A Reader Writes:
Our daughter is almost 11 months old and we are trying to figure out the best way to train her not to touch things that are dangerous like cords and outlets and such. She’s a very lively and strong-willed little girl. We’ve been doing a lot of hand smacking with a ruler, but with limited success — and I really don’t like the fact that she flinches now every time that I tell her no (but of course doesn’t stop what she’s doing!). Do you have any thoughts, suggestions, or books that you would recommend? Being a first time mother, I know I’m probably somewhat unrealistic in my expectations, but I really want to raise obedient, respectful, and disciplined children … I’m just not sure exactly how to go about doing so!

I think the most important things you say about your situation are “limited success” “I really don’t like the fact that she flinches” and “doesn’t stop what she’s doing.” You are not feeling happy about your current method of discipline and it’s not working anyway.

I commend you for recognizing consistent discipline as an essential component of good parenting. No matter where you fall in the spank or don’t spank debates, however, I think an 11 month old is way too young for any stronger discipline than a “doesn’t hurt at all tap to the fingers” (with your hand, not an object) accompanied by a stern “No!” And I even avoid the tap to the fingers thing.

When a baby stops responding to your stern “No” (and it sounds like your daughter has) you need to do something more. The “something more” I prefer to do is remove, distract, and repeat. Remove your child from the forbidden object or activity (put her in another room), turn a deaf ear to her complaints for a minute or two, and then return to distract her with an activity, a hug, a conversation, a toy, or a game. If she returns to the forbidden activity, that’s where the repeat comes in. Remove her again, ignore her protests again, and attempt to distract once more. It might take many times before you succeed.

This takes time, effort, and (yes!) discipline on your part, but it’s well worth it in the end. It might not work perfectly every time, but if you are consistent in your discipline, eventually even the stubbornest child learns not only what she is and is not allowed to do, but the more important lesson of “Mama loves me but she means what she says and I must obey.”

As for recommendations, I really like Dr. Ray Guarendi’s no-nonsense approach to child rearing, but I hesitate to recommend any one approach for all parents. What works beautifully in one family might fail in another simply because different parents and different children have different needs and temperaments. As you gain experience, you will get to know what kinds of things work best with your daughter and gain confidence in your parenting skills. Read as much parenting advice as you want, but take and use only what works well for you in the end.

And now go give that lively, strong-willed daughter of yours a big hug and a kiss from me!

is finding out days afterward that you totally slept through a backyard campfire with your cousins.

This morning, Gabby discovered the pictures.

“Heeeey,” she cried out. “Where was I?”

“In bed,” I told her.

She narrowed her eyes at the pictures and placed her hands on her hips with a harrumph as I backed slowly out of the room.

Nobody tell her about the marshmallows.

I occasionally get emails from people who are beginning a blog and they want to know: What advice might I offer new bloggers? While I do not consider myself an expert in all things bloggy, I do have some experience with this mom-blog thing. So, since some of you asked, I will share 5 thoughts for wannabe mom-bloggers.

1. Be brief.
Blog readers (especially moms) have only a few spare moments to devote to your daily contributions. They do care about your daytrip to the ocean, but they care only as much as they can glean in a few short paragraphs. If you want to say that making an impromptu daytrip to the beach was a lovely family respite in an otherwise hectic week, leave out whatever doesn’t contribute to that main point. Forget how you stopped at the convenience store for cranberry juice, how the baby got a rash from the sand, how your husband got you all lost and refused to stop for directions, how your neck got sunburned, and how the 2 year old was afraid of the roaring waves. Try not to take this too personally — it’s just a cold hard cyber-fact: Your readers aren’t curled up on the couch with a good book; they’re parked in front of a computer screen. They care about your trip for only about 5 paragraphs or so. Go on any longer and they’ll be skimming and clicking away.

2.Be real.
Nobody likes a phony and most readers are smart enough to sniff one out from miles away. If the purpose of your blog is to convince your mother-in-law that you really are a genius and your parenting really is perfect after all, then by all means fake it. But if you hope to contribute anything worthwhile and real to the human experience, you’ve got to be real yourself. Share some of the bad along with the good. Don’t be afraid to admit that you have flaws and humbly share your less than stellar experiences for the benefit of others.

3. Be nice.
There really is enough ugliness in the world. There’s enough nastiness, sarcasm, and vulgarity. If you are putting yourself “out there” in a public sphere, rest assured: There will be weirdos who send you hate email, there will be strangers who write unfair things about you on their own blogs that they would never dare to say to you in person, and there will be people who take offense to your very existence and behave in irrational, hateful ways because of it. Trust me. I have seen it all. Decide now that when the inevitable happens, getting down into the muck with the nasty people simply will not be an option for you. If you can’t take in stride the public dissemination of your every word, thought, opinion, and experience, delete your blog. Or keep it private.

4. Be meaningful.
People will read your blog if you have something to say. It doesn’t have to be all deepness all the time (that too gets dull) but you do need to occasionally draw a conclusion or make a statement or focus on the bigger picture. If you just want to keep an online journal of daily events and family pictures, that’s one thing. But if you want to write for an audience and if you want your audience to be edified on occasion by the things you have to say, do not make your blog a laundry list of daily happenings: I took Joey to his eye appointment, I picked up pizza for dinner, I tried to find a babysitter for Thursday night, I folded a pile of towels … Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

5. Be careful.
Besides the usual advice about not disclosing too much personal information online, I would caution mom-bloggers to beware something potentially even more sinister: Imbalance. Do not let your self esteem become so wrapped up in your stats, the number of comments you get, or the number of links your posts garner that you neglect your real life. How many “LOL’s” do you need in your comboxes before you’ll start to feel good about yourself, anyway? Seriously. It’s just a blog. It’s just lights on a screen. But you? You are positively irreplaceable to the people standing right there in your own kitchen. And that’s where you’ll find your self worth.

It’s time to do your Faith & Family homework again. Send along your (short!) answers to the questions below and you might just see your words of wisdom published in a future issue!

Say What?
What do you say to a friend or family member who contradicts your discipline choice in front of your kids (“Ah c’mon, let him have it — it’s a party!”)?

Do What?
What kind of things do you do to stretch your food budget?

Click here to send me your answers!

from a real mom:

1. What I had for lunch today.

2. What I used to give the baby a “bath” before bedtime.

3. How I managed to spend some quiet time alone with Dan this afternoon.

4. What I refilled with a squirt of shampoo and a whole lot of water and passed off as “antibacterial” to the family.

5. Mommy’s margarita maker.

6. What I hid way way way deep in the back of a bedroom closet.

7. How I compensate for sleep deprivation.

8. The kind of stuff I listen to alone in the car sometimes … real loud.

9. The only reason my family occasionally eats homemade pizza.

10. What I don’t even store in the outdoor shed anymore.

Lisa Hendey, of CatholicMom.com has announced a book contest giveaway. If you send her an email, you might just win a free copy of The Book of Jane. See here for details.

(moments after the over-sized, cousin-filled van pulled out of our driveway this afternoon)

Stephen: We are so quiet and boring.

is worth a thousand posts

photo credit: my sister Helene