In an effort to tackle at least part of what has come up in the open thread below, I’ll address one of the most frequently brought up topics: Homeschooling. I hear from people all the time about homeschooling. They want to know: what is my homeschool philosophy, what curriculum do I use, how do I do it, why do I do it, and do I think they should do it too?
Well, geesh. I don’t often write about homeschooling because when it comes right down to it, I’m a bit of a reluctant spokesperson. But now, since it is the start of a new school year, and since I am crazy enough to say things that might alienate me from people on both sides of a hot topic, I’ll share with you the whole truth of my thoughts about homeschooling.
I love homeschooling. And I hate homeschooling.
— I love that I can give each of my children specialized, personalized education that meets them where they are and is flexible and adjustable as their needs change.
— But I hate the burden of being responsible for my children’s educations. I hate lying awake in the middle of the night sometimes quite certain that I have failed to meet an 8 year old’s needs for map skills or Latin flashcards.
— I love that I am truly connected to all of my children — even the older ones — and that their father and I are the first people they come to with questions or problems, big or small.
— But I hate that my kids aren’t answerable to any adult who is not a parent for their schoolwork — a simple fact that I know motivated me as a young student.
— I love that our daily schedule is built around our family’s needs and preferences and does not revolve around an outside institution.
— But I hate giving up the long stretches of quiet I know I could have in my days to write, to read, to scrub a toilet, to just breathe, if only I would send my kids to school.
— I love that my younger children truly know and love their older brothers and sisters and that the none of my big kids considers himself “too cool” to accommodate a 5 year old or entertain a toddler.
— But I hate that my littlest ones don’t get as many stories read aloud to them by their mother as my oldest ones did at their age.
— I love that my kids are spared the negative influences of peer pressure, materialism, and just plain cruelty that permeates so many schools’ social structures.
— But I hate the burned out, never-done feeling that threatens to overwhelm me some mornings as 8 children accost me with grammatical crises, algebraic emergencies, geographic quandaries, and a desperate need for apple juice all at the same time.
Since so many homeschoolers must continually defend and explain our decisions, it can be tempting to sugarcoat the entire experience — at least in public. We are so busy trying to sell homeschooling all the time, that we don’t dare to admit any of its shortcomings. But I don’t think we do anyone any favors by failing to admit that homeschooling is sometimes an enormous sacrifice or by pretending it’s an ideal for every family.
Homeschooling is not perfect. It is an awfully hard commitment to make and to keep on making. And yet I always find my reluctant self admitting that it is the right one for me, for now, for one more year.
I have been battling with this every year that we’ve homeschooled, which now has only been one. We are in our second year, and the oldest is only first grade. I sat in my kitchen today, envious of the other mothers who sent their kids off to school and enjoyed some quiet time. I would kill for quiet time, but, somewhere in the deepest parts of my heart and soul, I know God is asking us to homeschool. For some of the very reasons you have listed above. Do I want to homeschool? Honestly, it’s "no" alot of the times. But, something (or Someone) has swayed my heart when I reach my breaking points in wanting to send them to school. Homeschooling is indeed, not perfect. Nor is it a calling for every family. I am right there with you Danielle, in reluctantly saying, again, for one more year, this is best for our family. Thank you SO much for posting this!
thanks for posting this Danielle. as a hoping to be homeschooler (as in, when this in utero baby hits 4 or 5!), i really only ever hear about the positives. However, as a teacher in a Catholic school, i see everyday the positives that institutional school has to offer, and do get kind of offended when home schoolers automatically assume that institutions are worthless.
it really is a calling, and thus a cross, and therefore, not always infinitely enjoyable! :p
Amen.
PS. The brevity of this comment is symbolic of both my oneness of heart with this post and my busyness at present.
Ack! My daughter’s math needs grading! My son’s history text needs reviewing! The supper’s burning! Gotta go!
Danielle, this is a great post. You want to know why? Because you allow for the differences God made within each home.
I discerned that I am not called to homeschool, but my husband and I did discern. We didn’t brush it off as a "No Way." Nor did we accept that parochial school was a must. We weighed it all. We feel that parochial school is really what we want for our kids, just as you feel with homeschooling. And we are both right.
It’s refreshing to hear your honesty and candor. I think it’s different strokes for different folks and God bless everyone in this school year. You mothers who teach-you rock!
Thank You from the bottom of my heart Lina!
You said "However, as a teacher in a Catholic school, i see everyday the positives that institutional school has to offer, and do get kind of offended when home schoolers automatically assume that institutions are worthless."
I have come across this same problem. As a teacher in a Catholic school, who has sent every one of her children through Catholic School, it is wonderful to be appreciated. I knew I could never homeschool, and yes I did enjoy the "quiet times", and no Danielle, I really never had the opportunity to "read more" to my younger children even though their older siblings were in school. You have to live it, to understand. I do admit I dont’ know how people can homeschool for years and years and never have any time for themselves. This might sound selfish, but that is how I am. I give those homeschoolers a lot of credit! Please do not take this the wrong way, any of you wonderful homeschoolers out there, but in my personal experience in my area of the country, children who are homeschooled stick out like sore thumbs and a lot of times are socially behind. This is one aspect I would like to hear about. Socialization is so important. As a Kindergarten teacher, I stress this skill above all others. Can some of you tell me how you make sure your children are "up to par" in this area? Again, I think it is wonderful and a blessing that you are able to homeschool your children.
