A Reader Writes:
Our daughter is almost 11 months old and we are trying to figure out the best way to train her not to touch things that are dangerous like cords and outlets and such. She’s a very lively and strong-willed little girl. We’ve been doing a lot of hand smacking with a ruler, but with limited success — and I really don’t like the fact that she flinches now every time that I tell her no (but of course doesn’t stop what she’s doing!). Do you have any thoughts, suggestions, or books that you would recommend? Being a first time mother, I know I’m probably somewhat unrealistic in my expectations, but I really want to raise obedient, respectful, and disciplined children … I’m just not sure exactly how to go about doing so!
I think the most important things you say about your situation are “limited success” “I really don’t like the fact that she flinches” and “doesn’t stop what she’s doing.” You are not feeling happy about your current method of discipline and it’s not working anyway.
I commend you for recognizing consistent discipline as an essential component of good parenting. No matter where you fall in the spank or don’t spank debates, however, I think an 11 month old is way too young for any stronger discipline than a “doesn’t hurt at all tap to the fingers” (with your hand, not an object) accompanied by a stern “No!” And I even avoid the tap to the fingers thing.
When a baby stops responding to your stern “No” (and it sounds like your daughter has) you need to do something more. The “something more” I prefer to do is remove, distract, and repeat. Remove your child from the forbidden object or activity (put her in another room), turn a deaf ear to her complaints for a minute or two, and then return to distract her with an activity, a hug, a conversation, a toy, or a game. If she returns to the forbidden activity, that’s where the repeat comes in. Remove her again, ignore her protests again, and attempt to distract once more. It might take many times before you succeed.
This takes time, effort, and (yes!) discipline on your part, but it’s well worth it in the end. It might not work perfectly every time, but if you are consistent in your discipline, eventually even the stubbornest child learns not only what she is and is not allowed to do, but the more important lesson of “Mama loves me but she means what she says and I must obey.”
As for recommendations, I really like Dr. Ray Guarendi’s no-nonsense approach to child rearing, but I hesitate to recommend any one approach for all parents. What works beautifully in one family might fail in another simply because different parents and different children have different needs and temperaments. As you gain experience, you will get to know what kinds of things work best with your daughter and gain confidence in your parenting skills. Read as much parenting advice as you want, but take and use only what works well for you in the end.
And now go give that lively, strong-willed daughter of yours a big hug and a kiss from me!
Keep in mind that what may work with one child may or may not work for a sibling…our 3rd and 4th blessings are challenging our previous modes of discipline that worked wonderfully for blessings 1 and 2. So keep trying what you are comfortable with, and keep repeating to yourself, "His grace is sufficient, His grace is sufficient…" Often when we think we are disciplining the little ones, they are disciplining us just as much! Enjoy this time, though…it passes so very quickly even though the days are sometimes very, very long!
I completely agree with Danielle’s "remove, distract, and repeat" method. I think the greatest lessons that I’ve learned as a mom are that you have to get up and it all takes time. To teach, correct, and love, you can’t do it from across the room with loud voice. When I ask my child to come to me, if he or she doesn’t respond correctly, I have to get up and show her what I meant. I have to do this time and time again. It works though. One more little thought…we have never used anything other than our hand to give out an ocassional swat. I think the Hand of God is full of mercy and justice. When a physical swat is necessary, I think we as parents can use the same hand that we will use to embrace our child moments later. After all discipline is love.
God bless you "first time Mom"! You will do great! You will be so happy with some things you do and other things will later make you cringe. You are seeking the Will of God and He will bless you !
I agree 100% with Danielle!! She put it perfectly! I have 4 small children, the youngest being 13 mos and being in the stage as your daughter. When she constantly goes to the lazy susan for a snack or my bedroom outlet to unplug my alarm clock, etc, she is testing, to see if I am going to say "no no!" It gives her confidence, I feel to be consistant with taking her away, distracting after saying "no no!" She points her finger and shakes it when I pick her up, I have to turn away and smile because it is so cute!! This stage will go away SO fast. When she is by the outlet or the cupboard, or the bathroom or the stairs, she stops and looks at me with a half smile waiting to see if I am going to take her away and say no no! (it is not an angry no no but a gentle stern one)
Doors are constantly shut, outlet covers are in, gates are up, locks are on cupboards under the sinks, but it is still a busy time and there are still things she gets into. It is good, to be curious, they are so eager to explore and feel safe when you take them away from what they should not have! Best wishes to you "first time mom" You WILL do great, you are already reading Danielle’s site!
PS Wal-mart sells gates, outlet covers and locks reasonably in the baby section. If you are hoping to have more children it will be worth it!
It’s so true, as another reader put it- all kids are SO different!
