May 20 2008
Coffee Talk Tuesday
Good morning, all! The lines are open — What shall we talk about today?
UPDATE: shutting down comments while I’m away
Technorati Tags: catholic families, coffee talk
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Navel Gazing since 2004
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A mother is the most important person on earth. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any Cathedral -- a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body. -- Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -- C.S. Lewis
Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. -- Pearl S. Buck
Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content. -- Helen Keller
Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing. -- Bl. Mother Teresa
The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried. -- G.K. Chesterton
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Hello ladies! I’m writing from Doha, Qatar where I am currently living (hence the 5am response… it’s actually about to be 1pm over here!) I’m writing with hopes of getting some advice or suggestions on home size. My husband and I are looking at building a home on 25 acres within the next year or so and we want to build a modest home. We currently have 3 small boys but with God’s blessing, we hope to one day have a large family. Basically we want a master bedroom with bath, 2 bedrooms for the kids (boy’s room and girl’s room), and an extra room for guests or what need be. We are thinking of making the dining room be the homeschool room, and are not sure if we should just have one more bathroom for everyone else to share, have 2 ½, or go ahead and have 3 full bathrooms. Also, I was wondering how many of you homeschoolers do not have a “homeschool room” and are just fine with that. We would prefer to have a one story home no bigger than 2000 square feet, but that leaves us wondering what size the kids bedrooms would need to be if say we end up having 2 sets of bunks in each room. I know this is a lot of info but I would really appreciate any suggestions! Danielle, I would especially enjoy hearing your take because if I remember correctly you guys lived in pretty cozy quarters for quite a while before your husband built the addition…if you don’t mind me asking how big was your home before and after, how many bathrooms do you have, and how did you cope or handle it? Personally I am fond of smaller homes..I think they are cozier and well, you know how they say, “love grows best in little houses”, but then again, I am not quite sure how small is too small before the love explodes! ? Thanks again for any advice…God’s abundant blessing be on each one of you!
Is there anyone out there living at Ft. Riley? We will be PCSing there this summer.
Hey Veronica,
Are you military?
I think we’re the only ones up – I’m in Ankara, Turkey – also 1pm here.
Tracy,
Well, good afternoon! No, I am not military. My husband is in the oil industry..we’ve been here a little over a year and plan on moving back home (Texas) sometime in ’09.
Good Morning!
Any vacation plans anyone? Jersey Shore for us as usual. Only an hour away. Cooking our own meals saves a bundle. Gas is cheaper is Jersey too!
HOw is everyone dealing with the price of gas? I have been commuting to work on the train as much as I can. (Free ride) Only people who get off at the Staten Island Ferry pay the fare, I get off way before that. It’s saved me a bundle already!
Good morning. To all the large families out there (in the US) — you must be getting a nice big Economic Stimulus Payment this month, huh? Good for you. I guess this is one time it literally pays to be fruitful.
My oldest son will be getting married in two weeks (it’s the first in our family!). Does anyone know of a special novena we could start for him and his future wife’s intentions? Thanks for any suggestions ahead of time!
re: home size
It all depends on the layout! My family of 8 is currently squeezed into 1800 sq ft plus a basement. It’s tight, but I think the hardest part is having to put the dining room table in the same room as the living room furniture.
I think 2 baths are sufficient, but having a third half bath makes it easier to keep one relatively clean for guests. If you have 6 kids sharing a bath, it will be difficult to constantly stay on top of the towels, toothpaste messes and general untidiness especially around the toilet.
You will want to have a dining room big enough to seat everyone, including perhaps grandma and grandpa. If you use your dining room for school (as I do), the bigger the better. I highly recommend another area for casual eating – a bar height in the kitchen or a small table in the kitchen. We are not always done with school by lunch time and then we have PB&J sandwiches competing for space with math notebooks.
If you have big closets, I would suggest built in shelves for bins to store clothes. Dressers take up a lot of floor space that could be used for beds or play.
Consider a “mudroom” or some sort of entrance room where you can have lots of hooks for jackets, purses, backpacks (even if you homeschool, your kids will have them) and all that stuff. Be aware that the floor of this room will hold the stuff and your hooks will be empty (in other words, you won’t want this as your front entrance!).
Togetherness is great, but the noise can be tremendous. If your “guest bedroom” could generally be used as a quiet sitting room, that would help you or your children who want to “get away” find some quiet time.
The key to sharing tiny spaces with a lot of people is storage for necessities, failure to own lots of non-necessities, and no wasted space.
Defiant child(ren)???? Of course all children are defiant to one degree or another, but I have 2 (out of my 4) that could be classified as having the “oppositional defiant disorder” so they are the king and queen of pushing my buttons and adversely affecting everyone in our family. As summer approaches and we are all home together 24/7, I am in desparate need of any and all suggestions for keeping some level of peace in our home, while keeping media time at a minium. I have read all the books and tried so many things. I’m hoping to find a/some moms who are dealing with these same struggles.
Joann-
You aren’t alone! Our oldest is defiant, but only at home. He’s an angel for his teachers, coaches, in front of the neighbors, at church, etc. It has been so frustrating and is causing a lot of heartache in our family. We are debating if we even go on vacation this summer because he’s already starting protesting that he doesn’t want to go. We’d hate to invest the time and money if he’s going to make the trip miserable, but we also don’t want to miss out on doing things together as a family. We have also read a lot of books, pray a lot and still feel at a loss as to what to do. We are actually looking to counseling to see if that can help. We just want to try and find out what the real issue is! I know that doesn’t provide you any guidance, but wanted to let you know I feel your pain! Good luck and God bless!
Thank you for letting me know we aren’t alone. I know in theory we aren’t, but not many people talk about their struggles. Our daughter (9 yrs old) is exactly the same way. No one believes the struggles we have with her because she is so polite, sweet and kind of shy away from her family. She even admits she would never let anyone but else see her behave the way she can!! I find it so frustrating. We have had her in and out of counseling but I can’t really say it has helped a whole lot except for her to hear an outsider telling her the same things we do. Her violent/tantrum behavior has calmed dramatically, but she has put a big downer on several vacations, even Disney World last Sept. How can any child protest in Disney!?!? The biggest benefit of the counseling, for our family, was for my older daughter, who was suffering from depression and feeling responsible for the negative behavior of her sister, she is your typical high-achieving, perfectionist first born, nothing like her father and I!! We were almost to the point of sending our troubled child to a residential summer camp or somewhere residential where she could get some real help and couldn’t destroy the rest of our family. As their mother, I have to protect each and every one of my children. It has been extremely difficult on she and I’s relationship, even though I feel it is getting better over time, they are just such baby steps. I did home school one of my children for one year, not her, and it went ok, but I feel the school structure and having to listen to another adult is best for her. Unfortunately, I also have an almost 5 year old son who is so very similar to his sister, but does protest in school and other structured settings, unlike his sister. He doesn’t tantrum like she can, but definitely enjoys pushing the envelope and doesn’t care who sees him do it. Don’t know if this helps, but keep me posted on your progress and best wishes to you and yours. It really is a challenge for the whole family and I often feel sad because it isn’t the family I dreamt of, but I remind myself constantly that it could be so very much worse. It’s just sometimes hard to put that into context when I cry myself to sleep because I feel so inadequate in my job as a mother to my defiant children, their most of the time obedient siblings, and my husband who all of this affects with our marriage too!!
This is what works for us: there have to be a few activities outside the home. A good day camp based on the child’s interest for a week or two, or special activities for the child with a friend or family member (maybe a weekend at the grandparents’ for the oldest). Too much togetherness can be more stress than it is worth. Especially if your children have “issues”. Everyone is refreshed and ready to spend time together as a family. YMMV
Joan,
Gas prices? Go to NJ honey! I do a big shop at the A&P and Target in Linden, sometimes visit family and load up the tank on the way home. Only 20 minutes away, too! Gas is about .45/gal. cheaper last time I looked. I am consolidating trips around town and walking more than ever. I laughed about your “free” train ride, I used to do that when I lived at home. Get off in Tompkinsville and walk to the ferry.
I think we are all ready for summer around here! Looking forward to my oldest’s graduation and some lazy days at the beach. We will be visiting my mother-in-law in August in Mississippi. Basically people move from their a/c cars to their a/c homes or stores and never go out. It is awful, we like to be outside. But it is only for a week. Grandmother will visit us at the end of June so it is a busy time–need to paint and redecorate our younger son’s bedroom so she can sleep t here!
I know some ladies are enjoying summer already while Danielle’s trees are just starting to bloom–lovely photo in the post below, Danielle, just perfect for May. We have lovely spring days interspersed with gloomy, chilly rainy ones…I tell myself it is good for the garden, and maybe we’ll be able to water the tomatoes in August!
need coffee, sorry for the ramble. Hope everyone has a lovely day, wherever you are.
I am sorry Joann, I read your second post after I posted my response. It does sound as if she needs something more than just a week at day camp. I hope my response did not come off as minimizing or frivolous.
It sounds as if you are doing everything you can. I completely relate to the need to protect all your children. My older boy’s asperger issues can cause problems for our younger one. I feel I am often refereeing between “Aspie’ and ‘Neurotypical’. That is why separate activities are helpful for us.
It helps so much to provide structure and routine but I am sure you know that. It also sounds as if she has sensory issues (noise, crowds, Disney…) Have you had a good OT eval? it might help. Occupational therapists have techniques to calm kids and can show you fun things to do at home. One thing that really helps is swinging.
Good luck and I hope you get some answers.
Does anyone have any good Christian or Catholic resources for dealing with the death of a child? A dear friend has a daughter who is in heart failure, with nothing left to do and very possibly only a few days left to live. It is their first and currently only child, and aside from praying my heart out for a miracle, I’m at a loss for what to do for them.
Two things on my mind this morning I’m hoping someone out there has a response to:
1) A couple of weeks ago I discovered a tick on our almost-2-year-old son. It started out so small my husband and I just thought it was a freckle or mole (behind his ear). A few days later I noticed it *hanging* off of him so I took it off — still not sure what it was — but then I discovered it was indeed a bug. I’m still skeeved thinking about it. I guess they have to wait 4-6 weeks before testing for Lyme Disease, so we don’t know if it had any effect on him yet. How worried should we be about Lyme? So far he seems fine… but of course I still worry like crazy.
2) Any tips for easily getting crayon off of walls? They *say* they’re washable, but I can’t seem to get much off without a whole lot of elbow grease. Is there anything that takes it off quickly? Besides a new coat of paint.
Haven’t tried the OT, I do believe she has some sensory issues. She also shows symptoms of ADD, but only at home. My husband and I often feel bad that she got the worse of each of us
But of course our job as parents are to help her deal with her issues and reach her full potential. Your response was not at all hurtful, most of what the therapists say!! My sister, although she lives out of state, is a child psychologist, but often what you read and hear isn’t as practical as actually being there and finding what works for you. Our pediatrician became a whole lot better at his profession once he became a father!!! It sounds like you have your own issues to work with and I appreciate your time and suggestions!! Best of luck to you and yours.
This article has me a bit put out in its tone…
http://specialchildren.about.com/
What about you? The title itself is what caught my eye. Maybe one of you could do a better job commenting to the author than I could. It’s about a priest restraining a child with autism from coming to Mass (13yo – spitting, urinating and being bound by hand and feet!!)
Tina,
The magic erase sponges (Mr. Clean or other brands) work quite well – there was something being circulated awhile back about them causing burns from whatever chemicals they use in them, but I haven’t had a problem and neither has our cleaning lady who has been using them quite extensively lately since we’re preparing to move from a rented house overseas.
If you’re concerned, just use rubber gloves
Tina, I agree with Tracy – you should try those white erase sponges. Only be careful to try it on a small area out of sight first, to see how it could affect the color on your wall. Good luck!
hello ladies,
I have a question about sleeping with our husbands (or spouses if there are men out there).
Is it me or does anyone else struggle with sleeping with our husband? I mean, really being able to sleep?!
I struggle with this- we have a queen size bed, and my husband turns often in the night, literally tearing off the blankets off of me, bouncing around etc… the solution is we tried separete blankets but not much help b/c it limited the amount of room in our bedsize now. He feels terrible about this all. We do not do the family bed so it is just me and my hubby. He snores which wakes me up too. Also, little things bother me such as him taking off his socks and they end up on my side and (believe this!) they wake me up as i roll into them. so, he tries to remember to take them off before he comes in but forgets sometimes.
Is there anyone else out there that has had this problem and learned how to fix it? I joke around telling my husband that we will end up like the I LOVE LUCY show and have 2 separate twin beds soon.
Argh! Who started this whole deal of having to sleep together since we are husband and wife!? It was great in the beginning but our honeymoon stage is WAY over and sleep is mucho needed with our 6 little ones- who do not sleep well as it is. Sleep is uptmost important around here (as it is for everyone) and I wonder how to fix this?!
Maybe a king size bed? Maybe separate beds? maybe another solution?
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE for any advice. You’re awesome!
God bless you.
Joann,
We’ve had great success with Dr. James Lerner’s “Total Transformation Program” with our almost 13yr old son. My husband was driving home one night and heard an advertisement on the radio and ordered it on the spot. I was a bit appalled because it was expensive, but I think it’s worth the money. We’ve lent it to some of our friends and everyone is very happy with it. It consists of a series of cds which you can download to an Ipod and listen to. I often relisten to them while I’m walking my dog just to refresh. Essentially, what he addresses is how to talk to your child, and retrain your (the parent) responses to the child’s behavior. A defiant or abusive child usually has poor problem solving skills. He is a cognitive-behavior psychogist.
Theresia,
On the news this morning, it was mentioned that the pastor offered several options, including saying Mass at their home and having it telecast in a private room at church during Mass. It doesn’t look like the article you referred to mentioned those options. From what I’ve read it sounds like the pastor is trying to accomodate the family. I also have a child with special needs and if she were a threat to the other parishioners I would definitely explore other options.
Anyway, it looks like the family joined another church.
I will definitely look into it!! I do believe helping her starts with my husband and I’s response to her. Changes with us has provided the most improvement for her.
Many thanks!!
Joann,
It’s Dr. James Lehman (sorry). You can google it. I don’t think I’ve had enough coffee yet! Anyway, you will love this program, I can’t recommend it enough.
Good morning!
To the friend of the family with the very ill infant…my prayers to them. I do not know of a book or any words to say…only your heartfelt prayers and being there. To stand with them in their pain even if you feel useless. Standing with people through difficult times is the true sign of friendship.
I wrote a few weeks ago…I was not able to travel to Lourdes because I was scheduled for major surgery on my pancreas. Do NOT underestimate the power of prayer. My pre-op physical showed a sudden reduction of the cancer by 75%! I ended up seeing a remarkable surgeon from USC who was able to remove the remaining cancer laparoscopically last week. The recovery is a little hard still, but I am so grateful for the prayers and to our God who has been so good. The surgeon was excellent. But we know Who the glory belongs to!
We now prepare for the graduation for our 2 oldest children…one from college, one from HS..and thanks be to God I am here to see these glorious days!
