May 06 2008
Dads and Delivery
It was with great interest that I recently read Feeling Her Pain, a Washington Post article about some men’s ambivalent feelings about being present in the delivery room at the births of their children.
In a recent Coffee Talk, someone asked me to share some of my birth stories, and while it’s not at all my style to blog intimate details about labor and delivery, this does offer me an opportunity to share about this popular topic. And I feel I can speak to the “dad being there/dad not being there” topic because I have experienced both.
Dan totally missed Daniel’s birth.
In the week before Daniel was born, our whole family suffered some kind of horrible virus. We think it was a coxsackie virus. And while “coxsackie” is a gross sounding name, I don’t think it does justice to the horribleness of this virus. It gave me a wretched eye infection, but I was feeling loads better by the time I went into labor.
Dan wasn’t. He was in my hospital room bent over in pain and positively miserable with a fever and body aches. His throat was so sore that he couldn’t speak. He was whispering things at me like “This is not normal” and “I have never before in my life felt this awful!”
The nurses took pity on him. They set up a cot for him in the corner and told him to get some rest. But he was in too much pain to rest.
I don’t know about you, but when I am in labor I have precious little tolerance for other people’s aches and complaints — however legitimate they might be. We were an hour from home and the kids were with my parents. I told my husband to go get a hotel room. And he did.
I told one of the nurses to call Dan whenever I got close to delivering and she promised she would. And I labored alone. For real. I had a call button to use if I needed anything, but I was alone. And I felt it acutely. Even if all Dan ever did at my previous deliveries was stand awkwardly at my bedside, I was lonely for him. I didn’t need him to do anything else but be there. But I had sent him away.
After a couple of hours, Dan called to check on me. I was woozy with pain and don’t remember much of the conversation. Dan said he had taken some medicine and thought he could handle coming back. I said okay, we hung up, and Daniel was born 10 minutes later. Dan showed up about 15 minutes after that — totally bewildered.
Throughout labor, I always feel like I am holding off a panicky fear. I fear the pain. I fear a C-section. I fear something going terribly wrong with the baby. And labor is stressful for Dan for all those same reasons. I can’t imagine how horrifying it would be to watch someone you love suffer enormous pain while you stand by helplessly. And to feel pressured to “coach” them through the experience to boot? Insane!
At previous deliveries, I counted on Dan not so much to coach me, but to be my advocate and protector during a very vulnerable time on my life. He has always taken this role quite seriously. So seriously, in fact, that his outrage with a lying, incompetent doctor led the nursing staff to call security on him at Ambrose’s birth. But that’s a whole different blog post.
The fact that I missed Dan during my labor with Daniel made me realize what I need him there for. Not for participating, but for supporting. Not for coaching, but for protecting.
But the fact that I didn’t care a bit about him missing Daniel’s birth after the fact, tells me something else. Whether he’s present at the birth or not, the most important kind of support a man can be to his wife and children is being there for the real labor — and that’s the lifetime of work that begins after delivery.
I just read the article “Feeling her pain”. It bothers me on a couple of levels. The main one being that I think the standard child birth classes do a diservice to fathers by not preparing them to be a supporting role during labor.
My husband has thankfully been able to attend all 5 births of our children. I will admit the first time threw him for a loop(but it did me too). But since then he has been such a great moral supporter and advocate for me. I think the problem lies in the poor standard child birth classes that are available to parents. Most of them are very un-informative and do not prepare the fathers for their role during labor. Sure they cover the basics of what happens during labor, but do not cover the supporting role of the father or techniques he can use to help ease/relieve his wife’s pain. We learned more from the Bradley method book then we did at the standard child birth class! I do think the Bradley method is worth checking out for any couple expecting a baby (even if all you can do is read a book) and it will help them to have an easier childbirth.
Another part of the article that bothered me is the fact that they do not mention how the mother feels when her husband is there with her, even if it is just holding her hand. There are studies out there that show that having a spouse near by during painful times can help bring down stress and pain levels which can translate into an easier delivery and less need for interventions. So maybe all a husband knows how to do is stay calm and offer encouraging words to his wife while holding her hand. That to me is worth having him there. As for his anxiety and stress…well this is a time for him to set his feelings aside, pray to God for graces to help his wife put all his trust in the Lord, and give all his attention to his wife who is laboring to bring their child into the world.
Wow, Danielle that is some tough stuff! It would break my heart not to have my dh with me.
My dh and I didn’t take a child birth class. We talked to his sisters about what to expect- my midwife would have flipped her lid to know I didn’t take a “real” class.
My dh is more the warm body guy, but he is supportive and would give his life for me. He contends that child birth is really no place for a man, but he can’t imagine being any where else
Well, with our last child dh, unexpectedly, had to be my midwife! He did great!!! He caught his child better than my OB could have. He is my hero.
I have never heard such pride in my dh’s voice as he recounted all the men shaking his hand and thumping him on the back after Mass the next day
I had five c-sections which has always meant that at delivery I get to see my baby for a brief moment, and then the nurses whisk my child away while I am “put back together.” I don’t get to see my child for a few hours.
The first time, I cannot tell you the relief I felt when, after the nurse told me they were taking my son to another room, I realized that my husband would go and be with our baby. And that is how it has always been since — he goes “to protect” and to bond. He enjoys — cherishes — those first few hours with our new baby so much, and I cannot imagine if he was not there.
Danielle — I guess the title of your previous post just about sums it up.
(First-time commenter.)
The article feels sorry for men who aren’t prepared for the intensity of childbirth. That makes me think of the women who complain that they aren’t told how much labor hurts. I suppose it’s always a shock moving from our TV world to real-life. With real blood and real pain. Fathers’ roles are already minimized in our culture; I’ve always regarded it as a redeeming value that they’re expected to be present for the child they helped create.