I recently met a mom at the park who had seven children (I only have 4) and her youngest is my youngest daughter’s age. This mom mentioned to me how this seventh child of hers was into more than any of the other six had been at this age (27 months) and she resorted to every kind of lock, gate, etc. that was available! I am such a believer in this stuff- I went and got an oven lock b/c none of my other kiddos had tried the oven thing, but sure enough my youngest will try this kind of thing. At her age, and even a bit younger, around 12 months, I’d simply remove her to an empty playpen for a very short while and this seemed to distract her. Now that she’s two, it’s actually called a time-out, but when she was smaller, it was simply a distraction. Oh, how strong-willed and stubborn those tykes can be!!!!
I can sympathize with first time mom, and all the others. My third has been the most challenging at 17 months. Lately, she has become a screamer…and this is the worst at Mass. I end up in the vestibule for most of Mass and they can still hear her in the church. Sometimes it is a mad shriek and others a happy one, but either way she doesn’t seem to want to stop. Are there any tricks? I tell her "No, you must use a quiet voice." I whisper and distract, but I still spend most of Mass in the back hearing nothing.
Oy! A ruler? No. I could never do that to any of my children, no matter how old. When a need arises, I do spank, and even then, only with my fingers.
At 11 months, discipline isn’t punishing the child, discipline is showing the child that we do certain things a certain way, and other things we don’t do. At 11 months, discipline is setting a routine – bath before bed, cuddle and a story, then sleep; wash your hands before you eat; pick up your toys when you’re finished playing…
Discipline should not discourage a child from exploring their world. I’m not saying let them stick a key in the outlet or slide a piece of sliced cheese into the DVD player. I’m saying when they find such things to explore, show them something else that is safer to explore. Like a bird out the window, or a favourite story…
Discipline is finding it within yourself to do what you need to do – and disciplining a child should be teaching them to do the same. Parenting? That’s being involved, watching, "saving", distracting, protecting, letting fly and letting go.
An 11 month old doesn’t have a concept of danger. We need to protect them from themselves. We need to show them the world around them is a safe place, but some things are dangerous – like an outlet or a lit candle. It’ll be a while yet before she has understood the concept of danger. Until then, the best we can do is be vigilant.
One thing you could try (I’m sure you’ll get plenty of advice) is showing disappointment when you say "No" (rather than a stern "NO!").
I remember my first child would pull all the books off the shelves at that age. We finally crammed so many books on those shelves that even we had difficulty prying one free. Now we have shelves with doors on the lower half so it’s not an issue.
I agree completely with Danielle and would only add what others have alluded to: with all children, but especially toddlers, the situations that warrant a NO will come frequently. Constantly saying NO and having to drop everything to reinforce that no with a removal is fatiguing. Closed doors, safety locks or cramming bookshelves full are methods to reduce the numbers of arguments you have with a persistent child. Minimize their temptations…and have no fear that they won’t learn self-control or obedience. No matter how good you are, they will find something to get into.
When my son was that age, we used the "NO!" combined with a distraction pretty consistently. For a little while, he actually seemed to have learned pretty well what not to touch, but as his ability to reach things improved I think it just got to be too long a list for him to keep track of. Try to remember how hard it is for a child that young (a baby still, really) to remember all the things that are obvious to us, and babyproof as you can. But really, at this age, there’s not much to do except keep the child close and keep an eye on her. Impulse control is pretty much non-existant in a one year old.
All of our six children are wired to be pretty strong-willed as well. While they are little, for my husband and I, it takes lots of physical energy to get up, pick them up and move them from harm’s way to a more safe environment (which is sometimes a pack and play we have set up in our family room). We’ve found that the words we say to our little ones need to be accompanied by action because left to their own toddlerish leanings they’d stare at us blankly then continue doing what we said, "No" about anyway. The other thing that we remind ourselves of on a fairly regular basis is that God has wired our kids to be just like they are with a very specific purpose in mind. God has entrusted these children to our care to help them fulfill His plan for them. The strong-willed, persistent, lively child of today may well be an outspoken pro-life activist tomorrow. Keep your eyes on the prize and remember that this tricky toddler stage, too, shall pass.
I know when you have your first child that 11 months old seems "old", but really that’s just a little, little baby. PLEASE do not hit them with anything. Just say "no no" and remove them from the situation. It will pass – you’ll see.
Danielle’s very right, and so was the commenter that said that 11mo seems old enough to "know better" with your first child, but they are really so very young. Your best bet is to put away whatever you can for now and just watch her closely, "remove, distract, repeat" as Danielle said, and expect to repeat…and repeat…and repeat…many, many times in the next year or two. Toddlers are hard-wired to explore their environment! You’ll find her in all kinds of interesting messes before she’s outgrown this stage.