Hi, I have a question about rural living…pros/cons? My family, husband,two kids (boy 10, girl 11) and myself are relocating to New England. We have lived in many locations around the US always in the suburbs of a big city. We have lived the typical suburban life style. The kids have always had friends on the street to play with and a playmate is never more than a few houses away. Well, the New England location is a little different. There are neighborhoods few and far between. The homes are typically 20 year old so the neighborhood is a mixture of ages. This is not a problem but it doesn’t guarantee friends in the neighborhood for my kids. So… we have found a nice home on four acres of land. Not too inconvient to shopping. We haven’t put a contract on it yet as I am still mulling it over. We have never lived rural. Will we like it? Is this the lifestyle that we should be living or will I move in and ask “What was I thinking?” Those of you who live in rural areas, can you comment on what you love about it? What are the hard parts of rural living? I just need to make an informed and prayerful decision on this important decision in our life. Thanks!!!!
Re: Sleep with husbands:
My in-laws actually have a king-size box spring but then two twin-size mattresses on top of that. So it’s like they’re in the same bed, but not — they don’t get bounced around every time one or the other moves. I’m not sure how long they’ve had that, but they’re still married after 40+ years! Good luck.
To Sleep with Husbands,
Are you me? I’ve had sleep issues most of my adult life and have suffered tremendously. It is my cross to bear. I could never cosleep with any of my babies, and have had to use prescription medication at times to get a decent night sleep over the past 15 years of marriage. My husband snores and has restless leg syndrome. Sometimes we can end up sleeping through the night in the same bed, but only if I fall asleep before he does and/or if I take some sleep meds. I don’t like to take the sleep meds unless I really need it, so what works for us on a daily basis is separate sleeping arrangements. I sleep in our bedroom and we have a guest room where my husband sleeps. I know we are fortunate to have this set up, and it does help with my sleep situation, but I still feel like a failure for not being able to share a bed with my husband. Vacations and travel are difficult for me. That’s when I use medication. I love my husband dearly, but we are all happier when I have a good night’s rest.
Sleep w/husband – I don’t know how to help, but you mentioned snoring, so it reminded me that my husband uses nose strips (like BreathRight) at night (for breathing issues, but they say they do help with snoring, too) – maybe it’s worth a try. But of course that won’t fix the moving and socks issues
re: sleep w/ husband
We do have a king size bed which does give a lot more space especially if you’re the only 2 in it, but if it’s movement that bothers you, it won’t help. Things such as his socks might not make it over to your side as easily, but the sound of snoring will.
I don’t quite have the same problem – although my dh causes a near earthquake when he flips over…like he doesn’t just roll, but tries jerk himself around in one movement and comes bouncing down again…great for the sleeping baby between us.
Anyway, I was just thinking that since a king bed is the same size as 2 twins put together (the mattress is one piece, but the box springs are 2 twin size), maybe putting 2 twin beds together with separate bedding will give you some space & togetherness, the socks will stay in his bed, you’ll have your own blankets, and maybe any movements from him wouldn’t be felt as much.
Good morning ladies!
My question today is:
Any great ideas for quick and easy picnic lunches?
The weather has been wonderful here, and my hubby works split shifts a lot of the time, so we often run errands during that time. When we run them on foot (it’s easier to get both girls, 3 and 1, around while walking with help from hubby) we don’t usually have time to get home and make a lunch. I’m already kinda tired of sandwiches. Other thoughts? Fun ideas? Frugal ideas? Thanks!
Therese: Glad you’re still with us and on the mend. Amen!
My eldest (14, boy) acts up at home as well. We do home educate. He’s smart. He’s an average student, and that is fine, but we know he could do more by just applying himself. For whatever reason, I believe (I could be wrong) he has low self-esteem and high anxiety. He’s never enjoyed going out to eat at restaurants (and still gets teary eyed from frustration when we say we’re going out to eat; when he does school work he doesn’t want to do or can’t understand or requires more of his time, which 8th grade on to high school tends to do). Everyone who has encountered him have always complimented him/us on what a swell kid he is, what a great leader he is becoming (scouts) . . . he’s always polite and he is so sweet. Yet.
I definitely believe what’s helped him so far is that we have expectations for him. We insist upon respect. He can’t throw fits at home if he is unwilling to throw them in public. That rule has helped him a lot, plus his natural progression in maturity. Also, we pray. Alot. We talk about everything, openly and honestly. We try not to “preach”, but allow him to express himself. We do our best to show him we love him and how much our family appreciates his contributions.
It’s sad, but I think a farely solid fact, that kids today feel resented and unloved. Whether that is true or not, they feel that way in varying degrees. Perhaps I am wrong, but because society is making rules about no hugging kids in school (how sad is that?) and yet they can read about “my two dads” (sex ed, also) . . . the schools are raising a bunch of mixed up kids. Not all of them, but our educational system has been getting worse in blurring lines of right and wrong with the tell-all “you decide what’s right for you”. Kids have too much stuff. If they are struggling with getting rid of the Happy Meal toys, there’s something wrong. When I walk into some of my friends homes I cannot believe the pluthera of junk/toys EACH kid has. It reaks of “you don’t have to share”.
As for me, a small house will suit me just fine. I like what the military provides for me, but I can’t wait to share a sole sink with my husband one day. I think it’s good to have to wait some times. It builds character.
Please pray for my pup, who’s having her hernial surgery today, also, her spay. Thanks.
Anyway, that’s just what’s on my mind after reading comments here. I think you people are brave to put all this out there. May God bless you all with what He considers Abundant.
Tina D.
I only skimmed the responses and didn’t see anything more about ticks and Lymes…
Call your doctor or nurse and ask them….that would be my recommendation. My 2 year old had a tick on her and I called the nurse at our doc’s office and feel so much better. Still looking for a bull’s eye rash and flu like symptoms, but so far so good. I pray the same for your child.
Terry,
I grew up in suburbs, but soon before I got married, my parents and younger siblings moved to the sticks. Totally surrounded by farmers. They have 30 acres and a small 3 bedroom house for 8 people. They LOVE it. The kids love roaming the property and playing. It’s away from bad/annoying neighbors and bad influences of other kids (this is what they wanted). They homeschool too.
I don’t particularly care for it because it’s like 20 minutes to get into town for shopping. An hour away from the bigger city (where my dad works, and they go to mass). If you have rural living with not too far to go for conveniences – shopping, medical, etc. then it’s a good deal.
In my married life, we’ve mostly been in military housing with lots of neighbors. Some space & privacy is nice – especially if “civilization” isn’t too far away.
It’s a matter of preference really. If you like having lots of close by neighbors, then don’t live rural. If proximity to stores and stuff is a concern, & you have that while still being rural, then I would go for it.
Any tips on how to regain some energy while breastfeeding? My daughter is almost 4 months old and exclusively breastfeeds. I get a decent amount of sleep at night (7 hours?), but it seems like every time I sit down to nurse her my head is bobbing and I’m nodding off. With my first born, I think I just napped and that solved it. But now he’s an active preschooler who doesn’t nap, and I just don’t get that extra rest any more. I take a daily vitamin. Could I need some more iron?
Joann & PJ,
I could have written your post last summer. We were having big time problems with our then 12 year old daughter. They started early (like 3-4), but got much worse last summer.
We started counseling in August after a fit that left her door in splinters and I scared myself by how angry & abusive I could have been if I had let myself.
What I’ve learned over the course of the (almost) year is that I have to keep in control no matter what. That sounds simplistic, but she knows every button to push with me & I would over punish because I was SO MAD!!! (spank, over ground, yell & scream) When things are calm, figure out progressive punishments & make them very clear to your child while they are calm. (take away privileges, possessions, opportunities, tv, computer time….find the things that matter to THEM. It took me a few days of brainstorming to figure out a sequence that would work & we’ve “tweaked” it a few times. She also would have fits at home but was angelic to everyone else. It also helped to reach out to friends and family. Even though it was embarassing, I told her that she needed prayers more than she needed a spotless reputation. She was very angry that I let people know, but she needed to know that we would not be keeping it a “secret” anymore & that she was accountable for her own behaviour. If she didn’t want people to know about her latest fit, she needed to not have it. I needed the support of other people to help me to make it through.
It’s such an irrational thing, these fits. I feel like I understand your pain so much. Consistancy & calmness. That is my motto. If I don’t allow myself to get worked up, she can’t excalate. Looking at the times that the fits happened helped me to realize it happened when she was “disappointed”. Friend problems, something between siblings she didn’t think was “fair” on her part, me being distracted & her feeling that she didn’t have enough attention…She never really learned how to handle disappointment. While I, as the adult, know that those are not excuses for the level of behaviour that followed, she had to learn how to control herself. The counseling has helped, but I feel like her counseler has, at times, been too easy on her. I have been very consistent in the consequences. The other side of the coin is that you reward the times that you see them controlling themselves, even if they are very small. It is A LOT of hard work. Some days I don’t feel like noticing when she spills milk & doesn’t go CRAZY, but that is what makes all the difference. She has to see where the positive lies & where the negative lies.
There are times that I go take a shower & cry buckets. Then I have to come out & be cool as a cucumber. In my opinion, if we don’t solve this RIGHT NOW, her teenage years are going to be Hell. She needs to handle her emotions now before someone offers her a drug that masks the problems she has really well. (in the most negative way!!)
Things have not been perfect. She still has a tendancy to rage every now & then, but the difference truly lies in how I handle it.
Hope this helps. I will keep you both in my daily prayers, as I know the struggle this is.
Defiant children – My kids are still pretty young but I recommend “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Excellent! She goes through your child’s temperament and things that can be specific to spirited kids. I found out that my oldest is very sensitive – small wet spots on shirts or pants drive him crazy or tags on shirts, if socks aren’t on quite right, etc. She has a lot of characteristics to consider and I think it helped me a lot to realize where my kids are coming from – much easier to be patient with a kid who is really sensitive about tags if you realize they are first.
Dr. Popkin also has one called “Taming Your Spirited Child” but I didn’t find that book to be quite as thorough. Maybe it’s a good first start but you will find absolutely everything in Kurcinka’s book.
Quick picnic lunches – I had a recipe for small chicken caesar salad wraps (chicken or turkey, lettuce, black olives, etc. with caesar dressing) or pasta dishes (cold with parmesan and tomatoes, other cheese, carrots, etc.)
Hi Dr. Moms,
She did have runny nose/congestion last week and this week. Doctor says ear infection and that the lymph node is swollen. He checked all other lymph nodes and they are fine. She seems a little more swollen this morning, but not angry red or anything. We have had MANY ear issues around here, but never a “let’s scare mom swollen jaw/behind the ear” issue. Have any of your kids?
I took my 2 year old to the dr. yesterday because her left jaw and behind her ear was swollen. She has been fussy (her whole life) but a little more lately.
Thanks and God bless you all!
Tina D-
Your doc, if so inclined, can start with antibiotics right away. You should know that 1/3 of the people with Lymes will not show a positive on the test (too few markers) – at least that is what our doctor said. If there are signs – bullseye mark, achiness, lethargy and/or flu like symptoms – it is supposed to be best to treat, even if test isn’t taken. I’m not trying to scare you — in fact, having to wait a month for treatment isn’t bad, at all. It is long term, untreated Lymes that is bad. One other thing, when I had it the initial 3 week course of anitbiotics really seemed to do the trick (I was treated w/in 1 1/2 months of bite), but 2 weeks after meds were done, symptoms were back – a second course of meds were needed. The degree of lethagy it causes is extreme. They say the muscle pain is too, but I can’t attest to it because I would have attributed any to my MD.
Sleep issues -
If your d/h snores loud enough to wake you, he may have a medical condition that can actually be a serious problem called sleep apnea. My husband’s snoring in a king size bed still woke me.
Therese –
Praise be to God! How absolutely wonderful!!!
Danielle –
If Kateri would be interested, you might want to click over to my blog — the other day we got pictures of two female horses in a field with their young foals.
Peace. ~~~mary
I grew up the oldest of 8. 5 Teen girls at one time with one victorian bath– no shower
We nearly killed each other but now are inseparably. My mother tried every trick in the book but growing up was the only thing that helped. My dad did turn the attic into bedrooms and make himself a hideaway in the basement and extend the living room into the porch area. But everytime the house got bigger another kid showed up and the rest of us grew.
Now we have a similar house. The 2 boys have the attic. Of the 4 bedrooms 1 has 2 girls, one has 3, The last room is the toy room. What we need more of is closets. Someone without daughters put up tringular corner closets is 2 rooms.
I hate cleaning bathrooms so 1 1/2 is plenty for me. We love having a mudpoprch in the back and a big entrance area in the front.
Joann: One of my friends adopted and had similar problems to your child. It turned out to be attachment disorder. The child is convinced they aren’t lovable and the next time they are difficult their parents will finally confirm that they don’t love the child. The child acts out to get it over with. It extremely difficult to diagnose and the first symptom is angry, frustrated parents! The child is wonderful elsewhere. They found a group of specialists in Worcester, MA who were psychologists and psychiatrists who had the problem after adopting. It worth ruling out because the necessary therapy works best if started early.
Sleeping: have your husband get a physical! We found DH’s poor sleep was due to multiple, controllable issues with allergies, his stomache, etc.
Praying for all those who aren’t well.
Red, you sound like you’re living my life!!! I really have worked on myself much more than my daughter and that has made a huge difference with the number of outbursts and the length and severity. I do worry like crazy about when she gets older, sometimes thinking about that makes me it worse for the here and now so I try to focus on each little babystep. What impact does your daughter have on her siblings and how does she do in school? Do you homeschool or does she attend a bricks & mortar school? Our children attend a Catholic school that our daughter is doing well at and she is very bright, but sometimes I think she’s working so hard at keeping it together, that her performance doesn’t always reflect her ability. Again in the future, I’m afraid this will catch up with her. Our oldest child is less than 2 years older than the child I’ve been writing about, and she is very sensitive to her sister’s outbursts. She has commented on how much better things have gotten, but sometimes it is like walking on eggshells to keep E from blowing up and upsetting H. Do you experience this? How do you take care of yourself with all of this? It is so mentally and physically draining. And of course my soon to be 5 year old seems a lot like my 9 year old so I’m trying to learn to not make the mistakes with him that I did with his sister. Glad to connect with you!!
Perhaps you’ve answered this before, but how to you pronounce Kateri’s name??
Hi. How do you know when you are in need of help? I mean, how do you know if it is just a normal overwhelmed mom or something more that needs help with maybe a shrink or something else? I am a mom of 6 small children, I homeschool and our oldest is starting 2nd grade. My family is not around, there are no at home moms in my neighborhood. I join a few groups here and there but am wiped out to do anymore.
I cry very often, by myself in my bathroom, so the children do not hear me all the time. My husband knows my status and does what he can to help me but all that is not enough. I want to run away and get away for a while- not a few hours-more like days or a week. I need sleep. I need peace and quiet. I need serenity.
Thanks.
Amy V-
My son had this and it turned out to be MONO. He was only 6 at the time and very nervous and scared b/c he also had an enlarged spleen. I would ask my doc about mono – easy test to find out.