We do both. Two of our children are homeschooled and the others attend parochial school. The most important thing in determining whether to homeschool or not is not necessarily how you, as mom, feel about it, but what is best for your children. The two whom I school at home love learning with me and thrive academically and socially (in my town there is no shortage of homeschoolers). They are my more free spirited, fly by the seat of their pants kids. My school children also thrive academically and socially in the structured school environment. They love rules and definite schedules for turning in work. My husband and I decided on schooling two different ways after years of prayer and seeking God’s will for our children, and we learned, His will may sometimes be different for each child.
To Joan…As a homeschooler (for the past 9 years), I have to say that the "socialization" question has been a HUGE thorn in my side. My children do not "stick out like sore thumbs" and, in fact, we are complimented ALL THE TIME (as we just were about an hour ago at a golf outing) for the behavior of our children in a group setting. The lady who complimented them tonight (3 boys & our baby girl) is a bus driver who, before she even knew we homeschool, told me how wonderful she thought my boys were. And she was watching them last night, too…she was amazed at how well they got along & how much they love their baby sister, even my soon to be 16 yr old. When I told her that I homeschool my children, she said that she can "always tell" when children are homeschooled b/c they tend to be more mature & can carry on conversations w/people of all ages vs. only knowing how to relate to kids their own age. This is definitely something that I have reinforced in our homeschool b/c when my children are out of college & in the world working, they won’t be in an office full of people their own age but very varied ages instead.
Now…that is NOT to say that I am anti-public school at all. Our oldest went to ps for 4th grade b/c I had been suffering from depression and life was just very overwhelming for me at that time. It wasn’t fair to him b/c I had 2 little ones and my depression to handle here at home. It was a hard year and w/in 2 weeks we knew that the following year, he would be home again b/c we were definitely a "homeschooling family."
That has changed again this year, after his being home for the past 5 yrs as he is entering the local public high school next Tuesday as a 10th grader. He has LOADS of friends there, has been on the varsity golf team since last year (homeschoolers are "allowed" to use any/all public school programs so we were there for the golf try outs & he made it even though there was only one space available & he was a freshman) and has made a bunch more friends through that venue.
Kids playing soccer, baseball, etc., get the outside exposure but just going grocery shopping w/mom every week exposes them, again, to people of all age groups & they learn to be respectful as well as being able to converse as I mentioned earlier.
Danielle is SO right that homeschooling is not an easy choice…and I am still homeschooling my 2 boys while we take turns chasing the toddler around this year…and it’s not right for everyone. It’s hard, long days w/NO time alone for Mom but it’s also something that I wouldn’t trade for the world. For now. lol God bless you now & always!!!
Thank you for your refreshingly honest post! I send my children to public school and often feel like this is Dante’s innermost ring of hell with orthodox Catholic families -first there’s homeschooling, then parochial school, and finally at the bottom of the ladder are those poor schlubs in that demonic public school. The truth is, we love our school and our town and our faith and it just works for us. Teaching academics isn’t my thing and I give all you moms who are called to do so a big high five. And yes, the quiet time is really nice… one more week to school.
Yahoo!
just to clarify…when I said I am still homeschooling my 2 boys…I mean my 2 younger boys while our oldest is going to ps for 10th grade. There are 4 here altogether. ; )
I’m really interested in knowing what Joan means when she writes that homeschoolers really "stick out like sore thumbs"! Sometimes, unfortunately, I think my kids really do stick out because the kids around our neighborhood think we’re really weird. I don’t know if it’s due to homeschooling, living out our Catholic faith, or because we are WEIRD period. What exactly, in objective terms, do these homeschoolers do that make them stick out like that?
I’m sorry Sue. I should have been more clear. What sticks out the most, is their lack of skills in the socialization area. Believe me, I am sure not "all" homeschoolers stick out like sore thumbs. I really meant no malice in this. I do apologize if you took offense.
To Anon,
It sounds like you are doing a great job with your kids. I wish I could meet more homeschooling families like yours. May I ask what part of the country you are in? In my neck of the woods (Borough of New York City) Homeschooling families are few and far between. And unfortunately for me, the ones I have met, have had social skills that need (using a mild work here) help. Again, I mean no malice at all. I need to meet good, well rounded homeschooling families! Lets have a "Danielle Bean" Meeting !
