A reader writes:
It would be nice to know that there are others out there who struggle with the conflict of truly being open to life and loving children and wanting a big family, but at the same time being overcome by the fear of the realities of a really big family and not knowing how to “slow down.” Because NFP isn’t as easy as everyone says it is and depending on one’s fertility signs, it doesn’t really always work. At least not for me.
Hmmmm, I do not want to get bogged down in the details of whether or not NFP “really works” here other than to mention that NFP methods test out at 98 point whatever percent effective, but what really counts for most people is “user effectiveness” which is a lower number. The simple fact is that using NFP to space or prevent pregnancy, particularly for some people, is not quite as simple as popping a pill. And that’s a good thing. Because we ought not to be using it the way some people pop a pill.
I think that with NFP, there wind up being many “accidental” pregnancies that are not truly “accidents” at all. Couples often know when they are bending or breaking particular rules or not paying close enough attention to fertility symptoms and lo and behold—a pregnancy results!
This might lead to a great deal of frustration with NFP, but as I said, I think it is a good thing. NFP is not fun. This fact likely encourages many couples to be more generous in planning their families than they would otherwise be. The seriousness with which most couples learn and use NFP is usually directly proportional to the seriousness of their reasons for using it. Personally speaking, if conception did not come easily for us and my husband and I had to actively plan every single pregnancy in the way people using artificial birth control do, we might have 3 or 4 children by now. We surely wouldn’t be expecting our eighth. We would be missing out and wouldn’t even know it.
All of which brings us to the heart of the emailer’s struggle. It can be hard—so very hard—to accept God’s plan for our families in place of our own. It is downright scary sometimes to turn something as powerful and potentially life-changing as our fertility over to God. And this works both ways. I know women struggling with infertility who want desperately to conceive and are unable to. These women too experience frustration, disillusionment, and fear in accepting God’s will for themselves and their families.
But our bodies and our fertility do belong to God. Sometimes the hardest words in the world to pray are “Thy will be done.” I know that when I pray it, my mind sometimes races through all the possibilities of what “God’s will” might be and I am tempted to add, “Oh, except for that! Thy will be done as long as it isn’t that!” Something to work on.
I don’t have any particular questions to pose on this topic, but there is a lot to think about here and I am pretty sure you all will have something to share. Thoughts?
NFP IS Family Planning and can be just as sinful as artificial means of contraception if not used for the most serious of reasons. We must rely more on God’s Will for us in sending His gifts and HIS timing, than on ourselves. We must also trust in His Divine Providence to provide us with the means to take care of these "gifts". We also cannot always trust what some doctors tell us – one told me, after our second child, that I should never have any more children because it was too dangerous, since I hemorhagged badly after delivery and then developed phlebitis. I was only 21 years old! Again, after our 6th child, I was in the hospital for over 20 days with phlebitis in both legs – and the doctor told me we should really consider not having any more children. However, tests had proven I was one of 15% of the world’s women who ovulated several times a month- and we were Catholic – and we knew that NFP would not work for us – so we prayed a lot for God’s help. He Blessed us with 13 children, after 15 pregnancies in 24 years. It was very hard, to say the least, as my husband was a carpenter & I could not work outside the home, obviously. There were times when we didn’t know where our next meal would come from – literally – but someone would come to our door with a few pizzas or a huge pot of soup or money which they owed my husband for a long time and which we had forgotten about. So, God took such good care of us – He can never be outdone in generosity if we are generous with Him. I cannot stress enough to just rely on God – He knows what is best for you and the right number of children for your family. He will never abandon you. Do not give in to the anti-life mentality or the "limited" number of children mentality which pervades our society and even our church. You will never be sorry for trusting in the Lord and Giver of Life!
When/if I marry, I will be unable to concieve because I have Turners’ syndrome (I don’t have ovaries). I don’t think people appreciate what a gift it is to be able to have a child. I am one of seven children (my oldest brother died before I was born though and two sibling’s are my father’s from another relationship). When my older sister was little she asked my mom where babies come from, Mom told her that when a mommy and a daddy love each other God sends them a child. My sister replied: "He really let you have it!"
I have a friend with three children who was using NFP. She "accidentally on purpose" forgot to keep up with the calendar when she concieved her third. Her children are all beautiful! I pray often for families, especially those who are struggling to stay together.
I come from a family of nine-my Mother could not work outside the home. My last brother was a premie as a result of my Mother’s nearly deadly sickness-Spinal Meningitis. The Doctor’s said if she lived, we would be lucky if she knew us in a year! And she knew all of us as soon as she came out of a coma-one that lasted over a week-her fever had been so bad-they put her on a bed of ice! She heard my Dad saying that we needed her while she was in the coma! So many Parishes full of people were praying for her. My youngest Brother is in heaven because he was born too early to breathe on his own in those days.
In July my Mother will be 80! My Father was a hard working Plasterer and foreman. Trust in God, Ladies: He will never let you down.
I struggle with my own gift of fertility. I am an only child adopted by parents who were never able to conceive their own child, so the plight of infertility is always with me.
I have a wonderful spiritual guide, and know I should trust. This is the only area I just am not sure about her advise. She states that I have reason to not have more children now within Church guidelines due to the “mental health of the mother”. (I am a Homeschooling mother of seven and do the office work for our family business.)
In prayer I really seem to hear God saying that my fertility was given to us by Him and given back to Him by spiritually by me. My struggles with “keeping up” are really my struggles with my root sin of Pride and trying to do it all myself. My cross may be coping with my selfishness while giving love to a large family. My rooting out the root sin of Pride may be my needing to ask for help from those God has placed in my path and those He chooses to send that I may not even know yet.
To hear the comments of women and men who really wanted larger families, but the other spouse stopped pregnancies either through sterilization or radical use of NFP is really sad…… I am one cycle back into my fertility after baby seven…….. Lord, could you just send a burning bush or a talking cloud to tell us where to go from here? I have a lot of years of fertility…. I think…. ahead of me yet!