One thing I have done with my littles ispick them up and hold them on my lap with their little chubby arms held firmly crossed around their chest while I tell them no touc, or no hit or whatever. I may hold them securely – but not to the point of pain of course for 30 seconds or whatever – a point that they don’t like it and get the point.
Our 8th child is now 16 months old. Each child has responded differently to discipline but I have to say that OUR discipline has changed much over the years. We rarely, if ever use corporal punishment anymore. And I would never strike our babes. BUT, when our dd at 14 months ran into the road she did get a firm swipe on the behind. Since she’d never had that she took it pretty seriously and has never gone toward the road again.
One mother I know had an extra car seat and she’d place her little darling in a forced time out in the seat when she couldn’t keep her hands off things or people!
Love them. Enjoy them. Try not to make things a power struggle with a little one. Distract when you can. limit your no’s to the important and safety issues.
Therese
And in the meantime, cover everything! We had a child like yours. We installed outlet covers, outlet guards, cord minders, put up baby gates and kept watch constantly. He has managed to survive to his 15th year, so far.
My husband and I have always tried to use NO for only very serious situations (fingers by the outlet, going into the street, etc). We have found that reserving it for those most important times in the younger years really makes them listen. At such a young age, I recommend picking up the child and taking to a different area as Danielle says but also saying, "let’s go play blocks" or some such thing and then following through to get her started with the appropriate activity.
It is also important as she grows to communicate her limits with short simple sentences. "these are not for playing with" or "hands are for hugs not hitting". Make sure she gets the explanation of why things are off limits. Even though she may not understand at first, she gradually will, and incorporate those things to teach others.
I’m a huge fan of Dr. Ray. I also recommend Gregory Popcak. He writes well about redirection and gentle discipline for the youngest in the family. No one parenting book is going to have all the answers, but those 2 write from a Catholic perspective and I’ve learned much / gotten good ideas and encouragement from both of them.
With our three (4.5, 2.5 and 10 months) we have taken the approach of babyproofing certain rooms really well and then having the kids play in those rooms. It helps that we have an older style house with defined rooms with doors- not one of the newer "open floor plan" houses where the rooms tend to blend together into one space. I noticed that one couple we know with similar-aged children have a different approach then we do: they let the kids have the run of the house, but the parents have to put much more effort into being watchful of the kids getting into something. Their kids won’t, for instance, splash in the dog’s water bowl, even though it’s right out in the open, because they’ve been taught not to. In contrast, our 2.5 year old will occasionally get into the room with the dog bowl and dump it over since we never did much to teach her not to.
I wish we hadn’t been quite so lazy and had done more of what Danielle describes. It is more work in the short run, but I’m sure it pays off in the longer run.
Sometimes parents are more concerned with making their children obedient rather than keeping them safe.Your baby is still too young to stop in her tracks when you tell her "no" and just as Danielle suggests you should remove her from the danger or the no-no situation and place her in another room. She will learn to listen to you and obey but while she is so young in the meantime you should help her avoid those no-no situations by placing objects out of her reach, putting plugs in the outlets, and keeping her play area safe. Babies explore. They will pull books off of shelves, chew on paper, make mess after mess, and sometimes disobey because of a power struggle but at 11 months old your baby is not being bad, she is exploring her world. Tapping her with a ruler is not the way to go. She now associates no with pain and associates pain with you and that is a no-no.
Having read Michael and Debbie Pearl’s books (and absolutely hating their teachings!!) I see that some parents think that a child should revolve around a home, instead of the other way around. If there are breakables on a shelf they teach a baby not to touch them and if they do they get spanked or hit with a ruler or stick or paddle. Why not remove the temptation for the child instead? A small child should be protected from no-no situations, not put in a tempting situation and then get punished for it.
"Training" is for pets…. loving guidance is for children. Babies, and yes she is a baby, whose hands are slapped tend to learn one thing…. not to use them to explore their environment. Remember she is not doing these things to be bad or to misbehave, but she is curious, and babies learn by exploring things with their hands. Make a safe environment to the extent that you can, and then you just have to watch her constantly, always ready to distract and redirect. It’s a lot of work, and it is an exhausting age for you as a mother, but this stage will pass just like any other stage.
Everyone has added so many great perspectives.
I was way to strict with my first. I too wanted her to "obey".