I was homeschooled for the last six years of my education and have started my oldest daughter in homeschooling pre-school this year. Though I do not think that one form of education is the right one, I do know that homeschooling IS the right one for our family. I know that it will be hard to have no "me" time but it will be easier in the sense that we won’t have to rush out the door each morning, have teacher/parent meetings, and so forth. Each form of schooling has its ups and down. BUT, I do want to stress that the biggest pet peeve of mine is when I hear about socialization and lack of with homeschoolers. I always hear such good comments about how kind, polite, and mature homeschoolers are from complete strangers but then when a debate or conversation comes up about homeschooling vs. other forms of education socialization is bound to come up. Homeschooled kids are not locked in the house all day and never allowed to see daylight. They are out in public with their parents, many are in sports or other youth activities, etc. Sure, some homeschooled children can be shy but so can a public schooled child. I never thought that one was to send a child to school in order to become socialized, but rather to learn. Socialization can happen outside of a school and with homeschoolers it is a wide varitey of socializing, with all ages, not just a huge group of peers.
Dear Joan,
I wasn’t offended (really!!), just truly interested in knowing "how" some of the homeschoolers you met were socially inept. What did they say or do that was made you see them as lacking socialization?
I don’t homeschool my children, as I feel it’s not the right decision for our family personally, but I’d like to say, as a non-homeschooler, that I really admire those who do it. It’s an amazing responsibility, but one that I believe enriches the lives of the children in a wonderful way. I also think there are lots of ways to incorporate socialization. I have some friends and know some children right on my own block who are homeschooled and they’re just like my kiddos socially. In any event, I am not an expert on homeschooling, but I just wanted to say I truly admire those of you out there who do it. Sometimes I don’t think you all hear that enough from those of us who happen not to do it. God bless.
Nice post, Danielle. My wife and I were educated in public schools, and I used to think that homeschooling was pretty weird. But my perspective has changed quite a bit. We now intend to homeschool when our little ones get older. We just feel that the positives (some of which you mentioned) outweigh the negatives. But clearly it’s not easy, or even viable in some cases.
Oddly enough, as it may seem to some, I’d say socialization is the biggest thing that makes me favor homeschooling. As someone mentioned below, I’m not sure that spending so much time around peers who are very close to you in age and ability is all that helpful in terms of training for the "real world." And while there are some fun things about school that my kids might miss out on, I’d say that my own socialization via the school system had more negative elements than positive.
Clearly, there are challenges for parents either way.
About socialization and homeschooling….I have often wondered what the basis is for the label of homeschooled kids being socially behind? Yes, my kids stick out like a sore thumb…because when we go shopping they behave, help get items,sing, gush over all the babies we see and tell the moms how great their babies are, they don’t jump up and down screaming if I tell them they can’t have something. They help push the cart without asking, someones grabbing the baby so I can pay, the ones sitting on the bench sit nicely with an occasional outburst from being "squished" between siblings and they all yell out a big thank you in the end. We get told a lot how well behaved and helpful our kids are by others who have no clue we homeschool. Would any of us know the difference if we didn’t know whether or not a family homeschools? I for one wouldn’t know or label a family as a homeschooled or institutional schooled based on actions in public. So is social behavior scrutinized once the term homeschooled is used? From personal experience we stick out like a sore thumb, not because we homeschool but because we are a large family still growing. No disrespect or intent to offend anyone….just an observation and my thoughts on the subject.
Elizabeth,
Being a Kindergarten teacher, I see all kinds of kids. Shy, outgoing, insecure, very mature, very immature, hyperactive etc. Kids come in all varieties, including homeschooled kids and parachial schooled and public schooled children. The homeschooled children I have had contact with just lack socialization skills. IT could be from their family background,and just the way they are. If they weren’t homeschooled they might be the same way. I am not here to make judgements on people. I am just sharing what I have observed. I am positive, as I said in my other post, that there are plenty of well rounded, socially up to par homeschooled children.
Sue, I will answer you in the morning, my bum back is killing me. I need time to "sleep on it" LOL.
If I had to give one group of kids the "edge" when it comes to socialization, it would be homeschoolers, as they learn social behaviors primarily from adults as opposed to schooled children who learn from their peers.
What a great post. I have a great admiration for homeschoolers. I often find myself standing up for homeschooling in conversations that I have with others who have some different views of it. Although we do not homeschool I would definitely consider it at anytime if my kids were not flourishing.
I don’t think we can put on label on anyone and say, public school kids are this and homeschool kids are that etc. It varies greatly, I worry about some of the homeschooling kids I know but I also see some of the public school kids who I worry about also.
I think we are fortunate to be in an amazing (public) school district. The teachers my kids have had have really rocked my world with their talent and love of children and teaching. I know I could not replicate for each of my children the education they are given.
I see God working daily in their lives in the situations and kids they meet at school. I am thankful that when my son’s teacher tells me she is amazed at how patient he is with the hardest to get along with child in the class.
I have to say it also helps that a good number of faithful family from my parish are also in the same school and the kids have connected with a core group of kids.
Prayers for all of you for a peaceful school year and the wisdom to know what is best for your family even if it is challenging.
Before I was a mom, I taught middle school. I saw so many terrific sixth graders "socialized" into being obnoxious eighth graders. I also taught flute lessons, and was able to see lots of daughter/mom relationships. I had lots of terrific girls, but the only girls I never saw roll their eyes at their mom were the ones who were homeschooled. It was such a different relationship. The moms were like very respected best friends, and these girls loved their brothers and sisters. They were the only ones who told me about their schoolwork, and there was such excitement as they talked about medieval feasts they had researched and cooked. They knew more history than I ever learned in public school.