We are a family of 7 living in a 1700 square foot home. Our basement is good enough for storage, but not living space. Sometimes it floods. We do not have an attached garage for boots or other outdoor gear. With that said, we live quite comfortably. We have 4 bedrooms ranging in size from 10×11 to 12×12 (feet). One for us parents, one for the two girls, one for the two boys and one for the baby and/or guest. Currently we have a crib and full size futon in that room, along with my ironing supplies and other storage in the closet. If I could build my dream home, it wouldn’t be much bigger – maybe 2000 sq. ft. Closet space is important, don’t skimp there. A very workable kitchen and large dining area is important. We have a 4 person table in the kitchen (makes it a little cramped) and a large table in the dining/living room area. The dining area is used as our school room as well. Basically, anywhere is “certified as a schoolable area”. We do have a VERY large mudroom, entry area. Lots of space for boots, coats, etc. It’s also our main entry which means it’s not always suitable for company, but it’s what we have and we have to make do. So I would definitely recommend a large mudroom, especially if you live a rural/farm life. Everyone has barn coats, play coats, town/church coats as well as boots and shoes in each category. With sports or other gear specific hobbies, lots of stuff can accumulate in the mudroom. We have 1 1/2 baths. I like it this way. I would rather coordinate bath times than clean more bathrooms. I find with a smaller home practical is all that matters. We are very careful about what we bring into our home, which makes it easier to clean and pickup at the end of the day. Good luck with your building endeavor.
We live a rural life and have ticks on us everyday (just crawling) no matter what type of insect repellant we use. Weekly someone has a tick stuck somewhere on their body and so far no one with Lyme Disease. I would be aware and watch the area, but no need to freak out and worry yourself to death.
Tina – My mother contracted Lyme disease from a tick last summer. She was on a rafting trip in MI and within a week of her return had such swelling in her joints that it was painful to move her arms and walk. She was convinced she had Lyme disease as a result of her own Internet diagnosis! She recalled pulling something out of her hair but never actually saw the tick and never had any other visible signs. Sure enough she tested positive for Lyme disease (within two weeks of the “bite”). They immediately started her on a 60 day course of anitbiotics. She felt better within 2-3 days and has not had any recurring issues. They key really seems to be early treatment. She also had to do follow up with the Center for Disease Control since they keep statistics on tick transmitted diseases – if that’s the right label. Of course, the chances of your child having Lyme disease are extremely slim, but worth checking out with a doctor.
Joann & Red – It is uncanny the similarities in our children. I have to laugh over the Disney experience – we have been there! We feel like we try so hard to provide good experiences for our son but they never work out as we imagine. Our trip to Disney was a disaster for our son but as time passes, he actually says fond things about the trip. My husband and I look at each other and ask “Who is this?” Once the “fit” is over, all returns to relative normalcy for an unknown length of time. He also hates to get a drop of water on his clothes! We have kept most of his behavior a secret from the family. We want them to treat him the same as his brother and not blame him for the stress he’s creating in our family. He had his First Communion this weekend and getting him dressed in a suit was a disaster! When we arrived at the church the whole family was already there and wanted to congratulate him. I asked that they go ahead and get seated since it had been a rough morning. They were all shocked. It’s time to let them see a bit of what we’ve been dealing with but I still don’t want them to treat him differently. Yes, I’m trying to protect him and I don’t want him labeled! The meltdown didn’t really happen until he went to spend some of his First Communion money. Happily selected an item, regretted it an hour later, cried hysterically about his waste of money, said he hopes the store gets shut down, insisted that if he gets any more money he’d destroy it and then threatened to ruin his First Communion gifts when we got home. His final statement was that I didn’t love him and told him everyday that I didn’t care about him. WHAT? I remained calmed the whole time and reassured him that I loved him but it was devastating to hear. We are a very affectionate family and tell him repeatedly that we love him, he’s special, etc. We don’t know where we went wrong! We are working on it and spend special time with him everyday but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Once we got home he was fine. My husband knew something was up when I asked him to immediately collect his gifts and put them in our room. He never actually follows through any of the threats he puts out there when he’s angry, but I wasn’t taking any chances! He seems to mostly threaten things that he knows will push our buttons and he knew how important First Communion was to us. We also have a five year old son who we want to make sure doesn’t go down the same path. I feel like I’ve devoted my life to be a stay at home mom and haven’t done a very good job. It’s been a struggle for a few years but has gotten worse in the last few months. I’ve cried more in the last two months than the last ten years combined. We are faithful and know that God has a plan for our son! We are never going to give up on him! We are doing the best we can and are looking to outside help. Maybe if it doesn’t help my son it will help myself or another member of the family. I will pray for all families with similar experiences!
Veronica, we have 4 boys in two sets of bunk beds in a 10-14 room. One of the bunks is a double on the bottom. It’s tight, but do-able. What we really need is more closet space–just a tiny closet for the 4 boys is tough. They keep very little in their rooms besides clothes and a few personal belongings (no computer, tv, phone, etc.)
May–I think you do need help. I was where you were–and still are to some extent–no family near-by to help, no close friends. It does help now that I don’t have little ones, but even still, I finally went to a dr. last December and started on medication. I’m glad I did. Just go see your family doctor, or even ob–he/she can point you in the right direction. A “shrink” may not be necessary–just some medication to help you over the hump.
If you need a “virtual” friend to talk to, vent with, etc. I would be glad to help. Tell Danielle, and maybe she can connect the two of us via e-mail. I wish I had done something sooner, so that I would have more pleasant memories of my children’s younger years. Danielle, if you have access to my e-mail, you are welcome to give it to May so she can contact me.
Mary
Carolyn A:
Have you had your thyroid checked? After my third child, I found that even though I was getting plenty of sleep, I was still exhausted all day. I figured it was just keeping up with the kids, breastfeeding, homekeeping, etc. so I never went to the doctor. Then, my husband came home one day to find me sound asleep with my youngest while my 3 yo. colored the walls, floor, herself, with my lipsticks. He insisted I go to the doctor which is where I found out I had a severely underactive thyroid. Good luck, you are in my prayers.
To the friend of those with a sick / dying child
I do not think that any book could be helpful in this area. I had a daughter who was stillborn a few years ago .Though I know it isn’t quite the same situation, The last thing I wanted was a well meaning friend handing me a book. A couple friends and family members did and I tried to be as gracious as I could at the time but honestly I had no interest and never did read them. I think in this situation all you can do is be there and maybe do the little things, like fix a meal , offer to do laundry , or other little things that they may need but not have the energy to do. In this case it sounds like the parents are probably at the hospital with their child almost constantly. How about stopping by a restaurant or even a fast food place that they like and taking them dinner to the Hospital. I have had children in the hospital ( never really this critical) and getting away to the cafeteria in the hours that it is open can be tough. Many parents end up not eating or grabbing junk out of vending machines. I am sure that there are a million other things that would be helpful too. You probably want to stay away from the ” call me if you need anything” line. Just look for a need and do.
sleeping with husband issues
I would like to suggest that you talk to your husband about a sleep test. I was in the same boat until my husband was diagnosed and treated for sleep apnea and restless leg. Now he takes his Requip , puts his V-Pap mask on and sleeps peacefully without moving. I wish I had known about sleep disorder clinics earlier
For Parents of Defiant Children,
Boy did I have one a few years ago. He did nothing in school, no class work, no homework. no notes, nothing. When he came home he would sneak into whatever he could. He broke my husbands model train collection and many other things in the house, refused to do anything that he was told, etc. We tried it all we did counseling which was about worthless . The counselor had us see a psychiatrist who diagnosed ADD and Aspergers and gave us Adderall. The Adderall may have helped a little but not to the extent that we needed it to. When he failed all of his classes three years ago we were at wits end and went back to the psychiatrist. He mentioned a diversion plan which was like voluntary( for the parents not the kids) parole. He seen a diversion officer once a week, then she would speak to me after. With my son, we ended up finding out that with the ADD and Aspergers he was unable to concentrate at school in classes of forty to fifty students so he just gave up. The frustration that he constantly had also made him “not care” at home. The way that we got him back on track was first off an IEP at school. Getting this implemented was honestly harder than dealing with my son but the help of the diversion officer is what really got the school moving.My son is now in classes with no more than twenty students . As for the behavior at home, we just used plain old punishment consistently. I have to admit that we did spank him for misbehavior( The diversion officer and the Psychiatrist knew ) but other punishments might work too if you don’t spank. I remember the day that I knew we were getting somewhere . My son came home from school and set down to do his homework. He told me that he planned to clean his room when he was done and was not going to be a ” pain in my butt” anymore because he was tired of being punished .I am proud to say that now this son ( only a few years later) is an honor role student, off the Adderall completely and though not perfect ( what fifteen year old boy is) he is a pleasure to have around.
As for defiant children, there is something that helped me tremendously. I have six children, and one of my daughter’s likes to push my buttons and stir things up among the family. I know that reading another book can be a pain, but learning about the classic four temperaments has changed everything for me. I read The Temperament God Gave You by Art and Laraine Bennett and Personality Plus for Parents by Florence Littauer. Both of these books describe the temperament that my daughter has, the strong willed type. It made so much sense to me and I learned how to deal with her and now my daughter is so much happier now. Another thing I discovered about this temperament is that they have a need to be kept busy and active, so I help her find lots of things to do in the summer. It can be hard to do all of this, though. Even if these books don’t address your issue, you can learn so much from them about understanding yourself and others, too.
I was one of those defiant-only-at-home tween/teens. It was at its worse between 10 and 14. I never went to counseling, and I don’t honestly think it would have helped. What I have reflected on about it over the years is that it was a control issue for me. At home, I felt like I had no control over anything. No choices really to make on my own. And if I failed to do something (Chose to forget), my parents would get upset and do it themselves. I agree that consistencey in a parent’s reaction is very important in these situations, and a parent keeping her cool is paramount, otherwise the defiant kid feels like they are finally gaining some control at home by making mom (or dad) lose it. In outside activities, sports, babysitting, school, clubs, I felt more responsible because I had specific responsibilities and the ability to make decisions about things. At home, I felt there were just rules I had to abide by and I really resented not being asked for input, allowed to make decisions, etc. I’m not assuming your homes are overly controlling–my parents never thought theirs was, but to my way of thinking at that age, it was. My advice would be to share control when it doesn’t really matter so much to you, so that you can exercise your control when it does matter. Pick your battles and you will find you have far fewer battles to fight when you share control of your child’s life with your child. Rather than trying to control them, let them have more control over themselves. And I did end up turning out pretty good, despite the bedroom door with a hole kicked in it that I had to live with for several years as a daily reminder of how out of control my behavior had gotten… But these are reflections from someone who made her mom cry regularly as a young teen. I hope never to be on that other side of the fence. I can only imagine how difficult it must be!
Re: Fatally Ill Child – There are only two resources that I know of off hand. There is a book by the title, A Grief Unveiled, by Gregory Floyd. I saw the author on the show “The Abundant Life”, the hostess of the show lost her son and was reading it and had him on the show. The author wrote the book after losing one of his children. It is written from a Catholic perspective.
The other book that comes to mind is for terminally ill patients and their care takers and family members. This one I also saw on EWTN’s “The Abundant Life”, it is written by a Catholic hospice nurse. It is called: Midwife For Souls: Spiritual Care For the Dying. I am not sure that is really applicable to the situation though. The author is Kathy Kalina and that one I know is available from Amazon.com.
I am not quite sure if Gregory Floyd’s book is available on Amazon.com but I know that it is defniitely available on Living His Life Abundantly’s website, http://www.lhla.org.
I hope you are able to get some good resources for your friend.
Jeannie
Therese:
It sounds like Lourdes came to you instead!
Please help!
I am in a very uncomfortable situation: my sister is having a party for her son, his first birthday party. She is having it at her house, which she shares with her live-in boyfriend. My daughter, who loves her little cousin, wants to go, and I’m inclined to let her as she (1) thinks they are married and (2) is too young for me to explain that they are not OR to explain why I wouldn’t want her to go.
I have decided I will not attend; my husband can’t anyway (prior commitment), and that I will keep my slightly older son–who KNOWS the facts of life and that she is unmarried–with me and our youngest child.
I don’t want to come across as uncharitable or judging/condemning my sister and her boyfriend (although I just listened to Fr. Corapi say that there is a HUGE difference between condeming someone–which none of us can or should do–and disagreeing with objectively immoral behavior) and I know I have a responsibility as a parent to do the right thing regarding my children.
I’m just not sure what the right thing is. I think I know, and I want to be strong and courageous and lovingly say why we aren’t going to attend…but I’m really having a hard time with this. My parents are going to be there, and possibly some other family members.
What do I do? Do I let me middle daughter go? Or not? Do I tell my sister why? Or just give my legit excuse for why I (and my husband) will not be there? I can say that if she was holding it at a “neutral” site, I would go. But the issue (for me) is that she is having it at their house, and they are unmarried.
Much thanks for any opinions and suggestions……
For the mom building a house-is this your ultimate dream house (ie. where you plan to live until your children are out of high school) or is it a starter place? If you are planning to live there for the next 15 years or so, it might be worth it to build enough rooms so that when your children are teenagers they can have their own rooms.
When they are younger, of course, you can have them share rooms and the extra rooms could be used as a guest room or a library or the computer room. I think, though, as kids become teenagers it’s important for them to have a space to be alone and on their own, while still being part of the family.
Also, it may be possible to build a basement into your house that you wouldn’t necessarily develop completely at this point but where as your kids get older they may be able to construct rooms that give them a modicum of privacy.
KATE-ER-EE
Lauri w/son marrying -
I would have thought a novena to the Holy Family would be nice to do, yet the internet posting indicate that the novena to St. Joseph is the way to go. The one I liked best for what it says (the site is nothing spectacular, but the prayer is very nice) is:
http://www.catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p00006.htm
It allows you to meditate on the different roles of St. Joseph which leads one to meditate on the different roles the couple will be taking on.
Best Wishes!
Defiant Children…
I must admit I was a defiant youth myself, but I often blamed it on my bad family situation and things did improve some after my parents finally divorced and that negative influence was removed from our home. I definitely pick my battles with all of my children so when I say No, they know I mean it and won’t budge. My mom insists I’m not controlling or stern enough with my daughter (she ran a tight ship which I feel also fueled my rebellion), and I am more laid back and not as structured as she probably needs, but again I’m trying to reach a happy medium. We have tried spanking with her, when she was younger, and it did absolutely no good so we stopped. I present choices as often as I can, even if it’s “if you don’t brush your teeth before school, no media time after school” and she will calmly choose to not brush, until she comes home and I enforce it and she may go into a tantrum, even though it was “her choice”. And often, it doesn’t matter what the punishment or negative choice she has, she will take it rather than do what I ask or even what she needs to do ~ like brush her teeth! She is my child who has missed going to parties because she refused to do something, knowing that would be the consequence. She really is a sweet child and can be the most generous and sensitive of our bunch, but it’s like this other side of her just takes over sometimes. We’ve had her evaluated for bipolar, ODD and ADHD/ADD, none of which she has been diagnosed with although she shows some strong characteristics of the ODD and ADD. One struggle we have is that she is a lazy child by nature so trying to get her interested in things other than the TV and computer is hard. She plays sports and enjoys them a lot and likes to play with her friends, but I can’t have every minute of her day scheduled and planned so she doesn’t have down time ~ I feel that is important to kids too!! Luckily, her behavior hasn’t affected her schooling much at this point. School is very important to her and she does do her homework without pressure and stress, Yeah!! Of course, when everything else is falling apart with her, I focus on the most important item that she maintaining!! I have read a couple personality type books and they are very helpful. They were helpful for my husband and I to see what we are like and how to approach each other differently. Does anyone have any systems or things they do in the summer to keep things on track? My sister, the child psychologist, recommends a reward system with stickers/beads/chips/etc., but I honestly have a hard time keeping up with those and we tried one last summer, and it didn’t seem to work well for her. She got the least rewards and didn’t care!!!! And they were items she really wanted. Thanks for all the feedback and support. That is something hard to find.
