Good morning, all! The lines are open — What shall we talk about today?
UPDATE: shutting down comments while I’m away
Technorati Tags: catholic families, coffee talk
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May 20th, 2008 Coffee Talk Tuesday164 comments to Coffee Talk Tuesday |
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Copyright © 2012 Danielle Bean | A Little Leaf Design |
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This children’s book, Tear Soup, is really an excellent resource for adults and anyone affected by grief. I haven’t seen the DVD, but the book is refreshing and real:
http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/Default.htm
We will remember you in our prayers…
To Anon (is my son gay?).
Years ago, I knew a woman from town who had a son who liked to dress in girls clothes and wanted to be a princess. I remember that she took him to an endocrinologist when he was in second or third grade to check his hormone levels. I wish I knew what the outcome was, but I remember at the time, someone told me that a hormone inbalance maybe the cause of overtly feminine characteristics in a male child. This may be something that you may want to look into.
Danielle,
I just seen the picture that you posted of your daughter with the floral crown and had to comment on how beautiful she is in it. I remember my daughter wearing a couple similar crowns though she never made them herself and they were usually fake flowers. How talented your daughter must be to do those kind of things.
Pinworm Mom -
I’ve never heard of getting pinworms from playing in the dirt. A quick check online indicates, “This common occuring worm is acquired through contaminated food, water, and house dust, as well as human-to-human contact.” That is the opinion stated, with only mild variance in language, on the sites I checked. It would be possible if “fresh” fecal material were there – but it is only very minimally possible.
Sanitary bathroom and food handling habits should be a greater concern. Peace. ~~~mary
P.S. Going to sit on my hands from here on out, been “talking” a lot today. Well… will sit on my hands except when I need to use the mouse to page down.
Hi- Thanks so much for all your advice everyone. It means a lot since not having many friends/close friends to ask. thanks.
My husband is very accomodating to my needs-he’ll do whatever it takes. It’s just that we have our kids’ activities to tend to on certain nights, and so many are not open for just going to the gym or do what I want to do- at least on a consistent weekly deal. Also,what I have found, is that other moms/friends do not have great flexibility to get together to go out-whatever – to the gym, out to eat, for a walk etc… I have asked and asked and there comes a time when I get the drift- either they just cannot do it or maybe its me. For whatever reason, it is not working there either.
Great idea, though….i would LOVe to do that stuff with friends, esp. with my extrovert personality..that is why its so hard to be home all day, every day.
I am going to work hard to find some help and pray for help. This vocation as a mother in this time here on earth can be such a lonely and hard one. ..it amazes me how we can find such comfort in computer ‘friends’. Let us pray for one another. I think I am going to tell my obgyn about this and really ask his opinnion of what i can do.
I just don’t want others to know b/c then they can hold it against us….”they should not have had so many kids” etc…
oh the persecution.
“Personally I think you are over reacting and may even be creating a problem where there is none.”
I knew this was coming. To “Mom”–Ouch! This hurts–especially since for years I thought I was “under-reacting.” This is something that we’ve been avoiding for years and obvisously there are more details and years of behavior that would be too much to post. I certainly hope and pray that you’re correct.
I know the popular worldview is that I shouldn’t think twice about this behavior. However, most of the info I’ve gotten (written by Christians and/or Catholics) states that this is a big deal and I need to do something about it while he’s still young. Also, my son meets most of the criteria listed for GID or “gender identity disorder.” This is not just info from Christians but from the APA. The difference is that the APA encouages a totally different approach than the Christians. Obvisouly, as a Catholic, I subscribe to their approach and want to do whatever I can to prevent a homosexual outcome.
Trust me, I know that he doesn’t have to be good at sports to grow up hetero. I want my son to be able to connect w/other boys while still at this age when he’s supposed to. If not, they (experts in GID) say that he will develop an unhealthy interest in boys when he hits puberty and should be interested in girls.
Again, I know this is a heated topic. And again, I hope that this is not the case and my son is just in touch with his sensitive side. But will you please try to be sensitive to my situation? Remember we’re all here for the purpose of helping one another. And, of course, I love my son for who he is.(double ouch!) I just want to steer him in the right direction.
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother, and you are just never ready to lose a parent. It is a very difficult grieving process, and that is alright. Be patient with yourself and your other family members who are also grieving. I read a book called Motherless Daughters after my mother passed, and although it covers every kind of death situation, it was helpful to me to hear these stories and know that I wasn’t alone. I am not sure if there is some sort of book on Losing a father that my offer some comfort.
Okay, so as a mom-its hard to face reality of how hard it is. i don’t want to admit it but I am afraid of the person I am becoming and who my children see me as.
I wonder if I am “depressed”- what makes one be clinically depressed? I don’t know.
I have lost sight of who I once was and I am grudginly (sp) doing my God given vocation without the deep love shown in actions and words. it is SO hard for me to do. I love my children-NO DOUBT- but I am not liking them right now. I love and adore my husband-he is my best friend and I can count on him for helping me through all this.
