Mar 11 2008
Your Turn: Open Line Tuesday
I’m busy, so I’m cheating. Today really is your turn — and it’s totally open.
Ask me a question. Make a comment. Make a suggestion. Offer some constructive criticism. As long as you’re polite, I can take it. I’ll do my best to answer questions, but I can’t promise to respond to anything you offer until after my trip to St. Louis this weekend.
Go on now. Have fun!
I have three children, 4, 2 and 3 months. I have a small house (1500 sq feet). I do not work outside of the home. Homeschooling has yet to become “a big deal” as my daughter is only in preschool and as such the work load is very light. So here’s my question: is it normal that I simply cannot keep up? My house is always needing to be cleaned, the laundry is never done, I cannot seem to do any of the special “extra” projects with my daughter, getting a shower in is quite the challenge, and quite time for myself is nearly non-existent. Not to mention time for my spouse has nearly disappeared. I triumph if I make it through the day without blowing up at my kids. I am trying to overcome my “perfectionist disease”, but surely there is a way to find peace in this chaos. I look at the piling up paperwork and to do list and feel like crying. I know the kids are my priority, but no one else is going to be cleaning my house or paying my bills. I really wish I had some time for reading and quiet prayer.
How do you look around at the mess and not stress out?
I think you should post some pictures of your house on the inside, in the hope that it will make others feel better!
Does it get easier once your children are older and can help? I always wanted a large family, but I don’t know how much more I can handle. My husband is truly worried about me.
I know.. offer it up, enjoy your kids, don’t worry about the mess, make time for your husband… I’ve heard the words many times. What I need is some concrete direction!
(I hope I didn’t just make you regret the “open line Tuesday”!
Perfect timing for me for a Your Turn. How do you know these things?
I returned from a Dr. appointment yesterday in shock after being told the only way I can prevent the debilitating pain I get every month from ovarian cysts is to (1) remove my ovaries or (2) go on “the pill”. This pain occurs every month for 3 - 7 days (after ovulation) and has me bed ridden and on Vicodin; not a very good scenario for a woman with a house full of children. Both of the suggested options are, of course, hideous to me and my husband, and we are at a loss. We haven’t spoken with our priest or any Church counselors yet, and before we do, I would appreciate any words of wisdom you (or any of your readers) can offer.
I’ve posted here before, but due to the very personal nature of this one, I shall remain anonymous this time.
We’re trying to discern whether to homeschool our son for kindergarten. He’s currently in parochial preschool and enjoys it very much. We are pleased with the program as well. Tuition for full-day kindergarten next year is going to be a major challenge.
I’ve been reading “Catholic Education: Homeward Bound” and am finding it very helpful. However, it often seems to me that a lot of the advantages of homeschooling come about when you have at least several children. Our son is nearly five, and we have a six-week old daughter.
Do all the advantanges of homeschooling translate to small families, too?
A not so important question that an inquiring mind wants to know: Did your kids like “fake potatoes” - aka mashed potatoes in a box?? (Sorry, that’s what we called them as kids). I loved your article in Catholic Exchange… and like the idea of mashed potatoes as a “pantry food” without the peeling, but can’t get past the idea that they will taste… “fake!!”
Hey, Danielle — I think you may have created a lot of work for yourself with this one!
But since you offered, here’s something I’ve been curious about: when you have a large family and come from a large family, how do holidays work? Are you able to get together with your parents and siblings and their families? Do you have to rent a convention hall? Or does someone in the family have a really big house in which to host everyone? I must know these things.
Oh, Amy, I could have written your email, my life looks exactly the same! (Except I have a 2 1/2 y-o son and a 1 1/2 y-o daughter) I keep asking myself, What’s wrong with me?? I’ve always wanted to be a mother, nothing else, and look at me now, so much impatience, so much confusion, so ready to feel discouraged… My mother had five children and I never heard her complain… really, what’s wrong with me?
) I just mean the kind of family where mommy is also the main teacher. Where and how does Daddy come into the picture? I know I could never make it if I wanted to homeschool and my husband still came home at 7.30pm as he does now… I guess I just need examples of how husbands get involved… Thank you, Danielle! Your website never fails to put a smile on my face.
Anyway, my own question is different. I am intrigued by homeschooling, and I’ve been reading things here and there. What I still don’t get is the practical role of the father in your typical situation (I know, I know, never use the word “typical” when talking about homeschooling
Did you make banana bread the other day or did those black pieces of fruit go into your freezer for another day?
Also, I’m the children’s choir director for my church. Some parents are trying to push me to teach the kids some praise songs and their corresponding hand motions to ‘perform’ during mass. I have to discuss this with our pastor and music director but my personal feeling is that this is not the purpose of the choir during mass. I’d be happy to teach them the song to use during a youth retreat or something similar but during mass the children should be performing a service by leading the congregation in song. They are not there to perform. However one mother had the point of view that this would enable the children to sing with their entire body.
This has me questioning myself on whether or not I should continue directing the choir or not. Am I being too ‘old fashioned’?
Danielle,
I will be at the St. Louis Catholic Homeschool Conference this weekend. I’m not a big blog reader, and had never heard of you before I registered for this weekend’s conference. Now I read your blog at least once daily and find it a source of inspiration. Thank you so much!!!
My bananas look like yours….I proudly eat the boxed mashed potatoes…they really aren’t that bad you know…and I relish a slow bed time for the kids…they are my “me” time…(though there are days when the big ones babysit the little one and I get an hour or so “away”.
Looking forward to the conference.
Blessings!
Karen
Hi Danielle- I’ve truly been enjoying your columns and blog ever since I was told about it several months ago. I hope to get your books soon. My question is this. My husband and I are both young (25 yrs) we have a 2 1/2 and 1 year old boys who are both very active as most are. Since I am a stay and home mom and have a background in criminology (not a necessity, but nice when dealing with defensive and unreliable situation) we became licensed as foster parents. Our first placement has been a 3 1/2 year old girl and her 10 month old brother. They have been with us for almost 4 months now and although we have developed a routine I find myself struggling to stay patient, attach, and love these little innocent children. My friends keep saying we’re on our way to sainthood, but I feel as if I am instead just wracking up more purgatory. I have been humbled by the realization of how holy I am not. This experience has made my husband a bit nervous (during the tough times) about having a larger family as we have desired in the past. I tell him it must be different when you have older vs younger kids and that 4 kids under the age of 4 is not the norm. Am pray that I am correct….am I? Does it get easier? And how do you keep your patience in the chaos? My problem isn’t as much acting angry with the children on the outside as it is feeling angry on the inside. I thank God for exposing my weaknesses to me, but am struggling to find the healing I need in order to be the loving, caring, ever patient parental figure these children so desperately need.
Anonymous (@10:44 AM),
I don’t know where you live, but have you heard of the Pope Paul IV Institute for Women’s Health in Nebraska?
They have a lot of really good information on their website about women’s reproductive issues. Perhaps they would be able to direct you to a doctor who could treat your issue in a more acceptable way. I live in New Jersey and know at least two Physicians in my area who were trained at this Institute, they are wonderful doctors and I have recommended them to friends. There may be also be physicians in your area.
The link to their website is
http://www.popepaulvi.com/ncfwh-evaltreat.htm
God Bless
To findinghumility: I know your question was posed to Danielle, but I just wanted to say how much I admire you. We’ve often talked about foster parenthood, but never actually done it. Even when you are frustrated or having a rough time, you are still an absolute light in the lives of these children. Something in common; my background is also in criminology.
Now, I am not an expert, but one little smidge of info I can tell you is that yes, as kids get older, things become a zillion times easier. Now, things are still hectic and whatnot, but I think it’s a much “easier” chaos! My kids are 13, 11, almost 9 and almost 3 now and having 4 children at the ages they are now is about a hundred times easier than when the older three were say, 2, 4 and 6! EEK! Anyway, I am sure Danielle has much more wisdom to share, but I just wanted to say how much I admire you. God bless you through these times.