Kristi, I have heard it pronounced a few different ways but I go by Ka (like you are saying the first part of cat) and then Teary (like you get teary eyed at Hallmark commercials). I have been informed by a few *concerned* individuals over the years that I pronounce my name wrong. But if it is my name, how can I be pronouncing it wrong? and I did not give it to myself. My husband is British and when he says it with his accent, it is beautiful!
My dear friend says her daughters name Kah (with the a sounding like the a in father) Terry (just like the stand alone name only ith a msmidge more ooph on the i sound at the end.)
Ok, well this answer is beginning to sound more like a lecture on how to make the watch rather than telling you the time.
Kateri
That should read only with a smidge more ooph on the i at the end.
Sorry.
Just wondering if anyone has seen the movie Juno, and what you thought of it?
Sleeping with Husband – Sounds like me. Neither my husband or I enjoy sleeping together. It isn’t that we don’t enjoy each other, it’s just that we both can’t sleep well in bed together. It’s odd, because I co-sleep with our babies when they are small and am able to sleep but not next to my husband. He likes piles of blankets while I don’t, he snores a little and I need silence, and he doesn’t like anyone pressing up agaisnt him. So we have solved it by sleeping in different beds and it works for us. There are “visits” to each others beds at times, of course. There was a discussion about this on another board once and you would be amazed at how many married couples actually do not sleep together. As long as your marriage is good and the reason you choose to sleep apart is only because you honestly can’t sleep next to someone then I see no problem sleeping seperatly. Sleeping together caused more problems in our marriage than sleeping apart does – we are now well rested and not cranky towards one another.
To “Anonymous in a quandry”
I am a devout Catholic, but by no means am I an expert on every moral situation. That being said, I think you should all go to the birthday party.
The party is to celebrate the birth of your nephew, whose life was a gift from God, no matter how he was conceived.
If this event was a wedding, and they were not getting married in a Catholic Church (or at least with a Catholic priest present) then you would be obliged to skip it.
The difference between these two events is that if you attended the non-Catholic wedding of your Catholic sister, you are saying you agree with what is going on, and that you support it (which is why you can’t go).
However, with the birthday party of your nephew, your attendance is merely saying that you are celebrating his life.
I think theere is nothing wrong with letting your sister know (delicately and lovingly) how you feel about her cohabitation before marriage at somepoint, but your nephew’s birthday party is not the time to do it.
As you know, we are called to speak the Gospel, and mostly through our own behavior. I pray that your sister will one day realize that your life is happy and blessed, and look into her own heart to see the differences between the way you both live your lives, then come to the same conclusion.
I hope this made sense, I fear I was rambling a bit…
May– I agree with Mary! Yes get help. It is really scary I know but change can happen.
In the mean time get a Mother’s helper from a confirmation class or scout troop or local college. You get a walk while she finds a way to wear them out for a nap.
Sanity is a precious gift that we cannot take for granted.
*Is my son gay?*
Hi all-
Has anyone had any struggles w/their young son leaning toward the feminine side? My son (now 6) has had some on and off tendencies since he was about three. Whenever I brought this up with family, friends, drs, etc. I was told that it was “normal” and I shouldn’t worry about it. (OR–”if he’s gay, he was BORN that way and there’s nothing you can do but accept it.”)
My son used to insist he was a girl and now only does it occasionally. Now he knows how much it bothers us. He doesn’t play w/dolls or wear dresses, but then again I don’t have daughters so he doesn’t have access to this stuff. However, in homes w/daughters he goes straight for the girly stuff. He also is just feminine in his mannerisms, play and speech. He would mostly rather play w/girls than boys. He’s just plain different from other boys. Sometimes I think I see a change, though, and wonder if this will pass. But it still haunts me. I think I don’t want to deal w/it b/c it’s so uncomfortable and scary to me.
Last year I saw a show on EWTN that addressed this exactly and I sought out one of the docs on the show b/c he’s local. I couldn’t get in w/him but one of his other docs and it was just not a good match for us. We actually didn’t feel we were treated fair but it had nothing to do w/the treatment. (It was very expensive and we were left waiting well into our time slot for another patient, so we paid for 20 mins more than we got.)
Anyway, as a happily married couple we really feel that we’re doing all we can. My husband is a great dad and very involved w/our boys. I’m reading “bringing up boys” by Dobson and also a book called “Preventing Homosexuality.” These books, however, terrify me b/c I think its a reality I don’t want to deal with. We do not fit the typical mold of a boy acting out b/c his father is absent, etc. I think we might need to seek out the original doc we wanted to see, but my husband isn’t sure that we should spend hundreds of dollars for a doc to tell us what we already know–that he needs to do what he’s already doing.
Sorry for the long post. My hands are shaking as I type this. It’s such a touchy issue. Many people might be angered by this and its not popular to thing that “gay” is wrong. But as a Catholic mama, I want to do all I can do to prevent this lifestyle for my son.
Any advice would be graciously appreciated
~Worried Mama
Rural vs Suburban/urban living – I moved away from the suburbs of Chicago to live in a rural town in Wisconsin. We thought it would be fun & interesting – something different, like LIttle House on the Prairie. Well. let me tell you, it was two of the most miserable years in my life. I hated living in a town with only 1 church, 1 grocery store, 1 gas station etc. Everything was royally inconvenient. Our Target was 25 minutes a way. The “good” grocery store was 45 minutes away. Even our doctor was a half hour away. It was virtually impossible to “break into” the community, since most folks had lived there forever and weren’t that interested in making new friends. I would never advise city folk (born & raised) to haul their lives to a rural setting. Rent a cottage a couple times a year instead! It is really hard to actually live out in the middle of nowhere!. The few up sides I can name 1) beautiful 2) no traffic 3) simple (no/few choices in churches, restaurants, stores etc.) When we first moved back to “civilization” my husband would complain about the traffic and I would remind him that the reason there was no traffic in xyz town where we used to live was because there were no people and there wasn’t anywhere to go! Interestingly, our city family loved to visit us on our acreage and still talk about how beautiful Wisconsin is and how they wish we still lived there. Of course they do! They never had to LIVE there. They just got to benefit from the country beauty.
Reading about all the defiant behaviors is a reminder to me that I am not alone in this. My daughter is 11 and going through an especially difficult time and this is all taken out on me. She is a sensitive child by nature. We are making a move this summer and it is causing her many concerns. It doesn’t help that my husband has been living apart from us for 6 months soon to be reunited with the move to New England. I understand that all this is very stressful to her. Thanks for the reminder to keep control of my own emotions during the tantrums. Sometimes I forget this as I am quite stressed myself. As I mentioned in an earler post. We are trying to decide on a house (rural vs neighborhood). One of my biggest concerns is my daughter and her needs. She has always had a best friend close by and has a real need for close friendships. We have been lucky in that her friends have always been good influences, never a problem. I know that at she will make new friends. I just don’t know how easy that will be for her if her friends live miles away and not out her back door
Well put Colleen Martin. I fully agree.
All,
I am so glad I took the chance to ready the comments today. It does help so much to know that I’m not alone in the “battles” with my now 8 year old daughter. Last night’s shower time ended up with me putting her in a cool (not cold!) shower with all her clothes on because she refused to get undressed and start. (Yes, I lost it, then locked myself in my room and cried.) This was after she threw a battery-operated toothbrush at me.
I have asked for recommendations for counselors from my pediatrician, they don’t take the insurance or only accept children for in-patient treatment if they are a danger to themselves or others. (not ready to commit my 8 year old) All the doctor’s I called that accept my insurance, either are not accepting new patients or do not accept patients unter 10. I even contacted the counselors at school, and met with the same results. I have tried to hide her behavior from the family, but this usually results in giving in to her demands. Recently, the tantrums have begun with my parents, who keep my children after school, so maybe it isn’t just me.
I know that part of the issue is that her father is at the end of a six-month overseas deployment, but we can’t live with Daddy being the only one she listen’s too. I’m still searching for answers.
As for the snoring, spinning husband – I have one of these as well. When he’s congested, I usually sleep on the couch. Our solution to the tossing and turning was a Temperpedic matress. You know the commercial where they put the glass of wine on the bead and the lady jumps and it doesn’t spill? It works. I cannot feel him move, even getting in and out of the bed. It’ doesn’t solve the snoring though, sorry.
M
May,
Please find some reliable babysitting help. I had a nervous breakdown after our fifth child was born (our oldest was almost 7). I did not homeschool but it was during the summer months when my youngest was born. My husband (praise be to God) called a nanny agency, paid what seemed like an exhorbidant fee) and we found (after 4 interviews), a wonderful 21 yr old part time nanny. She worked for us until my youngest started kindergarten. Our lives changed dramatically for the better once she started. I was able to take a nap during the day while she played with the older children outside or took them to the playground. She had her own car and at times, would drive the children to their activities and pick them up from playdates and school. Yes, it stretched us financially to do this and I know that I was very blessed to have help, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and fix your problem. You are the only mother that your children have and you have to be well for them.
RE: BABY SLING
I just ordered the hotsling baby sling. Does anyone have this and do you like it? I have heard good things from some other people.
May –
I would definitely speak with your doctor about your blues/depression. There may be something biological to it. I also agree with Susan. Get some regular baby sitting help. One place you can look for some help is on sittercity.com Finally, not to be poly-ann-ish, but are you getting any exercise? When I was in the thick of young children hell, I MADE myself take a walk or attend a morning exercise class before my husband left for work. It was an exercise of the will, because I certainly didn’t feel like exercising – but what a difference that effort made.
Amy, I love my Hotsling.
Melissa with the 8 year old daughter driving her nuts and the deployed husband: military? there are plenty of FREE resources for military families. Please call Military OneSource at 1-800-342-9647. They also have a website: http://www.militaryonesource.com. Email me if you have questions.
May – have you considered sending your oldest to school next year? I am a big fan of home schooling, but personally felt great relief when my daughter (completing 3rd grade) went to school last year. It wouldn’t mean that you’d never home school again – just not for next year. It could give you a well deserved break.
Re: quandry
I heard Dr. Ray Guarendi address a similar question on his call-in show on Catholic radio. Dr. Ray is a Catholic psychologist who gives some sound parenting advice from a Catholic perspective.
I remember two things he said in his answer. 1) If you alienate this person by not going, how will you ever influence her to someday do the right thing? By remaining in her life you may be able to influence her by your words and actions that are done out of love. 2) As another commenter mentioned, the party is in honor of the child. It would be different if the parents were having a party to celebrate their moving in together- in that case you’d be right to not attend.
For the children that are too young to understand, it won’t matter. For the older children, you might use the opportunity to talk to them beforehand about why cohabitation is sinful, but that you still love them and want to help them celebrate the child’s birthday.
Sleep w/ Husband – DH and I sleep in a full size bed and often have the same problems. DH has a big build and is 7″ taller than I. He also sleeps with a body pillow (and when pregnant, I do too!), which leaves very very little room in the bed. In fact, I occasionally get bonked on the head with his arm as he turns over. We are hoping to get a king sized bed eventually. But have you tried putting a “wall” of pillows down the middle of the bed? Maybe that will help…. Otherwise, I just have to get him to roll over when his snoring wakes me up. Has your DH tried Breathe Right brand strips like the football players wear? I hear that can really help with snoring probs. Good luck!
Rural life for the city born and raised- We do not live in the country, as I am not quite ready for that step, but we are in a rural area. Is the question wether to live in a neighborhood in a small town VS living in the country (i.e. just outside a small town?)
Where we live, we have about 2000 people (including all the farms around the city), 1 grocery store, 2 gas stations (1 is a 7-11). We are 1 1/2 hour drive from 4 different WalMarts (I suspect that there are few other places in this country that can boast that fact) and over a 3 hour drive to any sort of Target, mall, etc. You get used to it! Most of my friends live out in the country, we meet at least once a week and see each other at church. Kids who live out in the county tend to be very active…particularly those in the public schools…in all sorts of community events. I love living in a small town, and someday might like to move out into the country…but if you are moving to a rural area for the first time, I would probably recommend at least at first living in a town, getting to know the town and surrounding areas, probably renting a house and waiting a while to do anything permanent like buy a house.
possibly Gay son-the recommendation that I have heard that might be useful is making sure that your hubby and your son have some things they like to do together. I’m guessing that a lot of traditional manly things might not appeal to your son…but have your hubby keep trying to get him interested in something more manly. Maybe fishing, geo-caching, woodworking, camping, hiking, car repair…whatever it is that might catch your son’s interest. Take this advice with a grain of salt, though, as I have two daughters! However, a family friend has similar issues, although she is not concerned as she feels that he was just “born that way”…he loved (I had most exposure to him at age 5-6, so I don’t know if he has grown out of some of these) princesses and girls clothes, and dancing and singing and performing…but he also LOVED cars and asked everyone about what kind of car they drove (and white was not a good enough answer for him) so, I could see an area where he could start to bond with his dad…if his parents were interested in that sort of thing.
Birthday party for nephew-I agree with the philosophy that the party is about your nephew and not about your nephew’s parents not being married. I don’t see how you refusing to come to your nephew’s party in protest of their living in sin is going to bring your sister and her boyfriend to the truth, or even make them think twice about their situation. They’ll probably think of you as judgemental instead. If you do not want to attend, don’t…but I really wouldn’t tell your family that you would’ve attended had it been at a neutral location. Just graciously say that you cannot attend, and leave it at that. I know how you feel, though, as one of my SILs lived with her boyfriend and we had a lot of concerns as to how to deal with the situation with our children.
majellamom -
Some favs for us have been – deviled eggs, string cheese, hummas and pita bread, wraps (they make a large variety of tortilla flavors), veggie sticks, tomatoes and ranch, olives and pickles, bottles of water. Happy picnicing
majellamom–
Thanks so much for your input. I was wondering if you’ve seen this son of your family friend lately, and if so, if he’s still the same or has “grown out of it.” I’m desperately searching for someone who’s been through this and had a positive outcome.
My hubby is always outside w/my son throwing a ball around, building stuff (hubs a general contractor) and such. Sometimes our son wants to do this and sometimes he doesn’t. I think when there are more athletic boys around is when he tends to shy away b/c he feels like he doesn’t measure up. He was on a soccer team and just felt like he didn’t quite fit in with the other boys.