When you are a "first time mom" you really are new and do not know what to expect from yourself or child. What is normal? -giggle–there isn’t normal!- However, reading about developmental baby/toddler stages is helpful. You will read they they have an internal need to explore/touch/distroy =) If my child does NOT want to do those things that would be more concerning. Find ways for your child/toddler to get the exploration/touching needs met (therefore their quest to learn)
My most difficult hour is the DINNER HOUR! UGH! I have a box of this stuff: Take a small kleenex box and put in scraps of material/toys/yarn/sand paper. Watch how they LOVE to put their hand in and keep pulling out something new. Put different bread twisties in an empty water bottle and let them shake it/roll it. Cut a small rectangle in a lid of a coffee can (metal if you can find it) teach them to drop/insert juice lids through the hole. They love the clang it makes! You can also do this with cloths pins by making a different hole. Let them play with a tupperware drawer just for them.
You are a good mom because you want to learn ways to help your child!
I agree with Danielle. I haven’t read the other comments. With a child that age the best method is to just remove her from the dangerous object, even if you have to do it many times a day. Saying something like "no touch" while you do it is helpful too, because eventually you can just use the phrase and she’ll know she needs to move away from the object in question. good luck!
My oldest’s first sentence was ‘No no don’t" when pointing to a switch we could not move from his reach. I can’t remember what I gave him to do instead but it was cute to listen to him copy me.
A friend of ours adopted 2 boys. One was 2 by the time they brought him home. The orphanage he was in was so confining he had never heard ‘NO’ and it was very difficult to help him to understand that ‘no is a word of love. ‘No’ should be a way to communicate that we love them enough to save them from danger or from disrespctful antisocial behavior that will make their adult life difficult.
At 1 Baby doesn’t understand any of this. Baby needs enough "no’s" in her life to learn what it means and enough "yes’s" to know that life is full of blessings to be found.
I can’t find the book: but years ago I bought a book on ‘training a child in the way he should go’ at a Protestant homeschool convention. The couple made a Very inportant point about discernment by the parent before discipline.
Discipline is about making a disciple for Christ out of this little one. Christ is merciful and yet asks us to do good. So what we say, whether we distract or say ‘no’, or give a time out is based on what the child did.
Just annoying? Distract if little. If bigger figure out if you taught them what to do instead. This mom found grocery shopping impossible when the next one got big enough not to fit in the cart. He had not been taught that he had to stay with mommy, not touch, not run, not yell. So dad came with them a couple times. Mom shopped Dad followed. Everytime he saw some thing they shouldn’t do the whole group stopped while he showed all the kids what to do instead. It took forever to shop for 2 weeks. After that it was not only easy– but the big kids set an example the next ones could follow and it didn’t have to be repeated. Although the did prepare themselves to repeat if necessary.
Dangerous? Protect them. By any means necessary. When they can speak in full paragraphs then you can pull the outlet covers. My 2 year old took his baby sister for a walk down the hall. It was cute till he opened the cellar door and she fell. We were right there and couldn’t stop it. My husband had a lock there within an hour of our return from the doctors.
I am privileged to know a wonderful homeschool family, with very obedient, respectful children. When commenting to the mother one day that I was very impressed with the obedience of her children, she thanked me and replied that their obedience was partly due to the fact that even when very young (about 1 or 2 years old) they were not allowed to disobey. She said, “If one of our children did not listen, for instance, would not pick up a toy when asked, my husband or I would take their hands and do it with them. They learned very quickly”.
i would have to agree that using an object is not the way to go. It’s hard, because it is the first, to understand how little they are culpable at 11 months. A firm no-no and re-ordering of the home (outlet covers, etc) will help.
Remember too that, with corporal punishment especially, we are accountable for how we discipline. Are we discipling to teach or out of anger? It will get easier.
God Bless.
Removing our daughter from the situation worked so well for us at this age we didn’t have to follow up with distraction.
We would simply and swiftly scoop her up in our arms, walk to the other side of the room, gently yet unceremoniously place her on the ground and then step away from her.
Not only did this technique remove her from the dangerous situation/bad behavior it was a bit of a shock to be so quickly located to a different area. By taking a few steps away she also did not get rewarded by getting attention from mommy and daddy by doing something bad. She would forget about what she had just been doing and start playing with the nearest toy.
Ditto on everything Danielle said, including the Dr. Ray advice! I have found that babyproofing, a gentle no, and removal to a crib for a minute before redirecting to other play works wonders.
Now something else the new mother should know – I disciplined my first child the exact same way. We were overly strict, and tended to swat his backside way to readily. No it was not out of anger – I think it rarely is with children this young. It was out of a desire to raise an obedient child who would be respectful of others and know boundaries. I tell you this because as a new mother I would have been in tears to hear about all of the harm I was causing my child with a swat.
Just know that we all learn as we go, and rarely is a child too emotionally damaged by a truly loving parent. I think most experienced parents will agree that they learn to be less of a yeller, less of a spanker, and just plain more consistent as we go along. Dr. Ray says it best when he says rather than worry about what damage we might have already done (probably not much at all) we just need to focus ahead and try to react more appropriately the next time. Luckily God made children flexible enough to learn with us and adapt readily! You are doing great!