My husband is a second grade teacher, and one of the many reasons we chose to homeschool was the socialization. My six year old begs to homeschool every day. I wasn’t planning to start until after Labor day, but we started this week. As a child, I remember waking up every morning with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, thinking only "I hate school". I was a top student, but quickly learned not to show too much enthusiasm in school, for fear of being picked on. I learned NEVER to say grace at the cafeteria table my first weeks of school. I learned how to fit in, but lost much of myself.
I’m sure my boys would be fine in public school, and right now, the plan is to have them attend high school. However, the more I homeschool, the more I can’t imagine doing anything else.
We chose to homeschool because we want to live our Catholic faith as a family and homeschooling was the answer for us.
Our kids went to Catholic school until 3rd grade…..the year that the principal/pastor decided to change to the public school curriculum because the schools test scores were low……not hard to imagine with 40 kids in a 3rd grade class with one teacher!!
Also, in order to "raise" the test scores….."special" classes were scaled back, if not cut out all together. Religion class was cut to TWO days a week !!!! Art and computers were cut out all together.
We have been teaching our three kids at home now for the past four years and I will tell you that it was the best decision we made as a family.
After all, children ARE a gift from God……..on loan to us for a short period of time. This is our way of making the most of it.
I, too am a homeschooling mother. I have six children, but will only be homeschooling four this year (3rd grade, 2nd, Kindergarten and Pre-School). I loved your post today. I have homeschooled since my first child started school and I have been taking it year by year. I love it and hate it. I receive so many comments from people who can’t believe I have six children AND I homeschool. "You must be a Saint." That is the general comment. I only wish that were close to being true. A lot of people ask how I do it, why I do it, when will I stop doing it? I find myself asking those same questions. After three years of homeschooling, I still second guess myself. "Am I doing the right thing? Are my kids learning enough?" I always come back to ‘the things that I love and hate’ about homeschooling. ‘The things that I love’ always outweigh ‘the things that I hate.’ ‘The things that I hate’ are the sacrifices that I have chosen to make for my children and ‘the things that I love’ are the fruit from those sacrifices. It is such a hard commitment to make and I have to constantly remind my selfish self that I have made it for all the right reasons. Thank you for saying the things that no one else comes out and says. I really appreciate your honesty and humor. I will think twice now about my comments in respect to homeschooling. It IS okay to admit that something is hard and that it is not fun all the time. But, I will follow up with how much it is worth it to me in the long haul.
First of all, I want to thank you, Danielle, for putting all this down so eloquently. While homeschooling is the choice that we feel is the best for our children, sometimes I just want to tear my hair out in frustration… whether it’s the needs of my kids hitting me all at once, or MY need for some serious alone time. I envy Moms who have the chance to be ALONE in their homes for several hours a day!
About our children "sticking out like sore thumbs" — it has been our experience that we get compliments wherever we go due to our kids being well behaved. We’ve had so many people — at Mass, in stores, in restaurants, libraries, and most recently at the Biltmore House — come up to us to tell us that they are amazed with "how good" our kids are.
Is it because I’m just an amazing mom? Hardly.
I think it is, in part, because we are around each other all day, learning how to cooperate, share, listen, help out, etc. that has helped OUR family grow in ways that perhaps it wouldn’t have otherwise. (I also think God sends these people our way to give us encouragement so we can keep at it when it gets rough!)
Danielle, thanks for being so "real." You very rarely hear an unbiased summary of homeschooling.
I have done it all. We’ve done homeschool, Catholic school, and now public school. There is no perfect solution. Each one has pros and cons. It really is a decision for each family. My research into homeschooling gave me confidence that my husband and I are the primary educators of our kids. My eyes were also opened to the vast amount of interesting material available for me to give my children. I also know I am never locked into a situation where I feel like my kids are in danger, spiritually or physically. I am grateful for all the pioneers of homeschooling.
However, in the spirit of honesty, I would like to continue with a few more homeschooling "issues" to consider. I know you have many younger moms who read this blog, and I feel like they deserve as much info as they can get. First of all, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HOMESCHOOL. Most of the Catholic stuff you read is all by homeschooling moms, and sometimes you may think if I really want to be holy and love my kids, I’ll homeschool. I have found even in regular school I am still super connected with my kids. I help with homework, I give them summer enrichment, I volunteer at their schools, I have lunch with them, I talk with each of them everynight. It does take a lot of energy, but I don’t feel like I’ve lost them. Also, I love being MOM. I love that I am not teacher too. (Of course I am still a teacher, but I am not trying to pick out curricula). I have someone else helping me with making sure they get place values and learn EXCEL. Also, I love being able to spend quality time with my little ones. I take them to story time and toddler class at the rec. center. When I was homeschooling, I always felt like they got the back burner. Finally, we participate in our parish RE program now, whereas we didn’t before. I love my children being a part of their parish community.
God bless you all in your discernment.
Great love/hate, pro/con list, Danielle! I could’ve written it myself.