Also worth mentioning, our son is extremely bright–started reading at the age of three and is the same way with cars–too funny! He remembers everything and is great w/details. Sometimes i wonder if this maturity makes “boy play” undesirable to him and seeks out girls b/c he feels more on their level. Can you tell I’ve given this some thought over the years?
~Worried Mama
Susan/restless leg people -
I had restless legs for a long time. Off and on gorwing up and like crazy during pregnancies. I found that taking an iron suppliment got rid of them
I took it with a glass of oj or some form of vitamin c (which helps your body absorb the iron). HTH!
May – Like the others above, I think getting some help would be good. Often times as moms we tend to think we just have to deal with it or feel bad about admitting we need help. Hopefully you can find someone to talk to. The value of a friend is great. Also, if you are able to see an NFP doctor that would be great. Many times our struggles are related to our hormones getting out of whack and can really be easily taken care of. You could check the website below for some information and location of a doctor near you. You’re in my prayers.
http://www.popepaulvi.com
Anon – your post moves me greatly. What a terrifying cross that must be to always be watching for his behavior and wondering, was it too girly? Do other kids do that? etc. And I can recommend Courage, which is not only a Catholic website/organization for people with SSA who wish to live chastely and according to church teaching, but has lots of resources there, plus people you can contact and ask for help.
I’ve met both Fr. Harvey (who is recently retired) and Fr. Check (who was recently appointed to take over for Fr. Harvey) and they are both rock-solid, awesome priests and men. If you can get a message to them, I just know they’ll be able to steer you in the right direction. And I do know of another family similar to yours who did this and the help they received was vital and created long-lasting healing for their son.
Have you listened to Dr. Ray? He has a website drray.com ( i think) or dr.ray.com
) They have a great website. All boys. All boy stuff. All Catholic and awesome.
anyway, it comes in free to listen to his programs daily 1-2pm Eastern time on Ave Maria Radio. He is fabulous! I know he had callers call in (momsmostly) with the same deal, although I cannot remember what he said. Hope you get someone to talk wiht about it. Oh, how about a reliable priest? There is bound to be someone. I can only imagine your worries, but I am sure you are not the only one. Have hope-he is still so young. Make sure he and your husband does some real boy stuff and get really excited about it. Introduce him to a program called “ConQuest”-its a Catholic boys club from age 5-late teens and its awesome. (or start one!
God bless you.
Help with baby afraid of water
Hello all, I’m looking for some ideas regarding my 18 month old who is now terrified of baths and water in general. She used to like baths, although her baths have only been once a week since she was born due to very senisitive skin. Now, she is completely terrified. She cries with real tears and just clings to me. It is heartbreaking to give her a bath. We’ve had older siblings take a bath with her, tried bubbles and toys. Dad even got half way (fully dressed) in the tub holding her while I quickly cleaned her. We went to the movies yesterday with the kids. She was rowdy and restless so my husband left to walk home with her (a few blocks). It started to sprinkle on them and even that bit of water terrified her. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Babies and bathtime are usually so fun, I hate for her to struggle with this.
Thanks!
does anybody else try to not buy any made in china? what are your views on this? a good place to go for toys for younger children are:
http://oompa.com/
http://www.haba.de/
at oompa, you can go to the made in europe or usa section
Anon –
No. Your son is not gay.
As for personality and characteristics, I know both men who are effeminate and women who are masculine, and they are not gay.
I have heard boys say they are girls about themselves. Usually, they are told: “you’re so silly!” and the child laughs.
At my house, we have an inviting dollhouse with many accessories that both boys and girls flock to when they come over, and friends of ours with the same toy have had the same experience.
This article is called “Crafting Gay Children.” I think that you will find it very helpful and hopefully it will put your worries to rest.
http://www.defendthefamily.com/_docs/resources/6390601.pdf
Has anyone here recently lost a parent? My father passed away unexpectedly this past February and I think I am in a depression. I can function normally in public but I just don’t feel like doing things that I used to enjoy and find myself just holed up in the house while my children are at school during the day. I miss him terribly and know that he is in heaven. My mom is having a difficult time and as much as I try to be there for her, it’s really hard having to spend time with her sometimes. We both end up crying and I hate to see her so sad. When will I feel better? I have all these thank you letters to write and I just can’t make myself do it. This is so not like me because I am usually on top of stuff like this. I know that I’m grieving and that it’s normal, but what if it’s not just the grief and I’m heading somewhere else?
RE:PINWORMS
for all of you moms who are very fond of nature, I would like to ask if your kids ever get pinworms? I live in constant fear of this every spring/summer and feel like I hold my kids back from having to much fun in the dirt because of it. So far none of my kids have gotten them, but I had them twice as a little child. So – any pinworm stories out there?
Worried Mama -
Personally I think you are over reacting and may even be creating a problem where there is none. Most of the wonderful manly men I know either stink at sports or are average. How interested or skilled someone is at sports is NO indication of one’s sexual orientation. I’m not sure what you mean by girlish mannerism – but perhaps he just kind and gentle? Why can’t you accept him the way he is? So he’s not a “manly boy” – does it matter? really? Lots of boys grow up to be great chef’s, writers, artist and they are not gay. Try to relax and just love him for who he is.
WOW! i can’t believe I never asked this question and am so glad you did-thank you! we have the same problem with our baby who is 16 months old. Since he has been born, we have only done weekly to every week and a half- bath times too. But since he as about 3-4 months old, he started to scream, shake, tremble etc…. Thats right, he has been doing this for about a year. we have tried all those things you mentioned too. I have also put a basin with some water next to the tub and sit him in it. also the other sinks-kitchen sink etc… nothing helps out. i bathe him VERY fast-like under 1-2 mins and out he comes. it takes him a while to calm down too.
also, i have done all in my power to let him explore water wtih toys-in tub, out of tub, in kitchen, out on deck/porch, little pool (which he hates when its with water, but dry he loves to play in it?~!?~! )
My pediatric doc knows about this since it has started and he calls it “irrational fear’. b/c it does not make sense. after being in my womb-full of WATER!-you’d think he’d be use to it…but NO! so, his recommendation is to stay clear of baths as long as you can and do sponge baths. then, over time, he should start to forget about this fear he has and actually like baths.
I agree that it feels like torture-i kind of think it is in a way, but our children need to be cleaned. There is only so much that a sponge bath can clean-esp. for us, a boy. so i have not been that faitful to not give him baths for a while. oh well.
my hope is that he will realize w/his older siblings how fun water is now that he is older and its summer time. So, thats it. I guess time will tell.
BUT….I know what you are going through and I feel for you. Sorry no real advice from me but I am interested if anyone else has any
God bless you !
To all of the parents struggling with defiant children:
God bless you all for sharing! For so long, I hid it from everyone because I was ashamed of my parenting & how it related to the problem. These are kids who need our prayers!! Hiding their problems to protect their reputation & our own is not only not helping the problem, it makes it worse. It is about control & how much control do they have if we are too embarassed to even reach out for help!!
I think that for me part of the problem was that I had a rough childhood. I never wanted my children to struggle in anything. A dear friend of mine said it beautifully…a butterfly needs the struggle to survive. If it does not struggle it’s way out of the cacoon, it doesn’t build the muscle necessary to fly & dies very soon after emerging. By shielding our children from struggle, we are robbing them of the self confidence & character that helps them get through the struggles that they all eventually go through.
Reading through all of these posts has me in tears. We are SOOO not alone, & yet for so long struggle by ourselves because we think that we are.
I am in no way over the mountain yet. I still struggle almost daily, but am seeing all of the wonderful things that my daughter would only share with the outside world up until now. She is proud of herself. The other day she was talking about how far she’s come since last summer. A year ago, she thought it was all of us (her dad, me, & 3 brothers) that needed to change towards her, not the other way around.
She rarely did this in front of her dad. He’s a prince in her mind. The day that he witnessed (a pretty minor by her usual standards with me) fit, he was floored. he thought I was exagerating. Once he was on board & we could be united, it made all the difference.
Her brothers (younger) are very resentful of her. They still are. They are a tight pack, and she longs to be part of it. Slowly, but surely, they are getting closer. We have a long way to go here.
I dedicated her to Mary. In my weakest moment last year, I asked her to take over because I felt I was losing my love of her (I know that sounds terrible) and needed her to love her through me. That made a big difference. I find that I don’t lose my patience as easily anymore.
She was in public school through 6th grade. We moved her to a Catholic school for 7th grade because we didn’t think a regular middle school atmosphere would be good for her. It was absolutley the right decision for her. We are moving the boys there next year as well. Part of the reason everything hit the fan last summer is that all of her friends (most since Kindergarten) decided they hated her at the end of the year. When she told them she’d be changing schools, they just ditched her. It was devestating to her. She has made several very good friends this year & we are pleased because they have similar parental backgrounds and seem to share the same moral code that we have. (not so much while she was in elementary school)
Boy! I am writing a book! Sorry! If anyone would like to email me my address is friendandi@aol.com
Anonymous in a quandry,
In my opinion you are overreacting. Your sister is your sister no matter what sin (in your mind) she is committing.That aside this party is for your nephew, what sin has he committed ? I think that refusing to let your daughter go would be hurtful to both her and your nephew. Your sister and her live in would probably not care near as much. By the same token, I would not send your daughter by herself either. What message is that sending to the older child who realizes the truth. Additionally, how will your daughter be treated if you do cause a judgemental stir and send her anyway? You also say that all would be Ok if they just didn’t have it at their house,I don’t see what difference that would make. The house isn’t sinning.It isn’t like anything sinful would be going on during the party anyway. I really don’t mean to be harsh here but I think you should seriously think about what you are saying. If your Sister or nephew died the day after this party would you still feel the same about whatever choice you make ? Life is short and once a day is gone, you can’t get it back. Just something to think about.
Carolyn A – I’m like that too, a little. My 4 yo has “room time” every day – often I sleep in the next room and my younger ones nap- I need it to make it through the evening. Also I take this awesome stuff called Floradix from the health food store. A mom of 6 handed it to me out of her cupboard – God bless her! And it works. Also I use a dance dvd for exercise which helps.
May – I really feel for you….It is really hard, and I only have 3 kids and a good mom down the road. Perhaps there are some other ways your load could be lightened? Maybe you could take some time and pray over each of your major responsibilities and see what surfaces. It seems that most older mothers-of-many had some season or other where they got help – just nobody wants to admit it at the time! Also, again, exercise helps me a lot.
May –
I have to say I am already inspired by you dealing with 6 kiddos 8 and under! I have 2 under 2 and it’s pretty challenging. Do you ever have any time for yourself? I know it’s hard to get and you feel guilty when you do take it, but it’s neccessary for our survival (or at least sanity
The arrangement my DH and I have changes with our schedules. Last year it was the “mom gets all Thurs evening off to do as she pleases” while DH cares for the kids. Sometimes I would go out, sometimes I would stay home and craft. But, many times I would stay home and feel guilty about not getting xyand z done, so I’d basically take my off time to clean the house. This is ok for me sometimes, but not nearly as many as I did.
Our latest schedule is DH cares for the kids for an hour or two Mon, Wed, Fri while I and a friend walk to the gym, work out and walk back. He takes classes the other two evenings. I am finding I love this arrangement b/c I get girl/adult time, and work out which just makes me feel better, have more energy and lift my spirits.
If you ever want to talk, you can email me at acountrybabe at juno dot com
Jennifer,
I lost my mother in November. I also went through a time where I couldn’t seem to get on top of things like the thank you notes. It didn’t really make any sense to me why this was such a hard task and why I continued to put it off. There were other simple things that I just wasn’t motivated to do. I know it was a part of my grief. I miss my mom deeply. I cried in church on
Sunday because of something that the priest said that touched me and reminded me of my Mom. Things have gotten better. I don’t cry in church every Sunday anymore. I now can take care of the little things with out so much effort. When I feel overwhelmed with grief, I try to be thankful for the wonderful things that my mother taught me and what a powerful influence she was to make me the person that I am today. Some days it is easier than others. My prayer are with you. The fact that you miss your Dad so much is a reflection of how much he is loved.
Lost a parent—-Jennifer, I’m so sorry for your loss! You don’t say how old you are, but I’ve come to realize that we’re never “old enough” to lose a parent. I lost my mom last August from ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). The fact that it is a horrible disease and she was trapped in her non-functioning body helps only a tiny bit. I’m so glad she’s not suffering any more, but I still need her. You need to give yourself and your mom time and permission to grieve—a couple of months is not enough time. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes and everyone deals with it differently. I’m no expert, but my brother and sister and I have all dealt with Mom’s death differently.
I cried for months (a year, really) while she was ill. The crying pretty much stopped after her death, but I still was depressed for several months. My sister, OTOH, never cried or accepted it until 6 months later!
Cherish your time with your mom, even if it means crying together. But also do things to honor your dad. Gradually, the good memories will take over and you’ll be able to remember the good and the bad without tears. I thank God all the time for my conversion to the Catholic Church and the knowledge that death hasn’t really separated me from my beloved mother! I’ll keep you in my prayers.
For the family with the seriously ill child – is there an existing Elizabeth Ministry in the area? Through the Elizabeth Ministry moms who have had similar experiences share and offer support to those in need. Even the website may have some resources of prayers, books, etc. http://www.elizabethministry.com
Lindy – Have you tried showering with her? I understand she is afraid of the water, but perhaps this might work…. let her see you or your H showering every day for 6 days. Play it up big and let her see how much fun it is. Then on the last day, maybe hold her in the shower and wash her down real quick. Hope this helps!
This children’s book, Tear Soup, is really an excellent resource for adults and anyone affected by grief. I haven’t seen the DVD, but the book is refreshing and real:
http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/Default.htm
We will remember you in our prayers…
To Anon (is my son gay?).
Years ago, I knew a woman from town who had a son who liked to dress in girls clothes and wanted to be a princess. I remember that she took him to an endocrinologist when he was in second or third grade to check his hormone levels. I wish I knew what the outcome was, but I remember at the time, someone told me that a hormone inbalance maybe the cause of overtly feminine characteristics in a male child. This may be something that you may want to look into.
Danielle,
I just seen the picture that you posted of your daughter with the floral crown and had to comment on how beautiful she is in it. I remember my daughter wearing a couple similar crowns though she never made them herself and they were usually fake flowers. How talented your daughter must be to do those kind of things.
Pinworm Mom -
I’ve never heard of getting pinworms from playing in the dirt. A quick check online indicates, “This common occuring worm is acquired through contaminated food, water, and house dust, as well as human-to-human contact.” That is the opinion stated, with only mild variance in language, on the sites I checked. It would be possible if “fresh” fecal material were there – but it is only very minimally possible.
Sanitary bathroom and food handling habits should be a greater concern. Peace. ~~~mary
P.S. Going to sit on my hands from here on out, been “talking” a lot today. Well… will sit on my hands except when I need to use the mouse to page down.
Hi- Thanks so much for all your advice everyone. It means a lot since not having many friends/close friends to ask. thanks.