Why would anyone want her child to flinch away from her? Please,please stop! This is NOT the way Jesus would want you to teach your child. A ruler is for measuring things…..NEVER NEVER for hitting babies! PLEASE, I pray that you will never do that again.
Danielle,
as I was reading I was thinking that I love Dr. Ray Guarendi and Greg Popchak, my two favorite discipline books. Anyway I realize that each child is different and we have to trust our God given intuition about how to discipline our children. But whenever I feel challenged by a parenting situation I will take it to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and ask for his help in bringing my kids closer to him. He usually reveals to me the answer.
I suppose I disagree with most of the anti-spankers here. First off, spanking is scriptural (Gregory Popcak’s book is, in my opinion, poorly done and very poorly argued & researched on this). Secondly, some of the early Christian writings and the greatest saints in the Church have endorsed spanking:
As Solomon says somewhere in the book of Wisdom: "Chasten thy son, and he will refresh thee; so wilt thou have good hope of him. Thou verily shalt smite him with the rod, and shall deliver his soul from death." And again, says the same Solomon thus, "He that spareth his rod, hateth his son;"(2) and afterwards, "Beat his sides whilst he is an infant, lest he be hardened and disobey thee." He, therefore, that neglects to admonish and instruct his own son, hates his own child. Do you therefore teach your children the word of the Lord. Bring them under with cutting stripes, and make them subject from their infancy, teaching them the Holy Scriptures, which are Christian and divine. (Constitution of the Holy Apostles IV, 2)
"For it is not to be feared that parents would seem to hate a little son when, on committing an offence, he is beaten by them that he may not go on offending. And certainly the perfection of love is set before us by the imitation of God the Father Himself when it is said in what follows: "Love your enemies, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them(3) which persecute you;" and yet it is said of Him by the prophet, "For whom the Lord loveth He correcteth; yea, He scourgeth every son whom He receiveth."(4) The Lord also says, "The servant that knows not s his Lord’s will, and does things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes; but the servant that knows his Lord’s will, and does things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with many stripes."(6) No more, therefore, is sought for, except that he should punish to whom, in the natural order of things, the power is given; and that he should punish with the same goodwill which a father has towards his little son, whom by reason of his youth he cannot yet hate. " (Augustine, Sermon on the Mount Book I ch. XX)
"I suppose that thou dost love thy child even when thou dost chastise him. Thou regardest not his cries under the rod, because thou art reserving for him his inheritance" (Augustine, Sermon VI)
a parent can lawfully strike his child, and a master his slave that instruction may be enforced by correction… Since anger is a desire for vengeance, it is aroused chiefly when a man deems himself unjustly injured, as the Philosopher states (Rhet. ii). Hence when parents are forbidden to provoke their children to anger, they are not prohibited from striking their children for the purpose of correction, but from inflicting blows on them without moderation. (St Thomas, Aquinas, Summa Theologiae)
"He that spares the rod hates his son. (Prov. 13:24) If you love your children, correct them, and while they are growing up, chastise them, even with the rod, as often as it may be necessary.I say, with the rod, but not with a stick; for you must correct them like a father, and not like a prison guard. You must be careful not to beat them when you are in a passion, for you will then be in danger of beating them with too much severity, and the correction will be without fruit, for then they believe that the chastisement is the effect of anger, and not of a desire on your part to see them amend their lives. I have also said, that you should correct them while they are growing up, for when they arrive at manhood, your correction will be of little use. " (St. Alphonsus Liguori Advice to Parents)
Finally, such "training" is not just for animals. "Train up a child" is straight from scripture as well. "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Prov. 22:6)."
Scott
""Training" is for pets…. loving guidance is for children."
I disagree. What about Proverbs 22:6? "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." I am training my children every single day. I do it with loving guidance as one of my tools, but make no mistake — I am training them. I have also read Michael and Debbie Pearl’s books…I have a feeling that the frustrated mother who wrote to Danielle has read them, too. We used a modified version of their methods with all 3 of our children. They all responded differently and some needed to have their hands swatted more than others, some less. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t baby-proof my house to the best of my ability. It doesn’t mean that my children are afraid of me. I do "remove" and "redirect" all the time, too. These are all just tools in my parenting and discipline box. I found that small swats on the hand got their attention quickly when they were being openly defiant. That’s when we used them and it has worked for us. It hasn’t made our children afraid of us. And most importantly, it’s not a tool we have to use very often. Our daughters are 6, 4, and 2 and I can’t remember the last time I swatted any of them. It’s probably been about 6-8 months ago for our youngest.