Married 16 years, my husband’s promotion has him traveling more. (He’s out of town right now, again.) Our time spent talking is next to nothing since we don’t make date nights a priority (I know! I know!). (We have a 5 year-old daughter in kindergarten.) I found out by accident just yesterday that he’s been looking at on-line sexy lingerie/stripper catalogs, and he’s not buying me anything! I asked him if he’s having an affair, and he said no. So, why is he looking at this stuff? He says “I don’t know.” I said, “You know why.” I asked him if he has looked at anything worse, and he said no. We haven’t been intimate in many months–I really don’t remember the last time we were, but he’s been taking care of himself when he needs to because I point blank asked him. I told him I was hurt and disgusted, and that our marriage is deteriorating. I’ve got my problems too, being 47 and going through the early stages of menopause plus I have depression and anxiety issues, all of which I am under a doctor’s care. And honestly, I have been drinking more (daily), which I know my husband doesn’t like. I am trying to work on this issue, but I just need more from my husband, but I feel like I’m getting less and less, and we’re getting further and further apart. I am full-time homemaker, which I love, and I never saw this coming in our marriage. This is the worse Lent ever for me!
Wow, this’ll be a doosy of a column!
I just wanted to chime in to say, to those with just little kids, it does get easier….you are at the hardest time now! My oldest is 11yo, and we have an 8yo, a 3yo, and a baby due in May. The last couple of years have been so much easier…my 11yo is a big, big help, and the 8yo is getting there. The key is to be very, very consistent with training them now to be a help later, and to get over the fact that they will not always be thrilled with helping…they are kids, they will act like kids, always.
When we follow our usual routines and chores, things go best, but even if I slack off for a few days on what I expect of them I start getting sloppy work and bad attitudes. It is worth the effort to stay on top of things. That being said, I fail all the time and have to “start over”, so don’t be afraid to do that too!
The Benefits of Older Siblings.
I have 4 kids under 8. The youngest just turned three and he loves following the others around. Apparently, he has been especially observant around the computer because for the second time this week, he has ordered himself childrens’ games from Amazon.com. You heard me right. My just-turned-3 year old gets on Amazon and buys himself whatever games he wants using the super convenient 1-Click ordering button. Unfortunately, Amazon is so efficient, that by the time I discover this, it is too late to cancel the order and I must wait for the packages to arrive so I can return them. I would garnish his allowance, but he is 3 so he doesn’t have one. Should I take away Dora or make him mow the lawn? Perhaps that is harsh, after all, he is still in diapers.
*chuckle* Don’t let me ask questions. I’ll pester you to death.
I actually have a few, so here it goes:
1. I feel I’m being called to be a writer, and it’s honestly the only reasonable way I can potentially earn a second income for my family without a) having to leave the house b) without my husband having to get a second job and c) continue to homeschool my kids. I read your FAQ post about getting started, but do you have any suggestions for targeting a particular audience/magazine? I have four kids ages 7, 4, 3, and 15 months, so time is an issue (as in I don’t have any). It’s something I’ve been discerning for about a year, and I think it’s time.
2. I make banana bread thanks to your earlier post. Those bananas were getting bad, and I laughed when I saw yours. Yours were worse looking than mine.
Thanks! Have fun going through all of these!
I have 4 children close in age, from 5 years down to 2 1/2 months, and my question has to do with socialization and outside activities. Danielle, I was just wondering if your kids are involved in a lot of extracurricular activities and if you, as crazy as this may seem, actually schedule play dates? I’m sure that once you get up off the floor and are done with your fit of laughter that you’ll be so kind as to answer! Seriously, my kids are not involved in any activities (although, we did sign my son up for t-ball this spring and at some point they will all learn to swim) and I’m feeling guilty. Guilty because I don’t want to deprive them of life enriching experiences and because they don’t have many friends other than each other. Is there anything wrong with that? All the friends my son has are in school and don’t really have time in their schedules to come over and play with him. I tend to be a homebody and I’m worried that if we homeschool, as we are planning to, my children will be social introverts. ANY advice would be helpful.
Amy - Hang in there!! I have 5 kids (9,5,4,3, & 18mos) and it was at least 6 years into motherhood until I really got the swing of parenting and running a house. Here’s what I’ve learned:
1) you can’t give what you don’t have, so make sure you make time (and yes you MUST make time) to do something for yourself at least weekly (a bible study with cool encouraging friends, Saturday a.m. at the library, an exercise class etc.) Your shower should happen b4 your husband leaves for work/or the kids get up.
2) Plan something for just you & your man. I think it’s better for mom to leave the house, but if you can’t get/afford a sitter, then put the kids to bed early and make special dinner (can he cook?;-) and play a game.
3) Begin to study “home management”. Yes, study it. There are a zillion websites (Flylady, for example), books (”Home Comforts” and women who can teach you the “what/how/when” to do with regards to your home. Only you can figure out the ultimate system, but you’ll need to try a few ways b4 you know what’s best for you. Only implement one change into your routine at a time, so you won’t be overwhelmed. (For example, I wash clothes every morning, fold them in the afternoon and put them away as part of our nighttime routine. WHen my kids were super little, I still did laundry everyday, but when I folded it I placed it on a large table in the basement and NEVER put it in the drawers. I have friends who do laundry once a week and another friend has her husband do it. The point is to keep trying different ways and you will figure it out.)
Don’t compare what works for you with what someone else does. “Begin with the end in mind” meaning, in my laundry example, the goal is clean organized in some fashion clothes on my family - not clean perfectly folded clothes in a drawer. If baskets of folded clothes in your bedroom works then go with it baby!
4) Bills - pay them online through your checking account. If need be, switch banks to have this capability. Once your bills are in there, you can schedule them to go automatically and it reduces the time/stress tremendously.
5) Forget the “special projects” with your daughter (at least for awhile). Who said to be a good mom you have to break out the glitter? Your special project with her is the new baby - better then glue & tissue paper any ole day!
6) Be kind to yourself. You are still only 3 months postpartum so it is extremely overwhelming, I know! Remember, we live in a society that does not value what we SAHM do (or attempt to do). Most of us were not taught how to run a home & raise kids. We were usually told we could “do anything” which meant anything but stay at home. You sound so sincere and I hear your harshness toward yourself. Praise God for your beautiful children. Heaven WILL teach you and help you.
wow. well, if I could direct the conversation I would ask people here how to endure when all your worldly satisfaction in your life seems to have disappeared.
I am pregnant with my 6th child, and yet can’t feel excited, only weary. Also am homeschooling but no longer proud of it; in a women’s Bible study/prayer group but don’t feel overly great there either.
My house is a mess, despite almost constant work, with older children doing some chores too.
Considering putting two oldest in school this fall, or maybe all of them. But then, what’s my vocation? To be a housemaid? Or maybe it is.
Personally, I dislike bedtime. It’s been a long time since I felt all that interested in just hanging out with my kids. Instead, I feel very ready to watch a movie.
It seems like depression, but I don’t think it is. I think it is just adjusting to the fact that my reasons for doing these things have to be rooted in my love of Christ. I have to learn how to love for its own sake, not because I am admired, or because I admire myself.
Maryann- regarding the “fake” potatoes-
we STILL call them that!! ha!
well, I found the BEST alternative and it passes with flying colors all the time- Betty Crocker’s Creamy Butter Potatoes- comes in 2 pouches and on sale for $1.50-wow!
they are delicious and SO quick and taste really real! so, try it out and I think you’ll be pleased. We use the 2 pouches for a meal-and even that at times is not enough for us all. We really enjoy them and they have been my main conversation bit lately! WHen you find something good-you are bound to talk it up so good timing to ask
God Bless.
There are days when “fake” potatoes are just fine. Who needs all that peeling!
I’m so bummed. I can’t go to the conference this weekend! My hubbie will be out of town with one of our kids and the other has an Eagle scout project he’s helping with and there’s no one to watch our little guy!
alas!
Cathy
p.s. Amy: don’t worry about the mess. Play with the babies. All too soon they’ll be grown and your house will be immaculate.
Ok, in response to all of those with the young children and messy houses. I can relate to those. I’m a SAHM with 3 kids: 5, 4 & 2. About a year ago, I found this wonderful FREE website called Flylady.com. It has done amazing things for my household, my finances and my sanity. It basically takes everything and breaks it down into 15 min tasks, and creating routines 1 babystep at a time. You can really do anything in 15 min. or 10 min which is all I can manage some days. Check out this website. It could change your life.
OK, commercial over…LOL
I really have considered homeschooling, but I guess, its a social interaction for me. We live in the rural midwest and my kids wouldn’t ever get to town if I homeschooled them. Luckily, we have an awesome Catholic elementary 15 minutes away.