The only thing I wanted to add, after reading the comments below, is that we home school moms DO need to seek out private time for ourselves. Of course, it will look much different than our friends’ whose kids all get on the bus in the morning, but I have always thought it essential to carve out a bit of time to be refreshed.
For me, this means getting up at 6:30 to exercise in my basement while the kids are all asleep – alone. It means taking a nap, every day, from about 2:30-3:30. It means a weekly date night with my husband, where we go out to dinner (doesn’t have to be expensive) and maybe see a movie. It means finding time for a bit of formal prayer in the afternoon or before bed.
I was just talking to my confessor last night about being overwhelmed (and we haven’t even started school yet!) with nine kids and eight to home school this year – the adorable 2 year old just gets into things. He reminded me that my "down times", my times for refreshment, were not optional. He said that because I home school, and have the tension of the kids needing me all day, every day, that it is imperative that I have a bit of time to myself every day.
I know this sounds so unrealistic to the other moms who home school. And I’m wondering myself how to add in a bit of fun or relaxation for myself – maybe out with a friend one evening, or even out with just one of my older kids to peruse Barnes and Noble, or an occasional horse back ride with a friend….I told my priest that it’s hard not to feel guilty about taking time out because there is always SO much work to do and so many to take care of. Work before play has always been my motto. Again he reminded me that the work is always there, and that if I am not refreshed and up to the challenge, then no one gets served by my overworked, irritable self.
Maybe not all home school moms feel this need. Just wanted to share how I approach it, especially for those non-homeschoolers who may think that those of us who do home school are all saintly, sacrificing moms!
What a refreshingly honest post! Our son just started preschool at our parish school, but we’re still discerning whether to keep him there next year, or homeschool. You’re right – sugar coating doesn’t help, but really understanding the pro’s and con’s does. Most of us have experience in a traditional school setting, and we see those pros and cons easily, but unless you’ve lived homeschooling it’s hard to get a good sense for what the pro’s and con’s of it are. Thanks again.
I really loathe the "but your children aren’t socialized!" argument that people give me when they find out that I homeschool. Personally, I wouldn’t send my children to school to socialize… I would send the to LEARN, but that was not happening very well so we decided to homeschool. Belive me, if you can get along with your siblings-well than you can get along with just about anyone in the world. My main reason for homeschooling is that I wanted to give my children the chance to figure out who they are themselves before the world tries to tell them who they think they should be.
We homeschooled for four years, and then I went back to school myself. Our kids just started their second year in public school. The thing that has been most surprising to me: it is far, far easier to be a doctoral student with four children than it was to be a homeschooling mother.
I am grateful to be able to homeschool. It’s something that we discern from year to year. It is hard at times and at others so very rewarding. There have been days where I was sure that the very next day they’re getting on the school bus. But the rewards are so many. One of the key rewards is the relationship my children have with each other. I have friends with children in public school and the parents spend so much time at the school and doing homework at night that they don’t seem to get much down time with their children. There are certainly advantages to school, but at this point that’s not where we’re called.
As far as private time – it is essential for Mom. It’s also essential that Mom and Dad get time for each other. It’s all about balance – whether your schooling at home or at an institution. We have to ensure that our priorities are in place: God, spouse, family and then everything else.
This kind of candidness allows both sides of the "debate" to relax — we can appreciate the pros and cons of doing school either way. I think sometimes moms feel defensive (homeschoolers or school-schoolers) because they feel the "other side" somehow thinks their way is the best way. And it is — it’s simply the best way for their own family.
My only child is just 9 mos. old, so we aren’t "officially" homeschooling yet…except that we are since all time with parents is an education for the kids.
We plan to homeschool, partly b/c the "Catholic" schools in our area are pretty much Catholic in name only and partly b/c I was homeschooled through high school and really value that experience. So my post here isn’t from the perspective of a parent yet (although I think my mom would have heartily agreed with your blog Danielle – I know there were days when she was ready to call the school admissions office!), but from the perspective of the student who now asks her mom/teacher how she did it. She always says, "For the early years, just live." One thing I think that scares people about h/s is that they think they have to run it like a formal school and that is a daunting prospect to teach all subjects to all grades in the same way one would at traditional school. But honestly, until about jr. high, you don’t have to do much formal stuff. We read a lot (and you can assign things like "read two biographies this month and tell us at dinner what you learned about each person") and did things like doubling recipes, being the caller at bingo (for little ones learning their numbers), and figuring out which thing was actually cheaper at the grocery store. My little brother took apart and put back together his slot cars and learned a lot of mechanical stuff that way; I, on the other hand, always wanted my mom to make me worksheets of sentences to diagram. We were mostly pretty loose about our schooling, until about 6th grade when we started using the Saxon math program. (Really good for those of us who are intimidated by teaching math that we barely remember; the books are detailed enough that the kid can do most of it on his own.) We also got a tutor for math (an education major from a local college) and, later on, for Latin. The informal approach doesn’t work for everyone (we also knew families who had uniforms and everything), but it worked great for us and might be helpful to those who are already feeling overwhelmed just teaching preschool. For those who are wondering, there were very few homeschoolers my age (it had just been legalized in our state when we started for my 1st-grade year), but we met kids through Girl Scouts, church soccer, and the like so socialization wasn’t a problem. Academically, all of us did well in college and beyond – and no college cared that we didn’t have accredited diplomas. Anyway, h/s isn’t right for everyone, but the Church does say (I forget which Vatican II document it’s in…)that "parents are the primary educators of their children, though they may delegate" some of that responsibility to traditional schools; all of us should realize that even if we aren’t homeschooling, we still have the main responsibility for what our kids learn (something that I think a lot of my parents’ generation missed which is why our generation doesn’t know their faith – it wasn’t taught at school, but the parents never noticed).