I must agree with the above comment that we must trust in God’s ability to provide for the very lives he blesses us with. We have 12 and are prayerfully considering if we are called to have one more. I am 44 and we are running our own business with no health insurance so being open to life will indeed call for us to trust in God’s providence. (BTW I too was told after my third not to have more as it was most probable that no other baby I conceived would survive… we decided to leave that decision in God’s hands – much to our delight of receiving 9 more blessings, mind we have 6 in heaven as well!!!)
Yet – there are serious reasons for sometimes not being open to life. I had a friend whom after 4 children honestly did not think she could cope with more. She suffered from depression and so she really did have good reason to stop at four. Another friend who suffered from a serious illness that worsened after each pregnancy decided with her husdand after six she should not have more children.
So I have learned not to ‘judge’ why others might have limited the size of their family. A parish is different though – it is not likely that a parish that averages 2.3 kids for over 90% of the parish ALL had serious and grave reasons to limit their families or that for some bizarre reason 90% of the parish were infertile… When you see that type of statistics in a parish – it is highly probably that many are birth controlling themselves out of existence – but we do NOT know who is doing this and who is praying for a third baby. We must love each family regardless and not judge. (Something I often did – which is why I am so adament about it!)
Blessings to you all!
Christi mum2twelve
Hi everyone… I have recently discovered Danielle’s wonderful website…
We have just had our fourth baby and prior to her birth I really wondered how I would cope… I think the fourth child enters you into the criteria of a "large" family – well, the beginning of a large family!
Since Michaela’s birth in January and despite numerous medical complications, I find myself earnestly hoping and praying for more children! I can see the abundant blessings with my older children of having a little one to love, care for and sacrifice for…
I think one of the problems of small families (I was one of only two children) is that as we grow, we become more selfish as we don’t have little ones to help out with. On the contrary, my older ones will be well educated in what the sacrificial love of parenting little ones is all about and in turn, my youngest ones will learn from their siblings as they eventually marry and start their own families… Unless of course, they all enter religious life!!!
With regard to NFP… I feel called to dismiss it for now, although whilst breastfeeding I never ovulate and need to lose a few kilos to begin ovulating again once b/f stops. NFP is a wonderful tool, but I do agree with Danielle in that it can be misused. I remind myself that God will never send more than we can cope with and that children are the jewels in our crown.
Sorry to ramble! May God bless us all with the grace to accept His will in our lives, as difficult as it may be at times.
Karen… in Australia!
Whoops – guess I should have referred to the comment of trusting God to provide as being in the first comment! Sorry.
Blessings again
Christi
PS I too have been advised for "mother’s mental health" not to have more… ultimantly we must look to the Lord for guidance. Sometimes that comes from both parents being of the same mind. At this time both my husband and I want another baby but we are both concerned for my health so… a little more prayer and perhaps a few less calories are needed before we make a decision!
We are not Catholic, but started using NFP last fall because the artificial birth control was making me horribly depressed. Then the more I read about the morality behind NFP, I realized that contraception is immoral, and that we did not have serious reasons to avoid pregnancy. We are now expecting our first child in December. I think God blessed the right action we took by first giving us the understanding of WHY it was the right action, and then by giving us the desire to have children, and then finally allowing us to conceive our first child.
It seems to me that we just need to do a better job of educating the public about how effective NFP is, and WHY contraception is wrong. We need a massive public-education campaign, ideally without the "stigma" of it being a Catholic-only thing. And of course lots of prayer.
I look at women with large families as being very blessed. My mother had a difficult time getting pregnant and her first baby was stillborn. She was told she would never have children; my brother was born nine years later and I was born four years later.
I married at 31 and, when I didn’t get pregnant with a few years, I thought I was taking after my mother and to just wait. To make a long story short, my husband and I adopted two children after twenty years of marriage. There were times when I was ready to give up on adoption, but kept praying. I became a mother of two children at 51 years of age; my son is almost 6 and my daughter is 4. People tell me how lucky and blessed our children are have us. We feel we are so blessed to have our children – the answer to our prayers!
One thing I will never know is what it is like to be pregnant and to feel life moving within me. There are times I look at a pregnant woman and feel envious. Those are the times I think about my children and thank God for what He has given me.
We are expecting our third child in early December after only nearly 4 years of marriage. We had hoped, or "thought" that we would like to have a bit more of a space than 20 months between the 2nd and 3rd but obviously, God had other plans and we were actively using NFP. It was just one of those crazy extra-long cycles, which is not regular for me. So, I think God had/has His way of "helping" us be open to life, even if it seems difficult or isn’t the way that we thought it would be.
Hmmm… I think NFP signs must be easier for some people to read than others, and I wish I had the answer to that.
I would like to say that there can be valid reasons to postpone pregnancy; for some couples, those postponements turn out to mean no more children. While we are all called to be open to life, we are also called to care for the lives we have already been open to.
I have known couples who would love to have more children, but who only have 2, because each month they have discerned in prayer that the Lord was not calling them to have more, and the serious problems that were preventing them were still there. My husband and I at one time had to postpone more children for 4 years, not by our choice, due to various issues, including my mental health. When your spiritual guide and 2 priests whom you know & trust counsel you that this is not a good time to conceive, you really need to listen (this was our case.) When you can’t discern God’s will on your own, He will send you someone who can help. Thank God for those people!!
If you ever read anything by Greg Popcak (who is a Catholic therapist), that can be helpful with this (he has a webblog). Also helpful is Janet Smith (who last I checked was a philosophy professor at Ave Maria.)
We have used NFP for 8 years now. First time, perfect. Second time we tried for almost 2 years and then 15 months after him came #3. He was no accident. We just knew we wanted another baby and it had taken us so long to conceive the second time we figured we’d be trying for a long time again.
What can I say? God has a terrific sense of humor. I was nervous about taking the pregnancy test because I had a 6 month old at the time. I was scared I couldn’t handle another one so soon, as #2 was a challenging baby.
When I finally got the guts to take the test, all I could do was laugh. How could I not rejoice at the gift I had been given? I know so many people who are unable to conceive that I just couldn’t be sad or upset.
I think it’s one of God’s last true holds on us. It’s the one area that He can still say, "You know what? I’m the one in charge here and, believe it or not, I know better than you!"