My husband, the conscientious “I’ll do it how I’m supposed to” type, took his role seriously during my labors. Before our first, we’d taken classes together and heard, oh, five hundred birthing stories from friends and random acquaintances. So when he told me to “relax” between contractions, we both knew he knew what he was saying. Beyond that, however, he didn’t DO a whole lot except be there. That’s all I needed him to do. So it was a hard experience for him to see me in pain. Well, it was a hard experience for ME, too!
The thought of laboring alone is chilling! Although I admit I was glad to read that you missed Dan, instead of finding yourself empowered and realizing you could do it all without him. I wouldn’t have believed you anyway.
Although I tend to think men just need to tough it out (women do, after all), I will say that for her third child, my sister didn’t even bother expecting her husband to be present. He was too prone to faint. Instead, he stayed with the other two children and my sister-in-law coached her through the birth. It worked fine for them, but personally I’d have missed that big male hand during the ordeal.
– SJ
I’m with you Danielle. Almost eighteen years ago when I went into labor with my first. My husband left his second job to come to the hospital and be by my side.Due to our poor financial state at the time and knowing that I would need to be off work for at least six weeks he had been working every hour of over time that he could get. Add that to the fact that he was suffering from severe sleep apnea ( his breathing stopped three hundred times in a few hours when he was finally tested) Being my first and only twenty one years old I truly needed support. As hubby learned early on, I didn’t want him to coach my breathing,rub my back or anything other than to be there. After hours of just setting there he fell asleep and slept in a chair by my bedside until I learned that the baby had been stuck and was showing signs of distress. Hubby was awakened by my frantic calling as an Emergency C section was order. Due to the urgency of it all he was not allowed to accompany me in the OR . When I awoke in recovery to my surprise he was there holding our precious baby daughter and that was what mattered. Hubby was there and awake for my other three labors and was even present for the C sections deliveries of two. Though I would recommend that every husband be there for his wife, if for whatever reason he can’t it isn’t the end of the world.
Oh Danielle! How hard!! (And… yep, precious little tolerance for other people’s pain here as well). My dh is there as protector as well… I can’t imagine him not being there. We were Bradley trained — and my farm raised dh was interested in every aspect of it. But in the end, the nurses and doctors end up doing most of the coaching, as you say, my dh is my advocate, my protector — and the man who is the most proud of me in the room.
On a funny note – his brother (also farm raised) on the birth of his first child said: “Oh cool… it’s just like a cow.” To which his wife responded in irritated disbelief: “And just who’s the cow?”
Wow. I asked some ladies about this topic recently in an on-line community, and the answers were all very one-sided (He should be there!). Last night I prayed for help with this particular problem at Adoration, and look at today’s topic–complete with comments!
I’m struggling with what to do with my older children when I go into labor. I’m considering having my husband stay home with them and going to the hospital alone. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who’s considered this (thanks, SaraJ).
Thanks for giving me some thoughts to ponder on this subject. I’m looking forward to hearing more comments from both sides of the issue–and hopefully from some men, too.
Oh my goodness I am so glad to see this brought up!!! Through three births my husband felt like a failure and I quietly resented him because he was not at all into the coach role. He hated to see me in pain and felt so helpless, not to mention that he is TOTALLY grossed out by birth – and he’s a doctor! There are a lot of men who are great labor coaches and love the role, but my husband is not one of them. When I have brought this up around Bradley people and other “natural childbirth sorts” they’re response is pretty much that my husband HAS to get over this and that he obviously did not prepare himself enough. I’m not trying to knock Bradley or people who use it. I think it can be awesome for most people. I do think, however, that some men REALLY have trouble in the labor room.
The first mention I saw that validated our experiences was in an article by Michel Odent on fathers in the delivery room. You can read that article here:
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/fatherpart.asp
Incidentally, one of the things that has helped us has been my realization that I prefer not to be touched or talked to during labor. This does not mean that I don’t want my husband there! I feel his presence acutely. I find, however, anything more than just sitting there is too much of a distraction.
On a bit of a funny note, for my last birth my husband “delivered” our baby at home… actually he just sat in the room while I gave birth. He did not have any of the feelings that he had at our previous births. It made me wonder a bit if my other births were hard for him because he is a major introvert and having to kind of play the “perfect coach dad” role for the many nurses and doctors who shifted through our room was particularly stressful. It is hard enough to see your wife in pain, but I would think the pressure to behave a certain way would make it soooo much harder.
Sorry for such a long post! I’ve been planning to write a bit on my blog on this subject and some other birth related stuff but haven’t gotten around to it. So fun to see it here! I can’t wait to read the other responses.
The labor lasts several hours, the crowning 15 minutes. It’s your husband’s relationship with you and your children that are important.
For what it is worth my husband hates the whole birthing process (No I don’t want to cut the cord, I want you to clean the baby off!) however he respected my decision to have our 4 children at home. Due to a *very* quick labor he had to catch our last baby – and he may be scarred for life! Smile.
During our first child birth class my DH make the mistake of saying outloud he didn’t think he could handle a CSect. He had been in the waiting room with us waiting for baby sister to be born and knew the stress when ’should be soon’ turned into a horrible extra 2 hours. (Yes baby sister and mum were fine) He had especially peppered my mother with questions to be ready but was sure he couldn’t handle surgery.
Till the time came. He did wonderfully and was allowed to bring the baby close enough to feel his soft cheek on mine!
We hired a midwife who no longer practiced to give us a private VBac class and it was perfect. She even came to the house. It was private enough for him to ask every question possible. (If I’d known about doula’s I would have hired her for that too. )We felt ready and #2 was my best delivery.
But we have had several real emergency deliveries and boy was he ready to protect. He missed one delivery, by one minute, on the Feast of the Visitation. I prayed our Lady would Visit him (I thought he’d break down the OR door!) Baby survived because of a very good doctor and resident.
Do pray that someone will protect the men too! Last CSect several non-Catholics cornered him to discuss how dangerous it was for me to deliver and that he should “do soemthing” about it soon.