Sue, this is in response to your post, because I feel you are really seeking an answer.
First, a disclaimer: of the homeschooled children I know, they are, without exception, bright, courteous, creative children. I do not mean to bash them in any way.
Now, for the "sticking out" part. I taught CCD last year, and one week a homeschooled child attended because of the topic that we were discussing that week. He did not realize that to answer a question, he had to raise his hand. I gently told him. Then, he would simultaneously raise his hand and answer the question. Not wanting to single him out, since he was new there anyway, I simply called on other children and had them answer in turn. He did not get the picture and continued to answer every question out loud–the other children were beginning to stare. We had to line up to move to another room, and he didn’t realize he had to line up and move quietly to the other room. I didn’t want to have to speak to him again and make him stand out more, but it also wasn’t fair to NOT say anything, because the other children would have been told to stand quietly.
I don’t think these are social skills, really, just classroom skills. I don’t know if that helps answer your question or not. I think that homeschooled vs. school-schooled children are just exposed to different things.
To Sue:
I give *huge* credit to all homeschooling parents because this is a big responsibility, one’s doing it shows a love of family and of the needs of specific children, and the ability to individualize learning is second to none.
Regarding the deficits sometimes that can seem to result, I can give you my opinion, at least from what I’ve observed. Lack of "socialization" among homeschooled kids does not refer to lack of politeness or social appropriateness with adults. It also does not indicate inability to get along with people of all ages. Homeschooled children seem to be far more empathic with their siblings and relatives than do many children who attend formal school.
The lack of "socialization" that I see among the homeschooled has to do with an awkwardness when out in the world with people who are relatively their peers. Homeschooled kids seem to be so accustomed to having a curriculum dovetailed to their needs, that they tend not to know how to cope when that is not the case. Examples are hesitancy to join in, because they do not know what it appropriate within their age group. A lack of understanding of what other kids are learning socially – how to get along with peers who may be competitors, and hold one’s own – that one gets almost too much of, in any school environment.
I see homeschooled kids that I have known as being creative and independent types. It’s more in the "fitting in", the understanding of their age mates’ "culture" that they are – if you will, "behind". The reason this matters, is that self-esteem is, in part, a result of being able to get along with peers, when one is a teenager. Kids who have known other adults all along, and not just their parents in crucial roles, are more able to make up their own minds TAKING INTO ACCOUNT the expectations and norms of their peers. It is a great asset to have this ability.
Personally, I think homeschooling can be *great*, and it is always heroic on the part of parents.
I do believe that any individual homeschooled child needs to, at the same time, be a part of situations that involve a largish # of same-age mates who are not extended family. This strengthens kids and takes away the reticence at being unsure as to how to fit in. From there, if those needs are met consistently so that they have to adapt as other kids do, socially, then I’d say, they have a real advantage over other kids, due to being homeschooled.
I grew up going to public school; my parents were always very involved in my life, helping with homework, volunteering, talking with us and eating family meals together, etc. I loved school when I was younger, but was always very shy and by the time I got to middle school it got a lot worse…I had a few close friends but was "socially awkward" in that I just never felt like I fit in. At one point I can remember wanting desperately to be homeschooled, but with my parents jobs and talents it just wasn’t practical for us. Looking back, (I am three years out of college now) I am really glad I didn’t leave public school. It pushed me in so many ways that being at home wouldn’t have, and taught me that I need to take risks and step out of my comfort zone. All of life is that way — going to college, getting a job, setting up meetings, meeting new people.
No judgements here — just my own story. I have SO MUCH respect and admiration for homeschooling parents, as I do for teachers anywhere. My point is that homeschooling can be incredible, but it can also be detrimental (again, depending on the child and family). I think for children with personalities like mine, it may not be the best…if your child is already prone to awkwardness in social interaction, it will take a lot of effort to make sure he is "pushed" a little, out of his comfort zone. But if he is outgoing, friendly with new people and comfortable interacting outside the home, it will be a lot easier. Socialization (with family AND peers) IS important. And it’s NOT just academics that public/parochial schools teach, just as with homeschooling. Teachers are there to nurture the whole child, primarily in academics but other ways as well.
Also — I’ve heard many people say their reason for homeschooling is that the Church says parents are to be the "primary educators" of their children. You don’t need to homeschool in order to fulfill this role — you educate your children in a thousand ways just by talking with them and BEING there as a parent for them.
You nailed it exactly. That is exactly how I feel about our homeschooling experiences!