I will have more issues when it comes to high school, since that is 40 min away, but I have many many years before I need to deal with it.
Thanks for the chance to comment today, Danielle. I love your blog, and your books.
May I reply to T With Honey?
T, I’m with you. During Mass, the children’s choir is not there to “perform” but to “lead others in praising God through song.” If they’re doing a lot of movement, they will distract from that. Save the movement for retreats, concerts, special events, even a prayer service. At Mass, they should just be singing. And it’s good for them to learn that distinction too.
Amy,
I have 8 children, ages 16 to 2. I also have a mother who is a clean fanatic. She spring cleans, fall cleans and just told me that she may not get the baseboards cleaned before Easter.
Oh my!!!!
Anyway, I used to clean the house spotless every time my parents would visit (usually once a week). It took about 5 children to make me realize that I was ridiculous trying to live up to my mother’s standards of cleaning. She has two children and she has a small house. It’s just my father and her and she has a lot of time on her hands. I have 8 children and a big house. I can’t do it and I don’t care anymore. My house is actually neat but not super clean like my mother’s house and it is okay. I have a different life and different priorities. Your priorities are the kids and your husband.
On a practical note, I get a lot done when the kids go to bed at night or before anyone gets up in the morning. It’s quiet, there are no interuptions and I am usually very productive. Even if you just have an hour to give either in the morning or at night,
you might be surprised at how much you can get done.
Hang in there.
Also, don’t be afraid to tell your husband all you wrote. I know he might not be able to give you practical advice but if he is anything like my husband, he will give you a hug and say thank you for all you do. My husband is sweet because he truly doesn’t care what the house looks like and he tells me that. That makes me feel so much better when it has been a crazy day.
I also say over and over throughout the day, ” It is better to give than receive” and I know God is blessing me when I am giving my energy, time and love to members of my family.
God Bless.
I enjoy this blog very much.
For all those moms who have young children: Hang in there! My oldest is 12 and my youngest is 5 and I love them more now than I did when they were babies. I’m so blown away by the satisfaction that I have from being their mother, having a home and being an integral part of their lives. That’s not to say that it isn’t hard at times. For me, the after school hours up to bedtime are tough, especially without the help of my husband who frequently travels. But they can do so much more on their own and I love being in their company.
My question for Danielle is: List from 1 to 5 (greatest to least) your favorite rock & roll songs, because I have a feeling that you love to rock out.
1) What three books have been the most influential for you
2) What three people have been the most influential in your life
3) Can we see a wedding picture?
I know it seems many moons away, but what factors do you think will be most important when helping your children choose colleges? And do you think you will encourage them to go on to graduate school (even if it means student loans)?
I listened to you speak in Kansas a few months ago, and I loved everything you had to say. I just wanted you to know that I enjoy reading your blog and I hope you have a peaceful end of the Lenten season and a joyous Easter.
Thank you for sharing your life with all of us!
Dear first Anonymous,
I second the commenter who told you to go to the Pope Paul VI Institute website. They are a great resource and it would be totally worth it to go there for consultation if you have no doctors in your area trained in the Creighton Method. Another great resource is One More Soul. They have a listing of many NFP only/Creighton trained doctors all over the country. The link is http://www.omsoul.com/
I myself am a family practice doctor trained as a medical consultant in the Creighton method. This kind of problem would fall under the NaProTechnology category, where you use the information gathered from a woman’s cycle to treat problems such as this, rather than covering it up with the pill or taking out the ovaries. I may not be up on the latest advances they have because I stay home now with our children age 4, 2, 2, and 9 months, but we used to have success treating ovarian cysts with hormone supplementation (like a progesterone shot), which does not take away your fertility.
Don’t settle for anything less! I wish you luck.
To Amy: I hear you ! My house always needs cleaning, the laundry stacks up, and sometimes I go crazy with whining and crying (the kids usually), and I haven’t even started homeschooling yet! Try to get some time to yourself, even if it is just going to the grocery store by yourself in the evening or on the weekend. That seems like a treat to me now.
One idea would be for your husband to do some of the special projects with your daughter. My husband is more creative thinking than I am, so sometimes he holds “Art Class.” The kids love it!
I like to keep a small meditation type book by my bed that has small chapters so I can at least read a couple pages before I go to bed. “Imitation of Christ” is a great one!
Thanks, Danielle, for a great blog.
Hi,
Just wondering if anyone here has had a kind of dull, strechy, tingliny, sensation/pain in their mid to upper abdomen(mostly right side, but left too) in early pregnancy. This is my fourth preg. and I’ve never felt this before. It’s not the lower ligament streching -that’s different. I also get terrible heartburn with this one - could it be related? I’ve been told that sometimes the more pregnancies you have the early the discomforts start. I hope that all it is. These “pains” don’t really hurt and they are not all the time. My doctor’s appt. is next week.
Anyone ever experience this?
Since I am nearing the due date of my third child I would love to hear how your labors went. Did you ever have an extremely hard or easy labor? The one part that I hate about having a child is the birthing and I wonder how you other mothers enjoy pregnancy without thinking about the looming deadline?
1) Can you fold a fitted sheet?
2) What is your best domestic skill?
3) What is your family’s favorite meal?
This is for Anonymous who has ovarian cysts. Get a copy of Woman’s Bodies, Woman’s Wisdom by Christiana Northrup. Read up why ovarian cysts are formed. It has helped me tremendously along with some homeopathic medicine that my chiropractor gave me. I would suggest going the natural route. Change your diet, get in touch with your emotions, destress, and maybe go to a homeopathic doctor who can prescribe you something to help with the cysts. Most medical doctors will tell you there is NOTHING you can do except go on the pill. They are wrong. Acupunture helped me also, but unfortunately I could not go that route for very long.
God Bless You and I will be praying for you! You can be helped the natural way.
Now, this one is for AMY.
Amy, I too am a perfectionist, who has 5 children. You sound like me 20 years ago. There are things we can do to change, but it sure took me a long, long, time. I knew I could never homeschool because I did not have the organizational skills needed, nor the patience to plan lessons etc and take care of my house, the laundry etc. Keep in mind that I am a Teacher, who knew how to do these things to begin with. It would have been disasterous, and I think it takes a good person to admit that. Think seriously about homeschooling. It is not for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with you if you choose to send your kids to school. Mine all went to CAtholic elementary school and 4 out of 5 attended Catholic High School. They all survived out there in the world abd are good people. Well, my youngest is 15 so, I don’t know how he is going to turn out, but from what I can see, he’s ok too!
Not homeschooling my children is out of the question. I would ever send my kids to public schools, and there are no good Catholic schools for hundreds of miles (literally). I have dreamed of HSing since before my oldest was born, and if it takes spending centuries in purgatory (which is very well may), I am going to make that sacrifice.
I am quite humbled by all of the responses to my post!! Boy was I fortunate to be the first to post! I was also relieved to see of so many others that have been/are in my position. One can survive! The one thing I wish I still had was a solid, orthodox priest within driving distance to go to for Confession and spiritual direction. I’m sure this is one reason I am struggling as I am.
Thank you, Danielle, for making this discussion available. You have made my day manageable. I am ever-grateful.
A little something I learned yesterday: when pilgrims in Ireland are making this particularly hard (physically) pilgrimage (I forgot the name), it is tradition that no one complains. Whenever you hurt, or are thirsty, or stub your toe, etc., you say “Thanks be to God.” I have started to do this, and it has helped me to keep my ultimate goal in mind. This goal is not to see the bottom of the laundry basket, or admire my sparkling wood floors, or even have all of my children napping all at once (as if!). My ultimate goal is to get us all to heaven. And I know He will accept us, incompleted to-do list and all.
Danielle,
First, I love your blog. Thank you for taking the time to share yourself and your family with us.