My husband and I used Natural Family Planning. We started with just the Basil temperature, because that was all we knew about. But then used the sympto-thermal method for several years before relaxing to just using the vaginal discharge/fluid consistancy. NFP works BOTH ways: you also know when you ARE most likely to conceive. It worked for us, I got pregnant the first month each time we were trying for another baby. Only, with the planning/timing we ended up with boys each time!
Breastfeeding can be a very natural, God designed, way to space babies….for some people. Two year spacing is the norm with completly breastfed babies. Ha! My period returned and I was fertle within two to three months of delivery!
NFP is great because the rule is fertility and the exception is infertility. If you don’t want to have babies, then you have to be proactive about it. The pill means that the rule is infertility. If you don’t want to have babies, then you don’t have to change anything. Just keep taking pills! To have a baby you actually have to make a conscious decision and change your life style. But the couple using NFP are naturally inclined to have children, as indeed God intended.
Thought I’d add another Aussie comment.
Well, I grew up in a very conservative Catholic family/background and never considered anything but NFP. In fact, when we first married, we were actually more providentialists than anything, just figuring we would let God decide for us. However, after 10 pregnancies in 10 years (several miscarriages in there)—despite having babies on the breast, struggles with serious depression and how to cope when you really don’t enjoy motherhood one iota and had truly believed that God would instill you with some of that motherly instinct once you had children of your own, only to discover otherwise, a serious chronic disease at least in part due to the very real physical/psychological stresses on the body/mind, and difficulties with every form of NFP out there (about 5 pregnancies in, we decided providentialism obviously wasn’t the best thing for our family *g*), I have learned not to be judgmental of people who have chosen to limit family size and to spend more of my energy trying to raise my own children in the best way I know how and less on worrying about the family-planning decisions of others.
I know a lot of couples who practice either providentialism or NFP, to varying degrees of success, and I have seen a lot of couples who are VERY over-extended as a result (many of those marriages aren’t that hot as a result of the stressors, either, I might add). There is one family in particular that I seriously worry about and struggle with the fact that there might be real emotional abuse happening to the children and worry about the psychological stability of the mother. Remember Andrea Yates.
Yes, our bodies and fertility belong to God, just like EVERYTHING we have belongs to Him, but that doesn’t mean we should just sit in a closet and let everything just happen in our lives, helter-skelter, with no thought to what is best for our families. It’s one thing to be a providentialist knowing that you can handle it all without having a mental breakdown, but when God sends you very clear signs that having 10,12,15 kids probably isn’t the best thing for your family, I do believe that He expects us to pay attention to those signs.
Please don’t think I am judging those families who have made the decision to have as many children as God so chooses to send them biologically. I’m not—if you have the physical and emotional/psychological capabilities to do that and be a good parent to all those children, more power to you! I’m in awe of you and even envious of you in some ways! But to assume that everyone has been called by God to that same vocation (because having a very large family IS a vocation of its own!) has never made much sense to me. And many of the situations I have seen with my own eyes bear that reality out, and unfortunately, it’s often the children who end up suffering the consequences.
My advice: pray for God to reveal His Will for your life to you, take advantage of the sacraments and the graces they provide, and He won’t let you down. NFP can be a real gift from God for couples who have real reasons to plan their families.
When I had my first child I used NFP, I remember my husband asking me if it were safe and responding I don’t think so. His next question was Do you care? and my response was NO! GOD was the decision maker here not us. Our son, is HIS precious gift to us and HE knew exactly what day HE wanted him to be conceived. #2 came 13 months later, there was no NFP involved and I had two complete cycles in the beginning. Life was felt before the 2nd cycle was missed. GOD’s hand at work again. Our last son came 5 1/2 and 4 1/2 years respectively of his older brothers. Again, GOD had the plan. The birth was perfect and all 3 boys were born naturally and without any health problems. A grace I truly thank GOD for everyday, even now 27, 26, and 21 years later. Following the delivery there were complications. The placenta would not separate from the uterus wall. I was hemoraging to death. GOD interceded again. HE gave me a OB/GYN that had observed a uterus only hysterectomy during his med school. At 25 1/2 I could no longer have children, but HE graced me with 3 and my life so that I would be the mother who raised them. They are my most precious gifts from him along with the gift of my husband.
Worth sharing: When I became pregnant with the 3rd child everyone in my extended family suggested I abort because of the age spread and the fact that my second would be starting kindergarten in the fall and my life would be so much easier. (An option never even considered an option in my mind.) I went out for dinner one night with my husband for chinese. This was the contents of my fortune cookie: "It is better to save one life then to build a seven story pagoda." How’s that for divine intervention. Blessings to you all
My husband and I have 5 children, and have practiced NFP for the duration of our marriage. Three out of the 5 were planned, and 2 were "oops" babies. Let me explain the "oops". Baby #3 was conceived shortly after my mother in law’s funeral, when I was breast feeding our 2nd. I kind of "knew" that it wasn’t the best time but went ahead anyway and had a little fun with my husband. The next morning I vividly remember checking my signs and saying to myself "oh shoot, what did we do?". Anyway, baby #3 came along 9 months later when #2 was 17 months old. Our 5th was also, not really planned either, at the time we had just made a Marriage Encounter Weekend and were just head over heels in love again. What can I say LOL?? After #5 was born, we both realized that God’s plan for us was to have 5 children. Our youngest is 13 now, and what a blessing he has been! Of course, all our children have been blessings to us! Because of many struggles that have gone on in our family over the last 8 or 9 years, God knew we could not handle another one. We are always open to new life, but my days are waning as the big "M" is rapidly approaching. I am happy that God gave us 5 beautiful children!
As we are going international this time – here is a comment from England.
I just wanted to add my own experience. My boyfriend and I are delaying our marriage because we are worried that we cannot support children with our current jobs and situation (we both have large debts from our university degrees). We live apart (he is still at home) and have done throughout our 5 year courtship, because we believe that if we were to marry, children would follow pretty soon afterwards. Although we would love to have a family, and pray that God will bless us with several ‘gifts’ we are putting considerable strain on our relationship because we can’t afford it yet.