I really admire those who homeschool their kids esp when there are 8! of them! I would like to learn how to do so too. My youngest daughter has Down Syndrome and has gone through the special schooling system here and has finished all formal schooling. She still needs to work on her money skills, spelling, etc and is asking questions about the world like why there are time zones and the 4 seasons, after a trip to the US last Dec. If anyone can help point me to homeschooling websites that will help us for a general education, I would be really grateful. My email address is : etan333@yahoo.co.uk ( but I live in S E Asia and not the UK).
I so, so, so relate to this. I never felt this way homeschooling the grade school years, but I sure feel it now in the high school years. I want to do it, but I am so fearful that I’m either not giving enough, or not doing something, or forgetting something, or I won’t prepare them for college right, etc., etc.
Only with God’s grace can we do it, if God calls us to homeschool.
Thanks for the great post.
I really like how many of the people who do not homeschool are saying things like "I admire parents who homeschool BUT…" and then they go on to give an opinion about why they do not think homeschool kids are fitting into society-or into a classroom setting-or to the world. Well, gee… let me send my kid to school so that they can be just like everyone else. That is what I want right? A child who wants to "fit in" rather than "Stand out." (I teach sarcasm in my homeschool curriculum)
Amy V,
I could really identify with your post. There are pros and cons of all options. My dear homeschooling friend and I were talking recently about how we both give thought to and worry about, am I doing the right thing here? (She homeschools, my kids go to public schools)
It is true you do not have to homeschool. The fact is there are many different routes you can take to raise your kids knowing God.
My husband and I most definitely consider ourselves the primary educators of our kids.
I too enjoy much time with my kids, being actively involved in their classrooms, school groups, homework etc.
Last year after almost a decade without any regular time alone I had 3 mornings a week. So I am one of those moms to whom it is vital to have some time alone to think and pray in quiet.
I find my kids spend alot of time together in general and we just finished our summer with everyday together. I welcome the change come the fall because I think the comings and goings of everyone to school adds to their relationships. They come back with new experiences and we enjoying sharing them at dinner. That little bit of space they get gives them a break from each other and their very different personalilites that I think is much needed.
We homeschooled our children for 14 yrs. Like you, Danielle, I took it a year at a time. I can certainly relate to your love/hate list and am so grateful to God for having given us the necessary graces to accomplish the Catholic education of our children in a home environment. The people our children have become and the good choices they are making in their lives are due in large part to having been homeschooled. Looking back now, it was just so very, very worth it all!
Among my circle of friends, we have quite a mixed bag of families who homeschool, families who send their kids to Catholic school, and families who send their kids to public school. In all of these families, I see parents who are doing their very best to live their faith and pass it on to their children.
I don’t *think* that there is judgment of each other about the different decisions that we’ve each made. However, I don’t ever recall everyone openly discussing their decisions either, and I’m sure it’s because of fear of being judged. So thank you for giving us a place where we can weigh the pros and cons and see other people’s points of view.
I have to agree with Cris, I guess. It really seems like the issues some people have with the "lack of socialization" is the fact that homeschooled kids don’t walk lock step in line to the beat of society’s drum. What is your definition of "socialization"?
Yes, I would agree, that homeschooled children aren’t forced into relationships at the age of 3 and then over and over again every year as their peer group changes and so does the person they accept as an authority figure for 9 months so they might take longer to develop some of these "people skills" that a five year old in a public school has perfected, but who said that time line was the only one or the best one?
It’s really funny that the hand raise thing was mentioned as an example. My kids have never spent a day in a big brick-box school and yet, they will raise their hands to answer or ask a question. I have no idea where they learned that because I didn’t teach them. But I guess I can check off the "socialized" box.
To Sue,
I completely agree with the response that anonymous gave to you about socialization. You put it eloquantly Anonymous.
I also agree that Homeschooling can be Great! Once again I would like to pat all of you who homeschool on the backs. I consider it a wonderful vocation.
Last year, I assisted in my son’s CCD class, and the disruptive, non-hand-raiser, unable to stand in line child was a public school student. But he had ADD/ADHD, so that was understandable, I guess.
My homeschooled kids are well-versed in age-appropriate curses and obscene gestures, thanks to the neighborhood kids, so I take them for being well-socialized. I can’t wait for them to be a bit older and learn insolence and back-talk!
I’m not saying that kids who attend schools only demonstrate bad behavior. I’m saying that there are well-behaved children and poorly behaved children…parents who are effective and parents who don’t seem to know how to elicit obedience. There is also a disparity in what parents deem acceptable in their children’s behavior. Social skills, for better or for worse, have a lot to do with how parents expect their children to behave and how they allow them to behave and how they teach them to behave.
I am the first one to tell non-homeschoolers that homeschooling is HARD. It MUST be my top priority every morning, or it doesn’t get done. It is a heavy responsibility, and I do not take it lightly…nor do I think it is a burden for every person to carry. I too have the love/hate relationship with this life of mine, and I too am open to the idea that other alternatives might be better for other families or even for mine under different circumstances.
I am grateful for this opportunity to maximize the time I spend with my children, and I relish the close relationships they share with each other. For now, this works for us, and we are happiest. But no one can make that choice for any other unique family with its own issues and dynamics.