I agree with you so much, Danielle, in your feeling that I don’t need my husband to so much as coach me, as to keep me feeling protected and safe. That’s how I felt with my husband there during two amnios, countless other icky tests, and eventually the birth of our baby girl. I guess for me personally, I just needed that support, that love and care that my amazingly calm and sweet husband provided. Our first birth had been that of our stillborn daughter and the second birth was an amazing miracle that I can’t imagine not having shared with my husband; we shared such joy after such loss our first time around. Now, while I cannot imagine NOT having my husband there…(I’d just flip out), I do seem to understand in some ways how it must be quite difficult for some men, as stated by the author of the article. I mean, nope, I wouldn’t like to see the love of my life being cut open with a knife (as in C-section), etc.
And to Maryan: your “cow” story at the end of your post almost made me fall off my chair laughing.
Great topic! I think of my husband more as my assistant not as my coach. He will handle some of the details. Call the kids, make sure they get rides to the soccer game, get me the glass of water, etc.
I prefer to be left alone and not touched or talked to. But, as soon as that baby is born, I want him there – at that instant. I also want someone to remember it with me. To process the whole thing. To be able to talk about it 5, 10 years later.
As an Army wife, I have often shared rooms of late (last 2 babies) with wives with deployed husbands. One drove herself to the hospital. My husband reparked her car and got her bags for her. We were able to give her our calling card to call her family across the country. And for the most part, they don’t complain about the situation. Everytime I want to get in a whiney mood, I think about those ladies.
I was trained as a doula before the birth of my first, so I knew the value of having this kind of support both for me and my dh. It is a lot to ask someone to “coach” someone else in something they do not have first-hand experience at. The reality is, most dads are so caught up in their concerns for their wife, the baby, feelings of fear or anxiety, that everything they’ve “learned” during childbirth classes goes out the window. My dh was ever so glad to have someone there who did not forget, who could coach him in what to do, could support him while he supported me. He said he was much more able to enjoy the whole process both times because of the presence of other women who had been through it and who helped him be more confident in how to give support. I am a big believer in having dad present to witness the miracle of his child’s birth and to be there as a presence for his wife, but I do think it’s too much to expect him to go it alone in this role. Having an experienced woman there to be support for him and mom can make a big difference in how he experiences the whole thing. It doesn’t have to be a doula, but a mom, sister, good friend can do just as well. (my mom was there, but caught up in her own anxieties, so was not any good at offering any sort of real support to me or dh, so a doula was rally the best choice for us…)
My husband has been there for all four births. I think the first was hardest for both of us, with our inexperience. I was scared for all of the usual reasons, and he was scared because I was. Outwardly he was calm but I could read his eyes.
He was due to travel the day I was 38 weeks, which is when I went into labor with our older son. First I was afraid he’d miss it, then I realized it’s just one day. Women have delivered babies without their husbands for thousands of years and it was not a catastrophe. He might miss the birth, but he’ll be there to raise the child.
He didn’t miss it, though. His boss tweaked his schedule so his conference was the next week.
And I realized I could have had everyone I’d ever met with me except him and it wouldn’t have been enough. It could have been just the two of us and it would have.
Thanks for sharing, Danielle.
I just read in a newspaper article that the famous baseball player Alex Rodriguez (”A-Rod”) fainted during the birth of his first child. His wife said that between pushes she’d call over to the cot they laid him on to ask if he was OK. More nurses were attending to the fallen A-rod than the mom in labor!
Before I was ever pregnant my MIL informed me that she was sure my husband would never be able to go into the delivery room. His father had a great fear of hospitals and she was sure her son was equally uncomfortable. In point of fact our first pregnancy ended with a ruptured tube and two surgeries inside of 18 hours. DH was there for one surgery, but was at work when he got the call that I was being rushed back into emergency surgery, however he was there when I woke up. And he supported me through the tears and fears that we would never be able to conceive again (since this conception alone had taken nearly a year to achieve).
When we finally had our second pregnancy (which did take a long time to achieve) things looked fine up until 28 weeks. At that point I went into premature labor. The standard treatment at the time for this was an alcohol infusion to stop labor. The side effect of this is to get you roaring drunk, passed out drunk in fact. The nursing shift during which this occurred got extremely busy with 13 other mothers in labor, so there was no nurse available to monitor me constantly. It was my husband who stayed with me made sure I didn’t aspirate stomach contents, changed johnnies, emptied emesis basins, etc. The guy who “would never be able to go in the delivery room” had turned into a labor nurse. When the time finally came for deliver (3 months later, since labor was successfully halted) he was at the birth.. He didn’t so much coach as to just be there, which was really what I needed.
Our next pregnancy had multiple bouts of bleeding due to a placenta previa. I think that probably was the most difficult time for him, especially since I was hospitalized 67 miles from home for three months. He faithfully made the trip three times a week so that our son could see me, despite one of the most blizzardy winters we’d had in years. He was in the delivery room for the c-section delivery and later went to the NICU with our daughter.
I can’t imagine having done any of that without his support. It seemed to me to be evidence of the fact that sometimes we don’t know the strength that someone actually has until the situation arises that forces them to demonstrate it.
Every husband is different and some of them really don’t seem to be able to handle labor and delivery, at least not easily. However, sometimes all they really need is to know that we need them, not some idealized labor coach. I think perhaps some husbands are intimidated by the role that they think they have to perform and don’t realize that at the end of the day their mere presence is what we need. We need their presence for us, we need their presence for our children.
I can only add to the conversation [belatedly] that I found almost ALL my husband’s behaviors whilst I was in labor to be irritating [breathing, speaking, and reading the monitor to me to name a few], yet I did not want him to leave me. When the nurse left the labor room she asked us if we needed anything, and my husband said something that netted him a 7-Up and some kind words from the nurse. Me? Nothing.
Most vividly I recall being in hard labor with my first child [she was born in only 5 hours and weighed in at 8# 8 oz., a huge baby in 1975!] and being scared to death. The pain was unlike anything I’d known. I was only 20 years old and I had BELIEVED the descriptions of labor provided by my Lamaze teachers as “discomfort.” In my world discomfort is a hangnail. Therefore I knew I was dying. However, I realized much to my chagrin, that no one else seemed to know. Including my husband. And the nurses.