No solutions really, just an example of another problem!
I disagree with people who insist that it is God’s plan for all families to be large families. I firmly believe using NFP to limit your family size at your own discretion is not only appropriate but it is only fair to the children you alreay have! I have three children (and endured one dreadful miscarriage) in 10 years of marriage. The children are 3 and 4 years apart. This spacing has been so wonderful, as we treasured the children’s babyhood, nursed for an extended period, and loved sharing our bed with these tiny important and fun litle people. I don’t care to space my children as closely as merely breastfeeding would allow. I do not care to add to our already strained finances by having babies every two years, either. I love being a sahm who homeschools and I love the attention I am able to provide my smaller (only in the most conservative circles is my family small!) family. We will continue to prevent pregnancy until God either moves my husband to want more children or shows us that we are ready by an "oops" pg. I am very open to life, and would be thrilled to find myself pregnant, but I see no need to usurp my children’s babyhood by giving them a brother or sister before they are old enough to be weaned from me, which isnt before 2-2.5 here.
I agree with Christi mum of twelve about judgement on others in family planning. My husband was an alcoholic during the time I had my children (14 months apart) and I decided I just could not handle another baby with my situation. Of course I was looking for the short term relief and realize now at the age of 50, if I would have trusted in God, things may have been different. I had no support system of extended family…my mother used birth control herself and I grew up in a predominately Protestant community along with the early 1980s culture of the women’s movement.
I realize that ultimately I did not place my trust in God’s will for my life. But I do believe in my situation, my decision was not out of selfishness ( I wanted a bigger house, etc) but out of the pain of living with an alcoholic. I do agree that we live in a materialistic society and many may not want children because they want to spend money on themselves. But it not in every case…
To reconcile myself with God, with this decision I made 2 decades ago, I now support my friends with large families and support the prolife movement.
Again, I agree with the mumoftwelve- be very careful in judging other people because you may not know all the factors playing into their situation.
I agree that it is so scary having children that were "not planned" in our will but it is God’w Will. we are pregnant with our 5th child and I am not yet 30 years old. Realistically I may have another 15 years of fertility. WOW! That frightens me. I am very overwhelmed as it is. Our oldest is not yet 6. Sleep deprived etc… I do have trust and great faith this is God’s Will- great peace overpowers me. If it was up to us, as we were hoping to hold off a while before conceiving again so soon, but God wants this baby. I did not get my menstrual cycle back while breastfeeding and did not know that I ovulated…Surprise–baby #5! SO, great faith….keep the prayer life no matter what. The act of your will to keep Christ the center of your life can keep you stable. Keep educated in NFP- attend classes over and over again if need be. Pray. Pray. Pray. God bless you all.
I have to admit, my most pet peeve question is "Are you done now?" In which I always say "I don’t know, God has not told me that yet!" We do have to be careful not to judge others we do not know their situations, and would not be able to walk in their shoes even one day. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and have experienced both infertility (first 3 years) and a surprise pregnancy. Our 4th child was born this past month and we are truly blessed, but also need to be aware of others’ feelings and what they are going through. Mine are all c-sections, and although I would love to have more than 5 children, probably will not be able to. (although, I do have one miscarriage in heaven) It is hard not to judge the 2 and 3 child families who choose not to have any more because they are "done", and their reasons are purely selfish, but we have to remember God only can judge them and someday they will regret and understand more than they do now. Danielle I love the way you answered this topic. God Bless you!
My husband and I also struggled with NFP. I had a difficult time some months telling when I was fertile. Most of the time we have just left it in God’s hands. I struggled sometimes with having our kids fairly close together but God always provided for us. Whether it was food, clothes, money or more patience for Mom. As for the reality of having a large family. It is hard but wonderful. We have eight and just found out we are expecting our ninth. (My youngest is 10 months) I can’t imagine being without any of them. The older ones help with the younger ones and all help in some way around the house. Even if it is just picking up old cookies that a 10 month old someone can stuff into his mouth as fast as he can. Two of mine were definite oops babies and I’m so glad God sent them to us. This current baby is so wanted by us even though I am pregnant sooner then I had wanted to be. Please pray for him or her. There are complications and we aren’t sure what is going to happen. God bless.
We are at a different kind of crossroads right now: we’ve gotten really good at NFP! We had four boys in five years and then decided to really hunker down with NFP. The method never failed us, but we decided to stop taking risks, etc. and got very conservative. Now our youngest son is almost four-and-a-half and we are still prayerfully considering our family size. Is this the number of children for us? What does God want for us, in light of the life He has given us.
How do you take the plunge? We never had to try and get pregnant before — each pregnancy was a very pleasant surprise. We rejoiced, but also knew, at a point, we needed to take a break. Of course a baby is wonderful, life is wonderful, openness to life is important. But there is also free will and our responsibility as a couple to prayerfully consider what is best for our family. One family may decide 8 is that number (I’m the oldest of eight. Big families are beautiful!), while another may stop at three, or four.
It’s interesting: I find myself relying on God’s grace and mercy now that we’re praying through this situation as much as when we were having babies every 21 months.
Having a large family is a vocation in and of itself. Just as there are many houses in the temple of the Lord, there are many sizes of families. My husband and I have struggled with the realities of raising children and we take our role as parents and providers very seriously. We pray constantly that we are open to God’s call and sometimes there is some doubt as to what God really wants us to do.
I came from a very large family and I am grateful for the gift of my brothers and sisters, and the loving care I received from my parents. I don’t, however, think that it is the right choice for every husband and wife. There are financial, emotional and physical realities that have be addressed in every marriage and every family. God has given us the gift of not only our fertility, but our discernment as well.
I don’t really have any answer to this dilemna. Sometimes it’s hard to reign in the sexual appetite when the time is not right to have a child. Temperance is a virtue and it is perfected by practice and prayer. And on the flip side, I’ve never met anyone that has ever regretted an "oops" baby and the amount of joy that that child brought to the family.
I really have struggled with the not being judgemental of Catholics with small families…of course, God with his sense of humor has taken care of that for me!