To PM,
I still have a 2 year old at home, but she naps for 2 hours everyday. This has been the first week in 10 years that I have had two hours guiltfree in the middle of the day to breathe, nap, pledege my kitchen table, respond to a blog, clean my microwave, fold clothes in total peace. It has been incredibly invigorating. And I am so excited about the year ahead. Once I pick up my other 4 kids from school (elementary and middle), the games begin! My house has that "tornado just went through it" look, everyone is talking ninety to nothing, everyone is famished, and has a lot of ENERGY to burn since they were sitting quietly most of the day! Plus on most nights of the week, we have some sort of practice or RE to get to. I want to hear every detail though because I haven’t been there to see who they talked to at lunch, and what book they read, and was their teacher truly appreciating what awesome kids they are. How great for my 5 year old to think back on his day and recount to me what he did and how he felt about it. It also hasn’t been a week without tears, my kids love being home too. My 5 year old also learned from his siblings that you are at school for 7 HOURS! I wish they would have left out that detail. But we’ve worked through it and I can see the confidence in my kids growing as they persevere through this challenge. I also feel a little better prepared to help them, as I have had a moment to rest. I go to bed super late and get up super early, to try to get everything done, so a moment of rest…AAH!
I think that it is funny to hear that homeschooled children don’t "fit in" with other children. Sorry, but I don’t want my children to fit in. I want my children to be who they are and not who someone else wants them to be. I want them to wear the clothing that they want, read the books that interest them, and do what they like because they like it…not because it is cool or the now thing to do. I don’t want my children to learn about sex at the age of seven (yes, that happens around here in the Catholic and public schools and this is a small town with about 5,000 people) and talk about "who is doing it." I don’t want my children to come home saying swear words or ask what "this and that" means because they heard something naughty at school. I don’t want them to be stressed about dating at age 14 or to pressured into drugs, alcohol, or sex through high school. If that means a little sheltering until my child is old enough to realize why he/she should/shouldn’t do something than so be it. Homeschoolers are not misfits but rather different and different is good. There will always be shy or socially unfit homeschoolers, just as there will be some like that who go to a public or Catholic school. Every child is different. The pregnancy and drug rate is almost non-exsistent in homeschoolinhg circles, though of course it does happen. I am not going to throw my children out there to the wolves at age five when their sense of morals are still devolping to learn things on the playground. Socialization can happen in a controled environment until that child is old enough to stand up for themselves and their beliefs. I am not saying that you are a bad parent if you send your child to school. I am saying to all of those that continually bring up the socialization factor that socialization is not always a good thing. My reason for homeschooling is not for the educational aspect, but rather the peer part of school. I do not like the morals of today and your child will learn about who knows what from other children at school. I am shocked to see what teen girls wear today, how seven and eight year olds talk, and how so many high schoolers are into sex and other lewd behavior. I do not want my children fitting into that.
Ok, I am sorry to go on and on, but there is just never an opportunity to openly discuss this. Two other issues about homeschooling and I’ll be quiet! (It’s this new found free time!)
1. The whole birth order thing. When my kids were home 24/7, the younger ones always did what the older ones wanted to do. The youngers never really started the games. Once they slowly peeled away to go to school, the next in line got a chance to lead the play and to be my big helper. (I even brought them back home for a year as we realized we couldn’t afford Catholic school and were going to need to move so they could go to better public schools.) When they were back home, I saw that pecking order happening a lot again. I know it is normal, but it seems a little exaggerated when they are home all the time.
2. That year I brought them home again, my oldest son was 9. I found that he didn’t have enought to do. He seemed to "mill around" a lot. We don’t live on a farm or out in the country, and I never even took home ec. so we aren’t making anything from scratch. Once he completed his work, he didn’t know what to do next. At that point in the day, I was trying to get on with the household tasks, and he just seemed not busy enough. With two sisters and a baby brother younger than him, he couldn’t wrestle anyone and they were playing stuffed animals. He definitely was not physical enough and honestly seemed a little lonely. When I first started homeschooling in 2000, I read in one "bible" of homeschooling that just jumping rope outside is PE. No, it isn’t. At school they have recess and organized PE, and art, and music and then they come home and play or do sports. It fills them up and tires them out!
Just a couple more of my personal observations. Again, I make no judgements. Only God knows what is best for each family. One of my best friends homeschools her 5, and I try to encourage and support her as much as I can. If she needs a sitter, I am home and my minivan is empty. Just trying to add on some of my "real" thoughts.
To Joan,
I haven’t read the others’ responses to you, so forgive me if I’m asking the same question. I haven’t started homeschooling yet. My husband and I are in the process of discerning this issue. I used to be a Catholic School teacher before kids. I just want to know, since the whole "socialization" question comes up so often between my husband and I …
What do you consider "up to par" when you speak of socialization? What do you mean by "socially behind"? Examples perhaps?
There is a lot of talk about mothers who "discern" that they were called to homeschool. What does this mean? Does this mean that you wanted to do it? And if you didn’t want to take on this responsibility, why did you keep at it?