In the end, I got this amazing baby girl. But I did not forget the pain, as they say one does. So when it came time to fill out my Lamaze class “survey,” I wrote pages re: the use of the word “discomfort,” all the while pressing the pen so hard that it nearly puntured the paper.
Ten years later I went to the hospital for the birth of my second child with my sleeve rolled up, ready for any and all pain relievers to be pumped into my arm. And, of course, I brought my husband. I had remembered. I knew I still needed him in that room, even though I was 30 years old. After 10 hours, I got another amazing baby girl, this time 9#, 10 oz.! In case anyone’s wondering: No. The pain medication didn’t work. I was only one year ahead of the now-common epidural. Dang.
Well, as I’ve had two scheduled c-sections, I have never labored…with hubby or by myself…
However, my first c-section I didn’t make it to my scheduled date (water broke) and things were hurried along. The anesthetist didn’t make it clear to my hubby that he couldn’t accompany me to the OR doors, so hubby never got to tell me goodbye and good luck. However, he was supposed to be able to come in once I was prepped and ready to go. He was very distraught when he was in scrubs and waiting outside the OR door, and the nurse popped out and told him that he wouldn’t be able to come in. I had to have general anesthesia, so I wasn’t really there for the birth either (my body was…but since I wasn’t conscious for any of it, I feel like I missed the whole thing, too.
Hubby was there for first dd, and he and his parents (who showed up about an hour after she was born) took care of her for the 9 hours I was in the recovery room. She wasn’t allowed to be in there with me. They did let hubby bring her in so I could see her for a couple minutes about 7-8 hours into my recovery.
Second c-section was supposed to be a VBAC, except baby was breech. Wonderful experience. Different hospital (a city one where high risk cases from rural areas are often sent) allowed hubby to be with me in the OR while I was being prepped and recieving anesthesia. Then allowed both hubby and my doula to be there for the surgery. When dd was ready to get cleaned up, etc. hubby went with her, and my doula stayed with me for the rest of the surgery, my time in recovery and for a few hours until I got moved to a permanent hospital room for the rest of my stay. I hope that when we have another baby, the c-section goes as well as this second one!
It was such a comfort to have hubby with me in the OR…holding my hand while I got the anesthesia, knowing that he was with my baby while I was being sewed up, etc.
I think that I was the one who asked about your birthing stories, because I am due tomorrow with baby #3 and wanting to hear some good birth stories!!
I always thought that I would want the type of husband that would be there rubbing my back, holding my hand, breathing with me through the whole labor but when I was in labor with baby #1 I realized I didn’t want that. I wanted my husband to be in the room, but silent and just THERE for me. He didn’t know what to do so just sat in the chair for the ten hours and then stood next to me as I pushed. Guess what? That was the perfect situation for us. The next birth he sat next to the birthing tub with me and was again silent. I kept my eyes closed for most of the labor and went inside of myself but I knew he was there and that was comforting. Towards the end he would put cold washcloths on my forehead which felt great but there was no coaching or talking and once again it was the perfect situation. So while he is not the labor coach that I thought I wanted it turns out that I neither want nor need a coach, I just need to know that my husband is there with me.
Thanks, Emily for your comments. My husband is the same as yours and I have resented him at times too because he just sat there and typed out the birth announcement on his blackberry while I was in labor and made helpful comments such as “there are 45 seconds left until the next contraction”. It did make me laugh, though, so maybe it was helpful:-)
I also do not like to be touched or talked to during labor. I sent hubby away twice this last time through (for breakfast and lunch) and he nearly missed the birth. I usually end up with an epidural to get me through transition. Maybe if I tried a doula I could do it naturally. I don’t know. I’m still young enough that I have time to experiment:-)
Oh Elizabeth, that is so exciting. I had my third baby in May. God bless you, and I’ll remember you in prayer.
Theresa, your comment about the blackberry made me laugh, because I cannot forget listening to my husband announce the birth from our hospital room phone and tell everyone how tired “he was.”
I guess we’re lucky that our childbirth classes DID cover things that my dh could do — and did do. Our son was born in an emergency C-section because of distress, but only after being in labor all night! My husband did all he could (before I was stuck with every monitor they could fine) and was a wonderful support. For me too, it was a God send (literally) that when our son was born and whisked away from me after just a minute that I could tell dh to go with him to the NICU. He was torn, because he wanted to be with me. But I insisted — I was more comforted to know that he was with the baby. It was several hours before I was able to hold our son. But I knew that he wasn’t alone because his father was with him. And later my dh was able to come tell me how our son was doing (which was much better).
With our daughter, I did have a VBAC –a natural VBAC in fact — and I could not have done it without dh. He walked with me, he held me, he rubbed my back (when I wanted it and stopped when I didn’t), he fed me ice chips, and coached me through delivery. Even when all he could do was tell me he loved me and hold my hand — I needed him. I’m crying just writing this.
When we were first dating, I was diagnosed with a condition that could have left me unable to conceive. That’s a burden for a new relationship. But we are blessed with our 2 children, although I’m sometimes sad that we clearly won’t have more. I could not have imagined either delivery without my dh.
Good thread! I didn’t read the Wash. Post article yet, but was reminded that my midwife told me ours is the only society that has ever expected men to be with their wives while they give birth. In most cultures birthing is women’s work, and the men are excluded. After all, a man can never know what we women go through. That being said, I would still want my hubby there, but not in an active role. What does he know about birthing? NOTHING! Especially at the first birth — he is just as unexperienced as I am. Yes, we learned together. But one thing we have learned is that every birth is different, and we are not experienced in that. Doulas, midwives and good labor nurses are much more helpful. I went along with my sister at her first birth as an amateur doula, and her husband was there, too. At times, I felt like he was relying on me as much as she was. It seemed to work well. Maybe that’s closer to the ideal.