But, my kids? Well, they are driving me mad and I want to get away from it all for a while. So, thats the reality of it. I need to acknowledge this and say it – even through a computer -. I want to be who God created me to be.
I want to aspire to something so much better. but, I am drowning in my vocation.
I cannot tell my parents, my mom or sisters- they do not understand, nor can they help since they live not close by.
I have no one to really confide this reality to so I always smile and say ‘all is fine over here’.
Oh, another thing I forgot to admit-b/c really, truthfully….honestly, I am struggling with this- I am pregnant…again. You’d think I am okay with it. well, I am not. I am overwhelmed. I am desperate. I want relief.
I don’t like to admit that b/c i know personally many couples without children, or cannot conceive and it hurts that I feel this way…but I do and I cannot change that.
Thanks for listening. God bless.
Defiant/sensitive children:
I know this is going to sound totally bizarre – but maybe it will help someone. We have many children but our 8 year old daughter is very sensitive, etc. She has been this way since age 3. It steadily got worse until age 6 at which point she ended up in the children’s hospital ER due to horrible leg pain that would leave her screaming for hours. She was so constipated the was almost septic. But, the strange thing here…she had a BM everyday and not one of the many docs could feel anything in her gut, and she had no gut pain (she was jammin up where they couldn’t feel anything). The only reason I am saying this is because when she starts make everyone around here feel like they are walking on peanuts (my older kids are so frustrated they never even know if they should say hi to her) we find out she is again dehydrated and constipated. I call it the grumpy old man syndrome. She completely freaked out on a vacation with her grandparents and two older siblings beacuse her snowpants didn’t fit well and that totally annoyed everyone there since it almost ruined their vacation. But, we kept her behavior a secret. She was incredibly dehydrated upon return, not ill, but totally dry skin, headaches, etc. Her grandparents had no idea she needed more water in the wood stove cabin.
Sorry this is so long, but my points are these. 1. It’s not always good to shield your childs behavior from others (they can know without her knowing it). 2. Sometimes there really is a physical reason for such rude/sensitive/back talking, etc. Every single time my daughter does it we cure it with water – and it doesn’t improve until we do. 3. I really do agree with keeping your cool. I always tell my kids (esp. when they are dealing with this one) that you cannot control someone else’s behavior but you can control your own. I need to take that advise more.
I will keep you all in my prayers, I know how incredibly hard it is and I don’t expect this to be a fix for most of you, but if it helps someone it’s worth it.
To the anonymous lady worried about her son,
Some men who end up in the homosexual lifestyle do exhibit feminine characteristics when young, but a lot of the time they are actually being subtly ‘encouraged’ to do so (by the hostile and/or absent father, overprotective and/or dominant mother). I know of a situation that fits this description.
But as far as I know the child in that situation wasn’t “girly” as a very young boy, and the kind of mild effeminacy you’re describing doesn’t seem like a situation to be extremely concerned about.
I once knew a man who was the most “feminine” adult male I’d ever met. In today’s world people would probably have assumed he was gay. But he was a happily married father of three, including adorable twin girls whom I babysat a few times! So a little bit of a feminine manner doesn’t automatically mean homosexuality.
One more thing–if your son sees that you get upset when he likes “girl” things or “girl” colors, etc., it may make him want those things all the more, just to tease you or get the attention. And that’s not girlish or boyish–just a child being a child.
To May, I second the advice to get some help and some exercise, but most of all I encourage to make an appointment with your regular doctor or OB/gyn to discuss this situation. In my experience, if you’re in the locked bathroom crying, you have a problem. And it may be simply mild depression and not anything catastrophic. Routine, exercise, sleep, quiet, prayer: those are all cornerstones for a healthy family life. But if something in you is stuck or out of whack physically or emotionally, you can’t just talk yourself out of that. You really need to address your health concerns first by talking to your doctor. I did recently and oh what a difference it made. Once he ruled out thyroid problems, he sent me to talk a few times with a pyschologist. Even though I already “knew” the right answers because I’ve read a lot, being able to talk to someone who was completely focused on listening to and helping me was a HUGE help. It didn’t take long and it made everything else fall into place. I really felt as though it made special room for the Holy Spirit to speak to me. I found it very similar to talking with a priest; we need the face-to-face help sometimes. Please call your doctor.
May –
And three, by all means, see if you can get someone to help. Maybe a high school student to just come play with the kids once in a while?
what you are describing sounds like depression to me. I would like to repeat what some others have said — one, find a good therapist or counselor to talk to (check out catholictherapists.com for suggestions). Two, get some exercise, even if you don’t feel like it – it will boost the serotonin in your brain. Just get your heart rate up a little. Thirty minutes a day, several days a week would be great. Exercise saves my sanity, I think.
Don’t be afraid to let other people know you are having a rough time and need help. Lots of women have been there.