I say all this to point out that there is NOT just one successful method of discipline, training, and keeping our children safe. We prayerfully came to this point in our lives as parents, but we are open to trying different things if we are blessed with more children. Every child is different and responds differently.
I would also like to add that Michael Pearl’s book can seem too harsh to a reader. The written word has a habit of that!!! However, if you purchase his DVD- you will find that his methods are not at all against Holy Scripture, and are not harsh. He is very lovable. We also use Train up a Child, along with a site called raisinggodlytomatoes.com, Reb Bradley, and Susan and Michael Bradrick. If you listen to the Kimberly Hahn series about A Mother’s Rule of Life, she addresses this issue, and the speaker mentions Michael Pearl– that is how I found out about the Pearl’s.
Hitting babies is just…..wrong!!
I have not read every comment, I also have Dr. Ray’s book, but a friend of mine teaches classes for "Love and Logic". There is a website, books, tapes and classes. It really works great when you are consistent. It is logical consequences given with love. Allowing children to feel real life consequences for all of their actions. I had a VERY strong-willed three year old and had to learn that it was I that needed the discipline. I had to be consistent and firm with everything! Now she is 7 and our "little mother". She helps out a lot with her younger siblings. We have six, the oldest is 12. Check out "Love and Logic", it is good.
Actually, Michael and Debbie Pearls methods of raising children is harsh. An example in one of their newsletters is to hit a child’s leg with a weed whacker cord. This was written by them. Their life lessons are also to teach a child to stay out of a pond by closely watching the child and watch them walk into the pond. Once they are struggling then go in and get them. All things that they have written. Their child training books disgust me.
I am not agaisnt spanking. I have spanked my children before. I don’t advise spanking a small baby that can not understand between right and wrong. Nor hitting them with a ruler or paddle. The verse about spare the rod, spoil the child is often used to make spanking seem Biblical. When the Bible talks about a rod it means the shepherd’s rod, which was used to guide the sheep and protect them – not to hit them. Though spanking can at times be effective I think that it can also be used in times of anger to make the parent feel better.
I commend the mother – who wrote the original question to Danielle – for seeking advice! As long as we keep on trying to be the best parents we can be, open to learn, we should do all right. Personally, I don’t regret that I was on the "spanking from about 1 1/2 to about five" side of the fence…when I felt it was necessary to convince my children of something important, such as staying strapped into a car seat, since you can’t reason with a very young child. But I do think the best way to handle many situations with young children is to remove the problem from the child, remove the child from the problem, distract the child, or lower one’s expectations of the child. I remember reading a very old book called Christopher’s Talks to Catholic Parents by Fr. David Greenstock, where he said it’s better to err on the side of leniency than on the side of strictness. Maybe our kids would have benefitted from more discipline over the years, but hey, they are now adults and teenagers that we can be proud of!
For us, the best method of disciplining a toddler was constant supervision. As I had more children, I had to hire mother’s helpers and babysitters to help with the baby while I was making dinner or helping the older children with their homework. I found that the baby was more apt to get into trouble if I was distracted. I don’t remember hitting or spanking my children at that age, but I do remember how difficult it could be at times to watch them so closely and make sure that they were out of danger.
Three things I’ve learned lately from a secular parenting book that might be helpful:
1. Learn what is age-appropriate (mis)behavior for your child’s age. I.e. 9-18 month-olds explore, touch and destroy things, four year-olds are prone to lying, etc. As annoying as these behaviors are to us as parents, they are part of the child’s normal developmental process. Our job is to model and teach them the appropriate ways to explore, communicate, whatever–punishment to get them them to comply doesn’t necessarily mean they’re internalizing the lesson.
2. Watch your focus–if you keep saying "Janie, don’t touch the glass!" "No, don’t pick up the glass!" "I said, leave the glass alone!" etc., you are calling the child’s attention to the glass and making it more interesting than if you simply said "No!" and then removed/distracted her.
3. (And this is the one that I find the most difficult) Give your child the benefit of the doubt on motive–assume what they are doing (no matter how annoying) is stemming from a positive motive on their part. The guy who cuts you off in traffic isn’t against you personally–he’s probably just in a hurry. In general, really young children don’t misbehave to annoy you–they misbehave because they are curious, or have excess energy, or need attention, or want some direction as to what to do next. Spanking isn’t going to decrease energy or need for attention. It isn’t going to give ideas for appropriate activities. It may quell curiosity and quash willfulness–but curiosity and willfulness are actually what kids need to learn and stay determined.