I don’t know if you’ll have any answers to the following questions as I don’t know if you had any preemies, but if you don’t, one of your readers might. One of my best friends just had her first baby two months early (by emergency c-section) after it was discovered that the baby wasn’t getting the proper nutrients because of problems with the development of the umbilical cord and placenta. The baby, thankfully, is hanging in there, but I just don’t know what to do (besides pray) to encourage and support the parents, especially the mother. They were intending to be entirely open to children throughout all of their marriage (having gotten pregnant with this child on their honeymoon) and now the mother is quite upset that God would “punish her” like this with a c-section and such an uncertain future for her first child. Obviously, I can’t even begin to imagine the emotions (and hormones) that are raging right now. They’re on week five of living in the NICU right now with no end yet in sight. Has anyone else been through this with a preemie? What was the most helpful thing that was done for you? Were there any really good books or websites that you came across? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Also, Danielle, I really like how you have added the “Popular Posts” section. Have you thought about putting a category in there with your parenting/discipline related posts or your home/clothing organization posts? Or maybe just all of the “Your Turns” with the heading listed so that it’s obvious what the topic is? I’m fairly new to your blog so that would be a nice way to see what other topics have been covered already!
To Anonymous 11:57
To me it sounds like you are having a great Lent. It seems like you’ve been asleep and you’ve received a powerful wake up call and isn’t that what Lent is all about? I will pray for you that you stop drinking immediately. It is a problem, and you admitted as much. If you can’t/won’t stop drinking then get into a program that will support you in stopping. Try to turn your focus off how your husband’s faults and work on your own. Between now & Easter go on a date with your husband. You must make this happen. Yes, yes, he should make it happen, but perhaps in the spirit of the season you can call the sitter and make the dinner reservations and let him see how much you love him and need him. May God bless you tremendously.
To the second “Anonymous,” have you looked into Retrovaille? It is a Marriage Encounter type thing, but geared for couples with troubled marriages. I have a good friend whose parents have been involved with it for a long time; it has a good reputation for being truly helpful.
To “Preemie Questions”,
A good resource for cesarean recovery/support is the International Cesarean Awareness Network. The website is http://www.ican-online.org.
Preemie Questions - you might check out the BabyonBored.blogspot website, she just had preemie twins and lots of women who are commenting there also spent time in NICU. Bless you for wanting to help out your friend.
Amy - I’m going to try that “Thanks be to God” trick during my day. Its a struggle sometimes and I try to use my Christian radio station on really bad days, but maybe saying this will help focus my mind too. :o)
I love the above questions about your wedding pic and giving us some insight into your pregnancies, labor, and deliveries. Maybe you don’t have to go through each in detail (though your avid readers would love it!), but some highlights or interesting stories would be great. I always enjoy just having another little glimpse into the family life that you and Dan have created. Thank you for an informative, loving, and helpful blog!!
1.) My husband and I are hoping and praying for a home parish. Where have all the devout Marian priests gone?
Who do I ask about specific questions regarding the proper way of the holy Mass? I have read several books, but I need a forum to ask if specific behaviors during the Mass make it illicit or invalid. I get so tired of telling my four children not to repeat/echo what Father A. is doing during the consecration. Sigh….
When is it a better thing to go to a church that does almost everything right, than a church with no *heart*?
2.) I TOTALLY LOVED the post when you blogged about every little minute of your day….down to the racing out the door part to make it to the doctor’s appointment. Maybe every once in a while you could treat us to that little glimpse of your life.
3.) Homeschooling help please….Not the books you use, but the philosophy behind it being the heart of what your whole family does. May I request *How* do you organize your time so that each person gets a little directions/instruction from you each day or during the week. The simple nuts and bolts of your successful routine would bless me, and my family.
Thank you.
Regarding your recent article “‘Good Enough’ Mom,” I agree that the use of cooking short cuts do not define the quality of one’s parenting. However, something you wrote made me wonder about and even, I’m sorry to say, question your fidelity to the one true confection that is chocolate.
You wrote: “. . .brownies from a mix tasted lots better than the homemade ones I never baked anymore.”
How could this be? I wondered. Yes, brownie mixes are really good, but better? “lots better??”, and then I realized it had to be the recipe. So I’ve posted a brownie recipe on my blog, and I suggest that you hold a brownie bake off — perhaps when Lent is over.
Love the open forum questions, Danielle. I just wanted to thank you for posting your most requested posts. I am a first time mom with a baby under one who realized I may be pregnant again. While we weren’t avoiding, using NFP, we certainly weren’t trying, but letting God take the reins, so to speak. I have mixed emotions about possibly being pregnant again, excitement, love but most of all. . . fear and uncertainty. So thank you for the post on Being Open to Life and Being Open to Life Again because I know reading through these will make me feel like my emotions certainly aren’t unusual. Thanks
This is a silly question:
Any suggestions for keeping your toddler dry when she sleeps 12-13 hours a night? Do I really have to wake her up (and myself!) to change her diaper in the night before it leaks through her clothes and her sheets?
And, an important follow up:
Does anyone have any potty training method you would recommend?
Danielle,
I won’t add a question to this but I’ll pray for those called to answer, especially you.
I wish I could go to St Louis.
Potty: easy! Make a sticker chart with pictures for each time of day– not clocks but breakfast, snack, lunch etc. For 1 -2 weeks they get a sticker for sitting on the potty at that time. Then for 1-2 weeks they get a sticker if they ‘produce’ at that time. The bigger the success the bigger the picture. They get a story and or a popsicle every time. Pullups at night but naked or thin underwear days– if they don’t make a puddle they won’t get it. And when you call a friend to commiserate while they sit on the potty— don’t flush your phone.
Night time— no drinks! Replace cups, nursing etc. with brushing teeth, story etc.
This is for Elizabeth, due with her third baby soon:
I have one word for you: Epidural!
I have had nine of those, heh heh, and it’s what made delivery bearable for me. I tried with my first two babies to “go natural” but after 20 hour long labors and a cervix that wouldn’t relax and dilate (no matter what breathing/relaxing techniques I used), the epidural which I finally “gave in to” relaxed my cervix in no time. For the next seven deliveries, I just realized that I am an Epidural Woman, and glad to know it!!
The way they are dosed these days allows me to get up and walk very shortly after delivery, and I’m always home within 24-36 hours. No problems with the babies being sluggish or not nursing.
Anyway, if the pain and difficulty of the delivery is what you dread, an epidural might help you be in more control of yourself and the situation and enjoy the experience more. I’ve done it so many times now, I’ve said that I would deliver at home if only I could have that epidural here! I’ll keep you in my prayers as your time nears.
So many great questions…..how in the world will you get to them all Danielle?
I homeschool my kids too. I get anxious about homeschooling them all the way because I worry that my kids won’t be able to compete in university. Getting a higher education is important to my hubby and I. The kids say they want to go too.
What do you think about homeschooling all the way and preparing for university?
I would love to hear how to handle THIS. You know, this website, so many people who love to read your blog, mothers who look up to you, who want to know how you do it, how they should do it, etc. In my own little world, I’m the person that people call. “Regina, can I talk to you about my husband, my son, my son’s teacher, my parish, breastfeeding, newborns, homeschooling, my sick baby….” I’m honored, and I really love to chit chat with people. I pretty much just ask them questions that encourage them to talk more. But I don’t have someone to talk to. People think I have no problems. What they don’t realize is that I DO have problems. I question myself every day about my homeschooling success. I lose it with my children far more than I’d like to admit. I really don’t like to cook, at all, but I do. I often storm off to my room and hide there. Nobody knows these things! Not because I’m a poser, hiding my flaws and fixing everyone else’s life, but because I don’t have anyone. My husband loves to talk about life with me, but sometimes it’s nice to have a woman too. I know you have sisters and sisters-in-law, and of course your own mother. I wonder if, like me, you have trouble plunking down one of these good ladies and shedding a few tears on their shoulders. I wonder how you bear the weight of so many people trusting you. And I wonder if there are any special spiritual practices that you have to help you continue to grow in Wisdom and Humility while you give so much to your readers. God continue to bless you and all the Beans!
Regina, I totally relate to your troubles — for lack of a better word, but you sound totally awesome. God bless you for being such a strong support for the women around you, and may you see His supporting you through it as well.
Yeah, I wanted to know about the banana bread too…but, brownies aside….
C’mon everyone. We have a Catholic marriage in jeopardy with “anonymous.” Satan has attacked this marriage from so many fronts. Let us join together in prayer to fight back.
Weary writer, please let me encourage you to go to a trusted Priest or spiritual advisor quickly. Without delay. I know it’s not easy. Just be as honest with them as you have been with us. Talk it over. Move toward being able to go to confession. Fight these demons with the only stronger power, Jesus Christ.