Both my babies were scheduled c-sections that became emergencies when my water broke the night before and I went into labor that was active and immediate. My husband seemed to know ahead of time to speak only when spoken to and do what I said. He was wonderful in the OR both times just calmly talking to me which I was in much better humor for with my spinal block!
The best thing was sending him to the nursery with the babies. There was a risk our daughter would need oxygen and knowing how he attended to her was amazing.
My sweet husband spent the most of the time I was in labor with my first child throwing up. He even left to get some fresh air and ended up returning home for several hours. I wasn’t very happy with him but what could I do? However, for our second he did great, stayed the whole time and never became ill. Our 3rd was an emergency c-section after our baby stopped moving and we could get no heart rate at 35 weeks. It happened so fast that he didn’t get scrubbed fast enough to accompany me to the OR. Thankfully, he went with our little girl to the NICU and was there when the priest came to baptize her while I was still in surgery. Of course, I would rather he be with her then with me at a time like that.
My dear friend decided that for the birth of her 5th, she really didn’t need or want her husband around – in a good way
With all due respect, she hadn’t find her husband particularly helpful in previous deliveries (very squeamish) AND, most importantly, her sister is her midwife. She was also anxious about arranging last minute childcare for the other 4. Hubby was grateful to be let off the hook. It sounded like a beautiful delivery. Her mom, adult niece and sister/midwife spent the morning together while she was being induced. They were all with her when her baby girl was born. Hubby got hourly updates and brought the kids over an hour after the birth. In our circle it was a bit controversial and upsetting that she didn’t want her husband there — but part of why their marriage works is because they are both clear about their needs and mature enough to bend.
I have had 3 hospital births and 4 homebirths. In the hospital, my husband was my protector and advocate; at home, he kept me company and reassured me that I could do it. He felt much more comfortable with the homebirths. He had implicit faith in our midwife (something he didn’t have with the hospital staff) and he felt at ease in familiar surroundings. Yes, it is hard for him to see me in pain and not be able to do much, but it would be hard for me to see him in pain as well. It was agonizing for Our Blessed Mother to see her son it pain and not do anything. It was hard for Christ to see His mother in pain because of His suffering. Our society sees no value in the cross.
My husband was with me for each of our 4 births. I would not want to be without him!
At our last birth, we had hired a doula—she was SO AMAZING!
It was a relief for me to know that I wouldn’t have to labor alone because my husband was trying to find a nurse or get ice chips…..each time before, when I was alone, it felt like I was in a huge, gray room of pain and darkness…and I humbly admit to being quite terror-filled during the difficult parts of labor. Just having another mom there with my DH who had witnessed dozens of births helped me feel a bit more confident and having her there took some of the pressure off of my sweetheart trying to remember everything–so it was our best labor for those reasons.
I think it would be very sad to have to labor alone. I always felt reassured that he was there with me to help me “be”—and for us to pray the rosary and talk about our children.
I’ve had 2 babies, and one is on the way for September. My first had to be induced and I was in labor for 40 hours before she was finally born. My husband was there the whole time — with 2 doulas — and I couldn’t have done it without him.
The second was born Ash Wednesday 2 years ago. I started labor at 5:45 a.m., went to Mass at 9 with my husband, then he went to work for a while. I went home with my first, and the work crew was at my house finishing up the kitchen remodel that I’d had us start in the second trimester. Around 3 I called my husband to say come home, and around 5 he called the doctor. We went to his office to be checked, and were in the hospital for about 10 minutes before our second was born at 6:30. Very different from the first!
I did most of the laboring for #2 by myself, but once my husband got there I was so relieved. When he offered to drop me off at the hospital entrance to save me the walk through the parking lot, I started crying and said, “Don’t leave me!”
I did need some coaching both times — until it came time for pushing. However, I didn’t want people touching me, and I certainly didn’t want any conversation. My husband was awesome through all of it, and I can’t imagine not having him there.
I’m the “other” Elizabeth who posted — the one with the c-section and VBAC and I’m not the one who’s due tomorrow.
Elizabeth- I’ll keep you in my prayers for a safe delivery and healthy baby.
Danielle, thank you for this blog. With all you share with us and the community you have created, it is a blessing in so many ways to me as a Catholic woman and mother!
My husband missed our second child’s birth. I went into labor after he left for work in the morning, and being unexperienced I didn’t really know what was going on. To make a long story short, my sister drove my toddler and I to the hospital, dropped us off and we walked to L&D. I had my daughter 15 minutes later (in fact, when my sister arrived and found out that I had the baby, she fainted in the waiting room!). My husband was stuck in traffic and arrived just in time for the delivery of the placenta.
And in all honesty, I was so happy that the doctor was there and I knew that my husband was on the way. It didn’t bother me at all. I also had a unmedicated birth and I found the pushing was easier because I wasn’t worried about grossing out my husband. I felt less inhibited and was able to really concentrate on the task at hand.
All is well that ends well.
Wow! We sure do love birth stories, don’t we?
Bradley “Husband-Coached Childbirth” was just what we needed with our first baby, to train together and learn as a team. We are loaning the book to a man my husband works with in preparation for their first baby.
We reviewed the book each time we were expecting before labor and it felt comforting to *kind* of know what to expect. I found “Hypno-birthing” extremely helpful, too. (Minus some of the weird “Earth-mother-crystal-new age” stuff….
Prayers for all the Mommies out there!
Here in many hospitals in China, and even many of the hospitals in Hong Kong, husbands are not permitted to accompany their wives in delivery, regardless of method of delivery. In one hospital in Hong Kong, a private, Catholic hospital, the father is only permitted to hold the baby immediately after delivery. He is not allowed to touch the baby again until after the mother and baby are discharged, 3-7 days later. In many mainland and Hong Kong hospitals the baby remains in the nursey.
There are two private hospitals in Hong Kong that make allowances for the sorts of things that Westerners want, such as father at delivery and rooming-in. I understand there are also a few private hospitals in larger cities north of me also can accomodate our Western-ness (like in Shanghai, Beijing, and Guangzhou), but it isn’t common.
We Westerners are really quite fortunate that we have the attitudes toward the fathers’ role that we do.