First, we tried on and off for 5 years to concieve our first (for anyone who has "tried" to have a baby…it is emotionally exhausting!) Finally, we did a novena to St. Gerard Majella asking for a child. We even changed it up to ask for either a biological or adopted child. We filled out all the paperwork to do foster-adoption through Catholic Charities. We put off sending in the papers until the new year…and found out we were expecting our first during the second week of January!
So, there goes part of my judgementalism. The second part came with her birth…I had an extremely difficult c-section (she was breech) and had I not switched to doctor #3 for that pregnancy, I am certain that I would have ended up with a vertical incision and no possibility of ever having a vaginal birth (as is, I do have a vertical exterior incision because of the complications) but since my doc knew that I wanted to attempt a VBAC in the future, he made sure I could try.
I am now expecting #2, and I am very excited, yet terrified! I have to doctor and deliver 3 1/2 hours away from our home to be at a big city hospital…and honestly, the only things that could possibly be worse than my last delivery would be if 1) something happened to the baby (God forbid!), 2) if I lost my uterus, or 3) if I died…not to be morbid or anything! I am really hoping for a normal birth this time around…which would increase my chances of being able to have a larger family.
I have watched several good Catholic women struggle with the family issue. One had her 4th and last about 6 months before my first. She had all c-sections (attempted the first and second as vaginal births, but out here it is generally "once a c-section, always a c-section") and with her last had an emergency hysterectomy to save her life. Another had her fourth, and probably last. The first was a c-section, the next two were VBACs and the final one was an emergency c-section after VBAC attempt. The doctor told her that her uterine scar was getting very thin and he would be afraid of a rupture if she became pregnant again.
I know that there are probably many people in the pews that are using some form of contraception (or even using NFP with a contraceptive mentality) but I can’t tell you who they are…and even those that I know for a fact use contraception…all I can do is pray for them to have a change of heart.
The "are you going to have any more?" question that I get now that I am expecting #2 is very frustrating…but I just tell people that I am doing them one at a time…and they should talk to me after I get done with this one! I know it will only get worse with future children (particularly if this one turns out to be a boy…as then I’ll have "one of each!" the American ideal…) but I guess that is one of the small crosses that go along with having a larger family…
Your reader wrote of the "struggle with the conflict of truly being open to life and loving children and wanting a big family, but at the same time being overcome by the fear of the realities of a really big family and not knowing how to ‘slow down.’"
I just want to emphasize that when we trust God and approach *all* aspects of life prayerfully, He will provide. He may not always provide in the ways we expect. When I had my fourth miscarriage, I was devastated and thought my husband and I had incorrectly discerned God’s will about that child. My wonderful spiritual director reminded me that God *did* want us to have that child — we just didn’t know why He wanted us to have him for such a short time. But, even with the losses, God has provided. He has taught me something ineffable with each miscarriage, and I’ve learned to trust that my heartbreaks are in His hands.
As for judging, we just can’t ever really know what’s going on within a particular family. As most commenters have said, we have no idea what people are going through — I have six souls in heaven, and only three "visible" children on earth. My own experience has helped me to see that the visible number of children says very little about one’s faithfulness to Church teaching.
Oops … that’s me below … anonymous … Didn’t mean to be ….
My husband and I have struggled with NFP/fertility/God’s plan for our family for our entire marriage. It’s safe to say that it’s our biggest disagreement EVERY SINGLE MONTH.
If it were completely up to him, we would probably continue to have children until we had 12, or more…. On the other side, I felt like 2 was a lot for me to handle and be a good mommy to my kids. I have serious health issues and have been on medication for the last nine years.
We were married for 8 years before we were blessed with our first baby. We actually took the Sympto-Thermal method class to be able to conceive—-we were the ONLY ones in the class who took the class for this reason.
My husband used to joke when people asked why we didn’t have any children "yet" when we were doing everything we could to have a baby, but it was terribly painful for both of us when I would get my cycle each month. It was like a death in the family, and cause for our biggest fights in our marriage at that time.
We are now expecting our 4th baby, due in July, and are very excited about it.
That said, I believe that some people are very self-righteous and prideful when it comes to deciding what other couples "ought to be doing" when it comes to having more children. We have been on the receiving end of criticism and personal questioning about why we do not have *more* children than we have.
We are not all called to have a certain set number of babies. If so, it would be written in the Ten Commandments, or in one of the Gospels. But it isn’t.
I guess I am just not as holy and trusting as a lot of other Moms are out there. I feel like four is beyond my limit of being able to keep a cheerful disposition, homeschool, read to my darlings, rock the youngest to sleep, keep my marriage strong and try to keep our household from falling apart.
But yet, here I am, expecting another baby…..so pray for me please, and know that some of us with "smaller families" also struggle with balancing God’s Will, and the very human limits some of us have……
My husband and I are just begininng our fertility adventures- we have been married for about a month.
I was using the Creighton Model for charting my cycle for about 5 or 6 months before the wedding. We had agreed that NFP would not be used during our honeymoon, but that we would see where we were when we came home, to determine whether we would try to postpone pregnancy for a little while or not.
As the wedding approached, I kind of stopped charting, and then I had the longest cycle of my life…45 days (I am a clockwork 28 day girl) and I am almost certain I was fertile during the honeymoon (which I prayed for anyways). Creighton was easy to use before the wedding, but I haven’t ordered more charts to use yet. I think for now we’re just going to see what happens…I’m 8 days late for a 28 day cycle, but maybe it will be another long one, and the pregnancy test I took was negative, though it may have been too early. We both desire a very large family, and I have practice dealing with many children (I babysit for lots of large families) and I enjoy it…though I realize that to babysit is not even close to what it must be like to have children of your own, 24/7. So we’ll see. I think as long as we trust God, He will provide and plan our famly. I don’t think God would give anyone more than they can handle, though sometimes we may feel as Mother Theresa did when she said, "I wish He didn’t trust me with so much."
I wish I knew what the letters NFP mean?????