There are so many excellent Catholic CDs for a very nominal cost at http://www.lighthousecatholicmedia.com However, this is a crisis that listening to CDs cannot heal. There is an excellent talk by Father Larry Richards about Confession, also one by Scott Hahn. “Defeating Satan’s Deadly Weapon Against Men” by Jeff Cavins, also comes to mind.
Dear Father God,
I lift this marriage in crisis to you NOW for protection. Surround this family with your angels. Lift them to feel the power of your grace, love, mercy, forgiveness. Give them the strength to seek spiritual help through your Church. Lead them to the ones who can guide them well. We thank you, and declare victory in this battle.
We pray this in the name of Jesus Christ, Your Son, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
To Preemie Question,
I would love to offer you my experience with 4 c-sections, 3 preemies, 2 of which were micro preemies. One was at one point 15 oz. the other 1.6 oz. The micro preemies were 8 yrs. apart. One spent 4 months in the hospital, one 3 months, I have been experiencing preemie life now for 10 yrs. The NICU is just the beginning. I have a non profit group for preemies and their families. There really is a great deal to share but I would need to correspond more personally. You can also visit http://www.joeysbrigade.blogspot.com or http://www.littleelly.blogspot.com to see my journey.
She is not alone and I would be happy to help you and her in any way that I can. Please e-mail me at joeysbrigade@hotmail.com
God Bless you and please tell her that my 15 oz. baby is now almost 9 yrs old.!!
Gina
This is for Elizabeth, due with her third baby soon:
I have many friends with the same feeling you have towards labor and birth. I have had two uncomplicated labor and deliveries both with no medication. My friends think I’m nuts because I actually get excited about the birth part. I’ve always been a sucker for a challenge so I tend to get myself psyched up to fight through it. I think something that helps me when I do get nervous about labor is reminding myself that God created our bodies the way they are to give birth. Down to the very hormone changes that occur and natural epidural effects that can happen during labor or more so delivery. The way a womans contractions will often spread out at times she needs a rest etc. I know complications can arise, but I have a great deal of faith in God’s creation of me as a woman and mother. I trust in that. And when all else fails I remind myself to offer up my pain in prayer for those in purgatory…pain with a purpose is much easier to endure. When I look at labor as an impending spiritual journey it calms my nerves and helps remind me of the beautiful creation that will follow.
Danielle, No questions. I just wanted to chime in and say “Thank you.” Thank you for reminding me that motherhood is a vocation and not just a thankless job. Thank you for inspiring me and challenging me to live my life for Christ and not others. Thank you for reminding me to cherish each moment with my husband and my children. Thank you for your wisdom, wit, humility, vulnerability, humor, and prayers. God Bless You!
I am a SAHM of 5 children and pregnant with #6. My question is about Catholic Schooling. Our Bishop has recently mandated that the Catholic schools in our diocese must go to a “cost-based/cost-needs” system– meaning that the tuition cost will go up so that they are equal to the true cost of educating a child– and no discounts for having multiple children!! The true cost at our children’s school is $7431 per child. My husband is the sole provider for our family, and though he makes a good salary, we will have 4 children of school age next year and the cost for tuition is going to be astronomical! (and we know we have at least 2 more kids coming down the pipeline still!) I am wondering what other families do when faced with this situation. I feel like our Bishop is acting crazy and his policies are punishing those of us who are trying to be open to life. It seems as though being open to life and being able to afford catholic school are incompatible concepts! I feel so frustrated. We really want to support our Catholic school and I really don’t want to homeschool, but it seems like that is our only other choice. (The public schools here are pretty scary, and I don’t feel comfortable trusting our children’s souls there.) Our Bishop has said that this is the model that most of the country is adopting. Are other people really going through this throughout the country? I realize many of your readers are homeschoolers– but am wondering what is going on in other dioceses?? Thanks so much, Danielle. I love your blog and am a faithful daily reader!!
I am new to reading this blog. As a homeschooling mother of 4 ages 5, 4yr twins, and a 19month old, these comments are very encouraging. It is encouraging to know that I am not the only one who is struggling to keep my patience with the kids while trying to march forward on the pilgrimage God has called me too. Reading about other’s struggles helps me to realize that we are all broken, trying to find a way to live a holy life and that I am not alone in dealing with the frustrations of temper tantrums, spilled milk, etc wondering if I can handle another day. I am wondering if there is any way for you to make open replies about topics like these more available. I find it hard to meet other Catholic ladies that share the same goals and sentiments. Hence, reading these blogs is quite encouraging.
A more specific question for you….what are some things that have been helpful to you that help you remain strong in combatting the world’s philosophy about money and the need for children to have so many
Woops-hit a button! Again the question, what has been helpful to you to help you remain strong in combatting the world’s philosophy about money and the need for children to have so many “experiences?” In a large family, it seems to be difficult to find the money and time, etc to do a lot of extracurriculars, visit museums, go on vacations, etc?
Thanks for the wonderful blog and the many funny posts.
One thing to think of when you feel overwhelmed by the constsnt demands of young children…what ou are doing is so worth it.
We have four children, and our oldest, who is now 22, has been dating a young woman for a couple of years. Although she was Batized Catholic, her family has never practiced their Faith. Recently, he told me that she would like for them to live together before they get married. My son asked me, “What do you think?” I tried very hard to contain myself from blurting out what came to mind, and calmly asked him…”I think you are a grown man who knows what is right. What’s imporatant is what do YOU think?” And he said, “I think it’s wrong. I think we need to wait to get married before we have that kind of a relationship. That is how God wants it to be. It worked for you and Dad, and that is what I want. And if she does not feel that way, then maybe she is not the one I should marry.” He went on to talk about all his memories of growing up…and all of it centered around the time we spent with him and the faith we raised him in. And nothing was of grand proportions…it was little things like back yard campouts and Home Masses and family board game night. Clearly, they meant something to him.
So when the laundry and dishes pile up, when you have no time to yourself, when the children need you all night long…one day you will see your child become the man or woman you raised him or her to be…and it will so be worth it.
Anonymous @11:57– I am so sorry for your pain. That sounds hollow, but know that you will be in my prayers. Please, for your sake, remove all the alcohol from your house. If the drinking is a problem — get the stuff out. There is no valid reason anyone can give as why any household has to have even one bottle. Of course, that doesn’t deal with the underlying issues but it is a great first step. You know that, at best, it only partially numbs the pain while adding an additional problem into the mix. Maybe your strength in giving up drinking might give your husband impetous to put aside the sites he is visiting. That sort of thing can be soul crushing too, Anonymous. A friend of mine has issues in that area and for the his sake has come to realize he must not use a computer except for SOLELY work related usage. When he speaks in general terms about that periods of his life the pain he still feels is nearly palpable. As mentioned by others, I’d also recommend Retrouvaille - http://www.retrouvaille.org/.
For the mom worried about the whole socialization issue for her kids if she home schools them… The nicest kids we know are the homeschoolers. Because of physical disabilities I am not capable of homeschooling my son, yet, even though he is an only child, I would if I could. We feel blessed to be involved with the homeschooled kids in Emmitsburg, MD. Truly blessed. Their parents are actively involved in their upbringing and conciously promote an vibrant Catholic culture. If someone has more than one child or if they have only one and there are other homeschooling families in area, I would encourage them to try it. The results I have seen make me thank God for those willing and capable of doing it. They are making some big sacrifices that can only improve our world.
T with Honey — Your post made me remember a school Mass that I attended when I had to have been 8, 9 at the most. It was probably 1971 or so. Someone dressed in a black leotard performed “Morning Has Broken.” This was cutting edge stuff at the time. We were even told it was a significant move in the Church. Ohhhh, ahhhh… we were prepped to appreciate this extra dimension of worship. Just the same, even to my young mind, it didn’t seem appropriate. Liked the song - first time I had heard it - but didn’t think that was the place for such expression. I hope you speak to your pastor and listen to that which the Holy Spirit places in your heart.
Danielle — Hope you have a great time in St. Louis!