Diane -
I defintiely see the sense in having your dh stay home with your children during labor, if that is what he also wants, and you deal well with pain. However, if he has any inclination to be there for the delivery, he should be. Likewise, if his being there would de-stress and distract you from the pain, he should be there.
My personal experience was that during my 36 hours of labor, my husband wasn’t a positive element. The closest he came to being involved with what was going on was to ask me to change the TV channels to programs he wanted to watch and to be amazed, while observing machinery, at how long the contractions lasted and to note the time between. This isn’t to put him down. Just to relate my experience. If either one of us were different, the experience might have been different. In that I have chronic pain, I mask pain very well. In fact, the only indication, beyond the machine, that I was at the peak of a contraction was that I sang a commercial jingle under my breath while doing hand and foot motions.
Ultimately, what matters is how things work best for the two of you. Many blessing for you and your family!! Peace. ~~~mary
My husband was deployed for our fourth child (out of 6). I missed him so!
My sister held my hand, which he usually does. The midwife pushed on my back during contractions, which he usually does. I didn’t *need* him to birth the child, but I longed for his calm presence, his humor to lighten the mood, and his willingness to do or not do whatever I ask of him.
My sister had to fly all the way across the country to be there for me. I don’t have a local network of experienced aunts, sisters and cousins who can do the traditional women’s work of supporting and encouraging me through labor. I rely on my husband to be my advocate and to be less emotional than I.
As for the men who are too squeemish to witness birth? You know, I’ve never witnessed another person giving birth, but I imagine it isn’t “fun.” Regardless, if somebody needed my support, I would step in and do the job, delivering the baby if necessary. You do what you have to do. Is it right for a wife to expect her husband’s presence? Yes. Is it okay if a wife prefers someone else to be her support? Yes.
If something went wrong – with child or mother – would not a husband want to be present to make important health care decisions?
When asked by my neighbor if I would be her labor coach I asked why? She said because I had delivered 10 children. I told her it was my husband she should ask, since I wasn’t the one who was watching! I wouldn’t know what I would do without my husband’s support…not to mention that he is putty in my hands!!! (I get all sorts of favors promised!!!) Thanks for sharing!+JMJ+sam
I’ve been at all 11 of my wife’s deliveries. 1 in the hospital, 2 at a birthing center and 8 at home. All natural and drug-free (both of us – can never convince the midwife to give be some Valium). It’s awesome and freaky all at the same time. Would never purposely miss one. Most of the time I feel useless and helpless but she says I help her.
I think a husband’s participation in labor and delivery depends on the person(s) who give you training for that first baby. We had a gal trained in California and she was a nurse midwife now practicing in NJ. She was emphatic that you want natural childbirth and you discuss this with your doctor and hope he’s an advocate of that thinking but more importantly does everything to make it happen. But your biggest advocate is your husband and he needs to know you very well.
My husband never thought he could stand to be in the same room with the delivery or even watch me in labor. My comment to him was “we did this together we will do this together” However, once in labor I had no idea if he would stick around.
First child — we were together 12 hours in the labor room with 15 hours at home he was delivered naturally after the doctor successfully turned him thru my stomach and after I receive a shot to bring back contractions that completely stopped after 20 hours of labor — second child — on time back labor painting a dining room hospital time 5 hours delivered naturally — third child 12 hours home and hospital new doctor panic mother but on top of it father demanding a doctor deliver the baby and not the nurse, delivered naturally — fourth child new hospital new doctor and an assistant, high risk pregancy 10 hours total labor delivered naturally. Why all naturally, because the gal who first trained us. Her words always came to us that we could do this and that the doctor was there for us. And unless it was absolute necessary for meds for the mother or baby, keep on task. We had three review classes after that first midwife-nurse and not one of the women positively encouraged You can deliver this child naturally and yes you will have labor pain and yes you can control it. My husband worked harder than I did because I depended entirely on him. My long labors made me worn out. He breathed every breath, he watched for every contraction to start and he couldn’t touch me because I always had sensitive skin. He knew when to accept a doctor’s decision and when to question and when to dig his heels in.
Well, my DH was with me for each of our three–but when the first two were inductions due to preeclampsia and the first labor “started” Friday evening, went all day Saturday before the doctor asked me if I’d like to take a break overnight and resume labor in the morning (no-brainer!) and then baby finally arrived around 1 p.m. Sunday, DH’s role was pretty much to stay with me, keep me from getting bored, and–oh, yes, supplement the really inadequate hospital meal Saturday night and arrange for a hospital room movie rental, too.
I’ve always told my children that their Dad’s presence in the delivery room means a lot to me–but not as a labor coach necessarily. I just need to see that look of heartfelt concern on his face, the look that says in so much more than words: ‘Thank goodness it’s you and not me! I could never do this!’
My husband said his only mistake was looking at the placenta (I’ve had two c-sections) on the table as he walked out. I guess I’m now thankful I had c-sections — who knows if he could’ve handled full-blown labor! He is not one to talk about feelings, and now I feel bad for not taking his more into account. He was so helpful just holding my hand — his hand in my one hand, the Rosary he gave me when we were dating in my other. For our first one, we were both nervous as it was an unexpected c-section. But as others have said, I was glad he was able to be with our daughter as I couldn’t be, especially since she was born with a heart murmur. For the second one, I was much less nervous — in fact, I could tell he was more nervous than I was and I kind of calmed him down. I guess God took care of us. Reading all these stories has made me thankful I had smooth deliveries and completely heightened my respect for all the women and men here!
Here’s a twist…my son is adopted. My dh stood by me for the 9 grueling months we waited to meet and bring our son to the United States. I was a bit of a crazy anxious person during that time, but he was loving and supportive. The morning we were handed our son (at 9 mos old) was awesome. During the entire process I wondered if my dh loved this little boy we had never seen as much as I did. Well, after allowing me a few minutes with him, he just couldn’t wait to hold and feed his son!
Aw, Alicia! That story made my day!
Maryan – I laughed SOOO hard at your above post! My husband grew up on the farm, dairy farming actually, but I thought surly my husband was the only one that would bring up the cows so often! When we were taking NFP classes it was “just like with the cows” when we were induced it was “we used that medication on the cows” when asked if he was worried about the delivery it was “I’ve helped cows give birth before so…no, not really!” Actually I always found his cow humor rather endearing and at least I knew after inseminating and birthing cows he shouldn’t be one to faint.
We are both 25 years old and so far have a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old both boys. Both unmedicated hospital births. We did take a Bradley class though with #1 which was fantastic for us. I, like many of you have talked about, am a very inward person when I labor and just need my husband there with me. So much so that I told him to watch COPS or something like that with our second birth until I called him over for the last 20 minutes which were the hardest.
Take care to all of you and to those of you expecting soon may God bless you with beautiful, speedy labors!
Kristin
My husband has been with me for all 4 of our children’s births, including the most recent one five days ago. I have had the blessed help of doulas and midwives for those births (other WOMEN who have been through childbirth before) so I don’t expect him to be a coach for me. He doesn’t know what he’s coaching or what I’m feeling. I expect him to be a support person for me in whatever way I ask at the moment. I expect him to be an advocate, if necessary, for me and the baby in an emergency situation. We choose to homebirth but if we ever had to transport to the hospital I would expect him to stay with the baby after the birth to make sure that our birth plan is followed (no eye drops, no vitamin k shot, no immunizations, no formula, no sugar water, etc). He happily embraces this role but at the same time I don’t ask more of him than I truly think he can handle. I can’t imagine him not being there just for his love and support, though.
Am I really the first to beg for a second installment of “Dads and Delivery”? I would love to hear the story of security called to subdue Dan!!!
I was just getting ready to say that too, I’m dying to know the whole Ambrose story…lol.
This is a great topic. I’m due on the 19th! with our 3rd.
My husband has to be there. I want him to appreciate my pain, hehe.
No, seriously, he is a comfort, even though when it gets bad I just want someone to sit quietly and hold my hand. I feel…inhibited when in labor I guess…my husband knows me better than anyone, and cares about me more than anyone. I know that even though he can’t really know what it’s like, he is “feeling my pain” more than anyone else just because he loves me so much.
And now you’ve made me all hormonal and emotional! sniff, sniff…
I agree with what someone else said, that the shared experience means a lot. I want to dissect the experience afterward, rehash the details, and he is in a position to remember more than I will. Also, he has to run and get me a french dip and cheddar fries from Arby’s afterwards.
Love this post and loved both articles! Those dad journal entries from the 1950s were so poignant.
One weird thing: the article mentioned dads having to witness their wives being cut open during the C-section?!? My hubby was in the room with me and they put up a little screen so neither one of us had to see what was going on (thankfully). Are there actually hospitals who DON’T do that???? Maybe if it’s a major emergency-C then they don’t have time to bother with the screen???
Ditto to all the other C-mommies who mentioned how great it was to be able to have their hubby go out with the baby while they were being stitched up. I also told my guy to leave me … I wanted one of us with the little one. It was actually some great dad/son bonding time!
Oh, and Danielle, don’t fear the C-section too much … it isn’t the worst thing in the world!
(though those staples they put in you are a bit bizarre). In my case, I’m a working mom (can’t exist solely on hubby’s ministry salary AND I’m the one with the family’s benefits) and I have to say that having an extra two weeks off with my precious baby made up for all the disappointment of not doing a vaginal delivery. Sad commentary on our maternal leave policies, isn’t it????
My husband was deployed at the birth of our 3rd child (out of 5) and my mother and a doula were there to take his place. Only then did I realized how much I depended on him to be my advocate when I was woozy and in pain.
That birth was the hardest because I had to make all the medical decisions and it got way out of hand with Pitocin, a too-late epidural (I was fully dialated WHILE they were inserting the needle), and oxygen supplimentation. I was angry afterwards that they didn’t do as good a job as my husband, but I got over it eventually!
Amendment to my earlier post: I meant to say that I’m a mom who has to work outside the home (EVERY mom is a “working mom”!!!)
I am so thankful that I had kids now when husbands are allowed to be in the delivery room.
I wonder what brought about the change. Was it more women becoming doctors or women speaking up for themselves?
From most of the birth stories I hear from older women (in general) their doctor was a grumpy old man who yelled at them for waking him up in the middle of the night because they were in labor. Yikes!
I’m scheduled for my 5th csection exactly 3 weeks from today. Thanks for sharing your stories. So much marital and maternal love is making me tear up!
I only labored for our first child and was induced with Pitocin–nasty stuff as far as I’m concerned. After a few hours of intense contractions, I tried rocking in a rocking chair and breathing. There was very little time between contractions and I just kind of turned inward and breathed my brains out. I glanced at my husband and noticed he was laughing…yes, laughing. I said “Are you laughing at me?” and he said, “Yes I’m sorry. You just look really funny breathing like that. I’ve never seen you look like that.” Strangely, it didn’t even make me mad. I just thought to myself, “He is no use to me” and kept right on breathing.
When I didn’t progress, he valiantly searched for the doctor when I asked when he was coming in. He held the bucket when I vomited before and during the csection. He holds my jaw with strong hands when I get uncontrollable shaking to calm me down. He’s the first to hold our precious babies and the look in his eyes shows me the depth of God’s love for me–that he would bless me with such a loving, devoted husband to share these moments. How breath-taking! How miraculous!
So now we laugh about the laughing…I like to tease him about it.
You know what, whether your husband wants to be there or not, and whether you want him there or not, you all DESERVE a doula. No matter if you’re planning a natural birth, a medicated birth, a cesarean. No matter what, every one of you beautiful women deserve a doula. And a doula can be your very best friend, or your mom or someone you hire or whomever you want it to be, but she will be your advocate and someone who will love you when it hurts and know your pain, but who can help you birth your baby YOUR way, encouraging and advocating for you all the while. She frees up your husband to just love you and your baby, and keeps you from being abandoned if it is necessary for him to be elsewhere.