Danielle,
Thank you so much for addressing my question and thank you to all of you mothers (and grandmothers) who have taken the time to add your thoughts and encouragement. Soon after I submitted the question, we lost the ruler, gave up the hand swatting, and basically have been following the remove, distract method (though it is, as many of you have said, very difficult to be disciplined myself about doing this consistently). It, too, hasn’t been all that successful, but it is encouraging to read that many of you have found it to be very beneficial in the long run. I will certainly look into the books and audio tapes suggested here. We have much to learn as first time parents, but it’s our greatest joy, and I’m very grateful to have this website (and your books, Danielle) to help us along. Thank you, again, and God bless you and your family!
I heard once to save "no" for the really big stuff, as in, if your child is headed for the street or is going to touch the hot stove. That way they won’t be so numb to the word that they’ll actually pay attention to it.
Do I follow this perfectly? Well, no. But I did find myself coming up with my own "noise" to substitute for the word "no" that actually works better. When one of my little ones would be creeping towards something they shouldn’t do, I’d say "uh-uh-uh-uh" in a certain tone and maybe follow with a "don’t you touch that" or other command. Then if I needed to I’d just get them interested in something else. But really, they learned pretty early to pay attention to my calm, strange noise (my husband made fun of me for weeks until he realized that it was actaully working!)
I think removal and distraction is the way to go, especially for those little ones.
Also, I think it’s important to remember that discipline is not just another word for punishment. Just because you’re not punishing a child all the time doesn’t mean he or she will grow up to be a slovenly, selfish being. We are in the teaching business here…and luckily we get more than one school term to make a difference.
Once when my son was 4 he said a bad word (he didn’t know it was bad, he repeated it from TV and I didn’t know it at the time) so I gave him a light tap on the bottom.
He said, "Mommy, I want to go to the Angels, I can’t live here if you don’t love me.) I almost started to cry and never ever disiplined any other way than with words and explanations.
Patience and time and your little one will learn. Remove all dangerous objects or remove the child from the room.
Children learn what they experience and if you hit, they will hit.
I have to add that I like Dr. Ray’s approach as well. Probably mostly because he lives near us and I know his ten kids. Now THERE’S proof positive that his methods work! Or is it his WIFE’s methods??!! She’s a real gem!
I would say a tap on the hand is not bad for an 11 month old, but a ruler seems a bit harsh. Just my opinion.
Scott Sullivan, thanks for your post. I appreciate all your references. We have 8 kids and have used corporal punishment. I don’t find it necessary to use it often. Just getting the paddle out is often all I need to do! And I have also found it isn’t ALWAYS what works most effectively for every child. So you learn as you go! Dr. Ray told me once that it isn’t the method you use that is most important. It is that you love your kids and work diligently to discipline them in whatever way you find effective.
As the mother of 12 children, I agree entirely with Danielle no one approach will work for one family, nor will one method work with each child. We have run the gambit from some children only needing a stern word to some children needing their bottom getting a serious smack.
Discipline of children is only successful with discipline of ones self. It requires a parent to be disciplined to go and remove a very young child from a "no situation" to a different location. Again and again and again. It takes discipline to follow through on a discipline that has been previously arranged ie, if you do xyz again, I will require 50 lines in cursive from you…. If you do not remember to do xyz, you will not go with the family to the park and so one of the parents must remain behind. All of these takes discipline.
Of course, this mum was asking about a very young child, and I am talking about a range of ages.
In addition to discipline, a child needs respect. Respect? Yes, respect, if you make a mistake and discipline in anger and I do not only mean haven given a spanking in anger that would perhaps be stronger than intended, but also if you realize you were too harsh in your response to the disobedience of the child – APOLOGIZE! You can say, I’m sorry that I yelled at you when you did xyz. You were wrong to do what you did but I was wrong to yell, I am sorry. If you realize that the child was not the culprit, apologize. You show the child dignity and respect when you do this as well as how to apologize when they make a mistake.
Also when possible do not discipline while angry. It is okay to tell a child: ‘I am too upset about what you have done to discuss it. Go to your room for now, while I calm down and think about how to handle this.’ This is beneficial to both you and the child and things will not be said or done that will need to taken back and repaired.
Whatever form of discipline that you as a family chose, consistency is the key. Only say what you mean and know you can and will do so that you can follow through with the form of punishment you have chosen. Also , make sure the child knows what it is that will happen and what you are expecting of him. Sometimes with large families, we can assume a younger child is aware of some rules that applied to older children and will not realize they are now in that category!
I will close by saying that discipline is very important to the child and the family as a whole. One only needs to look at the child who is out of control and the anger and despair written all over the parent’s face. It seems that once society began on the track that "spanking" was out, they threw the baby out with the bathwater and did not replace this one form of discipline with anything that actually works, leaving us with a generation of children, out of control and very angry that no one cared enough to raise them up with loving discipline.