My husband is very accomodating to my needs-he’ll do whatever it takes. It’s just that we have our kids’ activities to tend to on certain nights, and so many are not open for just going to the gym or do what I want to do- at least on a consistent weekly deal. Also,what I have found, is that other moms/friends do not have great flexibility to get together to go out-whatever – to the gym, out to eat, for a walk etc… I have asked and asked and there comes a time when I get the drift- either they just cannot do it or maybe its me. For whatever reason, it is not working there either.
Great idea, though….i would LOVe to do that stuff with friends, esp. with my extrovert personality..that is why its so hard to be home all day, every day.
I am going to work hard to find some help and pray for help. This vocation as a mother in this time here on earth can be such a lonely and hard one. ..it amazes me how we can find such comfort in computer ‘friends’. Let us pray for one another. I think I am going to tell my obgyn about this and really ask his opinnion of what i can do.
I just don’t want others to know b/c then they can hold it against us….”they should not have had so many kids” etc…
oh the persecution.
“Personally I think you are over reacting and may even be creating a problem where there is none.”
I knew this was coming. To “Mom”–Ouch! This hurts–especially since for years I thought I was “under-reacting.” This is something that we’ve been avoiding for years and obvisously there are more details and years of behavior that would be too much to post. I certainly hope and pray that you’re correct.
I know the popular worldview is that I shouldn’t think twice about this behavior. However, most of the info I’ve gotten (written by Christians and/or Catholics) states that this is a big deal and I need to do something about it while he’s still young. Also, my son meets most of the criteria listed for GID or “gender identity disorder.” This is not just info from Christians but from the APA. The difference is that the APA encouages a totally different approach than the Christians. Obvisouly, as a Catholic, I subscribe to their approach and want to do whatever I can to prevent a homosexual outcome.
Trust me, I know that he doesn’t have to be good at sports to grow up hetero. I want my son to be able to connect w/other boys while still at this age when he’s supposed to. If not, they (experts in GID) say that he will develop an unhealthy interest in boys when he hits puberty and should be interested in girls.
Again, I know this is a heated topic. And again, I hope that this is not the case and my son is just in touch with his sensitive side. But will you please try to be sensitive to my situation? Remember we’re all here for the purpose of helping one another. And, of course, I love my son for who he is.(double ouch!) I just want to steer him in the right direction.
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother, and you are just never ready to lose a parent. It is a very difficult grieving process, and that is alright. Be patient with yourself and your other family members who are also grieving. I read a book called Motherless Daughters after my mother passed, and although it covers every kind of death situation, it was helpful to me to hear these stories and know that I wasn’t alone. I am not sure if there is some sort of book on Losing a father that my offer some comfort.
Okay, so as a mom-its hard to face reality of how hard it is. i don’t want to admit it but I am afraid of the person I am becoming and who my children see me as.
I wonder if I am “depressed”- what makes one be clinically depressed? I don’t know.
I have lost sight of who I once was and I am grudginly (sp) doing my God given vocation without the deep love shown in actions and words. it is SO hard for me to do. I love my children-NO DOUBT- but I am not liking them right now. I love and adore my husband-he is my best friend and I can count on him for helping me through all this.
But, my kids? Well, they are driving me mad and I want to get away from it all for a while. So, thats the reality of it. I need to acknowledge this and say it – even through a computer -. I want to be who God created me to be.
I want to aspire to something so much better. but, I am drowning in my vocation.
I cannot tell my parents, my mom or sisters- they do not understand, nor can they help since they live not close by.
I have no one to really confide this reality to so I always smile and say ‘all is fine over here’.
Oh, another thing I forgot to admit-b/c really, truthfully….honestly, I am struggling with this- I am pregnant…again. You’d think I am okay with it. well, I am not. I am overwhelmed. I am desperate. I want relief.
I don’t like to admit that b/c i know personally many couples without children, or cannot conceive and it hurts that I feel this way…but I do and I cannot change that.
Thanks for listening. God bless.
Defiant/sensitive children:
I know this is going to sound totally bizarre – but maybe it will help someone. We have many children but our 8 year old daughter is very sensitive, etc. She has been this way since age 3. It steadily got worse until age 6 at which point she ended up in the children’s hospital ER due to horrible leg pain that would leave her screaming for hours. She was so constipated the was almost septic. But, the strange thing here…she had a BM everyday and not one of the many docs could feel anything in her gut, and she had no gut pain (she was jammin up where they couldn’t feel anything). The only reason I am saying this is because when she starts make everyone around here feel like they are walking on peanuts (my older kids are so frustrated they never even know if they should say hi to her) we find out she is again dehydrated and constipated. I call it the grumpy old man syndrome. She completely freaked out on a vacation with her grandparents and two older siblings beacuse her snowpants didn’t fit well and that totally annoyed everyone there since it almost ruined their vacation. But, we kept her behavior a secret. She was incredibly dehydrated upon return, not ill, but totally dry skin, headaches, etc. Her grandparents had no idea she needed more water in the wood stove cabin.
Sorry this is so long, but my points are these. 1. It’s not always good to shield your childs behavior from others (they can know without her knowing it). 2. Sometimes there really is a physical reason for such rude/sensitive/back talking, etc. Every single time my daughter does it we cure it with water – and it doesn’t improve until we do. 3. I really do agree with keeping your cool. I always tell my kids (esp. when they are dealing with this one) that you cannot control someone else’s behavior but you can control your own. I need to take that advise more.
I will keep you all in my prayers, I know how incredibly hard it is and I don’t expect this to be a fix for most of you, but if it helps someone it’s worth it.
To the anonymous lady worried about her son,
Some men who end up in the homosexual lifestyle do exhibit feminine characteristics when young, but a lot of the time they are actually being subtly ‘encouraged’ to do so (by the hostile and/or absent father, overprotective and/or dominant mother). I know of a situation that fits this description.
But as far as I know the child in that situation wasn’t “girly” as a very young boy, and the kind of mild effeminacy you’re describing doesn’t seem like a situation to be extremely concerned about.
I once knew a man who was the most “feminine” adult male I’d ever met. In today’s world people would probably have assumed he was gay. But he was a happily married father of three, including adorable twin girls whom I babysat a few times! So a little bit of a feminine manner doesn’t automatically mean homosexuality.
One more thing–if your son sees that you get upset when he likes “girl” things or “girl” colors, etc., it may make him want those things all the more, just to tease you or get the attention. And that’s not girlish or boyish–just a child being a child.
To May, I second the advice to get some help and some exercise, but most of all I encourage to make an appointment with your regular doctor or OB/gyn to discuss this situation. In my experience, if you’re in the locked bathroom crying, you have a problem. And it may be simply mild depression and not anything catastrophic. Routine, exercise, sleep, quiet, prayer: those are all cornerstones for a healthy family life. But if something in you is stuck or out of whack physically or emotionally, you can’t just talk yourself out of that. You really need to address your health concerns first by talking to your doctor. I did recently and oh what a difference it made. Once he ruled out thyroid problems, he sent me to talk a few times with a pyschologist. Even though I already “knew” the right answers because I’ve read a lot, being able to talk to someone who was completely focused on listening to and helping me was a HUGE help. It didn’t take long and it made everything else fall into place. I really felt as though it made special room for the Holy Spirit to speak to me. I found it very similar to talking with a priest; we need the face-to-face help sometimes. Please call your doctor.
May –
And three, by all means, see if you can get someone to help. Maybe a high school student to just come play with the kids once in a while?
what you are describing sounds like depression to me. I would like to repeat what some others have said — one, find a good therapist or counselor to talk to (check out catholictherapists.com for suggestions). Two, get some exercise, even if you don’t feel like it – it will boost the serotonin in your brain. Just get your heart rate up a little. Thirty minutes a day, several days a week would be great. Exercise saves my sanity, I think.
Don’t be afraid to let other people know you are having a rough time and need help. Lots of women have been there.
Oh and AMY V. —
my sister (who’s 22) had this a month ago. 3 weeks ago, my good friend’s 1 year old son had it (ran a fever for a week, is fine now.) Then her 3 year old got it. In each case, they had it, took a lot of antibiotics, but they are fine now. We have decided it’s some weird new virus. Hope that reassures!
May, I’m praying for you! Your honesty is refreshing. I know lots of “moms of many” who truly do thrive on each new little, but there are plenty of other moms who reach the breaking point and need–well, a break!
One thing I think that sometimes doesn’t get said is that one of the “serious reasons” to use NFP is the need to care for the children we already have. No, they don’t all need their own rooms/computers/etc. but they DO need a happy mom who gets some sleep sometimes! While I know that the one you’re expecting now will be greatly loved when he/she arrives, I also want to tell you that it is totally, absolutely, completely okay to feel overwhelmed–please don’t ever let yourself feel guilty about those feelings. And it’s also totally okay to start talking to your husband, now, about the fact that you may want to use NFP for a while once this little one arrives!
If you don’t have family close by, then see if there are people in the nearby area who can help. In addition to the good advice people have already given you, I wonder if any of these things might be possible:
1. Can your husband give you a whole Saturday to yourself? Even if you have a nursing infant, can you take just that one with you for the day?
2. Is your oldest, or perhaps the two oldest, able to help a bit? Even fairly young children can do a chore or two. They won’t necessarily do it well, mind, but it’s a great mood-enhancer for tired moms!
3. Is your oldest finishing first grade? Do you live in a state that has relaxed homeschooling laws? Can you declare today, May 20, the end of first grade, even if there are a few workbook pages here and there that aren’t done? (Lots of these concepts are repeated in 2nd grade anyway!)
4. Are you using a homeschooling program that suits your life with lots of littles? There are so many ways of homeschooling now that make life easier for moms!
5. If you had to focus on just one problem with your vocation to motherhood, what would it be? I think sometimes the overwhelmed/drowning feelings when children are young come from feeling like everything is out of control, but when you step back and look at the situation you can target some specific area that bothers you most: toy clutter or noise or fighting or disobedience or bad/bratty attitudes or too much TV or no respect for Mom’s privacy or…you get the idea. Then you can tackle that one thing instead of feeling like one of those people who has to keep plates balanced and spinning on flimsy poles lest everything crash down at once.
Hope some of this might help!
Child not liking to take a bath –
Our oldest son had this problem for a bit. For the first 10 months, he loved his bath. Then we went to visit my husband’s family in Chad, and he loved taking a bath in a basin there. When we got home, we tried to give him a bath, and he screamed so long and hard. This happened several times, and then we realized that it had been much warmer in Africa in January then in our bathroom in Northern Virginia in January (even with the heat on). Once we put the space heater on and really warmed up the bathroom (to the point that husband and I were sweating), he again started enjoying his bath time. I am not sure if this will help, but it is something to look into.
I also had the thought that maybe only keeping them in the bath for a minute or two is not the best idea. I know it is hard when they are crying and screaming, but if they never have time to really adjust to what it is like in the water, it could just make things harder. Just a thought.
Thanks for the link to tearsoup. I think this is just the thing for us as we are dealing with alot of loss right now: the recent loss of my Mother, my husbands grandmother and our upcoming move.
PINWORMS – With two previous thumb suckers in our home, we had a bout with pinworms three times. Our pedia said it was from improper handwashing after bathroom use, then sucking the thumb. All of us were treated with a single dose pill even though we weren’t exhibiting symptoms. None of the non-thumb suckers ever got it. What it boils down to essentially is judicious handwashing – even under the fingernails, after bathroom use or any “dirty” play. Ever since we figured out the why, we haven’t had a reoccurrence. You will know if your child has pinworms almost exclusively by their need to scratch their bum, regularly. It’s gross to think about, easy to treat, and even easier to avoid with proper handwashing.
In response to “defiant children”-
What she said is EXACTLY what I discovered from learning about the four temperaments, that some people actually have a NEED for control. So I learned that my “defiant” daughter needed to be more in charge and in control of things that weren’t big issues, or that were very important to her. This one little thing has made ALL the difference in the world. My daughter is nearly13 right now, and let me tell you, these children are wonderful to have! They are very responsible and hard working and can help us moms out so much! I never would have guessed ten years ago that this “difficult” child could be so wonderful to have. The temperaments really help you understand people and meet their needs better. It’s something that God created, not some new psychology theory out there.
Many thanks to those of you who have replied with good food for thought. I have to admit I am actually a little surprised by the responses. I guess b/c I thought my presence at her/their house would be an approval of their actions/cohabitation.
Of course I understand the party is about my nephew, not that he would notice if I/we weren’t there, he’s only 1 after all. But I certainly love my nephew, just as I love my sister.
I am not estranged from my sister; on the contrary, we were always very close, though I admit in the last year we have not been as close–she’s working full time, we both have children now, etc.
My mother and other sister have always thought that I am a big influence on her b/c we have always been so close and have quite a bit in common, out of all the siblings (6 of us).
We (my sister and I) did discuss this issue (her cohabitation) back in the fall and I told her I really wished she would reconsider not only for her own benefit, her boyfriend’s, and her child’s, but also in light of the example it sets to her young and teenage nieces and nephews.
I am sad to say that part of her reason for doing it was, “because I can.” There was a defiance in her; that really bothered me. And I think deep-down what most concerns me is that I’m truly not sure she is really where she wants to be. I think she had other plans–and marriage wasn’t really among them–but obviously when life throws you a curve ball, you take a swing and make the best of it. I know God makes beautiful things happen even out of our own shortcomings. He surely has in mine.
Maybe what is adding to my stress over this is the fact that our brother has broken off all contact with both her and our parents over this issue…and while I understand that he is also truly concerned for her happiness (not to mention her soul) I don’t believe his method of completely shunning her is a good one–like many of you already pointed out, the harsh judgment is certainly not going to win her over or convince her of the error of her ways.
On the contrary, he really has isolated himself…..although he still talks to me (thus the stress on me) b/c he is close to my children, and b/c he knows I share his concern for our sister (and disapproval of what she is doing).
Maybe we are all just overreacting, as someone suggested….but I really sincerely thought that cohabitation is a serious issue that should not just be passed off as “that’s how things are these days…..”
Many thanks again for your words of wisdom (previous and any forthcoming) and I also appreciate any quick prayers for my family of origin. This has really torn us apart. I’m sure the devil is just thrilled over it all.
I really like my Hotslings and so does my husband. We each have two. Granted, we bought them about 4 years ago and it seems Kristen’s prices have gone up a little but they are really great. I like the fleece ones for when we are on walks and it is cold and my cotton one most other times.
Regarding the woman with the sister and the live-in boyfriend situation. I would go to the party. You love your nephew and don’t want to bow out of his party because his parents are not marrried. That might not be nice for him either. My mother was single mother at one point and lived with my biological father briefly, and it would hurt my feelings to think that our other family members avoided functions for me because of the situation my parents put me in. My mother told me that she fought with the priest tooth and nail to baptize me because he was incensed that my mother did not marry my biological father. That made me feel really bad to hear later on, that she had to go through so much just to get me baptized.
So, as child who was born to parents who were together only briefly when I was younger, I would say don’t bow out of gatherings for your nephew and essentially punish him for your sister’s mistakes. You don’t have to approve of her situationand like others have mentioned it would be different if she was getting married outside of the church. As a matter of fact your charitable love might be the nudge that brings her back to the fold.
