because it feels good.
I agree with you that it’s important for her to break the habit, but I think that punishing her will have the effect of making her feel like that part of her is “dirty,” which is not a christian attitude at all. She is only a child, and she has to be given some TOOLS, not just commands.
She sounds like she is eager to please. How about telling her that, every time she is tempted to do it, she should say a Hail Mary or other prayer? You can tell her that you understand that it’s really hard to resist the temptation, but that God and Mary will help her to be strong (which is the truth, AND it takes the burden off her. She’s only a little kid). And remind her that God forgives her. It really sounds like she’s a good kid – she’s not being defiant or intentionally perverse, the way you describe it. She just has a lack of self control, like all six-year-olds.
This is really not so awful. The habit needs to be broken, but it’s not as if she’s torturing animals or setting fires or something. Your own childhood experience is probably coloring your reaction to her behavior. But it’s not worth destroying your relationship with your daughter over something like this. Kids can sense when they are displeasing their parents. They get their sense of self-worth from their parents’ attitude about them.
This isn’t some touchy-feely self-esteem issue: it’s that, if she grows up thinking that she’s no good, then where is she going to get the strength to try and BE good?
Sheesh, can you tell this situation rings a bell with me? I apologize if I assume too much, or sound preachy or angry. I just think that a six-year-old girls needs to learn, most of all, that her parents think she is a good girl.
At wits end:
That’s a tough one. I feel for you. As contrary as this may sound, I’d try leaving her alone about it for a while….even to the point of telling her not to tell you anymore when she does it. She probably feels horrible about doing it, she wouldn’t confess to it if she didn’t. Our daughter was doing the same sort of thing around age 4 almost 5. We distracted her when we saw her doing it, but never told her why and the behavior stopped. For example, if it happened while watching tv, we turned the tv off and had her go outside or said it was book time. If it happened at bed time, we got her out of bed to get another drink of water or to use the bathroom one more time before bed. We also kept her up about a half hour longer which made her very tired so she’d fall asleep as soon as going to bed.
If we ever see her doing that behavior again, now that she’s 9, we’d be more direct about stopping it. But before the age of reason..I personally believe there’s a little wiggle room for this sort of stuff and that paying real close attention to the problem might make it worse.
Good luck.
Sarah:
We also 7 kids 13 down to 5 mo. and our 3rd child (girl) sounds just like your 6 year old (ours will be 9 in a few weeks). A few things that have worked for us – because you are right – the others quit “cleaning” when they see her “get away” with it.
1. Have her assigned to babysit the toddlers during cleaning but give some sort of reward to those that do clean (if you need to).
2. Have her be your assistant during cleaning times (I currently have my 7 year old boy doing this). He works with me and basically runs errands for me while cleaning – go get the dusters, put this toys away, etc.
3. Also, we give allowance not tied to particular chores – but based on general helpfulness around the house. My 13 d and 10 s both get the same because they both do a lot – then the 9 year old girl gets much less – then the 7 year old even less.
4. We have daily chores posted on the refrig. for everyone. I try to make my 9 year old d (the one similar to your 6 year old) do things that there is no question about how well/if something got done (ie. she folds the bucket of towels, sorts the laundry, etc. other kids clean a room, etc.)
5. Our 9 year old has a very different temperment than any of the other 6 – she always has. I try to remind myself to take that into account when assigning chores and not load her up with a bunch of things that would cause her frustration – we are adding those chores slowly.
6. Interesting note: my oldest 2 are gone for a few days. My 9 year old and my 7 year old have stepped it up and are helping more. Someone pointed out to me that she is not quite big enough to be lumped with the big kids – but certainlyl not a little kid. I think that she may be struggling with younger kids getting away with things but not wanting to be doing as much as the older kids.
Angelique:
I would not worry at all about your 2 1/2 year old – and I wouldn’t bother with storytime if she doesn’t like it. Kids tend to just parrellel play at that age when they are in a group anyway. So, if you or your daughter feel the need for more friends I’d pursue something. If not, enjoy this time until you do. Note: I babysat part time when my daughter was little – but she used to nurse every 20 minutes – she was two. When I quit babysitting she went to 2 hours. I think it was her way of getting mom time. So if you need the money go for it, if it’s for a playmate I personally wouldn’t.