Oh and AMY V. —
my sister (who’s 22) had this a month ago. 3 weeks ago, my good friend’s 1 year old son had it (ran a fever for a week, is fine now.) Then her 3 year old got it. In each case, they had it, took a lot of antibiotics, but they are fine now. We have decided it’s some weird new virus. Hope that reassures!
May, I’m praying for you! Your honesty is refreshing. I know lots of “moms of many” who truly do thrive on each new little, but there are plenty of other moms who reach the breaking point and need–well, a break!
One thing I think that sometimes doesn’t get said is that one of the “serious reasons” to use NFP is the need to care for the children we already have. No, they don’t all need their own rooms/computers/etc. but they DO need a happy mom who gets some sleep sometimes! While I know that the one you’re expecting now will be greatly loved when he/she arrives, I also want to tell you that it is totally, absolutely, completely okay to feel overwhelmed–please don’t ever let yourself feel guilty about those feelings. And it’s also totally okay to start talking to your husband, now, about the fact that you may want to use NFP for a while once this little one arrives!
If you don’t have family close by, then see if there are people in the nearby area who can help. In addition to the good advice people have already given you, I wonder if any of these things might be possible:
1. Can your husband give you a whole Saturday to yourself? Even if you have a nursing infant, can you take just that one with you for the day?
2. Is your oldest, or perhaps the two oldest, able to help a bit? Even fairly young children can do a chore or two. They won’t necessarily do it well, mind, but it’s a great mood-enhancer for tired moms!
3. Is your oldest finishing first grade? Do you live in a state that has relaxed homeschooling laws? Can you declare today, May 20, the end of first grade, even if there are a few workbook pages here and there that aren’t done? (Lots of these concepts are repeated in 2nd grade anyway!)
4. Are you using a homeschooling program that suits your life with lots of littles? There are so many ways of homeschooling now that make life easier for moms!
5. If you had to focus on just one problem with your vocation to motherhood, what would it be? I think sometimes the overwhelmed/drowning feelings when children are young come from feeling like everything is out of control, but when you step back and look at the situation you can target some specific area that bothers you most: toy clutter or noise or fighting or disobedience or bad/bratty attitudes or too much TV or no respect for Mom’s privacy or…you get the idea. Then you can tackle that one thing instead of feeling like one of those people who has to keep plates balanced and spinning on flimsy poles lest everything crash down at once.
Hope some of this might help!
Child not liking to take a bath –
Our oldest son had this problem for a bit. For the first 10 months, he loved his bath. Then we went to visit my husband’s family in Chad, and he loved taking a bath in a basin there. When we got home, we tried to give him a bath, and he screamed so long and hard. This happened several times, and then we realized that it had been much warmer in Africa in January then in our bathroom in Northern Virginia in January (even with the heat on). Once we put the space heater on and really warmed up the bathroom (to the point that husband and I were sweating), he again started enjoying his bath time. I am not sure if this will help, but it is something to look into.
I also had the thought that maybe only keeping them in the bath for a minute or two is not the best idea. I know it is hard when they are crying and screaming, but if they never have time to really adjust to what it is like in the water, it could just make things harder. Just a thought.
Thanks for the link to tearsoup. I think this is just the thing for us as we are dealing with alot of loss right now: the recent loss of my Mother, my husbands grandmother and our upcoming move.
PINWORMS – With two previous thumb suckers in our home, we had a bout with pinworms three times. Our pedia said it was from improper handwashing after bathroom use, then sucking the thumb. All of us were treated with a single dose pill even though we weren’t exhibiting symptoms. None of the non-thumb suckers ever got it. What it boils down to essentially is judicious handwashing – even under the fingernails, after bathroom use or any “dirty” play. Ever since we figured out the why, we haven’t had a reoccurrence. You will know if your child has pinworms almost exclusively by their need to scratch their bum, regularly. It’s gross to think about, easy to treat, and even easier to avoid with proper handwashing.
In response to “defiant children”-
What she said is EXACTLY what I discovered from learning about the four temperaments, that some people actually have a NEED for control. So I learned that my “defiant” daughter needed to be more in charge and in control of things that weren’t big issues, or that were very important to her. This one little thing has made ALL the difference in the world. My daughter is nearly13 right now, and let me tell you, these children are wonderful to have! They are very responsible and hard working and can help us moms out so much! I never would have guessed ten years ago that this “difficult” child could be so wonderful to have. The temperaments really help you understand people and meet their needs better. It’s something that God created, not some new psychology theory out there.
Many thanks to those of you who have replied with good food for thought. I have to admit I am actually a little surprised by the responses. I guess b/c I thought my presence at her/their house would be an approval of their actions/cohabitation.
Of course I understand the party is about my nephew, not that he would notice if I/we weren’t there, he’s only 1 after all. But I certainly love my nephew, just as I love my sister.
I am not estranged from my sister; on the contrary, we were always very close, though I admit in the last year we have not been as close–she’s working full time, we both have children now, etc.
My mother and other sister have always thought that I am a big influence on her b/c we have always been so close and have quite a bit in common, out of all the siblings (6 of us).
We (my sister and I) did discuss this issue (her cohabitation) back in the fall and I told her I really wished she would reconsider not only for her own benefit, her boyfriend’s, and her child’s, but also in light of the example it sets to her young and teenage nieces and nephews.
I am sad to say that part of her reason for doing it was, “because I can.” There was a defiance in her; that really bothered me. And I think deep-down what most concerns me is that I’m truly not sure she is really where she wants to be. I think she had other plans–and marriage wasn’t really among them–but obviously when life throws you a curve ball, you take a swing and make the best of it. I know God makes beautiful things happen even out of our own shortcomings. He surely has in mine.
Maybe what is adding to my stress over this is the fact that our brother has broken off all contact with both her and our parents over this issue…and while I understand that he is also truly concerned for her happiness (not to mention her soul) I don’t believe his method of completely shunning her is a good one–like many of you already pointed out, the harsh judgment is certainly not going to win her over or convince her of the error of her ways.
On the contrary, he really has isolated himself…..although he still talks to me (thus the stress on me) b/c he is close to my children, and b/c he knows I share his concern for our sister (and disapproval of what she is doing).
Maybe we are all just overreacting, as someone suggested….but I really sincerely thought that cohabitation is a serious issue that should not just be passed off as “that’s how things are these days…..”
Many thanks again for your words of wisdom (previous and any forthcoming) and I also appreciate any quick prayers for my family of origin. This has really torn us apart. I’m sure the devil is just thrilled over it all.
I really like my Hotslings and so does my husband. We each have two. Granted, we bought them about 4 years ago and it seems Kristen’s prices have gone up a little but they are really great. I like the fleece ones for when we are on walks and it is cold and my cotton one most other times.
Regarding the woman with the sister and the live-in boyfriend situation. I would go to the party. You love your nephew and don’t want to bow out of his party because his parents are not marrried. That might not be nice for him either. My mother was single mother at one point and lived with my biological father briefly, and it would hurt my feelings to think that our other family members avoided functions for me because of the situation my parents put me in. My mother told me that she fought with the priest tooth and nail to baptize me because he was incensed that my mother did not marry my biological father. That made me feel really bad to hear later on, that she had to go through so much just to get me baptized.
So, as child who was born to parents who were together only briefly when I was younger, I would say don’t bow out of gatherings for your nephew and essentially punish him for your sister’s mistakes. You don’t have to approve of her situationand like others have mentioned it would be different if she was getting married outside of the church. As a matter of fact your charitable love might be the nudge that brings her back to the fold.
Just my opinion.
Worried Mom-
I am sorry if you felt I was being insensitive. Mostly what you have offered as evidence of your son’s “issues/condition” have been the girlish speech and lack of interest in sports – which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me. I am concerned that in your eagerness to make sure everything is okay (which come across as a desperate need to fix your son) you are sending the message to him (and the world) that there is something really really wrong with him and that he’s not okay – a rejection at some level. Getting the message from your mom that your okay can’t be good . . . Obviously there is much me to the story then you can share here, so I will believe that there is something wrong and pray that you find some answers.
Thank you Martha and May. My little one is on Omnicef right now, so hopefully that will help! Of course I am keeping a close eye on it!
May, you are in my prayers today. You have been given great advice here today. I would only add that everyone feels sad sometimes, but if it is interfering with your daily life, if it feels like a chore just to hold back the tears, I think that could be a sign that it is time to take a moment to heal and refresh your soul. I think putting formal homeschool on the back burner for a while is a good place to start. Just spend the days for a week or so doing what is fun for and your kids, swimming, watching movies, playing, coloring, reading, library story time, McDonald’s etc. Also really ask your husband to do the evening routine for a week or so to spend some time reflecting on what you would like your life to look like. Sometimes when we take a moment to breathe, we see that we are doing a great job and we have clarity to see where we need to make changes. Also, it is not failing if you decide you want to talk with a “professional” of sorts. Anything you do to make yourself healthier is a gift to your family.
To May,
I will pray for you and offer a few suggestions. It sounds like you are depressed, I have been there myself. It isn’t easy, and yes, you do want to “just run away” sometimes. Do yourself a favor and find yourself a good therapist. Sometimes you can get a good recommendation from your parish priest. Also, try catholictherapists.com to see if there are any nearby. Therapy is what has helped me the most. You owe it to yourself to take care of “you”. I remember finding out I was pregnant with my third and literally crying for days. It does get better. It’s important to address what is causing your depression now, so you don’t become so depressed that you are no use to your family.
Thanks for understanding “Mom.” I do pray that you are right and there is no real problem here.
For the record, this is all something that my husband and I address privately…and same goes for the therapist we sought. We do not discuss this in front of our son. I would never want him to feel rejected in any way either–esp. from his parents! I’m so much to this extreme that maybe I feel guilty that I try TOO hard and contribute to this behavior in the “sterotypical overprotective mother” role. Its something that I’m consantly working on. (I grew up w/extremely anxious parents and a father who wouldn’t let us run b/c he was afraid we’d fall!) So this tendency to worry/protect my son is something I’m aware of and am always working on
Worried Mama/is my son gay,
I think that it might useful for you and your husband to start really, and I mean REALLY, investigating what the Church says about sexual morality and practices. I say this because when it comes right down to it, it doesn’t matter what your attractions or hormones are telling you do to, we ALL have the same responsibilities and the Church has the same standards of behaviour for EVERYONE.
Let’s say, the worst that you are thinking is true, and your son does develop attractions to people of his own gender. If he has grown up with the message that sexual relations are a privilege for married persons, not a human right that should be afforded to everyone, in what direction would his conscience and the Holy Spirit lead him?
The Church is very clear that there IS a place in the Church and in society for people with same-sex attractions. The Church says that those people are given a very burdensome cross but that with prayer and an understanding of that cross, they can have a happy and HOLY life.
My family has had a priest friend for about 25 years. He is a man who is entirely devoted to his flock and Mary and his priestly duties. He is literally the best homilist that I have ever heard. He is passionately pro-life, and pro-family. He has a special empathy for mothers and has been a role model that has brought many other young men to the priesthood.
But, he came to the priesthood after a long time away from Holy Mother Church. His conversion happened when he went to Mexico with his boyfriend and when to Guadalupe. In typical Mama Mary fashion, he got ‘smucked up’side the head’, and old ladies started coming up to him in the street everywhere he went and asking for prayers! I am not kidding. Now, he had a very traumatic childhood that damaged him in such a way that it caused him to seek out relations with his own gender, and to lead a very promiscuous lifestyle. Thank God that that is not the situation you are dealing with.
If I were in your shoes, I would not worry. I would focus on raising all of my children to have a deep understanding of marriage and the beauty of the sexual union within marriage. I would surround my family with wholesome examples of priests and religious. And I would pray for guidance from God, Mary, my child’s guardian angel, and any patron of boys/priests/brothers/martyrs that I could think of.
‘Be not afraid’!
God put your son into your family because you and your husband are the best people to raise him up into a man who will love God and seek His will in his life.
I just wanted to mention that it is so reassuring to know that I’m not the only one with holes in my doors caused by a child throwing a tantrum!
May, I recommend getting your thyroid checked, especially if you are pregnant, since an under active thyroid can adversely affect an unborn child. I also have been overwhelmed and depressed, two of the symptoms of being hypothyroid, which I am. You just need to have a blood test taken, and even though you may not have this problem, I think every pregnant woman should have this test done as a precaution. God bless!
May, I wish I could say more and had time to read all the other responses to you, but I just want you to know you’re in my prayers. Maybe your pregnancy induced hormones are playing a part here, but you cannot deny those feelings of helplessness. They are real — your reality — and you have to find a way to deal with them. I think I was on the verge of a breakdown a few years ago when I was expecting my 8th. And I have so much love and support from relatives and friends! Now that I’m expecting #9 I realized I just needed to make some decisions that will lighten the load (though that is not as easy as it sounds). So our oldest (going into 10th grade) will most likely go to school next year, and our next oldest may be going to school as well. The very best help for me is that almost daily my husband tells me how much he appreciates me and how great my vocation to motherhood is. This is so very hard to remember in the day-to-day grind! That’s all I have time for. But I will be remembering you in my prayers! God bless you dear heart.
May-
I know that you have been given lots of great advice for counselling and other services. Here are two more :Is there a Catholic Charities in your area that can offer you counselling services? What about a priest that you can go to for spiritual direction and confession on a regular basis?
I know it can be hard to set aside a day every week but what about a day every two weeks or once a month? This way you are guaranteed some bit of time. By the way that is wonderful that your husband is very supportive.
May,
Marie suggested you get your thyroid checked. I am seconding that! Two years ago I started to feel a little “relapse”. It wound up to be my thyroid. When my meds were at the right dosage I felt “normal” again.
I just wanted to add that I started writing my response, then came back to it about an hour later.
I am sure that you are doing your best by your son. I am also sure that if after prayer and thought, you still feel that there is something more that you should do or investigate, then that is the Holy Spirit telling you that. Trust your gut.
I can’t imagine what it is like to be in your shoes, but I have made a point through the years to pray for parents in your position. Be assured that I will continue to do so.
To Quandry:
Go to the party. Love your sister, love her baby, love her baby’s father. Relax there and enjoy yourself. Show your children how to love everyone. When the time is right, you can teach your children why that situation isn’t what God is asking of them, but God is always asking you to love everyone. He Himself had dinner with Zaccheus! I bet that was a fun dinner party!
Child Afraid of Baths – Try putting your daughter in the bathroom while you take a bath. She can either sit on the floor and play by herself or maybe, just maybe, decide to join you in the tub. Add some bubbles and toys and try to make it fun but don’t pressure her to join you. I would think that after a few days of her watching mommy enjoy a bath she may decide to join you. Right now she connects baths with maybe a stressed mommy or a hurrying feel, so if she were to see someone enjoy a bath and not try to pressure her into on she may decide for herself.
Picnic / easy lunches
My latest favorite is bbq pulled pork sandwiches. I make it in the crockpot following the directions on the back of the McCormick seasoning packet that you get in the grocery store. It turns out that it’s really good served at room temperature as well as hot. Make it ahead, then it’s a real quick picnic to assemble, just plop a spoonful onto a dinner roll or sandwich roll and the sandwich is complete, no messing with jars of condiments or other toppings, and no worries that the mayo will go bad or the bread will get soggy. We recently took this with us to the zoo, it was one of the quickest packed lunches I’ve made, and the kids and my husband gobbled it up.
I’d love to hear other suggestions!
Has anyone here experienced extreme anxiety about their health? I seem to always be worrying about what I “could be” dying from and when I get something checked out and it comes back clear I worry about something else I could have. I have always been healthy but I can’t enjoy life because I am always worrying about what I could be dying from. if that makes any sense. Any suggestions?
Oh my goodness! I didn’t realize there was anyone else out there who worries like me. I am the exact same way. Every time, I have come out ok, then I find some other health concern to worry about. I would also love to hear anyone else’s suggestions on how to not worry about this. Years of fervent prayer have not left me any less worried.
Crazy,
You might not be “crazy”, but you certainly might have some kind of real anxiety. If it continues, I would mention it to my doctor. Anxiety can be treated, and not only with meds.
I’ll pray that you can find a solution to your anxiety.
Dear Crazy,
I have experienced extreme health anxiety at different points in my life – with “sypmtoms” very similar to yours. The internet is a real danger for me as I can easily start looking up information on diseases and work myself into quite a state. Stay away from the internet if that happens to you. For me, the greatest help was being totally honest with a very wise priest, who led me through some serious healings of past hurts that served as a trigger for a lot of these anxieties. Every axniety/phobia has a root and once something can be rooted out you can start to deal with the real issues. I hope that helps – I know from my own experience how debilitating these kinds of fears can be.
About the cohabitation/birthday party question.
I feel for you. My own sister is in a similar situation and part of my family seems to think that if I just talk to her and threaten to never speak to her again, she’ll come back to the Church, move out, have her baby baptized, convert (or dump) her fiance, and eventually get married to a Catholic in the Church. Sadly, it’s just a bit more complicated than that. I’ve learned to just bite my tongue and pray whenever the subject comes up.
One thing I have learned is that cohabitation is a sticky situation, especially when there is a child involved. The reason I say this is that in some places, there are diocesan policies that, in an effort to prevent rash (and possibly null) marriages, ask couples such as your sister and her boyfriend to wait even longer to marry. At the same time, many couples feel that need to live together to support each other and give their child a stable home.
To end my essay, I’d be a good aunt and go to the party. Whether or not the parents are married, he’s your nephew and you should be thankful for his life. The shunning of unmarried parents and their children is part of the reason that abortion is common in certain social classes, so I am very uncomfortable with the idea. Since my only child is in the womb, I can’t give you any advice as to how to discuss things with your own children. If one of my students told me about such a situation, I would ask them to pray for their aunt/sister/cousin/friend and leave it at that.
May,
My heart goes out to you! I could have written your posts. We have 8 children — our oldest is 13, and our youngest is 4 weeks. We homeschool as well.
I suffered from post-partum depression after our first and sixth children. For me, I was numb, sad and completely overwhelmed. Cried (or slept) all the time. I was not the parent I knew I should be, and I really resented my children. Please, please, please get help. With my first bout of depression (after my first child) I went to Catholic Charities for help. (They accept many insurance plans, and payment is figured on a sliding scale.) For me, small breaks, a few weeks of therapy, reaching out to others, exercise, and regular and healthy meals helped me get well. I never took medication, as I was already pregnant with our 2nd baby!
After our sixth baby, and I became depressed again, I remembered what had worked for me before, so I did that. It worked. We cut back on outside activities for awhile. I also was sure to tell my loved ones what was going on. No need to feel ashamed. I felt the same way you did — I wanted to be super-mom… the poster mom for big families who always had it all together. Forget it. We all have warts and problems. More importantly, God knows what is going on with each of us, and He loves us beyond measure. Never forget that.
May, you can, and will, get better, and this will pass. Please get help. You are in my prayers.
**For Worried Mama/is son gay,
I did read the book, “Preventing Homosexuality,” and I highly recommend it! It was very helpful to our family, and may be able to give you and your husband some ideas on a direction to take, or where to go for help or treatment. You are right to listen to your instincts; you know your son best!
To the mom who lost her dad…
My sainted father passed away suddenly almost 6 years ago. He literally dropped dead in their kitchen and died in my sister’s arms. It was so fast. His death was like a candle being blown out. He was with us one minute, the next he was gone.
My spiritual director told me something during that first year. He said that psychology tells us it takes up to a year or two for a parent and from 2-3 years for a spouse, in terms of the daily depression. Meaning, that saddness, that feeling that you can’t put one foot in front of the other…that will take some time to go away. You will get to a point where you can function again.
It has been years for me and it is much better. But only last week, out of the blue, did I have a dark day about it. Those days will happen from time to time. He was your father and that relationship will be grieved in its own time and on its own terms.
C S Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” is excellent, because it is so desperate. This is not the level-headed Lewis. This is a true widower….angry, clinically depressed and not wanting to go on.
He resolved to keep four journals for his grief and, when the pages ran out, to stop weeping. The journals were later published.
My mother told me “heaven sense” is also good.
Good luck and my prayers are with you.
May – I will offer my hour of adoration for you. Congratulations on the new life. I know how you feel. We have 6 children, but way back when #2 was 3 months old and I found out #3 was on the way, I cried when the doctor called to say the test was positive. I felt so guilty for that. It was just a very overwhelming moment. I cried on my mother-in-law’s shoulder and said I didn’t want to feel that way about a baby. She reassured me it wasn’t the baby, it was the situation. There is so much of pregnancy (morning sickness, weight gain, emotional ups and downs, swelling of ankles, etc.) that it can be understandable to feel a bit overwhelmed. And a baby brings lots of work and little sleep. All things to feel a bit reserved about.
The thyroid check would be a great idea. This would go along with a thorough hormone profile if you saw an NFP doc. The best thing about seeing them too is that they completely understand your family, they won’t make comments about your family size but will embrace and support you. They will understand where you are.
Not sure if this had been mentioned in the comments above, but pick up that rosary. Mary is there for you. Mary faced an unexpected pregnancy, one we would term as a “Crisis Pregnancy” today. She will help you. Just ask. Perhaps you can’t bring yourself to a rosary, but each time you struggle just speak her name, ask her help. She will embrace you with her love and bring you the love of her Son. Do you have adoration in your area? Go sit with Jesus. Let Him take your burdens, exhaustion, emotions, etc. Give it to Him and He will carry you through.
Many prayers.
To Diane-
My son sounds exactly like how yours was a few years ago. He was recently diagnosed with ADD and is currently flunking the 8th grade. He was put on Straterra but it’s not working very well. I was wondering, how do you go about getting the diversion and IEP plan? I’m new at this and at a total loss where to go. We had a bad experience with a psychologist, too. I am desperate and we definitely need outside help. I would appreciate any advice you may have. Thank you!
In response to “Juno”-
I didn’t like “Juno” at all. I found it very edgy and depressing. There were some explicit scenes in the movie and I can’t believe it was rated only PG-13. I’m sorry I saw it.
To Anonymous in a quandry –
Think of Zacchaeus.
Think of the prostitute washing Jesus’ feet (Luke 7:47)
“So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love. 13 But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.”
If Jesus did not see fit to eschew sinners – then how can we? As we’ve all heard – love the sinner, hate the sin.
We are all of us sinners. And not just that – we sin every single day. Repeatedly. Some sins are more public than others – but your sins, even if known only to you, are there. If this situation does not hurt your children then go and celebrate the gift of that child. Show them the way by your love and example. Just like Jesus did.
And don’t forget…have fun!!
Peace and blessings.
On defiance – we are currently expecting our 6th, and have had some experience with defiance. All of my kids have had their phases, and still do.
I have realized, that with my two oldest girls I have not been as lovingly firm and consistent when they were younger as with my two boys now, and it shows as they do behave like spoiled brats sometimes.
As a rule I try:
* not to debate when emotions are high – I struggle with that as I am a choleric
* not to debate when the tone is disrespectful
* to acknowledge when they are hungry/tired, etc. and tolerance is low
* work hard at saying please and thank you to them and acknowledging when I am very pleased and happy by their cooperation and helpfulness.
* to give them a fair amount of work – I have noticed that when they have too much time to themselves they get REALLY nasty – so, school and/or chores until after the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and then play time – and there are A LOT of chores around here.
* to make a point to be respectful and polite first, and expect the same in return – that’s a hard one when 5 different people whine at me, and I am tired, or feel overworked, etc…
* to work on as it is extremely necessary, is to spend time with each one exclusively – shopping trips, cooking experience, learning how to knit, I want my oldest to teach me to play the piano, etc. doesn’t have to be long, but intense – one of my BIG shortcomings.
* also teach them that emotions are subject to our mind – we are in charge by applying our thinking capacities – that is a hard one, but it falls into the category of practicing the virtues, esp. self-control
* to teach them to differentiate between “feeling” loved and “knowing” that they are. I explained to my second the other day when she threw a fit over her math lesson, that I have been given by GOD the responsibility to raise her into a fine adult, and that I have no interest in flunking that test; so, while she is free to make her choices, I will have the responsibility to respond to those as GOD one day will ask me if I have done right by her and I want to be able to say yes. Letting her behave whichever way she wanted is not the loving thing to do as eventually, it will come back to bite her. So, it is better that she gets “bitten” earlier rather than later. And that is my job.
It is hard, hard work, and I have to admit that I do not pray for strength and guidance as much as I should – another point to work on I guess.
Blessings,
Re: Juno
I saw it and really liked it. I’m not sure how one could view the film as depressing… unless one prefers fairy tales. The young girl makes a mistake then DOES THE RIGHT THING. She sacrifices for the good of her child, then gives the child up for adoption. While I do not think it is a film for children, mature adults should be able to handle it.
Ditto to Juno fan.
I think it was great and edgy. The scene after the delivery was perfect.
It is not a movie for children.
Lots of stuff today!
Re: Juno, I really liked it, but my husband wasn’t much of a fan. It is certainly not so much of a preaching-to-the-choir film as “Bella” was. I think it is good as a way of reminding us how to engage the culture in a way most people can hear. I particulary liked the “adults should act like adults, not like cool teens” message.
To anon, worried about her effeminate son: I’m sure there is more than what you describe here, but I know a number of boys (my brother included) who had a doll (and “nursed” it even!) and turned out fine.
Maybe some of the attraction toward “girl stuff” at friends’ houses is because there isn’t any of it at home and it’s prettier, shinier, different, whatever? (Not saying you should get him a bunch of Barbies or anything, just an observation.) I know one family most of whose sons are into hunting and stuff, but one boy prefers art – and that’s where his dad takes him for guy time is to art museums. Maybe, since you said he wasn’t comfortable with the athletic types on his soccer team, he could take an art or dance or some such class depending on what he’s interested in and meet some other boys with similar interests so it doesn’t feel so much to him (and you) like he likes “girl stuff.”
To those with defiant kids, I was one of those too (though now my mom swears I wasn’t that bad and says, like it’s a good thing, that she hopes my daughter is just like me!)
Part of my problem was that I reached puberty very early and we all know that hormones are tough enough to deal with when you are a mature adult, let alone 10 years old. So, at least for those with girls, that might be something to take into consideration and maybe to bring up with an NFP-only doctor. Aside from that, my mom and I have very similar personalities and we both said plenty of hurtful things when we butted heads through those years. We are very close now, but it helped when we got some space and when I finally grew up… 
I was always fine in public, but home is where you learn how to be angry appropriately and there is plenty of inappropriate behavior during that learning process. So just to encourage you – and me too if my daughter IS just like me when she gets older! 
To the mom worried that her son is gay:
I can not imagine the anxiety you have. So far, my kids haven’t given me that sort of grief.
But my kids have done all sorts of other things that are not socially acceptable. Or things that are embarrassing. And while I may gently tell my 2 year old to not pick his nose, my 8 year old gets a sterner correction.
I would hate to create gender stereotypes in my children, but is it possible that he needs a little guidance in socially acceptable behavior? “Son, you are talking in a high-pitched voice…why?…well, everybody knows that’s not your voice, so somebody might think you are teasing or making fun of them and it will hurt their feelings.”
Perhaps you have tried this already. Perhaps you have been hoping he would outgrow it on his own. I think sometimes kids for whatever reason don’t advance to the next developmental level on their own, and we need to drag them there. I’m not a psychologist, so I’m only speaking from a tiny bit of experience and no education. Please ignore my suggestion if it’s not helpful.
One last thing, I have an 8 year old who still thinks urinating in his pants is ok if going to a toilet is inconvenient. Talk about dragging him to the next level! But I think the problem now is more an effort to break a really bad habit. If your son has gotten used to talking a certain way, it may be difficult for him to change and may take months of correction.
May, you have received some good advice; please allow me to contribute just a bit more. My midwife recommended I start taking St. John’s Wort as I’ve had a hard time since my baby was born over a year ago. A friend of mine is taking it and she is due with baby #6, so it is safe during pregnancy – but talk to your health care provider all the same.
I agree with the commenter who recommended you ask Mary for help. I’ve found some relief after putting my burdens at her feet.
Worried mama – meant to get back to you earlier, but my computer wasn’t cooperating.
The boy with the girly traits – I do get to seem him fairly regularly (his mom attends our parish, and he comes…more regularly now that he is getting close to first communion age) He still is very dramatic and loves singing and dancing. He doesn’t seem to be as much into girl stuff as before, but some of that might be due to getting bad reactions from the other kids at the public school…not sure.
I think that it is fine for you to be concerned, just don’t be anxious about it! I can tell you love your son, and that you are trying to do what is best for him. Maybe you need to back off on the “be careful” kind of statements and encourage him to be more daring and adventurous. Sometimes bad things will happen (we just got a cast off our 18 month old daughter after five weeks because she broke her arm) but hopefully only things that will heal!
I seem to remember some good info on being a dad to boys in Steve Woods book “Christian Fatherhood”. Hubby really enjoyed the book…we took it to the church library, so I don’t have it here. Just keep working with your hubby to love your son and encourage him to try new things.