Just my opinion.
Worried Mom-
I am sorry if you felt I was being insensitive. Mostly what you have offered as evidence of your son’s “issues/condition” have been the girlish speech and lack of interest in sports – which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me. I am concerned that in your eagerness to make sure everything is okay (which come across as a desperate need to fix your son) you are sending the message to him (and the world) that there is something really really wrong with him and that he’s not okay – a rejection at some level. Getting the message from your mom that your okay can’t be good . . . Obviously there is much me to the story then you can share here, so I will believe that there is something wrong and pray that you find some answers.
Thank you Martha and May. My little one is on Omnicef right now, so hopefully that will help! Of course I am keeping a close eye on it!
May, you are in my prayers today. You have been given great advice here today. I would only add that everyone feels sad sometimes, but if it is interfering with your daily life, if it feels like a chore just to hold back the tears, I think that could be a sign that it is time to take a moment to heal and refresh your soul. I think putting formal homeschool on the back burner for a while is a good place to start. Just spend the days for a week or so doing what is fun for and your kids, swimming, watching movies, playing, coloring, reading, library story time, McDonald’s etc. Also really ask your husband to do the evening routine for a week or so to spend some time reflecting on what you would like your life to look like. Sometimes when we take a moment to breathe, we see that we are doing a great job and we have clarity to see where we need to make changes. Also, it is not failing if you decide you want to talk with a “professional” of sorts. Anything you do to make yourself healthier is a gift to your family.
To May,
I will pray for you and offer a few suggestions. It sounds like you are depressed, I have been there myself. It isn’t easy, and yes, you do want to “just run away” sometimes. Do yourself a favor and find yourself a good therapist. Sometimes you can get a good recommendation from your parish priest. Also, try catholictherapists.com to see if there are any nearby. Therapy is what has helped me the most. You owe it to yourself to take care of “you”. I remember finding out I was pregnant with my third and literally crying for days. It does get better. It’s important to address what is causing your depression now, so you don’t become so depressed that you are no use to your family.
Thanks for understanding “Mom.” I do pray that you are right and there is no real problem here.
For the record, this is all something that my husband and I address privately…and same goes for the therapist we sought. We do not discuss this in front of our son. I would never want him to feel rejected in any way either–esp. from his parents! I’m so much to this extreme that maybe I feel guilty that I try TOO hard and contribute to this behavior in the “sterotypical overprotective mother” role. Its something that I’m consantly working on. (I grew up w/extremely anxious parents and a father who wouldn’t let us run b/c he was afraid we’d fall!) So this tendency to worry/protect my son is something I’m aware of and am always working on
Worried Mama/is my son gay,
I think that it might useful for you and your husband to start really, and I mean REALLY, investigating what the Church says about sexual morality and practices. I say this because when it comes right down to it, it doesn’t matter what your attractions or hormones are telling you do to, we ALL have the same responsibilities and the Church has the same standards of behaviour for EVERYONE.
Let’s say, the worst that you are thinking is true, and your son does develop attractions to people of his own gender. If he has grown up with the message that sexual relations are a privilege for married persons, not a human right that should be afforded to everyone, in what direction would his conscience and the Holy Spirit lead him?
The Church is very clear that there IS a place in the Church and in society for people with same-sex attractions. The Church says that those people are given a very burdensome cross but that with prayer and an understanding of that cross, they can have a happy and HOLY life.
My family has had a priest friend for about 25 years. He is a man who is entirely devoted to his flock and Mary and his priestly duties. He is literally the best homilist that I have ever heard. He is passionately pro-life, and pro-family. He has a special empathy for mothers and has been a role model that has brought many other young men to the priesthood.
But, he came to the priesthood after a long time away from Holy Mother Church. His conversion happened when he went to Mexico with his boyfriend and when to Guadalupe. In typical Mama Mary fashion, he got ‘smucked up’side the head’, and old ladies started coming up to him in the street everywhere he went and asking for prayers! I am not kidding. Now, he had a very traumatic childhood that damaged him in such a way that it caused him to seek out relations with his own gender, and to lead a very promiscuous lifestyle. Thank God that that is not the situation you are dealing with.
If I were in your shoes, I would not worry. I would focus on raising all of my children to have a deep understanding of marriage and the beauty of the sexual union within marriage. I would surround my family with wholesome examples of priests and religious. And I would pray for guidance from God, Mary, my child’s guardian angel, and any patron of boys/priests/brothers/martyrs that I could think of.
‘Be not afraid’!
God put your son into your family because you and your husband are the best people to raise him up into a man who will love God and seek His will in his life.
I just wanted to mention that it is so reassuring to know that I’m not the only one with holes in my doors caused by a child throwing a tantrum!
May, I recommend getting your thyroid checked, especially if you are pregnant, since an under active thyroid can adversely affect an unborn child. I also have been overwhelmed and depressed, two of the symptoms of being hypothyroid, which I am. You just need to have a blood test taken, and even though you may not have this problem, I think every pregnant woman should have this test done as a precaution. God bless!
May, I wish I could say more and had time to read all the other responses to you, but I just want you to know you’re in my prayers. Maybe your pregnancy induced hormones are playing a part here, but you cannot deny those feelings of helplessness. They are real — your reality — and you have to find a way to deal with them. I think I was on the verge of a breakdown a few years ago when I was expecting my 8th. And I have so much love and support from relatives and friends! Now that I’m expecting #9 I realized I just needed to make some decisions that will lighten the load (though that is not as easy as it sounds). So our oldest (going into 10th grade) will most likely go to school next year, and our next oldest may be going to school as well. The very best help for me is that almost daily my husband tells me how much he appreciates me and how great my vocation to motherhood is. This is so very hard to remember in the day-to-day grind! That’s all I have time for. But I will be remembering you in my prayers! God bless you dear heart.
May-
I know that you have been given lots of great advice for counselling and other services. Here are two more :Is there a Catholic Charities in your area that can offer you counselling services? What about a priest that you can go to for spiritual direction and confession on a regular basis?
I know it can be hard to set aside a day every week but what about a day every two weeks or once a month? This way you are guaranteed some bit of time. By the way that is wonderful that your husband is very supportive.
May,
Marie suggested you get your thyroid checked. I am seconding that! Two years ago I started to feel a little “relapse”. It wound up to be my thyroid. When my meds were at the right dosage I felt “normal” again.
I just wanted to add that I started writing my response, then came back to it about an hour later.
I am sure that you are doing your best by your son. I am also sure that if after prayer and thought, you still feel that there is something more that you should do or investigate, then that is the Holy Spirit telling you that. Trust your gut.
I can’t imagine what it is like to be in your shoes, but I have made a point through the years to pray for parents in your position. Be assured that I will continue to do so.
To Quandry:
Go to the party. Love your sister, love her baby, love her baby’s father. Relax there and enjoy yourself. Show your children how to love everyone. When the time is right, you can teach your children why that situation isn’t what God is asking of them, but God is always asking you to love everyone. He Himself had dinner with Zaccheus! I bet that was a fun dinner party!
Child Afraid of Baths – Try putting your daughter in the bathroom while you take a bath. She can either sit on the floor and play by herself or maybe, just maybe, decide to join you in the tub. Add some bubbles and toys and try to make it fun but don’t pressure her to join you. I would think that after a few days of her watching mommy enjoy a bath she may decide to join you. Right now she connects baths with maybe a stressed mommy or a hurrying feel, so if she were to see someone enjoy a bath and not try to pressure her into on she may decide for herself.
Picnic / easy lunches
My latest favorite is bbq pulled pork sandwiches. I make it in the crockpot following the directions on the back of the McCormick seasoning packet that you get in the grocery store. It turns out that it’s really good served at room temperature as well as hot. Make it ahead, then it’s a real quick picnic to assemble, just plop a spoonful onto a dinner roll or sandwich roll and the sandwich is complete, no messing with jars of condiments or other toppings, and no worries that the mayo will go bad or the bread will get soggy. We recently took this with us to the zoo, it was one of the quickest packed lunches I’ve made, and the kids and my husband gobbled it up.
I’d love to hear other suggestions!
Has anyone here experienced extreme anxiety about their health? I seem to always be worrying about what I “could be” dying from and when I get something checked out and it comes back clear I worry about something else I could have. I have always been healthy but I can’t enjoy life because I am always worrying about what I could be dying from. if that makes any sense. Any suggestions?
Oh my goodness! I didn’t realize there was anyone else out there who worries like me. I am the exact same way. Every time, I have come out ok, then I find some other health concern to worry about. I would also love to hear anyone else’s suggestions on how to not worry about this. Years of fervent prayer have not left me any less worried.
Crazy,
You might not be “crazy”, but you certainly might have some kind of real anxiety. If it continues, I would mention it to my doctor. Anxiety can be treated, and not only with meds.
I’ll pray that you can find a solution to your anxiety.
Dear Crazy,
I have experienced extreme health anxiety at different points in my life – with “sypmtoms” very similar to yours. The internet is a real danger for me as I can easily start looking up information on diseases and work myself into quite a state. Stay away from the internet if that happens to you. For me, the greatest help was being totally honest with a very wise priest, who led me through some serious healings of past hurts that served as a trigger for a lot of these anxieties. Every axniety/phobia has a root and once something can be rooted out you can start to deal with the real issues. I hope that helps – I know from my own experience how debilitating these kinds of fears can be.
About the cohabitation/birthday party question.
I feel for you. My own sister is in a similar situation and part of my family seems to think that if I just talk to her and threaten to never speak to her again, she’ll come back to the Church, move out, have her baby baptized, convert (or dump) her fiance, and eventually get married to a Catholic in the Church. Sadly, it’s just a bit more complicated than that. I’ve learned to just bite my tongue and pray whenever the subject comes up.
One thing I have learned is that cohabitation is a sticky situation, especially when there is a child involved. The reason I say this is that in some places, there are diocesan policies that, in an effort to prevent rash (and possibly null) marriages, ask couples such as your sister and her boyfriend to wait even longer to marry. At the same time, many couples feel that need to live together to support each other and give their child a stable home.
To end my essay, I’d be a good aunt and go to the party. Whether or not the parents are married, he’s your nephew and you should be thankful for his life. The shunning of unmarried parents and their children is part of the reason that abortion is common in certain social classes, so I am very uncomfortable with the idea. Since my only child is in the womb, I can’t give you any advice as to how to discuss things with your own children. If one of my students told me about such a situation, I would ask them to pray for their aunt/sister/cousin/friend and leave it at that.
May,
My heart goes out to you! I could have written your posts. We have 8 children — our oldest is 13, and our youngest is 4 weeks. We homeschool as well.
I suffered from post-partum depression after our first and sixth children. For me, I was numb, sad and completely overwhelmed. Cried (or slept) all the time. I was not the parent I knew I should be, and I really resented my children. Please, please, please get help. With my first bout of depression (after my first child) I went to Catholic Charities for help. (They accept many insurance plans, and payment is figured on a sliding scale.) For me, small breaks, a few weeks of therapy, reaching out to others, exercise, and regular and healthy meals helped me get well. I never took medication, as I was already pregnant with our 2nd baby!
After our sixth baby, and I became depressed again, I remembered what had worked for me before, so I did that. It worked. We cut back on outside activities for awhile. I also was sure to tell my loved ones what was going on. No need to feel ashamed. I felt the same way you did — I wanted to be super-mom… the poster mom for big families who always had it all together. Forget it. We all have warts and problems. More importantly, God knows what is going on with each of us, and He loves us beyond measure. Never forget that.
May, you can, and will, get better, and this will pass. Please get help. You are in my prayers.
**For Worried Mama/is son gay,
I did read the book, “Preventing Homosexuality,” and I highly recommend it! It was very helpful to our family, and may be able to give you and your husband some ideas on a direction to take, or where to go for help or treatment. You are right to listen to your instincts; you know your son best!
To the mom who lost her dad…
My sainted father passed away suddenly almost 6 years ago. He literally dropped dead in their kitchen and died in my sister’s arms. It was so fast. His death was like a candle being blown out. He was with us one minute, the next he was gone.
My spiritual director told me something during that first year. He said that psychology tells us it takes up to a year or two for a parent and from 2-3 years for a spouse, in terms of the daily depression. Meaning, that saddness, that feeling that you can’t put one foot in front of the other…that will take some time to go away. You will get to a point where you can function again.
It has been years for me and it is much better. But only last week, out of the blue, did I have a dark day about it. Those days will happen from time to time. He was your father and that relationship will be grieved in its own time and on its own terms.
C S Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” is excellent, because it is so desperate. This is not the level-headed Lewis. This is a true widower….angry, clinically depressed and not wanting to go on.
He resolved to keep four journals for his grief and, when the pages ran out, to stop weeping. The journals were later published.
My mother told me “heaven sense” is also good.
Good luck and my prayers are with you.
May – I will offer my hour of adoration for you. Congratulations on the new life. I know how you feel. We have 6 children, but way back when #2 was 3 months old and I found out #3 was on the way, I cried when the doctor called to say the test was positive. I felt so guilty for that. It was just a very overwhelming moment. I cried on my mother-in-law’s shoulder and said I didn’t want to feel that way about a baby. She reassured me it wasn’t the baby, it was the situation. There is so much of pregnancy (morning sickness, weight gain, emotional ups and downs, swelling of ankles, etc.) that it can be understandable to feel a bit overwhelmed. And a baby brings lots of work and little sleep. All things to feel a bit reserved about.
The thyroid check would be a great idea. This would go along with a thorough hormone profile if you saw an NFP doc. The best thing about seeing them too is that they completely understand your family, they won’t make comments about your family size but will embrace and support you. They will understand where you are.
Not sure if this had been mentioned in the comments above, but pick up that rosary. Mary is there for you. Mary faced an unexpected pregnancy, one we would term as a “Crisis Pregnancy” today. She will help you. Just ask. Perhaps you can’t bring yourself to a rosary, but each time you struggle just speak her name, ask her help. She will embrace you with her love and bring you the love of her Son. Do you have adoration in your area? Go sit with Jesus. Let Him take your burdens, exhaustion, emotions, etc. Give it to Him and He will carry you through.
Many prayers.
To Diane-
My son sounds exactly like how yours was a few years ago. He was recently diagnosed with ADD and is currently flunking the 8th grade. He was put on Straterra but it’s not working very well. I was wondering, how do you go about getting the diversion and IEP plan? I’m new at this and at a total loss where to go. We had a bad experience with a psychologist, too. I am desperate and we definitely need outside help. I would appreciate any advice you may have. Thank you!
In response to “Juno”-
I didn’t like “Juno” at all. I found it very edgy and depressing. There were some explicit scenes in the movie and I can’t believe it was rated only PG-13. I’m sorry I saw it.
To Anonymous in a quandry –
Think of Zacchaeus.
Think of the prostitute washing Jesus’ feet (Luke 7:47)
“So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love. 13 But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.”
If Jesus did not see fit to eschew sinners – then how can we? As we’ve all heard – love the sinner, hate the sin.