Peace. ~~~mary
P.S. Julie — May I suggest turning off the computer when the 3 year old is around? That or be sure you teach him to go to Amazon through Danielle’s portal so she gets credit. lol
I am house sharing right now with another woman who has 3 kids (my husband is deployed and she was kind enough to open her house to me so I wouldn’t be alone after I have my 5th child in april). All totaled we have 7 kids under 7 between the two of us.
The thing we are finding the most difficult is MEALS. They are SO chaotic. Especially breakfast when everyone seems to be absolutely starving. They crowd in the kitchen trying to get peeks of what is being cooked…some of the little hands like to swipe! It seems that we spend the first hour of every morning being nagged to death by small “starving” children. By the end of breakfast we are both wondering why we even got out of bed. lol.
Can you walk us through your morning routine…and what you make your kids for breakfast. We need ideas for what is cheap but has a quick prep time.
Karen in Florida:
Feel your pain. There are several schools going to the “actual cost tuition” structure. I believe it is an incredible penalty to those of us trying desperately to simply live on one income, let alone educate the children we have been given and may yet still have.
The bishops are in an understandable financial bind; the cost of education is sky-high. When nuns and brothers taught in the schools there might have been some chance to break even, but now that is the exception. Where will the money come from? Obviously we want Catholic education to continue. Unfortunately, this method of making everyone pay the real costs will result in only the very richest Catholics — and anyone else willing to pony up the cash — being able to afford Catholic education in school.
What burns me is that we are still hearing about sacrificing, and how our parents and grandparents were poor too, and how they still sent their kids to school. My answer to that is, the tuition to cost of living ratio was a fraction of what it is for an average one-income family today. Today, to have to pay more than your mortgage is out of the question. And many people who are living on one income have trouble doing that. L ike us…
My belief is that soon there will be so many people who cannot afford even the mediocre Catholic schools that either the system will change drastically, or homeschooling will become even more common than it is today.
A thought about the praise songs during Mass. Our church uses them, at ALL the Masses if they are included as part of the music for the weekend - no special contemporary or kids Mass. We don’t do the hand motions with them, however, some people clap or put their hands in the air if they wish. My thought is the recessional hymn is after Mass has ended, since Mass is ended when the priest gives the blessing and then says, “Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.” So if you wanted to do a praise and worship song with hand motions maybe it would be more comfortable to do it there. We are praising God, but Mass is officially over, so it wouldn’t necessarily be that the children were performing during Mass. I don’t know, just a thought.
Danielle, have you ever considered sponsoring a “sister site” where devoted readers can do what we’re doing here, but in an organized fashion? (Oh shoot, they have a name… is it listserve?) That might be too big a beast to take on, but it sure would be cool! Maybe there already is a site out there that someone could recommend.
Thanks for this website. From what I understand you started it just to practice your writing … but it seems to have turned into something much more than just that!
Paige, you could try cooking oatmeal in the crockpot overnight. Put one cup of steel cut oats (find them in the bulk bin at your grocery store or health food store) and four cups of water. Cook on low from 10pm to 7am. Serve with a little cream, or maple syrup, raisins, honey, dried cranberries, or whatever way the children will eat it. I like mine with agave nectar.
Some mornings I wake before my three under five and make a fast pancake (you can make the dry mix the night before) or eggs and toast.
And other mornings I have been known to let PBS distract them until breakfast is served!
Danielle:
You can always FREEZE bananas that are past their eating date to make banana bread later. I often throw them in whole, if I have room, or you can mush them into a ziploc or freezer container. That way, they are pre-mashed! Works like a charm!
I love you guys. Keep ‘em coming.
Um, you mean that some of you actually make banana bread with bananas that are NOT black & frostbitten like the ones pictured???
Shoot, that’s the only kind I’ve ever used! (I once counted up ziploc bags & had 20 (yes, twenty) frozen black bananas waiting patiently for me to get inspired.)
Re: Ovarian cysts…I have read that flaxseed oil (1-3g/day) helps, and that ibuprofen/NSAIDS are to be avoided.
To Canadianmom (and anyone else who wonders the same thing): I was homeschooled from 1st through 8th grades, went one semester to a “Catholic” (my mom won’t call them that since it really isn’t accurate here. She calls them “tuition-charging schools”) high school, then was homeschooled until 2nd semester senior year. At that time, we were on the early end of homeschooling and thought it might be good to have a diploma. Nowadays, colleges have had enough homeschooled kids that they don’t really care about the diploma, as long as ACT/SAT scores are good. I am one of four and we all did something a bit different for high school. My brother went full time to a tuition-charging school. My sister did one year of that, then part-time to a public high school. My youngest brother did all four years part-time in public school. None of us had any problem getting into college and we all did well. I should note that none of us credit our good higher education careers to our institutional schooling - quite the opposite! Anyway, the point is, look at each individual child when the time comes rather than relying on a “one size fits all” solution for high school. And don’t worry about how they will do in college. During high school I did take some classes at a local university through their “early entry program,” pretty much like AP courses except the real thing. That type of thing might help you gauge how they are doing academically as well as help you feel confident that they are learning whatever you don’t feel competent to teach.
canadianmom, both my kids were homeschooled all the way until college. They did each take some college courses while still living at home before going to college full time. What they found was that they were far better prepared than the students that had been to public school (even better than the ones who’d taken AP courses). As a matter of fact, one of my daughter’s friends told her that homeschooling shouldn’t be allowed because homeschoolers had an unfair advantage when they got to college. We weren’t terribly organized, we didn’t finish textbooks, and the kids did no more than 3 hours a day of schoolwork all the way through high school. Yet they both graduated from university which they attended on scholarship (merit based). One graduated with a B- average, the other graduated magna cum laude.
The real key as I saw it was making learning an attractive thing and then giving them at least some freedom to pursue areas of learning that interested them without a whole lot of assessment in those areas. There will be areas where you have to have accountability because of the state, but they need to have some areas where they can chart their own course, so to speak. My daughter did this in both domestic arts and in animal training and the sciences, my son was far more interested in history, geography ornithology, and theology. They continue to pursue their own independent interests as adults and are interested now in the things they didn’t learn in college. I must say that a lot of those independent interests actually were of more assistance to them in college than the formal curriculum we followed.
Regina -
I completely understand what you are saying. I have been struggling with post-partum depression for over a year now. It sometimes seems like everyone calls me because I’m a good listener, but who ever takes the time to listen to me?? Not that I was completely forth-coming wth the problems I was having… But I desperately wanted someoneto listen to me and hear with I was struggling with.
We recently move cross-country and I am making it a point not just to meet people, but to invest time with people I truly enjoy being with and to make friends that reciprocate in the listening department.
My husband is so wonderful and really my best friend, but women still need women friends to talk to. It taking a while, but I have been persstent in getting involved in activities that I enjoy and through those I have met some wonderful, true friends.
I have foud great strengh in Danielle’s Lenten posts - she’s obviously a loving and devoted mother and yet she still struggles with making time to do the little things with her kids - like sitting to read books and not rushing through bedtime, etc. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. And that’s ok.
Danielle you rock. You rock!
Seriously, though, are there any small-family people out there? Some of us have fantasized about being the “homseshooling (or active PTA) mom of five (or six or whatever)”, and yet reality is something different. How does anyone else show that they are as open to life as a big-family-mama? How does anyone else not get up into someone else’s face when they push and push and push your buttons? Do you know how many parents of only-two-thank-you get on my case about having only one child? On a daily basis sometimes? How does anyone else keep from throttling the next person who points out that their husband/father/mother/grandchild is an only child and so miserable? How do you answer them with grace?
For Findinghumility about the foster kid thing: my family of origin took in a lot of foster kids and people in trouble.
As an adult, I talked to my mom about it and she said that if she had to do it over she would not have taken in kids that were older than her biological kids and basically she wouldn’t have done it before we were teenagers.
This is NOT saying that you are doing the wrong thing, just that caring for foster kids, of itself, takes a tremendous amount of emotional (and physical) energy. Taking care of 4 kids under 4 will be that way anyway (My oldest was 4 when my 4th was born), but the foster issue does multiply the problem. Again, this is not to say that this is not what God is calling you to do, but it does require careful discernment flowing from your sacramental union.
And, yes, it would be normal to feel extremely overwhelmed and have trouble emotionally bonding!
I will be praying for you today!