One author whose book and tapes I really enjoyed is Barbara Colorosa, "Discipline, Kids are worth it!"
There are also many saints who are against corporal punishment. St. Therese of Liseux’s parents never used it, and St. Therese wrote that she obeyed her parents out of the fear of disappointing them, and losing their love…. not the fear of being beaten!! I think it is wrong to call corporal punishment Biblical because a. it was written in a different time, and b. is translated and could, in it’s translation, lose/add meaning that wasn’t meant to be there. If you go by the literal translation of the Bible, which evangelicals tend to do, there are a lot of things that we are doing wrong, like eating pork. Many biblical men had several wives/concubines, even some holy men…. but polygamy is obviously wrong!! And I looked at the Pearl’s website, and they are actually kind of sick!! They advocate hitting your kids with a piece of PVC plumbing supply line! I don’t know how that can not be considered abuse!
Just a short comment: I’ve gotta say that I can not believe that more people are not completely appalled that this women is hitting her LITTLE BABY with a ruler. I found the letter very disturbing when I read it. Disciple is one thing …. hitting a BABY is another!!!!
There are many things far more appalling than smacking your child on the hand for misbehavior. Our first child got into everything and the only way to get her to listen was to inflict a little pain sometimes. She clearly knew that she was doing something wrong and would just ignore our commands. The swat wasn’t even hard enough to make her cry (though she would sometime flinch, as this mother said), but it would get her attention when nothing else would. It was for her greater good that she learned not to play with the blind cords or try to pull lamps off of the end table. This mother clearly loves her child and is trying to do her best to keep her child safe and raise her well… otherwise she wouldn’t be e-mailing Danielle with questions or reading this blog. To call that appalling is a little bit harsh on this first-time mom!
Amy, I think that more people aren’t appalled because this woman is clearly trying to do the right thing (and that isn’t as common as one would think). If she thought it was wrong, she wouldn’t be doing it – indeed, she has since posted saying that she changed her mind on it and no longer does it.
I know parents that have been taught through both the Pearls and Ezzo to pinch their newborn in a hidden place (so as not to be reported to authorities) when he/she is crying because they view it as early manipulation by the child… and these parenting theories are both endorsed and taught at several local evangelical churches.
From what I’ve seen, most parents who follow these more intense forms of corporal punishment are doing so because our culture has clearly set a poor example of how to raise children so they want something more religiously based. I don’t think that is disturbing at all. When they find that there are still other ways to raise good kids, they are quick to jump on them. So thanks everyone for your great parenting advice endorsements!
I agree that perhaps appalled is a little harsh. I guess what bothers me the most is the age of the baby. 11 mo old is JUST WAY TO YOUNG for that, in my opinion. I realize that this is a first time mom and she’s doing the best that she can. I just think that there’s a better way, and I know that she’s trying to find it. sorry if I was too harsh.
BTW, ANON, just because evalgelical churches endorse pinching your kids, doesn’t make it right — just like alot of other things evangelical churches endorse.
I never said that it made it right
I was just sharing the mindset behind why the people I know who follow it do so. Seeing where others are coming from makes me a lot less appalled with their actions sometimes.
Christi. I love your comment.It is so difficult at times to be consistent with discipline when we are totally worn out by a specific behavior a child is struggling with.Also,what You said about respecting the child is so true.I have six children. The difference in my attitude from the time my first child was born and now is like night and day.I have a much more calm approach to my little ones,strict,but calm.
Mom of 5 speaking here. They are all different, and need to be disciplined differently. When they were babies I learned that a slap on the hand was not the best thing to do. By the time I had my 4th, I had more child proof gadgets than I care to think about LOL. Eventually they all grow out of that baby, curiousity stage. We do live through it, though at the time it seems overwhelming. I found my boys to be more challenging at that age than the girls. Enjoy this baby stage, it will never return. (Unless you have more children of course!) I always found the baby/toddler stage to be overwhelming, but they do grow out of it. My youngest is 14 now. HE is challenging in a different way LOL.
Me again.
I remembered being a teen,(oldest of 7 at the time) watching the Mike Donahue show with mom when some’expert’ came on to explain that babies can’t think until 17 months old. We laughed till we cried!
Yet some in our society spend very little time with babies especially in the high school/college/dating years before finally having one of their own.
Being with a baby 24/7 is exhausting because boy they can think of some amazing things! By the time you are planning their one year old party they are so completely differnt from the tiny bundle of diaper and blankets you brought home that you are thinking ‘toddler’ not baby.
And that moment you come home with baby number 2 they seem to have doubled in size. We need to ‘ponder these things in’ our hearts and remember to prepare our sons and daughters for their turn as parents.