Marianne,
NFP = Natural Family Planning
NFP – Natural Family Planning
When my husband and I were dating I used to joke that I wanted 12 children. I considered it a good sign when he wasn’t scared away! We now have five little "buggas" and one in heaven; half way there!
I can tell you that I count among my greatest blessings two things: 1)my six children, and 2)being of one heart and mind with my husband with regard to having more children. This is so not the case for many of you, and my heart goes out to you women! Believe me, there are many areas where my strong-willed husband and his strong-willed wife disagree! But I find that the Holy Spirit often speaks to me the loudest in the form of my husband’s voice. Sigh. So I try to submit and when I fail (which is often) I try a little harder next time.
Anyway. If you don’t mind me saying so, a healthy sex life is one of the best things that can happen to a marriage. Certainly I didn’t come up with this philosophy on my own, but I can attest to its truthfulness! And as it works out, such beautiful intimacy often results in a beautiful little beebums 10 months down the road. Isn’t that a wonderful thing? No child–let me repeat it for emphasis–NO child can be conceived without God willing it.
So I’ll pray for you and you pray for me. Perhaps our prayer should be the strenthening of marriages & families in general, which NFP certainly does.
We also want a big family, and have also struggled with NFP and with the realities of actually having a big family. We are among 37.7% of couples who ovulate prior to return of menses (but unlike most, we’ve conceived right away each time). This was a BIG struggle with our 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. We felt like we were suppossed to be spacing our kids and were not being responsible by having them so close together; but we have since learned that the Church teaches that using NFP is a privation, not the "status quo", although it is a great blessing for those who have grave reasons to avoid pregnancy.
We very often feel overwhelmed but have been trying to maintain an attitude of thankfulness instead of allowing those feelings to grow into worry and fear. That in itself is an exercise in perseverance and can only be accomplished by the grace of God. Looking back, I see how with each pregnancy He has led us to trust in Him more, and given us the grace to grow in humility, patience, and love.
Does this mean that having a large family is the only way, or even the best way to advance in holiness? Of course not! The Church, in her infinite wisdom, gives us saints from all walks of life because our paths to holiness are not the same, but lie in discerning and doing God’s will with JOY! Yep…something to work on.
I wanted to add something else that I have thought about since I posted last night. I find it to be a challenge to discern your family size, particularly when you have families who point you in different directions. My family is one of those families who basically just attends Mass on Sundays where my husband’s family is on the opposite end of that and attends Latin Mass and the Church encompasses every aspect of their life. One family couldn’t believe we waited until our first was a year to have the 2nd and the other family was shocked it happened so fast. It’s difficult to find the way that God wants you to have in the midst of family pressure, from either direction. Ok, that’s all I wanted to add.
We contracepted the first few years of our marraige the used NFP for 10 years. I spent most of my last pegnancy very angry.(Didn’t go to confession for 7 months) I knew it was a bad week to be intimate and was exhausted caring for sick kids and had very serious reasons to use NFP. Yet we were pregnant. My husband just never got reading the charts and didn’t get me awake enough to get a clear answer- I don’t remember conceiving. I stuggled along for a year then ask him to get a vasectomy.
I know it is sin and we pay the price every month. I thought at least now I don’t have to try and teach him to wait anymore– of course now there is no motivation. The fact is he was not prepared for this when we married and I was a woos– unable to stand up for anything for fear I’d lose him.
We must prepare our children: to love to sacrifice for others, to expect to wear out and die so expend yourself for others, to eat, sleep and live healthy so fertility is easier to manage if you must.
Don’t get me wrong I love my husband and my children. My mother taught me what was known about NFP at the time. We’ve grown and learned a lot from NFP. But it requires tremendous efforts on the part of the spouses and we must give them credit when the do well– something I struggle to do.
Wish I’d had doctors who understood. I cornered the last one with the remark that everytime I asked my doctors for help I got an anectdote about a Catholic who got permission or forgivness for using Birth Control instead of Medical advice on staying healthy.
If no one told you: Couple to Couple League has a Nutritionist who is also a trained teacher. She wrote a book on using nutrition to make all stages of fertility easier to deal with and what health issues to discuss with your doctor if you see certain abnormalities in your chart. Her name is Marilyn Shannon.
We’ve been married 57 years and have 5 children and had 1 miscairage. I always said I wanted 6 children. We went by the charts all those years but it stills happens. When I got pregnant the last time I was really upset but my daughter is the most precious thing in my life. I love all my children but she is special and I thank God for her every day.
I am a convert to Catholicism and I sometimes think, "what I am I crazy?" I have two small children and sometimes feel there is no way I could ever have more. I usually spend one afternoon a week in tears. I pray so earnestly for faith and hope. I don’t know what the future will hold for our family size but I know the only way to survive is to pray and take it all one child at a time. God will give us the grace we need when it is time.
Please look up my poem:"My child" at Poetry.com under my above name. It goes well with what you have written above about woman that cannot conceive. You can use it in your column if you want to. I read your column every day. Thanks for being you.
Love, Gigi
One child at a time is the case for most of us (some come by twos and threes, but that is not the usual)…I think this is the way to move on. I suspect that most of us with kids spend an afternoon here or there in tears, I know I do (we have three under 4.5). But I know these years will be fleeting, I know that the one afternoon of crying that I spent with one hasn’t been multiplied by three, so I suspect if we were blessed with three more it wouldn’t increase that much more. I suspect that barring physical/mental illness that most of us are just dealing with facing our weaknesses and our sins and that one more child would expose that much more for God to heal. I also think that, as women we tend to dwell on the fears, the worry, the things don’t get done, or might not get done.
I know all these things and yet I still find myself in tears a couple times a week wondering how God could have entrusted such sweet souls to such an awfully selfish and weak mom. I mean, What was He thinking?!!
But here they are and I pray, on my good days, that they will have more siblings to fill their lives with more joy, and mine too!
When we were engaged, people used to ask my husband and me, "How many children do you want?" We always answered, "No more than 10." After having our first child, we realized what a true blessing children are (this was despited the fact that we had a colicky baby, who cried no matter what we tried to do, so we held our crying baby and swayed and rocked). Based on our realization, we changed our answer to the infamous question to, "However, many God wants to bless us with." Like those I responded to, I always thought that this would mean a lot of children. When I miscarried our fifth child, I realized that being open to life does not mean that we will necessarily have 8, 10, or 12 children. It does mean that we will love each child that God entrusts to our care, whether He blesses us with 1 or 15. I will pray for all those who are struggling with being open to life. May God give you all the love and perseverance you need!
I too stuggle ALOT reading my signs. At first , I learned one method of NFP that was taught in a group settling. Honestly I couldn’t follow along, even with extra help from the instructor. My husband and I joked that we would get pregnant since we couldn’t follow along, and sure enough we did. Well, after #2, I looked into a different method, that had individual instuction, that helped me alot. We met alot and I finally..after lots of instuction..learned it. I know that if I didn’t change methods, I would be very upset with NFP. Luckily there are different methods for all of us different learners.
there are already so many comments i haven’t read them all, but i wanted to jot a quick note to the mothers with a few young children who find themselves really struggling right now….i was in this same boat a couple years ago, with 3 under 3 (the first 3 just came very quickly, too quickly for me to figure out nfp) i thought i was going to LOSE it. i spent time angry at God, i really struggled with this, BUT i just prayed really hard, asking God and Our Lady for a break, some space, everyday, i prayed for what i felt i really needed. ultimately, God answered my prayers and there was a 4 1/2 year space until baby #4. my point is twofold, first family planning should go along with lots and lots and lots and lots of prayer and communication with God. i really think He will work with you on this issue if you work with Him. i think, in fact, that this is the point of NOT contracepting. God wants the marriage to be a constant work in progress, a cooperation between our will and His. NFP does give us some control, yet it also allows for God to work with us. my second point is this, now, with time gone by, everyday i thank God that my first three came so close together, i suffered at first, but now every day is made easier by how close those first three are. they play together, they do just about everything together, and suddenly my job isn’t so difficult. So you see? God had my best interest in mind all along, i just had to work with HIM a little. TRUST HIM. this is what i want to send out to people that are struggling with this issue. GIVE GOD THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBTS AND FEARS, HE HAS YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART, ultimately good will come out of your trust, even if it’s very difficult…i always think too myself, how do i know what God might have planned for the next child? He has done a good job planning my family so far…..(even if at times i wasn’t so sure).
I actually don’t find the question "Are you done yet?" offensive – I get a kick out of it! But the question I love the most, when my husband and i are on a date (and I’m pregnant) is "Is this your first?" I love to watch their jaw drop when I say no, it’s our 7th, or 8th, or 9th…..
We have nine kids, ages 15 months to 15 years. I am 42 and my husband is 48. Most would think we are "too old’ to have another, but I am hoping for one more soul to love and nurture. We home school, and like most of you, I have days where I cry, yell too much, and wonder what the heck we’ve gotten ourselves into. And days where I’m exhausted. But most days I’m just tired, like most moms, and when I lay my head down at night, ready to pass out, I’m so grateful for the nine he’s given us.
If you have a smaller family, please don’t ever think I’m judging you simply because I have a larger family! I just said to a friend the other day, who is struggling with being pregnant with her 7th at age 42 – I said – don’t think that Gary and I are so holy and so open to God’s will, etc. At least half of our babies have been "passion babies" – we were using NFP, but in the moment decided our reason wasn’t as important as we thought it was. I would say it has been much easier to postpone and space the babies as i’ve gotten older – our energy is more depleted and we do have more serious reasons for a longer space than when we were young. I did struggle in my 30′s with being open at times; at times I downright feared getting pregnant again because of the mental tenacity and total giving up of self it required to have another baby (and to be pregnant!). We too had many close together – our oldest was 7 when the sixth one was born. But I can truly say that I’ve crossed over to the other side, and never thought I’d say that I wanted another after age 40. Besides the grace of God, I see two reasons for this change. One is perspective – the older I get, the more I appreciate the gift of fertility and new life and see how very fast that baby grows. And I realize that it’s not so much about what we WANT, but about being open to God’s will. People ask my husband when I’m pregnant – Well, how many kids do you WANT? And he jokingly says, "Three". It would sure be a lot easier, but it obviously wasn’t God’s will for us! The second reason is – the older kids help a ton. I’ve always said that I couldn’t have had these last two babies without the help of the other kids. It’s so different than when they were ALL little – now they can cook, do laundry, mow the lawn, help with the baby (which they love), and pretty soon drive (yikes!).
I know I’m taking up too much space here, but I have to say that the question of being open to another becomes difficult to discern for some of us in the post-40 group. We have new concerns to deal with, like our aging bodies being worn down and tired, having children still in the home when we’re in our sixties, providing for all of those children financially after retirement age when they’re still minors,etc. And the biggie – will I have a special needs child? The rate of that increases the older we get. I was on a retreat in February – flew to Kansas City, MO and on the final day attended Sunday mass at the beautiful Shrine in downtown KC. I had been contemplating and praying about God’s will in the area of openness to life; our newest baby had just weaned and my cycles were returning. I saw an older couple , maybe in their mid-60′s, with an adult child in a wheelchair seated close to me. The thought occurred to me – O my goodness, that could be US if we are open to another child! WE could have a special needs child who will never leave home! And then I remembered a line the priest on our retreat had said – He was asking his superior if what he was about to hear was good news or bad news, and his superior replied, "The will of God is always good news". And so God touched my heart that day, reminding me that if He does send us a child with special needs, it is good news! It is what he has planned for me, my husband, and our other children to continue on our path to sanctity.
I will leave with this – what gets me through the often noisy, often chaotic days are things like daily exercise, a daily nap, almost daily chocolate, a back rub now and then from my husband, a weekly date night, monthly confession, prayer, horseback riding, a weekend away with my husband and once a year 4-6 day trip with just the two of us, laughing a lot, and Danielle’s web site – which is the ONLY one I visit because I have no time! I guess those things all help me to be open to God’s will for us, which hopefully WILL include one more soul.
Off to my nap,
Teresa
We have been married for 10 years. We used NFP to avoid a pregnancy for the first 4 years. We got pregnant with our first daughter after only 2-3 months of trying. When our first daughter was 14 months old, we got pregnant with our second daughter. When she was 14 months old, we got pregnant with our third daughter. Now that baby is almost 13 months old and we are praying for a longer break this time. I had some serious health issues with my third pregnancy and I would like to get those improved before getting pregnant again. I think I’m going to take the NFP class again to refresh my memory since it seems like FOREVER since I’ve really paid attention to the fertility signs. I’m worn out as a mother to 3 children under the age of 5 and struggle every day with having more even though I really want to have 6. I just keep praying for God’s will to be done. Easier said than done, though.
We had two children in our early twenties. The first is special needs. I was already pregnant with our second when my first was quite ill and being diagnosed. I was very angry at God and we did everything against the church’s teaching short of abortion to make sure we didn’t have more children. Several years ago we had a change of heart and realized the beauty of church teachings. Now in our early 40′s we would love more children but thus far have been unable.
I wish that NFP had been as widely available and respected all those years ago. We had a valid reason for spacing and NFP would have been easily reversable when things settled down.
As a mom of a child with special needs and medical issues the issue of having a handicapped child if I become pregnant in my 40′s is the least of my worries. Not that it isn’t a sometimes daily challenge but it’s one of those things that really gets you to your knees and humbles and strenghtens you if you’re open to the graces. I just want everyone to not fear it and think that special needs/ medical issues etc only happen when you’re older.
I am married to a non-Catholic and he has his reasons for being somewhat skeptical of NFP. Probably because although we married just three years ago when I was 23 it took us a year of "just trusting God" to get pregnant and then we lost that baby at seven weeks. Next Friday, if something doesn’t happen sooner, I will deliver my first by cesarean. I read the books,took classes did everything I felt was right with NFP but my signs were next to impossible to read. I have never been regular and that was complicated with the diagnosis of a septated uterus which the doctor told me not only complicated my chances of becoming pregnant, it put at serious risk the chances of carrying a baby to term. In fact, the doctor surmised that many of my "late" periods were, in fact, early miscarriages.
My husband and I struggled with the fact that although we felt called to be parents and that it was a part of God’s will, it wasn’t happening. I often prayed and asked God, why He would create such a desire for me to be a mother when I couldn’t seem to become one. This feeling intensified when we could not find an adoption agency that would give us a chance because my husband and I are seventeen years apart in age. It’s easy with having a baby only being a week away to think now that God’s timing isn’t always our timing, but it is very difficult to appreciate that when you are struggling to become pregnant and have been judged to your face for not yet having a child despite all of your best efforts. We knew that even if we felt morally sound about it, that we couldn’t afford fertility treatments but we felt pressured to consider them when people would look down their noses at us at church and make comments both behind our backs and directly to us with the assumption that we were using artificial birth control. With this kind of judgment, I understand my husband’s hesitancy to become Catholic. It is hard to do as Christ said and, "love one another as I have loved you," when you are struggling with a loss and those around you are not only not supportive but blaming you for your loss.
As Danielle said the hardest words to pray are "Thy will be done." It is even harder to accept those words when the human beings around you do not understand that God’s will in their lives might not be God’s will in yours. Our situation became so trying at one point that we were not allowed to volunteer with children in some groups because we were not parents. Talk about a slap in the face. It was especially hard to "turn the other cheek" with some of these very Christian/Catholic groups.
Last April, I had surgery to correct the septum in my uterus, after a month of recovery (read: abstinence) we began trying again. Just as the final arrangements for my surgery were being made, my husband’s brother and sister-in-law announced that after one month of trying (and my over 40 year old sister-in-law being on artificial birth control since she was 19) they were pregnant. While I was happy for them, I kept asking God what they were doing right and what was I doing wrong? There were five long months of trying to get pregnant after my surgery and our nephew was born during that time. Since my surgery, I had been on a regular 28 day cycle for the first time in my life. The fourth month, I was a week late on that cycle. Finally deciding to take a home pregnancy test, after a week, it came out with results that were unreadable (try one and a half lines). That day, I started a new cycle and my sister-in-law’s water broke. I cried feeling like this might be the sign that God’s plan might be that we never have a child of our own either through natural or adoptive ways. In the next few weeks, my husband suffered a colorectal cancer scare, I had tonsillitis, an adoption agency contacted us back that they would be more than willing to help us find a child to love and somehow we became pregnant.
One thing I have learned from this experience is not only how precious the gift of a child is, but how harsh and cruel human beings can be toward one another. When we tell someone that we are Catholic and only believe in NFP, we must be careful not to put a judgment of the other person’s character into that conversation. We have no idea what types of struggles that person might be going through. And we must be most careful at judging other Catholics. Remember that many men and women at mass who might only have one or two children or none at all despite being married "forever" might not have a concious decision in those factors. And God’s will for each family is not necessarily a tank-load of kids. My parents had zero fertility problems and were pregnant with me "an oops baby" two months into their marriage. They knew nothing of NFP. My husband and I who were older and more educated tried to time our honeymoon around my most fertile time to no avail.
I didn’t mean to make this so long, but just to conclude, my mother always told my brothers and I growing up that, "If there were really such a thing as ‘safe sex’ only Michael would be here." Kind of puts a new spin on all types of family planning.
I had my first 3 kids in less than 3 years. It was a crazy time, and I don’t remember much, just lots of diapers and not a lot of sleep! LOL
We would never have chosen that timeline, but I have no regrets now (after all, it makes a great "war story"!) and I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.
I have 5 kids now, the oldest is 8, and the youngest will be 2 in Sept. We switched NFP methods and now use the Creighton method. It works great for us and has pinpointed some hormone issues for us that have been really helpful in regulating things. And so now we have the same problem as Rachel….when will/should the next little one make her/his appearance?
Also, I have to have cesareans, (yes, I do….my NFP-only, pro-life Catholic doctor says so….) and I really panic at the thought of it, I hate hate hate surgery. And so, that is my main struggle here.
I love my kids, I’d love to have more…..but when?