Thank you Ambrose, I was just thinking the same thing. Our older son has autism and although we tried for years to have another child we were not so blessed until our older boy was 8.5. The number of people who asked me if we “decided not to have any more after we got D’s diagnosis” would amaze you. I usually responded, “I’d have ten, ok, six, if they were all like D” and that shut them up
Also I would be taken to task when I expressed my pro-life beliefs, people pointing out that I had “only one child” and I did not “need to work”. AAGGh. Also I am surrounded by cultural Catholics who talk openly about ‘being Done’ and being “all tied up” and think cohabitation once you are engaged is no big deal. It is very disheartening. Just wanted to vent, thanks, Oh and I hope I am not banned from this list because our children attend public school. In NYC yet. Oy. I appreciate how Danielle provides a forum where we can all express our thoughts IN CHARITY. Thanks everyone and God Bless You.
Regarding the cost of Catholic Schools - We are in the same situation. The only parish school we could get into is $5500/year with no multiple child discount etc. We’d have 5 in. It bums me out - my husband makes great money, but I don’t see $27,500 coming our of our budget anytime soon. I homeschooled for two years and loved many things about it, but decided after much prayer it isn’t for us right now. So I did the unthinkable! I enrolled our oldest in the public school at the end of our block. Granted, we are in one of the highest rated school districts in the country . . . so it’s a solid academic program, but it’s not Catholic…. and guess what!? we dig it. It is wholesome and the school goes out of its way to communicate the “whats/whens” of anything that could potentially be controversial (i.e teaching the human reproductive system). This school only goes to 5th grade, and then we plan on 70% homeschooling junior high and having her attend the other 30% pt at the local junior high. I still homeschool religious ed, gramamr and Latin. Works for us!
My heart goes out to so many of you. I have no words that have not already been said. I will offer my Holy Hour tomorrow night for you. I will pray for you all.
Danielle, including you, since you have to answer all these!!! Extra prayers for you! Thank you for all you do!
I also live in the midwest, but haven’t heard of this increase in Catholic tuition…thank goodness.
Hmmm…does your parish have tuition assistance? All of ours around here offer that as an incentive to help out those who can’t afford it, you also have tax benefits when you file your tax returns. Also, there is a tax incentive based “scholarship” fund that people can sign up for (kind of like financial aid for college) that can help to pay a portion of their tuition.
I hope some of these options are available and just not known to all of you. I’m sorry not to have the specifics, but if you need more info, I’ll check with my husband. He handles the more complicated issues dealing with our finances.
Good luck!
RE: Preemies
I cannot imagine how much pain your friend is in! I just had my third child. I was counting on a normal, natural delivery. She was by c-section and I felt devastated. Other than the c-section, everything went perfectly well and she was perfectly healthy. The reason for my grief was that I equate a c-section with a limitations on the number of future pregnancies. I wanted lots of kids, but now this means lots of c-sections (Vbacs are not allowed any hospital within two hours of us). I was crushed. Could this mean only three or four for me?
Now, top this with a preemie, time in the NICU, and it only being her first - your friend is truly grieving! Some of this grief will subside once the hormones balance back out, but she will still have some hurt. I would suggest sharing the stories of others who have been through this. My sister-in-law nearly lost her baby and herself with her first. She went on to have six more kids (two miscarriages), and with only half a kidney! Finding the stories may be tough, but hearing them helped me.
Shower her baby with attention and praise. This may indirectly remind her how precious each is, and that she should concentrate on and be thankful for this one now (just don’t say this to her! She is having a hard enough time trying to keep this in mind). Also, help her in ways you would help any new mom. Bring over meals, offer to clean, off to help mailing out birth announcements, etc. Once the baby is home, offer to come over and hold her while mom rests, or sits and chats with you. The overwhelming task of a new baby adds to her difficult situation, and you can help lighten this.
RE: Potty training - STICKERS!!!! I got my eldest a blank book, her “sticker book” which we used the same way as a the previously mentioned chart, but without a formal chart. She put the stickers wherever and however she wanted. She could sit on the potty with her book until she went. It worked great!
Liturgical abuse resources:
EWTN : Faith Q&A (online)
Adoremus.org
St-joseph-foundation.org
First…Danielle…this must truly be Lent because you will have SO many questions to answer.
Secondly, regarding Praise and Worship Music…I definitely see your point…here is another.
Youth are attracted to contemporary Praise and Worship. I strongly encourage the youth of our parish to listen to Christian music rather than the other “trashy” alternatives that are so readily available. MANY times youth have been listening to Christian music and will say to me, “will this work for OUR church?” Confused, I finally asked them to be specific on what they ment by “our” church. Here is a summary of two of their comments, they felt it was a sin/wrong to sing any other songs other than CATHOLIC songs inside the church.
We had a very good discussion about which songs were appropriate for each part of the mass and why. I also showed them songs that were sang ANYWHERE. I also showed them more traditional songs and explained why they were Catholic. I explained that not all songs need to be “fast/hip”. By the time I was done, there were MANY kids listening, not just two.
I guess what I want to say is educating our youth is so important. I know how hard it is to volunteer. I agree with you about the “performance”, but I am also hearing the needs of our youth. Is there a balance?
Danielle,
We obviously have a lot of questions, as well as a lot of advice. Perhaps once a week you could choose someone’s question and leave it open for responses. I know you do this every once in awhile, but there are surely enough questions out there to do it on a regular basis. I would think this would lighten your load, and I’m sure those of us on the receiving end would appreciate it!
Danielle,
Thank you for opening this up for ALL the different questions that have been offered so far…..there is nothing too small to be addressed and beloved recipe requests DO NOT detract from the tougher situations that some of the families in this corner of the blogosphere are having to endure.
I am glad that this is a safe forum to ask hard, heart-breaking questions, as well as banana bread and brownie recipes and everything in between. That is what having *friends* is all about: encouraging and commiserating about life: the big stuff and the minutia. It is all important.
Thank you once again,
Sincerely,
Donna
To the anonymous with the difficult marriage, some thoughts:
One, take care of yourself to help you deal with this. Your first priority is prayer, and we all know how hard that can be when you have everything else on top of you. Try to take a walk outside everyday. Mind and body are connected and one will help the other. While you are walking, complain to God. That’s right, complain to God. Tell Him about you and your marriage and what you want. God knows the type of life that He wants for you and your husband. Prayer will get you there. Remember that you have great (and specific) graces available to you from the Sacrament of Matrimony that you share.
Two, some great suggestions have been Retrovaille (or however you spell it) and a holy priest. Excellent suggestions. Keep in mind, though, if you need it, there is website called catholictherapist.com. They will help you find a faithful, Catholic therapist in your area to help you (and your husband, when he is ready) when or if the time comes.
Lastly, ladies who are home with littles and going out of your minds (been there, well, am there), please pray for the ladies here who have so graciously shared their problems. When I feel like I’m trapped and can’t go out to evangelize the world, I remember that St. Therese of Lisieux prayed for missionaries from her little sickbed. In our little, hidden lives we can pray for those who are hurting so badly with our little sacrifices (dirty diapers, husbands who “just don’t appreciate us”) and all of the little crosses we have in our daily lives.
Thanks, Danielle, for this forum. I know many have been helped by having the ability to share these parts of their lives anonymously.
In honor of the upcoming feast of the Annunciation, how about another fund raiser for St. Gianna’s?
Ambrose and Lady Hatton, I hear you! I have three lovely daughters and would love to have more if/when I can take care of a medical issue, but as I’m approaching 40 I realize that “more” might be “one or so more if we’re really blessed and really lucky” etc. Which is fine, but far short of the large family I’d planned on having.
To me, that was part of the challenge: accepting the fact that I’d always assumed that God would give any woman who was open to life and actively desiring children all the children she could possibly have, whole vans full, even. Since things haven’t worked out that way for me, I’ve become much more aware of two things–one, that many women desire children greatly but are infertile, or have one, or two, or some number far fewer than they’d always “planned” on having; and two, that my own tendency in my younger years to judge every small family and assume that they had to be using contraception was a very sinful attitude on my part, a sin of rash judgment directed against my neighbors.