We are all of us sinners. And not just that – we sin every single day. Repeatedly. Some sins are more public than others – but your sins, even if known only to you, are there. If this situation does not hurt your children then go and celebrate the gift of that child. Show them the way by your love and example. Just like Jesus did.
And don’t forget…have fun!!
Peace and blessings.
On defiance – we are currently expecting our 6th, and have had some experience with defiance. All of my kids have had their phases, and still do.
I have realized, that with my two oldest girls I have not been as lovingly firm and consistent when they were younger as with my two boys now, and it shows as they do behave like spoiled brats sometimes.
As a rule I try:
* not to debate when emotions are high – I struggle with that as I am a choleric
* not to debate when the tone is disrespectful
* to acknowledge when they are hungry/tired, etc. and tolerance is low
* work hard at saying please and thank you to them and acknowledging when I am very pleased and happy by their cooperation and helpfulness.
* to give them a fair amount of work – I have noticed that when they have too much time to themselves they get REALLY nasty – so, school and/or chores until after the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and then play time – and there are A LOT of chores around here.
* to make a point to be respectful and polite first, and expect the same in return – that’s a hard one when 5 different people whine at me, and I am tired, or feel overworked, etc…
* to work on as it is extremely necessary, is to spend time with each one exclusively – shopping trips, cooking experience, learning how to knit, I want my oldest to teach me to play the piano, etc. doesn’t have to be long, but intense – one of my BIG shortcomings.
* also teach them that emotions are subject to our mind – we are in charge by applying our thinking capacities – that is a hard one, but it falls into the category of practicing the virtues, esp. self-control
* to teach them to differentiate between “feeling” loved and “knowing” that they are. I explained to my second the other day when she threw a fit over her math lesson, that I have been given by GOD the responsibility to raise her into a fine adult, and that I have no interest in flunking that test; so, while she is free to make her choices, I will have the responsibility to respond to those as GOD one day will ask me if I have done right by her and I want to be able to say yes. Letting her behave whichever way she wanted is not the loving thing to do as eventually, it will come back to bite her. So, it is better that she gets “bitten” earlier rather than later. And that is my job.
It is hard, hard work, and I have to admit that I do not pray for strength and guidance as much as I should – another point to work on I guess.
Blessings,
Re: Juno
I saw it and really liked it. I’m not sure how one could view the film as depressing… unless one prefers fairy tales. The young girl makes a mistake then DOES THE RIGHT THING. She sacrifices for the good of her child, then gives the child up for adoption. While I do not think it is a film for children, mature adults should be able to handle it.
Ditto to Juno fan.
I think it was great and edgy. The scene after the delivery was perfect.
It is not a movie for children.
Lots of stuff today!
Re: Juno, I really liked it, but my husband wasn’t much of a fan. It is certainly not so much of a preaching-to-the-choir film as “Bella” was. I think it is good as a way of reminding us how to engage the culture in a way most people can hear. I particulary liked the “adults should act like adults, not like cool teens” message.
To anon, worried about her effeminate son: I’m sure there is more than what you describe here, but I know a number of boys (my brother included) who had a doll (and “nursed” it even!) and turned out fine.
Maybe some of the attraction toward “girl stuff” at friends’ houses is because there isn’t any of it at home and it’s prettier, shinier, different, whatever? (Not saying you should get him a bunch of Barbies or anything, just an observation.) I know one family most of whose sons are into hunting and stuff, but one boy prefers art – and that’s where his dad takes him for guy time is to art museums. Maybe, since you said he wasn’t comfortable with the athletic types on his soccer team, he could take an art or dance or some such class depending on what he’s interested in and meet some other boys with similar interests so it doesn’t feel so much to him (and you) like he likes “girl stuff.”
To those with defiant kids, I was one of those too (though now my mom swears I wasn’t that bad and says, like it’s a good thing, that she hopes my daughter is just like me!)
Part of my problem was that I reached puberty very early and we all know that hormones are tough enough to deal with when you are a mature adult, let alone 10 years old. So, at least for those with girls, that might be something to take into consideration and maybe to bring up with an NFP-only doctor. Aside from that, my mom and I have very similar personalities and we both said plenty of hurtful things when we butted heads through those years. We are very close now, but it helped when we got some space and when I finally grew up… 
I was always fine in public, but home is where you learn how to be angry appropriately and there is plenty of inappropriate behavior during that learning process. So just to encourage you – and me too if my daughter IS just like me when she gets older! 
To the mom worried that her son is gay:
I can not imagine the anxiety you have. So far, my kids haven’t given me that sort of grief.
But my kids have done all sorts of other things that are not socially acceptable. Or things that are embarrassing. And while I may gently tell my 2 year old to not pick his nose, my 8 year old gets a sterner correction.
I would hate to create gender stereotypes in my children, but is it possible that he needs a little guidance in socially acceptable behavior? “Son, you are talking in a high-pitched voice…why?…well, everybody knows that’s not your voice, so somebody might think you are teasing or making fun of them and it will hurt their feelings.”
Perhaps you have tried this already. Perhaps you have been hoping he would outgrow it on his own. I think sometimes kids for whatever reason don’t advance to the next developmental level on their own, and we need to drag them there. I’m not a psychologist, so I’m only speaking from a tiny bit of experience and no education. Please ignore my suggestion if it’s not helpful.
One last thing, I have an 8 year old who still thinks urinating in his pants is ok if going to a toilet is inconvenient. Talk about dragging him to the next level! But I think the problem now is more an effort to break a really bad habit. If your son has gotten used to talking a certain way, it may be difficult for him to change and may take months of correction.
May, you have received some good advice; please allow me to contribute just a bit more. My midwife recommended I start taking St. John’s Wort as I’ve had a hard time since my baby was born over a year ago. A friend of mine is taking it and she is due with baby #6, so it is safe during pregnancy – but talk to your health care provider all the same.
I agree with the commenter who recommended you ask Mary for help. I’ve found some relief after putting my burdens at her feet.
Worried mama – meant to get back to you earlier, but my computer wasn’t cooperating.
The boy with the girly traits – I do get to seem him fairly regularly (his mom attends our parish, and he comes…more regularly now that he is getting close to first communion age) He still is very dramatic and loves singing and dancing. He doesn’t seem to be as much into girl stuff as before, but some of that might be due to getting bad reactions from the other kids at the public school…not sure.
I think that it is fine for you to be concerned, just don’t be anxious about it! I can tell you love your son, and that you are trying to do what is best for him. Maybe you need to back off on the “be careful” kind of statements and encourage him to be more daring and adventurous. Sometimes bad things will happen (we just got a cast off our 18 month old daughter after five weeks because she broke her arm) but hopefully only things that will heal!
I seem to remember some good info on being a dad to boys in Steve Woods book “Christian Fatherhood”. Hubby really enjoyed the book…we took it to the church library, so I don’t have it here. Just keep working with your hubby to love your son and encourage him to try new things.
The Juno film was depressing to me (and my husband who doesn’t ever get depressed) because of the banality and hopelessness of the youth culture. The kids in the movie had no knowledge of anything true and beautiful. It was good that Juno did the right thing, but she didn’t necessarily do it for the right reasons. Also, the pro-lifer outside the abortion clinic was arguably portrayed as dumb. Since the film seems to be aimed at teenagers, yet it’s not suitable for them to watch it (in my opinion) then what’s the point?
It is possible that viewers who are immersed in the same cesspool portrayed in the movie would find some glimmer pointing them towards truth in the movie so it’s not entirely without merit, but then God can work with pretty much anything.
I have a friend who loved the movie and a friend who hated it. I guess everyone gets a different feel from it.
RE: St. John’s Wort. Be careful with this!! My whole body broke out in hives when I took it!
JUNO-We saw Juno, and while there were some things about it that I liked, it was definately crazy was that the guy and girl end up together at the end. I mean, come on. Please. I think it is a terrible disservice to give teens the idea that they will have a true relationship after something like this (particularly the casual sex). I say this from personal experience, having been a teen mom myself. Even statistically, it is a fact that teen romance does not survive these situations. HOWEVER, this movie was made and shown in the culture of death….so maybe truth in small edgy doses is good. Planting a seed, hopefully.
DEFIANT CHILDREN – yeah, we have one. Ours has brought us to the brink of desperation, and in a weird way, some kind of renewal. In our situation, we are learning that we have to pray the Rosary as a family every night (even if toddler chaos ensues, which, trust me, it does), give lots of positives – things to look forward to (at the beginning of the week, a movie we will go to see, a game, something fun).I say this because we’re learning with our defiant one that it is very easy to get sucked into a vacuum of negativity – screaming yelling unending punishments in room where you barely see the child. It can get very nasty. My husband and I go to spiritual direction with a Priest who is very gifted in this area. He tells us to try to break up alot of this with very positive experiences, doing stuff our son enjoys.Doesn’t have to cost money. YOU ARE NOT REWARDING THE BAD BEHAVIOR. You are trying to stop a bad cycle. In our case, we need to go to frequent confession, and an hour of Adoration a week.This is the way to keep satan from destroying our families…it is very easy, in this culture of death, for young people to lose hope. satan can use their bad behavior and our reactions to convince them that they are unloved and unwanted. But God WILL PREVAIL!!! When you feel hopeless, or feel you have gone overboard as I have done many times, do not give up. Give yourself a break. I believe Jesus uses these things as a means to humble us and to help us grow….you are not alone!!!! Jesus will bless your faithfulness.Be not afraid.
Gina,
Sorry it took me so long to get back to reading the rest of the posts. The first step in the process is to call the school and ask to speak to whomever is in charge of special needs. When you get to this person explain what is happening and tell this person that you heard something about an IEP ( Individual education plan ) ask if since your child has ADD, if he is eligible. Don’t be discouraged if they say no at first. This is very common. If they do turn you down then make a conference appointment with the school principal, counselor, and all of your sons teachers ( by law they have thirty days to accommodate you on this) At this meeting, find out why they all think your child is failing then take their answers and ask what they think can be done to remedy the situation.( be prepared this could be like pulling teeth) If this step fails to produce acceptable answers, you have the right to demand assessments of your child ( both mental and educational) usually these assessments will show problems that warrant ban IEP. This can be a long process but is truly worth it.
As far as diversion programs, Just contact your local Police department. I did not have to file any charges but just went in and talked to the Officer on duty about the problems and he had a diversion officer call me the next day.This program was great for making my son accountable for his actions ( he was told in no uncertain terms that would legally happen if he didn’t straighten up ) but most of all the officer knew the laws and my rights in battling the school to get the IEP implemented. She even went to the first meeting with me and made my demands for me.
I hope this helps .I will be praying for your family.
I also issues with my oldest son. He exhibits many of the behaviors I saw mentioned. I think a lot of his problems stem from his relationship with my husband (his father). But maybe it is a combination of things.
I have been praying for miracles in our family. My husband and son did not speak for 8 months and finally they began speaking again-Praise God!!
My husband really needs to connect with the Lord and develop a relationship with Him. He desires to be more faithful but so far he doesn’t “feel” anything. He does attend mass every Sunday even if he goes alone at times. He prays the rosary occasionally and I see that as a good sign.
I am sorry if I am rambling….I just needed to vent.
Dear Anon/ is son gay?
I would recommend reading the Bishops’ letter: “Always Our Children” which addresses parents whose children confirm they are dealing with gender issues. I found myself avoiding the letter but finally did this past Lent. My husband and I also went through it together. I found it reasuring and yet very realistic.
The number one thing you want to do over the next decade is develop a relationship where your child understands you will discuss ANYTHING no matter how difficult or painful. We need to be worst case prepared as parents:
if my child decides to live out a life that is contrary to the teachings of the Faith at some point in their lives, how do I draw them back and set an example.
Let’s just say its been a LONG year in our home which I wouldn’t trade in spite of my increasingly gray hair!
Juno: Brought up an interesting question in our house: Mom, you wouldn’t really say it would be better to be on drugs than be pregnant right? Answer: I will love you and help you through anything! If any of you has an unplanned pregnancy I will help you with adoption, or raising baby or anything! Here is the pregancy crisis center number……
Diane and Gina,
In my state (and this is possibly a national thing), it is getting MUCH harder to get a struggling student tested and put on an IEP. You should schedule a conference with your child’s teachers and the principal ASAP; however, do not be surprised if they tell you that they can no longer test your child for learning disabilities right away. If this is the case in your state (and the school administrators should know this), talk with your family doctor or pediatrician. Insurance may cover the testing and you will actually get results much faster. Some parents also say that the doctor’s tests are much more accurate. It’s a lot of work, but in most of the cases I’ve seen it IS worth it.
Alice& Gina,
Thank’s you are so right. Unfortunately in my case the school was not wanting an opinion of an independent doctor and required their psychiatrist to evaluate my son. In the state of Ohio, the school is bound to set up this sort of evaluation within thirty days and have it done by the sixtieth day. We were personally better off for this in that our doctor had seen my son so much and had such a thick file that he left a lot out of his report The schools psychiatrist on the other hand left no doubt that it was the huge classes that caused my son to loose concentration. This doctor was also aware of what special classes were available and was able to recommend one which had fewer students but still maintained grade level academics since my son is very bright. Like I said before do what it takes . Though your doctor ‘s report may not be accepted it may be what you need to get the ball rolling. Also I forgot to mention that the school counselor would be a great advocate if a diversion program is not available to you
Diane and Alice-
Thank you SO much for your advice. This helps a lot. And Diane, I really appreciate your prayers. God bless!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the advice regarding my son. God bless you all
I will pray for you and your struggles as well.
To Heather,
My cousin and her husband had a teen pregnancy. They have been married for over 30 years and have 5 children, and 2 grandchildren. So, sometimes things do work out. Just some insight.
May -
I just wanted to second what everyone else has said about considering help in terms of getting some kind of break for yourself. I cannot tell you how much doing so impacted my own life. It required some thinking outside of the box since our budget is very tight, but it seriously made the difference between sanity and insanity for me. Keep in mind that we women weren’t meant to raise children all on our own with no help and no breaks, that living in isolation as so many of us do is a historically new phenomenon. It’s very psychologically difficult. I’m a big believer that it can be overcome, however, if we realize that having a little help and some breaks is not a “nice to have” but a “must-have” and prioritize accordingly.
I actually had an old website on this subject and talked with a lot of women about the importance of these things and the psychological impact it can have when we don’t have them. You wouldn’t believe some of the stories I heard! Please feel free to email me if you’d like to chat about it some more.
What wonderful discussions! I wish I could reply to them all. Have a great rest of the week, everyone.
Joan – I think it is beautiful that your cousin and her husband have such a wonderful marraige. However, I must say that for most teens, especially in the present condition of our culture where kids are just “hooking up” and having “friends with benefits” (yeah that’s what they call it…no real romantic realtionship or anything,just getting together for sex, and that’s what was portrayed in the movie Juno), this is very uncommon. And it is wrong to give kids the idea that they can do this stuff and expect “true love” in the end.
To the afraid of baths mom- my youngest was the same way, bath, shower, hated them, screamed bloody murder. We tried showering with her, just putting her in at the end of siblings bath, going way too long without bathing. What changed her attitude was watching her siblings at swimming lessons. They were having a great time and all of a sudden it looked more interesting.