I know so many women who think that their husbands will be replaced, I promise, they won’t be. My husband (who is an anesthesiologist, and I’ve had two unmedicated births, ahh the irony…) advocates for doulas for every woman. Especially for those who desire an unmedicated birth. I always want my husband nearby, though. In the room, but not always right next to me. His presence is a great comfort.
I’m sorry to hear the story of Katherine who had a doula, but it still didn’t measure up to her husband — you must have an amazing husband, although I definitely think it would be sad for my husband to miss a birth (a definite possibility though, as we are also military).
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=559913&in_page_id=1766&ito=1490
here’s another article about dads in the delivery room by renowned birth researcher Michel Odent. It’s VERY interesting. I have to say I take issue with his use of the word NEVER.
DH could see over the little screen (for C-sections) if he wanted to – and he did! Which was fine at the time – he found the twins’ C-section delivery an amazing, powerful experience (he’d already been there for the natural delivery of DS1).
We had a bit of a scare – DS2a didn’t cry at first. I was so glad DH was there – with two babies and me immobile, the doctors and nurses were great and we had a great relationship with our obstetrician but we knew the boys were going to be whisked off to the NIC unit and we wanted every precious moment with them. DH followed them up there – I wept alone in recovery, but at the same time, so glad that DH could be with the little guys.
Well, I am the old lady in the bunch, almost 78, and we had our babies in the hospital. In 1951 , after being there with a kidney infection for 5 days, they told me they would start me in labor since I was due, and so 3 hours later, with no one in the room but another woman in the next bed, I had my baby…and I pulled the cord, and hollared, “The baby is here”! Boy, did they come running. That was when I realized I would take after my grandmother , who had a very large family, in Austria, who delivered them herself, and then got up and fixed dinner. I had 3 more children, and with the second child, ( the first was a girl,) a son, I experienced 4 hard pains, the 3rd, my second son, I had 2 hard pains, and with my 4th , my 2nd daughter I had no pains. I had passed a large mucus plug, and called the doctor, and he said to get right to the hospital, and don’t sneeze on the way. God was very kind to me. I never had pains in my abdomin l, only my back. On arriving at the hospital for the fourth birth a nun asked how far apart my pains were , and I told her I didn’t have any pains. Then they examined me, and I heard them running down the hall, like blue blazes to call the doctor, and knew I didn’t have long to wait…I didn’t. Dr. English said, “Gosh, Norma, you don’t give a man a chance to get his coat off.”
So I have no terrible stories to tell, and since I had small babies, the largest being just a bit over 7 pounds, and Patricia, my first, having been born in the labor room, weighed in at 6′3″, I was not cut. After that I asked them to not cut me, and they didn’t. So I never had those terrible stitches I had heard about. As far as childbirth goes , I am the luckiest woman I know, although over the years, some others have told me similar stories. Just wanted to let you know how much I love reading your wonderful column, and enjoy following the antics of your family. The father of my children was the youngest of 13, and boy, do they have some stories. He has died, and I have remarried. Life goes on….
Danielle, I’m with the previous poster “almost6″– don’t leave us hanging! Do post about Dan & hospital security!
In the early 1950s when I had my seven children, the standard procedure was to remove your clothes, put them in a paper bag and they would crack-open the door a little bit and hand them to DH who was sent home. (Only to be called back very shortly to see his new son or daughter.)
We didn’t expect anything different at that time. Plus the baby went to the nursery so bonding time was non-existant. Reading your post, I see how much I missed. I think my DH would have been nervous at the first baby, but wonderful with all the rest.
I had my first baby in the hospital and my second two at home. If you had asked me before I was married if I would ever have my babies at home I would have said no. Then I educated myself thoroughly on the subject and now believe it is the best choice for a healthy mom. Bradley classes really helped, and we loved being at home with a midwife and doula. Paul was great. He did exactly what I wanted and nothing more. The last half hour for me is incredibly intense/painful but the rest of labor is really easy, mostly because I am RELAXED. Being at home is AWESOME.
Read more about this subject on my blog:
http://holybananahands.blogspot.com/2008/03/flick-pick.html
http://holybananahands.blogspot.com/2008/04/good-stuff.html
We had the screen up for all the CSects in fact they bring in dad after the first incisions. What a shock they had that I wanted to see my last one delivered. They didn’t know how to move the mirrors! I hadn’t really seen any of the others for various reasons.
DH was there for both of my hospital labors/delivieries. He isn’t a great coach. I think the whole thing makes him nervous. He isn’t sure what to say to me or what to do. But I want him there nonetheless. He is my protector. I’m barely clothed, striving to relax in a hospital, fending off worry, and coping with pain. I don’t need stupid doctors or nurses or nurses or doctors being or saying stupid things. I need an advocate there who knows me and will speak for me if I can’t speak up for myself.
During my second labor/delivery, DH was sick as well. Not nearly as sick as yours, but his stomach and body ached. I admit at the time I had a hard time caring considering he said this to me sitting on our living room floor while I balanced on a birthing ball and, little did I know, was contracting the last few centimeters. But it was important he was there, important he drove quickly and safely while I tried not to push during the 45 minute drive to the hospital through D.C. traffic, important he helped check me in at the emergency room entrance, and important he helped answer questions with me between contractions just before delivering.
I understand that being present but seemingly helpless in such a situation might not seem preferable, but, if it is was me, I wouldn’t opt to miss it for anything.
My dh does not do well with blood, and he does not do well when I’m in pain. But he has been there for the birth of both of our children, and is planning to be there for this new one as well.
Despite the fact that sometimes he has to go sit down and look the other way. Despite the fact that last time the nurse putting in the IV did too good of a job of finding my vein, and he looked up from not watching the needle stick in time to see a small river of blood cascading over the back of my hand and dripping down onto the floor.
He doesn’t watch the birth. He doesn’t coach. He just is there for me, holds my hand, and looks at me.
And that’s all I really need him there for.