Women who are blessed with large families are living a very visible counter cultural witness to the world and its false values, and this special grace is, I think, granted them in light of the very real sacrifices and hardships that mothering a large family entails. Those of us who are never going to fill a full-sized van with our blessings can still witness to the world, though; it just takes more direct action on our part, a willingness to speak up if someone assumes we’re “planning” our families, an openness to welcoming larger families into our homes and lives, and the quick and generous response we can make in charity to the needs of the larger families around us. If that charity takes the form of financial contribution, that’s fine, but if we can’t give material goods we can often offer our time in some way; we can certainly offer our prayers and whatever cheerful solidarity we can give to the moms of many.
To Lady Hatton and Midwest Mom,
Our five children attend our neighborhood public school and we love it, much more so than we thought that we would when we nervously enrolled them years ago. All the hype, scary stories and rumors were just that, scare tactics by well meaning but ignorant folks. Do what’s right for your family because nobody knows your situation but you. There are times when I feel like a persona nongrata in some Catholic circles, but then I remind myself that JP2 attended public school. And of course, my children are happy.
To the mother who was disappointed after having a c-section and questioning the number of children she will be able to have:
Though the nearest hospital that will let you attempt a VBAC is two hours away I would seriously consider trying to deliver at one of those with your next pregnancy, or trying for a home birth. No hospital should have the motto “Once a c-section, always a c-section.” Our local hospital has that motto and that is one reason I drive over an hour away to a different hospital. I have never had a c-section but I did not want to give birth in an enviroment that was so medical and non-bending. Unless there is something different about your body that requires a c-section there is no reason that you can not attempt and succed with a VBAC and there is NO reason to have a c-section unless in an emergency or when there are problems with a mother’s body or baby (breech, etc.). So rather than worry now about your future births and number of children enjoy that precious baby that you have now and then think of your options once you get pregnant next time…driving so far to have a VBAC is not a terrible thing when the opposite would just be a c-section.
Plug for “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. No it is not from a Catholic perspective. We need to apply Catholic teaching. But women must stop trying to make men into our girlfriends. Men think and act differently. They have needs that we promised to try to fulfill all the years of ourlives. Everytime I have ignored my moods, will etc and just tried to do 1 nice thing for my husband, the entire home was better for the entire day— Even if no one but God knew!
CSects: I’ve had 5. First one allowed for VBacs for the next 2 children. But the next 1 was a true emergency so that I was told to be extremely cautious. Yes we had 3 more and I wouldn’t trade for anything but it was very frightening for the physicians. They had seen ruptured scars. There is no warning sign. There is no way to predict.
The good news is you might get to pick your childs Birthday. The ONLY bad news is 8 weeks recovery instead of 6. And a scar no one besides your husband will see.
It does not have to be a defeat. My husband is very proud of how well he can run our family while I recover.
Without CSections my Sarah might have suffered Cerebral palsy or died at birth. Without Csects my Memere grieved for 60 years, a stillborn that could have been saved.
God will be there for you.
Dear Danielle,
What is your favourite colour?
What is your favourite number?
Who is your favourite male & female Saint?
What is your favourite month of the year?
What is your favourite book?
What is your favourite movie?
What is your favourite song at the moment?
What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?
I read earlier about how someone recommended a listserv or more open questions. Have to say-I’d love it. I love reading what other people have to say, especially those on this blog.
Apologies to Kateri, but I must say… hermit crabs are gross.
What do you do for Easter baskets?
Also, how do you handle birthday/Christmas presents? We have 2 girls and one baby in utero and I already feel like we’re drowning in presents each holiday and birthday. We give away on a regular basis. How do others handle this?
Danielle, thank you for the encouragement and laughs and your beautifully Catholic blog. I love it.
Ambrose -
Even though at 44 I have only one child, I have no need to “show” that I am open to life and that works for me. I don’t know if I’m more or less open to life than anyone else and don’t feel called to look into the matter. Perhaps, this comes from the fact that I try to openly discuss life issues as situations are made available. If you are aware of the issues involved in that big issue - LifeNews.com’s newsletters are great for the national/international info - then you’ll find yourself capable of interjecting a life viewpoint into many a conversation. Also, if you are busy participating in parish and diocesan pro-life initiatives, coupled with visiting a nursing homes to enhance the lives of the elderly and disabled - plus offering prayers for the cause - I doubt anyone will be able to rankle you about your degree of dedication to the promotion of God’s abundance. God is love. Being pro-life is a matter of being open to sharing that love. If you show a child a positive approach to a situation, then you are sharing that love. If you wipe the face of a drooling patient, you are sharing that love. If you smile at a frustrated cashier even though they may be further impeding your own frustrating day, you are sharing that love. If you donate used clothing to the poor, you are sharing that love. If you help load an elderly person’s groceries, you are sharing that love. If you take communion to the homebound, you are sharing that love. In that love that is shared grows, everyday affords each of us opportunities to give birth to the precious gift of love - God’s gift of love.
I personally think that we women with small families can be a blessing to our sisters with big family, and visa versa. I’ve never known a friend to say she can’t use a bit of a hand or even a break. This then gives me a chance to throw my son into the mix of the chaotic fun of a full house. He loves it — every bit of it — from tying shoes to impromptu kick ball games.
Ambrose, if someone is so thoughtless as to say something negative about your family situation and you really want to say something to them, simply say, “I know you don’t mean to be offensive, therefore, I have to tell you that what you just said could be very hurtful to someone. I thought you’d want to know.” Then pray for them. It has to be tough for them to have to be so terribly petty.
To Ambrose, Red Cardigan and LadyHatton,
We too are a smaller family, and for a variety of reasons will probably stay that way. While I sometimes wish for more children, I have come to discern that God has gifted us in different ways, and it’s our job to figure out the best ways to use His gifts. I love what Red Cardigan said in regards to this, and I totally agree.
As for school, we too are a public school family. My husband is in public school administration now, and formerly was a teacher and principal. We’ve seen it from all angles, good and bad. For us, it’s the right place for our kids, and they are thriving. I do religious ed. at home, and they take classes at our wonderful parish.
To Karen in Florida
I am a teacher in the Catholic School system in the Archdiocese of New York. Yes, your bishop is right, those changing are taking place. Catholic Schools are struggling to survive. Teachers in Catholic schools do not make a great salary. We sacrifice in salary for what we believe in. What is driving up costs so much is health insurance, and other benifits. Many of us do not take health insurance because our husbands have it, and that saves over $20, 000 a year per teacher. Yes, that is how much health insurance costs, it’s ridiculous. There are some teachers who must take their health insurance benefit because they are single or have no other health insurance. These teachers deserve these benefits just like any other person in the workforce. It is a shame that the cost of Catholic Education is so out of reach for so many people today.
hi-here is an intimate and embarassing question. maybe some can relate or give their input. i would really like that. thanks.
well, i am wondering if it is a common thing that moms of young kids (many young ones) have a hard time coming to “completion”? is this an alright thing to ask? i have posted on ewtn faith questions with no results. i am at a lost. i am learning to accept this. i have “never” you know and been married close to 10 years now with baby 6 on the way. i adore myhusband and i know he adores me too. it saddens him immensely. we have tried to have things quiet, clean, tried some wine, relaxed, gone away for a weekend. the list can go on. well, nothing happened. it is very easy for him to and i am accepting that maybe this is a cross. or is it? is this a normal thing? do others go through all this too? is there a slim possiblity? or is it just no. i asked my obgyn a few years ago and he confirmed there is nothing physically wrong.
i am relieved to be able to ask out there and get some real answers. oh, my husband and i are very adherent to our Catholic Faith and would do nothing not in line with our Church and her beautiful teachings. i have read theology of the body too.
i hope someone out there can relate or give me advice. thanks. sorry if it is a bit personal.
Gee, You must think I am an awful teacher, my grammar wasn’t very good in that last post. I meant to say “changes” instead of changing. Had a hard day today. Too many sad things this week. First my cousin’s daughter who passed away at 26, then my best friend’s Mom early this morning. Then, car trouble this afternoon. Sorry to whine, but I think that I deserve it today.
Dear Anony,
I wish I had asked a good group rather than the wrong people years ago. I will say wine/caffeine/sugar doesn’t help. It does not have to be at the same time as his and you’ll love getting older because it usually helps. At a certain age your body finally gets it act together.
Dear Anony,
I would like to give some thoughts on your question, but am a bit hesitant to do it here for “all the world” to see. I think I can discreetly share some things that might help. But I’d rather do it privately through email. If you’d like, you can email me at: